Writing Group: Last Moment is the Longest

Hello everyone!

Thanks to our gloriously decisive Patreon voters, we have the rare opportunity to investigate a temporal anomaly!… or at least what feels like one. So prepare your flux capacitors, mobile hooks, and something to sop up the tears, because…

This week’s prompt is:

 

Last Moment is the Longest

 

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

 

I apologize, that opener was cheeky.

This prompt doesn’t actually smack too much of overt time travel or irregular temporal phenomena, does it? At first glance, it just sounds like something we all experience now and then:

Time, as we perceive it, seems on occasion to slow.

Variety of reasons for it. Maybe you’re waiting for something and your brain wishes you to suffer. Maybe you’ve just fallen in love and your heart has ordered the clock’s hands to halt so it can better catalog things. Maybe something dramatic is about to occur and your squishy human thinking apparatus lags for a moment as it process the imminent outcome.

But maybe, on rare occasion, it’s more than a matter of perception.

Perhaps the actual fabric pf reality has been damned up at some points. Who knows all the rules behind this whole cosmic production we’re a part of? Maybe it’s possible. There could be souls in afterlives, living out an eternal instant of bliss or agony just before the promised “end”. There could be rifts in time where linearity ceases and causation holds no power. On the more probable side of things, could be there’s some poor AI out there, trapped in an experiential gyre after running across a paradox in its code and never being released from it.

All of that is terribly fun, and I encourage you to explore that space.

But, don’t let the spirit of this prompt out of your sights if you can avoid it. This one should be, in some capacity, anticipatory. In all cases, good or bad, there is a moment to come after.

And the space this prompt occupies is just before it.

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

Tune into the stream this Saturday at 7:00pm CST to see if you made the cut!

The whole purpose of this is to show off the creativity of the community, while also helping each other to become better writers. Lean into that spirit, and get ready to help each other improve their confidence in their writing, as well as their skill with their craft!

 

Rules and Guidelines

We read six stories during each stream, three of which come from the public post, and three of which come from the much smaller private post. Submissions are randomly selected from among the top ten most-liked of each post, so be sure to share your submissions on social media and with your friends!

  • English only.
  • Prose only, no poetry or lyrics.
  • One submission per participant.
  • Use proper spelling, grammar, and syntax.
  • Submit your entry in a comment on this post.
  • Submissions close at 4:00pm CST each Friday.
  • No more than 350 words (you can use this website to see your wordcount).
  • Include a submission title and an author name (doesn’t have to be your real name).
  • Keep submissions “safe-for-work”; be sparing with sexuality, violence, and profanity.
  • Write something brand new (no re-submitting past entries or stories written for other purposes).
  • Try to focus on making your submission a single meaningful moment rather than an entire story.
  • Please format your submission as “Submission Title” by Author Name and be sure to separate paragraphs. (Example Submission)
  • No fan fiction without explicit permission from the source’s owner, and no spoilers for the source material if you are writing a fan fic.
  • Original art may be included in your submission, but is not guaranteed to be shown on stream. Only .jpeg format images shared via a direct link will be accepted. (Example Submission) (Information on “Direct Links”)
  • No additional formatting (such as italics or bold text) will be applied to the text of submissions. Symbols or instruction indicating such formatting may render your submission ineligible.
  • You must like and leave a review on two other submissions to be eligible, and your reviews must be at least 50 words long. If you’re submitting to the private post, feel free to leave these reviews on either the private or the public post. The two submissions you like need not be the same as the submissions you review.
  • Understand that by submitting here, you are giving us permission to read your submission aloud live on stream and upload public, archived recordings of said stream to our social media platforms. You will always be credited, but only by the author name you supply as per these rules. No other links or attributions are guaranteed.

Comments on this post that aren’t submissions will be deleted, except for replies/reviews left on existing submissions.

 


Comments

137 responses to “Writing Group: Last Moment is the Longest”

  1. R J Chapman Avatar
    R J Chapman

    This was surreal but did make me laugh. Doesn’t really fit the prompt but who cares. The “Better run, boy” line did feel very Deliverance but I genuinely sniggered at that. I also fully endorse your use of “taser” as a verb, it’s in dialogue and commonly used in the vernacular so that it completely justified.

  2. Danielle Webster Avatar
    Danielle Webster

    Farewell, Lover.
    Danielle Webster.

    We locked eyes as I strode across the space between us. Three years of a relationship, ended by lies and other people’s meddling. I poured enough of myself out trying to save “us”, I lost who I was in the process. I was no longer happy, nor was he. The flame between us had been snuffed out, and neither of us knew who was to blame, so we blamed each other.

    I inhaled my cigarette, enjoying the taste as the smoke lingered in the air. My body shook, not quite out of fear but out of shock at seeing the man who I had called lover for so long. A man of whom, I would have changed my last name for; and I’ve been married previously. A man in which so much trust I had placed. This man had seen me at my lowest moments and at my happiest as well and had stayed…until now.

    Our first fight in a three year relationship had ended ‘us’. I have a hot temper with a quick tongue to boot, and while he was slow to anger, his lies had caught up to him. I kicked him out, in a moment of anger. I gave him a week to return, only he didn’t. I went looking, to find him at a female ‘friend’s’ place. Another lie. It angered him when I sent him the image of his car in her parking lot.

    Seeing him, standing across from me, he looked ashamed. Sad. Almost regretful. I threw it in his face, how I couldn’t trust him. How he had broken so much of my trust…he had broken me. He reminded me he has reactive attachment disorder and never to pursue men like him. A warning given far too late. I worried I wouldn’t know if anything bad happened to him and he responded coldly I am still his emergency contact. But he’s now changed that number.

    The Last Moment Is The Longest, so cherish those you hold dear. Sometimes the lovers we came to know become strangers we come to miss.

  3. Felicia Taylor Avatar
    Felicia Taylor

    This is even funnier the second time around! I love the characters. It is funnily disappointing. In all fairness, though, if she didn’t want sex, she could have made that more clear. Lol! Or maybe I misread it. Great writing either way!

  4. LumiKat117 Avatar
    LumiKat117

    The Event Horizon
    by Lumi/Lumikat117

    They say that to see the edge of a black hole is to see infinity. Well I’m here to say that to live there is far, far worse.

    Who I am and where I’m from doesn’t matter, or at least it doesn’t anymore. Why? Because I’m now forever teetering on the event horizon of a black hole, forever being stretched and torn apart molecule by molecule as the sheer gravitational pulls me into the depths of the void.

    How am I speaking to you if I’m in such a state? Oh it’s simple, I am here and not. I’ve already long since been simultaneously crushed and pulled apart, but I’m also just being born, dying, going to school, on and on. I’m living my whole life repeatedly. Forever.

    As is everyone else here, caught on the event horizon. Here, time is meaningless when space itself is crushed and warped by the collapsed body of one of its own children. Oh right, you wanted to know how I was speaking to you.

    Turn around then, look, do you see it? That tiny black spec in the sky? That’s the black hole. You’ll be joining me soon, as does everyone who answers me.

    Oh, so you’re beginning to panic? Don’t bother, it’s already too late, just sit back and be ready to experience your whole life again on loop. Who knows, maybe you’ll learn to love it as I do, you can do anything you want and it doesn’t matter.

    After all, your death has already happened, stretched out in an infinite loop.

    1. Onye Okoro Avatar
      Onye Okoro

      Nice way to take a literal approach to the prompt! The only grammatical error I read was in paragraph 2: gravitational pulls. Good job and good luck, cheers!

    2. Luna Lover Avatar
      Luna Lover

      It’s awesome that you got to submit this week! This is an excellent one, Lumi! It’s really good and so frightening! It feels like an advertisement to the inevitable. Great job!

    3. Matthew(Handsome Johanson) Avatar
      Matthew(Handsome Johanson)

      i’m a big fan of black holes lol. I really enjoyed this take on it! my criticism is that I found that the fourth wall break type references to the narrator and how the reader could listen to them seemed a bit immersion breaking. I guess they would’ve landed better with me if the mode of conversation was established in the beginning. could just be my preference though.
      hope this review helps! 🙂 good job!

    4. GJFuller Avatar
      GJFuller

      I came to read yours after you commented on mine. This is so cool! I find it fascinating that we wrote on the same topic, though in such different ways. This sounds so much like a monologue from a play or the voice over to a trippy 70’s cartoon. I love this. I feel a sense of inevitable dread from the first line. Excellent nihilism.

    5. Jarjaross Avatar
      Jarjaross

      This (or something similar) was my second thought on what to do for the prompt. Using lightspeed and timespace to show time literally distorting and the final moment being the longest.

    6. R J Chapman Avatar
      R J Chapman

      There is something very unnerving and creepy about this. It really does feel like a character having been driven to true madness. It’s devilishly good.

  5. No Need to be Alarmed by Onye Okoro (ig @onyeokoro1)

    It’s early Monday morning when Blank White, a brunette middle school student, is shifting in his messy bedroom. He’s waking from a dream to deep thought.

    “Wait a minute, am I awake? Yeah, I must be since I just thought that. Oh shoot! Did I somehow sleep through my alarm? What time is it? It better not be past six!” He checks his phone.

    “Ah no way! It’s 5:00 a.m.! I woke up early! What time did I go to sleep last night? Around 12, maybe? Oh well, that doesn’t matter. Feels good to be ahead of that stupid alarm for once, but-” He lets out a yawn.

    “I’ve still got a little sleep left in me.”

    A voice murmurs in Blank’s head. “You should probably start getting ready for school. You’re gonna have to do it one way or another, so might as well do it now.”

    Blank recognizes the voice and brushes it off “Are you kidding me, Rational Blank? We’ve been given the rare opportunity to sleep TWICE in one night!”

    “Yeah, but-”

    “DOUBLE SLEEP!” Blank closes his eyes and quickly falls back to sleep.


    Blank is waking up and in deep thought- again.

    “Oh shoot! Now I done it! I slept through my alarm this time, didn’t I?” He checks his phone again.

    “It’s 5:58 a.m.!? Uh oh! The countdown to obnoxious alarm noise has begun!”

    Rational Blank erupts in a panic. “QUICK! GET OUTTA BED! TURN OFF THE ALARM!”

    “HUSH, YOU! We will wait.” Blank turns his head towards the alarm clock. It’s bright red “5:59” shines on his face like a beacon of doom instead of hope.

    Blank speaks for the first time, giving his best impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger. “Come ooon. Do it.”

    The alarm ignores his order. Blank yells. “Do It! Wake me! I’m right here!”

    Instantly, Blank’s younger brother, Walter, bursts open the door, flips on the light and yells. “BISCUITS!”

    Blank flails wildly off his bed startled.

    “You’re welcome.” Walter leaves to get ready for school.

    Finally, the alarm clock blares. “*OBNOXIOUS NOISE!*, *OBNOXIOUS NOISE!*, *OBNOXIOUS NOISE!*”

    1. So, alarm clocks are still evil and humanity’s greatest enemy…
      More seriously though, this story’s quite good. I’m glad we’ve got a couple funnier ones on this prompt, took a while for that to happen. I really liked above everything else the dialogue between ‘Rational Blank’ and ‘Blank’; that really had me laughing. Also, ‘Double Sleep’is a phrase I’ll need to start using in my daily life, with your permission of course :). I also liked the rather vivid word choices (‘erupts in a panic’, ‘beacon of doom’). I think my only criticism is a tendency to maybe stretch out some descriptions a little too much (‘instead of hope’, ‘flails wildly off his bed startled’). However, as this is one of the problems I have a lot of issues with as a writer, I feel a bit hypocritical pointing this out now. Oh well.
      Anyway, really good take on the prompt! I was really hoping to see more humour mixed in, and this is exactly the kinda stuff we needed in my opinion! Great job!

      1. Onye Okoro Avatar
        Onye Okoro

        I’m glad you enjoyed it!

    2. Onye Okoro Avatar
      Onye Okoro

      I see what you mean about the deep thought lines. I’ll be sure to keep that in mind in the future, but the flailing out the bed is staying. No negotiations!

    3. ArkansanDragon Avatar
      ArkansanDragon

      I laughed out loud at this one. What made it funnier than it probably would have otherwise been is that I’ve been in that same situation before, waking up too early, going back to sleep, only to wake up just as the alarm is about to go off and just waiting for that annoying buzz to go off while the seconds tick by… Except instead of one of my younger siblings yelling, it was a cat pouncing on me.

      Well done! You manage to capture that sense of panic at the thought of being late, that struggle to rationalize with yourself, ignoring the sensible voice in your head, more panic, and then time crawling to a halt. We’ve all been there at least a few times, I’m sure! Also, that bit where the kid imitates Arnold Schwarzenegger. and then his brother runs in and yells something random is really cute. “You’re welcome.” Lol! Just like what a younger sibling would do!

  6. Onye Okoro Avatar
    Onye Okoro

    I’m actually glad someone on this site knows how to have a little fun with their writing. Although this story doesn’t folly the prompt at all, I still found it entertaining. A few grammatical errors as well, but a fun read.

  7. Felicia Taylor Avatar
    Felicia Taylor

    The Hit by feliciataylor_91

    This isn’t personal for me, Mrs. Cole.

    Those were the last words Katherine had heard before blackness enveloped her.

    Now, she found herself gagged, bound at the wrists and ankles, a heated wind brushing across her skin. A grainy surface was beneath her.

    Before she could explore more, the blindfold was ripped away, and the gag was removed. The Sun nearly blinded her, her eyes watering. A black-clad person blocked the light, and she craned her neck at a painful angle to see him fully. It was impossible to see his face through his mask.

    Despite her near inability to swallow, she attempted to ask questions but only managed a throaty croak. Her eyes pleaded for him not to hurt her.

    He disappeared behind her faster than she could see. Her restraints were severed. He was in front of her again, sheathing his knife.

    Fire raced through Katherine’s limbs as the circulation returned, and she groaned. Through her grimace, she noticed a bulky black bag on the desert floor and a sunset whose beauty ironically contradicted her situation.

    The man hefted her onto jelly legs, her stomach churning with nausea. Her breath caught in her throat at the gun pointed at her. A silencer. What information she knew of guns came from husband. She froze.

    No. Marcus couldn’t have-

    “Run,” he commanded while shoving her between the shoulder blades. She stumbled like a newborn colt on unsteady legs, righting herself to run at a jerky clip.

    Blood surged, and her lungs burned. Each footfall felt like a precursor to the anticipated shot. How far away was he going to let her get?

    I’m about to die.

    The shot resounded, and she hit the ground from fear and instinct, the impact stealing her breath.

    She lay there, waiting for the pain to register.

    One thundering heartbeat.

    Two.

    Three.

    Four.

    Nothing beyond the pain she already felt washed over her. No second bullet was fired.

    Shakily, Katherine sat, expecting a headshot. Turning, she saw she was alone, the black bag still set on the ground.

    As the Sun finally set, Katherine wept.

    1. GJFuller Avatar
      GJFuller

      There’s no explanation as to the why, that makes this absolutely terrifying. I loved it! Good job. You really nailed the inner happenings; her being in her head and the focus on what was physically happening to her body as opposed to what was happening around her. This was really well done.

    2. Matthew (handsome Johanson) Avatar
      Matthew (handsome Johanson)

      This ended up really good Felicia! You absolutely nailed the delivery. Its terrifying and distressing. The restrictions, the bodily aches, the unknown motive/perpetrator. It’s crazy and terrifying! Well done!!

    3. I’m going to repeat myself here, but excellent job. The revisions that you made work very well. And yeah, I had actual fear for Katherine and the situation she was in. It was such an immersive story, very descriptive.

    4. R J Chapman Avatar
      R J Chapman

      Wow! And I thought you hit peak darkness when a withered hand pulled a newborn underground! How wrong was I? This is your best piece of writing to date (that I have seen here anyway…so like your best piece in the last 5-6 weeks anyway). Third person? Past tense while using gerunds? Loaded with sensory description? Yes, please!

      One minor nitpick is that you slip into first person with the line: “I’m about to die.” However, if you were allowed to put it into italics then that would work fine as an intruding thought of your viewpoint character. So I am going to blame the formatting of the website for that one. Same applies for the “No, Marcus couldn’t have- ” line.

      Top marks for using the sunset imagery to build the mood and atmosphere too. I really thought this was fantastic! Well done!

  8. Brothers By Domtron

    “When is Dahon coming back?” The young dragon questioned as his mother groomed him. “Oh! Well, we don’t know yet, your father last saw him getting treatments from the mages but they told him that Dahon is better.” The Dragon mother assured her child before rubbing her claw gently along his head. “Don’t worry Flagin, your brother will be back soon from the treatment centre-I mean hospital!” Mother flinched at her words hoping that Flagin didn’t hear that but his confused look says it all.
    “Treatment center? But he’s feeling better, why is he at a treatment center if he’s better? Did the mages found something wrong with his tummy? Is his stomach clogged up from the animals he’s eaten?” The mind of Flagin was moving at a rapid pace thinking up of all the possibilities in his mind.
    Mother didn’t want to tell him this but she had to tell him sometime. “No, it’s not clogged in his stomach, the reason your brother is in that place because me and father found your brother eating chemicals, addicting ones.” Flagin’s eyes grew wide with shock “d-drugs? Dahon was taking drugs?” Flagin thought Dahon was stronger than that, Dahon was a smart dragon how could he have fallen to that. He felt as if the world came to a halt with this revelation, as if time has stopped to allow Flagin to process this. “We found him almost overdosing, he’s going to be gone for a while unfortunately but-“ Mother’s voice was shaky, a hint of sadness was there but she tried not to let her emotions affect her son. “But thankfully me and father caught him at the right time before it could’ve killed him.” Flagin let mother’s words enter his ears but it felt unreal. He and Dahon weren’t super close with each other but they still love each other as brothers and would always be there for each other, now Flagin has to really be there for Dahon in this dark time. Mother wrapped her claws around Flagin gently comforting him as Flagin tears up in his mother’s arms.

  9. I really don’t condone your use of salty language 2/10

    1. In all seriousness about your piece, this was hilarious. I really enjoyed everything about it, from the actually relatable post date activities, to the rather absurd twist when the female character emerges in tactical gear, to the protagonist having to call his friend to get picked up, sitting half-naked in the street. It was a great laugh.

  10. Teague Ricks Avatar
    Teague Ricks

    What…. Is this? Not only does it completely break the profanity rules, its just… Really crude

  11. Waiting for the end
    By Jum

    The day was not improving for Anthony.
    Rain drenched him, and his coat scratched him.

    He held a newspaper over his head as a feeble attempt at shelter.

    He hurried along the path, eager to find somewhere dry.

    His eyes darted about, scanning the street like a radar.
    Nowhere seemed to his liking.

    His eyes quickened, desperate to find somewhere quickly as the newspaper turned to wet sludge in his fingers.

    He turned a corner and began his assessment of this new street.

    Anthony’s eyes suddenly stopped.
    An empty bus shelter, across the road, not 10 yards from him.

    Salvation.

    He lengthened his strides and stepped off the sidewalk into the wet gutter.

    Then he heard the horn.
    A truck horn.
    Anthony turned his head quickly.
    The headlights lit up his face.

    Then the truck stopped.

    Suddenly, as though someone had pressed a pause button.
    Anthony stared at the truck, then glanced around.
    The rain didn’t fall, it hung there, suspended.

    No, not suspended.
    Anthony looked closer.
    The rain was still falling.
    Slowly, moving like a snail stuck in honey.

    But this wasn’t right.
    It was supposed to be quick and painless.

    Anthony was a bit annoyed about that.
    He began to sigh, then realised how long it would take.

    He tried to occupy his thoughts, think of everyday things, but his thoughts always returned to the matter at hand.

    He stared longingly at the truck, nearly begging it to move.

    A long time passed, too long for Anthony to count, and there was no one else to do it for him.

    Then he felt something.
    The sensation of touch.

    It started gently, then grew and evolved into a burning pain.

    It spread as the contact area between him and the metal grill if the truck grew.
    Longer still he waited.

    The pain became a numbing sensation as he
    stared at the truck trying to judge the remaining distance

    Closer and still it crawled.

    Just a little more.

    Then Anthony felt the cold metal touch his forehead.

    Finally.

    Then, he died.

    1. R J Chapman Avatar
      R J Chapman

      I think this is nearly there. It’s very staccato, which is both a help and a hindrance. It helps in that it slows the pace down, which is bang on point for the prompt. However, it also doesn’t flow, which makes it difficult for the reader to engage with it fully. It’s difficult trying to balance those opposing ideas. I think it just needs a little connective tissue (some repetition or a refrain perhaps) that keeps the momentum going. You’ve used ‘still’ a few times, which with a bit more emphasis could perform that function. The prose itself is well written. It’s a good effort!

  12. Jarjaross Avatar
    Jarjaross

    The Auto Record

    By T. A. Andrewson

    Mera “Chikie” Corvan looked down at the dead body in the modified dream tube. The sight of it lying there, calm, still, peaceful, ruffled her feathers. Death shouldn’t phase her at this point, but this one did. They’d look like a sleeping babe, not even out of basic education, if not for the cauterized wound replacing the left eye. Very specifically the left eye, which their pictures showed was cybernetic.

    “Where’d you say they died again?”

    “They were at a Goblin rights rally,” the Detective in charge stated.

    “I’m almost surprised the seccorp wants this investigated then,” she muttered as she opened the adjoining dream tube and slipped into the lounge chair inside. Laying her head back the chair connected to her cybernetics while a temporary inhibitor was placed over her brainstem. Then while the tube shut over her her visions went dark.

    Then she was standing in a blank room with a grid on the floors and walls. She never customized her interpretation of the datastream, had to have a clear break between her experiences in the stream and in the world. It was part of the job.

    “Computer access partner data. Find loss of visual input on the auto record. Rewind 1 hour and begin playback.”

    Chikie watched from the rally from the perspective of the teen. She couldn’t hear the speeches or the cheering crowds but she could watch the reactions, the joy on their faces, the excitement. She could see the slogans written on the walls, the rallying cries to give rights to people grown in a lab then tossed away. And she saw the first flashes of lasers as they ripped through the crowd.

    One of the shooters waved a hand at her. Then it all went dark.

    It happened too fast for her to gather any useful information on the murderers unfortunately. She had a trick for this though.

    “Computer normalize video speed to sync with synapse firing and begin play back at timestamp 3:14.”

    After all, the last moment was always the longest.

    1. Jarjaross Avatar
      Jarjaross

      I realize I used some terminology that I haven’t world built yet so I’m leaving this comment for those curious.

      Goblin: something I hope to get into later, in this world you can send your DNA to a lab with a list of modifications you want to get a designer baby (something I don’t actually support). These designer babies normally take a few tries to get right. A law was passed stating that they “failures” can’t simply be killed, but didn’t give rights or citizenship to the “failures,” and stuff like that costs money that the corp is unwilling to spend. The failures have named themselves Goblins.

      Seccorp: a security corporation. As in not police but hired security. Like if the Pinkertons weren’t out of business. (If you’ve looked into the history of the Pinkertons yes they probably do things like that.)

      Cosmod: cosmetic modification. Basically cybernetics made to look a certain way for aesthetic instead of functional purposes, technically anything that is disguised as a fleshy part instead of a mechanical part counts but the slang is used more for things that play up the cybernetics. I think I removed this but I’m not sure I caught them all so better safe than sorry.

    2. Nice. This one is really good; I especially like the world, and you’re rather unconventional interpretation of ‘the last moment is the longest’. I also really like how this seems to be a meeting place between mystery/scifi/speculative fantasy; it’s a fairly uncommon space to operate in and I really like what you’ve done with it. Honestly, this probably isn’t the best written of the prompts (though one of the better ones), but this’ll probably be the one I remember the most. When I’m trying to remember what submissions I really liked and were interesting, it’s probably gonna be this one. Awesome job!

      1. Jarjaross Avatar
        Jarjaross

        Thank you. I don’t know how long it will last but I’m trying to put a unique twist on all of the prompts I am writing for.

    3. R J Chapman Avatar
      R J Chapman

      Excellent interpretation of the prompt. The idea of designer babies has been a common trope in science-fiction for a long time (if you haven’t already, read ‘Brave New World’ by Aldous Huxley and there’s a very underrated film called ‘Gattaca’ from the 90s which is worth a watch) but the idea of reject babies is really interesting and has got legs for a longer form story. Would love to read more about this. You might want to edit 4th paragraph as there’s a few errors, probably down to you editing down for the word count and you missed a couple of things. You also don’t need the apostrophe in slogans as I assume you were talking about multiple slogans. Other than those nitpicks, I thought this was a quality submission!

      1. Jarjaross Avatar
        Jarjaross

        I’ll take those under recommendation thank you. (I have trouble reading anything long right now just due to schedule)

        Yeah I cut down paragraph 4 from a conversation for word count.

        I would fix it but I am unable to edit it at the moment for some reason.

    4. Teague Ricks Avatar
      Teague Ricks

      I enjoyed it, except for one thing, which is that you actually used the prompt in the work. It takes away from the story. (Not to nitpick) other than that, it’s a good story

      1. Jarjaross Avatar
        Jarjaross

        I think including this particular prompt actually adds some weight to the depth of the sadness she feels at the death of one so young. But maybe thats me.

        Also it was my prompt suggestion (got really lucky for my first story and first prompt to both get selected in one week) so it felt like including as a nod to the fact that I was the one who ‘said’ it.

    5. Jarjaross Avatar
      Jarjaross

      Again I would like to thank everyone for the comments, critiques, and votes. I wasn’t as happy with the story as I was last week, but the response really helped improve my confidence in it.

  13. The English Opening

    by MasaCur

    Ritsu glanced across the chess board at his opponent, his stomach tight. He had started the match with the English Opening, but his opponent had managed to free his queen before Ritsu could finish. Now it was the chess equivalent of a melee.

    He could feel the individual droplets of sweat trickle down the back of his neck. His opponent moved, sacrificing a pawn. Ritsu’s eyes darted across the board, and he spotted the trap. He ignored the ruse, moving an unrelated pawn.

    His opponent seized on Ritsu’s move and took the pawn with his knight.

    “Fuck!” Ritsu loudly cursed.

    His opponent stared at him, and Ritsu flushed with embarrassment at his uncontrollable outburst.

    Calm down, he thought. He inhaled deeply and scanned the board. The buzzing on the time clock echoed in his ears.

    Ritsu advanced his knight. His opponent countered with his bishop. He positioned his rook. His rook was taken by his opponent’s queen.

    “Goddammit!” Ritsu swore. His opponent had countered his move. Perspiration built above his lip.

    The clock is ticking, but you have time, Ritsu told himself. He shut his eyes, counted to five, and opened them again. There it was.

    Ritsu moved a pawn into place, and his opponent paused. Ritsu looked at the clock, watching the seconds tick away. Finally his opponent took the pawn with his queen.

    “Check.”

    Ritsu paused, but he knew his move. He moved the knight back to block the queen.

    His opponent took the knight. “Check.”

    Ritsu slid his bishop back and captured his opponent’s queen. Hard fought, but victory was in hand.

    His opponent blanched.

    Ristu attacked. “Check.” he declared.

    His opponent stared down at the board, looking it over. He hovered his fingers above his king, and Ritsu waited intently for the next move.

    The silence in the room was deafening. Ritsu could hear the blood thundering in his own ears. Do it! Ritsu screamed in his mind.

    He placed his king on its side. “Congratulations, Tobose-san,” He reached across the table, offering his hand. “Checkmate in two moves, and I cannot stop you.”

    1. Simon D. Field Avatar
      Simon D. Field

      Nitpick time!

      1. “had managed to free his queen before Ritsu could finish”. Technically the opening is finished when it transitions into a certain midgame, and thus the queen should not be threatened.
      2. “ignored the ruse”. It’s called declining a gambit
      3. “moving an unrelated pawn”. Sounds a little weird. Just telling that the gambit’s been declined would be plenty enough.
      4. “uncontrollable outburst”. It’s no longer uncontrollable. It’s over. Nothing to control
      5. “time clock”. Each clock is a time clock by definition. You’re referring to a chess clock.

      I had troubles recreating the described game (it’s very vague), and it took me some time to ascertain that Ritsu and Tobose-san are the same man, but it’s written well, although I must agree with Ottz’s commentary.
      An upvote well deserved.

      1. Thank you. Yeah, It’s a little muddled, and I had to cut a lot to come under the word limit, plus my chess terminology isn’t the best. But thank you for the review.
        And, as I explained elsewhere, I am bad at chess. Writing it was difficult.

    2. gregovin Avatar
      gregovin

      a safe opening to use if the players are low skill is the queens gambit. Normally, you see the queens gambit declined, but if the player with the black pieces goes for the gambit the other player will have an easy time developing the pieces and almost certainly win the pawn back

    3. Jarjaross Avatar
      Jarjaross

      I’m possibly only upvoting this because I want a serious Chess anime. Preferably one centred around Mikhail Tal but thats because he’s my favourite chess master.

      Mainly for this sentence which is as close as I can get to quoting him off memory:
      “To beat your opponent in chess you must lead them down a forest path until the world doesn’t make sense and 2+2=5”

      1. That is an excellent quote! (Maybe a paraphrase? Not sure)

    4. Felicia Taylor Avatar
      Felicia Taylor

      This is really good. Chess isn’t my game, but I understand Ritsu’s frustration and angry outbursts at not being able to get an upper hand. You write “in the moment” moments quite well. I wanted him to win so badly, but his humble resignation and congratulations at the end is done gracefully. Great writing!

    5. R J Chapman Avatar
      R J Chapman

      You managed to get tension out of chess, a thing not done easily. I did used to enjoy the odd game myself when I was a kid (I was terrible by the way) and while it’s fun to play, it’s not a spectator sport. However, you’ve really put the reader into Ritsu’s mindset.

      I agree with Simon in that it took me a few rereads of the ending to realise Ritsu had won. It’s mainly because of his other name being used. I would have also made Ritsu lose. Firstly, he’s being a competitve dick and needs to learn to lose with a little grace. Secondly, his use of “salty” language. Thirdly, all protagonists should suffer…yeah, I know, I have issues. Lastly, I’m British and we much prefer a plucky loser to a winner (e.g. we love a failure like Tim Henman and hate a 6 time World Champion like Lewis Hamilton). With more context I may have been cheering for him but in this snapshot he needed his arse handing to him.

      Nevertheless, you have inspired quite an annoyed response in me to his victory. That’s the power of literature! Well done, it was a really good read!

  14. Simon D. Field Avatar
    Simon D. Field

    First things first: nitpicks.
    1. ” in front of a tv”. TV should be capitalized.
    2. “He threw the controller down on the couch, which bounced to spite him”. So he throws the controller on the couch. And the couch bounces. This is one weird couch. He threw […] couch, and it bounced […] would look more appropriately. It is still ambiguous, but at least allows a proper interpretation. Current phrasing does not.
    3. “Calm down princess”. Technically, when you address someone, you ought to add a comma. If I recall correctly, it is palatable to omit the comma in cases such as this, but it is still grammatically suboptimal.
    4. “I’ll taser your nuts”. I had my doubts, so referred to the Merriam-Webster dictionary for guidance. It has confirmed my assumption. Taser is a noun only. The verb for its usage is “to tase”. Thus you are employing an incorrect word.
    5. “Better run boy.” Same as nr. 3
    6. “He grabbed his jacket, sprinting out the door. He heard a deep belly laugh from the open door.”. You are repeating the word “door”, and it feels a tad excessive.

    There are no more nitpicks. Although I cannot fully condone the premise, it is rather soundly written and uses appropriate in a given context language. I fully endorse it. You usually write well. You have written well this time, too.

  15. “See You Soon” by Carrie

    “So, you’re going back to the elven lands?” Ethan asked, sitting across from me.

    “Yeah, back with my mom. I spend the school year there, and the summers out here.”

    “So, you’ll be back? Next year?”

    “I hope.” I played with my ivory braids. “The elven lands are nice, but that doesn’t mean I like them.”

    “Why’s that? They seem perfect from what I’ve heard.”

    “Sure, if your idea of perfect is a bunch of ageless, pompous, snooty adult brats you only have half in common with.”

    He laughed. I couldn’t help but smile.

    “Hey, Naela?” Ethan looked up at me.

    “Yeah?”

    “Can we keep in touch while you’re over there? I know elves don’t use phones, but—”

    I giggled. “Phones are expensive. Magic is not.”

    “Well, for you, but—”

    I showed him the paper and ink in my satchel. “Letters. Like the olden days.”

    “But I can’t use magic to send them to you.” He started picking at the grass.

    “Oh. Right.” I put my bag away. “Well, I can give you my address. There’s always the Raven Network.”

    “Really?” His eyes lit up.

    “Yes. It’s real.”

    We laughed. Then we heard a long whistle echo between the trees.

    “That’s your cue, isn’t it?”

    “Yeah…” I slowly got up.

    “Um,” Ethan also stood up, “I’m going to miss you, Naela. This was the best summer I’ve ever had. Really.”

    “Yeah. Me too.” I’d spent the last week trying not to think about today, or how I wouldn’t be able to explore the forest with Ethan anymore, or play at the creek together, or even devour my dad’s pastries together, the kinds that elves thought were inferior to those bitter flower monstrosities. My mom was right to marry a baker, despite those stupid elf-human restriction laws…

    “Um, addresses?”

    “Oh, right.” We traded slips of paper. “I guess this is goodbye, huh?”

    “Yeah. Goodbye, Naela.”

    “See you soon, Ethan.” I headed out of the forest. I tried not to look back, but I couldn’t help myself.

    He waved at me the whole way home.

    1. Jarjaross Avatar
      Jarjaross

      I think I want to read this as a star crossed lovers fic, but the feel of the characters is more “my best friend is leaving town.” That might just be me though.

      Either way it is great world building even if I don’t find much to the story,

    2. Matthew (handsome Johanson) Avatar
      Matthew (handsome Johanson)

      I like this! It works for me 🙂 the semi-awkwardness of the dialogue and encounter really gets across how this moment feels and hits with these characters. It really makes me wish these characters see eachother again and have more great times together! Good stuff!

  16. Teague Ricks Avatar
    Teague Ricks

    FOR THE LAST TIME —
    [By Teague (Not Teagan) Ricks]

    The last day of school. That is crazy. For about 1019 hours, 52 minutes, and (give or take a few) 27 seconds. And now 28. You get the point. Freedom is so close! I can practically taste it! I look around the room. A couple friends are whispering in the back. I recognize everyone in the room. There’s the guy who drew a (CENSORED) on the bathroom wall, there’s Dwayne, one of my few very close friends, there’s my crushes boyfriend– dangit. There’s the smart girl, that one quiet dude, all these people I’ve been with all year, and I won’t see most of them for a few months! And the room itself, my homeroom, with all the little familiar things I’ll probably never see again. It’s really crazy. Next year, I’ll have to relearn so many things and remember so much new stuff. I wonder what my schedule will be like–
    “FOR THE LAST TIME, CARLOS, ARE YOU EVER GOING TO START LISTENING IN CLASS?” My teacher Mrs. Retneprac yells, jolting me out of my daydream. “We’re going over how next year is going to go, and I expect everyone to listen!” As if the last minutes of this year aren’t long enough.

    1. R J Chapman Avatar
      R J Chapman

      I enjoyed the stream of consciousness here. Often people just write their own philosophical musings and then call it a story saying it’s a stream of consciousness. However, here you have used it for your character. It’s got a nice mixture of impatient desperation and melodramatic nostalgia that captures the teenage psyche very well. One small error I spotted was crushes, which should be crush’s. Other than that, excellent job!

      1. Teague Ricks Avatar
        Teague Ricks

        To be fair, I did write it in one sitting with no grammar checks 😂 thanks for the correction and the nice review

  17. AvraKehdabra Avatar
    AvraKehdabra

    “Witching Hour” By AvraKehdabra

    A scream eclipses the midnight air as sparks and embers make their way to the moon. Houses burn, skin burns, possessions burn. They make their way forward, one house after another. I hear their yells and signals.

    “We know you are here! The Lord will cleanse these streets through our hands, and the Devil shall be cast out!” The singe of flesh as another girl is thrown into the bonfire. Her cries carry on for far too long.

    They call us witches: people of the occult. Yet none of us accused have ever done anything as brutal and sanguinary as the sins these so called men of God commit on this night. I hear them outside my door and I tighten my grip on the whimpering child at my hip. He’s only a boy, but he is my blood, so I fear he will be cast into the flames as well. More screams echo through the town, and I know Salem shall never be the same.

    I know they are coming for me. I know the hour approaches. My only hope is to be overlooked, but when I hear the men making their way towards my hiding place, this possibility becomes an impossibility. All life has been taken for granted, I know I was guilty of it as well. But in my last moment I am washed of fear, and the thought of death is forgotten. I only hope my child would forgive me for not being able to provide a fulfilling life. A thousand memories choke my mind, and was replaced with regret.

    The love for my child overwhelmed my soul and mind while just as many flames engulf our bodies. The night ends in silence alongside the crackle of the fire. All is forgotten, but nothing is forgiven. My last moments last long enough for me to hear the sound of my child die.

    My last moments last far too long.

    1. AvraKehdabra Avatar
      AvraKehdabra

      Hey, big thanks for reviewing my micro-fiction. I’m new to the writing world and I really appreciate the constructive criticism 🙂

  18. R J Chapman Avatar
    R J Chapman

    “The Chamber” by R J Chapman

    They wait.

    Shivering and naked, he looks at those around him. A family next to him are huddled together. He stares at the woman, her arms wrapped around both children, pulling them into her bare breasts. The father’s skeletal frame is crouched just behind and he whispers words of comfort. Soon, the words swell in his throat. He fights, trying to overcome the despair. Uncontrollable sobs follow.

    They wait.

    A teenage girl stands alone. He wonders about her parents. Her only company is that of her swollen belly. She strokes it, whispering. He looks away; it’s too much.

    They wait.

    An old rabbi sits in front of him. The old man is not strong enough to stand. He has a look of resignation on his face as he looks at those surrounding him. They are praying. The rabbi does not. God isn’t listening. God isn’t here.

    They wait.

    He hears a noise from above. Everyone else looks up in synchronicity. It sounds like something is on top of the chamber. There is a collective hope that it’s a sign the showers are starting. He looks at their eyes; they look like cattle.

    They wait.

    The dim lights fade to black. The hushed tones of doubt and worry have become deafening wails and howls.

    They wait.

    He tries to remember something good. He can’t. He tries to remember before the camp. He can’t. He tries to remember the faces of his parents, his sisters, his wife…his son. He can’t. His mind is as hopelessly imprisoned in the present as his body is in this abattoir.

    They wait.

    The sounds of panic are now mixed with those of bodily functions. His nostrils burn with vomit and defecation. He barely notices he is standing in piss. It might be his own. It doesn’t matter.

    They wait.

    A hand squeezes his. It is as rough and calloused as his own. He can tell neither the age nor the gender. It doesn’t matter. He squeezes back.

    They wait.

    Coughing and spluttering begins. The air is foul with more than human excrement.

    The wait is over.

    1. R J Chapman Avatar
      R J Chapman

      As you may know, today is Holocaust Day. It is 75 years since the Soviet Forces liberated Auschwitz and the world discovered just exactly what the Nazis had been doing. It is hard to argue against the notion that it is the most irredeemable act of evil humanity has ever committed.

      I hope this makes you feel uncomfortable. I hope this makes you feel upset. It made me feel uncomfortable and upset writing it. There are no metaphors here. There are no symbols. This is simply what my limited imagination and flawed prose could muster up. As time passes, it is very easy to hide from the horror. The statistics are overwhelming and unimaginable. The survivors are starting to die out. What can I say about it that hasn’t already been said? I am not Jewish. I’m a middle-class white British man that has never experienced racism or persecution. I cannot begin to imagine what that is like, let alone for those poor people in those concentration camps. Today though I did my best to and it was truly awful.

      1. Samantha R DeShong Avatar
        Samantha R DeShong

        This is…there are no words. You captured this horrid event so well. I’m in tears right now. The sadness…the resignation and fleeting hope…and the ending…just…wow.

        1. R J Chapman Avatar
          R J Chapman

          Thank you Samantha.

    2. ClockFacePart23 Avatar
      ClockFacePart23

      What a powerful piece. It’s a sad thing that this really happened to people. But you captured the emotion perfectly. The sadness, the heartache, it was there and I felt it. “They Wait” was a good touch, it helps nail the point into place. Good job, I hope to read more of your work in the future.

      1. R J Chapman Avatar
        R J Chapman

        Thanks ClockFace.

    3. Teague Ricks Avatar
      Teague Ricks

      Wow, this is very well written and it really does a good job of its purpose. Unlike a lot of the other works here about death, it doesn’t delve to much into the character or their life, it takes it’s simple role as a short story very seriously. This is truly a masterpiece

      1. R J Chapman Avatar
        R J Chapman

        Thanks Teague. Not sure it’s a masterpiece but glad it carried an impact.

    4. GJFuller Avatar
      GJFuller

      Stories like this really make me remember why I love writing and reading so much. You don’t have to experience something to write on it and you don’t have to have a direct tie to something to feel it either. Writing, for me anyway, is a great experiment in empathy where someone tries to understand the point of view of someone they’ve never met. Writing forces you and the reader to look at the world outside your own skin. Trying to step into something like this is hard and gosh darn uncomfortable.
      Well done.

      1. R J Chapman Avatar
        R J Chapman

        Thanks GJ. I wasn’t sure if it was hubris to tackle this subject in a 350 word story, which is why I felt I needed to write the disclaimer at the end. But really happy that people have – well enjoyed isn’t really the right word – read it and its had an effect. As a writer, I can ask for nothing more.

    5. Simon D. Field Avatar
      Simon D. Field

      A good piece. However, before I praise it, I must also nitpick.
      The criticism is warranted by the penultimate line. Namely by coughing and foulness of air.

      Firstly, I am not sure that HCN (and Zyklon B is merely HCN with like 3 or 5% of chloropicrin as an irritant warning agent and, if I recall correctly, another warning agent with a different evaporation speed, the reason being to warn the workers of presence of HCN both before and after it evaporates. My memory tells me that Auschwitz used safety-marked Zyklon B, except the irritants were somewhat reduced in the later periods due to war shortages, and thus more precautions had to be employed when working with the gas) induces coughing. I know that it does stimulate breathing and gradually induces shortness of breath, but not so sure about coughing. It might be erroneous. After all, HCN does not work like your standard asphyxiant like chlorine, it inhibits breathing on a cellular level instead of messing with your lungs.

      Secondly, the foulness of the air raises some questions, HCN is not that foul. You might have gone for the chloropicrin irritant here, I guess, which has an unpleasant smell. It might induce coughing via bronchitis, but I do not know if it would be possible in such a short timespan. The only acute breath-relating symptom I’ve positively confirmed is chest contraction. Just contraction. Forcing breath out. But no coughing (also seen that it might cause convulsions, in which case it’s just gasping, I think). Also it depends on the concentration. I’ve ran some rough calculations using the information about the largest capacity Auschwitz facilities and the post-war trial assessment of Zyklon B effectiveness. It yields more than enough chloropicrin to induce severe digestive and respiratory systems irritation. Oh, and also the eyes too. But not coughing.

      Although my estimations can be flawed, primarily by the lack of data on gaschamber volume.

      Despite these (only possible, since I have no great expertise in the field) drawbacks, it’s still an amazing story. Well-timed (though I didn’t know about the Holocaust day till yesterday. Oh well, eager to learn), well-conceived, well-written, and so sound fact-wise that I’ve struggled to find mistakes. A tad sad, just as I like, and quite deliciously bleak.

      Great job, cobber! You have outdone yourself this week.

      1. R J Chapman Avatar
        R J Chapman

        Simon D. Field nitpick? Surely not! No worries mate, these are valid criticisms. I’m no expert so the coughing may well be inaccurate. I just thought anyone suffocating and struggling to breathe will naturally cough through either a desperate intake of breath or cough through trying to hold their breath. I will force myself to read more into it, unpleasant reading it may be. The air is foul in the metaphorical sense though. I’ve zoomed out by the end, I’ve deliberately left the viewpoint character behind and that is just a plain old omniscient narrator. I couldn’t bring myself to describe the start of his death.

        Thanks for the praise buddy. I really do appreciate it.

        1. Simon D. Field Avatar
          Simon D. Field

          The praise is well deserved. I shall affirm that it is doubtful that coughing would be an issue, since chloropicrin would inhibit holding breath, and HCN causes no severe irritation (of which coughing is a product).
          Regarding the POV character’s death, I actually desire to praise you for omitting it, since providing an accurate description would require some simple math to ascertain what the effects would be and how quickly would the acute poisoning develop given the concentration. That is, you would have to calculate the mass-per-volume concentration. Which would require quite a lot of information. It’s easy to obtain most of them, including the amount of Zyklon B to dispatch a given number of people, but the problem is the volume of a chosen gas chamber. I failed to obtain this information. So it is, in fact, more sound to omit it altogether. It is thus commendable.

    6. Jarjaross Avatar
      Jarjaross

      Oh god this is dark.
      Terrifyingly dark.
      I wholly support the use of darkness and horror to remind us just how evil humanity can be when left unchecked. Especially in this time of racist and fascist leaders.
      I will admit I was hoping to read and review happier fluffier stories but this I couldn’t let this go by without noting the horrible reminder of who we can be when we think we can get away with it.

      1. R J Chapman Avatar
        R J Chapman

        Thanks mate. I’ve written some pretty dark stories on here before but I try to always have some sort of catharthis in them. For this though, it had to be as bleak and hopeless as I could make it. Whatever the prompt is next week, I’m going light-hearted!

    7. Felicia Taylor Avatar
      Felicia Taylor

      I knew about halfway in what the content of this story was, but I could not keep myself from finishing. It’s horrendous that our history contains this gruesome cruelty, but you captured it incredibly well. I cried. Full praise and great tribute.

      1. R J Chapman Avatar
        R J Chapman

        Thank you Felicia.

    8. This was such a powerful piece. It was not an easy read, but it was something that I appreciate you for writing. The anticipation and the despair in this piece is incredibly palpable, and the repetition of “They wait.” helps increase the tension of the piece. Thanks for writing this.

      1. R J Chapman Avatar
        R J Chapman

        Thank you for reading it.

    9. ArkansanDragon Avatar
      ArkansanDragon

      What can I say about this one that others have not? I don’t know when it dawned on me where and when this story takes place, it was too subtle a thing. You capture the horror and despair very well here, more so because such horrors really happened. There is a reason “Never Again” was the vow sworn when such places were liberated. I didn’t know that the day you posted it was Holocaust Day, so I thank you for that at least. If you get a chance, go and visit the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. I went there during a high school field trip to D.C. I’m not Jewish either. Holocaust was just a word to me before that, another bad event of the past I heard of, but didn’t understand. I learned better during that trip. I will never take the name lightly again after that visit.

      1. R J Chapman Avatar
        R J Chapman

        Thank you. If I ever manage to visit Washington D.C. I will definitely go. Auschwitz is on my bucket list though.

  19. jesse fisher Avatar
    jesse fisher

    Last of the Friends by Jesse Fisher

    The sun rises as the morning dew glistening in the light as it rolled off of a lone figure on a bench in a place where it could only be seen as a statue if not for the moments of fingers twitching or the quiet hum of the lights and motors allowing its movement.

    Here a blue palleted bot held it’s visored head as it traveled back like it did every night for what seemed years. Voices of those that laid at its feet, those that had long been silent to the outside world. In a moment it began again first was the boss, he had a wild ride and in the end left with peace. Then was the empty headed one, he would have smacked the figure for thinking of that name, he and his wife left on a trip and did not return.

    The dew seemed to form tears that it could not cry, it could not feel physical pain but the learned emotional hurt. For the moment he was back on those late nights chatting and the games they played, the horrible jokes that they made and laugh/groaned at them. The sound of the gates opening brought it out of that old recording.

    The site keepers ignored it more so due to it being there for so long that they just had it as a routine, both parties nodded as the figure moved out of the site. Back to a rather well kept building that was the only thing standing after the others were either torn down or crumbled away with time.

    Once more memories played as it crossed the threshold, with a half hearted fake sigh it began to get ready for the old timers that still came here. Children that once grew up around this place would have a moment where the bot will miss. At times the bot wonders was this happening now or was it reliving this memory on a starless night waiting for the sun to rise and wake it from this long moment.

    1. gregovin Avatar
      gregovin

      Nice use of a robot to get that immortal leaves everyone behind vibes. I also like how you did not state it was a bot until the very end. Good job. Robots are the best characters in fiction. This robot does not seem to fall for the trap of robots being socially awkward, which is a dumb trope. The one thing I question is what this has to do with the prompt, but I think it is fine.

      1. jesse fisher Avatar
        jesse fisher

        as the ending hinted,the day could have been just another recording and it could end with another sunrise at any moment so there is hope to make it last longer. Kinda implied the whole thing is he lives decades in the memories but it could be right until sunrise and wake to some unknown time in the future. That is my long though that could not fit in it.

  20. GJFuller Avatar
    GJFuller

    Singularity
    By Giovanna J. Fuller

    “Warning. Warning. Contact with Adephagia VII imminent,” the unpanicked voice came over the ship’s speakers, drowning out the sirens.

    “Captain Jenny!” the com was crackling. “Do you copy?”

    The woman in the blue uniform torn, stained with grease, and singed from small electrical fires sat in the cockpit staring at the sparking controls. No matter how many times she pushed buttons or slammed her fists against the console, she couldn’t respond. She was all alone in her little, silver ship, slowly being pulled like a dog on a leash.

    “Wa-wa-warning. Wa-wa-warning. Contact-.”

    “Ca-Ca-Ca- Captain Jenny! Ca-ca-ca- Cauuuuuuu.” The speaker dissolved into a low, garbled noise as it was stuck on one word.

    Captain Jenny leaned forward and switched off everything.

    All was quiet. All was still.

    Her breathing still labored from her work, she pried the metal shields open. There it was. A Christmas tree of tiny lights and a thick ring of warped space surrounding black void. No tiny dots of light to give comfort. There was nothing. All that was separating her from it was the high-temperature quartz glass. With a sense of emptiness, she fell into her chair.

    She ran her fingers through her hair, matted down from sweat, and wiped the frustrated tears that still lingered on her cheeks. Underneath the folds of blue cloth and, once, white tank top, she pulled out a small silver pocket watch about the size of a half dollar.

    Inside was, of course, a watch and, on the other half, a small picture of a man and a woman. They held a baby boy. “I’m sorry, boys,” she murmured before setting the watch on the console. She leaned forward, resting her body on the desk. With her eye on both the picture and the window, Jenny waited.

    The black void got bigger and bigger, faster and faster. Not like it was growing, but like it was eating the world around it.

    ~~~

    “Captain Jenny! Do you copy? Captain Jenny! Captain Jenny!” A man in a white button up turned his head to address his superior. “I’m afraid we’ve lost Captain Jenny.”

    1. Dukkifluff Avatar
      Dukkifluff

      This is a wonderful piece. Panic from the beginning, and slowly becoming dread, then reluctant acceptance. I’m not sure the bit at the end was necessary, though. But other than that, this really packed a punch. Well done.

      1. GJFuller Avatar
        GJFuller

        Thank you.
        I was trying to show that this entire scenario happened in the span of a few seconds from the point of view of others. Since time warps around a black hole, the whole ‘gravitational time dilation’ thing, she would be experiencing things differently than the rest. I do think I switched the science up to make it more thematically exciting. I suppose this wasn’t clear though.

    2. R J Chapman Avatar
      R J Chapman

      This is a good read. You use the intercom well and it has got a Star Trek crossed with Alien vibe. I think you missed a k out of ‘unpanicked’ (bloody English and it’s messed up spellings and rules that all contradict each other!) I also agree with Dukki in that I don’t you need the epilogue at the end. Maybe you could have ended it with her hearing the intercom one more time but I don’t think you should be taking the focus from her at this point. However, all in all, I really enjoyed this! Great job!

      1. GJFuller Avatar
        GJFuller

        Thank you so much! My spellcheck didn’t pick that up (stupid thing). I’ll fix it.
        I replied to Dukki with why I chose that ending, but if you don’t want to read it I understand. I’ll just say here that what I was trying to achieve wasn’t made clear and that’s on me.
        Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed yourself. That’s pretty much all I’m after when I write. 🙂

    3. OhioTechyDude Avatar
      OhioTechyDude

      You can feel the desperation, the total feeling of “there’s nothing anyone can do here except wait for it…” Well done.

    4. LumiKat117 Avatar
      LumiKat117

      It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who went the black hole route, even if they’re vastly different concepts based around the same prompt. I like that we can both come up with interesting ways to use the same prompt and idea and come up with different stories. I really enjoy how you describe the black hole and space but I’ll admit that it took me a few rereads to understand what you were trying to describe. But that was probably just an issue on my part. Well done!

      1. GJFuller Avatar
        GJFuller

        Thank you!
        I like try to drop hints in things like the title or describing the mechanics or what the character is seeing rather than omnisciently tell them the name of it. It’s a bit of an investigation. That way, when someone comes up with the answer (in my mind) it’s more satisfying.
        As for it being an issue your part, I assure you it wasn’t. I was purposely trying to be vague. However, sometimes I’m too vague and the meaning is lost. It’s a hard balance to make (between too “on the nose” and too ambiguous), so that’s on me.

  21. 15,000 Miles Above
    PitL

    Audio Log – September 13th, 2193
    Sophie Belot, Engineer ICSC Starlight

    We’re 15,000 miles from Edge. Less than a single jump away (audible laughter). I can honestly say that I didn’t expect this to be the way I’d die, though I haven’t given it much thought until now anyway. I assumed it’d be more… well… flashy I guess. Ya know, maybe I go down protecting the passengers against some mysterious assassins, or while keeping the slipcore from destabilizing. There’s this adventurous – mystique? Yeah, this adventurous mystique to the Fleet, even the civilian side.

    One jump away. (Light laughter.)

    The captain’s dead, I know, and Kahua too – he was the first to go. I might be the last. We came so close – so close. I believed we were gonna make it. Tight scrapes happen every once in a while, right? It’s just a fuel leak. How bad could it be? “It’ll be fine, Kahua,” I said. “we’ve been through worse than this.” I’m glad he hasn’t had to wait here to die with the rest of us. Small mercies, I suppose.

    We were so close.

    The oxygen’s starting to run really low. Any minute now the computer should be warning me – (beeping followed by more laughter) – and there it goes.

    I wish you could see the planet. I mean, It’s a recording, so I could try to describe it I guess? I’m from Mars, so I’m gonna be biased in my description – you’ll have to forgive me for that. It is really beautiful though. The sun is lined up at an angle from the planet right now, and you can see a tiny bit illuminated, and the rest is still dark – the cities and domes are still lit up. It’s striking. I don’t want to say it’s beautiful again, but it is.

    I wonder if I could spot my settlement from up here? Might be a little too small to see, but if you look up North there’s Titus, and Peake is up to the left, so if we go, if we go, go down… from…

    If we…

    There…

    END RECORDING

    1. Dukkifluff Avatar
      Dukkifluff

      I like the audio log style you took to this prompt. It fits it really well, and I almost wish I’d thought of it. It seems almost peaceful, like the character has fully accepted their fate. You did a really good job here.

    2. I love the way a sense of mystery is created, withholding some details creates suspense and a sense of familiarity between characters. The tone of the voice is well written, and the reader can tell that this is a person who is already come to terms with their fate, and is doing what little they can before the end.

    3. Thank you! I did this at like two in the morning, so any facts and editing is liable to be messed up just from that. I thought maybe if they were inside geosynchronous orbit an uncontrolled landing might not be feasible (without crashing and all), but I’m not an astrophysicist so I honestly haven’t the slightest clue. Anyway, thanks for your kind words and criticisms!

    4. William Maitland Avatar
      William Maitland

      This piece is actually super palpable! You earned every one of those likes, Pit. I never thought I’d see a sort of “found footage” story done in these streams (unless I missed an earlier one), and it’s amazing how well it worked in this final mission log. The subtle worldbuilding included in Sophie’s last recording, right down to casually mentioning that she’s from Mars… beautiful. Would LOVE to see more from this universe.

  22. ClockFacePart23 Avatar
    ClockFacePart23

    At the End
    By: ClockFace

    Not all stories have the luxury of a happy ending. I just hoped that Koming’s would somehow surprise me.

    As I held him in my arms, I tried my best not to cry. He didn’t need to see that. But the wound in his chest… I knew he was beyond repair.

    “You did it, Koming.” I said, with a slight hitch. “You stopped Fissure, you saved us from the old magic.” But I couldn’t save you.

    He looked at me with a smile. Scarcely any pain in his expression. How could he smile with such calm? How could he look so happy with a gaping hole in his chest?

    He looked away, I assumed he was trying to glimpse the remains of the battle that he had ended. Why couldn’t he just lie still?

    “Loyal, I’m sorry I… I made you and your troops come all this way,” He said through labored breaths.

    I couldn’t stop the flood of tears. Why was it never about him? “Don’t you ever say that again.” I croaked out. “You are always worth fighting for.”

    He coughed and winced. “I have to check on Fissure.” He slid out of my arms.

    “No, you can’t!”

    He got shakily to his feet but was on hands and knees in an instant.

    I ran to him and held him down. “You can’t, he betrayed you. He betrayed us all.”

    He coughed again. Holding his chest, he stood again. “He… wanted his family back. You can’t blame him for that.”

    I watched him stumble his way towards the still body of Fissure. Unwilling to stop him from reuniting with his old friend. When Koming fell over, however, I raced over calling his name.

    He was shaking. “Loyal,” he whispered when I pulled him into my lap again.
    “Loyal, you, can’t, let anyone, take it.”

    “I won’t, I promise.” I didn’t ask what It was. I didn’t want to make him suffer more.

    He looked relieved. And with one final glance at Fissure, he went limp.

    I closed his eye and kissed his forehead. “I’m sorry, Koming.”

    I’m Sorry.

    1. Dukkifluff Avatar
      Dukkifluff

      Wow this is so powerful! I was completely absorbed. The pain, the weakness, and then the worry for someone despite having a huge wound. I’m a sucker for stuff like this and you nailed it. I want to read more so badly!

    2. R J Chapman Avatar
      R J Chapman

      I really like the little thoughts you use after a piece of dialogue that Loyal can’t bring themselves to say. Also, the relationship between Koming and Fissure seems packed with history and that there is a real tragedy that has caused their deaths. Koming it seems did was necessary but clearly didn’t see his former friend as a villain. This was well done. Just one typo I noticed you might want to edit: you’ve gust instead of just when you talk about him lying still. Good job.

      1. ClockFacePart23 Avatar
        ClockFacePart23

        Thank you! I miss those sometimes! 🙂

    3. This is a deep story, and it’s very well written. Your characterization is beautifully handled, and the hints as the backstories of Fissure and Koming lead to many questions. All in all, a very good story. I would always enjoy reading more.

    4. I really loved the way you set things up, but there are a few nit picky things I wanted to point out. First, when he says ‘You are always worth fighting for’ I think it’d flow better if it were ‘You’re’, but I could be wrong, and second the ‘Sorry’ at the end feels odd to be capitalized. Otherwise, great job!

      1. R J Chapman Avatar
        R J Chapman

        Got to disagree here. The separation of syllables by not using a contraction is far more effective. This isn’t an every day situation, it’s a death-bed situation. When people are overcome with emotion, they tend to over enunciate as a way of trying to control themselves. It’s far more powerful the way it is. The capitalisation of ‘Sorry’ (although technically incorrect) I think is there to emphasise the word so I can see why it’s been done.

    5. Jarjaross Avatar
      Jarjaross

      Yes! This! 100 times this!

      People die but even if they don’t come back that does not have to be the end.

      Sorry to explain I get really annoyed at endings which are happy just for happiness sake. For instance: any heroic sacrifice which the hero comes back from. If they come back it wasn’t a sacrifice, it was bait for an emotional response that the author didn’t have the conviction to stick too.

    6. Matthew (handsome Johanson) Avatar
      Matthew (handsome Johanson)

      Oh yes, the big sad. Me like. My biggest criticism is a symptom of the word limit. I would like just a bit more detail! Why can Koming survive with a hole in his chest? Is he tough? Is he a robot? A beastling? I think you characterized your MCs well and the dialogue really works! Overall good stuff!!!!

    7. Felicia Taylor Avatar
      Felicia Taylor

      Oh, my Ancients! This is great! The dialogue is informative, emotional, and mysterious all at once! I want to know the history between Fissure and Koming SOOOO much! What is the IT that Loyal is supposed to have? What happens with Loyal now? This is full of such emotion and intrigue yet so much more can be told! Amazing!

  23. “Reassurance”
    By Madelyn

    Balthazar was used to close calls. Though, as he sat on the makeshift operating table while Avi mended the last of his wounds, Balthazar remembered that it was not so common to others.

    “Avi—” Balthazar tried to explain himself.

    “I told you to wait.” Avi finished cleaning the cut on Balthazar’s arm and moved on to the bandage.

    “And what? Let more people get hurt?”

    “This was an underground battle arena that’s been around since—” Avi made sure the bandage was secure before he threw one hand up near his face. “Ancient Rome, possibly. You could have died.”

    Balthazar rested a hand on Avi’s own. “I wish I knew what to tell you.”

    If Avi heard what Balthazar said, he did not acknowledge it, “You don’t have to risk your life like this. You have people that care about you. How would they react?”

    Balthazar’s grip tightened around Avi’s hand, but made sure he did not crush it. “I can’t promise to stop nearly dying. But I can tell you that my days of seeking death are over.”

    Avi made eye contact for a moment, but looked down. Balthazar worried that he said something wrong before Avi asked, “What are they like?”

    “Hm?”

    “Those last moments before death.”

    Balthazar took a moment to think, then gave the best answer he could. “It’s…long, I suppose. I tend to look back on my life, so that probably doesn’t help.”

    Avi considered the answer before he sat down next to Balthazar. “You better not try to teach with those wounds.”

    Balthazar chuckled as best as he could before leaning on Avi. “I’m not that dumb.”

    Avi managed a weak smile before pushing on Balthazar. “I have to finish up a few things.” He stood up and walked to the door. “No sudden movements.”

    Balthazar sat in silence after Avi left. He made a mental note to do something for Avi to make up for the scare and pushed himself off the table so he could at least find a chair comfortable enough for a nap.

    1. ClockFacePart23 Avatar
      ClockFacePart23

      Can I just say I LOVE Avi. But that’s me, his character type is my favorite. 🙂 Your writing feels so professional and well thought out. Your characters work well, and I’m glad I had the privilege of reading it. I thoroughly enjoyed your scenes and can not wait to read more!

      1. Thank you! Since most of my writing lately came from college papers, I always worry that my fiction pieces come off as stiff, even though I’ve practiced through these prompts. It’s good to see that people enjoy what I write.

    2. I really like your characters here. Balthazar is reckless, although apparently this is a much more toned-down version than his past self. And Avi is just so nice yet so headstrong. This is a really nice story, and I like it a lot.

      1. Thanks! I was tempted to write a piece showing a time when Balthazar was self-destructive, but I ultimately chose to show his willingness to move away from that mindset. As for Avi, he’s known Balthazar for a long time, so seeing him slip into old habits made him worry. I’m glad you liked this!

    3. Ooh, I really like this one! The characters of Avi and Balthazar seem to play off each other really well. I get the feeling that there’s a lot of history between them, ya know? This is really great little piece here. Great job!

      1. Thank you so much! Avi and Balthazar have actually known each other for a long time, so it’s good to know I properly showed that here. A comment I had on my previous story was how they were excellent foils for one another, so I decided to explore how that could cause some conflict.

    4. Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor) Avatar
      Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

      Man, I love these snippets into this world so very much! Each one brings something new and more to love about the characters. I love the tenderness of this. It’s quiet and intimate. I don’t know where this is headed, but I am here for the journey! Will Mr. Poe ever find Jason for his grandmother? Why does Balthazar continuously put himself in dangerous situations? What is Avi trying to achieve with the dragonling, and will his protectiveness of Jason put him harm’s way, too? Will Jason find freedom from him past?
      I adore this! Beautiful work as always.

      1. Thank you so much! The answers to some of those questions depend on what prompts arise, but I will say that Balthazar’s unfortunate habit of getting into near-death experiences stems from self-loathing he had in the past. If the next prompt allows it, I might focus on Balthazar and Jason’s dynamic since they haven’t properly interacted yet.

    5. LumiKat117 Avatar
      LumiKat117

      This is a wonderful response to the prompt, I wonder about the underground arena and why Balthazar felt like he /needed/ to go to it, to participate by the sounds of it. Also, what does he teach? I want to more about this world. Also as a bit of constructive criticism, use more than just their names to address the characters, you can tell us a little more about the characters it you are writing about with simple terms like “the taller” and “the younger”.

      1. Thank you for the advice! As for the character-centered questions, Balthazar is an English teacher when he isn’t dealing with magic. He also has an urge to help people even if he ends up hurting himself in the progress; this is what drove him to that arena.

  24. Matthew(Handsome Johanson) Avatar
    Matthew(Handsome Johanson)

    THE END OF THE WORLD
    by Matthew (Handsome Johanson)

    Life is confusing for children. They are propped into a world they don’t understand and are told to make sense of the damned thing. Your parents can only do so much in helping you learn. You have to figure out the details yourself.

    At five, I didn’t quite understand time zones. They were perplexing to me; how could two different places have entirely different times? To solve this paradox, I decided that each time zone represented a new present. Times ahead of us would be in the future and times behind us would be in the past.

    My family didn’t go on many trips except my dad who would go on long business trips. When I asked him about how it felt to cross into a new time zone, he said that he would get a bit sick if he crossed too many. I was glad that we didn’t take many trips then. If my father, a beast of a man, could get sick, what would happen to a small girl like me when I crossed the line?

    Then I learned about daylight savings time. I begged my parents to ask the government to stop the time switch. Confused, they figured I just wanted more playtime. They didn’t know I was expecting my own death.

    The night of the time switch, I bundled up into bed. I told my parents I loved them dearly and embraced my teddy bear tightly. They nonchalantly wished me sweet dreams and turned off the lights. Maybe they were unaware of the danger? Nervously, I stared at the clock and watched my impending doom approach.

    The next morning, I woke up with a start. I must’ve fallen asleep staring at the clock. Confused, I ran downstairs to find my mom. With tears running down my face, I hugged her tightly and thanked her profusely for preventing daylight savings time.

    Her loving arms embraced me as she calmed me down and explained how time actually works. I have never been more grateful to be wrong in my entire life.

    1. Dukkifluff Avatar
      Dukkifluff

      It’s so cute! This is very accurate to how a child could think of time and I love the fear that comes with that line of thought. As a kid, I had no idea about time zones, but I probably would have thought similarly to places being in the future or the past. You did a very good job!

    2. Excellent approach to the story. I’m not going to lie, you honestly had me nervous with that chapter title. This does seem like something a child would become nervous about, and it’s written like it’s being told by the child years after it happened. At least, that’s what it seems like to me.

    3. I would just like to say that I think this story is awesome. Honestly, I think most people could totally see themselves as that kid totally misinterpreting what’s going on in the world around them, probably because everyone’s had that happen to themselves at some point. This story made me laugh and was quite thoughtful. Prose was very clean and readable, and it was all-around just awesome to read. Well done!

    4. R J Chapman Avatar
      R J Chapman

      A lovely little story Matt. It weirdly reminds me of a drunken conversation I had with a friend at Uni about when the clocks go back and you could treat that hour as a do-over and in that hour do something you’ve always wanted to do (the downfall to this theory is what the hell can you do at 1am!) Anyway, I’m always impressed with how much background you’re able to squeeze into your characters in such a short space of time. Good stuff again!

    5. Teague Ricks Avatar
      Teague Ricks

      I LOVE this story! I had so many strange thoughts like this as a kid, reading this story was great. You really captured how kids think, in a funny and well written way. Good luck!

    6. So funny sad and true! Whether this a real story or not it is beautifully written with a child like innocence thats combines with the more wellspoken tone of a story teller, it says leaving a review is compulsory but I”m happy to leave one all the same. Great story!

    7. Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor) Avatar
      Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

      This is a very precious story, Matt. You take something we as adults don’t really think about and amplify it through the eyes of a child. It’s excellently executed. I do believe a lot of us relate to time zones being ahead of our own as the future and the ones behind as the past. Very sweet all around. Great writing!

    8. GJFuller Avatar
      GJFuller

      This is so cute! Not in the traditional way, but in that innocent child sort of way.
      Quick question, this might just be me, but I read that first line “They are propped into a world” as “popped into a world” at first glance. Is this what you meant? Because I don’t think you can “prop” someone into the world…
      Overall, well done!

      1. Matthew (handsome Johanson) Avatar
        Matthew (handsome Johanson)

        To prop something up means to stand it up. Thanks for the feedback!

    9. George RR Martin Avatar
      George RR Martin

      Very clever use of the title to create anticipation. Your story is well thought out. I had to read it twice to figure some things out, but it’s cute nonetheless. The one flaw I can see is that it doesn’t follow the prompt all that well, “Last moment is the longest” but I see what you tried to do.

      1. Matthew (handsome Johanson) Avatar
        Matthew (handsome Johanson)

        I thought the prompt was “the last moments” maybe it changed? I still kinds fits, but not as well. Thanks for the feedback George R.R. Martin

  25. Time to kill
    By Will

    God, the last moment is always the longest. I never really thought about what that meant. The last moment of what? Now I know.

    I’m in a bed, a hospital bed, I’m dying I think, it’s hard to tell. Tick, tock, tick, tock goes the clock, I’m breathing right? 1 breath, 2 breaths, 3 breaths, 4, breathing, I’m breathing, when was breathing so hard? This is taking a while, everything’s still bright, I’m breathing, 5, 6, 7, I suppose this is what they mean by your life flashing before your eyes, it doesn’t, your just given time to think.

    I’m thinking, I’m breathing, 8, 9, 10, I’m remembering my life, when I was young and I lived on that farm, when I went to school and the strange change between the two wildly different worlds kept the days short and me young. When I left school I took over my parents farm, after they got too old to work on it themselves of course, I hated it.

    Without school, all I had was the farm, all I had was the farm, that’s it, my entire world was summarised in such a small piece of land that I knew so well I could accurately draw out an unnecessarily detailed map of all the trees, the fields, the house and so on and so on. It was horrid, it was disorientating, the days merged into one long year, one after the other. This aged me, before I knew it I was too old to work, 11, 12, 13, I’m still breathing, how much longer will this take? I’ve come so far and achieved so little, how long until it’s all over? Tick, tick, tick, tick, the clock’s taunting me, it’s hands working harder than mine did, moving in a steady rhythm, tick, tock, tick, tock, 14, 15…16, 17, my breathing has slowed, the end draws near, the end has been drawn out just to tease me, the clock moving forward further than I ever did, 18…19…20, I’m gone.

    1. Dukkifluff Avatar
      Dukkifluff

      I like this play by play. The way the thoughts race by impatiently as the clock contradicts it by being painfully slow. The disappointment felt by the character is a heavy hitter, too, as it’s a fear many people have. Dying without accomplishing much, or anything at all. It’s a story that tells you to really make every minute count. Well done.

    2. This story almost weirded me out at first because of how the paragraphs got longer and the words seemed to pass quicker the farther you got in, but once I started I realised how brilliant it really was. I found myself pulled in in a really interesting way, like getting sucked to the bottom of the page slowly. The narration is so quick and intense it built up this sense of almost-dread that really carries the whole thing. That was really well done.

      1. Onye Okoro Avatar
        Onye Okoro

        I agree. At first I was irritated by the lack of periods to end off his observations, but midway through I realized that it was an effective method to help convey the man’s speeding thoughts.

  26. Dukkifluff Avatar
    Dukkifluff

    A Kiss Goodbye
    ~by Dukkifluff~

    (I doubt it will, but if my number comes up, I’d like to give my place to R J Chapman)

    “I don’t want you to go.” Amber sniffled.

    Leilan wiped the tears staining her wife’s cheeks, “I know, darling. But I have to.”

    Amber broke into sobs, burying her face in her hands, “Lei-lei, we haven’t even had our honeymoon yet! This isn’t fair!”

    Leilan wrapped her arms around Amber, trying her best to comfort her.

    “Please don’t cry, my love.” Leilan begged softly, her own heart breaking.

    Amber clung to the taller woman, her face hidden in Leilan’s shoulder, her tears staining the olive camouflage jacket.

    Leilan hugged her tighter. Despite her best efforts, her own tears escaped into Amber’s caramel hair.

    “I’ll write every chance I get.” Leilan promised.

    “But what if the letters stop?”

    “They won’t.”

    “But what if-”

    “They won’t.”

    Amber took a breath and nodded, “You have to come home. I won’t forgive you if you don’t.”

    A hint of a smile formed on Leilan’s face, “I know you won’t.”

    An announcement was made, calling all troops to the plane for departure.

    She kissed her wife on the forehead as she pried Amber’s fingers from her jacket. Picking up her bag and steeling her expression, she walked across the tarmac. She shuffled in line with her platoon, and was boarded within minutes. Dread filled her with every step towards her seat.

    She shoved her bag into the storage compartment, but didn’t sit. Amber’s tearful face was burned in her mind.

    “Please find your seats. We will be departing in two minutes.” A voice called through the aircraft.

    Just enough time.

    Leilan rushed up the aisle, shoving past people with an urgency she’d never felt. She practically jumped the stairs, instantly spotting her wife among the crowd.

    “Amber!” Leilan called desperately. She closed the gap fast, embracing her love and kissing her deeply. She knew she only had a minute, and she had to make it count.

    She broke the kiss after their eternity together, meeting Amber’s emerald eyes, “I’ll come back to you. I promise.”

    Amber nodded, smiling at last, “I know. I love you, Lei-lei.”

    Leilan returned the smile, “I love you too.”

    1. I felt emotional reading this story. It’s always sad to watch a loved one as they leave, and it’s painful when you don’t know if that person will ever come back. I honestly don’t know what else to say except that I hope that these two will be reunited some day.

    2. Matthew(Handsome Johanson) Avatar
      Matthew(Handsome Johanson)

      Don’t you even contemplate a sticky ending for Lei-Lei >:(
      lol this was great! The ending really hit very well and you did a really good job of characterizing the mcs. you didn’t do a lot of “this made me sad” and it really pays off lol Great job!!! good take on the prompt!

    3. It’s always nice to read something as heartwarming as this story. Your characterization is great, and so is your usage of dialogue. Amber’s nickname for her wife feels very in-character for her, and same with Leilan’s dash out of the plane for one last kiss. Again, very heartwarming. 🙂

    4. This is a beautiful piece. It captures the emotion of the subject so well, and it’s incredibly heartwarming and sad all at the same time. Writing-wise, this is one of the most solid examples of writing I’ve seen on this prompt. It’s easy to read, seems to all be grammatical and I really like the way your verbs give so much colour to the sentences they’re in – that series of sentences where you had ‘walked > shuffled > boarded’ especially. Awesome job.

    5. I loved how you wrote these characters, they really conveyed realistic emotions. I do wish I had more context, but you gave us everything we needed. Good job!

    6. gregovin Avatar
      gregovin

      Nice. I am sad for them by reading 350 words. That is very impressive. I hope she comes back. I also like how you introduce the nature of the relationship without being super abrasive. Good job with your characters. I also think having a Lesbian woman in the military presents a great opportunity for world building whatever culture she is in and showing how it is very different from ours.

    7. Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor) Avatar
      Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

      First off, you are so sweet to do that for RJ! Now. Your story. It is beautiful and heartwarming and bittersweet! No joke; I teared up while reading this. You can feel the love between Amber and Leilan. I’ve never experienced a family member going to war, but it feels like I’m there with both women.

      No complaints here. Brilliantly written! Brava! 🌹🌹

    8. R J Chapman Avatar
      R J Chapman

      Firstly Dukki, apologies that I’ve not got round to reviewing this yet. The last few weeks I’ve been trying to review as many people as I can and tried to prioritise those I haven’t reviewed before or names I don’t recognise.

      Secondly, the review. This was such a solid piece of writing. There are no nitpicks from me. My favourite line: “But what if the letters stop?” That my friend is subtext and you handled it perfectly. A poorer writer would have written “What if you don’t come back?” and an even worse writer would have written “What if you die?” not thinking that people wouldn’t say that. However, you nailed the emotion while not compromising the integrity of the character. Great use of dialogue. Great job!

      Lastly, this little comment you’ve added. Thank you. I am incredibly touched. Had it been any other story I would have told you to not be so ridiculous. However, my story isn’t really my story. It isn’t fiction. It’s a real event and it’s just what I could imagine that to be like. So I do think it’s important. So if I happen to be read out on Saturday (whether or not you are too) I will ask not to be read out for the month of February. I will continue to submit stories and crave comments and likes to satisfy my fragile ego but I will preface each with a wish not be read (I could well not even be considered anyway). I will also prioritise reviewing your coming stories first over the next few weeks. I hope that sounds like fair recompense. If there’s more I can do, let me know.

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