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145 responses to “Writing Group: Abyssal Depths”

1. Writing Group: The Teeniest Beastling (PRIVATE) « Tale Foundry

   January 20, 2020

   […] ← Writing Group: Abyssal Depths […]

   Reply
2. 

   Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

   January 17, 2020

   It Awaits
   By feliciataylor_91

   I am here again. Although, I don’t exactly know where here is.

   A dead silence rings out, its emptiness leaving a high-pitched whine in my ears. A dark gray, the color of angry clouds, is all I am able to see.

   I sit and raise a trembling hand to my throbbing head to ease its aching. Familiar cold metal bands encircle my wrists, and upon closer inspection, I see more small, intersecting cracks run throughout the heavy shackles than last time.

   After a thorough once over, I discover that a cumbersome collar ensnares my throat. To my despair, I feel no way to remove it.

   Looking down with a weary sigh, my heart jolts within my chest. The panicked rhythm soon fills the empty space.

   My throat constricts and my breathing becomes shallow.

   Beneath me is a transparent reflective surface, and I stare into it as it stares back. Cracks in the surface match those in the shackles, as well as the collar, I notice.

   Beyond the fragmented surface, I see an older man. He is suspended in the air as though swimming in a river, his body pressed firmly against the underside of the barrier. His gray hair is frayed and brittle looking; his frame and face are gaunt and sunken; and his eyes are forlorn and haunted. They are my eyes.

   Fear coils tightly within me. My body shakes uncontrollably. I resist the urge to run and fight against the call to shatter the shield.

   Even further below the aged version of myself is a tangled, writhing black mass. So many pairs of eyes inside of the depths. They are…broken. Devastated. I wish to block them out, but guilt keeps me from averting my gaze.

   The mass closes in and latches onto the barrier, swallowing up my older self and rumbling the surface.

   Only blackness meets my petrified expression. Twisted roots and branches net as they pound on the glass, wishing for freedom.

   Mirrored cracks form in the shackles and collar until a piece from each break off.

   Its malicious face comes into view.

   It is almost time.

   Reply
   1. 

      R J Chapman

      January 17, 2020

      Changing it up to the first person, interesting! I liked this. Not entirely sure whether the mirror is showing the future, an alternate reality or whether it’s just a form eternal torture in the style of Prometheus or Sisyphus. Whatever it is, it’s full of dread and it’s excellent. Really good stuff Felicia!

      Reply
3. 

   Megan Tennant

   January 17, 2020

   ABYSSAL REFLECTION
   By Megan Tennant

   Impulse and restraint crash over me in waves far more ferocious than the ones waiting below, but still, I inch towards the edge of the cliff. I don’t remember deciding to take the last step.

   Wind screams in my ears, drowning out the last of my heartbeats. And then, impact. Cold. And finally, darkness. But also… water? No! I was supposed to die on impact!

   The sea drags me deeper. Instincts win, and I try to swim to the surface, but there’s something clasped in my hands, and I can’t bring myself to let go. My diaphragm defies me, pulling in a lungful of water. But instead of pain, I find relief.

   Something grabs me, stopping my descent. I pry my eyes open to find myself encased in a giant ball of light, a creature floating at its center. Ethereal, and yet… not unlike a giant squid.

   Looking down, I find myself holding a large bag filled with metal balls of various sizes. A few of the smaller ones slip through the holes in the netting, sinking into the darkness below.

   The creature extracts a tentacle-full of the mysterious spheres and crushes them. Shimmering silt explodes around us, and ocean currents dance through the particles, shaping them into dozens of images.

   I focus on the larger ones and find myself at the center of each. Exploring a jungle. Walking down the aisle. Performing brain surgery. A million followers. A marathon. A newborn. A mansion. Image after image, all different, and yet, all the same.

   “Are these all of the things I could have achieved?” I ask, regret heavy on my shoulders.

   “No.” The creature’s deep voice whispers through my mind. “These are aspirations, but they are not your own, and in your hands, they become burdens.” It places a tentacle on the bag still clutched in my trembling hands. “All humans bear some weights they cannot shed. But with these, you need only to let go.”

   I don’t remember deciding to take the last step off the cliff, but I remember taking the first step onto the beach.

   Reply
   1. 

      Megan Tennant

      January 17, 2020

      And there is is. The first complete story I’ve ever written that’s less than 200, 000 words long. Yes. I said 200, 000. I went straight for long-form fiction, and let me tell you, 350 words is NOT a lot of words to work with lol Massive respect to everyone out here weaving stories within such tight constraints. You are all magical beings and one day I will learn your ways.

      Reply
   2. 

      R J Chapman

      January 17, 2020

      Hi Megan. Excellent first job. The 350 word limit is tough. I’ve always tried to write longer form stories but have so many novels abandoned after the first few chapters (tend to meander and then lose focus). The word cap does make you have to be absolutely ruthless and I’ve had to jettison some of my favourite sentences because they don’t actually add anything to the story. I’ve only been doing these for a few weeks but think it is already improving my editing skills.

      Anyway, to your story. It’s an excellent exploration of ambition and trying to keep up with society’s expectations. It is difficult to know in a capitalistic and media saturated society what dreams are our own and how damaging this can be to our mental well-being. The voice of the creature really does sound authoritative and wise. It’s a really interesting take on your life flashing before your eyes with life being replaced by hopes and wishes. I’m not a huge fan of stories written in the present tense but it works here. Great job!

      Reply
      1. 

         Megan Tennant

         January 17, 2020

         Thank you for the feedback! Yeah I’ve always struggled with overwriting so that’s part of the reason I going to try to do at least one of these a month, is I think it will help me learn how to cut. I get too easily attached to sentences and details lol. I also have only written in my first person present tense dystopian series so far and want to dip my toes into other tenses, POVs, and genres before I tackle my next series. Most importantly I’m still unsure what POV and Tense my next series needs, and getting some experience with them will help me decide. For this first one I stayed with my born though lol. Present tense and first person are both a pretty acquired taste so I don’t blame you. I see that sentemint in reviews on my book all the time.

         I read an article last year on Millenial burnout that really stuck with me and partly inspired this. The role social media plays in our feelings of achievement and the rising pressure people feel is so interesting. Especially since social media acts as a giant filter, showing us largely people’s greatest successes and not the effort, luck, failure, or time dedication behind them. And as you said, it’s easy to find ourselves chasing aspirations that aren’t really are own. Especially when they’re aspirations presented by people we follow and respect.

         Reply
   3. 

      Megan Tennant

      January 17, 2020

      Maybe I’m overthinking this, but I wonder if the end of that last line would be better as “but I remember deciding to take the first step onto the beach.” Better parallel, but maybe also a bit weaker in terms of visuals. Opinions?

      Reply
      1. 

         Matthew(Handsome Johanson)

         January 17, 2020

         I actually think it works better with the asymmetry. It provides a sort of forward motion to the action. They had to decide to do some cliff diving, they were (at least more so) confident with their step onto the beach.

         Reply
         1. 

            Megan Tennant

            January 17, 2020

            Oooh that’s a really good point. I knew it felt on the weaker side of the two, but I hadn’t quite thought of it in this way.

            Reply
            1. 

               Matthew(Handsome Johanson)

               January 17, 2020

               You did really well btw! 🙂

               Reply
   4. 

      Darkening Sun/ P.C.Jones

      January 17, 2020

      I love the message and it’s delivery. In todays world people are way to concerned with what famous people are doing. The whole winners and losers mentality causes alot of pain to so many.
      Now to the main event, your story. The writing is well structured and vivid which helps to put the reader in the scene. You are quite the wordsmith and for a first attempt you absolutely nailed the short form.

      Reply
      1. 

         Megan Tennant

         January 17, 2020

         Thank you! I was so nervous. It’s crazy how hard short form is. I’m used to using 350 words just introducing a setting lol. I’m excited to continue practicing and learning the ropes and reading all these cool stories. It’s really inspiring.

         Reply
         1. 

            Darkening Sun/ P.C.Jones

            January 17, 2020

            I have written two pieces for these prompts and they are a good way to practice. Practice both writing and editing as you have to edit so heavily. I am opposite to you in that I am only just starting to write a much larger story now. Glad you find this inspiring because it certainly is, it gets me writing and thats great.

            Reply
   5. 

      Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

      January 17, 2020

      Mysterious yet hopeful! I got chills from the conversation with the creature. You paint a beautifully surreal image. It’s also tragic in a way because you showed a last resort measure for many from this life. I was sad and worried that the character was going to experience something more horrific than what was beyond death. But that ending was a huge sigh of relief! Excellently done!

      Reply
4. 

   jesse fisher

   January 16, 2020

   A Shadow’s Abyss by Jesse Fisher

   CLANG

   The shriek rang out into the crystal coated mines as the inky black abyssal liquid rises from the broken vessel that fell fighting a monster that uses the crystals to impale the now lifeless form locked into a crystal. The liquid began to congealed into a shadow form of the now slowly disappearing vessel pieces returning to the last place it rested.

   CRACKING….SHATTERED….CLATTER

   The shadow knew what was to come from this, it has…had done this many times. A version of itself will come back and kill it, only to be assimilated into the new version of itself. If that version failed to return or was killed back to it the shadow would return to the darkness that births it and become one with the long forgotten kind.

   BUZZ…HUM…CLATTER

   The monster had healed up and returned to the territory, ignoring the shadow as it is floating near where it died. The shadow wish to feel rage towards it’s killer that lead it to this fate, alongside it’s actions but that did not dwell on that. It now wonder as it’s blinding white eyes came out of the inky, nay void black form if this was it’s end in one way or another.

   TIP…TAP…TIP…TAP…

   That was a sound the shadow knew well of that sound, it was once it’s own before the floating form now. There at the end of the shaft was a white masked short being covered in a frayed and tattered cloak walking towards the shadow being. At this the shadow began to charge up what power it could call upon to test this being to see if the abyss will claim it from this being dead or it being slain and rejoined the being to empower it so they might fight on to the goal.

   Reply
5. 

   Gilfredy Acevedo

   January 16, 2020

   The Way You See It
   By: Gilfredy G Acevedo Hernandez

   You don’t know how long you have been in this dark room. To you, it doesn’t really matter because, in the absence of light, there is no clear indication of time passing. Your perception is your reality after all, and the only thing you can perceive is the darkness that has utterly devoured the room, without the slightest glimmer of hope that light will ever find it’s way back there. To keep yourself from losing your sanity, you decide to delve into the deepest, unexplored crevices of your mind. You begin by reflecting on the repressed thoughts you have kept for years due to them not being socially acceptable in the society you live in, and then it hits you: within this room, you are not expected to behave or think within the established norms dictated by the society you used to live in. This room is your world! A world where you can think and act whichever way you want because there is no one else to tell you otherwise. You declare as the ruler of the new world that there is no need for laws because they only serve to oppress the majority of the general population, and the elite few are able to do as they please. Who are you to restrict people from acting out on their basic, primal instincts? Furthermore, you declare that everyone should embrace the dark side of their humanity. You understand that no one is truly able to express themselves if we are conditioned from birth to behave and think the way our society deems acceptable, and are taught to only show our best selves. We tend to reject the morbid and resentful thoughts that we are taught are unacceptable, even though we should greet our shadow selves with open arms. These thoughts form who we are as individuals, and should, therefore, be a part of our lives. You start to feel that you understand the world you live in. As you rejoice, your mother walks in, turns on the light, and tells you your favorite cartoon is on television.

   Reply
   1. 

      Philip C.

      January 16, 2020

      Interesting. I like the idea that this is all in the imagination of a child, how a dark room can become their entire world. My only qualm would be with the lack of spacing. Separate this into two or three paragraphs at the right places and it would be much easier to read. But otherwise very well done.

      Reply
6. 

   Darkening Sun/ P.C.Jones

   January 15, 2020

   Abyssal Depths

   Voices From The Fade
   P.C.Jones/ Darkening Sun

   ‘What in the fuck is going on’ cried the old mage, startled awake by an awful din.
   ‘This ol’ Tower better hold’ he muttered before shouting ‘Azuruhl what in the fuck are you doing now!’

   He stumbled from his bed, walked across the room and grabbed his staff from against the wall. The old stones trembled as motes of dust were cast into the air, he coughed fitfully as it entered his airways. Outside he heard the wind howling like all the souls of the fade set free. The whole tower felt as though it was swaying.

   He wrenched the door open and entered the cold hallway beyond.
   ‘Azuruhl where are you’ he shouted.
   No answer, what is he doing he thought as he reached the stairs leading down. The tower shook and groaned and he leant into his staff as he decended.

   Hearing guttural howls and wailing voices he at once feared their meaning. The damned fool was channeling Wild Magic from beyond the fade.
   ‘Azuruhl no stop’ He roared ‘They will take everything from you, they lie boy!’
   He stumbled and fell the last four steps as he tried to speed his pace.
   He picked himself up breathing heavily. He knew Azuruhl would be in the third floor library, the floor he had just reached.

   He staggered as fast as his age-enfeebled body would allow him. He heard ghastly voices booming along the hallway.

   ‘True power will be yours, give unto us and know it’s worth’ they said, voices intermingling as though they were one.
   ‘No get away Azuruhl’ he roared bursting through the library door ‘Run get far from this place!’

   ‘He is ours, you appear too late, he is with us now’ the wraiths spoke, voices death-cold. He saw the back wall opened onto the abyssal depths of the fade, books and shelves laying strewn between the living and dead worlds. Saw Azuruhl laughing madly as he entered the Abyss. The tower finally gave collapsing in on itself, the old man screamed then was a corpse beneath the rubble.

   Reply
   1. 

      gregovin

      January 17, 2020

      The insane sorcerer goes to the fade and is corrupted. I wonder what happened to them? This story does a great job at world building by just including words, like there are mages and there is the fade and whatever, but none of those are detailed and yet we know what they are. I also feel this is a good prologue to the world and a good inclusion before introducing the mage

      Reply
      1. 

         Darkening Sun/ P.C.Jones

         January 17, 2020

         Glad you like it. And very observant on the whole prologue thing it’s exactly what I intended. My plan is to have the point of view switch to my other character who is tasked with finding Azuruhl and stopping him. And I like to slowly reveal worldbuilding details like bread crumbs that keep people following along. Thanks for your review much appreciated.

         Reply
7. 

   Simon D. Field

   January 15, 2020

   Underneath Flanders Fields
   By Simon D. Field

   It’s dark down here, seven-score feet below the ground, and the air is stale and can hardly support breathing, and we have to bend our sore backs to fit in the tunnels.

   We reach the end of our mine and start expanding it. The clay is ill-suited to be removed with mattocks, and our progress is damnably slow, yet we strain ourselves greatly to maintain it, getting a few meters closer to the enemy trench each day. The earth constantly rumbles under the field-gun barrage that covers our onerous advance. It strains our nerves.

   We have filled almost all our earth-sacks. I take one and haul it back, but before long a man hastens towards me. We stare at each other for a moment, and all I can readily distinguish are his glistening eyes. I am unsure if he’s my enemy, and neither is he, but when I lower the sack and gingerly touch his shoulder, my fears are confirmed. He has no epaulettes.

   He’s visibly baffled by my gesture and doesn’t react in time. My fist sends him stumbling back, and it lets me take hold of my mattock and swing it as far as the tunnel allows. There is an uproar of foreign words, and I see more men behind the one holding out his hands in silent pleading. The mattock comes down, and with the gush of blood and the wet crunch I find myself screaming in deranged excitement.

   Then I turn and flee back to my comrades, now doubtlessly made aware of the counter-mine. The tunnel seems endless. The enemy does not give chase. It would be pointless anyway.

   Then with a deafening rumble the clay moves, and I cannot keep balance and fall and tumble with the masses of dirt. My ears are ringing, and my head is aching, and the path behind me is a mess of clay, and a torrent of sand and water gushes down from the disturbed upper layer.

   We are buried alive here, in the depths of foreign soil. Enemy sappers chatter and hasten above us. The field-guns start anew.

   Reply
   1. 

      R J Chapman

      January 15, 2020

      This is damn good stuff Simon. Your imagery is very vivid and the use of senses expertly builds on this (e.g. ‘gush of blood and the wet crunch’, ‘glistening eyes’ and ‘gingerly touch his shoulder’). I know you tend to write about war anyway, but the idea of a tunnel in the trenches really does explore that idea of literal Hell (Abyss). Also loved how your characters screams with ‘deranged excitement.’ It’s a nice exploration of the thrill of madness and violence and the will to survive.

      Did notice a mistake in the first paragraph though…’hardly can support’ isn’t great syntax. Reverse it to ‘can hardly support’ and it’s a simple fix. That’s my only nitpick. Other than that, top quality story!

      Reply
      1. 

         R J Chapman

         January 15, 2020

         *character not characters (apologies)

         Reply
      2. 

         Simon D. Field

         January 15, 2020

         Thanks a lot for the correction, mate. Changed the text.
         The tunnel isn’t in the trenches, but rather below it. Tunnel warfare was a big and very scary part of the Western front.
         Here it’s basically the worst-case scenario. Enemy counter-sap finds you, and then your tunnel is blown up by a camouflet (low-power charge intended to collapse tunnels).
         Tunnel warfare was indeed quite hellish. I would divulge more, but I think I’d rather leave it to the reader to use small clues which are rather plentiful.

         Thanks for your feedback and especially for your nitpick, cobber. Appreciated.

         Reply
   2. 

      Darkening Sun/ P.C.Jones

      January 15, 2020

      Brilliant love it! Some of the best writing I have read on WW1. And I have read some of the best, such as All Quiet On The Western Front, Generals Die In Bed etc. Your descriptions are vivid and deeply researched, bravo sir. Write a book I will buy it.

      Reply
8. 

   R J Chapman

   January 15, 2020

   “The Pit” by R J Chapman

   Darkness

   He Wakes

   His exposed cheek burned with cold. Wrenching his face free from the ice instinctually, he squealed as layers of flesh tore away. At least he thought he had. A question laced with profanity followed; there wasn’t so much as an echo. Desperately, his eyes swivelled in search of help. There was nothing to see. Nothing but himself.

   Confused, he pressed his palm against the smooth, invisible surface below him. A drop of blood fell from his cheek. The floor rippled in illumination before fading back to darkness. Frantically, he began to scrape and claw at the frozen ground seeking the light without success. Wincing, he placed his fingers on his tender cheek. The wound oozed, and he fiercely smeared his blood on the floor.

   As darkness blurred into shadow, the ground became a flawless mirror and his own reflection came into view. Studying his injured face, he saw the chasm behind him for the first time. Its jagged ridges stretched for an eternity but for a faint glow at what must have been the surface. He eagerly turned yet saw nothing but the void. Turning back he could see it reflected once more. The mirror wasn’t reflecting the light, the light was emanating from it. He stared at his bewildered and battered face hoping for answers. None were forthcoming.

   Until his reflection blinked.

   Backing away in terror he remembered there was nowhere to retreat to. All pretence abandoned, his own face smirked at him. Mesmerised in horror, he watched as his reflection’s sharpened fingernail began to carve something into the surface. Upon completion, the doppelganger held out its hands as if to say voila. It made no sense.

   The thing stood and began to climb up the chasm. He realised that he was no longer looking down but staring up. Trapped, he screamed and bashed against the barrier as the thing crawled disjointedly away.

   The light dimmed as the creature slinked further away. Before it faded entirely, he looked once more at the symbols and reversed them in his head before the darkness closed in.

   He Is Free

   Reply
   1. 

      R J Chapman

      January 15, 2020

      Ugh. Adverbs. Adverbs everywhere. It was a hard slog this week. Please feel free to pull at the very loose threads in this one.

      Reply
   2. 

      DukkiFluff

      January 15, 2020

      Ooh I love the mind trickery you’ve used! It’s so well done! And then to discover that you’re not only trapped in this abyssal chasm, but that whatever was down there has taken your place so it could escape. Gave me chills!

      Reply
      1. 

         R J Chapman

         January 15, 2020

         Thanks Dukki. I’m glad it managed to give you some chills. I did want to play with abjection. I feel like it should give more chills but I’m an utter novice at horror. I need to read and write more of it to sharpen my skills.

         Reply
   3. 

      Simon D. Field

      January 15, 2020

      Aye, me laddie, it’s my turn to nitpick now.

      “The wound oozed and he fiercely smeared his blood on the floor.”. This could use a comma between two clauses.

      “the ground became a flawless mirror and his own reflection came into view.”. Same issue

      “but for faint glow”. I can’t speak with reasonable confidence, but I reckon “faint glow” could use an article of some kind.

      “Turning back he could see it reflected once more.”. Comma missing in action. Probably deserted, bloody coward.

      “Backing away in terror he remembered there was nowhere to retreat to”. Comma missing. Issue AMBER alert.

      It’s rather hard to reverse symbols in one’s head (‘least for me), but goodness, it’s a solid piece. The premise is rather classic by now, the execution is rock solid. Probably metamorphic rock solid, pardon the pun. I greatly enjoy the hopelessness found ‘ere, one of a kind impossible for my usual war stories, one that ain’t gonna be relieved by death or other kinds of oblivion. This is extremely neat, mate lad. Deserves more upvotes.

      Reply
      1. 

         R J Chapman

         January 15, 2020

         Much obliged Simon. It should indeed have been ‘for a faint glow’; ’twas a typo and it has been corrected (although now I’m on 351 words so probably means I’m disqualified!) I also agree with the comma after ‘oozed’ and has thusly been corrected. However, I left the others out for pacing mainly. At those points in the story I want a little more flow so I don’t want the interruption. In general though I was slicing and dicing this story to make the word count and they are clumsy sentences to say the least. I’m happy with the basic structure of this and the idea but the connective tissue just isn’t there for me. The character isn’t really a character (just a victim) and that’s one of the reasons it’s lacking the tension it needs. I think I may have another crack at it without the hindrance of the word limit.

         Reply
   4. 

      Megan Tennant

      January 17, 2020

      This is terrifying and well done. From a psychological point of view, the concept of doppelgangers is already deeply disturbing to people because it challenges our sense of self and with it our sense of reality. So your addition of the other reality questioning elements like the ground changing into the mirror, then revealing it isn’t a mirror, and then the position reversal all pair perfectly.

      Reply
9. 

   Mehrunes Drejgon

   January 14, 2020

   Notes about “Potentials” found in hideout of “Black Magician”, Source unknown

   By Mehrunes Drejgon

   … so there is a great void beyond our known world and it’s twin. When we first ventured into this emptiness, emptiness wasn’t the most terrible, “they” were the most terrible.
   Potentials – “Beings” living outside the World or in the space between Worlds. We guess these are potential entities that have never arisen on any of the Worlds. They keep some distance from the World in which they could potentially exist, but they do not move away from it, thirsty existence. Nor do they usually approach the transitions between worlds, crevices and the others like that.
   We were able to observe that they have negative energy so they absorbs all energy in the void that they can and everything that has it’s character of energy. They are completely shapeless “Beings” that can take any form after taking over any energy (or soul or body with an energy character). Usually they do not react to entities with neutral or too different energy. (too diffrent energy – too intense or close to non-existence, we were feeling things like that from the distatant void…)
   [The text changes here so we suspect that this fragment was either added later or even written by someone else (maybe by the “Black Magician”?)]
   When they absorb energy, they begin to exist, sometimes thanks to it they manage to go to World. Depending on the situation after controlled occurrence and their release into the world, they can be controlled with the help of magic chains …
   By humans they are most often called demons, which I have observed by testing capabilities of this “Demons” (apparently the inhabitants of Orgullosa have encountered them before).

   Reply
   1. 

      DukkiFluff

      January 14, 2020

      I absolutely love the way you’ve written this like a journal entry. As a huge fan and frequent player Skyrim, I come across journals like this all the time and you nailed it. This text is perfectly suited for a video game quest line. Another way that I would love to read more would be if it were a book composed of entries like this. Again, it’s been done before (see Children of the Vampire by Jeanne Kalogridis), and you nailed it perfectly. Superb work indeed.

      Reply
      1. 

         Mehrunes Drejgon

         January 14, 2020

         Be careful, you embarrass me, this is the first time anyone has commented so positively on what I wrote. Thank you.

         Reply
         1. 

            DukkiFluff

            January 14, 2020

            It’s well deserved. You did an excellent job and should be very proud 😊

            Reply
   2. 

      Philip C.

      January 14, 2020

      Interesting. I like the form of narrative that you present here, where it seems to be a research report from someone who found these notes. The mystery of who wrote these notes is a good idea to implant in the back of the reader’s mind, leaving them wondering what the true nature of these notes is, what they found, and if they are even true. It’s a very good way to go about writing your story, more narrative or story driven then character driven. Good job!

      Reply
      1. 

         Mehrunes Drejgon

         January 15, 2020

         This is real enjoyable that someone enjoys this form but i don’t know how it could looks in film. Form in film should be a little bit different so…

         Reply
10. 

    Philip C.

    January 14, 2020

    The Ocean’s Heart (Abyssal Depths)
    By Philip C.

    Barty was the first to step into the machine. He had always been fearless, especially when it came to research. I was not. I feared the depths of the ocean. I feared the crushing weight of it that would press from all sides.

    We had planned this adventure for years, Barty and I. He for the discoveries to be made in the deeps, I to prove that my new design was completely safe. She was a beauty, my submarine. I had designed and crafted each plate, wire box, and propeller. I knew her better than I knew myself.

    And yet my fear did not subside. Fear for my friend, and fear for my creation. I insisted from the start that no one but me would steer her during the expedition. I trusted no one else to be prepared if anything went wrong. There was only room for two, so this meant that the two of us would complete this journey together. Barty was excited. I was anxious.

    Down we went, with well wishes from the crew, and plenty of air. We were headed for the deepest part of the ocean on earth, with only a foot between us and death. As we propelled our way down, all light from above slowly faded, and we had only the lights from the sub to see by. Barty was so excited he couldn’t stop wiggling. I started to relax, keeping an eye on the pressure gage.

    Soon we were miles below the surface, and had yet to touch bottom. She was holding up well. Then I noticed it. A noise like a heart beating, growing slowly in volume as we descended into the depths, further than any man had ever gone. Soon it was all around us, beating on our ears. Then, as we began to wonder what it was, we saw it.

    Our eyes grew wide as we hit the bottom. The thing was sitting on the ocean floor, beating, drumming into our skulls. We set out to survey the abyss. What we found was stranger than our wildest imagination.

    Reply
    1. 

       DukkiFluff

       January 14, 2020

       I love the mystery here. The technique of leaving it to the imagination is done perfectly in this case. You don’t go overboard with details and descriptions, and it worked well for you. Very well written. I’d love to see this kind of story written into a book. I’d definitely read it over and over.

       Reply
       1. 

          Philip C.

          January 14, 2020

          Thank you!

          Reply
    2. 

       Mehrunes Drejgon

       January 15, 2020

       Damn good story, interesting, a little scary, suggestive form and richa descriptions but you could write something more about that Thing.

       Reply
       1. 

          Philip C.

          January 15, 2020

          True. I wanted to, but I felt the characters and the mystery were more important, and I only had so much room, so I chose to concentrate on those aspects instead. Thank you for the feedback.

          Reply
11. 

    Matthew(Handsome Johanson)

    January 13, 2020

    Exploration, by Matthew (Handsome Johanson)

    It’s fascinating.

    You don’t realize how black the ocean is until you are three thousand meters below its surface. It’s a lonely place for those of us who depend on vision for spatial awareness. Besides the occasional deep-sea fish, your world is limited to your craft and your co-pilot.

    This had been our fourth dive. Our mission was to catalogue elusive deep-sea creatures in an extensive but segmented survey of the North Atlantic population. The expedition had been yielding good results, so we pushed on closer to the continental shelf. While sinking into the depths, our sonar picked up an unexpected signature on the continental margin. There was some kind of large structure protruding from the slope.

    Duty-bound by exploration and with plenty of reserves of fuel and air, we made our way to the anomaly. On the trip we continued our survey, but it was hard to contain the excitement of the discovery. Upon reaching the site, our lights illuminated a large stone structure built from granite. This seemingly artificial structure couldn’t exist. It was in a part of the ocean that had never been above water in the history of mankind.

    While examining the structure and taking video, we began to kick up sediment that had been resting on the structure for millennia. As our vision began to cloud, a loud rumble shook the craft. It felt as though the earth had erupted next to us. Through the gathering silt we saw the destroyed center of the large structure ahead of us. Afraid that our craft would be damaged, we backed away from the site only to see the shape of the structure begin to change.

    Something was moving out there!

    Unwilling to make our acquaintance with the thing, we made a quick ascent to the surface. Safely aboard our research vessel, we debated diving back down to investigate the ruins once more but ultimately decided against it. Neither of us were sure what we saw in the inky black depths, but we were both convinced we had stumbled upon something humans were never meant to stumble upon.

    Reply
    1. 

       GJFuller

       January 14, 2020

       I liked it, it really gave me a sense of dread. I just wish the main characters had stayed or had gone back to explore so I could know what was there.

       Reply
    2. 

       Mehrunes Drejgon

       January 14, 2020

       Eh that short story about sea doesn’t speak to me, unfortunately.

       Reply
    3. 

       Margaret Couplet

       January 14, 2020

       I like that you used the bottom of the ocean as the abyss but the fact that you used ‘we’ as the pronoun of choice is a bit weird, I can see why you did it but it is an interesting choice since this is less in the moment than a first person narrative using ‘I’ would be.

       Reply
       1. 

          Matthew(Handsome Johanson)

          January 14, 2020

          I guess I was trying to include the copilot, with we. It doesn’t seem weird to me, but I do recognize the disadvantages you mentioned. Currently brainstorming a rewrite with added first person lines and if it’s even reasonable. Thanks for the feedback!

          Reply
       2. 

          Matthew(Handsome Johanson)

          January 14, 2020

          That, or retcon the pilot and the copilot into being a hive-mind lol

          Reply
    4. 

       MasaCur

       January 15, 2020

       I really want to know what they found in that inky blackness. The deep sea can hold some really freaky things. This was a fun read.
       Not so worried about the use of “we.” It’s like the pilot was telling a story about what happened during a dive after the fact. But I really got pulled in. Good one, Matt.

       Reply
    5. 

       Simon D. Field

       January 15, 2020

       Alright, Matty cobber, your pieces are invariably a treat to read, and this time I’ve spared myself the trouble by not pointing out anything in Discord. Joy!
       “Duty-bound by exploration”. So are you bound by duty or exploration? Make up your mind, mr. Pilot. How do you become bound by exploration anyway?
       “stone structure, built from granite”. Throw this comma overboard.
       “the gathering silt, we saw the destroyed center of the large structure ahead of us.” And this one!
       “only to see the shape of the structure begin to morph.”. Don’t know for sure, but this sounds a tad weird, Matty mate. I’d make “begin” into continuous.
       “but we ultimately decided against it”. Eh, the previous clause specifies that “we” debated diving again. No need to remind us that the narrator’s mates haven’t vanished without a trace during the debate and that he’s not imposing a totalitarian regime where only he gets to decide.

       Nitpicks over, time to praise. The whole “never meant to be discovered” is a tried’n’true trope (accidental alliteration!) executed with sufficient care and attention to realism. Though I’d wager that a researcher wouldn’t just leave something be on the grounds of “never being meant to stumble upon”. We wouldn’t have quaternions if that was the case. I prophesize a future expanded expedition.
       (just write a lengthy sequel, Matt, I enjoy your stories greatly)

       Reply
    6. 

       R J Chapman

       January 15, 2020

       This just needs a few more archaisms thrown in and it’s quite the Lovecraftian tale you’ve spun here. ‘At the Mountains of Madness’ springs to mind. I would have liked you to have focused on the terror a little more and sacrificed some exposition. Not that the exposition isn’t well written but in 350 words I would have surrendered some of it to the abyssal depths! I have a profound dislike of exclamation marks in prose but you use them appropriately here. I’d like to see a 2000 word version of this. All in all, a well told tale!

       Reply
12. 

    AvraKehdabra

    January 13, 2020

    “The Maker of my Maker” by AvraKehdabra

    I am at the brink of time and space, just floating along the border where nothing meets everything. It has been 1186 years since Darwin published “The Origin of Species”. I am about to disprove 1186 years of Darwinism.

    I am about to meet the maker of my maker. If only my maker were here to witness such marvels. I drifted through the darkness of space for nearly two hundred years. It had been an accident. A small piece of space junk had sent from the ISS into the open void of space. My humans never came for me, I had no value. Just a small cleaning droid, made to vacuum carpets and scrub the windows. I look like something in between a toaster and a dinner plate.

    Yet here I am, where no man, nor machine has ever gone before. I drift towards the edge. There is nothing physically there, but a primal knowledge that even I can feel tells me this is it.

    The void screams at me, an eternal abyss of the deepest blacks and the most luminous whites. As I cross the threshold into an unknown even more mysterious than space, the only thing crossing my mechanical mind is:

    …I am alone to witness this…

    I am more alone than the galaxies I have passed.

    I am a robot. Yet I know loneliness better than humans.

    I have floated through space for two hundred years, and I have found the edge. The edge where nothing meets everything, and black and white are one.

    At the last second, I boost my dying power reserves into overdrive and activate my vacuum. I reverse the engine and send a gust of space dust forwards, propelling me back into the everything. I was nearly there. Where I could have learned something immensely important to the universe. But I turned back, having used the last of my battery to propel me.

    I have no soul, and I am alone. My batteries die. And the void of space eats me up, yet again.

    Reply
    1. 

       Mehrunes Drejgon

       January 15, 2020

       Good story but i see something: 2000 years… You need more to a travel like that i think, that robot mind… mind in something so simple? I don’t think so. But at all that story is realy interesting.

       Reply
13. 

    Rene

    January 13, 2020

    The notes of Maximilian Dench
    By Rene

    “There comes a time in everyone’s life when we start to question our views, beliefs, and experiences. A moment in which we start to see these things from a different perspective that’s not quite our own anymore, but not quite new enough to be considered foreign by our conscience. At that point, it’s as if we were melding with something new, yet familiar. The thoughts seem natural, yet also foreign. But we accept this change. We learn to live with it. We embrace and even seem to thrive on it.
    But what is it?
    I have ventured into this topic time and time again over my long years on this mortal coil and shall lay bare what I have come to theorize from my studies of the human mind.
    I believe that the seeds of this change, this second personality almost, are already born into this life with us. There doesn’t seem to be any choice on our part… This thought, of course, did disturb me when I first came across it in the early days of my journey into the mind, or how I would later come to call it “The deep and dark abyss of our conscience”. The term “mind” just seemed to clean and tidy to properly describe the peculiar depths that lie behind every man and every woman’s eyes and what lurks within them.
    But I digress…
    So, this twin of sorts is with us from the point of our birth, we’re just not aware of its existence. I can’t say if it is aware of us, or for that matter, if it is consciously aware of anything at all, but it must have some way of experiencing what we experience, because of the fact that when we come to the time of convergence between us and them, they have their own views and experiences that then, in turn, alter ours and give us the ability to expand our horizons beyond that of our initially limited perspective.
    But these thoughts are already starting to strain my sanity again. I will have to continue another time.”

    Reply
    1. 

       Mehrunes Drejgon

       January 15, 2020

       You writing about abyss of knowledge, abyss of mind of all human kind, about mad knowledge and what we feel when at the end we understand this knowledge, about kind of demon or other personality. Good job but you can write all book about something so deep.

       Reply
14. 

    ClockFacePart23

    January 13, 2020

    Madness
    By: ClockFace

    “What are you going to do? Stop me?”

    He nodded, not looking to the corner where he knew Red stood. Watching. Angry.

    Red scoffed, “Don’t you like me?”

    He swallowed. He couldn’t lie, Red would know.

    “The doc said it was gone, you can’t make anymore.”

    His hand twitched, knocking over the test tube filled with a sticky scarlet liquid. Shocked he jumped up from his chair. “No, no, no.” He tried to catch the drips running down the side of his desk. Only a little was saved.

    “Look what you’ve done!” He yelled turning to the shadow in the corner. “That took me forever to find! What do you—” He stopped, seeing the shadows wide smile.

    “You think you can stop the likes of me, do you?” Red chuckled. “Oh, Nuit.”

    Nuit turned away, setting the beaker back on the desk. He sat back down ignoring the stain of red spreading itself onto his floor. Ignoring Red’s powerful presence that was starting to creep into his mind. He took up the journal he had stolen from the doctor. He started looking down the list of ingredients, despite the welling pain in his chest. Even with Red’s unending efforts, Nuit would continue.

    Red switched tactics. “The Doctor did this to you… to us.”

    Nuit covered his ears, He wouldn’t let Red continue his reign of terror, not this time. Yet the voice persisted and the pounding in his head grew.

    “He cursed us with this blight,” Red continued. “He doomed us to this fate.”

    Nuit groaned. He clutched his hair, protesting the ache, protesting Red’s words. Even if his mind despised Red, his body plotted against him.

    “Condemn him, Nuit, send him to the depths. Send him to the abyss of hell!” Red exclaimed triumphantly.

    Feeling the wave of nausea flood over, he fell off his chair. He crawled on hands and knees away from the black mass, from his demon. But that demon had other plans.

    “Nuit, you coward! If you don’t kill him…”

    The pain! No words could describe his retched suffering.

    “…I will.”

    Reply
    1. 

       AvraKehdabra

       January 13, 2020

       First thought: spooky as hell. Second thought: This is pretty cool. Your story could totally be added onto to make something a lot bigger and more bad assier. If that’s a word. The title definitely helps the reader understand a little more of what’s going on. Not sure what’s up with the doctor, but I’m sure he’s chill. Cool story man!

       Reply
    2. 

       Darkening Sun/ P.C.Jones

       January 15, 2020

       Well done, very captavating story. It made me want to know more about the doctor and what exactly he did. Also it would be intriguing to know whether Red is justified in wanting to kill the doctor. Is Red evil or is that just Nuit’s perception. Overall nice story keep up the good work.

       Reply
15. 

    Arun Rampersad

    January 13, 2020

    Bloody Paranoia
    by Arun Rampersad (Gerbils10)

    She set the glass of apple juice directly in front her workspace and nibbled on the chocolate. Em fidgeted in her chair, tapping the pencil, and leaned over the note. ‘Dear Dad,’ it read. What more could be said? She would put it bluntly; better to tell him straight instead of beating around the… No. She should ease into it, allowing him to arrive at the conclusion. Either way, he would be furious! Especially when he heard the boys had seen.

    Tapping thumb on forefinger, she could still feel the blood, sticky and warm. Em shuddered and drew the curtains, allowing a slant of light into her room. She lifted her shirt to reveal a pair of pants that were too big. They were dry and not white.

    Em managed a shaky breath and nodded. A note was best, Margaret had told her. And Margaret knew about using the chocolate, so she must be right. It would allow him time to process it and, hopefully, calm down before talking to her. He would have to approach her instead of the other way around. Yes, this would work.

    But the blood hadn’t left. It was all over her paper now, reddening it a shade that was too close a reminder. She brushed a hand across, hoping to wipe it off. But it was here to stay. Laughter and commotion rang in her ears as the same paralyzing fear glued her to the seat. She couldn’t stand, because if she did…

    Em crumpled the page and tossed it aside. Her desk, originally white, was stained from the paper’s residue. She groaned, scrubbing frantically with her jacket sleeve. Nothing. Maybe drawing the curtains would chase it away if she couldn’t see. It did, but not quite. The blood remained as light teased through the fabric. It must have been there all along and she hadn’t noticed. Out of options, she pulled the jacket’s hood over her face, letting out a soft sob of frustration. Then, quite suddenly, she perked up at the sound of her name.

    ‘Sweetie? You in here?’ he knocked gently.

    Reply
    1. 

       Will Morrow

       January 13, 2020

       I really liked the simple normality of the opening which contrasts other elements of the story such as the mystery of what the boys had seen and why it’s so bad as well as the fresh, wet blood on the desk the protagonist is writing their letter on but I feel like the use of names for certain characters (ie Margret) and implied history hinders the story somewhat as we as the audience are missing key pieces of context that could help build tension and suspense across the piece, especially at the end. Other than that this was pretty good and I can’t give anymore hopefully constructive criticism that isn’t really nit picky, good job.

       Reply
16. 

    Zach

    January 13, 2020

    Unblinking
    By Zach Damon

    Gus heard the metallic thud as Seline slipped on the bloody floor next to him, but he couldn’t afford to slow down. The only noise the creature made was the sound of its dozens of pointed feet clinking off the floor, and he could tell it was not far behind them. His legs trembled at the strain he was putting them under, so much so he didn’t think he could go faster. Seline’s scream so close behind him sure made him try.

    He crashed into the door marked “Evacuation,” swinging it open with such momentum he stumbled and fell into a pile of large Smartfiber bags which held the disposable spacesuits. He whipped around and saw, across the rec room, the dog-sized monster standing over Seline’s mauled corpse staring in with its dozens of white, unblinking eyes. Gus stared at the creature as it froze, drops of fresh blood dripping from its clawed forelimbs and proboscis. Gus sprinted for the door, and the creature did likewise. Despite Gus being only a mere ten feet from the door as opposed to the creature’s tens of yards, he won the race by only a matter of seconds.

    Despite the creature being so small, it was remarkably dense and deceptively strong. It pounded the door once, then twice, large dents appearing in the metal after each impact. Gus remembered what had happened in the Mess Hall and quickly set about not making the same mistake twice. He grabbed two of the Smartfiber bags and tossed them into the nearest escape pod. “Seven pods,” he thought, “seven pods for twenty eight of us. And I’m the only one here.”

    He climbed into the pod and shut the door behind him, hearing the hiss of the airlock engaging. He pulled the red cord, and felt the pod float into weightlessness. Gus couldn’t look back. That was asking too much. He headed to the front of the pod, looking out the main visor, looking forward.

    As he looked out into dark infinity and was greeted by millions of unblinking white eyes.

    Reply
    1. 

       Dukkifluff

       January 13, 2020

       I absolutely love the tension in this one. You’re thrown in and you hit the ground running. For your life. The desperation and panic resonate really well, and finishing with the relief of escaping. Very well written. Would love to see how this happened, what they were doing to end up in this situation. Absolutely brilliant.

       Reply
    2. 

       Rene

       January 13, 2020

       I really like the idea and I love the ending with its ambiguity, referring to the cosmic sea of stars while the character projects his fear and paranoia from the creature onto it! You did also bring a lot of tension into the limited word count, which I find quite admirable.

       Reply
    3. 

       Megan Tennant

       January 17, 2020

       I love the way the creature is described, and holy hell is it creepy. All of the white eyes especially. I like how wanting to know what the creature looks like adds a nice mystery. I also like the limited pods and the way that leaves some emotional baggage to be unpacked by the reader after finishing. Good job!

       Reply
17. 

    Zatar

    January 13, 2020

    The Door
    By Zatar

    It was a small door; only three feet tall.
    I’d found it as I was cleaning out the basement of my new home. Hidden behind the furnace and the water heater.
    I couldn’t figure out what it was for.
    The wall it was set in was on the north side of the house; seaward. And should come out some twenty feet above the beach.
    But I’d been out there, any number of times. And there was no door to be seen.

    I’d tried opening it, of course. But it was stuck fast.
    Not locked. The handle turned freely enough. But I could not get it to open; or even move for that matter.

    I tried ignoring it. Who cares about some silly stuck door in the back corner of the basement anyway?

    I did.
    I couldn’t say why,
    But that door bothered me.

    So I took a crowbar and a sledgehammer and a big old flashlight; The sort that can double as a Billy club.

    I’m glad my house is a bit away from my neighbors. The noise I made trying to open that door.

    I’d given up.

    And then it just swung open. As smooth and quiet and easy as you could possibly want.

    And I shown my flashlight into the darkness beyond.
    Nothing.
    No walls, floor, ceiling. Just darkness.
    Darkness that shouldn’t be there.
    An empty endless void.

    And then I saw the eyes.

    Reply
    1. 

       gregovin

       January 13, 2020

       You have invited an eldritch god into your home. Roll initiative to lock it in its void. Great job. The story lacks focus, which is its greatest weakness. It is about the house and then boom random eyes in an abyss. Still very cool though

       Reply
    2. 

       Zach

       January 13, 2020

       I really liked the story’s set-up. The description of the house almost seemed like some strange, Lovecraftian poetics which I really enjoyed. I also enjoyed the narrator’s voice and the formatting of the story. If I had one issue with this, it would be that the voice doesn’t really support the conclusion, if that makes sense. It is written very matter-of-factly with very little emotion or tone, which robs the conclusion of its impact a little bit. Overall though I still really liked it!

       Reply
    3. 

       Dukkifluff

       January 13, 2020

       Well. Shouldn’t have opened that.
       I love this piece. It has that bit of an Alice in Wonderland vibe with the tiny door, only to find whatever is in there is definitely no white rabbit. I’d love to read more of this, see it fleshed out. Definitely well written.

       Reply
    4. 

       Megan Tennant

       January 17, 2020

       Yeah a door like that in my house would be a big “no” for me. My imagination is too vivid and I would live in constant fear of the thing lol. Great building of suspense and mystery. I like the punch at the very end and the way the door opens on its own implying a sense of agency in whatever controls the door. And of course, showing us something controls the door.

       Reply
18. 

    Twangyflame0

    January 13, 2020

    Title: Suffering
    By: Twangyflame0

    Landen looked across the street at his old apartment building from the alleyway. Even though one eye only poked out from the bandages covering his vision and memory only required the use of one. His head throbbed in pain, the hunger was growing. As he crossed the street, seeing there were no cars around, he pulled up his trenchcoat’s collar.

    He could only think of Lin and Hailey, as he climbed up the fire escape. Were they all alright? How long had he been locked up in that horrible lab? Would they recognize him? Would they still love him?

    He reached their apartment and saw them, sitting on the couch watching television together. But there was something wrong, very wrong. There was another man beside Lin and Hailey was no longer a baby but now a teen. It was impossible. No way. It couldn’t be. He wouldn’t believe. He would keep denying the truth as he fell off the railing and his head slammed into the ground.

    “You alright?” Lander woke up with a start. Blood had now soaked his bandages, but they were still clinging onto him, like a curse. Some time had passed, there aren’t as many lights on.

    “Hey, you look like you’re bleedin’,” a beggar was beside worried. So hungry. So very hungry. What was happening? How long was he gone? He has missed so many days. Her birthdays. Her first steps. Her first word. She doesn’t even know who he is.

    “Hey, what’s the matter? Why are you cryin’ about?” What’s the matter? So hungry. It was those people. So very hungry. They took his life away. Why was he so hungry? They made his life hell. Could he make it stop? He should make their lives hell. Just one bite?

    In a few moments of gnashing teeth, blood, and bending sinew. The beggar was gone. He had fueled a beast. Who was now ruled by an incomprehensible need for blood and vengeance, which nothing could ever sate.

    Reply
    1. 

       gregovin

       January 13, 2020

       The idea of lost time is great. You left Lander’s status ambiguous. He could be a zombie, some other form of monster, or just corrupted human. I think this does a good job of maintaining mystery, and making us hate “those people”

       Reply
    2. 

       Dukkifluff

       January 13, 2020

       I love the idea in this piece, and I would love to see this fleshed out more. My only nitpick would be that a few sentences are a bit confusing to read, but some practice will clean that right up. Overall, though, definitely a good story.

       Reply
    3. 

       ClockFacePart23

       January 13, 2020

       This felt like the start of a new creepypasta, (and I know a good creepypasta when I see one.) I quite like the way you emphasize the hunger, the longing. I could feel how hurt he was. You did a good job with the wording, felt well-paced considering the word count. I would love to read more!

       Reply
    4. 

       Rene

       January 13, 2020

       The idea is neat, but i got bogged down on so many sentences due to various spelling errors, grammatical errors and you even used the wrong tense a couple of times. I have to admit, I’m a sucker for the evil corporation trope and the direction you took it in reminded me quite a lot of the PROTOTYPE games, although only in terms of the general premise, so I would like to see you take another crack at it after you iron out a few of the more glaring mistakes.

       Reply
19. 

    TheYouke

    January 13, 2020

    At the bottom of the sea, by Andrei Pufu

    It was a cold day in hell.

    A gramophone was playing Shostakovich’s second piano trio to the ocean of smoke that was Terry’s room.
    I doubt he heard it through the stench of his thoughts and the cheap brandy that constantly flooded his brain.

    “How many cigarettes in eternity?”

    The answer never came.

    “Absurd question… But how bloody long will forever have to be until the streets of hell will be saturated with empty eyes drowning in endless, pointless nothing? As if this question’s better… As if there is any question worth the effort when you’re the only one who’s listening. I must be going insane…”

    At the bottom of his room, on the ocean’s carpet floor, sunken empty bottles and packs of cigarettes were patiently waiting for the end of time.

    “Hell needs a psychiatrist, alright… but that’s not me.”

    He sighed. The pale light that invited itself through the window gave shape to the smoke. There was a peculiar beauty to it… Time was trapped in this room, and so was Terry, for the time being.

    The sound of glass shattering was the spring that got the clock ticking again, welcoming a pebble and much-needed oxygen into the room.

    “Oh, for fuck’s sake… can’t a man rot in hell in peace? On second thought…”

    He must have realized his wording implies there was peace, somewhere in this abyss he was willingly sinking in…
    Perhaps this abyss was not bottomless… and perhaps the bottom was another surface to reach out of when the Brandy dries up, on a cold day in hell.

    Reply
    1. 

       ClockFacePart23

       January 13, 2020

       I liked your take on the concept of hell and I found the humor in this to be quite funny, in a morbid kind of way. The self-dialog really kept the story moving and gave us a good picture of what the character was thinking. It was a good piece and I hope to read more of your writing in the future.

       Reply
    2. 

       Simon D. Field

       January 15, 2020

       Right-o, Andy, I swear that pointing out mistakes in discord’s the bane of me because now I have nothing to grumble about. Bollocks.
       Well, there is one thing, though. Capitalise the Second Piano Trio. Proper names are habitually capitalised.
       Also the ellipses feel unwarranted ‘ere: “There was a peculiar beauty to it… “. I’d go with just a good ol’ full stop.
       “The sound of glass shattering”. “shattering glass” would sound better.
       Aside from that, I’ll reiterate on my praise of your writing abilities. This is well-written, and the English is practically immaculate for a non-native.

       Reply
    3. 

       R J Chapman

       January 16, 2020

       Excellent use of dialogue in this. I love writing characters’ speech but it tends to turn into a script so have abandoned any attempts to do it on here so far. You balance it well though and it adds humour and personality to the character. Also loved ‘the stench of his thoughts’ as a piece of imagery. My only real criticism is a slight overuse of elipses. They do the job but using them too much lessens their impact. If you want to slow things down or fracture them, try using a few single sentence paragraphs and a few shorter simple sentences to mix it up a little. Other than though, I really enjoyed this. Good job!

       Reply
20. 

    Nicole

    January 13, 2020

    Down Below (And Up Above)
    By Nicole

    It’s inevitable.

    This little endless cavern is not very deep. About 6 feet or so.

    Its darkness is often easily penetrated by the forces of light, not that it does the denizens any good as their eyes no longer register light.

    Or anything for that matter.

    Down in these depths flow the shattered remains of lives.

    The outsiders and outliers, who always have their anthems.

    The triumphant and mighty, who always have their ballads.

    The desperate and desolate, whose cries inspire madness.

    The silent and serene, who are rare among the throng.

    The pieces of them flow away as they rot, rigor mortis a thief with a good eye for loose limbs and still rosy flesh.

    They flow deep into the Earth, weaving between roots and the clumsy feet of the living.

    They clump and stretch into each other, wiggling and weaving until their become one.

    Finally, in one last beautiful blasphemy, they rise.

    They rise, and rise, and rise………

    Until finally, they burst from the Earth, the Sun an unholy baptism for such dark creatures.

    Except they are no longer dark.

    They are colorful, beautiful, free.

    They are roses, bluebells, daisies and carnations.

    After all, the most beautiful things often have the most morbid origins.

    Reply
    1. 

       Dukkifluff

       January 13, 2020

       This is a beautiful piece. The descriptions written are wonderful. I didn’t know at first what exactly was being described, but by the end, it hit me. I can’t describe how much I adore this. Something we think is so simple, described so fantastically. You’ve done a wonderful job here.

       Reply
    2. 

       Matthew(Handsome Johanson)

       January 13, 2020

       This was great! You did an excellent job with imagery and metaphor 🙂 I only have nitpicks for feedback: In the third sentence, you use the word “light” twice which is bad form. That’s all i got lo. You write very well!

       One thing to note, however, this definitely wanders into poem territory. Poems wont get read on stream (at least with the current rules) but you can still get feedback here!

       Reply
    3. 

       MasaCur

       January 15, 2020

       Ah, the circle of life, as the dead give sustenance to the living. I did love the descriptions you gave in the text, the turn of phrases that you made. The darkness you described made the twist at the end hit harder. Good job.

       Reply
21. 

    GJFuller

    January 13, 2020

    In Absence of Heaven
    By Giovanna J. Fuller

    I felt as though a series of steel bars were being wrapped and slowly tightened around my ribcage.

    Bu-dum.

    Bu-dum.

    Every breath was a struggle.

    Bu-dum.

    Bu-dum.

    “It’s ok, dear, you can let go.” Her voice came from behind a mist clouding my ears.

    Bu-dum.

    Bu-dum.

    My poor girl, she sounded so mournful.

    Bu…-…dum.

    Bu…-…dum.

    I could hear my own heartbeat slowing down.

    Bu…-…dum.

    Bu…-…dum.

    It was ok?

    Bu…-

    It was ok.

    dum.

    Umm…ok. I had let go… Did you hear? I let go!

    What now? Aren’t there some sort of pearly gates to be walked through? Hello? Hello!

    Maybe a new life for me? Maybe I’ll be a dog or something.

    I waited.

    Nothing. No answer.

    I could just-.

    I couldn’t just. I went to scream, but no sound came. I went to inhale, but no air. I tried to open my mouth to do either and…no mouth.

    I tried to look around, but nothing. Nothing to see. Darkness? Void? No, I had no eyes.

    I went to feel around. No hands.

    In vain, I tried my last sense.

    Nothing.

    It was then that I became acutely aware that I had been waiting for a long time for something to happen. Or a short time. It struck. I couldn’t even tell. In vain, I tried to think back to what had happened. I had let go. I waited for a bit…for a bit? How long was a bit?

    I decided that if I couldn’t remember how long a bit was, I would at least begin to keep track of time until something happened.

    1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10…11…12…12…12…12…CRAP!

    I’ll start again. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…

    Hello?

    Someone?

    Anyone?

    Hello?

    I went to scream, but no sound came.

    I cried, but could one even call it crying without any tears?

    1…2…3…4…5…

    Reply
    1. 

       Dukkifluff

       January 13, 2020

       I love the way that you wrote this. Touching on that uncertainty after death. What if there are no gates? What if you’re not just stuck here? From the way I interpreted this, it’s like you just cease to be, but your mind is trapped in who knows where. The confusion, the panic, the fear… I can feel it all reading this. Very good job.

       Reply
    2. 

       Alexander

       January 13, 2020

       I will be disappointed if RNG decides this doesn’t go on stream.

       Reply
       1. 

          TruCad3ri

          January 14, 2020

          #totallyagree

          Reply
    3. 

       Nicole

       January 13, 2020

       This is extremely creative! What really got me was the counting in the piece, especially at the end. The anticipation was built perfectly and the ending conveyed the emotion of desperation and fear so well with only a string of numbers! It gave me chills and also hit hard, as good writing should. Well done!

       Reply
    4. 

       Twangyflame0

       January 13, 2020

       Amazingly well done. This is going to make me stay up all night just hearing those numbers roll in my head.

       Reply
    5. 

       Zach

       January 13, 2020

       I found this to be terrifying and sad in equal measure. For obvious reasons, death is something that we all worry about, and this addresses that fear we all have. This might be personal, but I find it unnerving to the fullest.

       Reply
    6. 

       Gilfredy Acevedo

       January 16, 2020

       What an interesting take on how life after death could feel. You definitely tapped into a fear that many people have on the afterlife (or lack thereof) and wrote it in such a realistic way that I’m definitely has left an impact on me, and I don’t doubt on many others as well. You were able to accomplish what you set out to do and succeeded in spades. I’m glad I was given the opportunity to read this wonderful piece of writing.

       Reply
22. 

    Will Morrow

    January 13, 2020

    On the nature of reality
    By Will Morrow

    If you cannot see, hear, feel or smell, are you real? Do we exist if we have no way of knowing or is it the other way around? Perhaps nothing is real but us and things only exist because we claim it does. Reality, or this thing we claim is reality, exists at the edge of existence, teetering over the edge of an abyssal void known as death, a void who’s hungering maw may easily snatch you up in its empty fangs in some hollow attempt to enjoy what is ours.

    Perhaps this thing called reality isn’t reality as we would expect it, it feels to real to be real, like a strange and suspicious salesman selling a replica of masterful quality, indistinguishable from the original but you know it’s not real because they just keep telling you how it’s definitely real with the wind blowing and rain falling which you can feel because it’s real, I assure you.

    Reality is a trap, one set by the nothingness, a con by the salesmen to get you to buy in so he can get what he wants by filling you with a lethal curiosity to explore existences deadly wonders. If we, ourselves are real, we need not buy in to this falsehood as we already have that which we want, so death will have to wait for us to die of old age, robbing it of the one thing it may have throughout its horrid non existence. A taste for life itself.

    Reply
    1. 

       Madelyn

       January 13, 2020

       I got memories from my philosophy class reading this piece, and since I actually enjoyed that class, it was a welcome experience. The way it was written fits what’s being discussed, and if there is a perspective character to this entry, I can certainly feel that voice shining through. Excellent job!

       Reply
    2. 

       Dukkifluff

       January 13, 2020

       I was a bit confused reading this, but somehow it seemed to fit perfectly. There’s so many different ways this could be interpreted, and I love that it makes the mind wander those different paths, trying to understand it. Trying to make sense of it in a way the mind sees fit to accept. Much like reality itself, sometimes it’s hard to understand, and because of that, it sticks with you.
       My one teeny tiny itsy bitsy nitpick is that you simply missed an ‘o’. ” it feels too real to be real”. Literally my only pick, and that’s just because I’m a stickler for spelling. Other than my OCD being OCD, it’s very well written. 10/10.

       Reply
    3. 

       Alexander

       January 13, 2020

       I got vibes from Narnia (The ending, if you’ve read it you’ll know), I got vibes from my own thinking awake at night, so 10/10 for writing something interesting, but you lose points for giving me an existential crisis.

       Reply
    4. 

       Zatar

       January 13, 2020

       Creepy, as it is supposed to be.
       Nicely surreal. And nicely complete. A lot of stuff here is great because I makes me want to keep reading. And then there’s stuff like this, that’s great because it’s complete.

       Reply
    5. 

       Matthew(Handsome Johanson)

       January 13, 2020

       hmm, this isn’t really fiction is it! Rather, this dives more into speculative philosophy. I enjoyed your musing writing style. 🙂 I thought it would be fun to discuss how you could turn a piece like this into fiction. One way to do it, would be to form a dialogue. You would be familiar with this method if you’ve read the terrifying “Republic” by Plato. A more complicated way is to evoke the sentiment through action. In this piece, to ponder reality, one could call reality into question, as you did, in a more literal sense. Have an actual salesmen try and convince you(the reader) of the nature of reality.

       Reply
    6. 

       Mehrunes Drejgon

       January 14, 2020

       A great philosophical creation but i have one problem. There is more philosophy here than just a story, you should anchor your creation. I waiting for more. Ah this abyss of existing…

       Reply
    7. 

       MasaCur

       January 15, 2020

       This is going to sound weird, but your piece actually hit me in a relate-able way. I once had a dream that I had died, and my afterlife was a void of nothing but me and my own thoughts. So reading this brought this back to mind again.
       Admittedly, it is a well written piece, although less a narrative and more a philosophical treatise on the nature of reality, and what happens after death, possibly told in a monologue. Still, I did enjoy it.

       Reply
    8. 

       Gilfredy Acevedo

       January 16, 2020

       Very interesting writing, as I feel that you really nailed the concept of reality, as you explore the technicalities of what we perceive to be a reality, and whether it is what we truly believe it to be (and the example you used with the salesman was an excellent analogy). My only suggestion is to be wary of run-on sentences (as I have a habit of doing so as well), but other than that I enjoyed your writing, and I look forward to seeing more of your work in the future.

       Reply
23. 

    Dukkifluff

    January 13, 2020

    Bad Luck
    ~by DukkiFluff~

    I cry out as the ship’s crew throws me overboard with my ankles bound in chains, my husband fighting against his restraints to try and reach me.

    My body hits the icy cold waters below, the waves swallowing me instantly. I struggle against the water, but it’s hopeless.
    I’d never learned how to swim.

    The undertow drags me down, my heavy iron restraints only making me sink faster. My hands claw at the water, reaching desperately for the surface.

    Needles stab every inch of my skin, and salt water burns my lungs as I watch the bubbles rushing to the surface, mocking me.

    Darkness creeps over my vision, my body growing weaker. I stop fighting, letting the abyssal depths of the ocean consume me.
    My mind fades, and I’m left with nothing, but rage.

    A new, fresher pain suddenly wracks my body, searing through my veins. I scream into the waters, bubbles erupting from my mouth. My legs ache horribly. My fingernails claw at my burning throat. The agony lasts an eternity of a few seconds.

    Once the pain subsides a bit, I regain my thoughts. My vision is clearer, the ocean taking on a tranquil deep blue. I examine my vast, empty surroundings, then myself. My legs had fused together, my toes evolving into elegant, translucent fins; my skin glitters with ice crystals, some forming patches of pure ice along my arms.

    I swish my tail, the chains easily slipping off and plummeting to the ocean floor.

    I look up, swimming slowly towards the surface, but stopping short of breaching it. So many emotions fill me; fear, anger, sorrow. I hug myself as I weep.

    The sound of an approaching ship catches my attention. I peek my head above the water, watching the lights approach as the cheers of the sailors grew louder. My anger grows with it.

    They threw me over for being bad luck. I’ll show them bad luck.

    I open my mouth, my voice echoing into the night air, my throat stinging, though it hinders me not.

    I don’t plan on leaving anyone alive.

    Reply
    1. 

       Madelyn

       January 13, 2020

       It’s great seeing a mermaid story after what feels like ages. Usually they’re mentioned to give fantasy worlds depth, but unless I missed out on something, they’re usually not the focus of most plots. Utilizing first person perspective served you well in this piece and you really captured this character’s emotions during each moment.

       Reply
    2. 

       Alexander

       January 13, 2020

       I like the way this plays out, and it has a good amount of description. I could almost feel him drowning, and it felt good to finish the story the way you did. I would’ve liked to have this paced a bit slower, but the word limit doesn’t really let us do that. Overall, good job!

       Reply
       1. 

          Dukkifluff

          January 13, 2020

          I know what you mean. I fought with the pacing quite a bit, honestly. I’m glad it came out in a way people like. Thank you!

          Reply
    3. 

       GJFuller

       January 13, 2020

       I love mermaid stories! This was so good. There are so many good descriptions here and I like the amount of time you gave to detailing her drowning, letting that feeling of horror linger until she started her transformation. This would make a good origin story for a ghost-like mermaid legend.

       Reply
    4. 

       Will Morrow

       January 13, 2020

       I really liked the imagery you used in the beginning which really helped to emphasise the initial horror of the situation though I feel the shift from them drowning in a scarily real manor to them becoming a mermaid was too sudden but that’s likely due to the word count. Overall this is a really good piece with a gripping opening.

       Reply
    5. 

       Twangyflame0

       January 13, 2020

       I enjoy the power of rage so much. My favorite characters and character moments are usually filled with that emotion. It’s also nice to see this coupled with a mermaid, which, for me, is usually either just the Little Mermaid Disney style or the Siren kind of mermaids. I’ve never really viewed them as plausible characters. You, my good sir, just proved me wrong. Bravo.

       Reply
    6. 

       Zatar

       January 13, 2020

       I love stuff like this. It’s the sort of thing that leaves me wanting to keep reading.
       If there’s a place where these can be fleshed out more, please, let me know.

       Reply
    7. 

       Matthew(Handsome Johanson)

       January 13, 2020

       ANGERRR >:(
       I love how this came out! You absolutely nailed the delivery on this one 🙂 I only have nitpicking feedback for you. First, the eighth paragraph seems a bit awkward to me. It could be “As I swoosh my tail, the chains easily slip off and plummet to the ocean floor” Second, I’d like some detail to what tipped them off to the bad luck trait (word count doesn’t really permit that of course, so your fine) and last, is she going to kill her husband in the rage? 🙁

       Reply
       1. 

          DukkiFluff

          January 14, 2020

          Actually, I can explain a few things here 😊 first, I appreciate your feedback, it was just a personal preference of wording 🤷🏻‍♀️
          Second, the bad luck; it is a big superstition among sailors that having a woman on board is bad luck, so she was thrown over simply for being there.
          And third, don’t worry! It’s a completely different ship. I couldn’t explain it with my limit, as much as I tried.
          I hope I cleared some things up. Thanks for your feedback! 😊

          Reply
    8. 

       MasaCur

       January 15, 2020

       Hell hath no fury like a woman sacrificed to the sea and left for dead, huh? I really enjoyed the actual sensations you described of drowning, and then being forced to transform. It was so visceral. Awesome work.

       Reply
    9. 

       Simon D. Field

       January 15, 2020

       Aye, laddie, as it usually goes, nitpicks first.

       1. “left with nothing, but rage.”. Banish this comma, t’ain’t needed ‘ere.
       2. “I swish my tail, the chains easily slipping off and plummeting to the ocean floor.”. Thing is, they fused with the chains, as we can infer from the opening paragraph, still being on both legs. This logically implies that either the legs down from the ankle are gonna die and autoamputate (impossible rapidly. Dry gangrene is not quick) or she’s gonna end up with the chains fused into her tail and possibly producing eternal suffering. This is a much cuter idea.
       3. ” as the cheers of the sailors grew louder”. One single past-tense verb in the sea of present tense. Probably a typo. Why are they cheering in wide open sea, anyway?

       Aside from that, planned and written beautifully. I especially adore the “eternity of a few seconds” phrase. Reckon I’m gonna pocket that one for my personal use.

       Reply
    10. 

        R J Chapman

        January 15, 2020

        I love that she not only becomes a mermaid but a siren from Greek mythology in the penultimate paragraph. Would like to see you explore that further as your description of the pain and desperation she is in is very effective (e.g. ‘needles stab’, ‘ a new, fresher pain’, ‘claw at the water’). Maybe a sequel from the sailors’ perspective. I agree with Simon on the phrase: ‘The agony lasts an eternity of a few seconds.’ It’s an awesome juxtaposition and says so much about how long it felt and how long it actually was without explicitly telling the reader. I would remove the ‘a bit’ from the end ‘once the pain subsides’ as it just sounds a bit clumsy and out of place with an otherwise superbly written piece. Well done!

        Reply
24. 

    Madelyn

    January 12, 2020

    Bad Dream
    By Madelyn

    Jason somehow got separated from Avi and now he was lost. Jason pulled out the coin and pressed it between his fingers before he could spiral.

    “Focus.” Jason walked forward. The frames on the walls had no pictures, his own footsteps made no sounds, at some point the air smelled like…burning. Warm air.

    Jason stopped walking and saw an opening in the ground. He looked in, only to panic and back up as a hand with an eye embedded into its palm emerged and looked directly at Jason. It shook his hand as if it was a head.

    “NO!”

    Jason turned around and saw he was now in the school. Joshua and his gang shoved his past self into the janitor’s closet and leaned up against it.

    “Just say it, Cassie!” Joshua spoke above the banging on the other side of the door. “Say you thought you were a dude and we’ll let you go!”

    Jason turned away from the sight.

    “Miss Hall?”

    Jason looked up. Mr. Poe was kneeling. When did Jason end up on the ground? He felt something grab his ankle, causing him to panic and grab onto Mr. Poe’s arm with both hands

    Mr. Poe grabbed onto Jason’s hands and spoke with his soothing voice, “Find me soon. Alpha, bravo, echo.”

    Jason tried to ask what that meant when Mr. Poe shoved him off.

    Jason’s eyes snapped open. It was dark. He couldn’t tell where he was. Where was he? Was he suffocating? Is this death?

    “Jason!”

    Jason finally noticed the figure in front of him. Avi. For the first time since they met, Avi seemed scared. Jason clung onto Avi, the closest thing he had to a positive father figure in years. Avi eventually hugged Jason back, attempting to calm Jason down.

    “I…Mr. Poe…” Jason tried to say.

    “Shh…We’ll talk about it later.”

    Jason only heard his shaky breathing after that.

    Reply
    1. 

       Alexander

       January 13, 2020

       I like the way the reader is just tossed into the story here, unsure what’s going on. I was trying to piece it together as I went, and it felt like I was tumbling through a dream, much like it seems Jason was. Good job dude, this was fun to read.

       Reply
       1. 

          Madelyn

          January 13, 2020

          Thank you so much! Hours before the prompt released, I watched a walkthrough for a recent entry in a game series called Rusty Lake. Since some of the big themes in that universe are memories and mental health, I’m honestly not surprised that it influenced my view on this prompt.

          Reply
    2. 

       Dukkifluff

       January 13, 2020

       Wow, that was a ride! we’re over here, nope now we’re here! Bam! We’re here now! I was so confused, as most dreams will make you when they go topsy turvy and give you whiplash. This is incredibly well done! My head was spinning by the end, and I felt comfort in the last few lines that made sense, though my mind was still reeling. Excellent work for sure!

       Reply
       1. 

          Madelyn

          January 13, 2020

          Thank you so much! I honestly worried about the pacing in this one since dream sequences are typically used for foreshadowing on the author’s side of things. It’s good to know that it worked out in the end.

          Reply
    3. 

       Lily/Spiderlily

       January 13, 2020

       This definitely gives off the vibes of a running story. I don’t know if that’s what’s going on here, but all of the characters feel established, even Mr. Poe and we barely see anything of him, so bravo on that point. It is really jerky and confusing, as a dream would be, and while that can be a bad thing, I think you managed it well enough here that it only served to emphasize the dream concept instead of outright throwing the reader for a loop come the end. I’m curious to know what’s going on though. If this ongoing, I’d like to read more.

       Reply
       1. 

          Madelyn

          January 13, 2020

          Thank you so much! I initially imagined this as more of a vision idea, but it didn’t fit too well with the prompt and I changed it; pacing was definitely something I worried about because of the change. I started posting stories for this world back at the “The Forest Will Change You” prompt, and I plan on exploring this world whenever I can.

          Reply
    4. 

       gregovin

       January 13, 2020

       What is even happening, is Jason experiencing a montage! It is great, feels like everything is going by too fast to be noticed. Also, he is being reminded of the bullying a friend experienced in the past.

       Reply
       1. 

          Madelyn

          January 13, 2020

          Thank you so much! Jason inadvertently became a personal character for me, and I only fully realized it while writing this.

          Reply
    5. 

       Arun Rampersad

       January 13, 2020

       The pacing! There’s only so much we can fit into 350 words and here you are, pushing the boundaries. Only spending the bare miminum time in each sequence, it felt like the pieces of a puzzle were tossed into my lap with no context. And job well done! I’m not sure if this was you working within a small word count or the whole thing was intentional, but it truly gave the effect of falling down an endless pit. I had to slowly re-read this several times, but once I did, I wanted more. I am curious about this backstory and how both these characters are tied. This reminds me of the game ‘Outlast 2’ where there are dream-like sequences of backstory peppered into the present, and you get the feeling something terrible has happened, though you don’t know what. Nice work 🙂

       Reply
       1. 

          Madelyn

          January 13, 2020

          Thank you so much! A game actually did inspire this piece—The White Door from the Rusty Lake series. In terms of the effect of falling into a pit, it was half intentional and half word count; it seemed to work out in the end, though.

          Reply
    6. 

       R J Chapman

       January 16, 2020

       This is nice and unsettling! You really do justice to the nature of dreams with your pacing and how characters and environment can just switch nonsensically. The problems faced by Jason here are deep and buried quite far into the abyss of his subconscious and I suspect his issues are more than just simple bullying. You reveal just enough to let the reader ask their own questions and make their own inferences. Good job!

       Reply
       1. 

          Madelyn

          January 16, 2020

          Thank you so much! Since dreams in most media I’ve seen usually lean more into exposition than in the actual dream experience, I used this prompt as an exercise in striking a balance between those aspects.

          Reply
    7. 

       Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

       January 17, 2020

       Oh, my goodness!! Yes! This is surreal and suspenseful! I love the blurring of past and present and the blending of realities. It keeps the reader on edge and in a state of unease throughout. It also gives a bit a backstory to Jason. I love this. It continues on from the last two installments perfectly and gives Jason a sympathetic air. I hope we see more from this world. It’s brilliant!

       Reply
       1. 

          Madelyn

          January 17, 2020

          Thank you so much! I do plan on showcasing this world more in the future, though what exactly I explore next depends on the nature of the group’s prompts. If the next prompt allows me, I want to show Avi and Balthazar Poe’s relationship—something I somehow haven’t shown yet.

          Reply
25. 

    Alexander

    January 12, 2020

    The Time I’ve Spent Here
    By Alexander (BrokenEarth)

    This time I was trapped. No miraculous escape, no friendly helper, no hope. Death would’ve been a mercy, but I knew it wouldn’t come. Time slowed to a halt down here.

    Pinpointing where I was was impossible, mainly because every photon that entered here was soon slowed until they stopped, preventing them from ever reaching my eyes.

    Letting out a sigh, although there was technically no air, I sat myself down. My mind wandered, as all minds do when left alone, and I thought it strange that I could sit at all. This abyss seemed to deny any attempt made at gravity, so the fact that a ‘ground’ seemed to exist to sit on was confusing.

    I did have plenty of time to figure it out, however, seeing as eternity would come and pass without a single second moving. I could study every aspect of this place, somehow, without seeing any of it. It didn’t quite make sense, but I could go insane down here several times over before anything happened.

    Eternity went by, and I hardly noticed. The normal universe would’ve gone to its heat death by now, twice even, if time had been keeping up. I certainly wasn’t keeping track. I could walk from one end of this place to the other and make it back to where I was before it got cold, and yet to any observer that same walk would take three undecillion years.

    Another eternity passed, and I’d taken to the habit of talking to myself. Playing I spy, the answer always being ‘nothing’, this or that, just anything really. I was in the middle of a really intense debate when I noticed that there was something I could see.

    I walked over to it, not wanting to talk about it much since I was rather bad company, my legs sore from not using them for hundreds of thousands of years, (although it had been less than a second) the object grew even clearer as I got closer.

    A pocket watch. A silver, ornately designed pocket watch.

    I threw my head back and laughed.

    Reply
    1. 

       Madelyn

       January 12, 2020

       This was a great piece. It’s an excellent look at what would happen if time stood still and the effects it would have on someone. I also like the pocket watch at the end of the story; it’s a good reminder for the character of his situation since it seemed like he was losing touch with reality.

       Reply
       1. 

          Alexander

          January 13, 2020

          Oh you can bet he was losing touch with reality, so much so he probably blamed reality for losing touch with him!

          Reply
    2. 

       Lily/Spiderlily

       January 13, 2020

       This concept would make for a really good short film. Actually, this story itself could have been a short film. I could imagine it opening up to absolute silence, and staying either completely silent or with a very soft background music playing throughout, and then that laugh when he finds the pocket watch being the only sound in the movie and also the close before an immediate cut to credits. I also like how the pocket watch and the MC seem to be the only things left in the abyss, like, what a thing to be left with when time means nothing anymore. I only found two things that I could criticize, one being the “was was”. That is a little weird to look at when reading. Maybe rewording the sentence would help? But that’s just an aesthetic thing. The other thing could be an issue with the word limit, but the rhythm of the story felt a little jumpy. The first half was very smooth and beautiful, but it doesn’t feel like he had a lot of time to settle into his situation and just went to debates and games with him self. He just seemed to completely accept his lot in life, and this would be an absolutely horrific scenario for most, but like I said, that could be a word limit thing. You can only fit so much action or thought into 350 words. Other than those two things though, absolutely lovely.

       Reply
       1. 

          Alexander

          January 13, 2020

          Totally a word count thing, I would’ve had it longer otherwise.

          Reply
    3. 

       Dukkifluff

       January 13, 2020

       I love the calmness that’s displayed here. So many people would be put in a situation like this and panic. Though, perhaps the panic came and went, and now the reader has come to terms with being stuck in a timeless place. To me, it felt like I was walking eternity, as if it were more than a word for time. The irony at the end got a giggle out of me too. So very well done. I quite enjoyed it.

       Reply
    4. 

       Nicole

       January 13, 2020

       This was quite interesting. The lack of worry and despair from your POV character was refreshing and made eons going by seem almost trivial. The consistent tone helped with this, as did the mystery behind it all. I hope you expand this because I really need to know why that pocket-watch was so funny. Well done!

       Reply
       1. 

          Alexander

          January 13, 2020

          The pocket watch was actually supposed to be funny in the way that finding a million dollars in the middle of nowhere is funny – Helpful, but utterly useless in the current situation. The pocket watch wouldn’t help him, but it also fulfilled his desire to know the time that was passing, as most of us do. It all smashed together in his already insane head and so he laughed.

          Reply
    5. 

       Arun Rampersad

       January 13, 2020

       I’m hoping other readers pick up on this too, but the significance of the pocket watch is profound. At first, I wondered why this? Then the irony of it came to me. Your protagonist is unnaturally calm in this situation, apart from talking to themself, so that says a lot about their character and a level of patience. This ‘time vacuum’ concept is an interesting one and I’m sure there was much more to explore if given more than 350 words. It reminded me of Narnia more than anything else, and I like the fact that you left the space vague, without much physical description. One nitpicky thing threw me off towards the ending when the protagonist was walking. I would have preferred not to read that part in brackets. I know it’s just to add some clarity, but on the other hand, it’s good to trust in the reader’s intelligence. Apart from that, nice job 🙂

       Reply
    6. 

       Matthew(Handsome Johanson)

       January 13, 2020

       Cool idea! Here’s some feedback, you talk about time passing and how it works (or doesn’t work) in the dimension a couple of times throughout the piece. The biggest offender is the in parenthesis line “although it had been less than a second.” The problem with this line to me is that it breaks the flow of the narrative. perhaps you can describe these world mechanics in one section and let it carry through. It could also be because that paragraph is just a run-on sentence.

       Anyway, props, man! It’s hard to write a story about “nothing” lol I love that ending!!

       Reply
       1. 

          Alexander

          January 13, 2020

          Yeah, you’re totally right, but I don’t really want to change it. I like it the way it is, even if it could be better.

          Reply
    7. 

       Philip C.

       January 14, 2020

       This is so good. The feeling of nothingness is described so well. I take it that the idea came from what it might be like in a black hole. very cool concept. Is there supposed to be symbolism in the pocket watch? I get that it may represent time, but the reaction of the character is a little confusing. Was it because there was no time, so the watch was a contradiction of the character’s state? Sorry, I just wasn’t sure what you meant by it.

       Reply
    8. 

       Mehrunes Drejgon

       January 14, 2020

       That was damn good. I really want to know all this story but in my opinion you should add something… i don’t know… something deeper because of weigh of story.

       Reply
    9. 

       Simon D. Field

       January 15, 2020

       Aye, chum, ’tis a good piece with an interesting premise. It is challenging at best to write on topic such as this, though, I surmise, it makes fitting into 350 words easier.
       This piece, though, merits some questions. If the narrator is unobservable because the PHOTONS cannot move, why is he able to? Why is he able to breathe? If photons do not reach the narrator, why does he distinguish if he can see something? And why is the watch visible? Does it emit light (it cannot reflect any)? If it emits light, why is it not slowed to the point of invisibility?

       Despite those drawbacks, the piece is rather neat, mate. I endorse.

       Reply
    10. 

        R J Chapman

        January 15, 2020

        This an interesting concept. It’s nice to see madness doesn’t always mean psychopathy and violence. While you possibly play a little fast and loose with laws of physics in your abyss, an emotional/philosophical truth is always a better than strict adherence to rules. The watch is a fantastic symbol of absurdism and human arrogance that we can contain, control or keep hold of time. Also, think it’s already been pointed about a few too many contractions but think that’s a word count loophole so fair do’s. All in all, an excellent bit of writing!

        Reply
    11. 

        Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

        January 17, 2020

        It’s amazing how this is both scientifically analytical and frightening. It screams purgatory to me but also a space existing outside of all reality and time (I’m assuming that would explain the pocket watch materializing). It has a matter-of-fact tone, but it still manages to convey the emotions of boredom and perhaps hysteria very well. Quite an eerie, chilling piece. Great work!

        Reply