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118 responses to “Writing Group: Choose your prompt!”

1. 

   KenopsiaTennine

   January 3, 2020

   (Prompt: The Sky Blinked)

   Awaken by KenopsiaTennine

   The station orbited the massive blue star, in passage above a starspot. The tinted dome covering the bustling recreational area dimmed the light to a tolerable level and painted the glass sky a lovely blue, almost reminiscent of a boiling reflection of the sky of Earth to the humans who remembered it.

   A lone engineer taking her break to enjoy the carefully manicured and contained patch of nature in the dome laid in the grass, watching the dark spot hanging overhead, tracing the little flares around it with her eyes and searching for patterns. She closed her eyes.

   The markets bustled around the lying human, aliens and humans mingling and exchanging stories, thoughts, goods. Some, the newer recruits, looked up at the starspot anxiously, unused to the sudden apparent void overhead. Some had those around them notice and were teased good-naturedly. It didn’t take long for that to stop as those gazing up at the spot froze in terror.

   A small, perfectly circular red dot appeared in the center of the spot as they watched, expanding and turning into a ring, thinning as it went, encircling a true void that drew the eye in and refused to release one’s attention. It contracted into the red dot and dilated back into the ring again, everyone in the dome stricken suddenly with the horrifying, overwhelming feeling of being watched. Those who hadn’t been watching the sky turned to it, the dome going silent. The movement repeated, and a pattern of flares erupted from around the starspot.

   The engineer opened her eyes to see for the last time.

   Reply
   1. 

      Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

      January 3, 2020

      This is an ominous, mysterious piece. The way you crafted the story and built it up is well done.

      The only thing I saw out of place is the word “notice” is in present tense in the 3rd paragraph.

      You did an amazing job crafting this, and makes me want to know more behind the mystery!

      Reply
   2. 

      elisabethwise

      January 3, 2020

      Wow, this is super interesting!! I love the world you’ve set up here, very reminiscent of lots of post-Earth-explosion tropes in science fiction, and in a good way! I hope this is a universe you are working on, as I’d love to see more of it. My only real criticism is in the first sentence of the second paragraph “A lone engineer…”. These groups of participle phrases need something to modify, whether it’s an action that the engineer is doing, or a description of the marketplace, or whatever. Without some kind of infinitive or base verb, the sentence holds a lot of unnecessary tension and feels as though it’s dangling.

      Other than that, this is an incredibly solid piece! I’m glad to see some peaceful human-alien interaction, that’s something we don’t see often and deserves to be highlighted more. I wonder how long it’s been since this space station has left the Earth, and how far away they are from it? Or does the Earth still exist at this point in time? Whatever the case may be, I don’t think it’s all that important now, since it seems as though the star they’re orbiting has exploded (unless I’m reading wrong). This is super cool!!! Great job!!!!!

      Reply
2. 

   Gam

   January 2, 2020

   (Prompt: Where have all the stars gone?)

   Zyvrinria, The Nine Furies
   By Gam

   With all his might he rose to his feet, his back screaming from the pain, his legs nearly falling out from under him. Yet he held to his staff and gazed outward.

   Before him, where once stood a bazaar of colored and patterned clothes, tents taller than a goliath, and the excitement of children rushing to prepare for the Jubilee of Sachin, only burning tarps, a cracked ground, and cries of pain remained. The sky, once filled with a bright autumn lavender, now lay black, like the curtain of night had been ripped across the sky but the stars had been forgotten.

   In the center of this pre-necropolis, a beast larger than any he had ever seen stalked about, so large that it seemed to cast a shadow over all ten thousand souls that once filled the grove.

   The miscreation skulked across the landscape on four long legs seeming to probe the land for any life left for it to snuff out until it found the corpse of a what used to be a young man. The lanky fingers, like giant spider legs, rose the body up to a massive serpentine head, which sported eyes like blazing flames speckled with gold, filled with curiosity as it inspected the body with those spindly fingers before callously tearing it apart with blade like teeth.

   At this sight, he could not hold back a shriek, and as it met the invisible ears of this being, out of the shadows of smoke and ash, eighteen of those emblazoned eyes fixed upon him. Eight more twisting necks revealed themselves in the light of the fires, the smoke rushing away, as if it too was frightened. Each neck was accompanied by face like a crocodilian hound and a malignant gaze erupted from each pair of eyes as the being moved with a swiftness and serenity of a sparrow towards him. The light of the flames danced across its pelt, revealing a rippling sea of blue and green sapphires. A sight so beautiful that it seemed like a divine joke that it’s owner could create such hideous destruction.

   Reply
   1. 

      Brick

      January 2, 2020

      This creature sounds horrifying. Something about its graceful, arachnid movements make the terror even worse, yet I’m absolutely fascinated.

      I like the aura of darkness here; the black, smoke-filled sky is a perfect, walled-in background to this scene scene of pain and loss. Something terrible happened here, and we don’t know what it has to do with this unearthly creature. But I *want* to. I hope I get to see more in this world!

      Reply
      1. 

         gam

         January 2, 2020

         Thank you! The piece is actually a snip of a memory a character gets to look into (it’s the memory of one of their ancestors), but without the previous part of the prose you wouldn’t ever know. It’s from a world I’ve been working on for a while (currently untitled, but it’s working title is “The Land of The Rainbow Sun”) and I definitely intend to use these upcoming prompts to fuel my creative juices for the world.

         Reply
   2. 

      Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

      January 2, 2020

      This is packed with description, and it’s maliciously wonderful! I would NOT want to meet this being in broad daylight let alone beneath a black sky! How did you come up with this?

      The only critique I have is that the form of it’s is incorrect. It should say its.

      This a frightening story with great dread and imagery! Amazing job!

      Reply
      1. 

         gam

         January 3, 2020

         Thanks, I wouldn’t have noticed the “It’s” if you hadn’t said anything. Also, thank you for the compliments! I worked hard on coming up with heavily descriptive language.

         Zyvrinria (the creature described) is a nine headed dragon from a period of history in the setting when dragons ruled the world. I came up with the descriptions of her by taking her personality and history and reflecting it in her appearance. She’s destructive and cruel, demonstrated by the destruction, and nonchalant eating of someone, but also highly curious. Think evil Nazi medical scientist, so I really tried to communicate something truly terrifying. Something that evokes that eldritch horror.

         Reply
         1. 

            Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

            January 3, 2020

            You absolutely succeeded! Her curiosity is there in subtle ways, and that works beautifully to offset her blatant, terrifying destruction. Excellent piece!

            Reply
3. 

   MasaCur

   January 2, 2020

   Prompt: The Lengthening Night

   A Holiday Feast

   by MasaCur

   Knock, knock.

   Joshua cupped his hands, raised them to his mouth and blew into them, hunching his shoulders against the cold. He heard steps approaching from inside, and the door swung open.

   “Hello?” The man at the door was fat and balding, looked to be nearing fifty.

   Joshua lowered his hands, and pulled the tablet from beneath his arm. “Hello, sir. I’m collecting money on behalf of…”

   “Sorry pal,” the man replied. “With Christmas coming up, money’s a little tight right now.”

   Joshua nodded, and looked vaguely up at the sky. “Sure is getting dark earlier and earlier nowadays. I don’t suppose I could come in.” He hunched his shoulders up a little more, giving a shiver.

   The man looked back into his house. “I…sorry, pal. Not tonight.”

   Joshua returned a weak smile and nodded. “Have a good night, sir. Happy holidays.”

   He trudged onto the next house, and repeated the process. Knock, knock.

   “Hold on a second!” came the voice from inside the house, young and female from the sounds of it.

   Joshua rocked on his heels, waiting for the door to open.

   The door swung open, revealing a girl in a tight sweater, her blonde hair capped with a red Santa hat. She looked like she was twenty-five or so. “Oh, I thought you were one of my guests.”

   “Sorry. I’m actually collecting for the food bank, what with the holidays coming up, and all.” Joshua hugged himself, and stamped his feet. “Sure is cold out. And the nights are so long.”

   “I know what you mean,” the girl replied. “What time does the sun go down nowadays? Like, five?”

   Joshua nodded. “There abouts. I know it sounds like an imposition, but could I step inside?”

   The girl nodded. “Oh, yeah. Sure. Let me see what I have to give.” She turned back to the inside of the house. “I’ll be right back.”

   Joshua grinned as he stepped in the door, his long canines glistening with hunger. As the warmth met him, he could smell the blood rushing through her arteries. Time to feed.

   Reply
   1. 

      Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

      January 2, 2020

      This is a suspenseful morsel. The nervousness of the man makes me feel like he knew about the guy. The poor woman. I like how he keeps mentioning the early darkness.

      The only thing I see that needs fixing is a closed quotation on the last bit of dialogue.

      A great story. A little black humor with the lengthening night, as well. Awesome job!

      Reply
      1. 

         MasaCur

         January 2, 2020

         Thank you for the review. And thanks for the catch on my not closing the last quote. I really need to maybe have someone else do a once over before publishing, but I was in a bit of a hurry I guess.

         Reply
         1. 

            Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

            January 2, 2020

            That’s ok. It’s a great story! If you want to edit it, there’s an edit button to the right of the reply button at the bottom of your post. Refreshing the page helps to see it.

            Reply
   2. 

      Darkening Sun/ P.C.Jones

      January 2, 2020

      Nice riff on the whole vampires need to be invited in thing. Only big problem I noticed is that the door opened twice at the start.You would be better off with “He heard steps approaching from inside and then the door swung open” good work otherwise.

      Reply
      1. 

         MsaaCur

         January 2, 2020

         Thanks for the review. As I said before, I really should have had a proof read done before posting, that’s on me. I really appreciate the feedback.

         Reply
   3. 

      gam

      January 2, 2020

      Well, now, I wanna say I didn’t see it coming, but my bad neighborhood senses were tingling. Yet, I really have to give props to you.

      For starters, Joshua’s demeanor is communicated very clearly in the few lines that he has. Friendly, unoffensive, and kind. Yet, the references to the coldness of the weather and the sun going down early lately leave a hint of discomfort. It’s like the whole of an estranged relative, but for seemingly no reason. Sure they seem very nice, and their home is very friendly, but there is a tension surrounding the estrangement, and only until you enter the home and come face to face does reality set in.

      It feels like that to me. It’s a very sinister thing you’d got here. I don’t think I can offer much effective criticism but if I was going to I’d say that I would love to hear more of Joshua’s inner thoughts in further additions, but this prose already would make a wonderful opening to a short story around Joshua, the holly jolly Vampire.

      Reply
      1. 

         MasaCur

         January 2, 2020

         Thanks for the review. I had the idea of a vampire using the longer nights of winter to prolong his hunting sessions, combined with using the cold as an excuse to be invited in for a while now. Iit was fun to finally write it.

         Reply
   4. 

      Simon D. Field

      January 3, 2020

      Aye, I haven’t seen the ending coming, props for that. From the story name I’ve half expected something upbeat and wholesome, and it turned out to be nicely dark. The concept is actually viable and bloody sensible (do forgive the terrible pun).
      Joshua seemes to still be adjusting to the prey’s behavior. After all, if an older lad’s denied you charity money and doesn’t seem like the type to play a Good Samaritan at his holiday’s expense, it’d make little sense to try and come in.

      He’s quite reckless, too. His glee is very premature. After all, he was thought to be *one* of the guests. Feeding might turn complicated.

      But that’s character’s faults, not writer’s. And it’s written neatly. Good job, mate.

      Reply
      1. 

         MasaCur

         January 3, 2020

         Or….or, maybe incoming guests means more people to feed on. Seems like something Joshua might do.

         Thanks for the review.

         Reply
   5. 

      MasaCur

      January 3, 2020

      Note: I have finaly found the edit button, and made changes suggested to me by others. Thanks everyone.

      Reply
4. 

   Simon D. Field

   January 2, 2020

   (Prompt: A Kindness)

   Pro Patria Mori by Simon D. Field

   The air was humid and stagnant. It smelled of lime chloride and death. Henry was gassed with the sulfur mustard, as were many other soldiers in the dugout, and the aid stations were overwhelmed. He wanted to end the suffering the gas burns inflicted before, and a friend brought him a revolver for that. Now it became bearable, and the six gun was hidden under the pillow.

   The dugout was silent, save for the wheezes and wet coughs of the wounded. After the cacophony of a never-ending battle the relative quiet was welcome and cherished as bread made from nettle and sawdust in times of famine.

   Then greenish-yellow air crept inside lazily, and with it came the terror. Those who could get up did so, and the rest begged for help. Their cries were left unanswered, for when a mortal fear overwhelms a man, he thinks not of the others.

   Henry’s legs were burnt, so he reached for the revolver. The steel pressed against his inflamed palm. He looked around and saw terror and begging in the eyes of prostrate men. Henry sat on his cot and felt murky yellowish pus trickle down his side, dampening the sheet; the raw flesh grinded on the rough material, and Henry bit on his lip.

   Then he stood up and bit through it. Blood trickled down his chin. Henry raised the gun and looked at a man whose feet were black and dying. The man nodded, and the bullet threw his head back.

   A young soldier with eyes cloudy and ulcerated from the gas thrashed in panic. Henry shot him and four more men, then stumbled in pain and pressed a hand against the wall, feeling lightheaded. His legs bent, and he fell into the rising green sea that smelled of hay. He inhaled sharply, but couldn’t breathe and tried to pull himself up, fear of drowning overpowering injuries, but could not. Pus from the broken blisters stained his body as Henry struggled to pry his throat open and breathe.

   Then the pain inside arose, searing and indescribable, and Henry’s world grew dim.

   Reply
   1. 

      MasaCur

      January 2, 2020

      I’ve read horror stories about how mustard gas would affect soldiers in the Great War, and I think you nailed this. Your story was excruciating to read, but in a good way. I really feel for Henry and the other soldiers.
      I really enjoyed the descriptive language used in your story as well. Passages such as “the raw flesh grinded on the rough material” made me internally cringe as I subconsciously empathize with the sensation.

      Reply
      1. 

         Simon D. Field

         January 3, 2020

         Thanks, mate. The stories, though, quite often emphasize the blisters and whatnot. That’s actually erroneous. The blisters are unsightly, but ultimataly fine. The fun starts when one such blister is disturbed, because if exposes raw patches which are extremely sensitive. Accounts tell that gas cases were very bad, and pain was often unbearable for them, and they often could not be touched and instead were laid under a tent of blankets, and oil was used to disturb the contact with air.
         Naturally, no luck for poor lads ‘ere. Alas, the wounded are numerous, and the doctors are not.

         Reply
   2. 

      Brick

      January 2, 2020

      Your descriptions are so detailed! I felt visceral fear and pain alongside the characters, had to look away for a moment to calm my stomach at the mention of festering wounds and sickness. There’s just such an aura of despair. My heart hurts for these soldiers, and I can’t help but feel a bit of relief as the MC mercifully shoots those suffering. I can only hope that his own death is also fairly quick and painless.
      Very well done!

      Reply
      1. 

         Simon D. Field

         January 3, 2020

         Aye, thanks. If you have to look away from the imagery and feel the despair, that means I’m still doing a good job.
         This act of noble kindness from that Henry lad was a great sudden idea, I’m excessively glad I’ve employed it.
         Also I do hate to break it to ya, but no, his death is not quick and painless. Aye, it’s rather speedy, but:
         1. He’s suffocating. That means he’s pretty much overwhelmed with primal fear. Fear of suffocation is really damn inherent in humans. Also it makes him try to tear open his throat. Joy.
         2. He was already gassed with yprite. Now yprite’s not really meant to suffocate, it’s a vesicant, but it does disturb the trachea. I’ve read some autopsy reports, and they insist the following:
         2.1. Lungs are somewhat filled with liquid already
         2.2. There are sometimes painful ulcers in the trachea. Oh, and they also can bleed.
         2.3. Outer layer of the trachea dies and sloughs off. For that reason the trachea appears red and glistening in the Atlas of Gas Poisoning, for example. It makes chlorine (which does interact with water readily) a painful experience with some unique localisation.
         So ’twas quick, but not quite painless. Alas, such is war.

         Reply
5. 

   IrishPixie

   January 1, 2020

   (A Kindness)
   “Wanderers” by IrishPixie

   I opened the window and felt the wind brush my face. The town below lay quiet and asleep. The night wasn’t completely clear, but nonetheless, the stars seemed brighter than they had in ages. They called to me, whispering of change and compassion. I turned to my companion. “You ready?” I asked with a smile. Violet shifted the straps of her backpack and nodded. “All set!” Her smile was nervous, but shared the same, trembling hope as my own. She came up to the window sill and took my hand.

   This was it. For so long we’d been shuffled from home to home, each time hoping things would be different: that a family would accept us despite our otherworldly quirks. For so long I’d isolated myself in shadows, and punished myself for existing by shutting others out for fear of being hurt. And then she came along. She barrelled into my life like a ball of sunshine that wouldn’t go away. Where I saw nothing, she saw a brother. Where she saw a hopeless drifter, I saw someone that I could help. We needed each other. I wasn’t about to let her be sent off to some other orphanage in vain hope. We both knew no one would accept us as we were.

   Now we stood on the precipice of leaving it all behind. We’d wander the world together, using our powers to get by and explore what the future could hold. We were the only family we would ever find in this place. Perhaps, we’d find others like us out there who needed a family too… One thing was certain: I was done with the pain and regret. if I couldn’t live down my mistakes, I would live up for them instead. Violet’s kindness had shown me a new path. I grinned at her, moonlight dancing in our vision. “Let’s go!”

   We jumped! We plummeted, down, down to the earth. The wind rushed to meet us and we laughed. We shouted our joy to the sky. We were alive. We were free, at last.

   Reply
   1. 

      Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

      January 2, 2020

      This a great tale! You can feel the bond and love between them. It felt a little like Peter Pan. It seems like they’re only starting their adventures together. I hope there’s more to this.

      The only criticism I have for this is the colon used in the second paragraph would work better as a semicolon or comma.

      It’s a beautiful story of togetherness and loyalty. Brava!

      Reply
      1. 

         IrishPixie

         January 2, 2020

         Thank you so much! You’re right in that this is part of a much bigger story. This is part of the backstory for these two characters, of what I hope to make into an animated show one day. 🙂

         Reply
   2. 

      Jason Smith

      January 2, 2020

      I love how optimistic and hopeful your story is, it feels like the beginning of a grand adventure and the two characters you conjured up work so well in the context of the narrative. The way you write and the characters left me wanting more of the story. I think this would make a great opening to a story. Excellent job!

      Reply
      1. 

         IrishPixie

         January 2, 2020

         Thank you! That’s just the feeling I was going for. 😀 While this isn’t the opening for a story, it is part of the backstory for these two of a story I’ve been working on. I hope to turn it into a show one day- or release it in some form or another once it’s done. ^u^

         Reply
   3. 

      elisabethwise

      January 3, 2020

      Awww, this is so precious!! I love the combination of soft, sweet found family love mixed with low fantasy elements. There’s something about the veneer of fantastical imagery over a story that objectifies it, makes it easier for the audience to relate to. Stories of being outcasts and finding a family together have always had a soft spot in my heart, and this one is no different. Whether the things that ostracize us are grounded in reality or are supernatural in nature, we all deserve love and hope. Beautiful work!!!!

      Reply
6. 

   Jason Smith

   January 1, 2020

   (Prompt: The Lengthening Night)

   Expanding Darkness by Jason Smith

   The dark midnight sky eclipsed her vision. She looked up to try and find some stars but they were long gone. The moon hung in the vast darkness, slightly glimmering; it was on its last breath, barely holding on, trying not to fade away. Daylight had long since abandoned her world; the sun was something people only dreamt of now. She looked up at the same time every day to try and find a glimmer of hope, hoping to find some kind of light in the expanding darkness and never-ending night.

   Her uncle found her outside looking deep into the starless sky.

   “Still looking for light aren’t ya?” She didn’t respond, not knowing what to say because she knew people looked at her funny, even her uncle because she still was expecting to find some light in the night.

   “No reason to feel shame Darling. Every now and then I look up hoping too. I think everyone does, but you are the only one who admits to it.”

   “Is it so wrong to hope?” She looked at her uncle pleading with her eyes, wanting him to give her some glimmer of hope.

   “Well, no…and yes.” he sighed as he said this, almost like he had let himself down. “The night is all we have now. Soon we won’t even have that.” Tears began streaming down his face. He knew that Darling would never grow old, would never truly experience life. He still cursed his sister and his brother-in-law for agreeing to have a child amidst the darkness and hopelessness.

   “Don’t cry, Uncle.” She embraced her uncle and began to weep with him. They hugged and cried throughout the eternal night. Eventually, the light behind the moon crept away into infinity leaving Darling and her uncle embracing in the lengthening night.

   Reply
   1. 

      IrishPixie

      January 1, 2020

      Some sentences could be a little smoother, but otherwise, this is very well done! You do a great job of immersing your audience into the despairing atmosphere and creating empathy between them and the characters’ grief. You give just enough information about the world for us to know what’s going on and feel for the characters. It also leaves enough information out for us to ask questions: Is this an apocalypse for our world? Is this a fictional place? What caused all the light to disappear? Very good balance of information and emotion.

      Reply
   2. 

      Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

      January 2, 2020

      I agree with IrishPixie. This is a somber, frightening short. I feel sad for these characters. I want to know more about the girl and if there’s any way for them to get out of the darkness. You did a great job setting this world up and bringing a good personality to both characters. Awesome job!

      Reply
   3. 

      Brick

      January 2, 2020

      Ohhh, this is heartbreaking. Hopeless situations like this hurt to read, in the best way. It’s so hard to deal with a reality you can’t do anything to change. And with something so critical as the light and warmth of the sun itself . . . I can only think it’s unbearably depressing.

      I think it’s a really interesting choice that you used Darling and Uncle in place of specific names for these characters. It gives the impression that they could be anyone, and that’s really powerful. It could be *my* family experiencing this, and that makes it all the sadder.

      Reply
   4. 

      Simon D. Field

      January 3, 2020

      Ah. So there’s absolutely no hope. Good. I like it when there’s no hope.
      It does somewhat hurt the story to assume that the stars and especially the Sun are gone, but the Moon, which does not shine but only reflects the light, is still up and running.
      In the first paragraph “never-ending night” could use a definite article, I reckon. When Uncle addresses Darling, there should be a comma. In paragraph 5 there also should be a comma before “pleading”.
      In the next one sister and brother-in-law “agreeing” to have a child does not sound quite alright to me. Perhaps it’s erroneous, but I feel that it implies them both just relenting to an outside proposal. Now, if they instead “decided to” or “agreed UPON” having a child, that’d be alright.
      Once again, it’s written neatly, and it punches into the gut nicely. Good job, laddie.

      Reply
7. 

   Blameless

   December 31, 2019

   (Prompt: A Kindness)

   Cash City
   by Austin

   Cash City had always been a cruel place. The stench of oil and plasma mingled with body odor and the sharp tang of chemicals moved from place to place. Thick smog clung to the city, specifically the first and second levels of the tower, leaving a thick yellowish, orangeish, reddish substance on the buildings and the ground, like the tacky substance left behind after one peeled away tape. The sounds of gunshots were only drowned out by the thrumming base of the various clubs and the whining drone of heavily armed mechs bearing the tags of whichever gang they were part of. Brokers moved through the densely packed city streets, their white clothes and blank white masks standing out against the dark streets, and catching the neon in such ways that they almost appeared to be wearing cloth of ever shifting colors. If they hadn’t stopped in the streetlights to post information on the poles, Davison would have believed that. Such things were possible within the City of Opportunity. Davison always scoffed when he heard Cash City referred to as such. In Cash City, there was opportunity, yes, but one was much more likely to get caught in the middle of a gang shootout or taken by the scientists that lurked in the shadows, their presence only marked by the green eyes of their robots, their gears grinding quietly in the shadows, or eaten by the raptors that roamed the city, the pack hunting dinosaurs darting from alley to alley. Cash City was a cruel place, to human, mutant, dinosaur, and robot. All were allowed. None were welcome. Cash City was a den of monsters. But at the moment, Davison rested. And that peace was enough, for now.

   Reply
   1. 

      Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

      December 31, 2019

      There is a gangster undertone to this. I love that Davidson grabs peace when he can given the hectic nature of the city. You gotta tell me how dinosaurs play into everything. How were they revived?

      The only 2 criticisms I have are to separate the piece into chunks, like paragraphs, so that it’s easier to read; and “mutant” is misspelled at the end.

      It’s a great story. Is there more to it? Awesome work!

      Reply
      1. 

         Blameless

         January 1, 2020

         There is more, yeah. This was just a setting practice piece. On my screen it shows that mutant was spelled correctly, but my edit may not have gone through. It was misspelled at first though.

         As for the formatting, that’s on me. I usually try to do that, but this was just a practice piece that I didn’t really plan on sharing at first, so I didn’t format it properly.

         Thank you for your feedback! I always appreciated it.

         Reply
   2. 

      Brick

      January 2, 2020

      Your answer to the prompt is unlike any I’ve seen! If I interpreted right, the *kindness* here is actually in the city itself — a moment of respite from an obviously stress-filled life. Nice!

      Quick shout-out for your word choice “yellowish, orangeish, reddish.” I love that. It really goes along with the gross, thick feeling I’m getting from the fog.

      I love all the details here for the inhabitants of the city. It feels very cyberpunk, and dinosaurs are always a plus! If you’ve seen any YouTube videos by Dead Sound, I imagined everything in that aesthetic.

      The big block is interesting because it lends to everything feeling more like a tour, or a series of establishing shots in quick flashes. It can be harder to keep track of my place in the paragraph because of the lack of breaks, though, so this might be a case of weighing the value vs the lower readability.

      Overall, a very fun piece! I enjoyed this breakneck tour of Cash City, and imagining how I would cope with life in such a place.

      Reply
8. 

   Aaron Bridgeman

   December 30, 2019

   (Prompt: The sky blinked)

   Gone Was Our Sky
   by Aaron Bridgeman

   The sky blinked. One moment it was a deep indigo, splashes of orange and crimson across the horizon and cotton candy clouds drifting by. The next, nothing. A swirling maw devoid of stars, the moon, the sun, anything suggesting that it was our sky. I began to scream, but that was a mistake: there was no air. My final breath escaped my lungs in silent agony, with neither word nor sound; a pitiful whisper that could not be heard and that no one cared to hear. My vision blurred, my eyes in agony as the moisture in them began to tear itself away into the vacuum. The heat of my body forsook me as well, my skin shining like diamonds as it froze, as a burning cold sent daggers through every inch of my being.
   I fell to the ground, unable to move. My vison blackened. I knew that I was dead.

   “Find me,” she called out.

   With a crash, I found myself on the ground. I lay there, dazed staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of my surroundings. I sat up, recognizing the familiar shape of my desk in the corner. It was my room! I had only been dreaming. With a sigh of relief I stood, breathing deeply, savoring the cool night air drifting in from my open window. I turned to peer out the window: The moon glowing softly amongst a bed of stars. I shuddered, remembering the awful nothingness from my dream.
   I grabbed my phone off the nightstand to check the time and froze.

   The date was a week before it should have been.

   Reply
   1. 

      Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

      December 30, 2019

      This is a haunting one. It’s cryptic and spine tingling. The hopeless atmosphere brings it together. The premonition is a great touch that’s heightened by the mystery of who “she” is and why it’s so important to find her. My only criticism is the way the last sentence is worded. It’s a bit confusing. A stellar story, all the same!

      Reply
   2. 

      Jason Smith

      January 2, 2020

      I like the mystery that is set up here. The foreboding dream, the mystery girl, and the mystery of what is exactly happening are all very intriguing. The opening paragraph is also wonderfully written. The descriptions you use are all incredibly vivid and it paints a surreal and ominous picture. Wonderful job!

      Reply
   3. 

      Simon D. Field

      January 3, 2020

      The nightmarish vision is executed with good craftsmanship. It operates somewhat unrealistically (what with the lack of air being apparent only when one’s trying to say or scream something, for example), but it doesn’t have to be realistic.
      The last sentence is a tad ambiguous. I mean, one could read it as time being rewinded back a week or advanced a week. If that’s done on purpose, that’s an exceptional move. Nice job, lad
      Oh, and the mystery of a woman that’s to be found. Perchance you’ve meant the moon ‘ere. Don’t know, but you’ve sort of highlighted the moon later. If I’m right ’bout this one, that is, too, an exceptional move.

      Reply
9. 

   UrbanBismuth

   December 30, 2019

   (prompt: The forest will change you)
   The mechanical and the botanical.

   By Urbanbismuth.

   Leaves cracked, mosses were crushed and ferns were brushed aside as the little robot entered the forest. A Place of green not grey, and were metal rusts and corrodes. A place a little robot should not be.

   Rumours of rare metal and strange materials led the little robot to the forest. Things that are worth collecting or crafting for the fabricator models. Sometimes little oddities were worth a lot to other robots.

   Trouble came. “Bsod it, low on power”. And turning around the forest looked the same everywhere. Lost. Who would’ve thought a robot could be lost. Not all robots were lucky enough to have a GPS, and there was not a single robot that could navigate with sun, stars and moon.

   Low power. Lost in a maze of rusty-brown and green. Could a machine despair? This one thought so. Enter sleep mode, delay the inevitable.

   Inside the sleeping robot roots would grow and spores germinate. Attaching, Interfacing. A Rhizo-circuit not to rust but to conduct. The robot began to charge. Powered by a botanical photovoltaic cell.

   The robot woke. That is if a robot could wake up. What is this? A tangle of roots gave power and a film of green protected against rust. And there was more. “Hello, we do not want to create rust. Let us guide you”.

   And so a little robot emerged from the forest changed. No longer wholly mechanical.

   Reply
   1. 

      Urbanbismuth

      December 30, 2019

      This is my first time doing one of these so feedback is appreciated.

      Reply
   2. 

      Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

      December 30, 2019

      This is a fun read. The robot’s explorative nature is earnest and sweet. There’s nothing dubious about it.

      Critiques: Paragraph 1: a place of green, not gray
      And where metal rusts

      Paragraph 3:the period should be inside of the quotation marks. And turning around, the forest
      Who would’ve thought a robot could be lost?

      Paragraph 5: Inside the robot, roots would grow

      Paragraph 6: That is, if a robot could wake up.
      A tangle of roots gave power, and a film
      “Hello. We do not want to create rust. Let us guide you.”

      The blending of mechanical and natural elements is great. You feel for the robot and root it on. Great job!

      Side note: To edit, refresh the page and look to the right of the reply button at the bottom of your post.

      Reply
      1. 

         R J Chapman

         January 1, 2020

         Aside from the SPaG issues (which Felicia has already commented on) this was an interesting tale. It had a Pinocchio/Wall-E feel to it. I liked the idea that nature can heal the mechanical. So often technology is considered the antithesis of nature but here it treats it almost like a lost child, which is an interesting viewpoint.

         Reply
10. 

    Darkening Sun

    December 30, 2019

    Prompt: The Forest Will Change You

    Forest Of The Unweaver
    By Darkening Sun (P.C.Jones)

    The forest will change you it had long been said. Yet here he found himself wandering beneath its melancholic boughs. The voices of unseen speakers sounded all around him, wind-swept and frost-cold to his spine. Mutterings of secrets taken to the burial mound, of regrets lingering even in death. Such things as give rise to the shades of men who long to live again.

    He felt a cloying almost suffocating despair upon him that was not his own. It belonged to the withered trees, the air, the soil and the stagnant souls that dwelt here. How long had he wandered? How had he even come here? To the forest of the Unweaver, where no living thing dared to walk. For to walk these woods was to risk unraveling your own fate.

    He remembered the fire-lit tales his tribe told of the Old World. A tale of a powerful Mage named Balforius who had lost his young daughter. In his immense grief he used the forbidden Wild Magics to return her from the Fade. He had summoned a powerful Wraith Lord who made a pact with Balforius to free his daughter from death. Unknown to Balforius his own fate would be the trade. His daughter would pick up the threads of it’s unraveling.

    And so poor Balforius was cursed never to see his daughter again, cursed to walk alone and undying his fate unwoven. The curse of the Unweaver, as it had come to be known, had spread throughout the forest he had hidden away in. Until it too had become cursed, a place where the Wraith World met the Living World.

    Barukai could sense even now an ancient madness seeping from its darkest depths. More tortured than evil, foreboding yet pitiful but it was sadness above all else that emanated from that place. It took immense will for him not to succumb and be consumed by madness. To not wander off into the trees, as so many had, his own fate unwoven. This forest could change you that much was certain.

    Reply
    1. 

       Darkening Sun/ P.C.Jones

       December 30, 2019

       And so poor Balforius was cursed never to see his daughter again, cursed to walk alone and undying his fate unwoven.I noticed to late that I made a mess of this sentence this is how it was meant to play out.

       Reply
    2. 

       Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

       December 30, 2019

       This is really good! I’m so sad for Balforius and his daughter! He was grieving, and he wanted her back. Is there any more to this? This is a good world to get lost in. It’s cruel, strict, and melancholy. Great story!

       On a side note, you can edit it if you refresh the page. The edit button will be to the right of the reply button.

       Reply
       1. 

          Darkening Sun/ P.C.Jones

          December 30, 2019

          Thank you I am glad you like it.Yes there is alot more I am trying to write it all into a novel. And thank you also for making me aware I can edit this post. I read your entry as well and really liked it, it reminds somewhat of my own world. A kind of intermingling of a primal tribal setting with a medieval one.

          Reply
11. 

    Domtron

    December 30, 2019

    (Prompt: The Harvest)

    The Scarecrow by Domtron

    Mark Cowl pulled up into the driveway of the Adam’s to check up on the matriarch Margret. he got out of his car smelling the cool autumn air. “Mrs Adam?” He calls out before hearing a familiar southern voice. “I’m over here Mr Cowl by the scarecrow!”

    Cowl followed the sound of the voice before meeting the kind old woman picking up food for the harvest “working hard? Or hardly working” Cowl chuckles as Margret giggles sweetly “working hard just like my Bobby” Margret responds as her eyes met the scarecrow. Cowl looks at the scarecrow seeing it was wearing Bobby’s clothes “interesting scarecrow you have there Margret, aren’t those Bobby’s clothes?” Cowl inquires as he inspects the scarecrow closely.
    “well Bobby likes wearing his blue button up and black pants”

    The doctor was taken aback by Margret’s response. “You named the scarecrow after your late husband?” Cowl questions. “Why that IS my husband Mr Cowl” Margret’s eyes opened wide as a smile grew on her face almost as if she was excited. Cowl was in disbelief that Margret would be in this huge state of denial “Margret…” he was lost for words as he tries to collect his thoughts “…not to be mean but you know that Bobby’s dead, I know you’re having a rough time right now but-“
    “Oh no Mr Cowl I’m not having a bad time at all, Bobby has been helping me with the harvest, speaking of which let me get you some food I picked out so you can take home”

    The old woman smiles before walking to her house. Cowl was alone with the scarecrow unsure what to think about the way Margret is going through this grief if she’s even going through with it. He inspects the scarecrow closely wanting to know more about it. He felt as if it was looking at him, staring at him. Cowl’s heart stops as saw a face behind a scarecrow mask, a decaying face that was probably a few weeks old, the same time Bobby has been dead.

    Reply
    1. 

       Brick

       January 2, 2020

       Ooooh, this is creepy and kind of gross. Excellent! The whole story is pervaded by this distinct *discomfort,* which is made even sharper thanks to Margaret’s playful tone.

       A couple quick notes —
       You switch tenses a few times throughout the story. I think it could work well with past or present, so just pick whichever you prefer if you make a revision 🙂
       The dialogue is also a little tricky to pick out. As long as you make sure you’re breaking every time a different character talks, that should resolve almost all of that.

       Other than those things, this is a fantastic story! Scarecrows are inherently kind of spooky, and you found a great way of dialing that up. I can only imagine the horror as the sight — and *smell* hit the MC. It makes me shudder.
       Great take on this prompt!

       Reply
12. 

    Alexander

    December 30, 2019

    (Prompt: Where have all the stars gone?)

    You (Don’t) Matter
    By Alexander (BrokenEarth)

    Space was empty when you understood it. Looking at it from the ground, with a child’s sense of wonder, made it seem so full, with hardly a blank space to be found.

    Separated from everything I knew and loved, I contemplated my situation. There was no hope for me, that much was obvious, and that alone forced me to fight back tears.

    Tears were worthless in times like this.

    When I looked at the night sky, I used to imagine myself among the stars, knowing each by name, but when I got here, and I saw constellations like Hercules and Corona Borealis closer than most people ever would, I did’t feel the wonder I did as a child.

    My whole life I had been looking up, learning everything I could about this realm I held sacred, but what changed? I used to love the sky and the stars, but now they held little more significance to me than grains of sand at the beach.

    The stars were a part of me, without them I wouldn’t be myself. I could remember all the times I wished for Santa to bring me a telescope, and the joy I felt when I finally got one. I spent countless hours looking through it, but now…

    What now?

    What happened to the star-struck child?

    It felt as though the stars had abandoned me. Here I was, dying, and the space I had poured my life into gave me one fact:

    I was alone. The stars I poured my life into weren’t the ones I saw now. The stars of my youth were like magic, and these were hot balls of science.

    No, the stars of my youth were gone. Maybe one day I’ll find them again.

    Maybe they’re waiting for me.

    Reply
    1. 

       Alexander

       December 30, 2019

       Just a note; this is meant to parody another story I wrote here on tale foundry called ‘You Matter’ where he ended up feeling connected to the universe, and I wanted to take the same idea in a different direction.

       Reply
    2. 

       Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

       December 30, 2019

       This is a gut punch. If this is a parody, I’m afraid to read your serious stuff. It’s terribly sad when views of the world change because of experiences. It goes from enchanted to sad realization to confusion and anger to hope. Basically, it’s an emotional rollercoaster. Beautiful straightforward piece. Bravo.

       Reply
    3. 

       Darkening Sun/ P.C.Jones

       December 30, 2019

       I like the themes you invoke here. The lost wonder of youth and the melancholia of lifes twilight. At first I thought I needed to know how your protagonist was dying but that really doesn’t seem important in the end. And though he is dying the final line gives me the sense that even now he still holds hope he will see the stars anew even after death. The only complaint I can think of is that one line seemed to allude to your character being in space perhaps. “Separated from everything I knew and loved, I contemplated my situation” was the sentence to which I refer. How is he/she seperated? Is the character in space? If he/she is in space it needs to be made clearer. When I look at the night sky should have been looked at the night sky. Other than those two things great job.

       Reply
       1. 

          Alexander

          December 30, 2019

          Yeah, I should’ve caught that when I was editing it, and I forgot that others might need to be explicitly told that he was in space, since it was so clear to me. I also showed it to some of my siblings and they didn’t catch these mistakes either, so good on you for seeing that.

          Reply
13. 

    Matthew

    December 29, 2019

    (Prompt:A kindness)

    The Skeletons Among Us, by Matthew (Handsome Johanson)

    “Alright, settle down everyone! Settle down!” The knocking of a gavel is heard as the chattering in the room comes to an end. Seventeen armored skeletons sit patiently as the head coordinator prepares his notes. This had been the fifth meeting this month.

    “Ahem. Good evening everyone!” The posh accent of Lord Barnaby, head coordinator of the council of peeved skeletons, breaks the silence.

    “As you are all aware, we have been having a problem with break ins recently.” Angry rattles fill the room as Barnaby continues.

    “Three times in the past month, we have had some would-be adventurer break into our dungeon, attack us, and steal our valuables!” Barnaby pauses and waits for the room to calm down. Leopold, an archer, complains about his enchanted bow being stolen while Henry, a guardsman, points to his mouth completely devoid of teeth. Barnaby continues.

    “But no longer shall we fret! We have devised a plan to prevent further unwanted incursions into our lair. We will teach the flesh-bags morality by stealing from them and showing their hypocrisy to their face!” Murmurs permeate the crowd as the council sets up a vote.

    Having passed the resolution, the skeletons make their way to the nearest town, Wayford. Suspecting there are valuable trade goods within the village, the skeletons dispatch a disguised spy to find any loot. Upon entering the village, a guard notices the undercover operator.

    “Hey! A-are you a skeleton?” The guard semi-confidently belts out.

    “Nope! I’m just a fleshy boy with a fleshy body. No bones here!” The nervous spy quickly looks away and tries to back into an alley way.

    “Wait!” says the guard. “I have something to ask you!” He chases the skeleton into the alley. Unable to retreat, the skeleton turns to face his pursuer.

    “Sorry, what is it?” If a skeleton’s voice could crack, this skeleton’s voice would be cracking.

    “We stopped a band of thieves carrying loot from the direction of your cave.” The guard explained, out of breath. “ I was wondering if the confiscated goods belonged to you and your community?”

    Reply
    1. 

       Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

       December 30, 2019

       Matthew, I laughed all the way through this! It is incredibly funny and sweet. I wish I knew the skeleton’s reply. It has a Monty Python air about it.

       The only critiques I have are put a period behind “Ahem” and put a comma after “skeletons” in the second paragraph. In the fourth paragraph, Henry points to his “mouth”. In paragraph five, “We will teach the flesh-bags morality *by* stealing from them.” Aside from that, it’s really good.

       It’s a lighthearted piece, and it’s great to see the guard taking time to ask about the pilfered goods rather than attacking the skeleton right away.

       Reply
       1. 

          Matthew (handsome Johanson)

          December 30, 2019

          Thanks <3 I cant believe i missed the editorial stuff xD i really had the blinders on lol

          Reply
    2. 

       Alexander

       December 30, 2019

       I had a good chuckle here, and it really is a good show of your range as a writer- most things I see here from you are these thought-provoking and deep stories, but it’s great to see something funny!

       Reply
       1. 

          Matthew

          December 30, 2019

          It was out of my comfort zone for sure lol. Glad it made you laugh 🙂

          Reply
    3. 

       Darkening Sun/ P.C.Jones

       December 30, 2019

       Why are skeletons always presumed evil what if some skeletons just want to kick back and be left alone. I enjoyed your rendition of skeletons good work. I would point out the errors but I think Felicia covered those adequately enough already. Nice work on the off centre use of the prompt, it called to mind Terry Pratchett.

       Reply
    4. 

       Aaron Bridgeman

       December 30, 2019

       This story is great! I really like the reversal at the end, it totally changed the way I was looking at the story and I think it was very well executed. If I could make one suggestion though, I would re-word this: The guard semi-confidently belts out. Belt as a word usually implies confidence, so I would see if you could find a better word. Other than that and some other minor editorial stuff that others have mentioned this is a very well written piece.

       Reply
    5. 

       MasaCur

       January 2, 2020

       This was really an entertaining story. I have to admit, only now have I been curious as to the monsters’ side of the story when all those dungeon raiding adventurers take all the treasure. But this was very well done.
       I was a little thrown off by the use of present tense in the composition, it’s not something I’m used to, although you managed to remain consistent throughout.

       Reply
    6. 

       Simon D. Field

       January 3, 2020

       Well, Matt mate, it’s rare to see something written by you in quite a lighthearted and unrealistic fashion. There’s one missed error, I reckon. It should be “backed down into the alley” not “backed into the alley”. Ain’t sure if that’s an error alright, but even if it ain’t, it still doesn’t sound good.
       Also take a look at paragraph 6. “Upon entering the village, a guard notices the undercover operator.”. It reads as if a guard enters the village and notices the skeleton spy, evidently milling about. Now, if ’twas something like “Upon entering the village the undercover operator was noticed by a guard”, that’d be better.
       Everything else fine, mate. I’ve had a bloody jolly time reading it. Gotta respect what I can’t emulate.

       Reply
14. 

    Twangyflame0

    December 29, 2019

    Prompt: Swarming Hive
    Title: Harmony
    By: Twangyflame0

    The whispers, always wallowing in their weeping ways. They slink and slack back there. He hates how much they silently howl. All he wants, all he needs, all he desires, all he craves, all he seeks, all there is, is silence. There is no one there. He is just sitting at home, in his upstairs office, writing his music. His awful music. Terrible music. He’s a terrible writer. Terrible conductor. Horrible. Awful. Unorig-

    No. It’s fine. The music is fine. Look at how the beat flutters, like butterflies in the wind. The harmony of flutes and strings will work beautifully with the bassier instruments. It’s fine. Except for that tiny splotch of ink there. And there. And there and there and there and-

    Get up. Time to get up. You’ve been sitting in this dark room with only a single candle to illuminate yourself. What are you even doing here? Wasting your time it seems like. All that paper could have been used for something more useful, probably. You’re such a selfish brat. Worthless, spineless, useless sack of-

    Hey, come on don’t listen to all that nonsense. You’re great and you know it. Though I have to say you got to live better than this. Maybe if you just let me do all of your planning and you work for the company, you can have all the hope you want. You just need to sign here. And here. And here and here and-

    It’s tiring. You can’t keep this up forever. No person should live like this, you know that right? We can help you. You won’t need to worry about anything anymore. We’ll take care of it all. No. We aren’t like the rest of them. For we truly know what you want. We can see the magnum opus in your heart. Just let us have control. Yes. Like that. Let us turn your discordant heart into something the whole world will be forced to listen to and enjoy. Just rest. We are here now.

    Reply
    1. 

       Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

       December 30, 2019

       You’re good at weaving a foreboding tale. The protagonist struggles between keeping his identity and sanity and wanting to be a part of something more. Something greater. I like how the other entity cajoles and coaxes him a little bit at a time. It speaks to him almost like he’s a child in need of gentle guidance and constant reassurance.

       The word “just” is overused. Try using words like “only”, “simply” or similar words that convey that the entity is treating this as something benign or not a big deal. You can even leave it out of sentences in some places. Also, in the beginning, the way he longs for silence is too repetitive. You’re trying to show his desperation for silence. That’s fine. Try something like, “All he wants is silence. A solitary moment of peace. How hard is that to obtain?” Something that shows how stressed he is while also leading into the next sentence.

       It’s a good story that could be a set up the beginning of the end to humanity. Lovely dread and inescapable conclusion.

       Reply
    2. 

       Alexander

       December 30, 2019

       This feels like a good fit for the prompt you chose, it also was interesting, not in a bad way, how for the first half it’s talking about him, and the second it’s talking to him, almost as if the hive (if that is the narrator) was talking to itself about him, but then we see that the hive (again if that’s the narrator) is almost influenced by him, or echos his self-hate thoughts.

       Or, alternatively, this was narrated by the ‘hive’ that is his mind, with so many thoughts popping in and snuffing out, a person’s mind is often a hive with only a few chances to direct it.

       Reply
    3. 

       gam

       January 2, 2020

       I really appreciate how much in this is left up to interpretation. On one hand, it sounds like a madman having a conversation with himself, on the other hand, it sounds like encroaching demons twisting someone’s mind in order to gain control.

       The way you write the first and second paragraph really digs into the self deprecation that artists often battle. Everyone has small moments of doubt, but the way all the small jabs on the narrator build up, almost like a “swarm”, really connects to the feeling of the prompt and reinforces the tone of the prose.

       10/10 would read again (and did)

       Reply
    4. 

       Simon D. Field

       January 3, 2020

       Ah, mate, that’s a nice one. I greatly enjoy how the voices employ radically different assessments of the main character in rapid sequence. It’s like breaking metal under cyclic load application.
       Also using the specific verb “forced” in the last paragraph is amazingly foreboding. Think of it: not just “compelled” or “drawn”, but instead positively “forced”. This is exceptionally written, lad, keep on.

       Reply
15. 

    Madelyn

    December 29, 2019

    (Prompt: A Kindness)

    Before the Party
    By Madelyn

    Jason realized that his preexisting anxiety doubled when he left his glasses behind. There was no telling if someone was genuine or plotting to kill him. As he and Avi approached the house, Jason struggled to not scratch his neck.

    “You’re sure this guy has what we need?” Jason asked for the third time that evening. His worry was now stretched between the gathering itself and Avi’s patience with answering the same question multiple times.

    “If anyone knows where Balthazar could be, it’s him.” Avi acted patient, but he also did not emote. This did not help Jason.

    “And I couldn’t bring my glasses because of…the thing?”

    “The ‘no magic’ rule? Yes. It’s just to ensure that no human accidentally discovers its existence.”

    Jason stopped walking, prompting Avi to stop to see what was wrong. Jason barely heard himself say, “What if I screw this up?”

    Avi tested a hand on Jason’s shoulder and only committed when Jason did not object. “Once we get the information, we’ll leave as soon as possible.” When Jason’s hand shot up to his neck, Avi pulled out a coin from his jacket and held it up for Jason to see. “I don’t know if this will work for you, but just try to focus on this while we’re in there.” He let go of Jason’s shoulder and handed the coin to him.

    Though Jason could still feel the dropping sensation in his stomach, he managed to smile and lower the hand from his neck. “That’s more than my parents ever did.”

    Jason and Avi resumed walking while Jason tested the coin between his thumb and index finger. There was honesty in Jason’s statement. It was first time someone other than Balthazar showed him kindness when he was at the mercy of anxious thoughts.

    Reply
    1. 

       Twangyflame0

       December 29, 2019

       I love how you can feel that there is a weirder magical world outside this story. This sets up a lot of good story beats if this was in the middle of a story and is also just a very wholesome moment between the two characters. Though I would suggest putting spacing between your paragraphs because the formatting here makes it look a bit wonky. Otherwise, very well done.

       Reply
       1. 

          Madelyn

          December 29, 2019

          Thank you for the input! I’ll make sure to pay closer attention to the paragraphs literal looks in the next prompt. Your comments on the story’s content mean that I got the desired effect. Since it’s part of an unwritten segment in a story I’m working on, I was worried that it would not come off as a solid moment. It’s good to know that I had little to worry about.

          Reply
          1. 

             Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

             December 30, 2019

             To edit, refresh the page and look to the right of the reply button at the bottom of your post. I hope this helps!

             Reply
             1. 

                Madelyn

                December 30, 2019

                Thank you for the tip. I just now edited it for an easier reading experience for others and I can already see the visual improvement of this submission. I also changed the grammatical error you pointed out before while I remembered it, so that should not be an issue anymore.

                Reply
    2. 

       Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

       December 29, 2019

       Right from the first sentence, I identify with Jason. His anxious gestures and insecurities hit home really hard for me. Whatever his parents did to make him feel that way is awful. He needs all of the hugs. Avi’s patience is much needed, especially when Jason starts doubting himself. Their friendship is wonderful and genuine. The only criticism I have is changing “either than Balthazar” to “other than”. The way you write and the world you have definitely leaves the reader wanting more!

       Reply
       1. 

          Madelyn

          December 29, 2019

          Thank you so much! I deal with anxiety as well, so it’s good to know I wrote it in a way that still relates to the readers. I do plan on showcasing this world as much as I can in these prompts, so I hope that I keep this streak up.

          Reply
16. 

    Michael Cain

    December 29, 2019

    (Where Have All the Stars Gone?)

    Starlet By Michael Cain

    Angeline walked toward the ballroom, head up, tits out, movie star smile in place. Always look like you’re having the time of your life, her manager used to tell her. 



    Yet Mortimer Carol had been dead for twenty years… only a few short years after her own career on the silver screen had dried up.



    But Angeline had been nominated for best actress seven times (without winning, a dubious honor at most) and one of those movies had been infamous as well as lauded.



    So here she was, an honoree at the huge— though un-televised—Governor’s Banquet, looking better than any 62 year old woman had a right to. It had taken weeks to shed enough weight, to get her skinned tightened and to get polished enough she was sure to stun.



    She couldn’t wait to see their faces… Susan, and Julia, and Kate, and the other Cate. Younger Men like Brad and George and Tom would drool.



    There was some traffic heading into the ballroom, some unrecognizably young nobodies, so she waited a few beats for them to clear before she proceeded. Always make the most of an entrance Mortimer had insisted.



    A thrill zinged through her, up her spine, making her heart thump like she was thirty again…



    And then she stopped, staring haughtily into the throng milling around the room. She peered from one end of the ballroom to the next, searching for a familiar, “above the title” face.



    Nothing. There wasn’t a real live movie idol in sight. Not one.



    Disappointment smothered Angeline like a blanket. All that time and effort… wasted.



    With a fatalistic shake of her head she turned and sashayed back down the red carpet, past the solitary, bored looking paparazzi. He blinked at her, confused. 



    “Where are you going, Ms Walker?” Asked a woman in an Armani suit, an earpiece in her left ear.



    In and Out Burger, Angeline thought, but said: “Where have all the stars gone?”

    Reply
    1. 

       Madelyn

       December 29, 2019

       I never would have thought about this kind of spin. When I gave myself some time to think about it, my mind hooked on the idea of this story focusing on the theme of the “old” (so to speak) fades away, though that might not have been your intention here. You did a great job of showing how Angeline got her hopes up only to have those hopes shattered. This was a pretty solid piece overall.

       Reply
    2. 

       Twangyflame0

       December 29, 2019

       I really like this story. I, personally, am not interested in the pomp and circumstances of Hollywood actors, but I’ve always wanted to know what it would like to have a life like that. This story tickles that small fancy of mine and I thank you for that. Also, that last line was very well done.

       Reply
    3. 

       Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

       December 29, 2019

       I really like this. It’s sad but with a hint of ironic comedy. I feel bad for Angeline. Being on top and in the limelight is addictive. It’s devastating and deflating when that’s no longer the case. A deep-rooted tragedy for stars. I’m not sure you can use “tits” here. Lol. “Chest out” would be more appropriate, I think. Also, when you’re mentioning the list of other ladies, either use “and” or the commas to separate the names. You don’t need both. Overall, it’s really good and gives a peek behind that Hollywood veil of glamour and stardom. It’s funny at the end that she decides to get a burger. Great story!

       Reply
    4. 

       UrbanBismuth

       December 30, 2019

       I liked your spin on the meaning of a star in the prompt. It felt very original and “outside the box”. The fact the narrator was dead and reminiscing on her career felt sad. The second half then turned the story a little whimsical.

       Reply
       1. 

          Michael Cain

          December 31, 2019

          Thanks a lot. But Angeline isn’t dead, just disappointed.

          Reply
    5. 

       R J Chapman

       January 1, 2020

       This is a really interesting take on this prompt. It’s sad in a sense – she’s become a nobody just like everyone else there – but at the same time a little celebratory as she still has standards. Her red carpet walk is a bit of a microcosm of the pursuit of celebrity and her rejection of it (or acceptance that she no longer is one) is actually quite humbling. I liked this.

       Reply
17. 

    R J Chapman

    December 29, 2019

    (Prompt: The Forest Will Change You)

    Chrysalis by R J Chapman

    He knelt in the undergrowth, waiting for the latest bout of nausea to pass. Slowing his breathing, he tried to ignore the rising convulsions shuddering through his abdomen. His attempts were in vain.

    Later, he woke amongst the ferns and moss, for a moment feeling almost comfortable. The sun peered through the sentinels of beech and oak, resurrecting the dead forest floor with memories of life. From a nearby plant a chrysalis swayed delicately, dancing in the breeze.

    The compression in his skull quickly shattered that serenity. With both hands he desperately clawed at his head, as if he could pry it open in an attempt to release the pressure. Upon lowering his hands, he discovered each contained a fistful of hair, and he began to whimper. Cleansing tears refused to come, his body denying him any to waste on self-pity.

    Lacking neither the strength nor the resolve to get up, he consigned himself to the forest and cursed the Earth. His body would rot, nothing more than yet another effigy in this mausoleum of a world. He barely felt the prick of the needle as it pierced the first vein he could find.

    As he waited for the morphine to take effect, he stared once more at the chrysalis and an overwhelming urge to crush it surged through him. He reached for it…

    The streaming beams of light suddenly glowed brighter through the canopy. Shielding his eyes, he squinted at swarms of sparks glittering in the sunlight to the rhythm of a mystery melody. Then he began to hear it. The song swooped and chirped and bounced from to tree to tree in a chorus of defiance. The chrysalis opened; a perfectly formed butterfly emerged, stretching its black and orange wings for the first time. It seemed to look at him just for a moment, almost in recognition, before fluttering in and out of the sunbeams until eventually it drifted out of sight altogether.

    Smiling, his heavy eyes began to succumb to his exhaustion. Ghosts of play and laughter echoed through the forest as he peacefully slipped away.

    Reply
    1. 

       R J Chapman

       December 29, 2019

       Apologies for resubmitting this one. Not going to have much time this week to write a new one and with so many prompts to choose from I wouldn’t know where to begin. So thought ‘sod it’ and try again (definition of madness etc). I look forward to writing something new in 2020!

       Reply
    2. 

       Michael Cain

       December 29, 2019

       Very pretty details, horrific feelings and images of your POV character. The whimper he gives when his hands come from his head full of his own hair was especially moving. Love that it was all truly just one scene, and the character’s end was the end of the story. Very well done.

       Reply
       1. 

          R J Chapman

          January 1, 2020

          Thank you Michael. I don’t know how clear it was in the story that he was dying from radiation poisoning anyway so his suicide is just to end his prolonged suffering. Hopefully the sickness and hair loss was the giveaway though.

          Reply
    3. 

       Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

       December 29, 2019

       This is an absolutely heartwrenching story! I love the detail and descriptive words you chose. It puts the reader right in the moment with the protagonist. It’s brilliant! This is all showing, and it is highly effective. The way you manage to convey thoughts without dialogue is astounding. There’s a high tension throughout the entire thing, and the ending slams into you. It’s tragically beautiful. I was honestly hoping that he lived. Great story!

       Reply
       1. 

          R J Chapman

          January 1, 2020

          Interesting that you should say that Felicia because originally the plan was for him to wake up completely healed in a world reborn. It would have been up to the reader to decide if that is literally what had happened, whether it was a morphine induced illusion or whether he had passed on and was now at peace in a Heaven of sorts. I ran out of words (I wanted to spend more time on the butterfly too) so tried to give him some sort of peace after his epiphany even though he dies.

          Thank you for the wonderful feedback, it is most appreciated!

          Reply
    4. 

       Urbanbismuth

       December 30, 2019

       The death thoughts of the narrator is not soemthing I expected. I felt everything was very descriptive, more than what I actually expected. I liked the inclusion of Beech and Oak since it helps describe the look of the canopy.

       Reply
       1. 

          R J Chapman

          January 1, 2020

          Thank you for your review. Yeah the description may have been a little overboard if the story was any longer. I couldn’t read (let alone write) an entire chapter written like this but hopefully in only 350 words I just about got away with it.

          Reply
18. 

    Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

    December 29, 2019

    Prompt: The Forest Will Change You

    A Song from Beyond by feliciataylor_91

    Piercing wails disrupt the frigid, perpetual night.

    The Dead Forest on the outskirts of a seemingly unremarkable village shimmers and reverberates with eerie chanting.

    Inside of the small hut, a paltry fire chases away the chill, but it cannot quell the shocked silence and fear that intermingle.

    “A healthy delivery,” the old woman announces solemnly, her head bowed as she wraps the babe in a thin blanket.

    “But the child is-is,” the plump midwife quavers. The cold wind stops her words.

    A large man fills the doorway, a dull gleam cast on his armor by the firelight. White, dingy fur covers his shoulder plates, and one side of his face is covered in a tattered, stained cerulean cloth. Dark brown curls obscure his ears. Scars of unknown distinction crisscross his opposite cheek and distract initially from his grim expression.

    “I will take the child.” His low rumble frightens the three women, the child’s mother clutching her squalling newborn against her chest.

    The chanting intensifies to a shrill pitch.

    The midwife holds the struggling mother down as the old woman hands the gurgling baby to the man. The man’s pale eyes glow an iridescent orange as the youngling coos happily amid the mother’s anguished cries. The mother pleads to keep her child, but the call of the forest’s spell is much too strong.

    Resignation and the mother’s screams follow their departure.

    The star-dappled sky stretches to the end of the horizon, mesmerizing blues and purples dancing within the vastness. The crunch of snow beneath his worn boots and his labored breaths lead him to where he’s been many times before. He huddles the babe closer.

    One moment blurs into the next until they reach the forest’s edge.

    The chanting quiets as he places the squirming bundle at the base of a mangled tree, patting the blanketed head.

    “May they be kinder to you than they were to me, little one. Give them reason to fear.”

    Keyholder Ryadel, those within whisper.

    The tundra rumbles as a shadow looms. A gnarled hand pulls the curious infant into the depths.

    “Prepare yourselves,” Ryadel warns.

    Reply
    1. 

       Margaret Couplet

       December 29, 2019

       This is creepy and it’s great. I like the fact that you’ve got what looks like opposite sides of the human life cycle showing kinship in this and the fact that voices within don’t have quotes around them is a good way to other the forest. And I like the fact that you can’t tell who he’s warning at the end though the “cryptically” is a bit on the nose, I think you could remove it and people would still get the idea.

       Reply
       1. 

          Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

          December 30, 2019

          Understood. Thank you for your feedback!

          Reply
    2. 

       Alexander

       December 30, 2019

       I’m bothered by the fact that I don’t get to see the entire story of this young child, it’d make a really good fantasy series. My only small concern was that I had to remind myself where the chanting was coming from when it gained the shrill pitch. Probably my own fault, but it seems so inconsequential that I’m not certain how many people actually took note.

       Reply
    3. 

       Darkening Sun/ P.C.Jones

       December 30, 2019

       I did not review this originally as I thought it was so good I didn’t need to. But on second thought and as thanks to it’s authors generous review of my own entry I will say something. I loved it the imagery you create jumps off the page. Your use of description and dialouge is top notch and I would love to read a novel of yours if you wrote one or are indeed writing one.

       Reply
    4. 

       Matthew

       December 30, 2019

       This was awesome and well done!! 🙂 I really like the atmosphere you set up in this piece. It felt like the dark opening scene for a horror flick
       For constructive criticisms, I just have minor things. Things to think about. words like “nondescript” and “indeterminate” are a bit of a missed opportunity and can sometimes clash with the word palette of the rest of the piece. For example “The rain falls down in a humdrum town” Sounds and feels better than “The rain falls down in a nondescript town”
       Not that your particular word choice is definitely wrong of course 🙂 This is just something to keep in mind for later drafts. You kinda just have to use your opinion lol

       Great job!!

       Reply
       1. 

          Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

          December 31, 2019

          Thank you for your feedback. It isn’t that the village doesn’t have excitement; it’s simply that the village isn’t distinguishable from another with similar characteristics except because of the forest.

          As far as indiscriminate goes, that was the best word I could use at the time to describe how time blurred without exceeding the word count. If you have suggestions that would be stronger or fit the tone better, I’d gladly appreciate it.

          Reply
          1. 

             Matthew

             January 1, 2020

             Could be “after some time, they reach the end of the forest.” or “Some time later, they reach the end of the forest” or “the time fades away as they find themselves at the end of the forest.”

             Reply
             1. 

                Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

                January 2, 2020

                How about.”an undetermined time later”? Or “One moment blurs into the next until they reach the forest’s edge”?

                Reply
                1. 

                   Matthew

                   January 2, 2020

                   I like that! and I do understand your original choices 🙂 Just to reiterate, you did very well!!

                   Reply
    5. 

       R J Chapman

       January 1, 2020

       I really liked the mood you are setting here. The ritual surrendering of the newborn does feel like this is a commonplace in this world. The descriptive language is great. It’s a shame you didn’t have time to linger on any character for a bit longer (e.g. the mother, the midwife, Ryadel, even the baby itself) just so the reader can have an emotional attachment. The ending’s creepy but I think had you skipped the whole birth and just focused on the journey to the forest it would have had more of an impact had you seen him caring for the child (feeding it, keeping it warm etc) and then he gives him to these creatures it’s a gut-punch. 350 words are not a lot to play with though. Nevertheless, if I was a TV producer and read your story as a cold-open to a script, you’d be getting a series commissioned on that alone!

       Reply
       1. 

          Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

          January 2, 2020

          Thank you! I fully intend to flesh this out. If it helps, he *does* huddle the baby closer to keep it warm.

          Reply
    6. 

       Simon D. Field

       January 3, 2020

       Aye, the piece is solid, suitably creepy and well-executed.
       Although, as Matt said, the word “nondescript” regarding the village looks a tad out of place. What I would probably do is just remove “nondescript”. That’d be “A village” then. Indefinite article. Reckon that corresponds with the characteristics of being bereft of unique traits that you’re goin’ ‘ere for neatly.
       Anyway, the ritual feeling is excessively neat, and the ending is suitably unhappy if virtually begging for elaboration impossible to provide in 350 words.
       Written well. Congratulations.

       Reply
       1. 

          Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

          January 3, 2020

          Thank you for the feedback! It’s much appreciated. How about “unremarkable” or “ordinary”? I intend to flesh it out a lot more.

          Reply
19. 

    Brick

    December 29, 2019

    (Prompt: The Forest Will Change You)

    So You Want to Join the Network — Now What?
    by Brickosaur

    Congratulations on your decision to join the Network! We’re so happy for you. We’re sure you’re curious about your night in Albino Forest and life online. This is designed to answer your questions and make you happy.

    In a few nights, you’ll take a special train to the Forest. It’s easy to spot — just look for the all-white plants! You’ll be sleeping there, inside one of our specially-designed Venus pods. Find an open one without any red, and step inside. That’s it — the pod will do the rest! It’ll give you a nice hug to keep you secure all night.

    Once you’ve been enveloped by the pod, you’ll feel little pricks — just like getting shots. Be happy! The pod is doing its job.

    First it’ll give you a mixture to help you sleep.
    Then, throughout the night, it’ll release pollen full of millions of Nano-Interfacers. As you breathe them in, they’ll make their way to your brain and anchor to its cells. The Nanos will bond to your neurons, enabling you to communicate with the Network. When you wake up, you’ll be one of us!

    That’s it! After you leave Albino Forest, another train will bring you to us! We’ll help you begin your new life in the Network, and all will be so happy.

    We’re sure you’ve noticed many grown-ups don’t talk much, and you might be worried that’ll happen to you. In the Network, we can communicate fastest with just our minds. So we just do that! As you get used to speaking this way, you may find yourself losing language. It’s perfectly all right! Thanks to our gift, we no longer need to rely on slow, primitive voices.

    You may have also seen how happy all of us are. It’s another gift! The Nano-Interfacers stimulate our brains just perfect, so that we’re always happy and content, whatever we’re doing.
    Everyone’s always satisfied in the Network.

    We just know you’re going to love your new life on the other side. We’re all happy you’re joining the fold, and you’re going to be so happy, too!

    So

    Very

    Happy

    🙂

    Reply
    1. 

       Brick

       December 29, 2019

       I’m hoping for feedback on this piece, specifically on the format, word choice, and ways to improve. Allll the constructive criticism, please!

       Reply
    2. 

       Luna Lover (Felicia Taylor)

       December 29, 2019

       Brick, this is creepy. I love it! It screams Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Although, the approach is very straightforward. That may make it hard for more people to assimilate. It’s well written and engaging, but you overuse the word “just”. Perhaps use “only” in spots. For example: “In the Network, we can communicate fastest using only our minds.” This tightens the structure. Also try to minimize the use of just. It’s a funny word like “very” that can be easy to substitute for other words. Beyond this and a few comma errors, it’s a great story. It sounds like an advertisement straight out of a brochure! Beautifully executed. Please keep writing!

       Reply
    3. 

       Michael Cain

       December 29, 2019

       Fun bit of pod/Matrix ad copy. Really does make joining up sound wonderful. Who needs language or real feelings or even free will? Just join up like everyone else and be hap-hap-happy! Love the infomercial style instructions and attention to detail you threw in. No red, just white. Makes me wonder what happens if there’s red. Nice little open loop there.

       Reply
    4. 

       Madelyn

       December 29, 2019

       I loved this spin on the prompt. A lot of people seemed to lean more on a fantasy aspect on this prompt, myself included. The sci-fi approach was a breath of fresh air I didn’t know I needed. It appears that you went for an instructional video approach to the delivery, so maybe if you ended on an obvious slogan it would have solidified that effect? Let me know if I interpreted the delivery incorrectly.

       Reply
       1. 

          Brick

          December 29, 2019

          The slogan is such a good idea, and I think it’s the button this thing needs! You got it — this is meant to read like a corporate welcome letter or video. Thanks for the suggestion!

          Reply
    5. 

       Matthew

       December 30, 2019

       I love the concept behind this one!! Classic utopia feel 🙂
       Now for constructive criticisms: I think it would be beneficial to describe what it is that is giving the instructions. You say in the first paragraph “This is designed to answer your questions and make you happy” Maybe you could add specifics to this sentence to help visualize the medium in the mind of the reader.

       My only other gripe is the fact you didn’t have “Albino Forest” in its definitive form. My brain prefers “the Albino Forest” I would even accept the indefinite form “An Albino Forest” but I can’t take too many points away. I could see a company trade marking “Albino Forest” and not use an article before the name.

       Great stuff!! 🙂

       Reply
    6. 

       Aaron Bridgeman

       December 30, 2019

       This is very well written, I really enjoyed it! The sinister details, such as including the bit about red in some of the pods. The way the narrator/speaker is talking is very unnerving, the weird sales pitch fits with the vibe of the story well. There are a few sentences that don’t quite make sense, but otherwise a very solid piece.

       Reply
    7. 

       IrishPixie

       January 1, 2020

       Very well written! I like how you balanced a naturally cheery tone and the more, unsettling feeling from what this… letter? Is saying will happen to you. It almost feels like this could be one of those note’s at the start of a horror video game or, and then you spend the rest of the game putting all the pieces together of the events hinted at from the start. The happy tone is just the right amount of too-happy-to-be-real to make the reader unsure of how to feel when reading this. Should we feel happy too? Is it natural to feel nervous about the decision you’ve made to join “The Network”? Etc. Good job!

       Reply