Writing Group: Fish out of Water (PRIVATE)

Hello, all you dried-out aquatic specimens!

This week we’re doing what we can to push things out of their element. Let the comfort zones be breached, let the weaknesses come to the fore, and let all the glassy-eyed fish gasp desperately for a breath of water, because…

This week’s writing group prompt is:

 

Fish out of Water

 

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

 

 

What a terrible blessing this prompt is.

If you’re not familiar, “fish out of water” is an idiom that just means “something out of its element”. A fish may be a perfectly competent creature in the depths, but plop it onto dry land and in an instant it’s flopping and wriggling and working it’s jaw like a mailbox door. 

Not the picture of comfort, is it?

A lot of otherwise natural-as-can-be things begin to look this way if you put them into the right (read: wrong) context.

A maxed out, epic adventurer wearing a small armory’s worth of gear begins to look pretty silly at the DMV. A master con artist could probably be made to squirm at a psychic convention. A shut-in Reddit debate savant might just run out of things to say when an attractive stranger glances at them in the coffee shop.

The easiest word to describe all of this?

Awkward. Followed up closely by lost or misplaced. 

Of course, there are endless directions you could take this thing, and I hope you’ll surprise us. But a word of caution if you have a tender cringe reflex:

Get ready to read some painfully goofy shit.

Good luck! And happy gasping.

 

 

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

Tune into the stream this Friday at 7:00pm CST to see if you made the cut!

The whole purpose of this is to show off the creativity of the community, while also helping each other to become better writers. Lean into that spirit, and get ready to help each other improve their confidence in their writing, as well as their skill with their craft!

 

Rules and Guidelines

We read at least six stories during each stream, three of which come from the public post, and three of which come from the much smaller private post. Submissions are randomly selected by a bot, but likes on your post will improve your chances of selection, so be sure to share your submission on social media!

  1. Text and Formatting

    1. English only.
    2. Prose only, no poetry or lyrics.
    3. Use proper spelling, grammar, and syntax.
    4. Your piece must be between 250-350 words (you can use this website to see your wordcount).
    5. Include a submission title and an author name (doesn’t have to be your real name). Do not include any additional symbols or flourishes in this part of your submission. Format them exactly as you see in this example, or your submission may not be eligible: Example Submission.
    6. No additional text styling (such as italics or bold text). Do not use asterisks, hyphens, or any other symbol to indicate whether text should be bold, italic, or styled in any other way. CAPS are okay, though.
  2. What to Submit

    1. Keep submissions “safe-for-work”; be sparing with sexuality, violence, and profanity.
    2. Try to focus on making your submission a single meaningful moment rather than an entire story.
    3. Write something brand new (no re-submitting past entries or pieces written for other purposes
    4. No fan fiction whatsoever. Take inspiration from whatever you’d like, but be transformative and creative with it. By submitting, you also agree that your piece does not infringe on any existing copyrights or trademarks, and you have full license to use it.
    5. Submissions must be self-contained (everything essential to understanding the piece is contained within the context of the piece itself—no mandatory reading outside the piece required. e.g., if you want to write two different pieces in the same setting or larger narrative, you cannot rely on information from one piece to fill in for the other—they must both give that context independently).
  3. Submission Rules

    1. One submission per participant.
    2. Submit your entry in a comment on this post.
    3. Submissions close at 12:00pm CST each Friday.
    4. You must like and leave a review on two other submissions to be eligible. Your reviews must be at least 50 words long, and must be left directly on the submission you are reviewing, not on another comment. If you’re submitting to the private post, feel free to leave these reviews on either the private or the public post. The two submissions you like need not be the same as the submissions you review.
    5. Use the same e-mail for your posts, reviews, and likes, or you may be rendered ineligible (you may change your username or author name between posts without problem, however).
    6. You may submit to either or both the public/private groups if you have access, but if you decide to submit to both, only the private group submission will be eligible.
    7. Understand that by submitting here, you are giving us permission to read your submission aloud live on stream and upload public, archived recordings of said stream to our social media platforms. You will always be credited, but only by the author name you supply as per these rules. No other links or attributions are guaranteed.

Comments on this post that aren’t submissions will be deleted, except for replies/reviews left on existing submissions.


Comments

210 responses to “Writing Group: Fish out of Water (PRIVATE)”

  1. AnonymousIdiot Avatar
    AnonymousIdiot

    Last Day at School
    by Anonymous Student

    “We’ll pick you up after school in the U-Haul.”

    I hear dad say as he drives off. It’s my last day at school, and I’m moving.

    I break the news in the first period. I can’t say I know any of my classmates well. I only showed up almost a year ago, and while people got curious, they were content to leave me be.

    They look like I dropped a bombshell on them. Some were asking me how I feel about this. It ain’t like I chose to move. It’s never my choice! Some looked moody and said nothing. Like they didn’t wanna hear that news.

    The second period is much the same. And the third period. All the same questions, just with different words. Some wanted to throw a ‘going-away’ party at the end of the day, but why? I didn’t see the point.

    It isn’t the first time I’ve moved. Or second. Or seventh.

    The lunch bell goes off, and I take my time. I don’t feel hungry. One of my classmates, Colleen, is acting weird again. She’s insisting that I’m her friend no matter what happens. I don’t get why she’s been saying that a few weeks ago. Then she talks about how nobody knew that could happen to people, to suddenly leave. Was she trying to pardon them? I didn’t think there was much for me to say.

    She leaves, but not before saying to sign up for Instagram and rattle off her account name.

    Last period and that party, my classmates talked about what happened. Somehow they got the teacher to set aside the last half hour for music, games, and soda. It’s fun… and I’m still at a loss. Why throw this party when I barely existed to the others?

    As I see the truck pull up, Colleen called me out again, to remind me of her account… May as well sign up since there ain’t much else I can do.

    I wonder if I’ll stay longer than a year in the next house.

    1. While I was in school, we moved 7 times (into 5 different school districts) going from Dundalk MD and ending in Akron OH. I know that new kid in school all too well, but I never got the sorry to see you go. It kind of or definitely reads like the classmates are more concerned with the implications of seeing someone being forced out of their lives than any concern for the MC. Nice read.

    2. There’s something very simple are upsetting about how the children act here. It’s almost as if even while they throw a going away party they don’t even see the protagonist.
      I was really impressed how you got that feeling of isolation through by having none of the dialogue between students take place in real time. It’s all in the protagonists mind and that really helps to create a distance between them and everyone else.
      Sad piece, well written.
      I did notice something off about this sentence: “I don’t get why she’s been saying that a few weeks ago.” I’m not sure what you’re trying to get us to understand from it, but it feels a little off?

    3. ClockworkPigeonz Avatar
      ClockworkPigeonz

      You can feel the resignation of the main character really well here, this is something that’s happened before and they expect to happen over and over again. The distance the main character puts between themselves and their classmates acts like a shield against the pain of constantly being uprooted. There’s comfort in knowing where home is- the people and places that make that place home, and to have that routinely taken away must be a very tough thing to go through. I think you’ve managed to capture that feeling very well here!

  2. Adaptation
    By Derek McEldowney (Deviacon)

    I don’t belong in this world anymore. There’s no place left for an old man like me. I’ve been fishing out of the same shack that my father and grandfather did since I was able to put a worm to hook.

    The entire area, the shack, along with my family’s way of life has been gutted from the stinking corpse of the rotting industry.

    One last cast of the line off the dreary dock I grew up on. Never could catch much out here unless I took a boat, but there’s none left now. Only the musty dock and the fog.

    As dozing visions and daydreams of long lost memories of my simple youth played before my eyes, the gentle tug of my line pulled me from them. Too gentle, at first I thought it merely a part of my dozing ragged mind. With my senses returned to me and a gritty sigh I began to disdainfully reel in my catch.
    After landing the small slimy fish I could only stare in disgusted curiosity.

    It looked mostly like the bass I’ve caught thousands of times over. But it was dark and seemed to be covered in a self-made sludge; its eyes were pale and had thin elongated teeth. What was most unsettling to my eye though, were the two long thin extremities at its sides in place of its fins.

    It did not flail or flop like any fish should have. Instead it straightened itself out with the two slender hinged limbs nearly as long as itself, which arched over its body and back down to the ground in front of it. All the while it never stopped gasping for breath with that wide, gaping mouth—so loudly. Like a damp breeze through broken autumn leaves.

    Something in its pale eyes glistened toward me, and all I could do was stare back at it. With somber tenacity it managed to wretch itself away and off the edge of the dock back into the water, leaving only a dark trail of slime behind.

    1. AnonymousIdiot Avatar
      AnonymousIdiot

      Sad to read, yet relatable. Seems like the character had been on a slow decline, and I kinda wish I knew more of the character’s life. He seems hopelessly tragic and resigned. The imagery makes the place feel not just empty but decaying, and I’m left to wonder what’s taking the POV character’s place while the ‘industry’ pollutes his home.

    2. Clanso Avatar
      Clanso

      Well done! A more literal take on ” Fish out of water” along with a relatable character, a setting that I can almost see in front of me (and I don’t have that often ;)) and a mutated fish? I don’t really know what that was,but I think it was mutated. It’s a sad tale and I’d really like to hear more!

    3. This was a journey. You managed to capture the essence of the protagonist really well without explicitly stating everything. Lovely characterisation. And then the fish thing. Blimey. I did not expect that at all. What a strange creature, I am so curious about it. Anyway, well done. This came across almost horroresque to me, unsure if that’s what you were going for but it certainly left an impression.

    4. ClockworkPigeonz Avatar
      ClockworkPigeonz

      This is a morbidly, beautiful moment in a way- the interaction of man and nature but in a more twisted way. And like the main character I’m left wondering just what the heck did we catch a glimpse of? Was the fish some odd creature that had existed before the industry came in- and it just hadn’t been seen before. Or is it something new caused by the pollution? And if so…what other strange creatures lurk beneath the waves?

  3. ArkansanDragon Avatar
    ArkansanDragon

    Curiosity (Isle of Saline Rain: world swapped with Gage Jarman aka DesOttsel)
    by Magan

    The young girl crept slowly through the tough grasses, her child-sized bow and arrows at the ready as she explored the stone and metal ruins of the old world. Not yet a hunter, she’d be in trouble for sneaking out of the village cave, but she wanted to see this “edge of the world” from the stories. The place where the rain came from.

    The warm, salty rain soaked her clothing, but she tried to ignore it, ducking under what shelter was available. The lack of walls and a roof overhead was unnerving, and she constantly jumped at sounds, afraid of deadly creatures.

    Hours passed, and she walked on, missing her dry hut and warm fire. The sun began to set, quickly lost in the shrouding mist that covered everything along with the rain. Once again, the child had second thoughts. A sudden rustle in the bushes amid the growing darkness decided her on the matter, and she whirled to head for home–but which way was it?

    A feeling touched her mind. A sense of something nibbling at it… A canine-like amarok leaped from the bushes as the curious nibbling suddenly became a gnawing pain. It was a young beast, a pup likely on its first hunt, and the girl realized in terror that she would be that meal.

    She loosed an arrow from her small bow, missed, and dropped the weapon, clutching at her head. The creature pounced and the girl shut her eyes–only to hear a yelp and a thud beside her over the steady drumming of the rain.

    “What were you thinking?! Coming out here alone! Your mother was worried sick!”

    It was her father’s angry voice, but his touch was gentle as he scooped her into his arms, checking for injuries. She saw his arrow in the dead amarok pup lying at their feet.

    “I… I got lost…” she whimpered, “My head hurts…”

    He sighed, wrapped her in his cloak, and said gently, “You’ll be alright. Let’s just get you home. No more coming up here until you’re older and know how to hunt. Promise?”

    “Alright…”

    1. AnonymousIdiot Avatar
      AnonymousIdiot

      Fun adventure story, reminds me a bit of Legend of Zelda, in the sense of seeing the world at a young age. Much darker due to the lack of hand-holding and description of the elements. Can’t help but cheer the POV character onto adventure while being in over her head. Feels a bit disappointing that no hint of rain’s home could be found…

  4. LumiKat117 Avatar
    LumiKat117

    What is a Comic-Con?
    by Lumi (LumiKat117)

    When Lyeff arrived on Earth, he found himself scrambling to fit in with humanity. Sure, he’d studied about them for most of his existence. Knew every facet of how they interacted with others, almost all of their languages and had a rudimentary understanding of their cultures.

    But this?

    This completely escaped his grasp of understanding.

    He stared around the large, open building to the masses of people that were milling about the different booths of people, many dressed head to toe in the strangest outfits that he’s ever seen. From clothing that barely left anything to the imagination, which he had thought was something that humans avoided, to strange constructions that completely hid them beneath the mass of foam, fabric and who-knows what else.

    Lyeff looked down to his boyfriend who was similarly dressed in a strange amalgamation of fabric and foam, now understanding why he’d insisted that he walk around in his true form. “Alex, what exactly did you say this…” He paused, trying to recall the name. “Comic-Con was about?”

    Said human turned his attention to his demon with a wide grin. “It’s an event where nerds like me can go about interacting with others, buy merchandise and art for series that we like, and dress up in costumes to show off our efforts and dedication. That’s why you can walk around like this.”

    Alex gestured to the strange contraption that he’d strapped to Lyeff’s back, attaching rather uncomfortably to his wings and 4 extra arms, covered mostly by a jacket that had been tailored for his true form. To disguise the fact that Lyeff was over 7ft tall, his pants were made to look baggy around the hocks of his feet so he looked like he was wearing platform boots. A hole for his tail was also added, the spikes at the tip flattened at the moment.

    “I suppose that… makes sense. But I still feel like this is a risky endeavor.” He gestured to his pitch black skin, the swirls of silver and gold mostly hidden. “I’m not exactly a normal human color.”

    “Just enjoy it.”

    1. ArkansanDragon Avatar
      ArkansanDragon

      This story is cute and well done. The point of view is an interesting one, but at the same time completely understandable. To someone like me, who’s never been to a comic-con before, it can seem strange and overwhelming. Lyeff’s design is pretty cool, and I could easily see it fitting in there, although I thought he might be an alien at first, until you mentioned he was a demon.

  5. Cody Heinig (aka Prof_Belgian) Avatar
    Cody Heinig (aka Prof_Belgian)

    Where They Tread
    By Cody Heinig (aka Prof_Belgian)

    As wind flowed through his wings, Duma stared up at the Shining City, watching as its silver spires disappeared from view. He closed his eyes as his mighty feathers smoldered. Petals of embers floated past and spiraled into the sky. Contrary to belief, the Fall was slow and steady. Being cast down in a flaming fury would have been merciful, the slow approach was torment beyond measure.

    Suddenly, it was over.

    Broken pillars and crumbling ruins were all Duma could see. It was dark and felt cavernous but there was only void above him; no cavern ceiling, no stars hanging above. He drifted down, not yet touching the surface of this husk world. His feet had never touched ground and he felt as though mere contact with this surface would send disease and despair running through him. He began to utter a prayer.

    “Father forgive me—”

    No. Down here, Heaven would not hear him. For the first time, separate from the Host, he felt alone. He collapsed as his feet touched the ground and his once beautiful wings crumbled to ash around him.

    “Stand, angel” said a raspy voice from among the stones.

    “Who’s there? I—” Duma breathed heavily, “I will listen to no man or demon.”

    “Oh?”

    From around a broken statuette came a withered man, thinly bearded and supporting himself with a wooden staff. Duma, sprawled in the ash of his Fall, eyed him closely. He was familiar, like a warning told in children’s tales.

    “Would you listen to one who knows of falling?”

    “Judas.”

    He walked to Duma, long robes hissing on cracked ground, and offered a hand.

    “I will not take help from a betrayer,” said Duma.

    “Then you will be lonely. You walk among betrayers here,” Judas replied, flat-toned.

    The thought made Duma’s stomach lurch. He felt nauseous in this place of sin. This place he must now tread.

    “Leave me. I have fallen. I am weak.”

    “Strength, angel,” said Judas, “Lies in those who rise.”

    Judas moved his hand closer. Duma took it and stood as the ashes flew away.

    1. Oooh, I love the descriptions! The way you’ve described the views and the events feel so cinematic to me. The build-up of the tension was gradual, and the payoff was well worth the wait. This feels like the start of a pretty interesting book. Judas’ line at the end was especially good, striking and memorable. You’ve got me hooked!

    2. Gregory Hess Avatar
      Gregory Hess

      I wonder what the angel did to be cast out(if anything)? I like that they are still pretentious. Even though they have fallen, they can’t be as bad as the others who have gone through the same, or so they think. And yet the other fallen are kind and speak wisely.

    3. King_Nix Avatar
      King_Nix

      Great work! It’s rare to see the perspective of a rebellious angel that’s genuinely repentant, as angelology typically abides by the idea of angels having “perfect understanding.” Even more interesting is his interaction with Judas, as he looks at the fallen apostle with disgust despite being guilty of the exact same crime – betraying God. All around, a very interesting piece, keep it up!

  6. King_Nix Avatar
    King_Nix

    “Sitting Around the Campfire”
    By King_Nix

    Danyil reclined upon a fallen log. Though the moonless night was brisk, the warm glow of the fire made the small camp seem cozy as any inn. He watched his fellow travelers go about their business. Clæra, a jeweler, was attentively watching her tea kettle over the fire, as her husband Barin, a blacksmith, hammered the last stake into the ground for their shelter, before turning to help a young man named Quillen. It was plain that the lad lacked experience on the road, if the number of times he’d struck his thumb with the mallet were any indication. All the while, the merchant Corin was occupied at his wagon counting his coin.

    “I’ve not got anything too fancy foodwise,” he said, “just some bland sausages and a couple rolls.”

    “That’s good as anything on the road.” replied Barin, as he and Quillen approached from the finished tent.

    “The tea is just about finished as well, dear.” said Clæra. “Could you fetch the cups from our tent?” Barin nodded, and went to get them.

    Quillen sat down across from Danyil. Corin came and passed around the sausages on skewers as Barin returned with the cups. Clæra then poured the tea as they began to roast their dinners. Danyil caught Quillen staring at him.

    “Do you have something to say?” he asked.

    “N-no, sir!” stammered Quillen. “I w-was just admiring your armor. S-sir!”

    “No need for formalities. Just call me Danyil.”

    “Yes s- er, of course.”

    Barin chuckled. “It’s alright, lad. These days, you gotta be careful about military types.”

    “Barin!” snapped his wife. “This gentleman has offered to guard us all the way to Amia, and I’ll not have you causing trouble!”

    “Ahem.” Corin started. “The tea is lovely, Clæra. Thank you for sharing it.”

    “It’s the least I can do for letting us ride to the capitol with you.”

    The remainder of the meal passed peacefully, though no one noticed Danyil slip away. He spent the rest of his night speaking with Haifi, until falling asleep long after the fire had died out.

    1. I love the cozy atmosphere. You’ve painted vivid images of a caravan of travelers in a medieval setting. The descriptions convey a sense of relaxation, a kind of quiet evening atmosphere. The small talk is rather nice, nothing too intense and very human-sounding. The end also opens up questions with Danyil’s true motivations. I have nothing to add, as I believe this piece is really good as it is. Great job!

  7. Clanso Avatar
    Clanso

    p>Don’t kill the messenger by Clanso

    (This week I paired with Lari.B.Haven for the world swap. I have permission to use these characters and the Porto Real World)

    Alexandria faced a moral dilemma. She was standing there,on the porch of a woman who she had never actually met, clutching a letter that she shouldn’t have even read in the first place. The woman’s husband had written it and Alexandria, the courier, had been supposed to deliver it. But she just couldn’t bring herself to hand the damn thing over.

    It had started with little things. The occasional letter or package, always to the same address at the edge of town. Sometimes he had bought her flowers, sometimes he had written tooth-rotting sweet love letters. The thing was, they were clearly not for the woman that had married him.
    Alexandria didn’t like it, but this wasn’t bad enough for her to intervene.

    But then it got worse. He started to give Alexandria the letters in person. The letters to his fiancée detailed in a very graphic manner what he intended to do to her and to his wife.The courier almost got a heart attack, .

    That changed things of course. The woman was in danger. Even if she was as unpleasant as her husband described her, which she most likely wasn’t, she couldn’t let him go through with this. If she let this happen, then she would have to live with it her entire life.

    So that evening, she went to the house after her shift. It was already dark when she got there, and her heart pounded wildly in her chest.

    Knock Knock. It sounded like gunshots in the quiet night.

    What was she supposed to say to the woman?
    That her husband was not only having an affair, but planning to get rid of her in a … more direct manner? That she should leave him immediately? That her life was in danger?

    What if the man opened the door? How would he react to see her there, holding a compromising letter he had written?

    She did not have time to think however,as heard someone approaching the door on the other side. Alexandria took a deep breath.
    <
    Then the door opened

    1. Cody Heinig (aka Prof_Belgian) Avatar
      Cody Heinig (aka Prof_Belgian)

      Great job with building tension! I really felt the pace build as I was reading and you did a great job with establishing tone and letting us know what has happened in the story until this point. The whole thing flowed well and I was really caught up in the story, leading to a cliffhanger ending. Great work!

    2. The start really got me interested with what the details are. The escalating events were delivered (ayyy) very naturally, like an ordinary person was narrating everything. The last part built up tension really well in just a few sentences. I have one minor issue, I think the “had been” should be “was” instead. Although I get that you were matching the other had’s in the paragraph. Still, this is a great piece, presenting an interesting rising action. Great job!

    3. Tale Foundry Avatar
      Tale Foundry

      Oooooh, a cliffhanger. My worst enemy. But excellent use of it as well as the tension, Claire. While I hate cliffhangers, you used it quite well here.

      Anywho, I like the interpretation of the prompt in this story. The poor delivery person. Trusted into a situation she never wanted to begin with. Very compelling story!
      I don’t got any real criticisms for this piece, other than the < near the end of the story, but I'm guessing that was a accident. Very good story!

  8. minergirl778 (aka frogfireFantasy) Avatar
    minergirl778 (aka frogfireFantasy)

    Wet Sock Soiree
    By Minergirl778 (aka frogfireFantasy) and GJ Fuller (Permission granted by creator)

    “I’ll be right back, Gentlemers!”

    Angela’s feigned polite smile disappeared as she slammed the door shut behind her. Guh, that was awful. She’d never expected a game of charades with mermaids to be so ungodly boring. Thankfully, with the intel she now had, she’d be out of this watery world before they’d even miss her.

    She swam her way through the castle’s corridors until she found herself in the main ballroom. On the far side of the room sat her prize; a frosty blue gem with a key engraved on its surface.

    “Bingo.” She muttered to herself as she entered. However, she was soon swept up into her final obstacle.

    Ballroom Dancing.

    The one thing that lady-in-waiting hadn’t managed to teach to her. Crap. She scanned the ballroom from the edge, looking for a way to slip through the crowd to the pedestal. If she could get the right moment, maybe she could-

    “My lady? Will you honor me with your hand?”

    Oh, god no.

    A merman in fancy dress had come up beside her. He had his hand outstretched and looked at her expectantly. The lady-in-waiting’s words echoed in her mind…

    “Whatever you do, don’t refuse to dance with someone. Nobles don’t take ‘no’ for an answer”

    “Why, yes, you may.”

    She was soon whisked unwillingly out onto the floor. Her efforts to keep her eyes on the prize let her get a look around the room. Not a single streamer or pinata in sight. This had to be the saddest looking party ever.

    The two eventually stopped for refreshments. and a single bite of the sandwich irked her.

    Seaweed.

    Seaweed and sand sandwiches.

    Ok, that was it.

    She dropped the sandwich where she stood and tore through the crowd. She grabbed the gem and used every single bit of repressed frustration that the night had given her to slam the gem into the floor, shattering it.

    She grinned down at her work.

    “Fina-freaking-ly! I’m so DONE with this place. Later you finned-”

    Was the last thing she said before the mer-mob gave chase.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Froggy! You did such a fantastic job on this! Poor, poor Angela! She just can’t catch a break. I really love the aesthetic of the mer-world and its inhabitants. I see a turquoise tint over everything. I laughed out loud several times while reading. I honestly want Angela to make it home. One thing, though: I don’t like the fact that the nobles don’t take no for an answer. That sounds really skeevy and entitled and predatory. Nothing at all against the story; just these types of characters. People and characters like that set my teeth on edge, but I understand why the characters are there. Regardless, this is a fantastic story! You brought a very unique beauty to the world, and you made it your own. Brava!

      1. minergirl778 (aka frogfireFantasy) Avatar
        minergirl778 (aka frogfireFantasy)

        Thank you, thank you! I’m glad you liked it! I had a lot of fun writing this world. I based it off of Victorian times, and so I got to look up a bunch of party games and old etiquette rules from the time. That’s where the ‘Don’t say no’ thing came from, btw. There was a line in the set of rules I was reading that mentioned how it could be seen as rude if you refused to dance with someone without a reason, so I thought I could include it as a way to get her out on the dancefloor, and out of her comfort zone. Plus, it could give a bit of an edge to these nobles, and show why she has to get this magic artifact away from them! I love writing in victorian time periods so much, and I love writing them more when you’ve got characters who just love to break the countless amounts of social rules victorians had. I’m glad you liked it!

    2. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      Thought you did an excellent job in GJ’s world, Froggy. This was very well done. I thought it was very funny. I really feel for Angela in this one. Being forced around by merman society norms, preventing her from her goal. And then when she finally manages it, she does so in the most hilariously bad way. So well done.

    3. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      Oooh this was really cool! Literally too I imagine with the setting XD. For me the sandwich that broke the camel’s back is kinda a metaphor for this entire mermaid society – it seems all noble and refined, but the stuff it is made of is actually just gross and half-entirely incompatible with human beings. Said grossness is also implied in a much darker sense when the noble asks her to dance too. I imagine merpeople have quite the sharky teeth if others anger them sufficiently too.

      The scene with the gem was amusing and cathartic too – I do wonder what the gem actually does though. Is it like a seal on their world or something like that? In any case, Angela throwing away all decorum to just break it in front of everyone was the perfect ending to all that build up. Nice crossover indeed! 😀

    4. GJFuller Avatar
      GJFuller

      Ah! I love it. The idea of a seaweed and sand sandwich really made my skin crawl. Excellent characterization as well as some unique dialogue. you really created an interesting atmosphere in this. In hindsight and after reading this several times, I would like to have seen some descriptors in terms to things like the ballroom or the palace, but since the word limit restricts us I think you got in what your needed to for the piece to work. Angela’s frustration. Honestly, if my only nitpick is that the word limit kept me from seeing all of what you saw, I’m find with that. I was content imaging the palace and I’m glad you gave that attention to things like comedy and building.
      Good work!!! (I’m so happy/honored that you wrote something in my world 😀 )

  9. JosieDearly Avatar
    JosieDearly

    “High Hopes”
    by JosieDearly (with permission to write within Johanson’s world of Syrin)

    I did it. I finally did it.

    I actually got into Whigford University.

    I dreamed of studying zoology there. I dreamed of the animals we’d get to see, the live specimens they might bring in during class. I dreamed of the friends I’d make, the parties I’d go to on weekends, the roommate I’d live with during the academic years. Would they be nice? Would they like me? I’m sure they would.

    Highschool was easy for me. I learned all the best ways to study, and I got the best grades I could reasonably aim for. If I was ever having a tough time with any homework, I had my parents and tutors from other classes, I’m a gymnastic athlete and I practiced my magic every day. With a wave of my hand, the forces of nature are at my command.

    When I applied for Whigford, I thought it wouldn’t be hard for me to fit in, get to know my fellow classmates, people who fought just as hard to get to where I am. I thought going to Whigford meant the best years of my life.

    But…

    When I walked onto the campus, dotted with trees of cherry-coloured wood, I looked up at the old main building. It towered over me, and I remembered the reputation that they held, that now I have to uphold.

    Whigford students produced the best biologists and mages, the latter of which surrounded me on the greens. I saw one girl out there, pirouetting as sparks and flares erupted from her foot, and soon enough a tornado of light spiralled all around her. I could hear the applause all the way from here as her show dazzled the onlookers, and blinded me. She continued twirling effortlessly within.

    … How did she do that? I can’t do that…

    When I arrived at my first class, everyone was talking with each other. I tried to say hi, but… I don’t know. Something choked up my throat.

    This is just nerves. Everyone has them when first going into highschool, maybe it’s the same for university.

    Right…? Right.

    1. Skye Doust Avatar
      Skye Doust

      My personal opinion of the protagonist here is conflicted. I really sympathize with them during the latter sections, but they way they assume they are going to be liked and get along makes me kind of happy they are having a spot of trouble.
      Now, I do also hope that they get over it and find how they fit in, or how they explicitly don’t fit in.
      I enjoy the internal monologue, you can really get a good feel for the Protagonist in it. The way the (not quite arrogance but almost?) slowly fades into wonder and nerves is brought to life.

      What made you go for this writing style, if I may ask? Where you are coming at it solely from past-tense?

      1. JosieDearly Avatar
        JosieDearly

        I did intend for it to be a humbling experience for them, so I’m happy that you’re happy they’re feeling this way. XD

        As for your question, I think it’s because most of my submissions have been in first person present. It’s a tricky perspective to write and make it sound good. I’ve also been having trouble getting out of it, as I also write in third person omniscient and limited, but almost none of my submissions here have been so. Figured this would be a slower transition out of it.

        I also kind of liked the idea that this is something the protagonist was reflecting on while they’re taking a break. Made it easier to write that way.

        1. Skye Doust Avatar
          Skye Doust

          I imagined it being something the protag was reflecting on pretty much as they arrived in their first class, with the bustle of newness abuzz around and the whirl of the unfamiliar. Trying to center himself for just a moment and maybe get a more solid grip on the situation from the reflection.

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      You’ve encapsulated that perfect combination of overachievement and insecurity. At least, it feels that way to me. it’s an introspective piece; no matter how good we think we are, when we compare ourselves to other people, we just don’t seem to stack up as well as we thought we did. That shines through in this piece, Josie. I hope that the protagonist eventually finds her place at the University. Excellently relatable.

    3. LumiKat117 Avatar
      LumiKat117

      As a college student, I fully understand the struggle that they’re feeling. You encapsulate well the anxiety that many freshman feel when they enter school for the first time and are immediately overwhelmed by how far their elder classmates have progressed and how easily even those in their class seem to mold together even as you feel like you stick out like a sore thumb. And not in a good way. I really like how you also wrote this in the first person perspective, as it helped to put myself into the mindset of this overachiever student who goes in feeling like they have everything under control but loose their nerve the moment they see someone do a spell that they can’t.

    4. Matthew (Handsome Johanson) Avatar
      Matthew (Handsome Johanson)

      It’s always really nerve wracking when you enter a new school for the first time and there are all these people who have progressed so much further than you. You did really well at capturing that feeling of alienation and insignificance that can come with entering the realm of higher learning. “maybe im not as good as i thought” “maybe im not good enough anymore” I particularly like your descriptions! the twirler i found pretty evocative! Lore wise I havent decided if mages area a thing and what they do in this universe yet xD maybe they’ll be like gym trainers 😀 Thanks for this awesome piece! I enjoyed world swapping with you 🙂

    5. minergirl778 (aka frogfireFantasy) Avatar
      minergirl778 (aka frogfireFantasy)

      Awwww, An all too relatable struggle when going to a new place…. This is such a great glimpse into someone experiencing that themselves! The imagery of the sparks from the girl’s foot is so cool, and you make the audience really sympathize with the protagonist! Overall, great job!!

  10. Tale Foundry Avatar
    Tale Foundry

    Title: Thief of the Tide
    Written By T.S.G. Sager (With permission from Exce to write in AstraNovis)

    The shimmering streets of the Altarean Empire were quiet. The dim moonlight illuminated the path as I crept through in search of my target. Still fresh from the ocean, the only trail I left were soaked prints from my webbed feet, but by the time someone discovered them, I’d be back in the waters.

    It didn’t take long to find my mark; a rich noble by the name of Dor’eil Khamberlaen, a low-leveled tycoon in the realm of magic. Thanks to his contributions, and many others in this empire, my score tonight was made possible. If not for the Altarean’s pumping their magic into their waterways, It would be impossible.

    Dor’eil’s Manor was magnificent, guarded by enormous marble pillars. My webbed paws clung to the marble as I climbed, a sticky secretion aided me as I climbed toward the master bedroom. I observed quietly from the window, peering in at the sleeping Khamerlaens. As I concentrated my breathing, energy formed in my palms, which I used to cut a hole. Allowing me entrance.

    Once inside, I delicately rummaged around the bedroom, ostentatiously decorated with purples, reds, and even gold. Nabbing many items of great value, I stopped in my tracks when I saw the true prize. The Khamberlaen heirloom. I smirked at the magical barrier protecting it. Child’s play compared to the magic of the Mesun-Valh. After focusing myself once more, my hand penetrated the barrier, wrapping around the shining delight.

    As I attempted to make my exit, I peered back at the bed to see that Dor’eil’s wife had awakened, her fearful face gazed at my appearance. I raised my index finger to my lips, but her deafening scream forced my hand and I dashed through the window, shattering glass to the ground beneath my feet. I hastily sprinted for the ocean, dodging the authorities as I did. With a singular splash, I vanished.

    “Papa! You’ve returned!” my daughter beckoned for me as I entered our home.

    “I have, my sweet.” I smiled at her, unravelling my trophy. “And I brought you something. Happy Birthday.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is sweet and exhilarating, Gatte! I love how he is willing to put his life in jeopardy for his daughter’s birthday. The action is fast-paced, the visuals are stunning, and I really loved the touch of him trying to shush the wife of the noble, as if that’s going to get her to not scream. I love little character details like that. Beautiful story.

    2. LumiKat117 Avatar
      LumiKat117

      I love how adorable the ending is, how he’s just a father trying to surprise his daughter for her birthday. I really enjoy the descriptions that you use, it makes it very easy to get an idea of what the character is doing and while we don’t get a full description of their appearance, we don’t really need one to know about the character’s actions aside the fact that they’re either amphibious or a fish creature that can survive on land for at least a short time. Very well done.

    3. Clanso Avatar
      Clanso

      Awww Gatte, this is so sweet! At first I didn’t really know what was going on, but you explained it well. It sure is a lot of trouble to go through that for a birthday present, but it shows how much he loves her. I’m really curious: Whose house was that? It’s a really cool story.

    4. minergirl778 (aka frogfireFantasy) Avatar
      minergirl778 (aka frogfireFantasy)

      Oh, I LOVE THIS! Rouges like this have a special place in my heart. Dashing, Daring, yet kind and caring with a big heart for the ones that count. I love the imagery of him shattering the glass and escaping into the night. The internal dialog he has about the magic stuff also is just so fun, and gives him so much character! This is amazing, Gatte! Man, I kinda wanna draw what I think this guy would look like… anyways, Amazing job!!!!

    5. revisis Avatar
      revisis

      Ah! An excellent story written in my Universe xD

      I like your introduction of the Mesun-Valh, without too many explanations or describtions you get across that they arent….quite human. A nice literal take on the prompt too!

      Usually I theorize what else we may see of this story :p Tho at this point I can see that ill definitly use these characters in the future!

      Excellent Job Gatte!

      1. Tale Foundry Avatar
        Tale Foundry

        Yaaaaaay! I’m glad to hear that. You told me that a lot of LumenOrbis, or specifically Excelsius, was inspired by DBZ. So, i figured I’d stick to the norm of “inspired by anime” and write a character inspired by one of my favourite Animes: Lupin III. Plus, I figured, your universe was missing a Phantom Thief, and that’s when it clicked.

        Please do with them what you will, I am excited to see where they go next! :eyes:

  11. Skye Doust Avatar
    Skye Doust

    Eruption of Immersion
    by Skye Doust

    There was no singular point where she could have said for certain that she had left the Earth’s atmosphere behind.

    Deity had demanded much of her, hooked her into sacrifice and consumption. She would forever miss those that had had to die, but Mother and Father rose up with her!
    They rose up inside her!

    The cocoon that reeled her out of the sky shielded her from the majority of the elements. It was warm, safe, and because of it she had only slightly felt the motion of air racing past her as she was hoisted towards the vault above.

    The children had been hardest for her to lure in but her determination, her belief, would save them all. She cast open her arms, her soul ached to join Deity. She would be secure, happy, all their wishes to be granted. This is what the scriptures had talked of, ascending towards the Heavens themselves! Her mind was in Bliss, her body in Rapture!

    The cocoon that wrapped around her popped. All the air in her lungs was violently discharged. Her eyes clouded with black, her mind wavered on consciousness, but she set her jaw. She had to push on. She would see the Face of Deity.

    She felt a line pulling her away from the gravity that had sunk her her whole life. Her tongue froze solid and her teeth sheared through the flesh. She cared not. All her life was for this moment and she would not let Deity down. Around her, all was blackness. Though she could see the stars they were but small red pin-pricks.

    She was pulled ever onward. Above, Deity awaited.

    ***

    “Aw, Jessup!” called the man in the fishing bib, turning to show his friend his latest catch, “this one is over regulation size.”
    There was a moment of quiet as Jessup sloshed through the water to get closer to Travis, “You know the law. Gotta throw it back!”
    “Dangit,” muttered Travis, “what a waste of my bait too.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Ooooh, Skye! I REALLY LOVE this one! It’s a literal fish out of water take on the prompt! I love this subversion in the beginning. By writing it from the fish’s point of view, we assume that it’s a cult, and she has died for her deity. I really love that framing technique. Then we pull back and it’s revealed to be two fishermen. From the context above, does it mean her parents were caught and kept and later eaten? Or were they thrown back as well and now, they’re in a different part of the water? By the way, this is a wonderful, darkly fascinating story. Beautiful imagery, strong tones, flowing narrative, and great pacing. Excellent job!

      1. Skye Doust Avatar
        Skye Doust

        I am not entirely sure on everything, but my idea was that this is actually the other way around. The Woman in the Cult-type-thing is the actual story and the fishermen are the framing device for what happens to her next.

        I struggled a lot with this line: “She was pulled ever onward. Above, Deity awaited.” and I am still not entirely happy with it.

        I am really glad you like it though. It is a very confusing piece imho. ><

      2. Skye Doust Avatar
        Skye Doust

        At the same time as the other interpretation, I also believe that it is true that the fishermen -are- the Deity she so desperately wishes to become one with. It is just neither understand nor comprehend the other as the difference is so great between them.

        1. Lunabear Avatar
          Lunabear

          Ah. Ok. Now, I see. But I liked the lines “She was pulled ever onward. Above, Deity awaited.” It shows a long passage of time well also reinstating that she was close to Deity. I felt it was more anticipation and a wonderous experience for her. And it’s not confusing; you can interpret it from two different perspectives. You did fantastic.

    2. revisis Avatar
      revisis

      Hahaha Ok, at first I thought this was a clever way to write about a literal fish being fished, and then dissapointingly being returned to water…but thinking about it, this COULD be an even MORE cleverly written half story-half metaphor. An actual cultist that commited (deity) god knows what kinda crimes and is then refused because she doesnt fit the rules (pearly gates)? With the Fishers serving as an amazingly humanized version of the eldritch happenings in the Cultist story.

      I love it! cant wait to see what you will bring us!

      1. Skye Doust Avatar
        Skye Doust

        Thank you. You managed to put into your review what I clearly couldn’t in my other replies. ><
        I feel super awkward saying that it was intended as that half-story/half-metaphor now, because you're saying it is clever. But yes, that is what I meant it to be taken as. At least, that was what my mind struggled to define and so I wrote a whole story about a loose concept that I barely grasped myself.

    3. OH
      OH
      OOOOOOOOOH

      That was *clever*.

      Now, I know the clever part has already been covered. It is my favourite element of the piece, but considering Luna and Revisis have already both mentioned it, I’m gonna jump into my second favourite element here because it deserves some recognition.

      The prose here is stellar. There are some places I would have wrote differently or seem a little off, but in this case it doesn’t matter because it *works*. This is one of the most engaging pieces I’ve ever read from this group, and I’m willing to bet nine tenths of that was the style. It pulls you along, getting quite in depth in its description but never stopping.

      This is going straight to my all-time favourites list. This is absolutely brilliant. Standing ovation, hats off and all the rest. Incredibly well done.

      1. I don’t entirely know what to say. Thank you. I think. I’m really glad the style worked, it’s probably the most edited piece I’ve put down here so far. I reworked a lot of it, even going back to sneakily slip in fishing terminology where I could.

    4. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      I thought this was really clever. An actual fish out of water. A look into what happens to fish when they get caught on the line. You did a great job with the set up. It seems so transcendent in a fishy view, but the end really got me. Very well done, Skye.

      1. When I had the idea at first to write about this, I wanted to have the experience of a human stepping out into space, like how a fish would feel out of water.
        It changed as I wrote, but I still kept the idea of the fish out of water being humans out of Earth. The fishermen at the end, though? They are both real humans and a metaphor for what happened to the woman.
        I’m really glad you liked the piece though, that that transcendental feeling came through.
        Thanks 🙂

    5. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      That is a giant contrast of perspectives to be sure! And very literal interpretation of the prompt too. XD That said, it is quite hard to translate much of stuff the fish (I assume anyway) perspective says to the reality we know – how does she lure others to their doom, are her ‘lungs’ actually meant to be real lungs and the like.
      Still, it was an interesting story with a funny little denouncement. Well done! 🙂

      1. Skye Doust Avatar
        Skye Doust

        The woman whose perspective you start in is not actually a fish. There are metaphors to fishing in her section, but she is very much a human stepping out into space.
        Thanks for the review! I appreciate seeing how others interprete this piece, as confusing as it is ><

        1. Calliope Rannis Avatar
          Calliope Rannis

          Ah whoops I see. Still a cool piece though!

  12. Tale Foundry Avatar
    Tale Foundry

    Metamorphosis
    ~by DukkiFluff~

    Her tortured screams echoed through the manor from her bedroom.

    “Deep breaths, Ayase,” Kurogane soothed.

    “I-I’m trying..!” She huffed through gritted teeth, her hands clenched tight on her blanket, “It hurts!”

    “I know.” He chuckled, smiling softly at his goddaughter, “You’re doing great.”

    Ayase panted heavily, tears stinging her ruby red eyes as she watched her pale porcelain skin shifting to a soft purple. She let out a cry of pain, hunching over on her bed, feeling like her entire body was on fire.

    “Almost there, Ayase,” Kurogane took her hand, letting her squeeze as hard as she needed.

    Her mouth opened in a silent scream, her breath caught in her throat from the immense pain. Her body jolted, a searing, ripping sensation wracking her every muscle.

    Then, after an eternity of a few painful minutes, it was over.

    She breathed a heavy sigh of relief, collapsing on her side.

    “Beautiful.” Kurogane breathed, wiping the blood from her new leathery wings with a soft towel.

    Ayase let him finish, then sat up carefully. Kurogane helped her to her feet and lead her to her mirror.

    Her eyes widened.

    There she was, and yet she looked so different. Like a stranger had taken her place.

    Large, leathery purple wings protruded from her back, and a matching thin tail draped to the floor. Her ears had shifted too, now elongated and pointed. Her eyes had changed to a vibrant gold, and in the center of her forehead was the blue diamond mark of her family.

    She stared for a long while, stunned by her new appearance.

    Kurogane placed a hand on her shoulder, smiling at her in the reflection, “You make a lovely Akuma, Ayase Mikage. Your father would be pleased.”

    She smiled, fiddling with the blue gemstone pendant around her neck, “I hope so…” she sniffled, feeling fresh tears stinging her eyes.

    “I know so.” He kissed the top of her head, hugging her close, “Happy birthday, Ayase.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Dukks! This is so incredibly sweet! At first, I honestly thought she was giving birth until the reveal of the wings. You have some great imagery, and I really feel pain for Ayase as she is going through metamorphosis. I hope she adjusts to being an Akuma very well. Side note: you guys harp a lot on Kurogane, but he seems loving and sweet here. Great story, as always!

    2. Gregory Hess Avatar
      Gregory Hess

      Hm.. Strange that my first thought was a worry as to weather she would be able to like her new body. While she seems to think it looks good, it seems so foreign to her. I wonder if she can and should adjust. It gets worse when you mention that her father would be proud, as that makes me think she is doing this painful transformation for someone else. Aside from my concerns over her well being, good story Dukki!

    3. Skye Doust Avatar
      Skye Doust

      Thank you for this gem.
      You set us up perfectly, hinted that it might not be as we assume, and struck dead center. You genuinely made me smile reading this, I was so happy.

      -ahem- Now, more technically: I have no idea what “a lovely Akuma” is and apparently Google says it is a Street Fighter. I don’t really believe it is too important to know, because we can infer a lot from the context, but it is one small thing.

      1. Skye Doust Avatar
        Skye Doust

        Further research was done. I found that Akuma is Japanese analogue of Demon, and now I have nothing to say that is even slightly critical.

    4. Twangyflame0 Avatar
      Twangyflame0

      This is so weird and I like it. I wasn’t sure where this was going at first, but I like where it ended. I can almost see Ayase’s form and it looks strange, beautiful, and magnificent, all at the same time. Part of me is reading this as somewhat as an allegory for puberty, a little. I don’t know if that was the intention, but in the end, this is a very wonderful story. Very well done.

    5. This is both unsettling and incredibly endearing. The intense pain of the transformation and eager support and encouragement of Kurogane seemed very reminiscent of childbirth. It added a level of well-deserved intimacy to the moment. I really like how well embraced the transformation is treated by Ayase, despite the strange feeling of looking at her new reflection.

  13. jesse fisher Avatar
    jesse fisher

    Bar’s Demonic Waiter
    By Jesse Fisher

    His throat burned and he could taste blood on his lips as a nearly disrobed dark navy anthro wolf’s yellow eyes with near black sclera opened up. Aside from that dream walker he remembered getting drunk at the bar he found himself at after…the need to get blackout drunk again rose but calmed himself for a moment and looked around him. A bed clearly plain and basic while the room was again basic it did have two doors with a familiar outfit hanging on the wall between it. A crimson and brown sweatshirt with a two tone gray jean whose shins were armored with pointed knees. And he could not forget his pointed shoes, right now he is glad that his fingers had yet to be turned into knives.

    He did see the book on a bedside table and he felt pain but let his hand fall as he moved to get up and get changed.

    He walked out of his room to see the bar keep right there and the area did not change. The same older man with mismatched eyes and same outfit. Walking up he looked up and down the being in front of him.

    “Oleander told me of your state of mind.” The barkeep said with a matter of fact tone.

    He growled something under his breath similar to, “Bucking dream walking dragoness interrupting my good dream.”

    “After getting you to a room we both notice the angelic and demonic energies on you.” The keep continued ignoring what the wolf said. “As I thought about it I could use some help here, there seems to be an increase of demonic gods coming here and thought you might be able to move between them and the more angelic gods.”

    “So I’m going to be a waiter to beings that can snuff me out like a candle in the wind?” The wolf responded with an eyebrow raised.

    “Not as long as you are in my employment.”

    With a sigh the wolf sat at the bar. “So what is the uniform for this gig?”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is nice, Toacoy. You move through the scene very well. I like how Korun is willing to give him a job, and I hope that the wolf finds some sort of happiness to counterbalance the grief that he feels. I also really like to the touch of Schumer at the end because of the wolf’s abrasive yet endearing attitude. Nice story!

      1. jesse fisher Avatar
        jesse fisher

        Thank you very much and ya he is not that bad, anymore after another interacted with him.

    2. LaribHaven Avatar
      LaribHaven

      I really liked this story. The bar owner seems to be a really good creature to hire a drunk deity that had lost everything. I really like the setting and how everyone interacts. Also, the situation is really relatable. It’s not everyone that its willing to have a drunk crash into their houses after a blackout and put them on their feet later. Keep the good work Toacoy!

      1. jesse fisher Avatar
        jesse fisher

        Thank you

  14. DesOttsel Avatar
    DesOttsel

    Nope (Dra’cora: world swapped with Magan aka. arkansandragon)
    by Gage Jarman

    Pressurized gas hissed out of the escape pod. A thick-gloved hand pushed open the hatch. A figure crawled out of the battered craft. The space suit he wore looked out of place.

    “Why’d we have to crash on this rock? Bullshit. Alright, aaaaand of course my coms are down.” He looked around his surroundings, at the trench of fresh dirt cutting through the immense greenery.

    “So if I came from there, and they went, that means… This way?… damn it,” he sighed.
    The bulky space suit was swallowed by brush. The jungle was thick. The man’s undergarments were soon soaked with sweat. They chaffed on his groin with every heavy step. He stumbled through a thicket and fell into a clearing.

    “Haaaa, haaaaa. At least I finally know what’s here. Haaaa. It sucks,” the man huffed. He rolled onto his back, laying there, just catching his breath. The soft earth underneath gave way, and the man fell.

    Corrosive liquid enveloped him. He looked up from the pit to see the aperture closing ten feet above him. Vegetation wove itself back together into a seal. The man waded over to the smooth waxy walls. He could see the immersed section of his suit bubbling. He unsheathed a knife and gripped it with two hands. He drove it down, horizontally, into the plant. The knife was thoroughly stuck. He pulled himself up and stood on the tiny platform. He braced himself against the slick wall and sparked a welding torch. The plants hissed and shrunk back. The man pulled himself over the lip before the seal reformed. “The fuck’s wrong with this planet?”

    The man continued trudging through the jungle. Slowly, it shifted into a temperate alpine forest. He saw light over a ridge. When he reached the edge, he stood and stared down into a village resting in a valley. There were no people, only beasts. Animals pulled carts, ran markets, and farmed strange hybrids in the fields. They talked and laughed and acted like any person would.

    “You gotta be shittin’ me.” The man walked back into the forest.

    1. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      Why do I see this as a twilight zone episode? Cause I’m sure this was a twilight zone episode.

      Anyway this was a nice read as it took the idea and ran with it. Also just love the main character’s dialog, he is so done with this and is just trying to get back with the crew. And I just thought of a section of one piece but mostly it is the plants.

      1. DesOttsel Avatar
        DesOttsel

        “I’ll go left.” Zoro goes right.

        1. jesse fisher Avatar
          jesse fisher

          mostly the Boin Archipelago but yes Zoro going the wrong way

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Des, this is hilarious while also managing to be absolutely terrifying! I do love his dialogue throughout the story. He is simply beyond done with this. I’m highly doubtful that he will get used to living on this planet if he doesn’t find a way off of it first. I just hope he keeps nopping himself out of situations. I also love how the world you wrote about is incredibly engaging but also horrifying. Great story, man!

    3. Skye Doust Avatar
      Skye Doust

      You write action very well. I can easily understand how this man is moving, and how he escapes the deadly plant. I did have a little bit of confusion when you mention him driving the knife down, horizontally. Had to reread that a little to understand, maybe if you had used ‘in’ instead of ‘down’ it would have conveyed direction more easily? Unsure, I am just a hobbyist so my opinion is a little invalid for the most part.
      Still, thoroughly enjoyed taking this trip with this man. I was really amused by how he was just… [I just realised this piece is called Nope and now I understand and I love it.]

    4. Cody Heinig (aka Prof_Belgian) Avatar
      Cody Heinig (aka Prof_Belgian)

      This is really well done. I love the way you gave detail to the jungle, it really helped set up the environment and created evocative visuals. The way you wrote it, it was like we were experiencing everything with the protagonist and that’s always good. The reveal at the end is funny and interesting. His dialogue is enjoyable, as well.

    5. ArkansanDragon Avatar
      ArkansanDragon

      Looks good! It took me a second reading to catch the joke with the title, but this is pretty funny. That poor guy just can’t catch a break. I’m curious now what other misadventures he’ll run into after that killer plant and finding a Beastfolk village. It probably makes that jungle trek worse because the humans who got stuck on Dracora were prepped for colonizing an ice planet instead!

    6. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      Falling into a giant pitcher plant is like the epitome of Nope. Good thing his spacesuit could handle the acid at least! I was concerned that this place was going to be like a Death World or something after that, but maybe it’s not quite as hideously hostile as all that if beastpeople villages exist.

      The imagery and action were really good and clear for me too – though like Skye, I had some confusion as to what the knife line was meant to mean on my first reading. But this concept sounds real interesting indeed! 😀

  15. Gone
    by NocteVesania

    I found myself standing at an empty street one evening. I couldn’t remember how I got there, or where I was going, but there I was, confused and alone. The grey apartment buildings seemed familiar, but I could not figure out why. In the distance, I saw a man, dressed in a trenchcoat and hat, walking in my direction.

    “Mister!” I called out to him, “can you tell me where we are?”

    No response. The man kept walking, his head down and his hands in his pocket.

    Typical. Adults are too ignorant to listen to kids.

    Fragments of a memory flashed in my mind. The sounds of a woman weeping. The icy metal of a doorknob as I pull it towards me. The cool breeze of the night caressing my cheek.

    As I faded back to the present, I saw the man, already past me, put out his left hand, palm toward the sky. After a moment, he started jogging away. That’s when I heard a faint pitter-patter around me.

    Rain? I normally wouldn’t have bat an eyelash, but this felt odd. Rather, it didn’t feel like anything. I could hear the droplets falling around me, but I couldn’t feel it on my skin.

    My bewilderment grew even more as an ambulance whizzed past, sirens blaring. With nowhere else to go, I followed it. It soon led me to some men in blue on the edge of an alley, police cars lining the street.

    As I approached, I heard it again, the sobbing of that same woman in my vision. I hesitated, then took a step toward her.

    “Mom? I-I’m sorry for worrying you. I’m he-”

    Shock came upon me, cutting off my words. Lying on the pavement, right at the alleyway’s mouth, is a body, partially covered in tarp, blood pooled underneath. I slowly walked towards it. My breath grew shorter and shorter as my heart pounded. I clutched my chest with a trembling hand in a futile attempt to calm myself. I peered into its face.

    It was me, staring back, eyes wide and lifeless.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Whew! Nocte, this one has a bitter resonance. Not in the fact that someone is particularly angry and unaccepting about something, but this is a bitter pill to swallow. I really enjoyed how you left little clues throughout the story building up to the end. I like how the atmosphere is somber throughout the piece. Man that ending! There’s a different kind of sadness that hits when a child dies. You told this tale with a lot of tense atmosphere and dignity.

      This is the only critique I have.

      right at the alleyway’s mouth, is (was) a body,

      The child has to adjust to life after death. Very poignant. Excellent piece!

    2. Gregory Hess Avatar
      Gregory Hess

      I like the subtle hints you drop as to what is really going on. The boy can’t quite remember what his home looks like. The man can’t here the boy. The rain doesn’t seem to hit him. I also like how the boy is in so much shock at seeing his own dead self, and the mother’s reaction is heartbreaking. The story also does some word building by making clear that souls exist, meaning that there may be some next life for this poor soul to enter.

    3. Skye Doust Avatar
      Skye Doust

      This really captures that moment when you die for the first time. The confusion and how you think everything is normal, but there are subtle tells all around that nothing is right anymore.
      I want to know more about how the kid ended up dead. The ally makes me think of a drive-by or mugging, but having the mother there as well makes me unsure of if that is truly the case.

    4. DesOttsel Avatar
      DesOttsel

      I love this. I think the best part is how you create the tone. The environmental descriptions really convey the emotion behind it since the kid is so far removed until the end of the story. I don’t think I have any main criticisms. It’s just sad and tragic and kids innocence elevates it even more. Good job.

    5. Clanso Avatar
      Clanso

      Oh no! I would not have expected that ending. No wonder people can’t see them. Theyre indeed gone. The shock they feel is very well described, Maybe this is how all ghosts feel. (If that’s what this is) Well done Nocte, I left you a like 🙂

  16. Gregory Hess Avatar
    Gregory Hess

    “Above the surface” [This week Brick and I collaborated with each other, and swapped our worlds. I got permission from them to use their world, Squirreledbuilding]
    By gregovin

    I feel so … bored. Everything feels the same. None of the other fish seem to want to do anything fun or interesting. All so mature. Hmph!

    I’ve seen some weird foods near the surface. They look and move weird. They seem to congregate around the weird shadowy solid things, fast movers, or big birds. Everyone says don’t bite, but I want to try.

    Oh! There’s a shadowy solid thing. I swim toward it. Oh, a weird food.

    Nom!

    Something pokes the roof of my mouth. Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow. SWIM SWIM SWIM AWAY
    It hurts more! I can’t move back. I feel like I’m being yoinked forward toward the shadowy solid thing. PANIC! Suddenly, I’m pulled upward.

    MY EYES! It’s too bright up here!

    MY GILLS! THEY BURN.

    MY MOUTH! That thing in it hurts like hell.

    I hear a voice. “Oh, you finally caught one. Well, it’s catch and release. Throw it overboard.” I can barely make out a tall being as it pulls me toward it, opens my mouth, and pulls the thing out with weird fins that seem to have odd gaps in them. Then I’m flung to the side.

    Splash!

    I’m back. Everything feels so much better down here. The water is nice, cool, and dark. My mouth only hurts a bit. I’m not doing that again. No no no.

    The shadowy solid thing moves away.

    Phew. I escaped!

    I swim down to find my fellows, the pain in my mouth reduced to a dull ache.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Awwww! This is very sweet, Greg! A literal fish out of water. I’m glad the fish escaped in the end, and I hope it learned its lesson. Very good job.

  17. Beautiful Studies
    By Monty

    “You’re staring.”

    Cyrus jumped at the husky voice before hanging his head. The voice smirked audibly before circling him a couple of times and resting beside his left ear. “Flustered, professor?”

    Cyrus let out a sigh before regaining posture, straightening his tie, and locking eyes with the perpetrator. “You’re the only familiar person here, Aaron,” Cyrus exclaimed. “This is my first time going to such an…establishment.”

    “My beloved professor-” god, why did he have to say that in that kind of voice? “-you act as if you never been to a party during our student days…oh right, you didn’t. Because your cute little self just had to be holed up in the library or the cafe to study all day. My, my, you have become a dull boy.”

    Cyrus ran his fingers through his hair with a sigh; god, why must he be so frustrating? Better yet, why did he always tease him? Out of all the people in the world to tease him, why must it be this frustrating art museum curator that he only knew since his university days?

    Frustrating indeed, but a breath of fresh air in such an uncomfortable setting.

    “Cat got your tongue, pro-”

    “Call me “professor’ one more time; I dare you.”

    Aaron’s eyes widened before that charming, shit-eating smirk reappeared faster than the professor could blink. “So, you do have a tongue,” he hummed before leaning down again and whispering in Cyrus’ other ear. “The night is young, professor; perhaps you should enjoy yourself this time. Step out of your comfort zone and…give in to temptation, just for tonight.”

    With a kiss on the other’s hand, Aaron dragged the reluctant professor outside of the building; after all, who wouldn’t want those cute expressions all for themselves?

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Okay. So. I misread this when I first started reading it as a student coming on to their professor because of how Aaron keeps using the name “professor”. It made me kind of uncomfortable, but I’m glad I still kept reading. Because it made me uncomfortable in a different kind of way. I realize that Aaron is teasing him and trying to get him out of his shell, but the way in which he’s teasing the professor and how uncomfortable the professor is makes it seem kind of predatory to me. It is also rather light-hearted and sweet. There is a sultry air to it. Aaron wants the professor, and he makes no secret of it. I really like the take on the prompt, Monty.

      These are the only critiques that I have.

      The voice smirked audibly. I understand what you were going for here, but it comes off as a misunderstanding.

      you act as if you(‘ve) never

      oh, right, you didn’t (haven’t)

      as I’ve had time to think on it, the professor did not seem to be as uncomfortable as I first understood it. He is largely shy. Aaron is simply trying to get him out of his comfort zone. I realize now that the discomfort comes from my own experiences dealing with this kind of person where the outcome was not wanted, let’s say that, and I was projecting that experience onto the story. My apologies. Regardless of interpretation, I love the story. Great job.

    2. MysteryElement Avatar
      MysteryElement

      It was very easy to empathize with the main character. You did an excellent job at expressing his thoughts and emotions, a desire to try new things and be adventurous tied to his reluctance to try anything out of his comfort zone. It is very much like writing a story in a new setting, desiring to express thoughts in a new way without the experience can be both thrilling and daunting, and we pursue it for the sake of exploring ourselves.

      If you could only see my Cheshire grin. Good job.

  18. Lunabear Avatar
    Lunabear

    Into the Depths
    by Lunabear (with permission to write in TwangyFlame0’s Asgoroth Universe)

    The sea churned as the Father sat on the bench, a lantern clutched in one hand. The Mother retrieved an oar and pushed the boat out to open sea. The taciturn silence was looming and foreign between them. He attributed it to her grief over their lost son.

    The surrounding darkness encroached upon the small boat as it came to a stop. The Father, frightened, swung the lantern in a wide arc in an attempt to pierce the black veil.

    “My darling, why do you not speak? You are never silent for this long.” The Father gripped her upper arm but snatched back his hand at the slimy feel of her skin. Using the lantern light, he examined the clear viscous fluid as he spread his fingers apart.

    “Who are you?!” the Father demanded as a cold drizzle descended. A low, sinister humming emanated from the Mother. Turning her around, and shoving the lantern into her face, the Father was startled to see purple skin, a squid-like face and darkened yellow eyes beneath the facade of hair.

    The oar connected with the Father’s head, the lantern falling and extinguishing. He went overboard, facedown. A deep, watery chuckle followed the Father as a large hand pulled him beneath the opaque surface.

    Even if the vice-like grip around his ankle were not present, he would still have difficulty as he was not a good swimmer.

    His head wound was bleeding profusely, and he floundered about as he struggled to reach the surface and see through the inky blackness. He struck out with his foot against the unseen enemy, hitting something solid. However, two meaty arms encircled the Father’s torso, crushing bone and organ alike.

    The Father’s final moments were spent in pain and confusion.

    The second, larger squid-like creature released the Father’s prone body, and a group of summoned fish dragged it to the bottom for feasting. The creature then breached the surface of the water.

    “Who is next, dear brother?” Olect asked from the boat.

    “Every last mortal, my brother.” Ovard replied, the Sunken King’s crest resting against his chest.

    1. WolfsbaneX Avatar
      WolfsbaneX

      Nicely done. This was dark. I was reminded of Izanagi and Izanami in Japanese mythology, but with a much more grim outcome. It makes me interested who the Sunken King is and what he’s going to do next. The reveal is well done and the kill was brutal without being gory. Good job.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so much, Wolfsbane. Twangy’s world is ripe for horror. The hardest part was setting everything up and producing atmosphere. I’m so, so glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for your feedback and review! They are most appreciated.

    2. Twangyflame0 Avatar
      Twangyflame0

      I have not been able to do much with these two outside of brainstorming, so I am glad you did them justice. It feels so creepy and unnerving. As someone who hates deep waters, imagining Ovard coming out of the deep to drag someone down is terrifying for me. And I love the differences in Olect and Ovard. Olect uses cunning and manipulation, while Ovard just attacks. I can just see this all happening during a giant ocean storm. Oh, and those last two paragraphs are so great. It’s just so chilling because neither of them says anything, and then at the end, you realize that these things have at least a human level of intelligence. So amazing. Very well done.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        I am incredibly happy that you are pleased with the story. And I’m so glad that I was able to do them justice for you. It’s good to know that the atmosphere is just as unnerving as it is supposed to be. Thank you for allowing me the honor of writing in your world this week, as well as thank you for your review. It was such fun!

    3. Skye Doust Avatar
      Skye Doust

      Whoooo… captivating. You got the essence of that reversal excellently. All the fishies wanting to get the humans; hook, line, and sinker.
      The mounting dread is well built up, you give clear indication something is amiss and as the reader we know something bad is going to happen. Holding that tension for long enough for the payoff to be efficient is a fine line and I believe you achieved that well here.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you, Skye! I had a ton of fun with this story, and I thank you for your review. I’m really glad those beats hit for you and that you enjoyed it. Twangy’s world is such an interesting, unique one to explore.

    4. DesOttsel Avatar
      DesOttsel

      I like it, but I think I would have liked it more if the prose was a little more dramatic, descriptive, and in scene. Instead of saying He’s not a good swimmer, describe how he swam. Instead of his bones and organs being crushed, describe how they popped and crunches and crackled, how the blood dyed the water, slowly drifting around him before his corpse was dragged down to the depths.
      Also, would have been fun to get some sailor-esque dialogue instead of who are you. Something akin to Dafoe in The lighthouse, but word counts are a thing, and it was still a good piece.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        The Father isn’t a sailor, though, so sailor talk wouldn’t have been appropriate here. The focus is more on the brothers and their cunning and disdain for humanity. If the word limit were not a factor, I would have added more detail. Thank you for your review.

    5. Tale Foundry Avatar
      Tale Foundry

      ohoho! I really thoroughly enjoyed this one, Luna~

      I’m sorry I didn’t get around to reading sooner, but you’re aware of why.

      That aside, this piece gave me CHILLS! I could see the imagery *perfectly* and the pacing was sooo good. This was an amazing read. The atmosphere, the word choice, the descriptions. Everything was so chilling and great.

      Another marvelous piece of writing. Well done, Lunabear~

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you, Dukks! No need to apologize; it’s perfectly understandable. I’m glad everything came through. Twangy’s world is perfect for creating tension. Your review is appreciated. ❤️

    6. I really like the sense of mystery this story has. It really leaves me wanting to know more about the characters and the world. The descriptions were all very well done and creepy in their own ways. The sense of hopelessness and desperation of The Fathers last moments are very well told.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you, Deviacon! I’m glad everything flowed well. I also appreciate the love for the atmosphere. I wasn’t sure how well that would resonate. Yeah, Twangy has amazing characters, and the brothers were incredibly fun to write.

    7. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      This was quite the horror story indeed. You think it’s going to be a scene between the Father and Mother, but that very rapidly changes into a tale about the mobus operendi of a very different pair of people indeed.

      I find it especially interesting that the Father, despite it being from his perspective, and the Mother are never named, while Olect and Ovard are. Is that an indication of the true perspective viewing this story, in that the brothers don’t care in the slightest what the names of their prey are? Then again, the Mother reads as ‘her’ until the Father realises what they really are so maybe I’m overthinking that part a tad. XD

      This scene in any case was really awesome and intimidating, I could see this like it was right out of a movie, with clearly indicated actions and great pacing. Now I want to see Twangy use these characters more too! 😛

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you, Calliope! You hit the nail directly on the head! The Father and Mother are so named because the brothers do not care about humanity; they wish to see it flooded and returned to the ocean. From the Father’s perspective, “the Mother” is deemed “she” because that’s how he perceives Olect until the reveal.

        I hope the change in perspective wasn’t too rapid. I was trying to let it linger in certain spots beforehand.

        Twangy’s world is really fun to explore. Thank you again for your review.

  19. Sam Holt Avatar
    Sam Holt

    My Parents’ Funeral
    By Sam Holt (Fictional, but set in the real world)

    “O tragedy. What tragedy has befallen us.” the priest said, numbly. “We gather here today to mourn the loss of two souls: Jazmine and James Oxville. The dearly departed: lovers, saints, heroes, parents. These two, tragically taken from us in an unfortunate accident, were some of the kindest Christians I ever came to know.”

    “How awful.”

    “Quite horrible.”

    “Such a shame.”

    “The tragedy.”

    I still can’t believe it. My parents are gone. Why? What did I do?

    “I am certain they find themselves in a better place. And now, if you would please open your hymnals to page 3453, and join us in singing Death is Only a Dream.”

    I fumble with the book, as my… uncle, I think, helps me hold it up. I don’t know this one. The song passes. It’s okay. This whole funeral thing just feels okay.

    “We will now take a moment to hear from the only son of the departed, aged but 7 years old.”

    I get up and take out the paper. There’s a lot of clapping. It’s really loud. I try to look at the paper. Look at the paper. The clapping dies down, and the priest pipes up: “He wrote this speech himself.”

    Look at the paper. Not the words.

    “I wanna say thanks to my mom and dad. They gave me a very happy home and fed me good food. They drove me to school every morning and… and took me to the fair every summer. And they… and they…” The paper, not the words. “They made me really happy… and…” Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. “I’m gonna miss them a- a lot… a-and…” You’re crying. Stop it. That’s bad.

    “I’m scared!” This isn’t on the paper. “I want my mommy! I want my daddy!” What are you doing? “Where am I gonna live? What am I gonna do? The world is too scary! I wanna go home! I don’t wanna be a grown-up!”

    Say sorry. Say sorry now. “I… I… I’m sorry. I know mommy said crying doesn’t fix anything but, but, I’m sorry. It’s hard.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Oh, Sam. This is incredibly heartbreaking. This story hits me square in the gut. This coming July will mark a full year since my mom died. It’s devastating, and I’m still not completely stable. Writing this from first person perspective is a brilliant move. It takes the readers through everything the protagonist experiences. I was almost in tears by the end of. A tragic tale of woe and anguish, and one heartbroken child in uncharted waters. I just want to give him a hug.

    2. What kind of monsters would put a 7-year-old on the chopping block like that expecting him/her to eulogize their parents in their own words? Yet, it felt real especially at the end where the child broke down going off-script. The dynamic of what the child is saying and what is in its head plays off well. I could see that as a script with the unspoken parts being a voice-over. That would be a big book (Hymnal) if it has more than 3453 pages. It might be too big to print. Stephen King ran into that problem with the original draft of The Stand. A realistic read with a great structure.

    3. Wow, that was an extremely emotional read. I can only imagine how a child would feel going through something like the death of their parents, let alone having to say a speech at the funeral. The last phrase hits way too close to home, which makes the piece more powerful for me. You did an amazing job on this piece, my friend! I hope I get the chance to read more from you again!

    4. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      Damn this is powerful, the dialog so good, and the idea had me tearing up. I want to hug this poor kid so much. But now I want to know the parent’s story, how did they die? Why are they called heroes? And this Demon thing what is that?

    5. Skye Doust Avatar
      Skye Doust

      My heart would go out to this child. These adults, perverse. A part of me wonders if they are doing this to the child as some form of entertainment? No human should make a kid do that. And the way the condolences come doesn’t sound authentic from them. Like lip service.
      Very evocative piece. Well done.

    6. Damn, that hit real close to the heart. Even before they state the characters young age, the way you write their voice makes it very clear how young they are. The constant battle of inner thought and external speech of the main character are very well done and relatable. It’s incredibly heart wrenching.

  20. GJFuller Avatar
    GJFuller

    Chosen by the Angels (Angels of Alicia by frogfireFantasy : Permission granted by the creator)
    By Giovanna J. Fuller

    “I’m never going back to school!” Were the first words out of Laurie’s mouth when she got home from her first day at her new high school. She threw her book bag down on the kitchen floor and stomped down the hall to her room. 

    She slammed her bedroom door behind her and threw herself onto her bed. After a few seconds she began to scream into the mattress and punch and kick it until all her energy was drained. The faces of everyone at school flashed through her mind. How they talked behind her back. The way no one seemed to want to pair up with her for anything. She had spent her first day at school in total silence and completely alone.

    Unwanted.

    ‘I hate Gabrielston. It’s a stupid name and it’s full of stupid people.’ She turned over on her back and moved to look out the window. It was nice outside and it just made her hate the town even more.

    However, the glittering of water caught her eye.

    ‘I thought dad was putting the koi pond in next week.’ She got up and peered out the open window. She leaned out her window. ‘Why is it right under my win-.’

    “Hello, Laurie Music.” A clear voice reached her from within the pod. Then an image materialized in the glistening pool. It was a woman. She was beautiful, ethereal even. “We are the Angels of Alicia and we want you to join us.” The woman extended her hand. “Will you?”

    Wanted. They wanted her. Laurie nodded her head.

    The woman opened her arms, inviting.

    She leaned further and further out, letting the woman’s kind eyes pull her further and further out until.

    SPLASH.

    She fell into the water’s depths.

    “Don’t worry. It’s quite safe.”

    It was bigger than it seemed. She was floating in the water, but it wasn’t cold or uncomfortable. “Now…what do I do?”
    
    The woman took Laurie’s hands and guided them so that they were placed over the girl’s heart, left over right. “Repeat after me…”

    1. Carolus V. Avatar
      Carolus V.

      I love the surreality surrounding this piece. It reminded me of something Gabriel Garcia Marquez would write in the vein of magical realism; the world we know and it’s foundations are being overhauled on a fundamental basis to support a fascinating narrative dynamic and create a deeply unique feel to things. I quite like this one! Thanks for sharing.

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Ooooh, GJ! I adore a good dose of magical realism! I can also relate to Laurie’s frustration, anger, and rejection revolving around not being accepted. Isolation is never fun. There’s also some beautiful imagery.

      Two critiques:
      1. stopped (stomped) down the hall to her room. Paragraph 1
      2. It’s a stupid name and its (it’s) full of stupid people. Paragraph 4

      Beyond these, it’s quite well done. I also love that it seems as though Laurie is going to become a sister. It’s a sad tale turning into an optimistic one. I hope it goes well for her
      Great story!

    3. As someone who attended seven different schools (three elementary, two middle, and two high schools) I know what it’s like t have that fish out of water never gonna fit in feeling that a new school can bring. The last part is the water angel thing gives this a feeling like the true story is just teased. There’s also this almost Coraline feeling to it. Fascinating read.

    4. Twangyflame0 Avatar
      Twangyflame0

      Even though I know Angels of Alicia is an altruistic group, I am very concerned about this recruiting process. Even though it’s a girl escaping her crappy life into something much, I’m very off-put by how cult-y this feels. The angel is very vague, she appears to the girl at a low point, and the girl is probably very young doesn’t know to question it.

      This isn’t to say I don’t like the story or anything. It is a very wonderful story. And the fact that you made me uncomfortable is just another of way saying that this is a good piece. I’m just stating my observations. Very well done.

    5. Matthew (Handsome Johanson) Avatar
      Matthew (Handsome Johanson)

      This is really good! I could quite easily read this in both yours and froggy’s voice which is kind of mind blowing to me 😀 You really captured her world very well! As others have mentioned, this does feel like a cult indoctrination. It felt like the mysterious beautiful woman was love bombing poor Laurie who was feeling unwanted into joining. It give this piece a sinister undertone.

      I only have one nitpick. you write “she began to scream into the mattress and punch and kick it” and the consecutive “and”s are my problem. i\I cant say they are definitely wrong and do not belong. They were just a little awkward for me. but that’s really grasping at straws xD you did really well as always GJ 😀

    6. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      I can deffo agree about the culty indoctrination stuff that the others have talked about. Of course I imagine part of the justification for such methods is that the Angels probably have much better knowledge of who would be suitable for recruitment than the average human cult would, but that’s putting a loooot of trust in their system having no flaws whatsoever (which, judging by the fact that Angels have deffo ‘gone bad’ before, is certainly something to be wary of).

      I’m also interested, though you may not be able to answer it ofc: what exactly do the parents even think happened when their child just gets disappeared in a supernatural manner? Is Laurie’s recruitment her parent’s tragedy? Or worse, if people somehow suspect the parents are actually responsible for said disappearence. Unless instead Angel magic just like psychically ‘filters out’ Laurie’s absence from everyone else’s lives… which sounds even creepier actually? A lot of questions I am going to have to ask Froggy possibly!

      In any case, your actual writing is good for this work! My only nitpick is that “further and further out until.” would probably end better with a ‘until-‘ rather than a full stop, otherwise the action feels a little disjointed. But you wrote this world well, and good work for that! 😀

  21. Matthew (Handsome Johanson) Avatar
    Matthew (Handsome Johanson)

    A Noonday Adventure
    by Matthew (Handsome Johanson) [World Swap with Josiedearly in Emergent Earth]

    It is a picturesque day at the Belrose Nature Preserve. Tall Birch trees sway in the gentle August breeze, and the nearby river softly babbles as it makes its way through rock and tree to the Atlantic ocean.

    On one of the nearby nature trails, Mr and Mrs. Attenborough make their way through the forest together. Camera and binoculars in hand, they keep their eyes peeled on the nearby trees, hoping to catch a glimpse of a beautiful cardinal or sparrow.

    A leaf falls on Mrs. Attenborough’s sun hat, causing her to break the silence.

    “Bird watching is a lot messier than I thought it would be.” she exclaimed in her exasperated but thoroughly proper accent.

    “Nonsense, dear! We’re in the great outdoors. Surely, you expected some filth.” William teases his annoyed wife. She gives him a quick smack.

    “Ouch! Sorry, Jen. It’s just…” He breathed a sigh. “You are always locked up indoors, giving piano lessons, teaching ballet, or explaining the intricacies of quantum superposition at the university.” William looks at Jennifer sympathetically.

    “You do amazing work, dear, but you need to occasionally expand your horizons.” He holds out his hand and she reluctantly grabs it. He gives her hand a gentle kiss and they proceed on their journey.

    Jen gives a long sigh. “I suppose you are right. Besides, being out here with you almost makes it worth it… Almost.” She giggles, breaking her proper demeanor for just a moment.

    “See, you are already enjoying yourself!” William smiles at Jen and they both have a good laugh.

    They continue at a safe pace along the trail, when Jen stops suddenly.

    “What is it dear?” William asks, as Jen suddenly grabs hold of him.

    “There is something terrible on the road up ahead!” she cries.

    “Huh?” He turns back to the road to see the decaying carcass of a dead rabbit.

    Though feeling nauseous himself, William tries to comfort Jen. Then, a loud swooping sound is heard overhead. They both turn just in time to see a large flash of red, leaving nothing but charred earth behind.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is a very grounded approach to the prompt, Matty. I love the personification of the river in the first paragraph. And I really, really enjoy the sweetness between William and Jennifer, and how William is happy to get Jennifer out of her element for a little while because he’s so concerned about her. It’s incredibly sweet. Also, that poor rabbit! The ending was horrendous and scary. Is it a fire? Is it some kind of scavenger to pick up the rabbit? Is it a truck? As usual, really great imagery and characters and character interactions. A wonderful telling.

    2. JosieDearly Avatar
      JosieDearly

      Something terrible lives on the road ahead, indeed. I love what you were able to write despite the mostly nebulous details I was able to give you. XDD

      I don’t know if you intended it, but I like how this connects with the prompt via Jen’s discomfort of being outdoors in the mess and muck, instead of being inside where it’s probably much cleaner. Then it connects even more by putting them in a dangerous situation; as a fish out of water spells death unless it can get back in, the couple being out with that creature nearby is also endangering.

      I can’t help being enticed by that ambiguous ending. What is that red? Blood, fire? Probably fire. I hope the Attenboroughs are okay though!

    3. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      I did like the dynamic between these two characters here, though I was initially like ‘is this fanfiction of David Attenborough?’ at first. XD But once I had confirmed that wasn’t the case, seeing them have a jolly old time in the woods was rather sweet and nice.
      Well, until the Whatever That Thing Was comes along. A rather jarring end to that tale, I’m not super sure what to make of it – though certainly it makes me want to know more about it!

    4. GJFuller Avatar
      GJFuller

      I really liked that first paragraph. It really set the mood for the rest of the piece as a sort of lazy, summer afternoon. Because of that, it also made me slow down in reading it. Which is why that ending threw me off that nice mellow feel! It was like being hit by a car (in the best way I promise you).
      As a whole, this feels like the beginning of an X-Files episode. It starts off with a really normal place and then something terribly supernatural/creepy happens and then the intro hits!
      I’m not acquainted with the world, but I feel like I should be now…
      Good work!

      1. Matthew (Handsome Johanson) Avatar
        Matthew (Handsome Johanson)

        yay! that’s the exact feeling i was going for 😀

  22. ClockworkPigeonz Avatar
    ClockworkPigeonz

    “Adrift”
    By: ClockworkPigeonz

    Choppy, mud-grey waves lapped at Fyrefly’s hull. Every now and then something black and oily tried to grab onto the crimson surface.

    Silas stared over the railing and tried to believe that the eyes peering back were his own.

    “C-Cobalt?”

    No answer but the roar of the wind-tossed river.

    The trees on the distant shore had gone a bit…purple. At least, Silas thought they were trees. It was perfectly normal for trees to shuffle around on their roots like millipedes. To crowd up to the river’s edge like a curious herd of bison. To stalk the vibrant, red ship floating helplessly downstream…

    …in this world at least.

    One of the trees tentatively put a root into the water.

    Silas’s grip tightened around his rifle. A sound that was decidedly not a whimper catching on his tongue.

    The river narrowed up ahead.

    “Cobalt!” He stepped back into the darkened cabin, locking the door behind him.

    Using the screen on his gauntlet, he navigated down the steel steps and past darkened control panels. A faint glimmer of light and a litany of curses steadying the frantic thrum of his heart.

    “I think…I’ve got the transporter workin’ again!” wheezed Cobalt- a towering mass of wings and muscles; who was just squeezing her way out from between a set of coolant pipes.

    “Good.” Silas replied, clipped and high-pitched.

    “What’s wrong, Dove?”

    “You’ll see.” he squeaked, leading the way back up the steps.

    Outside the windows and over Fyrefly’s bow, Silas could see the low hill where the river curved. He could also see the mass of gnarled, shambling “trees”.

    “What in the Sam-Hill is that?” Cobalt screeched, already bolting for the captain’s chair.

    “Trees.” Silas stated.

    “Hell, no!” she shot back.

    The engine turned…spluttered…died.

    Turned again…

    …and roared blessedly to life.

    Quickly, Cobalt took control, pointing the ship back upriver and slamming down on the thrusters. The ship’s wings unfolded and for a moment threatened to dip down into the waves. But soon enough Fyrefly lifted up into the strange, green sky and vanished in a screaming halo of light.

    The trees “waved” goodbye.

    1. Sam Holt Avatar
      Sam Holt

      oooOOOOoooo! Very nice. I like the dialogue between Silas and Cobalt. If I HAD to find a problem with it, it would be that I’m a bit unclear on why they feel so threatened by the ‘trees,’ but other than that the characters are solid. The world is interesting and the pacing is snappy.

      1. ClockworkPigeonz Avatar
        ClockworkPigeonz

        Thank you, I’m glad you liked it! I kind of tried to make the ‘trees’ seem malevolent, but I’m not quite sure if I’ve pulled it off…they could be friendly- but would you really want to get close enough to find out? A group of tall, skinny things that look vaguely like a cross between a tree and Siren-head, which move around on hundreds of little root-legs was what I was going for. Something familiar but decidedly not normal…if that makes any sense? Originally I was going to have the ‘trees’ attack the ship, but I wanted to have enough room in the story to show Cobalt and Silas managing to get away.

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Clockwork, this is a pulse-pounding story! You clearly define the rules of the setting, and you show Silas’s unease from the outset. It’s also a fantastical world that they’re placed in, and I really would love to see more of it. I wonder what the trees wanted. Are they sinister? Regardless, it was very tense reading about Silas and Cobalt trying to escape. Also, the name of the ship is really excellent. They were out of their element oh, and they booked it as soon as trouble reared its head. Although, have you written about Silas before? I feel like I remember reading a story of yours that involved him. A great entry!

      1. ClockworkPigeonz Avatar
        ClockworkPigeonz

        I’ve been giving the ‘trees’ a little more thought and I may work with them a little bit more! I kind of envision them as sinister creatures, kind of like Venus-fly traps…just a bit more sentient. And Silas showed up in the story I wrote for the False Gods prompt- though he’s more in his element working with false prophets than he is with this moving, breathing tree-line!

    3. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      Oohh I loved this! Such an alien and weird setting, where even the water is far from normal and the trees quite certainly are not actually trees! I especially liked the colour contrast of the grey muddy waves and black oily *things* with the crimson hull of the ship. In fact, all the colours of this place were ‘wrong’ and it really added to the effect.

      I know you wanted the trees to be more explicitly malavolent, but I actually kinda liked the framing they had here. You don’t *know* if the trees are actually dangerous or just curious (not to say both things cannot be true at once), but this world is so freaky that these characters refuse to leave it up to chance. And apparently a good thing too! Thanks for writing a great scene! :3

  23. Lari.B.Haven Avatar
    Lari.B.Haven

    The orange thief
    By Larissa (Laribhaven) with permission of Claire (Ligdaed world swap).

    Mira’s head spun in confusion, she could see the faces of all the ship crew members looking at her puzzled. There were at least twenty men in the storage room, it wouldn’t be easy to escape, even in the best of the scenarios.

    “Captain! We found our little rat!” One of them screamed after she was cornered near the rum barrels.

    She held a defiant look, even if she was afraid, she wouldn’t show them.

    “So you found our orange thief!” The strong male voice quickly navigated the crowd with unnerving patience.

    “Yes, it’s me!” Mira raised her voice trying to summon confidence.

    She clenched her fists and locked eyes with the man in front of her. The tall man looked amused with a smug on his face.

    “So you sneaked into my ship and thought you wouldn’t face any consequences?”

    “I don’t care what happens to me now! It’s high sea! I ain’t going back to dry land and I ain’t afraid of sharks!” She spoke with anger to hide her panicked heart pounding against her ribcage.

    The captain laughed saying:

    “She ain’t afraid of sharks, guys!”

    Now the whole crew accompanied the laugh. He held one hand over his head.

    She swallowed and closed her eyes shut on instinct.
    She waited for a punch, a slap, or even the sweeping motion of a sword, but nothing happened.

    She then opened her eyes still in a state of despair, the tears she was holding, now cascaded off her face.

    “Oh sorry! Didn’t mean to scare you. Like you said, there is no going back!” He extended one hand while holding his hat with the other. “Does the lass have a name?”

    “M-Mira” she said in a weak voice.

    “I’m the Captain of this ship, it’s a pleasure to meet you, young lass!” He smiled. “Well Mira, if you want to earn that food, you have to work hard like everyone else. We are going to land soon but until then…”

    He helped the girl stand on her feet and winked.

    “Welcome to the crew Mira!”

    1. Twangyflame0 Avatar
      Twangyflame0

      Aaaaaaaaaahhh, I don’t know why, but imagining a pirate looking fellow helping and carrying for a young child is so cute. I really like the tension of this, even I was expecting something really bad to happen. But it all turned out well, in the end, and that makes me very happy. It’s a pirate’s life for this girl! Very well done.

    2. MysteryElement Avatar
      MysteryElement

      This sounds like the start to a wonderful adventure. I don’t know why, but Captain Shakespeare from Stardust comes to mind. If she remains a member of the crew I hope she gets a nickname like Orange-Thief or Clementine, and becomes the rogue of the party.

    3. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      The subversion of this story is really good, Lari. I love the bravery that Mira shows and how the captain is so willing to extend a hand to her and have her join his crew versus throwing her overboard. It’s also quite an interesting risk given that he knows nothing about her other than she’s an orange their. Pirates on the high seas: sounds like epic adventures await.

      A few critiques:
      Spinned (spun) Paragraph 1
      The tall man looked amused with a smug in (on) his face. Paragraph 6

      This is a sweet story with the great optimistic ending. And I love that although Mira is out of her element, she still shows a brave and determined attitude. Great story!

      1. LaribHaven Avatar
        LaribHaven

        Thank you Luna, I corrected the parts you pointed out.

    4. Tale Foundry Avatar
      Tale Foundry

      Ooh I love this!
      You wrote this so well!
      Mira trying to swallow her fear and act tough was amazingly shown. And the twist at the end of the Captain being a kind soul is wonderful! I’m a big sucker for twists like this, where the big scary guy is a soft sweetheart.

      There are a few spots that could use commas;
      [even if she was afraid, she wouldn’t show them.]
      [“She ain’t afraid of sharks, guys!”]
      [Like you said, there is no going back!”]

      Separately, this should be capitalized, and have a full stop.
      [“M-Mira.”]

      But considering these are my only nitpicks, I’d say you did an outstanding job!

      1. LaribHaven Avatar
        LaribHaven

        Thank you Dukki, I’m really glad you think I’m getting better. I will correct what you pointed out!

  24. MysteryElement Avatar
    MysteryElement

    How it Began
    By MysteryElement

    A lone fisherman sat at the cliff’s edge, his line cast out into the unending expanse of sky and clouds. Some of the children called him either crazy or foolish, but there were still some of us old enough to remember his arrival. His ship had flown through the sky, clouds lapping at the hull like seafoam before he anchored at the cliff. He had disembarked, fishing pole and tackle in hand, before the ship faded away into misty wisps.

    Every day since, he sat on that cliff casting out his line and reeling it back in a methodical repetitive rhythm. Everyone had asked why he came and what he was fishing for, but he only ever smiled. Eventually, almost everyone stopped asking. As far as I knew, I was the only one who still did.

    “Mornin’ Lionel. Catch anything today?”

    He turned to look at me and smiled, as always, before returning his eyes to the sky. I don’t know why I started calling him Lionel. The idea had come to me as suddenly as the notion to share my lunches with him, but he did not seem to mind. That particular morning as we sat together, my mind had been wandering when I noticed a tug on the line.

    I honestly thought I had imagined it before the line leapt forward, Lionel frantically pulling the line taut. I scrambled up from my seat and tried to help, holding onto him as I anchored my feet to the ground, but it was not enough. We were slowly being pulled to the cliff’s edge.

    I could have let go, sure, but the thought didn’t even occur to me at the time. I held on with everything I had, refusing to let go as we were both pulled over the edge. When I opened my eyes again, I was on the deck of a ship. Lionel was grinning next to me, and flopping around us was a blue and silver fish with translucent scaled wings. That, my dear, is how Uncle Lionel and I began our great adventure.

    1. Like a bedtime story told to what I am assuming a child. The idea of the crazy man who just didn’t fit is a good fit for this week’s prompt. I wonder what kind of ship it was, and while I don’t know why, the song Come Sail Way by Styx came to mind. That whole idea where like the song, the story starts one mindset and ends with a state of mind. Great Read.

      1. MysteryElement Avatar
        MysteryElement

        Thank you! That song fits surprisingly well, though at the time the song running through my head was The Islander by Nightwish lol I think I like Come Sail Away a little better

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Mystery, this is extraordinarily engaging! I love how it starts in realism but then it slowly escalates into high fantasy. This feels like the setup to a really Grand life of adventuring. I would definitely love to know more about “Lionel” and the protagonist. I love that he is fishing in the sky instead of water. this has a dreamlike quality to it because of the ships and the way that the story handles atmosphere. it reminds me of flying fish from a video game, though, I don’t remember which one. But it was definitely a fantasy one.

      These are the only critiques I have.

      Everyday (every day) since(,) paragraph 2

      taught (taut) paragraph 5

      It’s an intriguing story, and definitely one that I would love to read more about. It’s a fascinating world. Great job!

      1. MysteryElement Avatar
        MysteryElement

        Thank you, Luna! I went ahead and adjusted the typos. I kind of wrote this on a whim but fell in love with the idea, and your feedback makes me want to write more about these characters.

    3. Oh lord, I loved this piece so much! Before I could even read the last word, I found myself dragged into the story like how the line dragged the narrator and Lionel over the cliff. The magic realism in the story made it even more pleasant to read. I always enjoy reading your works, MysteryElement; I hope you continue to write such amazing stories!

      1. MysteryElement Avatar
        MysteryElement

        Thank you, so much. I can not express how happy it makes me, knowing you enjoy my writing. Your feedback is really encouraging, and I want to improve so I can keep writing and create greater.

    4. Wow. This was a ride. Did not expect us to go full-out fantasy adventure there, but the story had me bound as tautly as the fishing line.

      My favourite part of this has to be the flow this has to it. Once you start reading the opening paragraph, there is absolutely no stopping until you’ve reached the end. I was just absolutely pulled in by the current here. The way you establish a mystery in the first paragraph, carefully develop the idea in the next one and smoothly introduce our narrator at the same time is very well done. The switch from narration to dialogue right there especially helps keep it moving.

      Also, this “Fish Out of Water” is quite clever, I gotta say. That’s probably about the most literal interpretation you could have.

      So, a quick note: at the end of the second-to-the-last paragraph (“… cliff’s edge”) you’re missing a period.

      Now, this piece was really good. It felt exactly like some kind of tall-tale story a parent would tell to their kid before bed. This is very well done. Good job, mate.

      1. MysteryElement Avatar
        MysteryElement

        Thank you, I am really glad you liked it. I didn’t really plan this one out and was worried about the flow, so I am glad you thought it was smooth.

        and I went ahead and added the period XD

  25. WolfsbaneX Avatar
    WolfsbaneX

    “The Foreign Diplomat”
    By Hemming Sebastian Bane (World Swap Collaboration with Connor/Dragoneye)

    The sea breeze ruffled through Jaoti’s feathers, chilling him to the bone. Today was his first day in New Fenris. As the ship pulled into the harbor, the sailors busied themselves weighing anchor and docking. The captain, a blond man with tanned, weathered skin, stepped onto the deck.

    “Well, sir, we’ve made it,” he said with a nod.

    Jaoti bowed. “A thousand thank yous. May your voyages be blessed by the wind and the currents be easy.”

    Surprised, the captain nodded. “Your Volifenish is very good.”

    “I am honored by your praise,” the bird-man said.

    The captain sighed as some of the crew balanced the gangplank between the deck and the dock. Stretching and complaining of his lack of hair of the dog, the captain went ashore, nodding to a larger fellow. He nodded back before training his eyes on Jaoti. The Ru-Visha followed the man off the ship. A sense of ease washed over Jaoti as he set foot on the wharf. He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes.

    “Hey, pea brain!” a voice shouted.

    Jaoti’s eyes snapped open. Who had said that?

    “Yeah, you, bluebird,” the voice came again.

    Jaoti looked around until he noticed the man the captain had nodded to earlier.

    “Get a move on! I’m a busy man and I don’t have the time for you to lollygag on my wharf!”

    Jaoti bowed to him before calling, “A thousand apologies. I shall depart.”

    The man grunted in disgust as the Ru-Visha walked into town. White drops of cold fell on Jaoti’s beak as he trod down the cobblestone streets. His feet were freezing. However he couldn’t help but take in the sights. The children playing, the vendors chatting with patrons, they were so warm for a place so cold. Well, to each other. Whenever they stared at him, there were only cold stares and glares.
    
    Jaoti quickened his pace down the road, hoping to find the embassy.

    1. Twangyflame0 Avatar
      Twangyflame0

      Bird people, yeah! I don’t know what kind of bird Joati is, but he seems like a good birbo. I like this a lot. You, as the reader, feel like a fish out of water as much Joati does. I personally got lost in my own imagination just trying to imagine where Joati was at, the many different races, the smells, the sights, and the breeze. I also like the slight discomfort Joati feels at the climate. It would be natural for someone not from a place. Very well done.

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is incredibly sad and isolating, Wolfsbane. You can feel Jaoti’s pain and lonliness. but I do like the small spark of hope that he has at the end. I honestly hate how they use him for their own purposes and simply discard him when they’re done. Prejudice and discrimination are heartbreakers. I do like the captain, however. He does not seem to like Jaoti any more than the others do, but he at least gives him a modicum of respect. I would definitely love to know more about this world.

      This is my only critique.

      White drops of cold feel (fell) on Jaoti’s beak

      This is a heart-wrenching yet beautiful story because of the end. I like the tone, and it really makes you feel for him. I hope that he keeps that spark of hope and not allow the world to turn him as cold as the people in it seem to be. Great story.

      1. WolfsbaneX Avatar
        WolfsbaneX

        Thanks, Luna. I did not catch that.

    3. Ah man. I love this. It makes me sad, but I love it. The tone and style for this one were absolutely spot on for what you were trying to accomplish imo. Well done.

      I think my favourite part of this piece definitely has to be the *way* you wrote it. Jaoti’s thoughts definitely feel optimistic to me, and it forms an interesting contrast to the unfortunately unfriendly reception he’s receiving from the locals – it’s a weird, completely unrelated comparison, but it kinda reminds me of Tears for Fears’ “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” in a way; despite being rather sad and bitter in actual content, there’s a certain optimism to how it’s narrated that makes it feel hopeful to me all the way to the end. Great job with that.

      Grammar-wise, it’s solid. No real issues. It reads quite nicely I think.

      By the way, is Jaoti speaking in a more formal register of the language? I get the vibe he is (possibly intentionally since he seems well-versed in it). Also, what is “lack of hair of the dog?” That phrase caught me by surprise, and now I’m very curious what it means. In addition while I’m at it, I’m curious as to the cause (if there is a single large one) of the antipathy displayed towards Jaoti here. Is it just a longstanding thing, was it caused by something that happened earlier in the setting, or…?

      Huh. My one question morphed into several. Oh well.

      Anyway, this piece was spectacular. You definitely knocked this one out of the park, Wolf. Well done.

      1. WolfsbaneX Avatar
        WolfsbaneX

        “Hair of the dog” is an alcoholic beverage to treat a hangover. As for setting questions, Connor would know more about that.

  26. The Universe is Held Together with Duct Tape

    By Mike Collins (Lakemoron)

    “Ensign, we’re having a bit of a wobble to the left, check on the platform sensors.”

    “Commander, platform sensor 5 is down, but we can’t replace it while away from the pod.”

    The Commander sat up, “Okay, everyone, look alive. Someone is coming to talk.”

    Sam walked over to the water cooler to talk to the new recruit, “Say hey there… Jim, hows tricks?”

    An Ensign asked, “Commander, what does this mean… Tricks?”

    After an awkward second Jim said, “Hey there.”

    The Ensign smiled, “Commander, I don’t think he meant us to say, hey there.”

    Sam slapped Jim on the shoulder, “Don’t worry buddy, soon this place will feel like home.”

    Jim awkwardly smiled, “Yes, Sam human, this will have the tactile sensation of my human place of residence where I live with my human family.”

    The Commander shook his head, “Will someone check the translator.”

    Sam slowly lost his smile and walked away, accidentally stepping on Jim’s foot.

    The Commander looked around at his team operating the Jim Unit, sent to collect intelligence on the earthing culture within something called a business.

    A lieutenant asked, “Commander, the Sam human attacked us. Should we retaliate?”

    “Negative Lieutenant, I think that was a sign of affection.”

    The Lieutenant shook its head, “Commander, this is a weird planet.”

    The Commander checked the board for any issues, “Ensign what’s going on with the left platform. It’s all red?”

    “Sir, the Sam human stepped on the left platform disconnecting the relays.”

    ___

    Nancy sat at her desk, trying not to stare at this strange new person. No one can remember hiring him. He just showed up one day. He seemed lost like a fish out of water, alien to even the basic social mores. As she sat there, not watching Jim, something caught her eye. A small yellow and green gecko-like creature came out of Jim’s back pocket and made its way to his left foot with what looked like a small roll of duct tape. The creature disappeared into Jim’s pant leg, a moment later, the sound of ripping duct tape.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I really enjoyed the title; it made me laugh so hard. It’s strange that reminds me of a song, or another story that I’ve encountered before. This is a nice piece, Mike. I also enjoyed them prepping Jim before they send him down to earth to do reconnaissance and get the lay of the land.

      The only critiques I have with this are the questions don’t end with question marks. Also, it got a bit hard to distinguish who was talking when

      I do like the part where Nancy looking at Jim & the lizard and being absolutely confused. It is hilarious. It leaves me curious. I would definitely love to know more, like what is their plan? Why are they infiltrating Earth? A fun, lovely read!

      1. I originally had the question marks, but Grammarly kept telling me to take them out. I made a few changes to make it easier to follow hopefully. Thank you for pointing that out. It’s easy to get the story caught up in your head and not realize it only makes sense there and not to the people trying to read it.

    2. JosieDearly Avatar
      JosieDearly

      Wow, I was not expecting that ending.

      The title had me at first, as I wasn’t sure how literally it really was. The dialogue in the beginning was a little hard to follow, as it switched awkwardly between the slugs’ perspective and the perspective of the humans around them, but by the end it all made sense. Turns out the title was indeed rather literal.

  27. MasaCur Avatar
    MasaCur

    The World Beyond (From PitL’s world, Phantasmagoria)
    By MasaCur

    Saveeni slowly came to, feeling the cold cobblestones against her back. Stretching above her were two purplish-grey towers. They looked at least as twice as tall as the lookout tower of her village.

    Slowly she sat up, her body sore from laying on the stony street.

    “Who makes roads this way?” Saveeni asked herself aloud.

    She had set out from her village to find something different. This was about as different as anything she could imagine. She wasn’t sure where this place was. The last thing she knew, her boat got caught in a storm. But it didn’t even look like she was anywhere near the sea.

    She checked herself over. She still had her spear and knife. Her pack was by a nearby pile of rubbish.  Saveeni looped it across her back, then walked toward the nearby intersection.

    It emerged onto a much larger street.  The one she had come from was narrow enough for her to touch both walls, barely a corridor between the two towers. This one was wide, bordered by a number of other towers, the same color as the ones she emerged from between.

    There were so many people. People of all sorts of descriptions. Most were similar to Saveeni; two legs, two arms, one head, walking upright.  They all looked different in their own way, but the bipedal body-type was pretty common.

    It wasn’t universal, however. Mixed in with the other people were a few beings which looked different. A gelatinous orange blob was handing out leaflets at the end of the street, a golden bird-like being with a humanoid face flew across the street in front of her.

    The door next to Saveeni opened, and a blue-skinned man with crystal hair spikes emerged.

    “Hello, excuse me?” Saveeni asked, hoping he would understand her. “Where am I?”

    The man shrugged. “That’s the bakery,” he said, jabbing a thumb behind him.

    “Yes, but what is this place?”

    He shook his head. “Don’t know yet. I’ve only been here a month or two. Everyone calls it The City.”

    1. There’s a series of books (I never read I just saw the miniseries) called Riverworld, where a group of people from different times washed up on a strange place with no memories of how they got there. You created this odd feeling to the piece fitting the theme from a country person in the big city to a human on a strange planet. Very nice. 

    2. MysteryElement Avatar
      MysteryElement

      I really like what you and PitL have done for this prompt. Each of your stories is likened to the prompt on it’s own, but what really connects is you are both writing in worlds other than your own and have made each other the actual Fish Out of Water in this scenario. Very Clever! (copied comment to PitL’s story)

    3. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is a strange, fantastical world, Masa! It is quite interesting, though, that’s Saveeni’s boat blew her all the way in between the two buildings. Unless she passed out from exhaustion in between the two buildings and forgot where she woke up. Which is probably the case. Lol! I really like the uniqueness of the story with the different beings and creatures. Although, in a way, it feels as though the entire city is out of place, especially when the era is not given. it definitely leaves me wanting a lot more. No critiques on this one. Straight praise. Great job!

    4. Oh, poor Saveeni. She don’t know what she’ gotten herself into. I mean, it ain’t all bad! The City isn’t a terrible place to build a new life in.

      So.

      I enjoyed this one. It’s interesting. Honestly, the thing that strikes me the most is something I didn’t expect at all, and it has as much to do with myself as it does with the original story.

      Your vision of the city was so strange to look in on. It’s pretty close to how I’ve imagined it – you transformed those coversations we had into something useful very well, by the way – but it’s just different-feeling enough for it to be like looking through an ever-so-slightly warped mirror. Honestly, I almost felt like a fish out of water myself lol.

      Even better is the fact that a zone of the city could be exactly like this if the right person was viewing it anyway.

      Really, I’d just like to congratulate you for making something so good out of the information I gave you. Your take on the city is incredibly interesting and you did a great job showing the rest of us it as well.

      Now, that being said, lemme get more into the story itself.

      My favorite part would have to be the flair you have while describing the scene, especially with the various creatures. You gave us some very interesting visuals here and a fair amount of variety. I especially like the orange blob with the leaflets (who I will definitely not be kidnapping and forcefully inserting into the dnd campaign as an npc or anything, honest!)

      I do have one thing that I didn’t like as much, but it’s a matter of personal preference since I don’t think there’s anything actually grammatically wrong. The prose occasionally felt a little stop-and-go for me; it may just be me but I do want to be as honest as I can, and it felt a little off, noticeably near the end. Not sure why.

      Overall, this was really good! I’m honored to have had you write in this setting, mate. Well done, Masa.

      1. MasaCur Avatar
        MasaCur

        Thank you very much. It means a lot, and I’m glad that I did a good job in your world.
        I really tried to imagine what the world would look like from the eyes of a newcomer. Especially one that comes from an isolated and primitive society. Saveeni may be an adventurer, but she comes from a village that makes their life off fishing, so everything is going to be fantastical to her.
        The orange blob was one of the first few things I imagined her running into, btw, and it was something I always wanted to stick in.

  28. A Splash of Color
    By PitL [World Swap with MasaCur’s Bureau of Public Safety]

    September 22nd, 1849

    In retrospect, the photograph should have been a red flag.

    Doyle had heard of the infernal things, of course. One didn’t get to be a Detective in the Glasgow Police without a cursory knowledge of the scientific. He didn’t hold with it, himself. An affront to God or some such.

    Clearly he’d missed that they now came in color.

    “Sorry – why’re you here, again?” he asked, staring at the pair of men who had taken up residence inside his crime scene.

    The older of the two shuffled over, nearly knocking a tall stack of papers onto the floor. “Oh! Sorry for the mess,” he said. “I’m surprised the sergeant hadn’t warned you. He asked us to come, after all.”

    Doyle grimaced. “Just give me your names.”

    “Richard and Reid, Mr. Doyle,” the older – Richard – said. “Come now, Reid, get up and introduce yourself.”

    Reid leaned back from the table, carefully laying his dip pen away from his work. “We’ve still got hours to put in yet. There’s no time to spare.”

    “Now now. There’s always time for the niceties.”

    Reid glowered at the policeman. “Alexander Reid, at your service. Junior partner, Bureau of Public Safety, and such, and such.” He spun. “Don’t just stand there, detective. If you’re here you might as well be helpful.”

    Doyle groaned. “I’m confused.”

    It had taken Reid some time to shuffle through the equipment on the desk, but eventually he’d found it.

    A single photograph.

    “Anything strike you as odd about this, Mr. Doyle?” Richard asked.

    Doyle held the picture up to the oil lamp. “Aside from the colors? No.”

    Reid grinned. “Well, that’s too bad. We had such high hopes, didn’t we, Richard?”

    “That we did…” Richard stood. “My apologies, but it seems like you aren’t quite up to snuff. Also, it isn’t just the photograph – you should’ve kept questioning why we were here. Distrust’ll take you far, you know.”

    Detective Doyle fell unconscious before he’d even realized he’d been hit.

    No one believed him, later. Not even his own son.

    1. MysteryElement Avatar
      MysteryElement

      I really like what you and Masa have done for this prompt. Each of your stories is likened to the prompt on it’s own, but what really connects is you are both writing in worlds other than your own and have made each other the actual Fish Out of Water in this scenario. Very Clever! (copied comment to Masa’s story)

    2. Twangyflame0 Avatar
      Twangyflame0

      This one is very interesting. Though I’m curious who is the fish out of water in this scenario. By the end it is Doyle, but I wonder if you can some way point other fish out of water stuff throughout the piece. In the end, I enjoyed it. You set-up the mystery and it payed off in the end with the promise of an even grander mystery. I like that. I have to wonder what grand conspiracy is falling right before my very eye-holes. Very well done.

    3. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Ooohhh, Pit. There is a pervasive unease throughout the entire story, but it doesn’t come to full fruition until the very end. It is quite interesting because Reid and Richard have this espionage element to them that I can’t quite place. Are they MI5? I think that’s the correct British espionage agency. Regardless oh, they have a bumbling aim about them, sort of like the two men from The adventures of Tintin. But I assume that’s on purpose.

      This is the only critique I have

      nearly knocking a tall stack of papers into (onto) the floor. Paragraph 6

      What were they trying to recruit Doyle for? And I love the addition that the color photograph is out of place here because of the year. It is also a very nice touch that they knock him out instead of, you know, murdering him. It also happened to be quite lucky for them that nobody believes his story. Excellent piece, Pit.

      1. Ah. Thanks for the grammar catch there, that one completely slipped by me.

        As for the agency in question, Masa’s world here is centered around a fictional one – the rather unassumingly named Bureau of Public Safety.

    4. This definitely gives me SCP vibes. I really want to know what was odd about the photo, but something tells me that wasn’t actually what they were asking.
      There’s a lot going on here, a lot to unpack, and I’m glad to have been taken along this short journey with Doyle.

      Your characterization is lovely, you show personality very well through such a small amount of words.
      Dialogue, as well, portrayed very naturally and I get a sense of these people as humans.

      I do have two points that are not necessarily issues, but maybe just need a little work? Idk, maybe I’m just not reading it right.

      I am unsure how necessary the final line is, it makes me feel like there’s another story there that I just don’t quite know about.

      The other point I have comes from the beginning of the piece: “He didn’t hold with it, himself. An affront to God or some such.”
      I feel like he’s meant to dislike science because it is an affront to God, but adding the last two words makes it sound, to me anyway, like he doesn’t actually care that its an affront to God.

    5. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      I rather liked the prequel treatment you gave Andrew’s father in this story. The idea that he too would have had an encounter with the Bureau, but unlike his son, Detective Doyle wouldn’t measure up. Not much to actually say in critique. I just thought you did a good job dipping into my world.

  29. Twangyflame0 Avatar
    Twangyflame0

    Riddle Me This
    By Twangyflame0 (with permission to write in Lunarbear’s “Cursed Brothers” universe)

      “Shit! Shit! Shit!” Remy was pacing in a circle, “what bullshit is this!? Ugh!” 

      He held a piece of paper, and looked back down at it again, “Hello you cursed brother. Grim tidings from your other. Down by the place of brine and grime. Follow the compass’s mother. You might get close to your other.” 

      He was beyond pissed at this rate. He was supposed to be the one that got hurt. He was supposed to be the one in danger. 

      “Yet this guy,” Remy talked to himself through gritted teeth, “thinks he can take Cal and get away with it. Oh, this guy has another thing coming for him.” 

      Remy began walking down to the harbor while looking down at the paper. He understood everything about it except for the compass part. What did it mean by a compass’s mother? Like the person that made the compass? And it specifically said mother, so maybe the crafter was a woman? Maybe a particularly fine woman…

      Remy smacked himself in the head, “Nope! Stop that! This is not the time for that, idiot.” 

      The more he looked at the paper, the more confused he got. He wasn’t like Cal who was practically always reading. Remy knew himself to be great, but his brother always seemed to do everything for Remy, especially when it came to this stuff. Cal would have probably figured this out, no problem, but now Remy was stuck with this. 

      “Ugh,” Remy began rubbing his head in frustration, “What would he do? What would Cal do?” 

      He would… He would be calm. Remy had to calm down and think through this. He took a deep breath in through his nose and out through his mouth. He then looked at the paper again. He remembered Cal saying something about riddles mostly being abstract. He had to think outside the box. 

      It probably wasn’t a crafter; there were too many people that could fit that. Probably the same thing for anything that the compasses were made out of. 

      “Wait a second,” the thought came to him like lightning, “it’s north.” 

    1. Sam Holt Avatar
      Sam Holt

      Dope story! I’m a big fan of riddles, they’re cool. The riddle itself was well written but it took me a second to get why north was the mother, but I figured it out eventually. I also really love Remy’s character. He’s got a strong voice with dialogue that is well written, and I like how he goes through a mini-arc through this story to solve the riddle.

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Twangy! I am doing my best to stop squeeing over here! You did a fantastic job of capturing Remy’s personality! I love that he has to think his way to solving the riddle, and I love that there is a riddle in the story! I also love the title! This also takes Remy into a place that I would not have thought to go with him, and I am grateful to you for that. And I love the fact that he stops to think about a woman while trying to figure out how to rescue Cal, because he would absolutely do that! I’ve given my thoughts on this previously, but they absolutely bear repeating. I love this! It was so exciting and fun and challenging swapping worlds with you this week! Bravo!

    3. Please help me and my tiny brain with the riddle. I’ve been looking up symbolism of North and now Google is trying to flood me with pictures of Kim Kardashian’s child.
      The way you end off by mentioning that it might have something to do with what compasses are made of and then have the thought come like lightening makes me think it has something to do with lode stones and iron, but I’m just not making the connection and it’s driving me nuts.
      ><

    4. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      Oooh I see what you two were doing now. You swapped pairs of ominous brothers with each other. XD And the sea is strongly related in both cases too even. Very strong thematic parallel that is.

      And the actual idea of this story is one perhaps often seen but still highly effective – a half of a pair who is usually good at a certain thing is absent, so the other half has to figure it out in a weird and perhaps more inefficient way instead. And you did it very well here! I also really liked how he got distracted by the idea of seducing a woman in the middle of his crisis too. Overall, great work! 😀

  30. Eden rose Avatar
    Eden rose

    Night Time Rendezvous
    By Eden R.

    A lazy smoke fills the air as I lean back in my seat and scan around the room. It was one of those nights where the chill bit you down into the bone. City air is so cold that it makes you almost feel like the living dead. Ha. Jokes. With my drink in hand, I take my time looking over the bar’s patrons. Standard fair, lovers coming in to escape the cold, old grizzled men coming in to escape the disappointment that is life, something I can empathize all too well with.

    Old men, young lovers. Neither of them are what has brought me here tonight. I set down the glass of this sorry excuse for wine and start to scan around the room. Its dim light Doesn’t bother me. It wasn’t often that I’d go out when it wasn’t for a job. I was doing my best to enjoy myself while waiting for my contact. God knows I’m not going to have a good time when they get here.

    Still, here I am, waiting for them to show up. After a moment or so of waiting I take out my smartphone. This Device is magic. Small chips inscribed with gold and copper pulling energy to get it to manifest information. And more importantly, for this it allows for communication with people. I stare at it for a moment. She’s.. meant to be here. What’s taking her so long?

    As if on cue, the doors to this dingy bar open up and the scent of incense and spices fills the room. An elegant woman slides in and scans the place. The holy symbol on her lapel clearly gives away her status as a high ranking priest. After a moment the woman looks around and sees me. With a smile, she comes over and sits down “So, I’m guessing you’re my date then?” I’m shocked, this was my date? Well, fuck me with a holly stake.

    1. WolfsbaneX Avatar
      WolfsbaneX

      From what I know of your character, I was wondering what this had to do with “Fish Out of Water”. Then the priestess entered and it clicked. Nice job. I’d recommend getting someone to help you with the grammar because otherwise, the story is solid.

      Then again, I know this character; not everyone does. So, the “you almost feel like the living dead” joke might be distracting or not make sense until the end. However, the joke and tone of the piece does an excellent job of showing her personality. As for connection to the prompt, it seems like but the priestess and the vampire are both fish out of water here. Nice work.

    2. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      Oh, I like this a lot. The concept is intriguing, and your descriptions make it really immersive. How did a high-ranking priestess end up going on a date with a vampire? No idea! And I love it. Your POV character’s voice really comes through, too. Overall, very solid piece with a very interesting concept. Nice job!

    3. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Eden, I love how snark oozes out of your story. There’s also an undercurrent of sardonic that really brings it together. I also love the irony of a priestess going on a date with a vampire. and also, how the vampire feels strangely out of place given the regulars in the bar. It’s quite funny and well done. I want to see how their date goes after the initial shock, as well as how their characters develop. The descriptions are also fantastic! A very strong, immersive piece.

      1. Eden rose Avatar
        Eden rose

        I’m glad that you like it! I happy that I got that tone right as well as being able to convey her voice well

  31. Glaceon373 Avatar
    Glaceon373

    “New Intern” by Carrie (Glaceon373)

    Aubree glanced between the paper and the sign above the door. Berylston Counseling, its brick facade squished between a restaurant and a hair salon, wasn’t what she’d been expecting. But work was work, and Aubree needed a job.

    That being said, she was two minutes late on her first day.

    As Aubree reached for the door handle, an employee opened it from inside. He was short, with black hair, thick glasses, and a salesman smile. 

    “Hello and welcome to Berylston Counseling! I’m afraid we don’t open for another half hour, but if you want to come inside, we have water, coffee, iced venom—”

    “Sorry, I’m not a customer—iced what?” Aubree glanced over the man’s shoulder into the lobby. Sure enough, there was a table with multiple pitchers, including one filled with ice and green liquid. 

    “Ah, you must be our new intern,” the man beckoned her inside. “Come in, I’ll help you get settled. Find your name on the coat rack, please.”

    “Uh, okay.” Trying to hide her minor panic, she stepped in and immediately found the coat rack. It was even more menacing than the venom pitcher. The wooden monstrosity looked like a leafless tree with arms stretched in every direction. Aubree squeezed around it, looking for her name, before finding it engraved on a branch that hadn’t been there the first time she’d looked at it.

    “Is…is this a magical facility?” she asked as she set her hat on it. 

    “Indeed! We service humans, ghosts, vampires, werewolves—the usual, really. Don’t worry, you’ll just be sitting behind that desk over there, telling people to sit and wait, and use our telepathic phone,” he pointed at a marble landline on the desk, “and if anything bad happens, smack the phone until it turns red. There’s also a flask of holy water in the left drawer for emergencies. Any questions go to me—Damian, by the way—or to anyone on staff. Got it?”

    Aubree took a deep breath. “Probably not, but I’ll figure it out.”

    “Ha! I like your style. Now, what drink do you want?”

    1. Astrid Jones Avatar
      Astrid Jones

      I really liked this piece. It’s adorable to me that she finds the coat rack more intimidating than the pitcher of venom. I also really liked that you didn’t tell us right away that the counseling agency she’s interning at deals with the Other. It helps us as readers feel just as out of place as Aubree seems to. Very nice take on the prompt.

    2. This story could have worked for this prompt or the Key to another world prompt, very nice. The Job reads like a real red-shirt type of position. Interning in a place where most of the clientele will see you as food. It also had the real-world training feeling (where there is actually no training, and you are expected to learn on the go). The only thing I would have changed (and this is more fitting with a salesman bravado) “Ha! I like your stile. So, what’s your poison?” But I can see where that might be a bit old fashion. 

    3. MysteryElement Avatar
      MysteryElement

      This is amazing, and I want more! I like the idea, it just jumps out of left field, but knows it is from left field and expects you to take it in stride. It was not an accident, or a fluke, just something you have not yet encountered and are expected to accept and move on. In a weird way, Damien reminds me of my boss, since I work in sales, and imagining him in a magical setting made me laugh.

      1. Glaceon373 Avatar
        Glaceon373

        Thank you! I’m happy the emotions came across without feeling weird. I’m glad it made you laugh!

    4. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Carrie, this is an uproariously funny story! The pacing is great, the atmosphere that is set is beautiful, and I really like Damien. His interaction with Aubree is genuine and sweet, even if it’s a bit upbeat for where he works. But he’s used to it, I suppose. LOL! You can definitely feel her uneasiness throughout the whole thing. But I definitely think the ending of the story makes up for it as she comes to understand the rules and what she’s supposed to do. I really love the glimpse into this world because it is so inviting and immersive. And I love how casual everything is spoken about. Hilarious, great piece! Brava!

      1. Glaceon373 Avatar
        Glaceon373

        Thank you! I don’t usually try to write comedy, but I wanted to be lighthearted this week. I’m glad you liked it!

    5. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      Well I’m glad this world is one where magic and monsters are a known quantity, otherwise Aubree would have frankly been a fish thrown in magma! Still, there must be so many factors to keep track of in a place like this. I really like how this place is ‘squished’ between two normal buinesses – it really feels like a place hidden between the margins of the normal world, tho maybe that world isn’t very normal if magic is already known anyway. Very well done! 🙂

  32. Astrid Jones Avatar
    Astrid Jones

    15 Minutes
    by Astrid Jones

    Branwen peeked through the door’s window. She had hoped no one would show up; bad weather normally kept people away. Completing her headcount, she leaned against the wall and sighed. 16 bobbing heads waited for her in that room and this door was the only way in or out. Once she entered, she would be trapped in there with them for at least 15 minutes, if not more.

    She could do 15 minutes. It wasn’t a huge amount of time. It would be over before she realized it. Branwen sucked in a deep breath and held it for a few seconds. All she had to do was go in, sit down, read for 15 minutes, then she could go cry in the closet. Easy peasy.

    The door opened and sounds spilled out of the room. Several particularly loud shrieks made her wince as she turned to see who had opened the last barrier between her and the small mob inside.

    “Branny? Are you coming in or not?” Stacy asked, continuing to hold to door open. Branwen could feel 16 pairs of eyes focused on her, now that her hiding place had been exposed, though the giggling and happy screams didn’t stop.

    They can smell fear, she reminded herself. Straightening, she smiled at Stacy and stepped into the room. It’s just 15 minutes, she repeated in her head.

    “If you’re ready for a story, find a seat,” she sang loudly to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It” as she waded through what seemed like a sea of children. She took her own chair as she dodged toddlers fighting over their favorite colored squares on the rug.

    “If you’re ready for a story, eyes on me,” she continued. If the child who was currently edging closer to her while eating a stick of glue touched her, she was certain she was going to throw up.

    Stacy finally noticed the glue-eater and scooped him up, much to his dismay. Branwen let out a relieved sigh and held up the first book.

    “Once upon a time,” she began.

    1. Carolus V. Avatar
      Carolus V.

      I’ve worked with children and I can say that this is astoundingly accurate. You’ve written here a wonderfully lively and human piece. While the way in which it portrays the main character’s anxiety surrounding their current predicament was very well realized, it far from interfered with the way in which the whole piece was structured and the environment itself was described, with it clear that this is a claustrophobic, if playful, setting. That’s something I’ve found myself struggling with when operating under a word limit like this and I think you managed to accomplish this pretty impressively. Really well done!

    2. Twangyflame0 Avatar
      Twangyflame0

      I am not someone who has worked with young children a lot. The times I did were bad and I’m pretty sure I have a grudge against anyone under the age of 7 now. So I cannot even to begin to imagine what that is like while also having your own personal life bare down on, while also hiding your emotions so that you can just do your job. This one hits really hard and can really sympathize with Branwen. Very well done.

    3. What a forking nightmare. No really, other people’s children. This story kind of reminds me of the movie As good as it Gets, where a writer known for his feminist characters is a crass chauvinist. You built a real feeling of anxiety within the story leading into the scariest thing of all, other people’s children. Excellent story. 

    4. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Awwwwww! This is simultaneously sweet and terrifying, Astrid. It takes a brave, brave soul to take on that many children, especially for extended periods! I can feel Branwen’s stress and fear at facing down these children. You do a wonderful job of weaving her inexperience throughout the story. It really does shine through that she is a fish out of water. And it’s quite an inventive take on the prompt. You also do a great job at humor. Excellent story!

    5. WolfsbaneX Avatar
      WolfsbaneX

      Ooh, a Welsh named character! Sorry, I’m going on about something that’s superfluous. Astrid, you have taken something mundane and made it terrifying. My girlfriend works with children, and she would agree that they do smell fear. Branwen’s anxiety or nervousness, whichever it is, is evident in how she wants to respond to the situation. Nice job.

    6. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      Aww the contrast between the relative innocence of the scene and the way Branwen’s fear transforms it is quite something. Not that I would be much better in trying to tell stories to a group of toddlers like that! A great use of the prompt! 😀

  33. Carolus V. Avatar
    Carolus V.

    The Fallen One
    By Carolus V.

    I was walking through a dormant quarter of the city. It was early morning. Things were still asleep here, though the sun was rising. A tense stillness had settled. A maze of tenements and workshops, wreathed in shadow, infested every labyrinthine avenue.

    Today, I was supposed to head out again. For the moment, though, I had time to kill. I could now incubate in the silence of dawning hours.

    I found him cross legged, leaning against a wall.

    He had folded wings with feathers black as soot and a head of long, red hair. His skin was deathly pale. His face was buried in his palm. In front of him lay an obsidian blade, stained crimson along its edge.

    I took a seat beside him, going cross legged too.

    After a while, he withdrew the hand from his face and turned to look at me. His eyes burned with a scarlet flame.

    “What do you want?”

    His voice was alarmingly soft.

    “I don’t know. To sate my curiosity, perhaps.”

    He frowned.

    “You know what I am, don’t you?”

    I paused.

    “You’re an angel, correct?”

    Silence then.

    “You’re half right.” He replied.

    “What do you mean?”

    His expressions grew grim.

    “I claim souls and cast them into the yawning dark. Angels would never dignify that task by doing it themselves. I’m a fallen spirit, deemed somehow unrighteous.”

    The silence resumed.

    “This is the last time I’ll ever use this blade.”

    “Meaning?”

    He gave a defeated smile. A tear of magma tricked down from the corner of his eye.

    “I’m joining them soon. Those I led out of the cycle of death and rebirth. When the sun touches me, I’ll be gone.”

    I sat beside him a little longer, waiting. Eventually, the sun came peeking over a roof, blinding me. It took my eyes a while to adjust. By the time they did he had disappeared.

    I sat stunned a second. Then I got up, heading back for my lodgings. A tear trickled out of the corner of my eye. It stung my cheek like fire.

    1. Astrid Jones Avatar
      Astrid Jones

      This was an interesting read. While fairly self contained, I am left with a curiosity of my own that needs sated. But I think that can only be done with a longer piece. Questions like: was this fallen spirit committing suicide? Because the narrator witnessed his death, does he now become a fallen spirit tasked with bringing death (I’m pulling that from the tear stinging his cheek like fire). Your death-bringer has a very tired, depressed, defeated voice and that feels very… human. At least to me. If that’s the feeling you were trying to convey, then you’ve done a splendid job. Overall, very nice piece.

    2. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      This is such an amazing take on the prompt! What a great concept, and what a great execution, too. I really liked how you kept the tone relaxed yet serious. I feel bad for your POV character: what a depressing way to start a day. Overall, though, this is amazing. Nice job!

    3. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is a sad, poignant story. I really enjoyed your use of red in this piece. It subverts the expectation of anger or passion, and is instead used to represent sadness and melancholy. It brings about a vivacity. You also paint such a beautiful picture. Is the protagonist now one of the fallen? If so, how does that work? is it transferred because he witnesses the fallen one’s death? If that is the case, then that is a frightening realization to come to. I also enjoy how the protagonist becomes the fish out of water because he knows nothing about what he has attained. I do hope that more is forthcoming. Great job, Carolus.

    4. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      The imagery here was super strong. While I have seen tragic fiend-beings die in a sunrise before, it still is a super evocative moment to have and you did this one very well. 😀

  34. revisis Avatar
    revisis

    Vom Regen in die Traufe (From the Pan into the Fire)
    By Exce (In the GB Universe)

    It truly began a few days after her twentieth birthday. As she was walking home late from archery practice, she heard the noise of claws clicking against asphalt, very slowly but steadily getting closer.

    After a few more meters, she steeled herself before spinning  on her heel, ready to face whatever there may be.

    In front of her were three enormous lizards, easily the size of alligators or crocodiles, though they seemed scarily more agile, possessing legs far from stubby and a muscular, lithe body.

    She opened her mouth to scream, but before any noise could escape, the ground beneath them abruptly shook violently.

    Then cracks formed rapidly around the lizards before they were dumped down a sinkhole.

    Blinking repeatedly, she tried to parse what had just happened, but a heavy hand closed around her arm, dragging her away. They vanished down a path leading back out to the fields surrounding the town, with her hopping more than that she walked, doing her best not to fall on her backside.

    They stopped abruptly, and she got her first good look at the figure that saved her: a man with a long beard who made up what he lacked in height with width. He also seemed to wear armour.

    “Hmph, damn hard to find natural rock in your cities…” the man grumbled under his beard before touching his hand to a rock half-buried in a ditch.
    There was a flash of heat and bright light, followed by the sensation of falling,and then an unpleasant landing on hard ground.

    When the stars stopped flashing in front of her eyes, she saw the bearded man leaning over her and another,and another. She sat up only to find herself inside a giant tunnel, torches lighting the walls, then someone spoke up.

    “Ah, Lady Lohwall, I feared we would be too late! It is good to see my Brother managed to save you from those Drakes…”

    Drakes? She gave a loud ridiculing laugh, but as she did, pain speared through her head, and, like someone flicked a switch, everything went dark once more.

    1. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      Oh, this is very interesting! Lots of unanswered questions, and I love all of them. This really captured the feeling of “fish out of water” with all the fast changes in setting and little to zero explanation. I’d love to read more of this, if just for answers to questions. Overall, this is super cool! Nice job!

    2. Twangyflame0 Avatar
      Twangyflame0

      Man, that is not just jumping out of the fire pan and into the fire, that is like jumping out of fire and into lava. I’m too sure what is happening here, but I like what it is promising. I also like the pace of it. You keep pushing us, not allowing a thought to enter our head till the very end. Very well done.

    3. MysteryElement Avatar
      MysteryElement

      I very much feel like a fish out of water in this story, this is a really cool take on the prompt. As I read each sentence I was trying to figure out what setting I was in, and each question received an answer but cropped up two additional questions. A Literary Hydra of sorts. Very good job, I loved the intrigue and the imagination behind this piece.

    4. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I love, love the sense of confusion and undercurrent of fear throughout this story, Exce. what are these frightening sounding creatures that are chasing her? Who are these people who have spirited her away? Where have they taken her? What will she find when she comes out of her unconsciousness? You drape a heavy cloak of mystery over this story, and I absolutely support it. It’s an immersive experience that has me wanting more. Really love this story and the universe you’ve chosen to write in!

    5. Tale Foundry Avatar
      Tale Foundry

      Oho! Very well done, Exce ^^

      If there’s anything I can say, it’s that you captured the essence of Genre Break extremely well~
      A typical walk home can indeed turn on its head and become an unfamiliar situation. Especially with nonhuman species such as this.
      Your pacing was brilliant, leaving the reader as confused as the character, trying to keep up with the changes around them.

      As a Writer for Genre Break, I can say I am very pleased with this. Excellent job.

    6. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      Ah yeah I think I see what this story is going for! Though in this case it feels more like a land animal being dumped *into* an ocean (of earth) than the other way round! In any case, the wild and rapid changes in what was going on super fit the idea of this prompt, without being so chaotic that I couldn’t follow roughly what was going on. Very well done! 😀

    7. Skye Doust Avatar
      Skye Doust

      Excellent establishing shot. Caught my attention right away. Very atmospheric. You can really get a sense of something much bigger than our Protagonist happening around her, some order of magnitude larger.
      Couple of grammar and syntax hiccups, but really minor. Especially in the face of how this snippet of life being exposed to the open water is so well brought to life.

    8. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      I commented to you directly at one point, but I thought I’d leave you a review as well. I really found this one interesting, Exce. You did a great job establishing another setting within the Genre Break world, and I liked the way it went. The mystery of the drakes following the protagonist, and her subsequent rescue were well done. I love the description of her dwarf savior. Good job.

    9. Tale Foundry Avatar
      Tale Foundry

      Oh MAN Excelsius, I absolutely love the shit out of this. I love the imagery that you set up, and the Dwarf character you introduced. Also, it’s a neat take to have Dwarves battling Drakes, that is not a scenario that I thought I needed in my life, but clearly it was! XD

      Also, a fun thing about the GenreBreak universe is the sheer amount of zaney possible outcomes a person can take with it. Whether it be about a school that transforms based on specific genres, or a Dwarf fighting overgrown lizards by creating sinkholes beneath them. Absolutely brilliant.

      I would love to see a continuation for this, cause it is absolutely amazing. You can write for the GBU anytime you feel like it, friend!

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