Writing Group: The Beast Behind the Eyes

Hello, beasts and beast tamers.

Don’t look so afraid. You’ve faced tougher things, haven’t you? Even if you haven’t, this can’t be that hard. It’s all in your head after all, and you have full control there… right? I guess you’re going to find out soon enough, because…

This week’s Writing Group prompt is:

The Beast Behind the Eyes

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

Even from a first glance, this prompt can be so many different things, all equally intimidating. We’ve all encountered beasts of some kind in our lives.

We’ve been that person who set out to complete some sort of task, only to have our fear knock us down and hold us back. That one person who does something selfish or reckless, and the consequences result in a guilt or shame that eats us alive. We’ve made mistakes, and the demons in our minds blow those mistakes up into insurmountable things that stay with us for years to come in the monstrous form of anxiety.

The wonderful thing about this prompt is that it can be shaped into something much less negative, too. Maybe it’s not fear, but a hidden strength that needed to be unlocked through unimaginable means. Maybe it’s a legendary mental power, either newly learned or flexing its true abilities. Maybe the beast is just an insanely high IQ which makes people feel intimidated, even inferior.

What if we took this in a more literal direction? What if these beasts were real? This could be a literal beast manifesting from someone’s bottled anger and hatred, taking shape and either lashing out at the causes of it, or consuming the person it came from. Maybe there’s literal little imps inside someone’s head, whispering horrible untruths to them to make them doubt themselves just for kicks. Maybe it’s a demon who has possessed someone to try and break through to our world. Or perhaps it’s a kind of alien leech that burrows into the brain to claim a host for survival.

Whatever beast you decide to unleash this week, throw us in the ring with it.

Make us tremble in awe.

—Shawna

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

Tune into the stream this Friday at 7:00pm CST to see if you made the cut!

The whole purpose of this is to show off the creativity of the community, while also helping each other to become better writers. Lean into that spirit, and get ready to help each other improve their confidence in their writing, as well as their skill with their craft!

Rules and Guidelines

We read at least six stories during each stream, three of which come from the public post, and three of which come from the much smaller private post. Submissions are randomly selected by a bot, but likes on your post will improve your chances of selection, so be sure to share your submission on social media!

  1. Text and Formatting

    1. English only.
    2. Prose only, no poetry or lyrics.
    3. Use proper spelling, grammar, and syntax.
    4. Your piece must be between 250-350 words (you can use this website to see your wordcount).
    5. Include a submission title and an author name (doesn’t have to be your real name). Do not include any additional symbols or flourishes in this part of your submission. Format them exactly as you see in this example, or your submission may not be eligible: Example Submission.
    6. No additional text styling (such as italics or bold text). Do not use asterisks, hyphens, or any other symbol to indicate whether text should be bold, italic, or styled in any other way. CAPS are okay, though.
  2. What to Submit

    1. Keep submissions “safe-for-work”; be sparing with sexuality, violence, and profanity.
    2. Try to focus on making your submission a single meaningful moment rather than an entire story.
    3. Write something brand new (no re-submitting past entries or pieces written for other purposes
    4. No fan fiction whatsoever. Take inspiration from whatever you’d like, but be transformative and creative with it. By submitting, you also agree that your piece does not infringe on any existing copyrights or trademarks, and you have full license to use it.
    5. Submissions must be self-contained (everything essential to understanding the piece is contained within the context of the piece itself—no mandatory reading outside the piece required. e.g., if you want to write two different pieces in the same setting or larger narrative, you cannot rely on information from one piece to fill in for the other—they must both give that context independently).
  3. Submission Rules

    1. One submission per participant.
    2. Submit your entry in a comment on this post.
    3. Submissions close at 12:00pm CST each Friday.
    4. You must like and leave a review on two other submissions to be eligible. Your reviews must be at least 50 words long, and must be left directly on the submission you are reviewing, not on another comment. If you’re submitting to the private post, feel free to leave these reviews on either the private or the public post. The two submissions you like need not be the same as the submissions you review.
    5. Use the same e-mail for your posts, reviews, and likes, or you may be rendered ineligible (you may change your username or author name between posts without problem, however).
    6. You may submit to either or both the public/private groups if you have access, but if you decide to submit to both, only the private group submission will be eligible.
    7. Understand that by submitting here, you are giving us permission to read your submission aloud live on stream and upload public, archived recordings of said stream to our social media platforms. You will always be credited, but only by the author name you supply as per these rules. No other links or attributions are guaranteed.

Comments on this post that aren’t submissions will be deleted, except for replies/reviews left on existing submissions.


Comments

165 responses to “Writing Group: The Beast Behind the Eyes”

  1. Arith_Winterfell Avatar
    Arith_Winterfell

    “Cut and Burn”

    By Arith_Winterfell

    They will cut.

    They are coming, and they will cut me until I’m not me anymore. Surgery. Their knives digging into my brain.

    If I could just will it. Nothing. The damnable suppression field prevents me from psychokinetically starting fires. Try again, nothing. Again, nothing!

    I can hear them now. Coming down the hall. Their footsteps and the squeak of the surgical gurney’s wheels. They will take me and cut me open.

    I strain against the restraints, struggling violently. I focus my will with everything I have and I see it. Small golden sparks at the hinges of the door. In moments the doors edges are aflame and the smell of burning metal and circuitry fill the room. With a mental push the door falls forward and I erupt into the hallway heralded by flame, the restraining cuffs smoldering at my wrists.

    I can feel the pressure on my mind. The orderlies rush to restrain me, hypodermic needles ready to deliver powerful sedatives. No time for mercy. They shudder and their veins redden as their blood boils and their arteries cook. They slump to the floor, but the doctor has already hit the alarm.

    The klaxons begin their screaming. I have to get out of here. I run pushing through doors and smashing through check points. I see it! A room with a window to the outside. The pressure of the suppression field is crushing to me now. No way but out. With a thought the window erupts outward into a spray of shards, and I leap through.

    I’m outside on a large barren rocky outcropping, and I am outside the suppression field. I feel exultant as fire roils over the lab’s main entrance trapping them inside. From here I can feel it, the fire spilling like water along the floors, climbing like livid tongues up the walls. I hear screaming and I am filled with joy. I can feel them burning. Nurses, doctors, and patients alike burning!

    They will burn!

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Damn, Arith! When you get serious, you hit hard! I absolutely love this! It’s fast-paced, it’s visceral, it’s intense! My heart was pounding throughout the entire read. This is exhilarating! Is this the same person from the previous two installments? Are the ones about him feeling the surgery and the drone? Because if it is, I could absolutely see why he would want revenge on these doctors. But, man, oh man, is this incredibly brutal to read!

      Critiques:

      I focus my will with everything I have(,) and I see it.

      In moments(,) the door(‘)s edges are aflame(,) and the smell of burning metal and circuitry fill the room.

      With a mental push(,) the door falls forward(,) and I erupt into the hallway heralded by flame, the restraining cuffs smoldering at my wrists.

      They shudder(,) and their veins redden as their blood boils and their arteries cook.

      I run(,) pushing through doors and smashing through check points.

      With a thought(,) the window erupts outward into a spray of shards, and I leap through.

      I feel exultant as fire roils over the lab’s main entrance (,) trapping them inside. From here(,) I can feel it(;) the fire spilling like water along the floors, climbing like livid tongues up the walls. I hear screaming(,) and I am filled with joy.

      The above nitpicks are shallow and inconsequential in the grand scheme of the story. I am absolutely astounded by how much is happening in this story! It feels like an action-packed horror, if that makes any kind of sense. (I feel exultant as fire roils over the lab’s main entrance trapping them inside.) This is one of my favorite sentences out of the whole story. This sentence perfectly sums up how the narrator feels overall throughout the story, and I dig that! This is a very cruel story, but excellent. Outstanding job!

      1. Arith_Winterfell Avatar
        Arith_Winterfell

        Thanks for the feedback Lunabear! Actually he isn’t Kebran (the guy from the other two stories). Kebran’s an Imperial pilot. While this character is a dangerous telekenetic with pyrokenetic powers. The ending where he burns patients along with the doctors shows he is indiscriminate in his destructive impulses (which is probably why they arrested him in the first place). The Imperial forces in the story (Think Star Wars evil Empire) basically made dangerous psionics (psychic powers) illegal “for the safety of the populace” (really to protect their secrets and experiment on psionic people). So shades of X-Men in there too.

        1. Lunabear Avatar
          Lunabear

          That is absolutely amazing! I love that so much! Good for him for getting his revenge!

          1. Calliope Rannis Avatar
            Calliope Rannis

            Shame about all the innocent patients of the hospital (edit: oops misinterpreted that, it was a lab) being horribly killed for that sake too! 😛

    2. Tyler Desperado Avatar
      Tyler Desperado

      Oh I am a sucker for psychic sci-fi stuff. It’s a pretty solid trope, your Carrie’s and the like, but I always enjoy it.

      I am a little perplexed at the complexity of this facility however. Is this like a stopgap between regular hospital and a specialized containment facility? Are they trying to weaponize psychic powers or just lobotomize carriers for the greater good? (The GREATER GOOOOOD).

      Those are word-ballooning questions however and most likely darlings that were killed, but still, you have my interest.

  2. PixieWings Avatar
    PixieWings

    Still, I Worry About Him
    By PixieWings

    The apartment door slammed, jolting Milo from sleep.

    He checked the lopsided clock on the living room wall.

    “Hey.” He called blearily. “You’re back early.”

    It was dark. They still hadn’t changed the burnt out bulb in the entryway. He could just make out his roommate, standing in the doorway, his winter coat conspicuously gone, holding his elbows and shuddering.

    “Jimmy?” Milo rose from the couch, moved into the hall. “You okay?”

    The tattered carpet squished under his foot.

    James, Milo realized, was dripping wet. His thin button up was stuck to his chest some places and stiff with cold where it wasn’t. Milo touched his arm. His fingers came away sticky with mud and algae.

    “James, what the fuck? What happened? I thought you were at work.”

    James wouldn’t answer.

    He just heaved, gulping air like he’d forgotten how to breath, starring sightlessly into the puddle forming under his feet.

    There were fabric burns on his wrists and, under them, down his forearms, the inked image of what looked like the arms of an octopus.

    James had never had tattoos.

    The apartment door slams, jolting Milo from sleep.

    He checks the lopsided clock on the living room wall.

    “Hey.” He calls, suddenly awake. “You’re back early.”

    James pitches himself forward over the back of the couch, landing face first in the cushions beside him with a groan.

    “Family reunion that bad?”

    “My mom thinks I’m in some BDSM octopus sex cult, so yeah. That bad.” James wrangles himself into a sitting position. His sleeves are buttoned at the wrists, despite the summer heat. “You want a drink?”

    “Love day drinking.” Milo says, not entirely sarcastic. “Too bad we’re still broke.”

    “Alright, fine. Instant coffee.”

    James flings himself off the couch, through the archway to the kitchen and Milo rises, stretching, to follow. Milo catches James’ hesitation in pulling back his sleeves, the way he stares at the tap water a beat too long.

    He’s also complaining about his mom, gesturing wildly with a teaspoon, and Milo’s known him long enough to know.

    If James is talking, then he’s okay.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Man, this one is a trip, Pixie! What happened to James?? Did Milo have a vision of the future?? Is James even real?? I get the inkling that James is prone to depression and S thoughts.

      Ok. Wait. Something happened to James to where things got to heavy for him. He attempted S, but changed his mind. Milo helped him get cleaned up and dried off, then life continued on. Milo still worries about James hurting himself because he cares. How’s that? Am I close? If James is dealing with depression, then that’s the beast. I ALWAYS come away from your stories with SO much to think about.

      Critique:

      He just heaved, gulping air like he’d forgotten how to breath, starring (staring) sightlessly into the puddle forming under his feet.

      This little nitpick is most assuredly overshadowed by the rest of this fabulous story. It’s obvious that these two really care about each other, and it’s so sweet. You do a masterful job of weaving light-hearted and heavy. I’m not sure how you accomplish it, but it seems there’s always a dark, sad atmosphere somewhere in your stories. Even in the more upbeat and wholesome ones, that sadness and darkness manage to linger. Please understand that I’m not meaning this in a bad way; that takes an incredible talent! Another excellent story, Pixie. I’m so glad you got to write this week!

      1. PixieWings Avatar
        PixieWings

        Oh gosh, thank you for such a lovely comment Luna. It genuinely means so much to me that you come away from my stories with things to think about.

        And thank you for the correction on my spelling. Conjugating “stare” is something that’s always tripped me up. xD I think you’ve actually corrected this exact mistake in one of my previous submissions.

        In terms of your analysis, I’m a little bit floored by how on point you are with some of your guesses. James’ dip in the lake was very much not his choice (and if you’d like to see a bit more about that, my submission “Sinking Feeling” for the “I Shouldn’t Be Here” prompt was the start of this) but Milo was the one who took care of him post near death experience, and he is genuinely terrified it could happen again.

        As for the rest…I’m gonna say put a mental pin in that, for if you see James and Milo show up again in my submissions.

        Honestly, thank you again for your kind words, and I’m glad you enjoyed.

    2. Arith_Winterfell Avatar
      Arith_Winterfell

      I noticed right away how this story connected together with your previous story about James drowning and his family reunion with his mother there. It’s really nice to see more of the story this time from Milo’s perspective. I like the way the story contrasts the overall silence of James in the first half, with the second have where he is actually more animate and talking. I also really like how the story built up things with James’ silence itself and all of the details about his body leading up to the tattoos. It built up a lot of stuff without needed dialogue from James which in turn made the ending second section where he talks animatedly about his mom seem much more cheerful than the dread inducing silence he expresses earlier in the story. A good read and interesting continuation of your earlier story.

      1. PixieWings Avatar
        PixieWings

        Thanks for the comment Arith! I’m glad you enjoyed the contrast of the first and second halves. I had a lot of fun trying to play them off each other.

    3. Fredrick Hoagland Avatar
      Fredrick Hoagland

      BDSM Octopus Sex Cult. The private chat is going to love that one. If that is at all related to real life events I would like to read about it. I feel as though this doesn’t quite act as a standalone, but it does come close enough. I don’t have any real grievances with the piece overall it just seems almost strained, if that’s the right way to phrase it. Overall, a great piece.

      1. PixieWings Avatar
        PixieWings

        I am genuinely frightened for this piece to be read on stream because of that line.
        And…sort of? The frustrated, ultra-hyperbolic tone is inspired by conversations I’ve had with friends about various misguided things our families have said to us.

        That’s fair. I can def see what you mean in it being strained in parts. I struggle with making some of my continuation pieces stand on their own merits, while also seeing if I can build on the bits that came before.

        Thanks for the comment!

  3. Skye Doust Avatar
    Skye Doust

    Ocular Sacadding and the Absence Thereof
    by Skye Doust

    I no longer know about how much of the workings of human sight is common knowledge, nor how much you personally know. When you surround yourself with people that specialise in a specific topic, you lose grasp about what the average person understands.
    For instance it takes about 120 milliseconds after your eyes receive light input for your brain to register it. I guess it’s interesting from a psychology viewpoint, always living a little in the past or something, though I see phenomena like that more academically.
    Ocular saccading, for example. The way your eye smoothly shifts as it tracks a moving object is impossible to replicate without something moving to follow. If you try, and you can try now, you get this… jittery saccading as your eye moves from one focus point to another. It’s not a continuous flow. That smooth scanning motion can only occur when you’re focused on an object that’s moving.
    This is why I’ve asked for further investigation into the death of subject 16.
    Yes, I was there when it happened, but I’ve seen death before and I can assure you that this was not natural (Not that sudden and unexplained heart failure is normally dismissed as natural, but our facility is somewhat unique in this manner). Nor was my mere presence at the time of death the reason I’m making this request, I am not Stevens.
    What still bothers me, is how moments before her death, she was actively tracking something in the room that I could not see. Her eyes followed real movement, there was none of the usual twitchy saccading. And when her wide eyes stopped moving, their focus just above her chest, it was only seconds later that her heart stopped.
    You can replay the footage. It’s all there. If you have further questions, you know where to find me. Though there’s nothing much more I can really give you. All I know for certain was that she definitely watched something else in the room as it descended and took her life.

    1. An interesting piece. It starts rather technical in nature and then ends up using that to create a twist.

      I’m missing a bit of a hook at the start though.

      Also did you mean psychological or philosophical there? Could be either, but I’ve heard more about the living in the past from philosophers myself.

      1. Skye Doust Avatar
        Skye Doust

        Thank you for catching that philosophy slip up. I can’t believe that I missed that. (I can’t change it right now as I’m not at my computer and since my car just broke down I’m unsure when I’ll be able to get to it)

        I understand your opinion about the hook not being sharp enough, though I kind of like it like it is? I guess I’m trying to go for a hook that is more to do with the style of the piece than an actual written section, if that makes sense? Also the title is partly the hook as well, in my opinion.

        I really appreciate the feedback, thanks.

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      It’s great to see you back writing again, Skye! This feels very much like an investigative report. Like one a police officer or detective would conduct. It’s got a very good slow burn vibe despite the short length. My only critique is to space out your paragraphs.

      I also learned a few new words. I wonder what the woman saw before her heart stopped. Nice job!

      1. Skye Doust Avatar
        Skye Doust

        I won’t lie, I’ve been listening to a lot of the Magnus Archives podcast, and this has heavy inspiration from their style, so yeah it is supposed to be a slow burn investigative report.

        I’ll try editing the spacing when I get home next, thank you for your crit, it’s good to write something again.

        Funnily enough, I actually wanted to write something about saccading in this style, and then I decided to see what this week’s prompt was and I absolutely just had to write it when I saw.

  4. The Beast Behind the Eyes
    By Trinity Knight

    Surely, you’ve felt it. Have you not? That feeling that’s been gnawing at the back of your mind, ever since you walked through that door. The clutches of anger coiling around your heart. I can see it in your eyes. You want to know why it’s happening to you. You want to know what it is, don’t you.

    You’ve seen them, haven’t you? The Twisted. Yes indeed, you have. You’re afraid you’re becoming one of them, aren’t you. Well I hate to be the bearer of misfortune, but it is true. Your heart has begun to twist with anger. Soon your emotions will overflow and manifest into a beast beyond your control. It will consume you and you will lose all that you have, and all that you are.

    Sorry to say, there’s no stopping this. What’s done is done, there is no denying fate. It is your fate to go down this road. All I can offer you is peace when the time comes, and you become like them. Thus, I present you with a choice.

    You can remain here in the city. You can try to go on with your life as normal. But when the beast behind your eyes awakens, you will lose everything. Friends. Family. Any who stand in your way. You’ll kill them all in a blind fury and wake up with only the guilt to comfort you. You can choose suffering, or you can heed my words.

    On a clear night like this, you may see lights in the sky. Follow them. Leave the city and make for the Old Woods. The lights will take you there. When the beast begins to break free of its fleshy prison you will want to be far from other humans, lest your fury swallow them up like a maelstrom.

    I am so sorry, but there is nothing else I can do for you. Fate cannot be denied. Were there a cure, you wouldn’t have felt so afraid. You wouldn’t have needed to seek me out. This is all I can offer you, so make your choice.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Trinity, I really enjoyed this story. It has an eerie disquiet. The atmosphere is enthralling yet claustrophobic.

      Critiques:

      You forgot your title and author name

      You want to know what it is, don’t you(?)

      You’re afraid you’re becoming one of them, aren’t you(?)

      When the beast begins to break free of its fleshy prison(,) you will want to be far

      Even though it sounds ominous, I still feel the warning is heartfelt and genuine. Very nicely done!

    2. The Assassin Avatar
      The Assassin

      I think this story contains a great mixture of sorrowful despair and genuine intrigue. On the one hand, the fate of this character is undeniably tragic, and it is explained so well by the narrator. But, on the other hand, we have no idea of the true nature of anything at all in the story. Who is it that is talking? What exactly has happened to the man? Where is this taking place? All of these questions amplify this mysterious tone to the story that left me feeling unnerved in the best possible way. Great job, just remember to put the author and title next time!

    3. Skye Doust Avatar
      Skye Doust

      Please take this a positive, because I mean it that way: This feels very much like the script for an intro into a Darksouls game.
      The way the narrator cuts down hope, but offers something… else. Something -like- hope, but not quite. I could see this being voice acted as the camera pans around to show the scenes of The Twisted destroying their families, and lingers on 4 godlike entities that are all but mythological titans (which the player will meet later on and have to kill)
      Even the beginning of this monologue, “Surely, you’ve felt it. Have you not?” If you had started the next sentence with a “Yessss… That feeling that’s been…”
      Ah, love it, thank you.

      1. Im so glad someone picked up on the Dark Souls inspiration. Thank you so much! <3

  5. The Eye Of Midium (from untitled world) (Repost from Private)
    By TheWanderingMind (aka Cansas)

    Stranger leaned on his walking stick and sighed, “Here we are. The Eye of Midium.”

    Edana’s stomach dropped as she stared past the giant golden gateway, and into the dark starry abyss of Midium.

    To her right, Leona was grinning like a silver striped salmon at the strange centipede-like beasts, which floated inside The Eye.

    Leona’s twin, Maylis, was gazing in awe at the creatures.

    Edana moved over to Kelon, who lingered behind the group. “Uh, Mr. Prince Kelon, sir…are you sure this is safe?”

    The Gallopian Prince smiled at her, but before he could answer, Leona jumped in.

    “Of course it’s not safe! Look at the size of them beasties’ teeth! I bet ya I could ride one of em.”

    Syrin, who was leaning on a nearby tree, spoke up, “You’d make a lovely chew toy, that’s for sure.”

    Leona was about to give a wonderful retort, but Maylis cut in, “What I’d like to know, is what exactly they are.”

    “They were once gods,” said Kelon, walking up next to Stranger. “Powerful gods, too. Gods of the wind, water, time, insects, even a god of mattresses, believe it or not. But when the Guardian Omissa was banished, the lesser gods fell into chaos. The other three Guardians, Alarick, Mindir and Malacom, were forced to trap the lesser gods in The Eye to protect Quaternion.”

    Edana and the twins had gathered around the Prince as he spoke. Even Syrin showed some interest.

    Stranger had moved to the side and was chuckling to himself.

    “Apologies,” he said when the others looked at him. “It’s just…when you’ve been around the four corners of the world, you hear a lot of…how do I put this kindly…bullshit.”

    Edana cocked her head toward Stranger. “So they aren’t dangerous?”

    Stranger chuckled. “It doesn’t matter what they are, love. What matters is the size of their teeth.”

    Kelon rolled his eyes then placed a hand on Edana’s shoulder and said with a smile, “Worry not little one. We didn’t bring this old man just for his good looks and wit. Stranger here makes an excellent distraction.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Cansas, this is absolutely amazing! It feels like a huge team assembling for one of the biggest battles of their
      collective lifetimes! I remember a few of these characters, but I don’t remember Kelon or Leona. And I thought Maylis was Penelope’s twin. And YOU’RE the one who has Mindir as a character! Awesome! I really love the skeptical atmosphere that Syrin and Stranger bring. This is a huge cast of characters, though. I did get a bit lost trying to remember everybody from the previous stories. I love it, nonetheless.

      Critiques:

      Stranger leaned on his walking stick and sighed, “(H)ere we are.

      To her right(,) Leona was grinning

      Leona’s twin(,) Maylis, was gazing in awe at the creatures.

      Leona was about to give a wonderful retort(,) but Maylis cut in,

      Syrin(,) who was leaning on a nearby tree, spoke up,

      Edana moved over to Kelon(,) who lingered behind the group. “Uh, Mr. Prince Kelon(,) sir

      “Powerful gods(,) too. (G)ods of the wind, water, time, insects, even a god of mattresses(,) believe it or not.

      Look at the size of them beasties(‘) teeth!

      Stranger chuckled(.) “It doesn’t

      Edana cocked her head toward Stranger(.) “(S)o they aren’t dangerous?”

      Kelon rolled his eyes then place(d) a hand on Edana’s shoulder and said with a smile, “(W)orry not(,) little one.

      Please take these critics to the grain of salt. They’re nothing egregious, and they don’t take me out of the story. Also, that lore drop that Kelon gives is spectacular. It feels like there’s a storm on the horizon, and they’re all waiting for it to pelt them. Despite the tension and skepticism, this feels like a family unit with lots of loyalty and love. Your stories are always so fantastical, and each one feels like a smaller part to a grander story. Great job!

      1. Leona and Syrin are both very new. I wrote a piece about Kelon for last weeks prompt, I think. And yes, Maylis was Penelope’s twin, but I decided to steal that name for Leona’s twin. I actually wrote the micro fiction with Penelope and Maylis for the sole purpose of testing out the name Maylis.

        This is the first time I’ve written a scene with this many characters, I got lost a few times myself while writing it. I hope it wasn’t too confusing. As always, thank you for the critiques!

        1. Lunabear Avatar
          Lunabear

          I see. You navigated this piece expertly! Awesome!

  6. Tyler Desperado Avatar
    Tyler Desperado

    Who Do You Believe?
    By. CosmicDesperado30

    I kept hearing the stories, and I didn’t believe them. I didn’t believe he was real. They started small: a tweet here, a photobomb there, but I thought nothing of it.

    But I’ve met him… and he’s pure evil.

    It started when Greg met him at a party. Greg had just made partner at a fancy lawfirm, and he wanted to strut. That’s when the guy showed up, and he looked ancient. Barely any meat on him, and he had this really old fashioned suit.

    He asked Greg a simple question, I couldn’t tell exactly what it was since the video quality wasn’t that good. But almost immediately after Greg answered, I saw a flash under the man’s glasses, like the purest red I’ve ever seen. Then Greg fell to the floor, clutching his chest. Later on his folks posted that he died of a heart attack in the emergency room.

    Nobody cared. Freak accident. And that freaky eye shit I saw? Clearly a filter or a photo job or something.

    Then it happened again. It was my sister at her wedding reception. The whole thing was quite beautiful…until he raised a toast. Same sunken face, same elaborate old suit with a petticoat, a vest, and an honest-to-god pocket watch.

    He raised a glass and asked her if her husband truly was the one she’d spend the rest of her life with. She got all pissy and yelled for five minutes about their purity…then she started bleeding from her nose and began to choke, all while his eyes glowed like hell. The doctors said she choked on her own tongue; her secret girlfriend of four years was devastated. No one cared, just another Karen getting smacked down.

    But what the vids won’t show you was me talking to him.

    I was shaking from head to toe as I approached him. He asked me what I wanted.

    I just wanted to know who he was.

    His eyes flashed red…

    He smiled and said he was a seeker of truth, and the bane of lies.

    I didn’t believe him.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Tyler, this is fantastical, horrifying, and cruel! I love it. I love how this demon operates. Tell him no lies, or he’ll undo your disguise. I love how out in the open he is.

      Critique:

      all while his eyes glew (glowed) like hell.

      I especially love the ending because even though the demon can seek out truths, there’s nothing to stop him from lying. I’m curious to know more about this creature. I’m also extremely interested to see what happens to the main character now that’s he’s in the demon’s sight. Very excellent, Tyler!

    2. Interesting piece! The opener caught my attention. I like how you’ve written this as an account of an ordinary person, no purple prose, no dramatic language, just someone saying what they saw. This framing also does something fascinating towards the end. Being a first-person POV, we have access to the narrator’s thoughts as they go through the events, but with the interaction towards the end turning out to be a lie, we’re given the implication that the narrator is lying to himself/herself, which is a very human thing to do. This is solidified with the last sentence, showing that the narrator tried to hide this lie, but to no avail. Overall, this was a really interesting piece, with a great buildup of tension and a very impactful ending. Great job!

    3. Fredrick Hoagland Avatar
      Fredrick Hoagland

      To seek the truth is to court danger itself. Now, I’m not sure if this is intentional or not, but a petticoat is generally an underskirt, so either the seeker of truth and bane of lies is a cross-dresser or you weren’t entirely sure of that word’s meaning. Minor grievance. But I am left with questions. Is the protagonist’s doubt a result of the old man’s actual dishonesty? Or does he simply not trust them? What happens next? Overall, a great piece.

  7. Temptation
    By NocteVesania (Public Group Repost)

    Ashes fall from the night sky like snow. The flames rage on as the village is being reduced to nothing but cinder and charred ruins.

    Elias, bruised and bloodied from the fight, delivers the final blow to his foe. He pulls his blade from its torso and the demon’s corpse falls onto the ground, lifeless. He looks at his bloodstained hands, the purple glow on the markings of his left arm now subsiding as he takes back control of his body.

    “You did well,” the familiar voice within whispers in Elias’s head, “the world is saved.”

    Elias stares at the demon’s corpse, remembering the lives taken in its conquest.

    “For now, at least,” the voice adds.

    The voice catches Elias’s attention. “What do you mean?”

    “We’ve defeated this one, but just barely.” The voice explains, its tone somewhat condescending. “If a stronger foe comes up, well, I assume you know what will happen.”

    Blood-curdling screams echo in Elias’s mind as he remembers the destruction of his hometown.

    “Power,” Elias declares, “we need more power.”

    “Correct. I wonder where we can get that? Oh, I know! They say a demon’s power resides in its heart. Now, if only we had a demon’s heart lying about.”

    Elias looks back to the corpse and sighs.

    “Would you look at that! How convenient!” The voice changes to a more aggressive tone. “Now consume it! Take its power for yourself!”

    Elias hesitates, remembering the fallen demon’s words, that the demon within him can bring about this world’s very destruction.

    The voice grows impatient, its words devolving into snarls. “What are you waiting for? Need I remind you of how feeble you are? Look around, this burning village is a testament to your weakness.”

    With a hand trembling from fear, Elias grasps his dagger tight as he steps forward, his eyes trained to the corpse’s chest.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Oooooohhhh, Nocte! This one is intense! I think I remember Elias trying to rescue his daughter. I love how he’s fighting this demon, but the one in his head is much louder and much more dangerous. It’s quite nuanced. I also really enjoy how erratic the voice becomes the more he seems to resist its pull. My only critique is a few comma errors. Great, heavy piece!

    2. Skye Doust Avatar
      Skye Doust

      I am a fan of the cyclical nature of your story. I also read it as partly about how vengeance is all consuming and if you act entirely out of revenge, you can feel more than a little hollow when you finally get what you have desired all this time. And how in your need to fill this hollow inside yourself, you might become a replica of the very thing you hated to start with.
      May I ask if you’ve ever played Dragons Dogma by any chance?

    3. How very creepy, Nocte, and absolutely perfect for the prompt. The voice’s… voice was magnificently written. I could practically hear it in my own head, and the growing intensity was done incredibly well. The tension grows like stretching a rubber band. The switch here, I thought was particularly interesting. “Would you look at that! How convenient!” The voice changes to a more aggressive tone. “Now consume it! Take its power for yourself!”
      This was a fascinating and very well written piece! I’m curious as to what happens to Elias. He seems like a good guy trying to do the right thing, in a very wrong way.

  8. Griffin Perry Avatar
    Griffin Perry

    Hidden Resentments

    by GriffinGreyson

    Without warning, my organs started getting the horrid sensation of being ripped apart. It felt as if I was being cut up by a dull pair of scissors. The pain got to where I felt nauseous enough for my legs to completely cave in just from my own body weight. Rough and scratchy gagging soon followed, making my throat feel as if two pieces of sandpaper were sandwiched together while something else was trying to be pushed through them.

    Everything eventually came out in one giant gag of air. But it wasn’t the mushy pile of half-digested pizza you would expect, it was newly plucked rose petals. With hands trembling, I pull out my phone so I could call for help. Hoping maybe this was just some kind of psychosis, I call my mother, because she’s the one to help with mental problems.

    When my mother answers the phone, I just begin talking to her in what seemed like gibberish. All she did was say ‘mm-hmm,’ only stopping me when I mentioned the rose petals.

    “What color were they?” She asked.

    Unbelievable, I thought to myself. My mother cares more about a damn color than the crisis itself.

    “They were red, but back to-”

    “Hanahaki Disease…” she said

    “Mom! What the-”

    “Listen up,” she said in her mom’s voice. “Hanahaki Disease is a deadly issue that happens when you in a one-sided love situation. Since you’ve been coughing up red petals, it means that you have some kind of resentment about your feelings. The color tells you everything you need to know. You’re in the last stage, in about 30 minutes you’re going to die. I won’t get there in time, but all you have to do is tell the person you love them, that’s it. Please go do that, I love you, im on my way.”

    I fall to the ground knowing I’m knowing 100% im going to die; because I would rather die to a sickness than tell a straight person, I love them and go on know they could never love me back.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I’m assuming that the beast in this story is the resentment the main character feels towards their own emotions and their inability to express them. There’s a bit of humorous dialogue between the main character and the mother. I like that the mother reminds her child that she loves them in her own way.

      Critiques:

      You switch between past and present tense a lot.

      There are some grammatical and punctuation errors.

      In some spots, it’s pretty wordy, which broke up the flow. Finding ways to tighten your sentences helps them flow better.

      Also, this is a very interesting disease. I’ve never heard of it before. I also can’t imagine how horrific it must be to spit up rose petals, especially because the human anatomy isn’t designed to do that. This is a different take on the prompt, and it’s appreciated. Nice work, Griffin.

      1. Griffin Perry Avatar
        Griffin Perry

        Thank you so much for the critiques! It really helps me a lot and I’m really trying hard to improve on my past and present tenses. If you have any good resources where I can learn more about the things you’ve mentioned I would be very grateful. Thank you again! <3

        1. Lunabear Avatar
          Lunabear

          You’re most welcome! Reading a variety of books helps. I have some YouTube videos that are good for helping with grammar. Are you part of the Tale Foundry Discord server? There are a lot of awesome people over there that could also help, if that feels like something you’re comfortable with doing.

          1. Griffin Perry Avatar
            Griffin Perry

            Yes, I am apart of the Tale Foundry Discord! I’ll use it some more. Thank you again.

    2. Other than the grammar issues (already pointed out by Luna), I really like this piece.

      Unrequited love is painful. We’ve all felt it at one point or another. Knowing that you can’t tell the other person out of shame for who you are can’t make that any easier. (that’s what I took from the “straight person” mention anyway)

      I just wanna hug the main character. Tell them it’s OK to come out, even if only to one trusted person. I hope this main character lives in a society where coming out is generally accepted.

    3. Michael Case Avatar
      Michael Case

      Ha, I love this. It’s like an adult take on “Beauty and the Beast”. Instead of a flower losing it’s petals, it’s a disease that kills the host if not requited. The beast suffering from the disease and yet choosing pride or maybe selfish desire to suffer for their reasons for choosing to die over rectifying the situation. Then you have the careless attitude of the Mother responding to this suffering. There’s a lot here in your short story. As complete as it reads, you could expand on this plot into a nice book if you wanted. Very well done.

  9. The Beast Behind the Eyes
    By Chengir

    Derek sat sadly at the bar, squirming. He felt uncomfortable on his stool. One eye stared at his drink. Looking up, his eyes glanced over the trophies on the walls. Each one an achievement in its own right. All hanging up to mark a memorable victory. Heroes all. They seemed to be staring at him with those terrified looks in their eyes. Which only made Derek more depressed. It reinforced his perceived failure. He took another swig of his drink. He could feel the sting as the liquid burned its way down his throat.

    The whole bar smelled of sawdust and spilled drinks. It was filled with the chatter of voices. Some were simply trying to have fun, but many were in the same state as Derek was in. There hadn’t been a lot of people passing through and business was off as a result. The whole underground existed on what the locals laughingly referred to as the ‘tourist’ trade.

    Ronaldo pulled up a stool next to Derek. “What’s the matter with you?” He asked, concerned. But he wasn’t overly concerned; he was already too drunk for that.

    “My in-laws are coming for a visit,” Derek muttered.

    Ronaldo’s squinted. “That sucks,” he sympathized. He knew Derek’s father-in-law. He was the type to be mounting heads on the wall of a tavern like this one.

    Derek levitated his drink. “He’s going to want to know if I quit my job.”

    “Did you?”

    “No,” Derek sneered. “It’s a good job. Plus, I have a real knack for it.” There was a detectable pride in his tone.

    “Well, I’m glad I’m not in your shoes,” Renaldo explained. “I wouldn’t know how I’d tell my father-in-law I was an optometrist. He’d never understand.”

    Derek raised three eyestalks. “I know, right?”

    The two clinked their glasses together. “Doesn’t sound like a monster’s calling,” Ronaldo admitted. “It doesn’t scream out ‘Beholder profession.’ But I must say, you do have the eyes for it.”

    1. Ooh, interesting twist! The phrase “one eye stared” felt odd, but reading through the whole story, it makes sense! Haha. The tone of the story is quite clear, having a similar feel to grizzled movie detectives being cheered up by their drunk partners, though the premise here is quite different, opposite even. However, I would say that, in the first sentence, I feel you could expound more on the “sat sadly” part. Maybe his head(?) is resting on the counter? Maybe he sighs? ‘Sadly’ isn’t too descriptive, I believe you could show this better. Still, this is a good story overall, with an interesting premise and great execution. Good job!

    2. Fredrick Hoagland Avatar
      Fredrick Hoagland

      Something or another about the eye of the beholder. It’s sort of humorous to see the normally terrifying monster that is the beholder take up a nine to five (or whatever standard hours an optometrist works) instead being the scorn of dungeon faring adventurers. A monotonous world filled with monsters sounds like a nice place to visit all things considered. Overall, a great piece.

  10. Michael Case Avatar
    Michael Case

    A Final Hope (not a prequel to The Ugly Truth)
    By MDC (Michael Case)

    “Forgive me Father for I will sin.
    This morning while baptizing some of the newborn babies in the church, I had come across…”

    In the note, Frank couldn’t quite read what was there. It looked to him that the ink had smudged due to tears maybe. He continued reading below that.

    “to see a child with that kind of innocent look on their face, but that kind of stare in their eyes. Evil must exist in this world in order to punish the wicked, that I understand all to well, but this was beyond evil. What I had seen was like nothing I’ve seen before.

    Terror might be the only word that might apply to that child’s eyes. Such an innocent face to be born with such terror in their eyes. I can not fathom what this poor child will have to face, or what we will have to face because of this child.

    I will sin Holy Father, for I am not strong enough to deal with the horrible ordeals we will have to face when this child is put to use either by you, or by what unholy creature created this child. I only hope that my choice will be forgiven by those who understand my words here.”

    Frank’s eyes slowly swung back and forth as if being hypnotized by the Priest that hung from the rafters.

    “What cha got, Frank?” The lead Detective asked while the body of the Priest slowly swung back and forth like a pendulum.

    Putting down the note, Frank seemed tranced by the hypnotic movements of the hanging man. “Suicide note. Looks like the Priest saw one too many lost souls.”

    Frank started out of the room and mumbled to himself, “I really hate religion.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is another heavy hitter, Michael. That opening line is an immediate hook. At first, I thought Frank was the one writing the note, and I was crazy confused when I got to the bottom. Lol! My mistake. Did the priest kill the baby?? Because I really feel like that priest killed that baby. Also, was it perhaps the Antichrist using the child as a host? Or some other malevolent entity? I really love how horror is done in the religious vein whenever it’s done correctly. This one is really good. I also REALLY love that first line.

      Critiques:

      What I had seen (witnesed) was like nothing I’ve seen before.

      Terror might be the only words (word) that might (could) apply to that child’s eyes.

      I only hope that my choice will be forgive(n) by those who understand my words here.”

      “What cha got(,) Frank?”

      I suggest being mindful of repetitive word uses, especially in the same sentence.

      That poor baby, though. I do appreciate that you give Frank a rather powerful motive for not liking religion, as displayed by the actions of the priest. May I ask what inspired you to write this story? I find it rather fascinating and complex. I hope Detective Frank can get some closure on this case. Great stuff!

      Also, I was serious about being down for that collaboration. I’d really love to write a story with you.

      1. Michael Case Avatar
        Michael Case

        Thank you for taking the time to read Franks mess. The tenses, I guess do come across as confusing. I was trying to make it feel as if the Priest wrote this note shortly after the event happened, and was shaken up by the beast behind the eyes of the child.

        I have no excuse for the comma issue, those commas are out to get me. I should write a story about a person being done in by a bunch of punctuation, and is killed by the comma.

        I did write out what the Priest saw in the baby’s eyes, but thought it read better if the reader had to use their imagination to think about it. “What could be so bad to see in a child’s eyes, that it causes a person to take their life?” A lack of describing the horrors is the best kind of horrors. Like being a kid that is scared of what’s inside the closet or under the bed.

        I have a Cop friend that doesn’t get surprised by anything. He will one up everyone when it comes to campfire stories. It’s like he’s seen the worst that society has to offer and then saw something even worse come from it. His name isn’t Frank though, he just likes to say “I’ll be frank about this”. So every time I write a fictional story involving a cop dealing with some kind of cosmic terror, I use Frank as the guy’s name.

        As for a collaboration, shoot me a Whisper on the twitch Friday. I’m not great at working with others, but if you want to bounce ideas around, I’m pretty good at that.

    2. Griffin Perry Avatar
      Griffin Perry

      When most people write about religion, I feel like they don’t portray it properly or have a good grasp of how to talk about it. I think you did astonishing in talking about it. It seemed to flow very naturally and made me feel like I was there without cringing. Also, even if it was brief, I felt like I knew the character’s personalities decently just based on how they spoke. You wrote about a very sensitive topic and I think you did an outstanding job of talking about it respectfully.

    3. RVMPLSTLSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLSKN

      This is a fun idea. It leaves a lot of potential to future pieces. Was the child actually terrified? Was the priest simply unwell?

      Some technical stuff:
      -Whenever you’re quoting something and make a new paragraph (especially dialogue), you need to carry over the quotation marks.
      “Like.
      “This.”

      -I’ve always seen ‘whatcha’ written as one word. Might buy you a little wordspace in the future.

      It was an enjoyable piece with good flow. Good job!

  11. MysteryElement Avatar
    MysteryElement

    Feral Affinity (also in private)
    By MysteryElement

    The first time it happened I thought it was my imagination. I met a friend of a friend and felt like I had recognized them. They did not look familiar and I didn’t recognize their name, but something about their eyes felt… right. We had nothing in common, disagreed on a lot of things, yet we got along easily. I haven’t seen them since and no longer remember the face of who introduced us, but I remember that person’s face with vivid clarity.

    Next time was at work, a chain store with a high employee rotation, and he had only been there a week or two. Then again at a restaurant, the line-cook had the same look. Something about them felt so similar to me, like seeing a reflection of my own soul in their eyes, a recognized ferocity in them I could not name. It has now happened so often I can’t call it coincidence, or unnatural. We share a kinship, a loyalty established on nothing but instinct. A feeling that has led me to this moment; a mouthful of blood and trembling hands.

    It wasn’t my fight, and he probably could have taken care of it himself, but I could not resist the instinct to protect them and share their battle. I had felt the pull as if my heart were attached to a string, drawn in with a firm and resolute adulation. Fists were thrown, and I had bitten one of them like a wild animal. I wipe the blood from my mouth as the assailants scramble away, and I laugh with a cruelty I didn’t know was in me.

    “Cowards.” I mumble, hearing my companion chuckle in response.

    “Can’t even finish what they started.” He replies with a similar cold mirth. “You look like shit.”

    “Said the pot to the kettle.” My teeth pull back into a fierce grin. I wipe my hands on my jeans before stretching one out in greeting.

    “Well, Kettle,” He replies, as he takes my hand. “I believe I owe you a drink”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I enjoyed this particular beast a lot, Mystery. Friendship is most definitely something I can rally behind. I also appreciate that despite these two lacking common ground, they still find some sort of kinship within each other. Definitely enough of a kinship to throw hands over, that’s for certain. You also do a brilliant job of bringing forth that atmosphere of camaraderie.

      Critiques:

      “Cowards(,)” I mumble, hearing my companion chuckle in response.

      “Can’t even finish what they started(,)” (h)e replies with a similar cold mirth.

      “Well, Kettle,” (h)e replies, as he takes my hand. “I believe I owe you a drink(.)”

      These critiques are nitpicks, as they don’t detract from the story in any way. I love this lighter take on the prompt. There are some heavy ones this week. Always love your stories, Mystery! I love the different avenues you travel. Great story!

  12. The Assassin Avatar
    The Assassin

    Fury
    By TheAssassin

    Within the inferno of Arthur’s heart stood death. Eyes ablaze with fury, he demanded retribution. Vengeance for dishonor, vengeance for injustice, vengeance for weakness. The firestorm burned with unbearable intensity; it needed to be released…
    Arthur could feel the flames beneath his skin. Energy untamed yearning for a victim, but he could not a victim provide. To do such a thing, to kill another, was treacherous…

    Evil…

    Blasphemous…

    Necessary…

    Justice…

    Deserved.

    They, the wicked, have departed from the ancient ways! They abandoned sanctity in favor of desire’s kiss! Why do they deserve life? They must be cleansed.

    No…

    The blaze within him arose, and Arthur could no longer hold back. The tempest of rage took hold, and it did not show mercy.

    Please…

    On that eve of dread, he drew his blade and approached the enclave of his enemy. A simple house that contained a family within. Indeed, they may have forgone the elder’s teachings and made their own morality, but was death their deserved fate?

    Hear me…

    The fires said so, and the fires consumed his mind. They urged him to exact revenge, slay his foe. He would do so, for he could no longer resist these temptations. Even as tears flowed, he entered that home with a single mission: To destroy.

    Help…

    A man, his wife, a child. Their eyes bespoke of fear and their trembling hands of terror. They deserved to be afraid, for it was they who endangered society. They sauntered through the streets as if their philosophy was not poison. Wretches.

    If there be a god…

    He raised his blade above his head. They would die as justice dictated. Man, woman, and child. All would be slain. Peace from death, society must remain strong.
    Stop me…

    Please…

    Slick with blood, Arthur’s sword glimmered in the moonlight. No longer did his fire burn, but rather a void consumed his spirit. He was a weak man. Unable to control his fury, the sin was his.

    If only he was stronger…

    If only someone had heard his cry…

    If only someone would save him from himself.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I’m curious as from where you get your inspiration for your pieces, Assassin. To be so consumed by fury and revenge that the only outlet is to slaughter those who abandoned traditional teachings and all of those associated with the deserters. That is some HEAVY stuff, man.

      Arthur is his own beast. He can’t let go of his past or find the resolve to temper himself, and it consumes him. The kicker is that even AFTER he gets his revenge, he’s internally empty. It brings him no relief or piece of mind, and he has to live with the monster he’s become. This is tragic all the way around. No critiques. Great job.

    2. This story is raw! I love it. I love the way you weave the protagonists thoughts between the prose. It is really impactful to see those thoughts standing on their own as single lines. It sells the imagery of him being consumed by this pious raging fire. I absolutely would love to see more. I would love to see the society behind this killing. I want to learn more about their laws and the twisted views that inform them. I don’t have much in the way of criticism. This piece has excellent prose and imagery. The emotions conveyed are sharp and hard hitting.

    3. I think this was swell. I felt the conflict at the end with Arthur’s regret based on his earlier actions and the way that the story was broken up helped to give a sort of needed pacing which is harder to do in writing than say visual mediums.

      I did feel however that the motivation was a little difficult to understand and the reasons or drive as to why Arthur had to do this were a bit too vague for me personally. Loved to read more in the future!

  13. RedStein Avatar
    RedStein

    Not Done Yet
    By: RedStein

    “Ten years in the academy for this…” I thought to myself, letting out a tired sigh. This was not the hero we talked about in the academy. Thasterio is old, fragile, a bit childish. On my back, I carry his old blade. Although it’s nothing more than a worn out slab of metal.

    “Why bum? Want joke?” Thasterio asked me in a child-like glee, waving his arms around.

    Before I could say anything, he began to imitate a tree. “Tree with no leaf, is naked tree!”

    He said, as he began to laugh hysterically, slapping my back in the process. Admittedly, I remained stoic, but I ended up laughing along. Both out of pity and boredom.

    Like a swift arrow, a group of four knights came riding on top of mighty horses. One by one, they stepped down, drawing their blades at us. “By order of Asteria, we demand you forfeit that blade on your back. We do not seek bloodshed, but we’re not afraid to use force.”

    Giving Thasterio his blade, I ordered him to run. Though I am likely to die, I still have to protect someone. Even if he was nothing but a jester.

    Immediately, two of the knights tackled me to the ground. Their grip was too painful for me to hold back my screams. Two of the knights went after Thasterio, who was walking, slow as a turtle.

    Thasterio looked back at me. “No hurt friend!” He said, reaching out to me, drawing the blade out. As the knights mock his attempt to fight, the blade emitted a golden glow. All the rust fluttered away and returned the blade to its golden glory.
    The old man held his sword high. Its shining gaze beamed at all of us, as Thasterio masterfully struck down two of the knights. “Welcome back…old hero.” I said to him with a smile.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Your story is an interesting one, Red. Some great fantasy and details. I found the relationship between these two funny and sweet. You convey emotional quite well. The poor, beleaguered MC. Thasterio is hilarious. He has a certain charm. I’m a sucker for rescuing a friend in need. Combining that with the old hero emerges again is awesome!

      The only critique I have is that you switch between past and present tense a few times. Beyond that, however, your story is really good.

      One thing I wonder about is how these two came across each other. I also really enjoyed that the sword is the beast. It’s very cool!

      1. RedStein Avatar
        RedStein

        Hey there Luna! I am really glad you like my story. In all honesty, I was worried that I did not portray their relationship well. I truly appreciate that you pointed out the verb tense criticism, so I’ll make sure to keep that in mind for next works. Thank you so much for the comment!

  14. Fredrick Hoagland Avatar
    Fredrick Hoagland

    A Morning’s Work (Set in as yet unnamed canon)
    By Fredrick H. (Challeng3r22)
    Anthony woke up. And found that he was fighting the chosen one.
    Taking a glance around him, he took note of the trees that had taken over the walls around him. Sirens sounded in the distance.
    “Lord of the Forbidden Wilds! Prepare to return to the ashes!” the chosen one shouted.
    She swung her blade. Anthony’s arm knocked her to the side. A green orb began to materialize in his palm. Anthony clenched his fist. It was at this moment he seized control.
    “What are you doing?” the Lord screamed from the inside.
    “The mortal enforcers are already on their way, and we both know the chosen one is more useful to us alive,” Anthony calmly thought back.
    Quickly, he scaled the wall beside him and leaped from roof to roof towards the edge of the city. In a matter of moments, he was striding across the lawn in front of the family manor.
    In the library there was comparatively little damage compared to previous events. On the walls were scattered growths of dandelions that Anthony was quick to pluck free and throw in the trash. On the ground were a few scattered tomes 0f arcane knowledge and botany. After returning those to the shelves, he turned his attention towards the book that sat on the study table.
    It was his family’s copy of the Universal Atlas, open to a page labeled “Current location of the Chosen One.”
    “Glad to see she made it home safe,” Anthony commented as he placed the book back on the shelf.”
    With his work complete, he returned to his room to finish the work that needed to be done. From his nightstand, he withdrew a leather bound with a green gem that pulsated light embedded in the cover.
    Holding his hand over the gem, Anthony focused on the energy provided by his headmate and focused it into the tome before him. Soon he was alone again.
    “This is getting tiring, but I suppose that’s the cost for stealing from the Eternal Library.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      High fantasy stories are always a blast. Anthony seems like an interesting character. It would appear that he cares about the chosen one despite the fact that he needs to fight her.

      Critiques:

      he withdrew a leather bound (book) with a green gem that pulsated light embedded in the cover.

      Your word choices also get a little repetitive at times. May I suggest shortening the sentences or finding different words that convey similar meanings?

      Since Anthony is the only one speaking, and you do a great job of communicating body language, I’d say the dialogue tags (said, commented, shouted) aren’t needed. Unless it’s a stylistic choice.

      I really enjoyed the use of magic. Having the beast be the book is very clever, as it allows Anthony gifts and the ability to track the chosen one. I’m very curious as to what the Eternal Library is, as well. I wonder what awaits him next. Nicely done, Fredrick.

      1. Fredrick Hoagland Avatar
        Fredrick Hoagland

        Thank you for your critique, Luna.

    2. PixieWings Avatar
      PixieWings

      The set pieces in this story are a lot of fun. I like all the strange books that appear here, and the Eternal Library is def an interesting concept I want to know more about as a reader.

      I do have a small syntax criticism. I think if you included another line of space between your paragraphs, it’d help your writing read a lot better.

      Excellent work!

  15. Isa Dragon Avatar
    Isa Dragon

    What Magic is Left (Ithmeir’s Tales Verse, crosspost)
    By IsaDragon337

    “See this rune?” Ithmeir traces it with a finger, so his friend can “see” the shape. “Years and years ago, when there was still magic in the world, imbuing this with power would have made it float. There’s a Teaching Tale about that.” He looks up at the ruin. “I—I think this might have been Castle Black.”

    The sword hums, interested.

    “The Blacks were an elven sorcerer line. They claimed descent from… a dragon god, Thariou. Their Head was always Lady Black, regardless of gender—that’s the source of that bar joke.”

    A questioning trill.

    “Thariou? She was the patron of travel. Few people know that she also prized trickery and wit.”

    “Wow, didn’t know there was anyone left who knew the family history,” says someone directly beside him.

    Ithmeir abruptly finds himself, sword in hand, facing an androginous elven youth before he can jump. The sword makes an angry chime, like a bell tone, which hangs in the air longer than it should.

    “Hey, hey, I don’t mean any harm—” They back away, hands open and up.

    (THIEF) the sword snarls into Ithmeir’s head.

    Ah.

    “If you need coin, you could have asked,” Ithmeir lowers the sword, not without resistance from his steel friend. “I’m afraid I don’t have much, though.”

    “Wait—you noticed?” The youth’s eyes are wide and spark with hidden mischief. Ithmeir can’t see where the thief stored his purse. The elfling bounces in place, the picture of childlike innocence. “That means you know magic!”

    “I’m afraid not…” The magic left in this world remains bound up in artifacts and battlefields, bloated beasts and The Wound. Certainly not people, Ithemir knows.

    “You’re my new best friend; you can’t say no! I’m Kariou Black.”

    Kariou holds out a hand to shake, and Ithmeir is pleasantly surprised to find his own purse, perhaps a few gold lighter, tucked in his hand when he takes it.

    “My, how did you do that?”

    “Magic!” Kariou grins.

    (NOT MAGIC) the sword hisses.

    “Ah, sleight of hand. Perhaps I can help you, I dabbled in my youth,” the old bard smiles.

    The sword groans.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is absolutely adorable, Isa! Always excited to see this duo! I really love old legends, and to see a descendant of Castle Black is really awesome. I adore Kariou. They have this mysterious charm and fun buoyancy to them. The fact that the sword is not having it and does not trust this elven child brings a wonderful contrast to everything. It also makes for some hilarity. Maybe some hijinks?

      Critiques:

      “Ah, sleight of hand. Perhaps I can help you(;) I dabbled in my youth(.)” (T)he old bard smiles.

      The fact that the sword is scathing over the fact that Ithmeir would call Kariou’s sleight of hand magic is really funny. I most definitely interested in seeing where you go with their story next. Such a lovely tale!

      1. Isa Dragon Avatar
        Isa Dragon

        Yes, shenanigans are afoot! Or will be soon.
        And thank you for the dialogue help, that continues to be confusing…
        The sword, being a powerful magical artifact enchanted over several years by a right and proper wizard, knows exactly what is magic and what is not. Given that magic is dying, what Kariou can do is perhaps not magic in the traditional sense, but stage magic is honestly just as cool or cooler to me. Maybe because it’s possible.

  16. RVMPLSTLSKN Avatar
    RVMPLSTLSKN

    The Beast Behind the Eyes
    By RVMPLSTLSKN (A Tale from a World Unknown)(repost from private)

    There are eyes that do not weep, kept wet like wounds that seep, deep in the city of meat. The eyes are slits or hooded and watching. Diseases make them fester and haunting. The eyes have no ethic or moral, no morés or quarrel. The eyes wait in unceasing half-blinking. They are red with blood from cleaning.

    The city is meat and knows nothing of the eyes it keeps. There is no time here, in the growth and scruples of progress. No time to measure the blood as it cleans.

    The people live and celebrate themselves. They are like the city; few know their eyes. Fewer still know the unutterable; the task of destruction or progress. The worst that is said of these butchers is unutterable.
    Growth is what is needed, progress will not suffice and in the city of meat and meaty things, nothing ends so nothing grows.

    An idea like a virus now grows within the city and strains to outgrow its own ending. To share it is inviting the unutterable, to spread it worse, yet it must grow so someone must end.

    How does a city see itself? Can it grok the images the eyes record? Are these things understood as more than a fleeting image? Such is how umwelten are borne.
    Another unutterable act, another chance to grow as something ends and the stomachs gorge. The lungs of the draconic city inflate, bellows-like, and rasp with the infection of humankind.

    There are acts of sin such as thought and sight and independence, but no one is free from the city. The city is meat and so are they; the city is large and one, they small but numerous, so they are part of the city; this is their umwelt. To kill is unutterable, so the dying become walls of meat and join the city. Progress.

    To leave is unthinkable, the beating heart makes it so. There is no brain here, only the heart, moving blood through the city. Generations live and progress the city. Thought, like a viral cancer, grows: Are we more than meat?

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      RVMPLSTLSKN, this is a rather chilling story. It’s incredibly crazy to think that there is a city out there with walls made of people, and the city itself is basically one enormous, living organism. What’s even more unsettling is the fact that the city will not let people leave. It feels very much like a utopian society combined with totalitarianism. I had to compare it to something more referential, it feels very much like a combination of the black exploitation movie Bones with its City of the Dead combined with Junji Ito’s Uzumaki. It’s really horrifying. I especially like how these unutterable things are treated like crimes mixed with sins. At least, that’s how it feels to me. Overall, excellent story.

    2. Michael Case Avatar
      Michael Case

      Hong Kong, this story makes my think of the time I was in Hong Kong. I love that city and the people there, but remove the social pleasantries of the city, and this story captures the rare nature of these unsleeping cities.
      This disease that you throw in our faces at the very beginning almost screams like the turmoil that has encompassed such a beautiful city like Hong Kong. I have to know what city were you thinking about when you wrote this?

      1. RVMPLSTLSKN Avatar
        RVMPLSTLSKN

        I wish I could take credit for that, but I wasn’t thinking of a specific place. The concept of “city-ness” and how a conscious city might perceive itself was more my premise. I find the idea of umwelten intriguing.

  17. Preserves Roses Avatar
    Preserves Roses

    Sarah
    by: Perserves Roses

    For a 1000 years the demon had ruled a world of fire and rock. With pain and terror it had controlled an entire people to do it’s bidding.

    Then some of his people had found magic of their own, a magic they quickly turned on him. They had found the source of his power, and bound it away from him. Once he could summon entire oceans to rise and fall, and banish entire army’s to other realms before they could dare to threaten him. Now all his power was gone, leaving a gaping feeling as if he was missing a limb. It was an ache that gnawed at him.

    Without his magic he had been easy prey when they came to capture his body. They had forced him into a cage, a space so small his majestic curling horns had cracked and fallen off. He had used all of his strength to try and break the chains that held him down, or bend the bars of the cage beyond them. He soon realized that the chains and the cage were forged by great magic, so he could not break them. For bonds made of magic can only be broken by magic and he possessed none.

    His greatest torment, was that the cage that held him was mortal. It would exist for a short blink of time, and when it died, he would die with it. They had taken even his immortality from him. He growled and snarled denying his despair. He screamed his need for revenge on his enemies, and his hunger for their blood. All he could do was gaze out through the two small windows they had left him. His cage was in a strange world of light. Where he was surrounded by people who lived in peace with no knowledge of magic or demons, or even his presence in this world.

    The small child turned her bright blue eyes up to look at her mother. Her blonde pig tales sliding away from her round face.

    “Mommy could I please have a cookie?”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is quite enjoyable. There feels like a good bit of lore went into this one. Not sure why, but I kept thinking of the demon Krampus while reading this. I actually feel pretty bad for the poor guy. I couldn’t imagine having EVERYTHING stripped away followed by utter humiliation. The descriptions keep it very interesting.

      Critiques:

      it had controlled an entire people to do it’s (its) bidding.

      Then some of his people had found magic of their own(;) a magic they quickly turned on him.

      banish entire arm(ies) to other realms before they could dare to threaten him.

      had forced him into a cage(.) (A) space so small his majestic curling horns had cracked and fallen off.

      Her blonde pig tales (pigtails) sliding (slid) away from her round face.

      I’m afraid I’m a bit confused by the ending. Are the girl and her mother simply two of the humans unaware of demons and magic? If so, did the girl look into the eyes of the demon without knowing it? Is the mother or child the demon? Or is the ending paragraph meant to convey how oblivious the people are to the demon’s situation and only the reader is privy to the beast behind the demon’s eyes? Whatever the reason, interesting story, Roses!

      1. The way I’m reading it, the mortality of the cage, the 2 small holes, the sudden change to the child. It’s all telling me the little girl is the cage.

        1. Lunabear Avatar
          Lunabear

          GASP! That makes so much sense! Why didn’t I put that together?! Thank you so much for explaining! I’m thick skulled sometimes. Lol.

      2. Preserves Roses Avatar
        Preserves Roses

        Hi Luna. Thanks for the feed back. I wasn’t sure if the ending would come across exactly as intended. I was trying to convey that the demon was trapped and helpless within the child. The 2 windows he can see out through being her eyes.

        1. Lunabear Avatar
          Lunabear

          Bemk explained it, and after rereading it and actually paying attention to the title, I totally see it now! That’s a fantastic, unique take on the prompt! Great job!

    2. This is such a cool idea! And you built up to that ending so well. Up until you said the cage that held the demon was mortal, I was picturing the usual kind of cage with bars and chains. But calling a cage mortal is kind of jarring. It immediately had me questioning the form of the cage until it was solidified in the end.

      Though, I do find myself wondering if this is it or not. The demon could just be trapped behind this girl for the rest of her life or this could be beginning of a story for her. These kinds of cages are often the catalyst for a “And then the fire nation attacked.” moment where either the girl accidentally weakens the cage or some loyal follower of the demon does. As either a punishment or a lead in to another story, this was a very entertaining read. Well done!

  18. The art of looking away
    By Bemk

    My study coach is sitting in front of me. Blond fringe, just touching the eyebrows. Head tilted towards me.

    “Bemk, I know we’ve been working on these competences on the list and all, but I recently read something that I wanna work on.”

    “What’s that then?” I ask as I look at her hands. How she gestures.

    “I’ve read that autistic people have difficulty looking people in the eye. I think you do that too, right?”

    My eyes turn to the table as my fingers trace out a line. It’s one of those printed woodgrains, that is the same one on all the tables.

    “Yeah. I look at foreheads, or gestures. If I really need to focus, I just look away.”

    I keep looking at the table. I think I know where this is going.

    “We need to change that. It’s a vital skill you know?”

    This time I place my eyes on the white wall behind her, just above her shoulder. The square texture of the fibers in the wall paper standing out against the edge of the doorframe beside it.

    “I don’t think we do. It hurts and people don’t seem bothered with my tricks. Why change it?”

    “ ‘Cause I say so. You’re gonna to look me dead in the eye now. You need to practise.”

    I focus on the grain in the table again.

    “No. It hurts. I can’t explain how, but it does. I don’t want to.”

    “You will. You’re not leaving ’til you do.”

    I look at her fringe again. Hoping it would trick her.

    “No, that’s your trick again! Really. Look me. In. The. Eye.” She says with an aggressive tone.

    I’m going to have to do this. I’m going to have to look.

    The left eye. Black dot. Blue circle, white lines radiating. Blue eyeshadow, black mascara.

    A wave of cold hits my lower back.
    The cold flows into my chest.
    Thump thump.
    Heart racing.
    Shallow breath.
    The cold hits my brain.
    Muscles freeze.

    1. Preserves Roses Avatar
      Preserves Roses

      This one feels so real, and honest. The descriptions of what the character is focusing on between the bits of dialogue really convey how the character is coping, and gives the piece more emotion than I expected. The last bits when he finally makes eye contact feel very direct and hit hard, you can really feel the panic as it moves through the body. So excellently written.

      1. Thank you. It actually ties into my piece from last week.

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Another great metafictional piece, Bemk. This one feels more anxious. Anxiety seems to be hard beast to conquer. Rereading it brings it home hard for me. I still have the hardest time looking people in the eye. That’s more to do with a lazy eye which spawned my insecurity about it, though. The psychiatrist seems overly aggressive here. I understand it’s to get you to meet her eye,l and gain confidence over your anxiety, but it takes longer for some and different methods.

      Critiques:

      “ ‘(C)ause I say so.

      Really, look me, in, the, eye.” (I feel full stops (periods) would make this one more effective.)

      Thank you for being so open about your personal struggles and allowing us inside your head for a little bit. I hope you’re doing much better.

      1. I’d edit the grammar were it not that the site doesn’t let me do that this time, for whatever reason.

        The reason I left ’cause in lower case is because of a thing in Dutch. If the first word of a sentence gets clipped (like in ” ‘t Is wat!”) then the next word gets capitalised.

        The comma’s were a late addition, and might have indeed been better off as periods.

        I’d hoped the word “coach” would make it a bit more clear that we’re not talking about a trained psychiatrist here. In fact it’s the same person as in the first focal point in the flashback story.

        She’s acting on partial knowledge here, and it really shows.

        If you want a more clinical description of where this anxiety comes from, feel free to read on (sorry if it’s a bit of an info-dump)

        If you look at the DSM definition of Autism Spectrum Disorder you see it’s qualified by quite a number of symptoms. Scholars still debate this, but many aspies already know that a difference in processing sensory and emotional inputs is at the root of many of these symptoms.

        We often are either hyper or hypo sensitive to certain stimuli, varying from sense to sense and from person to person. Especially hypersensitivity can easily cause someone to become overwhelmed causing a fight, flight or freeze reaction. (First 2 are called meltdowns, last one is called a shutdown).

        It’s not all bad though. Quite often we get to see things that the neurotypical crowd completely miss. We often lack social intuition because we see the world in a completely different way. Many of us manage to compensate for this through their higher IQ’s, but this comes at the expense of energy.

        Our special interests, and sensory profiles allow us to see things the neurotypical crowd frequently miss.

        This story takes place in a brightly lit classroom, with flickering (50 Hz) fluorescent lights radiating of the white walls, with a lot of frustration being directed at me, while I’m hyper sensitive to visual, auditory (no-factor in this story) and emotional stimuli, and I just don’t know how to process it all in the moment, causing a shutdown.

        1. Lunabear Avatar
          Lunabear

          Thank you so very much for explaining all of that. It’s A LOT, and I’m so glad to know this. It’s incredibly insightful. That added context puts the story into a clearer perspective, as well. Thank you, again!

    3. RVMPLSTLSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLSKN

      Good to see you back, bemk!

      This feels very like a confession and I’m finding it difficult to phrase my critique because of that impression. However, based on the forum, I have to assume it’s fiction, albeit very well informed and inspired, so here goes.

      Godsdamn, your descriptions are wonderful! Don’t stop doing that.

      I’ve read that many forms of autism have a, eh, consequence (probably the wrong word) of preventing the subject from seeing people as anything more than a collection of pieces and it comes through well here: “Blonde fringe, …eyebrows. Head…. I look at her hands. How she gestures.” And here: “The left eye. Black dot. Blue circle, white lines radiating. Blue eyeshadow, black mascara.”

      I haven’t heard that it’s pain to make or hold eye contact for the autistic. Is that common? Or is something else going on here? Assuming it’s related to last week’s entry, it may be a symptom of regular emotional abuse or bullying, even depression.

      I love the way you initiate the anxiety attack. The play with line length and spacing is wonderful. Great job, mate!

      1. We often don’t see you as just a collection of parts. It’s just that sometimes there’s so much going on in our minds that we’re just unable to connect in that moment.

        I’m actually happy you noticed the fact that I’m building the world bottom up. From details up into coherent structures. (line->woodgrain->table), and that as the anxiety continues to climb it becomes more and more detail oriented.

        The goal of this piece was to show more of the autism side, rather than the trauma side I showed last time. I’m happy that came through

    4. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      Ooof yeah, this feels pretty darn real indeed. I’m not the same flavour of autistic myself – I’m more of the ‘stare into your soul’ flavour – but there’s a very familiar frustration and fear of being expected to do something that you just can’t make your body and/or mind do on command, if at all.

      I don’t know if the difficulty you have with eye contact is related to hyperempathy or not, but I could certainly understand if it was – the emotions that can be picked up off of people is so often in the eyes, and that can get painfully magnified with hyperempathy. Especially when said person is being aggressive, loud or just generally unpleasant to be around. 🙁

      Very effective story here, good job!

      1. Hi. Yeah this one is most likely caused by hyperempathy. I also have the issue that while I feel a lot, I also don’t quite understand what it is I’m feeling or how to deal with that. Currently working on that.

        I did a bit of an info dump for luna bear describing the condition. Hope I did a good job at that. Feel free to make some corrections there if you find some mistakes.

    5. Raw. Honest. Hit really close to home for me as I am also autistic. This really sucked me in with how true to my own life it is. It’s really scary when people try to get me to look directly at them. I feel kind of bad cause I kind of need people to look at me sometimes, or I get afraid they aren’t even listening to me. This was a very pure, and honestly chilling piece. The way you use poetic techniques in your lines. While there are a few typos and grammatical errors, the emotion and raw nature of the piece comes through like a beam of light through dark clouds. I loved it a lot and I hope to see more of this. We definitely have some things in common. Love the work, keep it up.

      1. Hey Trinity. Thanks for the review.

        I feel ya man. I understand that we need to communicate contact with our peers from time to time.

        The forehead trick really only seems to be getting picked up by those I’ve told about it, and even then only when they’re really looking for it.

        I also tend to look at mouths, especially in noisy settings. Doing that in this piece would push me over the word count in a moment, because there is a lot going on there though.

        As for those spelling issues. Point them out. Luna did, and I’ve since managed to edit those. It’s good to learn from natives when possible.

  19. My Name is Max Zwickau, etc. (Armitage Universe)
    By Alex Nightingale (aka Spectre)

    Porcelain dolls were surprisingly difficult to catch, especially when they were possessed. Maximilian Zwickau, sorcerer, exorcist and whatnot, was standing in a corridor holding a rock, to which he had taped a hair from the doll’s head.

    “Ha, ha, you’ll never find me,” the toy taunted.

    “I don’t have to.”

    Max raised the rock to his lips, muttered a spell and threw. It flew through the air, took a sharp turn and dove into the child’s bedroom. He followed the missile, which by now had hit the puppet, hiding behind a shelf. It crawled along the floor, its eyes revealing the mischievous shadow behind. The entire room stank of brimstone.

    “Hey, no fair,” it complained. “No sorc…”

    Before it could finish, Max grabbed the doll, threw it to the floor and nailed it into a prepared circle with an iron pike. The doll’s eyes widened, savagery emanating from them.

    “I can see your soul,” the doll screamed: “So much nastiness. So much darkness. Show me your eyes…”

    It stopped its taunt, its demonic eyes meeting Max’s. Even though the doll’s face remained totally expressionless, Max could feel the terror it suddenly radiated.

    “I know what I am,” Max replied.

    One quick exorcism later, the now empty doll was lying in pieces around the entire room. Max’s gaze fell onto a small mirror. As always, his reflection looked more like a fun-house version of himself.

    “Damnation. Looks like that’ll get docked from my pay.”

    “You really should stop making such a mess,” his own voice answered.

    His gaze remained on his distorted reflection for another second. Then he tore his eyes away and proceeded to free the family from the bathroom, in which he had locked them. For their own safety, of course.

    A few minutes later, the mother was handing him a bundle of notes, thanking him profusely. Max made to leave, when she held him back.

    “For a moment there, I thought you were possessed too,” she informed him. “The look in your eyes…”

    “Trick of the light,” he lied and left as quickly as he could.

    1. Preserves Roses Avatar
      Preserves Roses

      Fun piece. Two possessed creatures battling with each other. You characterized the doll very nicely really giving it a feeling of being controlled by some kind of demon. I would love to see more of Max. The idea of someone using his possession to his advantage without being the villain is great. Getting that little bit of characterization between Max and whatever is possessing him was smoothly done as well.

      1. Thank you! Max is a relative newcomer to my submissions and I hope to do more with him in the future. I’m glad the doll got to shine in the brief time it was on screen and that Max’s character came across well. As for his/their nature, let’s just say that’s something I hope to explore later on as well.

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Anything with Max gets my full attention, Spectre! I absolutely love the fact that he’s being taunted by a toy! It’s so childish, but it totally works! There’s a certain charm to Max. Despite his work and the many tolls it’s taking on him, he remains optimistic and strives to do what’s right, knowing full well of the danger. He’s a sweet guy at heart. So he IS possessed! Poor, poor Max.

      One of my favorite parts about this story is the kindred beasts of the doll and Max. They both harbor them, and for just a little while, they embraced that together. Also, not sure how you managed it, but you made the doll creepy AND cute. I was sad when Max had to exorcise it because of its sentience, but I was glad that the burden was lifted.

      These stories are fantastic and definitely some of my favorites, man! Majorly excited for the next installment!

      1. Thank you so much! I have so much fun writing Max, I’m glad he’s getting such a positive response. The exact nature of his/their being is a little more complicated than a case of possession (although that is certainly a way of broadly characterizing it), but I hope to explore that a little more in the future (I ran out of words, unfortunately). We’ll soon see, who’s really possessing who ;).

    3. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      So, I was already sold on this story from the very first line, which basically implies that a completely normal, unpossessed porcelain doll is still a evasive horror. XD It certainly set the tone for the rest of the story, with the childish demon in the doll, speaking to his warped reflection, and the touch of humor in ‘for their own safety, of course’. It’s an interesting world for sure, you conveyed a lot of memorable concepts and ideas in a very short space of time with this story! Well done. 😀

      1. Thank you for your review! I’m glad the humor managed to blend with the story. I hope to use Max a bit more. I have many ideas for him, much more than I was able to convey in this piece alone.

  20. There she is, just go talk to her! There’s no reason she’d not want to talk to me. Right? I close my eyes shut, trying to shut out the world, the noise if only for a moment to focus. Then I start to hear it.

    “What are you stupid?” The voice comes from inside my head but…it’s not my voice. “Look at her, she wouldn’t recognize you from the other 20 fawning idiots trying to talk to her, just give up you waste of space!” I shut my eyes tighter, bracing my hand on a nearby desk and try to take a deep breath in before slowly opening my eyes again. She’s slowly getting up, packing her bags ready to leave. Looking down I stop a few desks before reaching hers. “There’s a good piece of trash, just go sit down. You’re good at that! Sitting and doing absolutely nothing!” I face forwards, exhale and breathe in one more time.

    I’ve been listening to this…monster for a while now. Why? Probably because listening to it stops me from embarrassing myself. It keeps me safe. I’ve never done anything bold or stupid as long as I listen to it. But I missed out on so much thanks to it too. I never stopped that fight between Roy and Farah. Never stopped Mikey from doing that stupid stunt that ended up breaking his arm.

    What if I stop doing anything? Just become a robot on auto-pilot? “What the hell is wrong with that? Just ignore everything and everyone and nothing can hurt you!” What would I miss out on? “Heartbreak! Humiliation! Hell, getting hurt at all!” But then would I even have a life? “What do you mean?!? You’d still be fine!” I take another step. “WAIT!” Another step forward. “STOP IT!” I keep going, starting to relax my breathing and get it under control. “I’M WARNING YOU!” I reach her desk and she looks up at me. “PLEASE STOP!”

    “Hey Stella, do you have a sec?” The voice inside goes silent. Stella stops and smiles.

    “What’s up?”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I really enjoyed reading this story, Tan. It’s a good entry. The Beast feels very much like heavy fear. You can’t truly experience life without risks. I’ve been here far too often. I like that his taking a risk finally silences that doubt and fear.

      Critiques:

      You forgot your title and author name.

      There are some spots where words can be removed to help it flow and a few comma errors. May I suggest reading it out loud a few times and having someone else read it over? I’ve found that helps with catching errors.

      I love that this is a story of overcoming things that hold us back. You do a great job of balancing both sides of the argument, and placing it in first person really helps to put the reader in the MC’s head. There are also so many emotions here, as well. The ones that resonate the strongest with me, however, are regret and bravery. Your protagonist is also an emotionally strong one. Great first entry!

      1. That’s a big mistake, thanks for pointing it out and I’ll be sure not to repeat that in the future. Thank you for the kind words and I’ll do better next time to improve flow, it’s a general problem of mine that I grapple with.

        1. Lunabear Avatar
          Lunabear

          No worries! This is a great place for you to practice improving your writing. Between you and me, I’m still working on my sentence structure. 😉 Your story is a great one. Extremely relatable. Thank you for sharing!

    2. Good story Tan.

      The beast being the anxiety is a nice take on the prompt. The anxiety, low self esteem, it’s something we’ve all experienced from time to time.

      Is this something you’re struggling with yourself? If so, is that maybe a reason you didn’t include the authors name and title? So it doesn’t have the chance of ending up on stream? Or am I now reading way too much into a simple mistake?

      1. Thank you, no the reason I didn’t add them was because I messed up. Although the feedback and improvements I’m offered are more important to me than the stream (but I won’t complain if it somehow makes it).

    3. Title: Me, Myself and It
      Author: Tan Saggu

      Apologies for the mistake, not sure if adding it in after the fact still counts and I understand if it does not.

      1. If you look closely at the bottom of the original comment with the device you originally posted it with, you should be able to see a little gear symbol, which leads to an edit button. You may be able to just add it there.

  21. Calliope Rannis Avatar
    Calliope Rannis

    The Joy Of The Natural World (Mary’s Story)
    By Calliope Rannis

    Within the sun-dappled woods, a deer went upon her merry way. Mary trotted, feeling the soft pine needles beneath her hooves, and taking long breaths of the cool, nourishing air. She couldn’t help but wag her tail in happiness.

    Abruptly, Mary felt a familiar sensation. An ugly pulling feeling, like something trying to drag her into the ground. Had it been an hour already?

    She grunted, closing her eyes, and the feeling was pushed away. Then, with that sour moment shaken off, she continued her little walk.

    During that time, she sniffed wildflowers, galloped through clearings, listened to birdsong, and tasted some sweet berries, wagging her tail the entire time. Just when she was thinking of turning back, she spotted something wonderful ahead.

    Another deer! And she had a little fawn too!

    Mary approached them, trying to control her joy. The mother was alerted at first… but calmed down again upon seeing a fellow deer. Her fawn simply looked at her curiously. He truly was the sweetest thing.

    Nearing the mother, she could see her face, hear her breathing, smell her warm scent. Maybe she’d even let her touch?

    But even as she stepped closer, nose-to-nose, she felt that awful pulling again. No! It can’t have been another hour already-

    With a rush of air, Mary’s body snapped back into a dark haired, grey-faced girl. Her frame was buried under several layers of patchwork fabric, and little wildflowers were laced through her hair.

    The mother deer seemed confused, unable to process the change. Staring at Mary, she gave her a curious sniff.

    All she could smell was dead, poisoned meat.

    With a horrified snort, the mother fled into the trees, her fawn following close behind. The birdsong faded, and the forest grew deathly silent.

    Mary fell to her knees, staring at dirty, broken-nailed hands with lightless, cloudy eyes. Her face strained for tears that would never arrive, gaped for air she could no longer breathe. She was alone. And she was hungry…

    “Tomorrow,” she thought. It was the only thought that kept her sane. “Tomorrow, I can feel joy again.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Just rip my heart out, why don’t you Calliope! There is a beautiful buildup to everything. All of this breathtaking, spectacular imagery. I could picture and hear it as though I were right there with Mary. The way she basks and immerses herself in the world while in her deer form is amazing. That’s why it’s so devastating and disparaging when she’s forced to transform back to a form she clearly hates. I absolutely want to cry for her.

      Critique:

      ga(s)ped for air she could no longer breathe.

      And the fact that she gets only an HOUR in which to experience this beauty and love is heartbreaking! But it DOES give Mary a reason to keep going each day. I remember you going into depth about her, but how did she become this way? This is a great story, milady, and I would certainly love to know more about Mary and her curse. Brava!

    2. I feel so sorry for Mary. The writing in this piece is truly beautiful and really captures the initial serenity of the piece, until abruptly shifting to a much sadder tone. An hour a day to experience joy really isn’t too much and that ending really tugged at my heartstrings.

      I like how the beast behind the eyes seems to be less of a violent monster and more of a peaceful animal. It does subvert the idea I went into this story with (but my mind just defaults to darkness sometimes). It’s nice to see some wholesome stories, despite the ending. And despite its initial bleakness, there is some hope to it. At least Mary gets to experience some joy in her life.

      1. Calliope Rannis Avatar
        Calliope Rannis

        Technically she gets two hours a day to experience life as an animal, but I recognise that my wording was not clear in that regard – she basically has two seperate hours of transformation a day at this point of her life, and today was a day she basically joined the two hours together into a single period of time.

        It did end up being rather wholesome yes! Though if the wordcount was larger, the ending might have taken an even darker turn than the one I ended with…

    3. Autch. Could you please stop pounding my heart into the ground?

      A very good setup, allowing Mary to enjoy herself, whilst making it clear she doesn’t quite belong. A very familiar feeling to some.

      And then this moment of bliss before heartbreak ensues.

      Am I right in thinking this is part of a larger world? Or was this just developed for this story?

      1. Calliope Rannis Avatar
        Calliope Rannis

        This is part of Mary’s backstory, which extends much further than the scope of this story yes! She’s a dnd character I might want to play with someday, and I am very attached to her already. Thank you for your review! <3

    4. Arith_Winterfell Avatar
      Arith_Winterfell

      I love how this story focuses around the issue of transformation by contrasting Mary’s happiness and lively experiences as the deer, and the dulled experience in her real zombie form. The build up works well, going into cheerful high details, only to shift into the gray experiences of undeath as the other deer flees. At first, I thought the tail wagging of the deer was a bit too saccharine, but that’s because I didn’t know at the time, they actually wagged their tails in that manner. After you mentioned you actually researched that detail about deer just for this story, I had even more respect for your story because I always admire authors who put in the extra aspects of research. All in all, a well-done piece. I look forward more to Mary’s story in the future.

    5. RedStein Avatar
      RedStein

      I never expected a prompt such as this one to have a plot just like yours. Honestly, it is a really creative choice on your end! The latter portion took me by surprise and gave me shivers. That poor deer is so innocent! On a side not, the plot of this story was well paced. Overall, a well written piece. Good job!

      1. Calliope Rannis Avatar
        Calliope Rannis

        Thank you for your review! I had the character in mind before the prompt even came up, she just happened to fit perfectly for it! Probably helped with how unique it felt I guess. ^w^

  22. LumiKat117 Avatar
    LumiKat117

    Beast or Monster?
    By “Lumi” Lumikat117

    My mother always told me stories about how everyone has a monster inside them, one that is always trying to get out to tear the world asunder. She said that each monster is unique, and some are weak while others are far too strong, and when someone’s monster makes it out, they become that monster.

    Father always said she was exaggerating, that I was going to get nightmares or be too afraid to play with other kids. He said that instead of a monster, we all have an inner animal, or beast, one that will protect you when no one else can.

    I never got a chance to ask them who was right.

    But I did learn how to tell the difference between Monster and Beast as I hid inside the closet. My mother’s screams had filled the air before abruptly cutting off. The stench of my father’s blood permeated my lungs while mad laughter and heavy footsteps approached my hiding place.

    Oh yes, I learned how to tell the difference, so in a way, they both had been right. It’s a shame I never got to tell them.

    When my parents’ killer peered into the closet, his manic grin dripping with fresh blood, I looked into his eyes and I saw him for the Monster that he was. His grin had widened as he spotted me in the dark, shivering with terror. But before he could yank open the closet door to kill me, I felt what I had inside me.

    The Monster’s eyes had widened as he recognized the Beast behind mine and he had turned to flee. Unfortunately for him, he was a second too slow, his bloody smile shifting to a gasp of fear as I plunged my knife into his chest.

    We had fallen to the ground, my Beast staring into the eyes of the Monster as I watched the cruel light in them fade away. I sat there in silence as I finally heard the sirens. When I had been asked what had happened, I simply said “Always look in the eyes.”

    1. The idea of Beasts and Monsters contrasting one another adds another sense of elevation to the story. Beasts are seen in a more positive, strong light. Monsters are viewed very negatively, almost dark and brooding. The perpetrator’s reaction to our protagonist’s Beast is just the cherry on top.
      I absolutely loved how the murderer’s eyes widen, his fear taking over. It puts monsters in a more weak, quick acting viewpoint.
      The way you embraced the darkness of the prompt was absolutely wonderful. At first, I thought I was walking into a very sweet story, maybe more about emotions and challenges, the sudden, dark change into murder caught me off guard!
      Wonderful job!

      1. LumiKat117 Avatar
        LumiKat117

        I always love working with an almost yin-yang dynamic, and I wanted to bring in my knowledge of the human psyche into this the moment I saw the prompt, since when psychopaths kill, they usually do so randomly, when they see an opportunity. This fit into the idea that monsters often are depicted as weak willed and are only brave when they think they’re stronger. The moment that they realize that they aren’t, they’re cowards.

        Also, I can’t help myself, I love catching people off guard. Lmao.

        -Lumi

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Lumi, it’s great to have you back! Your writing is always great! I love the distinction that you make between Monsters and Beasts. This feels like the opening of a YA story with supernatural elements, and it is excellent. I love the pacing and the buildup. Right from that very first line, you have the audience hooked. There’s also this hit of sadness from the death of the parents, but it is greatly overshadowed by the awesome, horrific reveal of the child being a Beast. There are a few content errors with commas, but that is minor compared to the enormous scope of the story. I got chills, and I cheered for the protagonist getting the revenge on the literal Monster who murdered their parents. An awesome story to come back on!

      1. LumiKat117 Avatar
        LumiKat117

        It’s great to be back! I’ve been in such a serious slump lately that to finally be sharing something again is like a breath of fresh air. I do read a lot of YA stories since they’re better (imo) so that’s probably bled over into my writing style. I’m so glad you enjoyed this, since it was a lot of fun to work with. And yeah, commas have always been the bane of my existence. Lmao.

        -Lumi

      2. Huh, nice short scene. The ‘monster’ leaves the kid alone cause the scared brat could probably take him. hmmm. I appreciate you skirting the line with the implied violence, “fathers blood in my mouth” though leaves me wondering – is the Monster the Father (and the kid bit him and ran) or is the monster someone else?

        1. LumiKat117 Avatar
          LumiKat117

          The Monster was someone else, and the Narrator was talking about how he could smell his father’s blood, ie “…permeated my lungs…”

          Basically I wanted to point out the distinction that “Monsters” are those who harm and kill for pleasure and are basically cowards, the moment that he realized the kid was a Beast, ie would fight back, he was going to flee.

          Also I do enjoy writing detailed scenes about violence but due to the rule of keeping things relatively PG13 and the word limit, I made sure to keep it implied that it was a gory murder without out right saying it.

          I hope you liked it!

          -Lumi

    3. I really like this one. The tension is really well done and I absolutely love the juxtaposition of Monster and Beast. Stories that delve into the human psyche are ones I always enjoy.

      Something I noticed about the opposition of Monster and Beast is that the narrator describes themselves as the Beast, when they kill the intruder, even though the Monster is supposed to be the violent one. Even though it was in self-defense, I think it shows that the Beast, in an attempt to stop the Monster, is capable of being just as violent as the Monster is. I don’t know if that was intentional (it’s mostly my own interpretation), but it was just something that struck me. It blurs the line between Monster and Beast.

      Great story!

      1. LumiKat117 Avatar
        LumiKat117

        I’m so glad that you pointed that out! Yeah, that’s why in another comment I mentioned it being a sort of yin-yang dynamic, because sometimes the actions of one side or the other aren’t always good or bad. It’s always so much fun to push at the line between, because it makes it feel more real to me. I’m happy you enjoyed it!

        -Lumi

    4. RedStein Avatar
      RedStein

      Ok to get it all out now, wow! I felt bad for the poor child, and I did not expect that turn. An interesting note to point out is that you made a distinction between monster and beast. That being the monster (killer), commits violent acts out of pleasure. While the beast does so out of necessity or some instinct. Regardless, both are similar in one aspect. Both have the person devolve into their primal urges to harm. This is a really amazing piece, and I hope to see more of your work in the future!

      1. LumiKat117 Avatar
        LumiKat117

        I do love catching my readers offguard, lol. And basically, yes! So many people assume that one is greater than the other because it’s done for a “good” reason such as self-defense, but the reasons does not change the actions in the end, just how it’s interpreted. I’m so glad that you enjoyed this! And I do plan on sharing more in the future, I’ve just been in a long slump and I’m finally clawing myself out.

        -Lumi

    5. Griffin Perry Avatar
      Griffin Perry

      You had me hook, line, and sinker with the first 14 words! You used one of my all-time favorite lines, “My {Name of person} always told me stories _________.” When you write lines like this, you can take so many directions!!! I’ve read that one of the best ways to put the reader on edge or get their emotions pumping is to remind them of their own childhood fears, and I think you did a spectacular job in doing so by putting the protagonist’s loved ones in a fatal (and utterly horrific) situation. You did a fantastic job in portraying a life and death scenario. The twist at the end of your story was insane, but not to where it made me feel like it was forced or just absolutely bizarre to where it just made little sense.

      1. LumiKat117 Avatar
        LumiKat117

        I’m so glad you enjoyed it so much! I normally write in the third person, so this was a nice refresher for me! I wanted it to feel as though it was a real encounter to the reader, as though the Narrator was talking to you directly about their past, so I hope I succeeded.

        -Lumi

  23. A Different Sort of Friend
    By Zerokz

    Skkkkrch. Alexandra’s bike pulled to a stop. “I almost missed the dark and mysterious alley, again!” she scoffed to herself. Alex walked her bicycle and leaned it against a dumpster. She gulped as she stood, facing the impending darkness. It had never bothered her before, but rather the letter, tucked away inside her pocket. She had never written so much of her personal life, what would her pen-pal think?

    Alex took a deep breath in and took a huge step, hurrying along the alleyway. She softly smiled as the clearing eventually came into view. Tall buildings loomed over a small square of fake grass. It was picture perfect, with a beautiful bench centered on the grass. An old mailbox leaned against the bench, and a cleanly clipped tree cast its shadow on the bench, although the tree was already shaded by the buildings above. Alex fumbled with the letter, and slipped it into the mailbox. She sat down and glanced at the time. 3 o’clock, she was right on time. Alex waited patiently, hoping to see her mysterious friend, but as it was with every week, nothing happened.

    Alex sat there for a while, twiddling her thumbs. A cloud drifted across the sky and over the sun, and the clearing grew dark. It was her cue to go. Alex stood up and waltzed back to her bike. It was her weekly ice cream time, and she was thrilled to go try the store’s newest flavors.

    After she had left, a voice giggled. “Yes! Yes! Another letter for me, Alex is ever so kind.” A snake like arm snuck out of the darkness and grabbed Alex’s letter. With that, the clearing disappeared, and eager eyes scanned the letter.

    It was not until next week Alex would receive a response, but the words crafted would bring tears to her eyes. These words were elegant, smooth, and motivating, but the author that wrote the letter in response was quite the opposite.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Zerokz, this is an interesting first entry you have. I also really love the sweetness in contrast to the darkness that the prompt could have taken. It is very cool how her pen pal needs the cloud coverage before they could come out to get their letter. Obviously, they have an adverse effect to the Sun. I also really like Alex as a character. despite the short lengths, you give us hopefulness, sadness, resignation, acceptance, and elation.

      Critiques:

      She had never written so much of her personal life(.) (W)hat would her pen-pal think?

      3 o’clock(;) she was right on time.

      These are tiny, technical critiques, and they do nothing to lessen my enjoyment of your wonderful story. At first, I was confused as to where the eyes come into play. In a clever move, however, you use the letter to allow us to see through the eyes of the pen pal and see what their perspective is. That little glimpse of what they could possibly look like is also very smart, and it lends a mysterious nature to them. Her pen pal may appear monstrous and dangerous, but their dialogue would suggest that they are incredibly sweet and kind-hearted. And I just absolutely love their Joy over receiving Alex’s weekly letter. Really great stuff!

      1. Thank you! And thank you for the critiques!

  24. VeryBoringName Avatar
    VeryBoringName

    Emerald Eye
    By: VeryBoringName

    “What in the world is this?!”

    I muttered to myself as I looked at the white ball laying on my floor. An eyeball, with nerve and blood vessels separated so cleanly you could barely see the point where they were supposed to end. I had no idea who decided it was a good idea to poke some animal’s eyes out and leave it on my floor, I presumed it was dropped in by an open window. I got plastic gloves onto my hands, I needed to get rid of it.

    I picked it up and turned it around to see the front, a beautiful, enchanting emerald iris gazed upon me, it was like somebody engraved a gem into an eye, I could not stop looking. It then moved, on its own, it moved to look into my eyes, I nearly dropped it, but my hand suddenly stiffened, the only thing I could do was gaze into it.

    “What the ****”

    I said to myself as I looked into it, I felt as something sharp pierced my plastic glove, then skin, then I felt the feeling of something slithering into me, as if a worm was wriggling in my skin. The eyeball dissolved after that, and my hand was free again, I saw that there was a large tear in my plastic glove and a similarly large wound in my hand, I saw something grey wriggling in.

    I picked aggressively, but to no avail, the being disappeared further into me, I felt as something was moving through my arm up towards my body, I ran towards the kitchen shouting curses along the way, and grabbed the nearest knife.

    I screamed as I plunged the knife into my arm, but to no use, it was already moving up my throat, into my head, I felt a large pressure in my eyes, as something cleanly separated nerves and blood vessels and injected something into them, then pitch black.

    A body collapsed onto the floor as two pairs of blue eyes started rolling by themselves to the nearest opening for the rest of the world.

    1. You interpreted the prompt in such a literal sense! The concept of something always searching for a new pair of eyeballs is spine chilling and fascinating at the same time.

      The story is so clear and evident, even with the short amount of words you wounded it with. The character’s reaction was so well written and clear. The way they instinctively tried to get the being out was terrifyingly awesome.

      You really answered the call this prompt made, and executed it so well. I loved it!!

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is such a difficult story to get through, En. And that’s a good thing! The body horror is really great. I’m pretty sure I turned green a little bit while reading this. I’m wondering if the soul of the person inhabits the eyes. That’s how I interpreted it. I’m curious as to where the green eyes came from and what will happen to the eyes of the main character. Will the green eyed person now take over the main character’s life? This reminds me of a Stephen King story. It’s from his Night Shift anthology. It’s titled I Am the Doorway, and your story bears a striking resemblance to that one just in different ways.

      Critiques:

      You had a lot of irregular commas, and it was difficult to know where a sentence ended and where one started sometimes. Also, I think the speech tags (muttered, shouted, said, etc) were unnecessary because the main character is the only one that has dialogue, which is accompanied incredibly well with the main character’s body language.

      Beyond these critiques, the story is fabulous. Great job.

    3. Oh my word did this make me feel things. The idea of something happening to my eyesight is simply frightening to me to the point that I hate to even imagine it.

      I would say the sentences can be fairly long at times. Especially when you want to convey a sense of panic, splitting things up into a string of short sentences. Maybe something like this?

      “I picked aggressively. No avail. It crawled further in. I could feel it. Moving up my arm. Into my chest. I ran to the kitchen, cursing all the way.”

      Lots of little thoughts, following rapidly, because you don’t have lots of time to think when you’re panicking either.

  25. Are We Negotiating?
    By Marx

    “Matt.” She said. “Pleasure to finally meet you.”

    Matt jerked up in surprise at the girl who’d literally appeared before him in a burst of flames. “Do I…know you?”

    “Jasmine?” Daisy asked, still trying to recover from the utter chaos that happened mere minutes ago.

    “Try again, Mutt.” The new entrant replied venomously, her eyes glowing gold.

    “Oh…oh God…” The blood drained from Daisy’s face as a myriad of torturous scenes flashed before her, giving her no alternative but to cower behind Matt and try to keep it together.

    Daisy’s reaction told Matt all he needed to know. “Alex…”

    ‘She’ winked back at him. “You’ve been looking for me.”

    “I’d prefer we ACTUALLY meet instead of…whatever this is.” Matt growled.

    “Unlike the mutt over there, Jasmine actually WANTED to be my thrall. Having me take over her mind every now and then is part of the job. No one ever reads the fine print…”

    Matt looked over to Daisy, who had her eyes shut tight and was borderline hyperventilating.

    “And while we’re on preferences…” ‘Alex’ continued, “I’d prefer Death’s boytoy not want me dead. We don’t always get what we want.”

    “Maybe you should tell that to all those people you killed.” Matt grumbled back.

    “Grow up.” ‘Alex’ rolled his eyes. “I only feed every couple of centuries.”

    “It was thousands of people!”

    “Out of billions. Besides. It’s done. I’m not a threat to anyone now. Back…off…boy.”

    “Why?” Matt was shaking with righteous fury as he growled, “You’re the one hiding behind your thrall.”

    “Fine. I tried asking nicely. Maybe you might have noticed…one of your group is missing?” ‘Alex’ asked with a raised eyebrow.

    Matt looked around. His eyes widened as he finally saw the problem. “Shayna…”

    “Humans are such fragile creatures…”

    “If you so much as-” Matt started before Daisy gripped him tightly and slowly shook her head.

    “You might want to listen to her, boy.” ‘Alex’ grinned. “Choose your next words…very…carefully.”

    Matt grit his teeth. Shayna was under his protection. He couldn’t let her stay with this…monster. “…what do you want…?”

    ‘Alex’ nodded, chuckling softly. “Wise decision.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Let me see if I’m interpreting this story correctly. Matt is the deity that Shayna asked for help when she wanted to get rid of that demon from a previous installment who was overrunning her village. That demon has now used its thrall to inhabit the body of one of their friends to visit Matt and his friend Daisy on the human plane to negotiate for some kind of deal. It’s going to use Shayna as its bargaining chip. IF she isn’t already disposed of (I REALLY hope she isn’t). Please let me know if I’m wrong about any of this.

      There’s so much going on in the background of this story, and I really like how you framed it as a meeting. I’m truly interested to see what this demon’s or entity’s plans are for Matt. And poor Daisy. She’s caught all the middle of this. You’ve got me hooked, Marx! I can’t wait to see what happens next!

      1. That was surprisingly mostly accurate lol. The only bit that was wrong(which I just didn’t have time to get into the specifics of) is that Jasmine and Daisy were actually both Alex’s thralls(basically forced servants) but Daisy was able to get away, hence why she’s so terrified of him. Everything else was right on the money and I’m really happy that it was all coherent lol.

    2. It is just me or is this just a segment of a much much bigger story, all I have right now are questions? Burst into the room as fire? What is she a pheonix? An angel? A Demon? And there are five characters in this scene, if you include name drops! I want to know what led up to this!

      1. Lol this is absolutely a small segment of a much bigger story. I’ve been trying to keep them standalone but rewarding if you do follow them every week. To answer your question though, Alex is a demon. And the short answer of what led up to this is Shayna, a demon hunter, went to Matt, the horseman of Death, for help with Alex, a powerful demon. There’s a lot more, but that’s probably the most necessary information for this one.

    3. Preserves Roses Avatar
      Preserves Roses

      I found this story really fascinating, but also kind of confusing. It seems like two god like beings are having a discussion with a third person as a bargaining chip, but there are so many other names getting mentioned I had a bit of trouble keeping track of who was talking. The end bit is really good though. The power struggle of these two characters really comes through. I do find myself wondering what it is Alex wants from Matt.

      1. Lol I tried to keep this as bare bones and only have the people who were absolutely necessary to the scene but I can see how it would be a little confusing. I’m glad it was still an enjoyable read though. Thank you so much for the review!

  26. JosieDearly Avatar
    JosieDearly

    Lioness’s Bite
    by JosieDearly

    “So, Tommy, any new gossip you have for me today?” Val asked of the sleazy but fancily-dressed man, carefully picking up a glass from the sink rack and wiping it dry.

    Tommy smiled through his pint glass, gulping up the last of his drink before slamming it down.

    “Well, I had a great time with this lovely lady I met the other night,” he blabbered with a cocky, drunken grin, “doesn’t compare t’you of course, but whoo, she was a wild one.”

    “Oh? How was she wild?” She checked her glass one more time in the warm light, before turning around and looking through her various bottles of alcohol. She could already feel Tommy’s sloppy gaze all over her, but those eyes won’t be taking her in much longer.

    “Ah, she’s a fighter,” he said with misplaced pride, not noticing the two figures that emerged from the back room, “but I damn well wrestled her into submission!”

    The two in question, a tall man and short woman, began to close the bar, despite the obvious customer. The man lowered all the blinds on every window, while the woman locked the door and changed the sign to “CLOSED”. Tommy was too busy gloating to notice he was being trapped.

    “I see,” Val nodded as she grabbed one of her specialty drinks, Lioness’s Bite, and poured one out for him. He snatched the glass out of her hand and gulped it right down.

    “Whoo! That’s got a kick to it!” he laughed.

    A few seconds later, he was on the floor, hacking and coughing as his insides slowly tore themselves apart. The last things he saw were the two figures standing over him, and Val crouching down so he could see her better.

    “Thank you for your service, Thomas O’Hara,” she whispered, her eyes shining like ice and her smile baring sharp canines, “but know that the Mastermind doesn’t appreciate you taking advantage of her other contacts.”

    Moving his body was going to be a problem. But revenge was served, so Val didn’t mind cleaning up.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is really good, Josie! I’m always down for a good revenge story. Thomas got exactly what he deserved! I also really love that there’s stuff going on in the background during Thomas’s disgusting bragging. The R mention wasn’t as bad as I personally thought it would be. I also really love that Thomas is an idiot as well as an a-hole because that makes his demise all the more cathartic. I hope that poor girl will be okay.

      I love how meticulous and quiet the people are who are closing up shop. Val’s character is very interesting and endearing. I love that she is so cold towards terrible people. It brings a complexity to her character without you having to even state it. Absolutely no critiques from me on this one.

      Thank you for the heads-up. Love the story!

    2. Connor A. Avatar
      Connor A.

      Revenge stories are a guilty pleasure of mine, and this piece delivers on that. I could see just how despicable Thomas was and felt relieved when he was punished for what he did. The Mastermind is a really cool aspect of this story; she gave this piece the feeling that the reader is in a bigger world and observing one of the ways she influences things.

  27. Connor A. Avatar
    Connor A.

    “Final Moments of Control” (Sword Isles)
    By Connor A.

    King Henry stared at his reflection. To anyone else, it would look like how he usually looked, albeit with more prominent bags under his brown eyes. To him, he saw a sickly pale thing staring back with green eyes so bright that it gave Henry a headache just from looking at them.

    “You’re losing control, my friend.” The thing’s voice was mocking in a way that sent pure rage through Henry’s veins.

    “I won’t let you have the satisfaction,” Henry spoke low as to not alert anyone outside his room.

    “Then I will rip it from your cold, dead hands.”

    Henry punched the mirror and watched as blood ran down the shattered glass.

    “We both know it’s not that easy.”

    Henry clutched his head with both hands. As he stumbled back, his heart began to beat faster and his breaths became shorter. “Foul… beast. What… What are you… doing to me?!” He collapsed onto the floor in a mess of hyperventilation and fading resistance. As his vision blurred, he could make out a pair of legs nonchalantly approaching him.

    “My name is Edward.”

    *

    Sally Shell was new to the castle, but she heard from the older servants that the king had come down with some unknown illness. Not knowing what else to do, she made a bowl of soup and took it to the king’s room.

    She gave a timid knock. When she did not get a response, she spoke up, “Hello? Sir? I… I heard you was sick, and… Well, soup always helps me when I catch a bug, so…”

    The door slowly swung open. There stood a thin man she did not recognize, though she felt that she should find him familiar. All it took was a silent shake of his head to let Sally know what happened.

    She dropped the soup and ran off to tell the others, tears streaming down her face.

    If she had stayed for a second longer, she would have seen a brief flicker in the man’s eyes— a simple shift from green to brown before going back to green.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Henry’s beast consumed him! Technically, Edward has overtaken Henry, but I doubt that Edward is going to let Henry roam as free as he once was. Oooohh, Connor, that’s so good! I really love how this can be interpreted in different ways. In one instance, it could be some demon from another dimension who happens to look like him and he can traverse between reality and his own dimension via the mirror. It could also very well be Henry’s own dark deeds coming to light and growing their own conscience to overtake him. I really love the nature of ambiguity in regards to how this monster came to be. This is also honestly really well written. I especially love the way you emphasize the eyes and how no one can see a difference except for Henry. No critiques from me other than I wish there was more of this. Really good stuff, man!

      1. Connor A. Avatar
        Connor A.

        Thanks! As the names and nature of this story probably gave away, there’s a lot of influence from Jekyll and Hyde when it came to King Henry. I find the idea fascinating and wanted to explore how it would affect people when “Jekyll and Hyde” were in a position of power instead of being a more or less ordinary scientist. I’m also a lover of eye symbolism, so this prompt was excellent for that.

    2. JosieDearly Avatar
      JosieDearly

      I love the way you interpreted the prompt, it is CHILLING to say the least. I can only wonder what will happen to our dear King Henry. I believe he got subsumed into Edward’s being, which left his body to die, and oof that is not pleasant. You did a great job building up the dread!

      1. Connor A. Avatar
        Connor A.

        Thank you! I was actually kinda worried that the dread of Henry’s situation was lost since I picked up at the final stretches of his battle against Edward. I’m not usually one to focus on political figures in my stories (not in detail, at least), but I am excited to work more on Henry and Edward.

    3. LumiKat117 Avatar
      LumiKat117

      Oooh very interesting, to have his inner beast take complete control like that. It’s almost like a sort of Jekyll and Hyde situation, or at least that’s how it felt to me. Like perhaps Edward was the result of a curse, or perhaps a result of repression? I’m not sure but it has me very intrigued as to what exactly is going on. Will Edward claim the throne or perhaps Henry is still in there somewhere, but now he’s in the background. Very well done Connor!

      1. Connor A. Avatar
        Connor A.

        Thanks! Jekyll and Hyde was actually a big inspiration for this, so you felt the story right. I definitely want to go into more detail about this situation since it’s the reason for the current events of this world.

  28. Lunabear Avatar
    Lunabear

    Embers Reignited
    by Lunabear

    “Coward!” I bellow from across the courtyard.

    The offender turns, his expression ragged.

    My gait is deliberate despite the limp.

    I draw my trusty dagger and point it squarely at his bobbing throat.

    “Unsheath your blade, you hapless scum, so that I may do away with you!”

    His eyes gaze upon me disdainfully, but he does not remove his sword.

    I sneer at his weakness. “Faced with the wretched deeds of your past, and you’ve nothing to say?? Speak, cur!”

    His continued silence infuriates me. My grip trembles around the hilt, yet I refuse to relinquish my weapon.

    “How I long to score my blade across your throat and allow the tarnished emblem of your ruined kingdom to flow freely from your withered veins!”

    His response is quiet, off-putting: “And should you manage such a feat, what comes afterward? Could you face your own demons and the guilt of another’s blood upon your hands?” He stands inches from me, now. “Are you willing to live with the ghosts of those you’ve slain weighing down your soul for the remainder of your days?”

    My steely gaze falters for but a moment. He has seen it, however.

    “No. You are merely a boy playing pretend. The cause you fight for is an ignoble one, and you lack the discipline and knowledge to carry out this foolhardy task you’re so recklessly defending. Go home, child. This war is not something you want to start.”

    He turns from me, his graying black hair whipping in the sandy breeze. The gates open to admit him.

    Hot tears speed down my cheeks as I charge forward. My dagger is poised to kill.

    “Protect His Majesty!” Armed knights take aim.

    My focus remains on the betrayer.

    He turns, and in one fluid motion, he captures my wrist. “Impudent whelp.”

    Fear steals my breath. The steel thuds into the dirt.

    His eyes turn from forest green to glacial emerald. Regret. Resentment. Malice. Hatred.

    “You refused to heed me in your freedom. Perhaps imprisonment will suffice.”

    I wrestle vainly against his persistent leading.

    The gates close on my screams.

    1. Connor A. Avatar
      Connor A.

      Oh, my interest is piqued! I love how you put focus on the actions for this scene; I had a clear image of what was going on even when people were speaking. On the topic of speech, the dialogue between these two was captivating. I get the sense that the king was disappointed in a way when the POV character didn’t heed his warning. This was a great piece overall.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so much for your review, Connor! I’m so thankful that the scene and the dialogue came through. And yes! I am so incredibly thankful that you picked up on the disappointment from the King! I’m also very happy that you enjoyed the story! Your feedback is truly appreciated!

    2. JosieDearly Avatar
      JosieDearly

      Reading this really pains and intrigues me. I really want to know the history these two have, but there’s only so much I can gleam from 250-350 words! I also love the way you space out the lines. At first I thought it was strange, but as I read though, I realize that it helps pace out the quickness of this scene.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        I’m really glad you experienced more than one emotion from the story. It lets me know that the goal was achieved. There’s so much more to flesh out in regards to the story, and if a future prompt allows, I will add more to it. I’m very thankful that you found something to like about it. Thank you so very much for your feedback, Josie!

    3. LumiKat117 Avatar
      LumiKat117

      Ohhhh VERY interesting, I have so many wonderful questions. What has the betrayer done to insight the boy’s wrath? Are they both kings, or perhaps the boy is a prince? I am dying with curiousity over the events that lead up to this. Also I was a little confused, were the guards talking about protecting the boy or the betrayer? That was a little unclear to me but that’s probably either just me or intentional. Very well done, Luna!

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you for the beautiful questions, Lumi! I’m so very pleased that you enjoyed the story! If another installment allows, I will flesh out these characters and their dynamic. My apologies for the confusion. The guards were talking about the older man. Only he is a king. The boy is not. That’s all I can divulge at present. You got me totally excited to write more already! Thank you so much for your review! It’s extremely appreciated! I hope to write more on it soon!

    4. I absolutely love what you did with the prompt, Luna! Silence is often more powerful than words. I think it’s fascinating when a writer can incorporate silence into their writing, and do so this brilliantly. The boy’s voice is just perfect. I can see the whole thing playing out in my head like a movie. I just wish the kid had listened to his foe. Poor soul. Hats off to ya, Luna!

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so very much, Cansas! Your review is much appreciated. The king’s silence is more to give the boy a chance to think things through, but he’s far too emotional to think logically. And indeed he should have listened to him. Thank you again!

    5. The discussion and dialogue in this piece are amazing to say the least. You do an amazing job in capturing the attention of someone reading this and draw them in while also having them actually believe they are in a different time and place.

      It took me a moment to find (what I believed) to be the beast in the story in the older character’s regret and power. I was slightly hoping in more detail in that regard but there are only so many words allowed before hitting the limit.

      As someone who aims to improve in writing characters and dialogue, this piece has taught me a lot and I’d love to read future entries by you and get swept away in them.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so very much for your review and feedback; it is incredibly appreciated! The beast in the story can be interpreted in different ways: it could be the boy’s emotional state, as one friend pointed out to me, it could be the king’s regret and power, or it could be the king reawakening a part of himself that had been dormant for a while. That part is all up to interpretation.

        Would you believe me if I told you this story has no background? I based the story around the threat about slitting the king’s throat at the boy gives, and that’s it. Although, now, the background is slowly falling into place. If the opportunity arises again, I will expand on that backstory.

        I am so glad and honored that you found ways to improve through reading the story. That’s magnificent! I have no doubt that if you continue practicing with the writing, you will definitely improve. Thank you again!

    6. Skye Doust Avatar
      Skye Doust

      Strong start. First word and you’ve caught me up already.
      What a scene. The emotions are palpable, you manage to get my sympathy for the POV character initially, then twist it slightly. Just enough for me to question that initial connection to the POV character, and then by the end, even if I do not fully agree with him, my sympathies are once again with him.
      Your characters themselves are so striking, with very few words, you make their individual presence impactful. Like how I can feel the difference between the whelp and the betrayer.
      Gorgeous little snippet, thank you.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so very much for the kind words and feedback, Skye. You have no idea how happy I am that you enjoyed this. And I am so thankful that the boy and the king being their own distinct individual came across so strongly! It’s great that you sympathize with both of them, as well. Whenever the opportunity should arise, I will definitely show more of this situation, perhaps even from the king’s perspective. Thank you again! ❤️

    7. This story really packs a punch! Especially with the ending there! I weirdly empathize with the betrayer, in the sense that he gave the boy a chance to leave and only after he truly acted on his threats was any action taken and even then it was imprisonment over killing the boy. Though I’d assume the boy was well within his rights to be so angry at this ruler. It’s one of those stories that makes you ask a lot of questions even though the answers aren’t necessary. I also love that you have an idea of what time period this is all going on just from the dialogue. I get a Kick out of little things like that. Great story!

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so much for your review and enthusiasm, Marx! Yes! I love it so much that you sympathize with the betrayer! And the boy does indeed have rights to be angry with this King. I am really so very happy that you enjoyed this story, and I love that you picked up on the fact that the king kept giving the boy chances even though he had every right to just do away with him. In fact, the king could have very well had the boy executed for attempted murder. I have every intention of making more stories in this universe. Thank you so much for enjoying the dialogue. That was one of my favorite parts to write in the story. I very much appreciate your review!

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