Writing Group: It was an Accident (PRIVATE)

Hello, Klutzes and Oopsie-daisies.

Hey, shouldn’t you be a little more careful? Yeah, I know you’ve watched how this is done, but– no no, I’m not doubting you. I would just mind your surroundings a little more, because…

This week’s Writing Group prompt is:

It was an Accident

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

Ah, a prompt of familiarity. We’ve all been here. Broken mother’s favourite vase, or tripped on our shoelaces in the playground. And with every accident, comes a new story.

For example, you could regale us with the time you were playing in the sandbox and out of excitement for snacks, you trailed sand all over the floor. It could be that time you were rushing for work and your coat got caught in the train door. Perhaps an unlucky soul was running late for an appointment, only to be made even later by spilling the shampoo all over the floor. Or maybe even someone’s first ever car accident as she forgot to put the car in reverse, driving right into the garage door.

One thing to keep in mind is all the times we said things were accidents, when sometimes they weren’t. Like a bully crashing their elbow into someone’s lunch and knocking it to the floor. Maybe a witch lighting someone’s hair on fire, then shrugging and claiming it was the wrong spell. A vampire meaning to kill their prey, but they turned instead, and it’s the vampire’s duty to teach them. Maybe the cat that won’t stop knocking everything off the shelf because how dare you clutter his 57th nap spot. Or even just a child colouring all over the walls in permanent marker and every lipstick in the bag and claiming it was an accident, but you know that rouge and hot pink… puppy? Whatever it is, it didn’t draw itself.

There’s so many opportunities, and we could even get really meta with this one. We all have baby stories, after all.

So go wild! But within reason, of course. 

You wouldn’t want to break something… would you?

—Shawna

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

Tune into the stream this Saturday at 7:00pm CST to see if you made the cut!

The whole purpose of this is to show off the creativity of the community, while also helping each other to become better writers. Lean into that spirit, and get ready to help each other improve their confidence in their writing, as well as their skill with their craft!

Rules and Guidelines

We read at least four stories during each stream, two of which come from the public post, and two of which come from the much smaller private post. Submissions are randomly selected by a bot, but likes on your post will improve your chances of selection, so be sure to share your submission on social media!

  1. Text and Formatting

    1. English only.
    2. Prose only, no poetry or lyrics.
    3. Use proper spelling, grammar, and syntax.
    4. Your piece must be between 250-350 words (you can use this website to see your wordcount).
    5. Include a submission title and an author name (doesn’t have to be your real name). Do not include any additional symbols or flourishes in this part of your submission. Format them exactly as you see in this example, or your submission may not be eligible: Example Submission.
    6. No additional text styling (such as italics or bold text). Do not use asterisks, hyphens, or any other symbol to indicate whether text should be bold, italic, or styled in any other way. CAPS are okay, though.
  2. What to Submit

    1. Keep submissions “safe-for-work”; be sparing with sexuality, violence, and profanity.
    2. Try to focus on making your submission a single meaningful moment rather than an entire story.
    3. Write something brand new (no re-submitting past entries or pieces written for other purposes
    4. No fan fiction whatsoever. Take inspiration from whatever you’d like, but be transformative and creative with it. By submitting, you also agree that your piece does not infringe on any existing copyrights or trademarks, and you have full license to use it.
    5. Submissions must be self-contained (everything essential to understanding the piece is contained within the context of the piece itself—no mandatory reading outside the piece required. e.g., if you want to write two different pieces in the same setting or larger narrative, you cannot rely on information from one piece to fill in for the other—they must both give that context independently).
  3. Submission Rules

    1. One submission per participant.
    2. Submit your entry in a comment on this post.
    3. Submissions close at 12:00pm CST each Saturday.
    4. You must like and leave a review on two other submissions to be eligible. Your reviews must be at least 50 words long, and must be left directly on the submission you are reviewing, not on another comment. If you’re submitting to the private post, feel free to leave these reviews on either the private or the public post. The two submissions you like need not be the same as the submissions you review.
    5. Use the same e-mail for your posts, reviews, and likes, or you may be rendered ineligible (you may change your username or author name between posts without problem, however).
    6. You may submit to either or both the public/private groups if you have access, but if you decide to submit to both, only the private group submission will be eligible.
    7. Understand that by submitting here, you are giving us permission to read your submission aloud live on stream and upload public, archived recordings of said stream to our social media platforms. You will always be credited, but only by the author name you supply as per these rules. No other links or attributions are guaranteed.

Comments on this post that aren’t submissions will be deleted, except for replies/reviews left on existing submissions.


Comments

149 responses to “Writing Group: It was an Accident (PRIVATE)”

  1. Seven Candids
    by Brickosaur

    Image ID:

    Seven photos taken in rapid succession, accompanied by a dented disposable camera.

    Photo 1: Two adults sitting in short canvas chairs, facing each other and smiling. In the chairs’ arms are glasses filled with a translucent golden-brown liquid. One is wearing a purple pointed hat with a wide brim, matching robes, and sunglasses. The other is in a pink tank top and khaki shorts. He is severely sunburned. In the background is a half-collapsed tent and various trees commonly found in rainforests.

    Photo 2: Both heads are turned toward the camera. Their poses are otherwise unchanged. The tip of a shiny, red tail can be seen in the top left corner of the image.

    Photo 3: The pair is standing and facing front. One chair has been knocked onto its back. The woman in purple is brandishing a polished stick, approximately eight inches long. She has an angry expression, and appears to be shouting. The other one is running toward the camera with his hands out.

    Photo 4: The sunburned person is much closer to the camera. His face and hands suggest a placating gesture. The woman is pointing her stick at him with an accusatory glare. Her hat is falling toward the ground.

    Photo 5: An unintelligible blur of colors and forms.

    Photo 6: Close-up of a reptilian face, upside-down. The animal has bright red scales, wide eyes, and an open mouth with several sharp fangs.

    Photo 7: A blurry shot, apparently taken sideways. A small, red, winged creature appears to be fleeing toward shadowy brown shapes in the near distance, presumably trees. Several small figures are flying out of the trees, into a clear, cerulean sky.

    End ID.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Somebody got some pictures of dragons. Oops. This is a very clever spin on the prompt, Brick. You’re really good at finding fun ways of writing stories. I’m curious as to who’s taking the pictures and why they left the camera behind. I suppose it could have been a dragon in haste to get away from the wizard. Fun, inventive, and hilarious. Great work!

    2. Gregory Hess Avatar
      Gregory Hess

      Very interesting piece. I’m not one hundred percent sure what is going on, but that seems fine here. My main concern is that this may not really be prose and so may not be read on stream. Otherwise, the disconnected storytelling seem to work in conveying an idea of what happened without giving us too much or outright telling us. Good job!

    3. This is a very interestinng piece, and may I say, a very interesting accident.

      Hear my theory. The accident is not the attack, or what ever happened between the humans (and I dont think the one person is actually sunburned), the accident is the fact it was caught on camera.

      The accident is that there is proof.

      I am not sure if this takes place in a (Urban)fantasy world, but there is definitly something akin to magic is involved.

      A very intriguing story brick! I wonder what happened!

  2. L. L. Marco Avatar
    L. L. Marco

    A Simple Miscalculation (Defusion Universe)
    By L. L. Marco

    Pauly paced the room. His eyes traced over every surface in search of…

    Something.

    He couldn’t’ be sure what it was, but there had to be something left behind. With all his years at the institute he’d learned that ‘accidents’ very rarely happened. Every employee was so meticulous and calculating, hand-picked to work without flaw. Even a rookie could see this was no accident.

    “Standard procedure.” The phrase came like second nature as Pauly pulled his mask up and reached for the storage door.

    “The area’s been cleansed, sir. Tre had the mind to make a neutralizing reagent before he’d even finished the solution itself.”

    Haru smiled but made no other indication of emotion at the mention of his lab partner. After 10 years of being at the institution, Pauly still couldn’t get past how robotic the employees behaved. Brows furrowed, Pauly slipped off the mask and stepped cautiously into the enclosed room.

    Cases of various compounds lined the walls, some kept to temperature by the faint whirring of a cooler. They were sealed with standard microchip readers but Pauly’s chip hadn’t been granted access to their contents. Not like he’d know what the hell he was looking at anyways.

    Just as he’d been told, the scene remained untouched. A pressurized container lay on its side, the contents inside long gone.

    “You were here?” he asked, slipping on a glove before carefully picking it up.

    “Yes.”

    “And you did nothing?”

    “The doors sealed. You know this.”

    Pauly inspected the container but his attention was fully on Haru.

    “Tre’s brilliant. It’s so sad that an accident destroyed all that. Doctor Biopelo will be so disappointed; he had so much promise.` Haru, despite his words, seemed almost happy about it.

    Pauly waited for the scientist to become engrossed in his work before he spoke again.

    “Good thing he’ll recover, eh?”

    There. For just a fraction of a second, a frown flickered across the scientists face before being replaced with a gasp of joy.

    “He’s alive!?”

    Pauly smirked. Now he knew this wasn’t an accident. All he had to do was prove it.

    1. WolfsbaneX Avatar
      WolfsbaneX

      I really liked how you set up a possible continuation. While the piece could use a little polish, that did not impede the story. The only part I got confused about was when you write “T were sealed…” I’m confused. Other than that, I think this could be an excellent start to a corporate political thriller. I hope you write more of this.

    2. I like the names you picked for this scene. Pretty cool to have the hint of an intrigue story within what feels like an otherwise very sterile lab setting. The wooden interactions between employees reinforce that, stretching the juxtaposition.

      I noted a couple proofreading errors — in “what the hell,” hell should be lowercase; and “robotic” should be an adverb.

      My last piece of advice would be to tighten up the scene just a bit. There are some extraneous details that don’t really add to the story, such as the MC having worked there for 10 years.

      That’s it. Nice work 🙂

    3. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      There’s some great deception here, Marco. I like how you set up the daily routine of the scientists and how meticulous everyone is.

      Critiques:

      “Standard procedure(.)” The phrase came like second nature

      “You were here?” (h)e asked

      Doctor Biopelo will be so disappointed(;) he had so much promise.

      For just a fraction of a second(,) a frown flickered across the scientist(‘)s face before being replaced with a gasp of joy

      Haru has a terrible poker face. That, or Pauly has a keen eye for catching subtle facial expressions. Glad the victim survived. This feels like a part of a bigger story, and I wouldn’t mind see more of it. Nice job!

    4. DesOttsel Avatar
      DesOttsel

      This was really good, the pacing and build up was great. You could tell Pauly was being inquisitive, but not trying to show it. One thing that bugs me is the second to last sentence is useless. You could remove all of “he knew this wasn’t an accident.” and it would read much cleaner imo.

  3. Cansas Wanderlust Avatar
    Cansas Wanderlust

    I Tried
    By Cansas Wanderlust

    Blood dripped down the obsidian blade like morning dew from a leaf.

    Dale knelt in a pool of thick crimson, her eyes sweeping the room. The once lively bar was now dark and dead. The bartender’s body lay across a table. Beneath were the remains of his daughter.

    “Kid?” A deep voice came from the door.

    Dale was too lost in her thoughts to notice. It wasn’t until the man put a hand on her shoulder that Dale acknowledged him.

    She whirled around and kicked him hard in the chest. He went stumbling back into a wall. Within seconds, Dale was on top of him, pinning him to the wall with the obsidian blade pressed to his throat.

    Her face was hard as stone, her eyes sharper than any steel.

    “Hey hey hey, kid. You remember me?”

    Her features softened.

    “Stranger?”

    “Yeah, kid. It’s me.”

    Dale’s eyes grew wide with realization. She dropped the blade and staggered away from him.

    Stranger rubbed his throat. ‘Risking my life for a killer, oh if mamma could see me now.’ he thought.

    The girl was running bloody claws through her mangled hair. Stranger was surprised at how young and fragile she looked. He put a hand on her shoulder. The first time he did that he’d nearly lost the hand, and had the scar to prove it. This time she looked up at him with bright orange eyes and all but collapsed against him.

    “I-I didn’t meant to. I tried to stop, I-I really tried, but I can’t fight this. I can’t beat him, Stranger. You have to find a way to kill me.”

    “Come on now, kid.” Stranger said, wrapping his arms around her trembling form. “I’m looking, you know I am. But even if we find a way, he will keep terrorizing the Four Corners even after you’re dead. You are our best shot at putting down that son of a bitch.”

    Dale took a few shuddering breaths, then with Stranger’s help, got to her feet.

    “Before we go, you better bind my hands.”

    Stranger nodded solemnly. “As you wish.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I’m always happy to see Stranger, Cansas. This particular story, however, is the heaviest involving him thus far, I believe. I don’t know what I was expecting of Dale, but this certainly isn’t it. She’s super intense, and I immediately want to know her history.

      No offense, but Dale seems kind of unstable to me. Not sure of that was the intention, but that’s the impression I got. I will say that she seems repentant and appears to know her limits, even if she can’t control her instincts.

      I really like how calm Stranger is in this situation. It lends a sense of history to both of them, but it also shows how level-headed he can be under heated circumstances. I would definitely love to see how this storyline progresses, because it’s very immersive and intriguing. Brava!

      1. Cansas Wanderlust Avatar
        Cansas Wanderlust

        Dale and Stranger are both main characters in the novel series i’m working on. I haven’t shared much of Dale yet because i’m still trying to figure her out. She is most definitely not stable. She was tortured and mutated to be a stone cold killer. She’s been learning to control that part of her, but here she lost control and Stranger had to go out and bring her back home.

        Stranger’s like the cool uncle that says “alright, no more drinks for you kiddo.” Only in this case it’s “alright, no more late night slaughters for you kiddo.”

        I really appreciate the review. I’m trying to play with Dale more and see how other people interpret her character. So thank you!

    2. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      This is great!! A super intriguing story. It sounds like this is a part of a longer story? As always with this group, these little stories make me very curious about the larger world, haha!!

      It seems like Dale has some curse on her? Or is maybe possessed in some way? The “I can’t beat him” “he will keep terrorizing the Four Corners even after you’re dead.” makes it sound like she’s a host to some sort of dark being? I’m not sure if it’s due to the being/curse, but it seems she’s not fully human either? “bloody claws” and “bright orange eyes”…Not sure if she was born as some animal-like creature, or if she’s cursed to have these less human features when she’s being controlled by this being?? (I also loved those images too, very vivid!). I’m super curious. Or maybe I’m just reading to much into it XD

      My favorite part writing-wise was this:
      “Blood dripped down the obsidian blade like morning dew from a leaf.
      Dale knelt in a pool of thick crimson, her eyes sweeping the room. The once lively bar was now dark and dead. The bartender’s body lay across a table. Beneath were the remains of his daughter.”
      Chefs kiss. I can really imagine this, and the language is beautiful. I’m bad at setting myself, so whenever someone sets up the scene well I really appreciate it, haha!
      I’m really curious about this dead daughter. It definitely invokes a different feeling seeing a bunch of dead men in a bar, vs a daughter. Invokes much more sympathy, at least for me. Though perhaps the daughter was the target, if the being had one? I’m curious if this was just an isolated moment of her losing control, or if there was someone she (or the being within her) was specifically trying to kill here.

      I absolutely love their names too. Not sure if I’ve heard “Dale”used as a girl’s name before, and I love it.
      And I freaking loved how the person seemed like a Stranger at first, and then when she recognized him is name was literally “Stranger”…that was fabulous.

      A couple minor critiques:

      “Risking my live” did you mean life? Not sure if he has a funny way of speaking/thinking. (I LOVE the line as a whole though!! It made me smile)

      It also was a little strange for me when it seemed to be in Dale’s perspective, and then switched to Stranger’s (I did enjoy hearing Stranger’s thoughts though). But maybe the overall perspective is omniscient so it makes sense if you read it in the larger context of the story?

      Overall I really love this, and it intrigued me!! Keep up the good work!!

      1. Cansas Wanderlust Avatar
        Cansas Wanderlust

        This was a piece for a much, much larger story. Dale and Stranger are both characters in the novel series i’m working on. (Stranger’s book was what i wrote for NaNoWriMo this year) Dale was the first character a made up when i was nine, (she wasn’t as stabby back then XD) The “him” she can’t beat is her father, he did magic mutation things (i’m still working stuff out) to turn her part wolf. He’s created her to be a perfect killer. (using less than ideal methods… torture.)

        This was her loosing control after doing better with the help of Stranger and a few other characters.

        I brought in the daughter to invoke more sympathy so i’m really glad that worked.

        And I used the name Dale because i didn’t want a feminine name. And because I when you rearrange the letters you get her birth name which is Elda.

        The name Stranger is just me being a Tolkien nerd. His name is Agmore but he’s known as Stranger, (for reasons i’m still coming up with) Instead of Aragorn who is known as Strider.

        I’m really bad at perspectives. XD I was playing around with the internal dialogue a little bit. Sorry it’s a bit messy. And that “live” should have been “life” *face palm* The simple things always get me.

        Thank you so much for the review! It really helps to see how other people interpret certain characters. I haven’t played with Dale too much (my focus has been on Stranger) or shared much of her. Anyway, thank you thank you thank you!

    3. DesOttsel Avatar
      DesOttsel

      The character’s are really strong in this. I think you broke up and paced the dialogue well, and the descriptions and physicality are really well done, but one thing that is bugging me is I thought Dale was a man despite all the feminine pronouns for the first couple paragraphs. I just glossed over them because my mind is going Dale = Man, Dale = Man, Dale = Man. Maybe it’s just not popular in America for girls anymore

      “I-I didn’t meant to.” I think it should be “mean” unless this is a stylistic choice to have her talk wrong.

      1. Cansas Wanderlust Avatar
        Cansas Wanderlust

        It was supposed to be mean. I always miss tiny things like that. Somewhere in there i wrote “live” instead of “life” That is why school has always been a nightmare. XD

        It’s funny because the first time i heard the name Dale, was when I picked it out for this character. So in my head it’s always been a gender neutral name.

        If it helps at all, her birth name is Elda. If you switch those letters around it spells Dale.

        Thank you so much for the review!

  4. WolfsbaneX Avatar
    WolfsbaneX

    “The Tea House Incident”
    By Hemming Sebastian Bane

    Orinei finished the alcove’s decorations. The scroll was a beautiful calligraphy poem of the joy of friendship with a white and purple iris in a vase underneath. The tea house host turned the vase gingerly making sure the five bats were clearly displayed. Taking the shears in her hand, she looked over the stem. Eight flowers.

    Orinei froze. Eight would not do. She had to get it right. Otherwise she’d bring shame on Taihuayo. That could not happen. The jorogumo grabbed the flower and clipped a flower from the stem. Orinei sighed, a weight lifted. Now she could finish with the meal prep for the first part of the ceremony.

    The guests were a little late, and for that Orinei was grateful. It gave her plenty of time to get everything ready and then take her silks down. One by one, the guests, five tanuki, entered the tea house. The most important, a graying tanuki, bowed to Orinei and looked over the alcove decorations. The jorogumo pushed down her anxiety as she took her place.

    One by one, the guests sat on the cushions set for them. Then, the older tanuki spoke.

    “What’s the occasion?”

    Orinei bowed. “This tea ceremony is to honor your closest friends, my lord.”

    The host then poured each guest a teacup full of hot water. The meal was the worst of it. One of them requested plum wine and had gotten sloppy drunk. Orinei was more than happy when it came time to usher the guests out, clean the tea house, and prepare for the tea ceremony.

    As the jorogumo swept, one of the tanuki came in through the host entrance.

    “Pardon the request of this humble one, but the preparations are not done.”

    “I’m here for the message.”

    Orinei paused. “The what?”

    The tanuki pointed to the vase. “Iris means good news. You’re the assassin?”

    Orinei’s broom clattered to the floor. What was he talking about? What did she DO now? The host started to shake. This…this couldn’t be happening.

    “Listen, the head of the clan has got to go. Tonight.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Nnoooooooooo!! This is one of the worst cases of mistaken identities I’ve come across so far! Poor Orinei! all because she wanted to make everything look pristine and wonderful for this tea ceremony.

      Wolf, you do an outstanding job of letting us know Orinei and a few of her mannerisms. It must have been difficult to sit through that dinner because of the person that decides to get sloppy drunk (the second worst kind of drunk, in my opinion). Then the ending blow is incredibly unexpected. What did the head of the clan do that was so terrible? or is it simply a case of this person can do it better or this person just wants that power position?

      From her questioning what she did to warrant the unfortunate visit, I’m guessing Orinei either gets into a lot of bad situations or she has low confidence. Or is very shy. I really honestly want to know what happens after this point. From the title, (which I love) there’s got to be more to this for it to become an “incident.” at least, that’s how I feel because I honestly want to read more from this particular storyline.

      Great job on letting the reader figure some stuff out by your descriptions and your structure. Awesome story, man.

    2. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      Yokai hitbeings, that is a new one on me. Really I like the slow burn of this piece and how you gave hints to the nature of main character. It also helps if you know the yokai in question.

      Really love this story and the twist at the end of it and how it ties into the prompt.

    3. The Assassin Avatar
      The Assassin

      Man, more people are stealing my job. Assassination is hard work you know. All jokes aside this is a great little story that really gets me understanding the protagonist. The delicacy with which they work and their meticulous planning is immaculate until of course it falls apart and they mistake them for an assassin. I really quite like this one as it feels very small and personal while also creating a very large and exciting twist. Well done 🙂

    4. ThatWeirdFish Avatar
      ThatWeirdFish

      Well done, Wolf! I like all the little cultural details you packed into this piece. As someone who appreciates the secret language of flowers, it was nice to see it represented here. I also love the concept you presented here; even though she was fastidious about every detail, an important one escaped her. Again, well done!

    5. Gregory Hess Avatar
      Gregory Hess

      Stupid precision tea customs, ruining days sense 10 bajillion years ago! All joke aside, there are some really interesting aspects of this story. For one, this Tanuki is not very good at ordering hits. You would think you would know who your assassins and confidants where so stuff like this wouldn’t happen, or at least have a more surefire way of identifying them, like a passphrase. This idiot’s poor operational security has no 2essentially ensured that the clan leader will know what’s coming and book it. Also, you really portray how precise the ceremony is, as well as just how many times ridiculous accident’s happen to this poor jorogumo.

  5. “Fools Luck”
    By Exce (Checked by Luna)

    He stood at the foot of the steep rock, a rugged spine at the edge of his fields.

    It wasn’t close enough to the edge as that he would have to keep his children away from it, which had now proven unwise as they had somehow managed to lodge a ball multiple feet up in a rocky outcropping.

    He pulled off his hat, resting it on the grass before rolling up the perpetually stained sleeves of his working shirt. Maybe he should tell them off from playing here, which would probably save him some worry in the future.

    With a sigh, Excelsius stepped closer, running his hand along the rock until he found a fist hand hold. Even with his magic and abilities gone, the daily work had kept him in good exercise.
    He slowly moved higher, fingers wedged into cracks and feet resting on narrow protrusions.
    But the higher he climbed, the more porous the stone grew, having been battered and weathered by the elements. Finally, looking straight up, he saw the ball just within arms reach.

    He would definitely forbid them to play here. The climb was not worth it.

    Stretching, his fingers brushed the skin of the ball, but couldn’t quite pull it free.

    For a moment he glanced down, then put the other hand against the wall and jumped.
    Grasping the ball, he dislodged it and sent it towards the ground.

    Exce, meanwhile, landed back on the rock, only to hear a sharp crack followed by feeling the continued sensation of falling.

    Nails raking over rough stone, he toppled backwards, away from the wall. Breath catching in his throat, he didn’t even manage a scream.

    Eyes wide, he saw the sky begin to spiral above, and in a last act of desperation, he reached inside himself for magic that would not come. Pain tore his entire body, only to be blotted out by darkness as he hit the ground with a thud.

    Even unconscious Excelsius could feel the pain, feel alive, and he was relieved.

    It would have been quite stupid to die like that.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Man, Exce! I’m so sorry that I didn’t pay better attention on my first read through. This is crazy brutal! A simple thing, retrieving a toy, never felt more nerve-wracking or intense. Excellent build up, too. I love that he gets to spend more time with his babies and he makes the smart decision to not let them play on that rock outcropping.

      Also, when did he lose his abilities?? I feel like I’ve missed a few installments, which is quite possible. I need to know what happened to his powers.

      That fall sounds really painful, and it is something that I don’t ever want to experience. The way you describe it is very visceral, and I felt like I experienced it vicariously. That’s a such a terrible accident.

      From the last line, I’m guessing he doesn’t die. Which leads me to ask how does he get out of the situation alive? What or who saves him? I NEED more!

      As always, you get me and raptured in your stories, and then you write something to rip my heart out. Great job!

    2. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      Oh the trials of being a parent, say you can’t and deal with sad children. Do it and this happens, really no win here.

      Also Exce good story here and a nice ‘humanizing’ story for this character. Granted might not know if it is the same character from the others. Really this is a nice read.

    3. L. L. Marco Avatar
      L. L. Marco

      Ah yes, the struggles of having (or simply being in the proximity 0f) children. All I can think about is how messed up his fingernails probably are from desperately trying to catch his weight on them. Falling is bad enough, thats just insult to injury! But its probably a good lesson in trying to learn how to be a normal person.

      If i had a recommendation it would be to have some sentence variation between “nails raking over rough stone” to “pain tore his entire body”. Starting sentences like that do add to the action and speed of everything but two paragraphs full of it could use just a sprinkle of a simple sentence 🙂

      Lovely read!

  6. jesse fisher Avatar
    jesse fisher

    Demon Blade Fingers
    By Jesse Fisher Edited by Lunar

    The normally loud or bustling center of the bar had gone quiet. Only three beings occupied seats. Each were different from the others, but each had the same look on their faces: concern and worry.

    Behind the bar was a well-dressed humanoid whose eyes were closed as if deep in thought. In front of the chest high counter, a metallic, sand yellow dragoness in a chiton wrapped a bandage on the draconequus’s arm. The draconequus looked at her rounded feather belly covered by her waitress uniform.

    Thoughts raced through her mind, causing her to flinch as the bandage was tied off. Concern was the heaviest on her mind.

    “He is moving in the shadows too quickly for me.” Korun broke the silence of the room. “I’m not surprised that he would have this ability. Also makes me want to look into shadow travel blockers.”

    “I’m not surprised.” The dragoness sighed. “He’s been having nightmares of this for a while now.”

    “He was a bit more coy around me after I told him I felt the first kick,” the draconequus replied as she rubbed her uninjured arm over her belly.

    “I noticed,” Korun grumbled. “He tried to vent his anger and any anxiety to me while keeping the grumpy persona up.”

    “I’ve noticed he is not against having a child but he also doesn’t talk about it much.” She hugged herself not for warmth but calm.

    “There he is,” Korun growled. “Now just move this to there.”

    With some movements of Korun’s hands, a door formed near the trio. It opened and then slammed shut as a dark navy wolven bipedal braced himself up against it. Yellow eyes with emotions flowing like a river darted to the hetero-chromeic eyed barkeep.

    “KEEP AWAY FROM ME!” The wolven’s shout of fear showed more emotion than he had in all his time in the bar.

    Warmth engulfed him as the draconequus slightly coiled around him and tried to calm him down.

    “Sweetie, I know the injury was an accident. You would never hurt me on purpose.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      It’s commendable that you’ve stuck with this particular universe so long, Toa. There’s some good tension, and I like the undercurrent of disquiet among the three.

      I also really appreciate how you let the reader figure things out instead of outright stating what happened. This piece is much more subdued than what I’m used to reading from you.

      Korun is quietly processing everything while protecting. The dragoness is caring and compassionate. The draconequus is understandably shaken. Demon is angry and probably fighting off self-loathing.

      I’m wondering why he hurt her in the first place. Is it because he’s still battling with his worry over being a good father? Very nice tale and dark spin on the prompt.

    2. Lots of interesting characters in this scene. I’ll note off the bat that this doesn’t quite feel like a completed scene or situation, though I’m sure the word limit had a hand in that. If it’s meant to be able to stand alone, I recommend really zeroing in on one character and their inner world, finding how their emotions will change throughout the scene, and do a natural excitement and resolution. That should help give it that pretty-bow feeling I’m after.

      Side note — I am very interested in this golden dragon and what she’s all about.

  7. MysteryElement Avatar
    MysteryElement

    Slip of the Tongue
    By MysteryElement

    “What do you mean,’accident’!” Jaka shouted, coiling her serpentine body in agitation.

    Seeth stared at her with a complex look on his face. Jaka was too young to see the regret, pain and shock. All she saw was shame. He had spoken hastily, and now there was no taking it back.

    “Your mother…” Seeth choked on his words.

    He had always felt a kinship with the adolescent naga, but now what could he possibly say? It was rare, but every once in a while a non-human child was born outside of the city. Along with orphans and abuse victims, the CPS(changeling protective service) was in charge of retrieving them and trying to find them a home.

    “You were born outside of city limits, Jaka.” he continued, watching her golden, angry eyes fill with tears. “And, I was sent to bring you back, to keep you safe.”

    He saw Jaka’s small fists clench in anger before he looked away, his shame swelling in his chest. He felt suffocated. She had looked up to him, admired him, gave him more love than he had any right to claim after stealing her from her mother’s arms. This was all his fault. Losing her mother, earning her trust, and breaking her heart.

    “How dare you.” her quiet voice quivered, filled with so much anger, hate and tears. He could not stand it, yet could do nothing to stop it. “I was alone, no family but you, and now you tell me you’re the one who took me from my family? My REAL family?”

    He should have stayed away, remained cold, let himself become the villain of her story. But… haunting memories of her, crying alone, reaching out for someone, anyone to love her. Why could he not spare her from this cruelty? Why did his love for her have to be a curse?

    “I HATE you Uncle Seeth!” She shouted before bursting out the door, leaving Seeth frozen in place.

    Needing to chase her. Insufficient to comfort her.

    1. ThatWeirdFish Avatar
      ThatWeirdFish

      This is a tragic story, but a well-done one. You did a great job showing the emotion through the dialog. I also liked that you made it so that we could sympathize with both characters. I am curious to learn more about this world. But, alas, word count strikes again.
      I look forward to reading more from you in the future; well done!

    2. Ohhhh there’s so much emotion in this piece. I love that. Nice job injecting the full breadth of family drama into a small package, and showing that regardless of your shape, social, family-driven people will largely have the same problems.

      There are a few proofreading errors here that could do with a second pass if you care to do that, and one comment I want to make on the last line. I really like what you’re going for emotionally in those last sentences; however, you didn’t quite hit the mark. If you can workshop that to feel more like a mic drop one-liner, it will make for a strong, gut-punching end!

    3. WolfsbaneX Avatar
      WolfsbaneX

      Poor Jaka. Poor Seeth. This is just heartbreaking. It’s one thing to find out you’re adopted; it takes on a completely different feeling when you find out you were kidnapped. Seeth does seem to regret his actions. I like the little bit of worldbuilding you do with the CPS (Changeling Protective Services is an interesting thing.) Nice job.

  8. IsaDragon Avatar
    IsaDragon

    When Courting Demons or Demonic Bloodlines, A Strong Left Hook is Ideal
    By IsaDragon337

    “Have I mentioned you’re so, so beautiful, and perfect, you could break me in half and I love that,” Jackson gushed.

    Katarina was trying to get to the cookbook to figure out what had happened, but it was hard with at least 200 pounds of besotted approximately-one-third-demon clinging to her.

    “So, sis, how did this happen?” her infuriating little brother called from the kitchen entrance, where he WASN’T HELPING.

    “I DON’T KNOW, I was trying to make soup!”

    “Chris, she’s amazing! She’s pretty and smart and she broke my jaw!” Jackson was practically beaming as he hugged her, even with the massive bruise on his face.

    Katarina flushed in embarrassment. When Jackson practically tackled her into this hug, she did punch him, but she couldn’t have broken his jaw. The fact that it bruised at all was impressive, she wasn’t exactly strong and he healed fast.

    Chris raised his eyebrows. Katarina was abruptly reminded of her drunken 2am confession about her massive crush on Jackson. To Chris.

    She was screwed.

    “So, what were you trying to make?”

    “The recipe is there—” She gestured with a flick of her head, because her arms were pinned by a very happy Hound. “I swear, it’s not a love potion.”

    “I trust you.” Chris dragged a finger down the recipe.

    “I’d love you anyways.” Jackson sighed, wistful. “You’re not scared to punch me.”

    Katarina blinked. She couldn’t have brewed something that strong by accident… “You’re not thinking straight.”

    “You make it hard to think, beautiful.”

    “We’re good,” Chris declared, “This is for bravery, you overdid it. It’ll wear off in a few hours.”

    Katarina lowered her head. “I swear on grandma’s yarn collection, I did not intend for this to happen. It was supposed to be soup,” Katarina whispered, “Chicken soup.”

    Chris laughed. “Then don’t use Grandpa Gible’s cookbook, sis.”

    Behind her Jackson huffed, burying his nose in her hair. Her sometimes-hellhound friend was honestly being really sweet, if she ignored the trapped in his lap for a hug thing.

    “Best soup I’ve ever had. You’re gorgeous and I’m not scared to tell you.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Your titles are always the best, Isa. This is really hilarious! I laughed the whole way through! I love Jackson’s personality.

      I also really love the relationship between the siblings.

      It’s also very sweet, and awkward, that Katarina and Jackson have these feelings for each other, and it took a bravery potion for it to be expressed.

      You definitely had fun while writing this. Really really excellent story!

    2. Oh my goodness, you had me at the title and never let go. I was expecting a different kind of story going in, but I was NOT disappointed by what I actually got. Other than a couple minor proofreading things and awkward phrases, this story is perfection. It’s funny, full of great interactions, and told in a way perfect to set and keep the tone. Well done, IsaDragon!

  9. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
    i-prefer-the-term-antihero

    [Removed]

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is beyond hilarious, Anti-hero! I love that these parents are so brazenly ignoring the fact that they’re son just shot lightening out of his fingers.

      ~I opened my mouth, then closed it. “Aren’t you supposed to be on MY side?”

      “I didn’t promise anything.”~ This entire exchange? Complete burn, and it’s amazing!

      Critiques:

      “I could try to replicate (it) here if I didn’t want to set the house on fire!

      Victor claims it’s the eighteenth century, but some of the word choices clash with that for me. No offense.

      I love that you play with perspective here, not giving the reader a definite answer, one way or the other. Both sides have very strong convictions about the incident, and they’re sticking to them. It makes it all the fun and engaging to try to guess who’s in the right. Great story!

      1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
        i-prefer-the-term-antihero

        Yay!!! So happy to hear that!! XD

        Haha I’m so happy you liked that!! That was one of my favorites too, but I wasn’t sure if her tone came across right.

        Omg i did it again *facepalm*… I think I had one whole word left, I’ll go edit that in XD

        I wondered if anyone was going to comment on that! That is actually an intentional quirk of Victor’s narration, I just wasn’t able to explain it! The story takes place in the eighteenth century, but he’s telling the story from modern day, so, knowing his audience is modern, he purposely “translates” everything into modern language to make it easier and more fun to read (as well as tells the audience at the beginning that he’s going to do this).
        This story is a retelling of a classic, and I dont know if it’s a common complaint, but I’ve heard people complain the eighteenth century language is difficult to read, and I too end up rereading many many passages because of the (now) convoluted language. So I thought it’d make it easier and more fun for both me and readers to have the narrator intentionally make the language modern. Especially since a version of the story (actually probably many, since it’s commonly retold) already exists in the correct language.
        His narration is usually much more funny and clear he’s looking back from modern day, but his narration voice doesn’t come easily for me so I can’t adequately write it for quick stuff like this, and even if I could, it’d likely all get cut for word count anyways because it’d just be fun commentary or embellishments that aren’t necessary.
        Sorry for rambling XD

        😀 I suppose that’s true!! It’s just hard to really explain what’s going on for stuff like this, haha!
        They do!! I’m happy you picked up on his parents convictions. They do have convictions… they’re just not telling him, haha!
        😀 Yay!!
        I’m so very happy you liked it!! Thanks so much for commenting!!

    2. RVMPLSTLSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLSKN

      Tagback review!

      I want to preface by saying it’s a neat scene! I did enjoy it. I’ve got some grammatical nitpicks (see below), but for the most part the scene is straightforward and consistent with your aforeseen skill. I actually read this yesterday, but something bugged me and I couldn’t put my finger on what. I think it’s the tone. I was surprised by the line “earth and the eighteenth century….” I think that’s because we don’t see the mindset of the eighteenth century families here. His parents are concerned with his alchemy, but their worry is analogous to the last generation of parents and video games. Victor is also fairly sarcastic, which was considered very rude and base and mean by society at the time. Irish workmen carrying hods might treat each other like that when they started drinking, but no good upper class boy would dare treat his parents that way.

      Some of the terminology feels off too. ‘Mass hysteria’ emerged as early as 1920 and puberty wasn’t a mark of growing up as much a mark of having grown up. Recall that most apprenticeships ended around 16 and required seven years of daily practice and study. By 12, most people were working outside the home (girls as young as 6-8 were making lace in Devonshire right up until the end of the Victoria era) and considered old enough for it.

      Nitpicks:
      -there’s a lot of yelling. Depending on heritage, that may be appropriate. However, if—as I suspect—you’re going for an aristocratic feel, tone down the eruptions a bit. Exclamation marks (and interrobangs) only, no caps.
      -“‘Irresponsible’?!” Should be “‘Irresponsible?!’” (Shift the apostrophe to follow the interrobang)
      -“ Lightning. Shot out of. My fingers.” I think there’s a better way of breaking this up. Maybe just write it out as a sentence and let the reader imbue it with tonality.

      That’s all! If you rewrite, please share. I’d love to see the tweaks made to it.

      1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
        i-prefer-the-term-antihero

        Well most of this is…intentional. There’s a weird quirk of Victor’s narration that I’m not able to explain before these 350 word pieces, in that he is telling it from a modern day even though it takes place in the eighteenth century, and in addition to that, he’s purposely “translating” it into modern language—something he warns the audience he’s going to do from the beginning. His modern narration within the way its narrated itself is usually a lot more present but a) it doesn’t come naturally to me so I can’t write it well for quick scenes like this, and b) even if I did write it, it’d probably all get cut because it’s just fun additions, and not necessary to understand the scene.

        Though another part of what I’ve been thinking is that it’s part of Victor’s character since he’s a child that he *is* a bit rude and sarcastic. I might have to think more critically about it now. But I was thinking usually when he yells or whatever his parents shut it down immediately and tell him to act properly. The reason they’re not doing that here is because they’re well aware *why* he can shoot lightning and have been instructed to keep that a secret as long as possible. This is a huge deal, so they’re more concerned with keeping the truth from him than the fact that he’s being rude. As I’m writing this, I realize the fact that they’re not calling him out on his yelling is almost weirder than their uncaring attitude to the lightning shooting.
        However, at the same time there weren’t supposed to be that many capitals. Many of them would be italics in the final. But I’m not allowed to use italics here so I wanted to emphasize somehow and I thought it still worked.
        Also Lizzie is purposely supposed to be uncharacteristically sarcastic for a woman of this age too.

        This is a retelling of a classic story, and 90% of the complaints I hear about the original book have to do with the fact that it’s from the eighteenth/nineteenth century, and that that makes it difficult or unenjoyable to read. A lot of what I’ve heard is the language is hard to get through, but there’s other things too. There’s nothing to do about that because it *is* from the eighteenth century, and if they don’t enjoy it they don’t enjoy it.
        But personally I’d like, rather than trying to capture the original tone (which I’m sure other retellings have done well), is to have some fun with it, and write a version of it modern audiences might be able to more fully enjoy. I suppose if I give it to beta readers and that doesn’t work for any of them, I’d have to write it in eighteenth century language anyways. But currently I’d like to try it my way first at least, because I find this tone way more fun to both write and read.

        That being said, I’m not sure I intended all their interactions (as opposed to only the language) to seem out of place for an eighteenth century person. Especially when it comes to his parents, as they’re supposed to be very eighteenth century aristocratic, as you said. That likely comes from my historical ignorance. All the same, I’ll have to think more about it, because, well, maybe I *do* intend to modernize *some* of their interactions too. If there was any humor in the original book (I don’t believe there is, but some scenes have become funny to a modern reader when they’re not meant to be originally), it would no longer be funny. I want there to be humorous interactions, and humor is about more than just language, but a whole interaction. So maybe there *are* entire interactions I want to modernize after all. Not sure. I’ll have to think about that.

        Although as for the age thing, I can double check, but as far as I remember, it’s explicitly stated in the book he’s 15 at the scene this scene is riffing off of. So he’s not working or apprenticed in the book at that age, so as far as I know that’s accurate.

        Also, I should say I’m not even sure this scene will exist in the final. I think it makes a bit more sense for Victor to deliberately keep it from his parents, and avoid his parents having to pretend it’s not a big deal altogether. I just wrote it because I thought it was funny for the prompt and I wanted to explore how that might go.

        I hope that explanation makes sense. Sorry for rambling on.
        Thanks for taking the time to review!! I’m glad you thought the scene was neat at least. And you’ve definitely given me important things to think about.

    3. Cansas Wanderlust Avatar
      Cansas Wanderlust

      This was great! A character discovering they have powers and completely freaking out. It’s such a realistic reaction. And the parents. Oh my gosh the parents had tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard. Completely unfazed by the whole situation. I wonder if they knew about his powers, or suspected like that might happen. Anyway, you did amazing. This was so great and fun to read.

      1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
        i-prefer-the-term-antihero

        Thank you so SO much!! I’m so very glad you liked it, and thought his reaction was realistic!! 😀 <3

        😀 Really?!?! :O Comedy isn't my forte, so I don't think I've ever heard I made someone laugh that hard with my writing, that makes me SO happy!! I suppose it's always a writer's goal to either make people cry or laugh, so crying-from-laughing is potentially the best reaction yet, haha!!

        Yup, they knew, haha!!

        Thank you so so so much for your kind words. I was feeling rather down on this story, and I really needed this today <3 <3

    4. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      This is interesting, a very different take on the scenario of revealing magic powers to your family for sure. Both in the parent’s notably muted reactions, and also in that Victor seems to have gone and told them immediately, rather than tried to keep it secret or anything like that.

      Though speaking of keeping it secret – yeah, the parents *clearly* know what’s going on here and are just covering the issue up. Makes me wonder why exactly they would do that, though frankly there could be so many possible reasons that it’s entirely understandable as a response. After all, discovering magic is basically discovering the edge of a cliff in the mists – you suddenly realise that your one solid foundation in life is potentially a false premise to begin with, and if you aren’t careful, delving further will send you deep into the abyss that is the non-mundane world.

      So yeah, no wonder Victor is having a bit of a breakdown. He clearly relied on his science to understand the world, and that world is crumbling under his feet. I hope he gets out of that stage okay, without hurting himself too much in the process.

      Good work Antihero! 😀

  10. Hey, Pipsqueak!
    By MasaCur

    “Hey, Pipsqueak, keep up!”

    “Shut up, you moron!” Ririn fired back.

    “Whatever, I’m a genius.”

    “You have yet to prove it,” Ririn growled.

    Shigure dropped back to walk next to Ririn. “So how’s school going, Pipsqueak?”

    “Shigure, I have a name.”

    “Sure, I know that, Ririn.”

    Ririn sighed, but didn’t respond. Doing so would invite Shigure to be more obnoxious.

    “So, you haven’t burned down your school, or dropped a meteor on it, have you?” Shigure asked.

    “No, I have not!” Ririn clenched her teeth. “That happened while I was in my witching middle school, you idiot!”

    “So, a couple years ago?”

    Ririn rubbed her temples, trying to push away the migraine she was getting. Shigure was constantly underestimating her age.

    “It was not a couple years ago. I’m an adult now, jackass!” Ririn’s nostrils flared. “It was an accident. I got overconfident, and tried to cast a spell that was beyond my abilities. If you think about it, if I wasn’t as great a witch as I am, I wouldn’t even be able to cast that spell.”

    Shigure grinned. “Yeah, but still, you were the one that dropped a meteor on your school. That’s such a Ririn move, Pipsqueak.” He danced ahead of her again.

    Ririn stared daggers into Shigure’s back. As she did, a wicked thought crossed her mind. She briefly entertained it, pushed it away, and then entertained it again.

    She looked at Shigure and closed her eyes. Arcane words appeared in her mind, and were just as quickly muttered by her lips. After the spell finished, she opened her eyes and focused on Shigure.

    There was a loud boom, like a crack of thunder, and an explosion right in front of Shigure as a small meteorite, maybe half the size of Ririn’s fist, landed in front of him.

    “Shigure! Are you okay?” Ririn asked, her voice mock-obsequious.

    “You did that on purpose!” Shigure growled, as he clumsily got to his feet.

    “Me?” Ririn asked innocently. “No, it was an accident. What would you expect from such a clumsy witch?” Her lips curled into a smirk.

    1. The Assassin Avatar
      The Assassin

      The characters here are great. I think you characterized them very well, so even though they’re a tad cliche, they still feel unique and instantly understandable. The setting left me a little confused for a little bit as the story began, but I quickly picked up the gist of the world and what was going on. I really enjoyed the humor and thought it was well done. 🙂

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I honestly wish that meteorite had fallen a LITTLE bit closer to home, and if Shigure were lucky enough, he could have ended up in a coma! One can only dream, though.

      This is hilarious, Mas. Shigure is SUCH a JERK. Throughout the entire story, I was hoping he’d get smacked in the face or get shoved up against a wall or something.

      I DID enjoy Ririn getting some form of revenge then acting all innocent about it. Great piece!

    3. ClockworkPigeonz Avatar
      ClockworkPigeonz

      Kinda makes me think of an older brother teasing his younger sister- but I’m not sure if they are actually related! But the banter between these two was great and really served to show Ririn’s increasing annoyance with Shigure. I find it very fitting that Shigure got a taste of his own medicine in the end, after all he was teasing about the meteorite. It truly made me laugh and I had to go back and read it again. And overall I feel that this is a really strong piece.

  11. King_Nix Avatar
    King_Nix

    “Apology”
    By King_Nix

    I give you my most sincere apologies, my friend. For you, I am eternally grateful, and it pains me whenever I should cause you grief. I pray you will forgive me, as I have forgiven you for those past years of neglect and abuse. I know you still suffer from those old habits, and it is unfair of me to compound them with my curiosities regarding the transmundane.

    I think, for a moment, I forgot your mortality while I dreamt of my eternal home. Being invested in the prayers we have learned together, it was natural for me to drift towards the place I belong, only brought back to you by your fear of my absence. Already it is too much to bear that my home is untainted and resplendent, while yours seems to decay and rot each day before our very eyes. With every passing year, I grow in majesty while any moment could be your last.

    There I go again, don’t I? What is to me a mere fact of our existence draws your heart into the abyss of dread. I cannot help it, we both know. Lying is a sin, after all, and would wound us both. Remember, however, that whether you perish suddenly or live so long that you forget even yourself, I will remain with you every second to the utmost end. Only then, when you are laid to rest, will I return to our Master.

    Then one day, when all is finished, we shall be united once again, and live in perfect unity as we were made to.

    1. The Assassin Avatar
      The Assassin

      You know, I have no idea what this is about. There isn’t any context for what is happening and no effort is made to explain. And that’s great. I love the vague shadowy understanding, the uncertainty of what’s going on. Personally, the idea of one character growing in glory while the other fades away is so bittersweet and enticing to read about. The prose is what sells it though. You weave words beautifully and I found myself reading not only for the intriguing narrative but for also the flow of words. Fantastic story.

      I only ask, what is this actually about?

      1. King_Nix Avatar
        King_Nix

        Now that I’m certain no more comments will come through, I’ll tell.
        The story is about the soul apologising to the body for accidentally causing it a moment of existential dread. Being the soul and body of a religious convert, the body used to abuse the soul with sin, often unknowingly. Now, the soul grows ever more full of God’s grace, while the body will ultimately return to the dust from which it was made. However, the two are destined to be reunited after the Second Coming, and no longer have face the fear and separation caused by sin and death.

        Of course, it isn’t meant to be so obvious as that. It’s probably enticing to read about because it’s the condition every person born must deal with. Glad you enjoyed it!

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is an interesting one, indeed, King. The point by point structure works really well for this particular story. The apology seems to be about one character being more successful and overall better than the other. Given that, is one character feeding off of the other in some way? The MC seems to be ok with pointing out the other’s misfortunes while also expressing regret and empathy. I’m not saying it’s intentional, and he may not even be aware that he’s doing it, but it feels that way to me. Is that where the accidental part of the prompt kicks in?

      There’s definitely a love and sense of friendship on the part of the MC, and that’s most appreciated. The deliberate vagueness in certain places works very well to keep the focus on the emotional weight of the apology. Incredibly well done think piece.

      1. King_Nix Avatar
        King_Nix

        Now that I’m certain no more comments will come through, I’ll tell.
        The story is about the soul apologising to the body for accidentally causing it a moment of existential dread. Being the soul and body of a religious convert, the body used to abuse the soul with sin, often unknowingly. Now, the soul grows ever more full of God’s grace, while the body will ultimately return to the dust from which it was made. However, the two are destined to be reunited after the Second Coming, and no longer have face the fear and separation caused by sin and death.

        I’m glad you liked it, Luna! Always appreciated!

  12. The Assassin Avatar
    The Assassin

    Creation’s Heart
    By The Assassin

    I sit silently before an empty page. The world around me stills, calm, a breath before the storm. I raise my pen, a sword of truth ready to carve the cosmos. Infinite possibilities swirl around me, stretching into forever. Creation’s heart beats.

    A story is a world of woven words, and I am the weaver. Worlds, characters, and ideas blossom, singing to my soul. The fabrics of reality wrap around me. The strings of destiny my instrument to strum and play, to make of it what I desire.

    The infinitudes beyond, the reality of worlds within words, coalesce. Their dance gaining shape, taking form. My hand trembles. The world beyond, the dance, the song ever singing, becoming one, merging into a singularity.

    The tip of my pen, the gateway. My hand, the guide. Creation’s heart beats. I look into that world, so close, so distant, just beyond reach. In it, I shape beauty, colours swirling to lives emerging. To create; to destroy: my duty.

    My hand moves. My pen, my sword, my truths abound in the ink yet to drip. The vastness of realities eternal. Manifested in mind; to manifest in life. Creation’s heart beats.

    My pen touches page, the brush for paint of ink. For a moment, all the realities beyond converge, a single vision, a single idea, a perfect world. I grasp that world, distilling it through pen and onto page and…

    And…

    Nothing.

    Creation’s heart stills.

    Reality spins again. I see my paper, blank as though never touched. I feel my pen, cold as though never held. I hear the world around me, lively as though never stilled.

    I stare at the empty page.

    The ink yet to flow; worlds yet to live. I reach for what once was yet find nothing. I search for a spark to rekindle the flame, yet I see only ash.

    And I weep.

    I weep for the words I do not know, for the ideas that will never be.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is beautifully tragic and incredibly relatable, Assassin. You always manage to sing against the page whenever you get to write. The part with all of the extra preparations for the writing only for the writer to not produce a single word is really gut wrenching, and I sincerely almost cried.

      Why did you have to reach into my soul and bare my insecurities? It’s truly eerie because I’m going through this very thing right now in increments. I’ll write a little bit at a time each day, but then I’ll write nothing for days at a time.

      You really captured that feeling of incompetence and despair, at least for me, whenever words don’t come as easily as you’d like or at all. Bravo.

    2. Oof, I’ve felt this one. I’ve had writer’s block more than enough times to know this feeling, Assassin. The ideas bubbling up in your mind, the want to materialize them, and the complete inability to find the words to make it work. I really feel for the narrator of this tale.
      It’s good to see you writing again. That’s another thing I can relate to. I myself have been trying to rebuild my motivation to not only write, but often find time so that I can. Good for you in taking this up again And well done on your story.

    3. ClockworkPigeonz Avatar
      ClockworkPigeonz

      Your description of this feeling hits home for me, I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to piece together a story and never quite found the words to even start it. I think as a creator it’s one of the worst feelings because you know or at least think that you should be able to do this- to bring your dreams to life- but you can’t. There’s just that invisible wall that’s keeping the page blank. And since you don’t fully understand why the ‘wall’ is there…there doesn’t seem to be any way around it.
      It feels a lot like being trapped and I think you captured that perfectly. With the Creator knowing what they want to make but lacking the capacity to do so.

    4. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      Ah, so we have a new story to add to Tale Foundry’s Stuckpunk genre! It’s perhaps a loose interpretation of the prompt, but very effective regardless. Having that big buildup, with spectacular imagery and almost poetic use of wording, only for it to all come to nothing, hit pretty hard for me. Though at the very least, the fact that you wrote this is in itself a way of breaking out of that nothingness!

      For me personally, it’s a little different – I see my writing more as a translation of worlds and character stories that already exist, somewhere in the multiverse, rather than something entirely forged by me. It’s a bit weird of a mindset I guess, but it feels better for me. Less pressuring too in a sense – you don’t feel so much guilt for not writing something if the world and character don’t rely on you doing so to continue existing. Away from my tangent though, this was a great piece of writing! Lovely to see you back here once again. :3

  13. GJFuller Avatar
    GJFuller

    For Want
    By Giovanna J. Fuller

    She had only forgotten. It just slipped her mind, but that morning she had failed to mention to her husband that there had been a message left for him that morning by a courier boy. She had set it aside and, by the time he had returned home from a long day’s work at the forge, the scroll had been misplaced amongst the bills and parcels.

    He had only miscounted. There were so many men there that day. He had briefly considered recounting them, but they were in a hurry. The regiment was already so late, the clerk figured they didn’t have any time to spare. So, on they went.

    They’d only missed a few. Each of the warhorses had needed to be reshod, but there were so many riders and so few blacksmiths. It was only natural that a couple stallions here and there had slipped through the cracks. The men had all thought “what do you expect when you understaffed us so?”

    It was only one battle. This is what they all thought as the king, the prince, and their men rode out. However, it is impossible for man to know how the outcome of a single encounter will alter the course of history. This was to be the turning point of the war. Whoever won this day was assured victory over the other. After this last, bloody battle, the two kingdoms would be one with the loser becoming subservient to the conqueror.

    All the dominos set in place, it was time to push just one.

    Because the message was lost, the man never left his home.

    Because the man did not answer the call of duty, the clerk miscounted.

    Because the clerk did not check again, the blacksmiths were understaffed.

    Because the blacksmiths did not have enough help, they could not shoe every horse or even shoe every horse properly.

    The horse of the prince threw the shoe and fell.

    The king lost heart at the death of his son and so also lost the will to fight.

    The battle was lost and so was the kingdom.

    1. The Assassin Avatar
      The Assassin

      I really love this one! I really like how you set it up with something fairly simple/mundane, but expand it to something grand and devastating. The slow realization that a single mistake caused the defeat at the battle is delivered so well. I especially liked the way you used line breaks to make every line at the end have an impact. Everything tied together so perfectly, and the dread of it all building to a somber close just made it so good. I have no criticisms, I just really think this was delivered perfectly.

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is a terrible escalation of events, GJ. You feeling the backstory of this one particular warrior very well then you show how that spirals out into this catastrophic event that has led them all to be subservient. And that really sucks. But I love the way you did it. One seemingly inconsequential action, and the tower falls.

      despite not going too deeply into his character, I really did feel bad for the king because of him losing his son. Also, I’m not sure if this was intentional, but it feels like you blended a bit of modern living with a period piece in the very beginning. That’s a pretty awesome aspect.

      Very sad, but also funny. I love the charm your stories have. Awesome piece!

    3. Matthew (Handsome Johanson) Avatar
      Matthew (Handsome Johanson)

      I liked this take on the prompt! It had a very historical perspective in my opinion, looking at events in a retrospective way that really helps bring emotional weight to the significance of the otherwise mundane actions. I could see this as the beginning of a book, a powerful hook that shows the stakes at play in this world. A world were only a few mistakes can lead to military ruin and conquest. I liked this a lot! Very good job 🙂

  14. ClockworkPigeonz Avatar
    ClockworkPigeonz

    “Well-Intentioned Inventions and The Problem with Portals.”
    By ClockworkPigeonz

    “Catch it!” Cobalt cried, diving towards the blur of scales disappearing into the racks.

    “I’m a LITTLE BUSY!” Silas shrieked. Alternating between slapping away skeletal arms and oily tentacles with a dust broom. “Shut that blasted thing down!”

    “I’M TRYING!” came Luke’s desperate response from somewhere behind the glowing rift. A violet scar carved through the heart of his workshop.

    A tower of crates tipped with a crash, scattering mechanical junk over the concrete. Golem, the resident house-griffon careened around a worktable in pursuit of whatever eldritch abomination had gotten loose. The screeches of both creatures blended with the unearthly gurgles coming from the rift in an ungodly symphony.

    Cobalt dashed by again, and Silas screeched as one of her boots found his tail. An opportunistic tentacle took that moment to wrap around his leg and wrenched him mercilessly across the floor. The impact alone knocked the broom from his hand.

    Fluorescent bulbs swung overhead like strobe lights as the building trembled. Glass containers crashed to the floor, draining their contents across scattered papers. Acid hissing as it bit into the floor- burning its way up Silas’s nose as he managed to grab a leg of the table-saw and held fast.

    “Cobalt! Luke!” but the cacophony of moans and screeches drowned him out.

    There was a hand clutching onto his boot now, and a rather nasty-looking something slithering towards him. Whatever it was it didn’t have eyes and some insane devil had given it needles for claws.

    “Cobalt!”

    Two things happened at once- first at the edge of his vision he watched as Luke slammed a hammer straight into his device’s foul heart. The rift closed immediately, sucking its horrors back into whatever god-forsaken dimension they’d come from.

    The eyeless abomination wrenched backwards just before Cobalt’s sword met its mark. The steel wreathed in bright, blue flame sparked against the stone- catching the chemical soaked papers ablaze.

    KABOOM!

    Five minutes later…

    “We can explain!” A now eyebrow-less Luke cried, as the workshop’s door swung open to reveal the intimidating form of General Smith.

    “YOU can explain!” Silas spat.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Hooray for the return of Silas and Cobalt! They’re two of my favorite of your characters. And for Luke as well!

      This is some seriously funny stuff, Clock. Usually when dealing with Lovecraftian beings, there’s the threaat of going insane if not outright dying or being absorbed into another dimension. I love that you choose to focus on funner aspects in regards to this subject.

      Accidentally opening an interdimensional rift is wild, and I love how chaotic this scene is as they all work together to close it. I also think it’s strangely fitting that Luke is the one who opened it, seeing as how he’s one of the reckless of the group. Then him closing and losing his eyebrows as a result are brilliant outcomes. Love it!

      I will say that I was a tad bit confused because you used she for someone, but I don’t know who’s female. I thought they were all male.

      Overall, though, I adore this story. Lighthearted and fun despite the horrific events taking place. Really enjoyed the ending as well. Great job!

    2. The Assassin Avatar
      The Assassin

      This one gave me a good laugh! The chaos of the scene is captured so well. I like the way you focus on seemingly random events happening to the characters at the beginning before expanding into the more single-focused narrative in the middle. It gives great context and sets the tone for what is to come perfectly. The ending line is great too, gave me a chuckle. I really like the style and the exaggerated chaos of it all. Well done. 🙂

  15. Twangyflame0 Avatar
    Twangyflame0

    The Crispy Zebra
    By Twangyflame0

    Kasshoku smiled as she inspected the living room. The whole house was all hers. She looked down at the black grimoire on the table. She could finally–

    “Kasshoku-chan, what are you doing?” Her brother’s voice made her growl. He looked at her while holding his favorite zebra plushy.

    “Don’t worry about it, Ototo-kun. I’m just practicing magic.”

    He deadpanned at her, “Didn’t Kasasagi-oba-chan say not to do that without her?”

    She turned, indignant at such an accusation, “I’m perfectly capable of casting magic all by myself.”

    “I don’t know about this Onee-chan. It seems kind of dangerous.”

    Kasshoku laughed, “Oh ho ho ho! Just watch me, Ototo-kun!”

    She quickly flipped through her spellbook and landed on a random page. She glanced over the page, barely reading the instructions. It was such a simple fire spell that Kasshoku had complete and utter confidence about herself. She focused, attempting to do what she thought, no, knew what she needed to do.

    Purple energy swirled around her. Keitaro looked on with wide eyes, awing at the majesty of his older sister. Then, something went off while Kasshoku was casting her spell. Her hand felt like it was burning, she needed to release it somehow, somewhere. Too hot. Much too hot! She threw the spell away, letting a small ball of fire fly.

    Keitaro dropped his stuffed zebra, screaming as fire hit it. Kasshoku quickly flipped to a basic water spell at the front of the book and cast it. By the time the water hit the stuffed animal, the zebra was already scorched.

    Keitaro looked at all of this and began sobbing uncontrollably, his best friend being turned to ash. Kasshoku sighed in relief that she had not actually hurt her brother, but her pride crushed her consolement, “H-Hey, come on, it’s only a stuffed animal.”

    He simply sobbed more.

    She knelt in front of him, “Listen, I’ll buy you a new one, good as new.”

    He sniffled, “R-R-Really?”

    “As long as you don’t tell mom or dad.”

    “…Can I get ice cream too?”

    “Of course.” She hugged her baby brother.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Twangy, I immediately love this title! It makes me personally want to know hijinx are going down in this piece.

      And reading further is SUPER devastating! Poor Keitaro and his baby zebra plushie! Kasshoku had better make good on her promise and get him a new zebra! Not to mention she could have really hurt him! We must protect baby.

      I love the over the top style. Classic arrogant anime character who’s in WAY over their head. She honestly should have not attempted the spell without proper guidance.

      It’s got your signature flair, and despite the horrible results, it ends on a very sweet note. Great job!

    2. Tale Foundry Avatar
      Tale Foundry

      AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA NO THAT POOR ZEBRA PLUSHIE!!! T^T

      I loved this story, Twangy. The flow is really smooth, and you nailed the mindset of the kids! I really hope Kasshoku learned from this to never play with magic without supervision if you’re still learning. But… somehow I doubt it, given how cocky she was in the very beginning. And something tells me that Keitaro told his parents anyway.

      This was super sweet, super wholesome, and just adorable, even with the fire and scorched zebra toy. Fantastic as always, Twangers~

    3. HAHA! how dare you lie tome that there isnt much to say about this!

      Kasshoku is lucky her smol brother is so forgiving. Had that be one of my plush animals there would have been blood.

      I love this small “episode”, it feels like what in a show or Anime may be like a short clip in between important episodes.
      Im not sure if Kass actually never cast fire before, or if she forgot some protection in this case.

      Im curious if the brother will keep silent xD Or if it will slip out and land Kass in hot waters.

      Awesome story twangy!

  16. Inky Segno Avatar
    Inky Segno

    A Passing Thought
    By Inky Segno (Shea-Leigh Carris)

    It was past midnight when the train made it halfway to his destination. Despite his heavy eyelids, he found that he couldn’t fall asleep. Maybe it was the uncomfortable seat or the flickering lights in the cab, but all he could do was stare outside the window. In his hazy mindset, he didn’t even realize there was someone standing beside him right away until he saw the reflection in the window.

    His head quickly snapped to the left so he could address this person, but by the time he was facing the right way, they were already rushing at him with speed that he couldn’t seem to register. As his mind was asking ‘What was going on? Who is this person?’, the being in question sunk their teeth deep into his neck.

    He’d never forget the pain that went through him, the fear of death and feeling of loss as his body grew weak. His vision was blurry, and his senses were nonexistent once the person was finally content.

    Surely leaving him there to pass away would have been fine, but all loose ends needed to be tied. Though morbid to think of, even he knew that if you killed someone, you had to find a way to take care of the body. This person chose the quick and worriless way to dispose of him. Without a single care on this monster’s part, his lifeless form was carried to the caboose of the train.

    The last thing he remembered before dying for the first time was being thrown into the air. In that singular moment of weightlessness, he saw the stars that shimmered above the train tracks…and the moon. It was beautifully full that night.

    If he had to describe what his temporary death felt like, it would have been like a deep rest. Maybe if he hadn’t died, this would have been blissful, as he always seemed to have trouble sleeping. And just like sleeping, somehow he was woken up by a voice that spoke above him.

    “What a tragic accident to have befallen you.”

    1. Twangyflame0 Avatar
      Twangyflame0

      Oooooo, I like this piece a lot. It feels like the beginning of a story with something to say. How this very ordinary person is suddenly thrust into the magical underworld of the city and has to cope with what he is. Vampires have always forced us to question our humanity and this piece feels like the gateway to an existential journey of what it means to be human.


      Or it can just be a rompy comedy about a vampire and the roommate they accidentally made, while also making good fun of the tropes associated with vampirism and urban fantasy. I honestly wouldn’t care which direction was taken, as both interest me. This interest, however, could only be sparked by your creative use of words and writing. Very well done, Inky.

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Inky, I was NOT prepared for the esalation in this story! You set up a great foreboding atmosphere that builds almost immediately. Honestly, by the second paragraph, I had to chill for a minute. That is great, though. That’s an outstanding job of ramping up the mood while giving the reader a nice jolt. Great thriller implementation!

      Definite vampire attack. The attacker seems way to comfortable with disposing of bodies, so they’ve been doing this for quite a while now. I love how you describe how the MC’s senses are at their fullest before his human death. That’s a great sensory detail to add.

      I wonder about the ending. Is that another person who experienced a similar tragedy as the MC? Or did this stranger somehow have a hand in what happened to the MC? Either way, love the ending and the story is incredibly powerful. Another favorite for this week! Brava!

  17. A Little Less Crazy
    by Astrid Jones

    “Warren? What are you doing here?” I asked. I’d come back from a quick hunt to find my friend sitting on my back porch. He lifted his head from the newspaper he was reading and grimaced. I realized I still had blood on my muzzle. A tuft of rabbit fur fluttered on my nose.

    Suddenly self-conscious, I changed back to my human form and wiped my face with my shirt hem. Warren’s expression told me it hadn’t helped much.

    “Come on in, then. You can tell me why you’re here while I clean up and make some tea.” I held the door open.

    “Stone asked me to drop by and check on you,” Warren said, kicking off his shoes.

    I rolled my eyes. Of course my alpha had sent the human. I’d run all my pack-mates off and Stone knew better than to tangle with me when I was in a mood. And I was most certainly in a mood.

    “Blaithe, I know you’re worried about Connor, but he’s got the best looking after him,” Warren said.

    I didn’t see him raise his hand to pat my shoulder comfortingly. If I had, I would have moved. I didn’t want to be consoled. I wanted to run, to hunt, to chase. But the second he touched me, my inner wolf huffed with relief and rested.

    “So that’s why Stone sent you,” I muttered.

    “What?”

    “Do you know what you just did?”

    “I patted your shoulder?” Warren shrugged.

    “No.” I heaved a sigh and handed him a mug of tea. “We should have told you a while ago. Sit down. I’ll explain.”

    ***

    “So, I’ve been using this ‘wild magic’ without knowing it,” Warren clarified when I was done. “And I used it on you earlier?”

    I nodded.

    “Does it hurt?”

    I laughed a little. “No. Not how you’ve been using it. What you did was more like giving me a sedative.”

    Warren rubbed his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” He paused, then gave me an apologetic smile. “You do seem a little less crazy now, though.”

    1. Pronunciation note: “Blaithe” rhymes with “wood lathe”

    2. Makeshift Mousepad Avatar
      Makeshift Mousepad

      Wild magic, the coolest kind of accident. However, if it is the kind of wild magic I am thinking of that wolf is lucky he didn’t get sent to the shadow realm. (A Dnd joke for those of you who are new to wild magic.)

      The characters have a familiar air to their personalities. It makes them more predictable in their actions but at the same time it serves to illustrate a newer concept to the reader. Most people have seen that show “teen wolf” but not that many have played dnd.

    3. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Astrid, this story is bittersweet, but it’s also very hopeful. I love that you used werewolves here. The MC seems to have broken away from the pack for reasons, and the Alpha, Stone, is rightfully worried about them. Despite the length, you’ve got some great characterization here.

      The fact that Warren can soothe with a touch without him realizing is a really neat way to spin the prompt. Him being worried about if he hurt his packmate with the magic is a woonderful shade to his character, too. The touching also reinforces the animalistic nature of both wolves and humans and their need for physical contact. It’s a social thing as well as a comfort thing because both wolves and humans are very physical creatures.

      I’m not sure if this is intentional, but I love the juxstaposition of the MC coming back from hunting rabbits to find a friend named Warren on their porch. A home for rabbits is called a warren. I honestly think that’s an awesome little detail.

      Overall, this is a really great story and certainly one of my favorites for this week. I’m totally down for seeing more from these characters and the storyline. Excellent job.

    4. RVMPLSTLSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLSKN

      Tagback review!

      It’s nice to see Warren and Blaithe here and good to see him learning the his role in the unseen world. I’m not sure if you’re retooling this scene in your novel or just strapped for imagination and took something familiar to work on (gods know I’ve done that before), but the scene felt at once familiar and fresh.

      Nitpicks:
      “And I was certainly in a mood…” is a sentence fragment; to fix, delete ‘and.’
      -that’s all. You’ve clearly put in the work for your technical skill to be this high.

      Great piece for the prompt!

      1. I have been toying with the idea of not killing off a certain character and wanted to play with Warren’s unknown abilities a little bit more (and I’ve been missing them, if I’m completely honest). But this scene probably won’t exist in the larger project.

  18. KipOfTheMany Avatar
    KipOfTheMany

    Twin Worlds
    By KipOfTheMany

    “Momma, where is that ship going?”

    “To a better world honey.”

    “But I don’t wanna leave. I like our world!”

    I remember the conversation. I remember mom’s tears.

    “Sweetie, our world is dying. We’re killing it.”

    That is the last thing she said to me. My head is pounding like a drum. The faded memory is a counterpoint to the beat, playing over and over. Another sound reaches me: The frantic buzz of an alarm. I want sleep to come back. There’s too much noise!

    With a sudden hiss, my chamber opens. The fogbank in my head clears, and I sit up. The blaring alarm continues. I jolt out of the cryobed. It’s the proximity alert! I give a whoop of joy and push the memory aside. I sprint to the viewing deck.

    Once I reach it, I find that I’m one of a few stragglers joining the thousands of kids already squeezing in to see our new home. I can just barely hear the ship’s intercom over the excited chatter.

    “Welcome to New Haven. Our forebears located the perfect planet to house the next generation. It is similar to Earth in all ways. The atmosphere is a perfect match. The gravity is 99% that of Earth’s. And completely undeveloped. New Haven is an untouched paradise for our species to start anew.” It prattles on like that for a while as the throng of kids inches forward.

    By the time I get to the viewports the ship is already prepping for descent. I see our new world’s horizon just as we begin to dive toward it. It is beautiful, full of deep blues and luscious greens. The ship was right. This planet could be earth’s twin.

    The ship slows its descent to show off the glittering ocean below. The kids near the front gape in awe. The ship continues forward and the sea gives way to land. We watch the planet spin beneath us. Forests, meadows, and rivers fly by. We cheer at the beauty of it all. And then we fall silent. A city appears on the horizon.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      It’s honestly sad and terrifying to think this could happen one day. I didn’t notice this the first time I read it, Kip, but it’s super heartbreaking that these kids had to leave their parents behind on a dying world.

      Is the captain the only adult to guide these children, or are there possibly some teenagers to help?

      Also with the ending, if the person who scouted the planet was wrong about it being uninhabited, then what else could they have been wrong about? Are the natives friendly or hostile?

      I also love how abrupt the ending is. I could totally imagine hearing this ship go from chaotic cheering to dead silence.

      I hate I didn’t pick up on more during my first read through, but your story is even more layered the second time. even though I didn’t pick up on the twist the first time around, I am thankful that you provided more context. It’s honestly terrifying to think about. Great stuff!

    2. RVMPLSTLSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLSKN

      Tagback review!

      Nice use of a twist, Kip! That’s a difficult thing to accomplish in only 350 words, but you played off the zeitgeist well! The title makes me wonder if the accident was navigational and they’re back at Earth or if they missed another transport? Either way, great job!

      Nitpicks:
      -You open with a quoted section, but use quotation marks instead of apostrophes. Especially when using pluperfect, the apostrophes will help communicate a different time.
      -The final paragraph is highly fragmented. It works, but relying on simpler sentences would work better. Switching “We watch the planet spin beneath us. Forests, meadows, and rivers fly by. We cheer at the beauty of it all. And then we fall silent. A city appears on the horizon.” to “We watched the planet spin. Its forests, meadows and rivers fly by. We cheered at the beauty of it all. Then, we fall silent as a city appears on the horizon.”
      -Final piece of nitpickery, you start in pluperfect tense and then oscillate between past and present tense. This weakens your prose. I would suggest, as practice, rewriting the piece twice and focus on using only one of those tenses in each piece.

      Great work Kip!

  19. RVMPLSTLSKN Avatar
    RVMPLSTLSKN

    Accidental Challenge
    By RVMPLSTLSKN

    “You’re familiar with the idea of dragon psychology, of course?” The advocate asked.

    Colton out of place in the gray and wood room. The dark desk matched the leather chairs, both with polished brass points. The metal was warming under his sweaty palms.

    “Of course. Hoarding and prestige, for its own sake,” Colton said. His gaze flicked to the paintings above them. They were fakes; not prints, but copies hand-painted by a skilled amateur.

    “Good,” the advocate across the desk nodded. “Now, how about tyrant philosophy?”

    “Uh, can’t say I’m familiar.” Colton refocused on the balding, confident man. He’d done well in art and psychology. Philosophy always felt too soft for him, intangible. Well, unless he was talking about politics with a potential client, which he desperately tried not to do. He just had one of those faces, he supposed.

    “It is very simple; tyrant philosophy states that everyone has the moral duty to challenge each other. Only the victors can rise and the victors are the tyrants who rule.” The advocate lifted his hand. “I know what you’re thinking, ‘how inefficient!’
    “It is. This is how so-called ‘problem patriarchs’ are made.”

    “I don’t see how this is relevant to my situation,” Colton said. “Are you saying my father is a problem patria—.”

    “Your father is dead. He was, however, a dragon. He spent his wealth hoarding art, lesser pieces mostly. But all by skilled and well known artists, with a couple exceptions.
    “Your sister is the tyrant. You are a challenger. Do you understand?”

    “You make it sound like we’ll be fighting.” Colton laughed. The idea played out like a DBZ episode in his head.

    The advocate leaned forward. “You will.”

    Colton’s smile faded.

    “Not physically, but you’re claiming to be older than her and her father—your father—was very particular about his Will. It aligns with his heritage. Sons get equal shares, but the oldest takes two shares and takes care of the unwed daughters.”

    “But I thought she was the only child.”

    The advocate sighed and leaned back in his chair. “So does she, Colton. So does she.”

    1. KipOfTheMany Avatar
      KipOfTheMany

      I’m somewhat confused. I can tell there’s about to be a fight over inheridence. But depending on what paragraph we’re in I can’t tell if he’s actually related to his sister by blood? What is Colton’s stake in all this? Does he even want the inheridence? You’ve succeeded in making me very curious about a legal drama. Which is an achievment!

    2. Okay, the last bit with family lines is a bit confusing. There are clues, looking back through the beginning of the story, that Colton is his father’s biological son. Namely his notice of the art in the advocate’s office and the fact that his father was a collector of art. He knows he has a sister, but then says the line “I thought she was the only child”. And that’s the point where I get confused. Is Colton a half-sibling that isn’t recognized as his father’s child because of who his mother is? Does his father know about him while his sister doesn’t?
      Overall, though, this piece is very intriguing and makes me want to know how this ends up turning out.

      1. RVMPLSTLSKN Avatar
        RVMPLSTLSKN

        She’s the only legitimate child, but the way the Will is written doesn’t take the mother into account. The implied backstory is that he just found out about his halfsister and, by trying to meet her, has just cost her the inheritance.

        I couldn’t think of a better way to write that line. The more I think on it, the more I think I should have had him say he just wants to meet her.

    3. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I really love how nuanced this story is, RVMPLSTLSKN. I appreciate how relatively calm Colton is, especially because he’s so nervous in regards to this advocate. It’s really cool that he can tell the difference between the real paintings and forgeries. He’s very level-headed and observant.

      Learning that he has a half sibling can’t be easy. This is doubly so because they each probably thought that they were the only child.

      And I like how the dispute comes about because each think that they are the elder child. It’s also an interesting way to divide up a will.

      I honestly thought they were actual dragons, and they simply enjoyed being in the human form more often or he had to be in his human form in order to hear the will. Lol.

      Interesting, thought-provoking story. Nice job!

    4. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      It’s quite a sad story all round. Colton just wanted to meet the (half) sister he had never known about before, and now he’s potentially completely messed up her life in the process, as well as maybe his own – an expensive inheritance can tear an unprepared person apart if they don’t know how to deal with it, after all.

      If I was in his position I’d be prone to immediately capitulating – make it very clear that I didn’t actually intend this consequence to happen and try to make sure they don’t lose what they expected to rightfully have in the first place. But I don’t know Colton’s mind or circumstances, and I know even less about the sister, so this could play it in very very different ways. I hope at least that they find a way to actually have a family bond despite the anarchic will’s wording threatening to tear them apart from the very beginning, assuming his sister is even worth knowing as a person in the first place.

      (And yes, the first line about the dragon completly wrong-footed me as to genre as well, had to reset my expectations about time and place several times during the story in fact! Not really a flaw though, just a quirk of short pieces like these where readers have to construct a whole setting with minimal material to work with!)

      Great work Rvmple! 😀

    5. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      This is very interesting!! I agree with the other reviewers that it was rather confusing at the end, but that it definitely added to the intrigue, haha!! It does make more sense knowing he only just learned about his half sister and tried to meet her. (Although I’m still confused about the “But I thought she was the only child.” line…he clearly knows she’s not??) Though I do adore that last line. It’s really too bad that he cost her the will and now has to fight her, when it seems his intentions were honorable.

      I was also confused by this line, “but you’re claiming to be older than her and her father—your father—was very particular about his Will.” I had to read it a few times because I first read it as “You’re claiming to be older than her and her father” …aka he’s claiming to be older than his own father. But I think you meant something more like “you’re claiming to be older than her. Her father—your father—was very particular about his Will.” …I think this might be one of those cases where the oxford comma is necessary, haha XD
      Sorry for the nitpicking!!

      I really liked the conversation at the beginning. I like philosophy (and psychology to an extent) so I always find those topics interesting. I really like the way you described both dragon psychology and tyrant philosophy. It’s hard to convey topics like that in 350 words and I think you did so expertly!!
      The slight juxtaposition of psychology and philosophy here I also think is really interesting. I liked Colton’s internal monologue about his opinions on philosophy too, I thought that was well written.

      “Are you saying my father is a problem patria—.”
      “Your father is dead. He was, however, a dragon. He spent his wealth hoarding art, lesser pieces mostly…
      “Your sister is the tyrant. You are a challenger. Do you understand?”
      Was probably my favorite line. I’m guessing his father wasn’t actually a dragon in human form, but rather the advocate is just saying that he had those hoarding tendencies? I really really like that.

      I’m curious why he’s called “the advocate”…it seems like he might be the one who’s supposed to help Colton in terms of his inheritance?
      I’m even more curious about Colton’s reference to DBZ. I was thinking this was a fantasy world until I read that and now I’m super curious!!

      1. RVMPLSTLSKN Avatar
        RVMPLSTLSKN

        Glad you enjoyed it! I do like to dabble with realistic fiction sometimes; this was one of those. It’s meant to be general fiction with no supernatural or fantastic elements. This reflects the choices for tyrant philosophy, dragon psychology and DBZ. All humans here.

        The Oxford comma is a good suggestion. I think your rewrite is the strong line, so if I could rewrite it I would. Please feel free to nitpick. We learn through correction after all!

        I’m going to have to spend some time on rethinking that last couple lines…

        Advocate is another word for lawyer. It’s not colloquial to America, but several English-speaking nations use it in lieu of lawyer.

        1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
          i-prefer-the-term-antihero

          😀 Ahh gotcha!! So is it simply on modern day earth, then?
          Fabulous, haha!!

          😀 😀

          Gotcha.
          I do like the “So does she, Colton, so does she…” line to end it though, haha! I’d be sad to see it go…

          That makes sense. It’s definitely cooler sounding than ‘lawyer’ haha!!

  20. Lunabear Avatar
    Lunabear

    Curse my Words
    by Lunabear

    The intricately carved glass door shatters as it’s kicked open. A tall, red-faced man storms into the cavernous library.

    “Damn Faelon you!” His electric green eyes shoot daggers at the winged creature before him.

    “Ah, Colton! How wonderful to see you again!”

    Faelon dismisses the trembling maid in the hallway behind Colton.

    The door reassembles itself and closes after Colton stomps over the threshold.

    “Is this what?! Did do what you?!”

    Faelon hides his smirk behind a lace handkerchief. His glowing gray eyes dance with mischief.

    “It would appear you’re having syntax trouble, dearest Colton.”

    Colton’s large hands curl into white-knuckled fists.

    “FIX! THIS!”

    Faelon sets down his wine glass on the floating crystal table before pulling down the puffed sleeves of his ruffled shirt.

    “I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

    “WHAT?!”

    Faelon heaves a dramatic sigh.

    Rising from his oversized chair, he throws his long, black hair over one shoulder.

    “It was an accident, you see. I was practicing a new spell, but I lost my concentration.”

    Colton growls at the touch of falsehood in Faelon’s tone.

    Faelon glides to Colton’s side and throws a casual arm around his bunched shoulders.

    “Distractions do that, you know.”

    “Bullshit!”

    “You wound me, Poppet. And after everything I’ve done for you?”

    Faelon pouts.

    Colton tries to push the annoyance away, but he floats out of reach.

    Colton turns his fury towards the bookshelves. He rips tomes from their slots and flips through pages, uncaring that he’s ruining the valuable items. He flings them angrily behind him when they provide no answers.

    “Enough!”

    Faelon pulls Colton away from the books like a child dragging their favorite stuffed animal behind them.

    “WHICH?!”

    Colton attempts to free his wrist from the other man’s marble grip to no avail.

    “You won’t find it, and I refuse to remove my spell.”

    The quiet sincerity halts Colton’s struggles.

    Their gazes clash, and Faelon blinks away his hurt before Colton sees.

    “WHY??”

    Faelon releases Colton and gathers up his books. He replaces each one lovingly.

    Colton watches from a significant distance.

    Faelon finally faces him. “Because. Of. HER.”

    1. I absolutely love that the “accidental” curse Faelon put on Colton was that he can’t say a sentence correctly. With the first bit of dialogue Colton says, I thought there had been a typing error. But when it is revealed that it was done on purpose because of Faelon’s spell, I couldn’t help but start giggling. Good job! I loved it.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so much! I’m so very glad you found this funny and you enjoyed it. Much appreciated, Astrid.

    2. Twangyflame0 Avatar
      Twangyflame0

      God, Faelon is a fun character. He doesn’t seem like a villain, but still antagonistic. The way he effortlessly glides around and handles Colton’s hissy-fit just fills me with giddy. Colton is understandably pissed off, though I’m not entirely sure what kind of spell was put on him. I’m going to admit, I had a little bit of a hard time following the narration, though that’s more likely to be my fault than yours. I’m just unsure what physical changes happened to Colton to cause his duress. You’ve provided an interesting quandary at the end. I’m curious who Faelon is referring to, but it probably just needs another story to widen the context. Very well done, Luna.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so much, Twangy! I’m glad you enjoyed this. Faelon was definitely fun to write!

    3. Tale Foundry Avatar
      Tale Foundry

      Oooh!! I love this one so much!! Luna, you clever girl!!
      I was so confused at first, having to read a couple times over the first mixed up line, but upon reading further, it clicked! This is such a clever take on this prompt!! I have no words other than I absolutely love this~
      Beautifully written as always, Lunabear~

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Awwwww! Thank you so much, Dukks!! Faelon enjoys confusing people. Lol. I’m really really glad you enjoyed this. It means so much to me! I’m going to glad you took the time to read and comment! 💜

    4. RVMPLSTLSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLSKN

      Tagback review!

      While I’m still tickled about the name share we’ve experienced, Colton is very much a unique character here. I do enjoy the syntax as a side effect, though i doubt that Faelon is telling the truth. I’ll admit, for a moment i thought the ‘maiden’ was a reference to Taryn from Reaching into the Maw.

      I liked how tightly you held onto the perspective in this piece. There’s a few areas where it slips, but they’re minor and only regard the two named characters.

      Nitpicks:
      “Damn Faelon you” should probably be broken up by commas.
      “Bullshit” is a great place to write, for probably the only time in your life, “shitbull!”
      There’s a few places where you insert unnecessary paragraph breaks. Here’s a few: “…sigh. Rising…” “‘… done for you?’ Faelon…” “‘Enough!’ Faelon pulls..”

      Great work!

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so much for your review. I am so thankful that you enjoyed it!

    5. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      As I said in my pre-review, I loved the colour theory you did with Colton and Faelon! Having the former be colourful and contrasting compared to the hidden power in Faelon’s ‘glowing grey’ eyes is the kinda imagery I love to see in stories. I never did figure out initially what the curse on Colton exactly was, but now that I know it, it’s a very clever (and no doubt very annoying) curse to inflict upon someone!

      The gradual tone change was great too – it started off very comedic at first, but as the impact of the curse sets in, and they both get increasingly frustrated and angry with each other, that comedic tone fades until it falls entirely into seriousness at the end, which felt impactful to me. It reminded me of a joke getting told over and over again, getting less and less funny each time until finally someone snaps.

      Great work Luna! <3

    6. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      This is great!!

      I’m still not entirely sure what exactly the curse was he put on Colton. It seems like it causes him to have trouble speaking, but I’m curious if it’s anything more than that. Like if it could be that he’s turning into a dragon or something and so he’s slowly using the ability to speak? I don’t know.

      I’m very curious about the story!! Is it the same as the other dragon one I read? I wonder if the “her” at the end was one of the girls from the other stories I read. I’m super intrigued about that last line, and why and what about this girl would make him refuse to release the curse.

      “You wound me, Poppet. And after everything I’ve done for you?”–absolutely savage

      Faelon floating around effortlessly while Colton is rightfully freaked out made for a very interesting dynamic, haha!

      “The intricately carved glass door shatters as it’s kicked open” absolutely love this image.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment, Anti. I’m incredibly happy that you like this, as I had a bit of a difficult time writing it.

        The curse is that Colton has to speak in alphabetical order, no matter the context. A little bit of extra background on that: Colton is really good at speech and words, and he takes great pride in that. So this is honestly a blow to his pride as well as being inconvenient.

        I’m very curious as to why you think he’s becoming a dragon. I’m not sure what led you to that conclusion.

        Also, the woman in question is not someone I’ve introduced yet. Another fun fact is that this was supposed to be a One-Shot, but that doesn’t appear to be the case anymore.

        Again, I’m so very happy and thankful that you enjoyed the story. Your review is much appreciated.

        1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
          i-prefer-the-term-antihero

          You’re welcome!! 😀 Aww!!

          OH WHAT THATS SO INTERESTING

          Oh that was because of your other story, haha!! I thought it was the same universe. I mean, she wasn’t becoming a dragon either, but at first I thought she was, so I guess that kinda stuck in my brain that that happens in that universe lashfhjl!!

          Gotcha!!
          Oh!! Cool!! Like a one-shot as in not attached to any of your other stories? Or just a one-shot within one of your universes?

          😀 <3 <3

    7. GJFuller Avatar
      GJFuller

      This was good. The characters are really well defined and there is a touch of comedy in this. Although, I have to admit, I had to go back and reread it in an attempt to understand what had happened. What was the spell? What is the relationship between these two characters? I know that they are close, but are they friends? Brothers? It leaves me with a lot of questions. In spite of these questions, this is a solid piece. You covered the prompt well!
      Good work!

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you, GJ. The spell is that Colton’s forced to speak in alphabetical order. They have a very close friendship; haven’t decided if there are romantic just yet, though. Faelon is easily jealous, and Colton is important to him. Thank you for reading and commenting.

  21. DesOttsel Avatar
    DesOttsel

    Petty Rivalry
    by Gage Jarman

    Bronach jammed her wooden, training axe into the packed earth and vaulted, crouching. Dempsey raised his shield, and locked his blunted, winged spear into the shield’s slot, so it braced against the ground. Bronach struck and kicked off at an angle. Dempsey was knocked off balance. Bronach landed and twisted her body up. The axe whizzed through the air. The padded blade caught the outside edge of the shield. Dempsey’s arm yanked away from him. Bronach followed up her swing, twirling the axe down and back up. Dempsey sprang back and recentered his shield. Bronach bound to his side. Dempsey pivoted and charged. Bronach wasn’t fast enough. She pressed the shaft out. The shield collided. Her feet came out from under her. She hit the dirt, skidding. The air escaped her chest. Dempsey stood over her with his spear pointed down.

    “Better luck next time, Squirrel.” Dempsey laughed

    “Yeah sure, I almost had you.” Bronach glared, picking herself up.

    “Maybe if you learned how to dodge, you might actually win one, but not anytime soon.” He smirked.

    Bronach dusted herself off. “Don’t act like you’re better than me.”

    “I wouldn’t, if I wasn’t, but I am.”

    “Prove it!”

    “But, I just did.”

    “No, you won a match. That doesn’t prove you’re a better hunter. I’m going to be a scout. If I hit you without you knowing before sunset, I win.”

    “Fine, but you won’t.”

    “No hiding.”

    Bronach slinked through the paths between the huts. She saw him from around the corner, and tucked herself behind some baskets. He was working on something, but he looked up too often. Finally, he stood up and stretched. He was grinning and walked in her direction. She poked her head under the hide wall of the hut behind her. Nobody was home. She hid, laid down, and watched for Dempsey’s stag embroidered moccasins from inside. There they were. Her arm shot out and grabbed his foot. The boy flopped onto the ground.

    “Oh, nononono.” Dempsey clutched the remnants of a shattered pine needle basket he had just finished for an undisclosed crush.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is very lighthearted and sweet while also being funny and tense, Des. The opening action scene is very well written I definitely got a sense of playfulness mixed in with the seriousness. I always love reading about Bronach and Dempsey.

      Bronach may have won the bet, but I’m pretty sure she’s goning regret how she did it later. She ruined Dempsey’s hard work!

      The only critiques I have are that you missed a period, and I feel that a scene transistion indicator is needed after the bet is made. It’s kind of abrupt.

      Overall, I really enjoyed this story. It’s darling. Great work.

      1. DesOttsel Avatar
        DesOttsel

        but you haven’t met Dempsey before…

  22. GREGORY HESS Avatar
    GREGORY HESS

    This has to be a Mistake[Aleph Null Science Fiction Universe]
    By Gregovin

    This has to be a mistake.

    I didn’t deserve to be called the top of my class. Did they seriously fall for the transcripts when I am so clearly a failure?

    They’ll figure out it was all a fluke and I’ll be the laughingstock of the town.

    This has to be a mistake.

    I’m not special or smart or talented. I’m not good at anything. Why do these people want to hire me?

    This has to be a mistake.

    Sasha’s giddy voice says “Congratulations on your new Job Rayna!”

    This has to be a mistake

    Why does she not see that I am a failure? A talentless inexperienced imposter?

    This has to be a mistake

    I say what’s on my mind. “I don’t deserve it. I clearly don’t have the talent that someone like you has”

    She looks at me, thinking.

    “Bull. Shit.” She says in the stearnest voice I’ve ever heard her use.

    I open my mouth to speak.

    Before I could, Sasha interrupted me. “Don’t. You are good enough to deserve this. Don’t let your demons tell you otherwise. Talent is experience in disguise. You are valid and valuable.”

    This has to be a mistake.

    Is it though? Does it really have to be a mistake?

    Yes.

    “You managed to out debate your politics teacher, ace a notoriously difficult exam, and save billions of lives. You are good enough” Sasha continued

    “But… those where just flukes”

    Sasha spoke up, saying “Flukes my arse. Yeah right, you coincidentally managed to out think the third smartest teacher on campus. Yeah right, you managed to guess the answers on a test with a lower probability of acing it than the old SAT system. Yeah right, you managed to follow a trail of breadcrumbs faster than everyone else who was at the incident on accident. That totally sounds plausible.” in an exasperated and sarcastic tone.

    “Y…y…ok then”

    I… don’t have a response to that.

    It might not be a mistake.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I like this story, Greg. It starts off unassured and meek, but then it grows in confidence. Sasha is very good for Rayna’s growth. I think everyone needs a Sasha.

      There are some mistakes in the piece that took me out of the story a little, but overall, it’s a nice story about building confidence and self-worth. Nice job.

    2. This is interesting. I like the way you manage to portray Rayna’s Imposter Syndrome, and how you have Sasha deal with it. Rayna does come off very effectively as someone who doesn’t believe she is responsible for her own fortune, regardless of ho unlikely it is to have happened by pure chance. It’s tough to deal with these types of anxieties and self doubts, and I suspect that Sasha will need to help Rayna through this more than a few times. Nicely done, Greg.

  23. Matthew (Handsome Johanson) Avatar
    Matthew (Handsome Johanson)

    Prime Suspect
    by Matthew (Handsome Johanson)

    Knock knock.

    A stern-faced, young detective waited patiently at the door, watching a few brown and red leaves make their graceful plunge to the earth below. He would have almost been lost in their tranquility, were it not for the mission he was on.

    Eventually, an older woman opened the door and greeted him with a smile.

    “Yes, hello?” She said. “Do you need help, young man?”

    “Y-yes. You are Leslie Hartford, correct? I have some important questions to ask you.” The man took out his wallet and showed her his badge. “May I?”

    The woman eyed him suspiciously for a moment before perking back up and smiling widely at him.

    “Yes I am! I hope I can be some help to you.”

    Once inside, the detective took out his notebook and pen.

    “Let’s get down to brass tacks, here. When was the last time you contacted Michael, your nephew?”

    “Oh, no has something happened to my dear Michael? I-It’s been so long since we’ve talked. O-our families have had some disagreements in the past and we haven’t really talked since. I’d say it’s been about a year.”

    The detective nodded, wistfully. “And what kind of disagreements were these?”

    Leslie took a deep breath. “I hate to admit it, but it was over the will of my late husband. He bequeathed some… priceless artifacts… to Michael’s family that I was hoping to use to pay the funeral costs. W-we never made up properly after that.”

    “I see.” The detective finished writing his notes and then put them away. “Miss Hartford. You are lying to me.”

    “W-what? H-how dare you!”

    “We have phone records that prove Michael received a call from an unidentified caller yesterday. This had to have been from you because he left a note in his planner reminding him to meet with you in the park that day. The very same day that he died.”The detective took a deep breath. “So, Ms. Hartford, what do you have to say?”

    “I-I didn’t want to get involved, but you’ve forced my hand. I didn’t shoot him… on purpose.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Matty! I am always down for an excellent detective story, and this one blew my expectations away! I adore how you build this story up then release the tension the at perfect moment. It’s very straightforward and earnest.

      I love that in spite of this being a detective story, it contains very little malice. I honestly feel very sorry for Leslie because of the circumstances while also respecting the detective for standing his ground. But poor Leslie is so frightened.

      It’s a great story about a stern detective getting to the bottom of a case. I adore the way you do one-offs. Bravo!

    2. GJFuller Avatar
      GJFuller

      This is a good conclusion to last week’s entry. I’d like to see the Aunt try to defend herself in court. I wonder if she’s genuine in her assertion that she didn’t kill him on purpose or if that’s her flimsy excuse for her actions. So many questions…I’d like to see how this all ends. Or maybe this is the end??
      Good work!

  24. Glaceon373 Avatar
    Glaceon373

    The Story of the Factory
    by Carrie (Glaceon373)

    It all began with the factory.

    It was the pride of the village, the main source of income and employment. Working conditions were safe and humane. The workers did not despise their labor or their superiors. It was a quality institution from management to intern.

    The factory took metal from the mines and melted it down and poured it into molds. Screws, bolts, and hinges were its pride in the factory’s early days. Eventually, as more types of metals were mined and the village’s population grew, the factory was also able to produce more complicated parts.

    The factory’s goods traveled in trader’s carts and were sold in large markets. Soon, the name of the factory was spread far and wide, its reputation for quality products spreading with it.

    And then the war came.

    Both sides of the war begged for an alliance with the factory’s village, pleading for weapons and armor to be made for them and promising to pay at least twice its worth after the war was over.

    After great discussion, the village council chose a side and ordered the factory be rebuilt in an image of war. It took about a month for the factory to consistently pump out its new products, but after that month the products were shipped to the front lines.

    They single handedly turned the tide of the battle.

    After the conflict the factory received its payments for its efforts, which fell significantly short of the promised amount. The workers of the factory rejoiced at the return to the old factory and quickly worked to rebuild it to its true state.

    Too quickly.

    The error was small, miniscule even. It could have been caused by anything under the sun.

    But one evening, something exploded and sent molten metal spewing across the factory floor.

    Workers fled the building in screams. Smoke filled the sunset sky.

    The village watched as their factory, their livelihood, their honor, became ruined beyond repair.

    The village watched, and grieved.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I absolutely adore the way you write lore, Carrie. It’s so fun, and it pulls the reader directly into the thick of it. I really got sucked into this one.

      This starts off so happy and optimistic, but then it spirals into despair and ruin. I really love the steady de-escalation of things.

      I feel so sad for this little village because all they wanted to do was survive and be comfortable. But I guess people have to people and take advantage and horde everything.

      It’s honestly really sad that they got paid less than what they were promised, but that was honestly to be expected because greedy people.

      There’s a little part of me that’s hopeful that the village can somehow rise again, but given your propensity for dark fairy tales, I’m not really sure. I will, however, remain hopeful. Great piece.

    2. This is a very deep piece. War leaves nothing untainted, especially after you chose a side. Whether the village knew it or not, their honor was ruined the second they began to profit from a war they weren’t part of to begin with. The error that caused the factory to explode may have been small, but (in my opinion) their choice to participate in the war was the mistake that was made.
      I’m not sure if that’s the point you meant to make, and it could be that I’m reading way to deep into this piece. But your story made me think critically while at the same time being very enjoyable. Well done, Carrie!

    3. Insania404 Avatar
      Insania404

      I think I read into this a bit further than you likely intended, but I read this as an abstract perspective of a human being before and after being drafted into a war. The pay simply did not compensate for the memories that haunt them and the minuscule error that could be anything is a memory that completely breaks the soldier and ruins their mental state beyond repair. Either perspective is equally sad and I grieve along with the village.

  25. Calliope Rannis Avatar
    Calliope Rannis

    It Will Never Happen Again (Nyssa’s Story)
    By Calliope Rannis

    The room was suffocatingly dark. Nyssa could barely see Professor Sianairra from across the table. Her old Elven superior sat with her right side to Nyssa, staring into the featureless black with a cold blue eye.

    “You never listened to anything I said, did you,” the Professor said, a sharp certainty to her voice. “Nothing of any actual importance, in any case.”

    Nyssa shuddered. “I-I thought, I thought that it would just–”

    “That it would just be you? That nobody else would be hurt? That you could utterly desecrate not just your own body, but also the holy artefact of a God, and then just amble off to the afterlife like none of that would matter?” A harsh laugh. “You were always a stubborn, self-centred brat.”

    “If I had known that the effects would spread–” Nyssa’s voice shook.

    “You did not know. You could never have known, but you did it regardless. Renovaire and its people are ruined and drowned, because of YOU.” The Professor’s head turned towards her, and Nyssa tried to look away from that awful face, but the darkness wouldn’t let her.

    “Quelvara…I promise you, I’ll do everything, everything to make this right – I’ll help everyone I can, I’ll try to save lives, I’ll make this world a better place – I-I’ll never cause such destruction ever aga–”

    Another acidic laugh. “Do you expect me to believe anything you say? You lied to everyone for years, and you lie to yourself just as easily.” She leaned a little forwards, her half-crushed features becoming clearer. “If you REALLY wanted it to never happen again, you would have burnt your notes, consigned your dire machine’s memory to ash. Instead, you keep them. You modify them. You IMPROVE them.”

    “-No, it’s not like–”

    “You want this. You want to try AGAIN.”

    “No!”

    “You will never change. You will never help anyone but yourself. You should just end it now, before you–”

    “STOP!!!” The room was suddenly drowned in light, and Quelvara Sianairra was gone. The only thing left was Nyssa lying in her bed, blinking blearily in the morning sunlight.

    1. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      Wow Calliope, this is a really deep take on the prompt. I really like the dialogue here, you can feel just how different these two characters are. The end reveal that the conversation was dream sequence, or something like it, was also very impactful. Overall, Calliope, this is a powerful story. Great job!

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I know you’re used to writing intense scenes, but this one is in a different class. It’s much more than simple intensity because there is a lot of malice and viscera here, Calliope. It’s rough to get through, but that works in its favor.

      You give enough description for the reader to get a good idea of Quelvara’s appearance while also leaving a lot to the imagination.

      The depths of Nyssa’s self-hatred are very familiar to me. I still want to give her that hug because she deserves it. Cannot wait to see what you come up with next! Brava, Milady!

    3. The Assassin Avatar
      The Assassin

      The intensity of this scene is so well done. The dialogue and the prose make the characters immediately understood and where they stand crystal clear. It helps that I already know some about Nyssa, but even without context the weight of the scene still hits hard. The desperation of Nyssa, coming from her failure, is captured exceedingly well. Every line builds upon the last until it all comes together with the final shout of “STOP!!!”. I really felt that, as if the words were actually spoken beside me. 😀

    4. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Oh gosh, knowing the background behind this…this scene seriously hurts. It felt like I kept getting slapped, haha. Poor Nyssa already hates herself enough without people like this in her life, tearing her down…She knows what she did was wrong, and she really is going to try to be better! You don’t have to tear her down like that!!

      Everyone in the other replies is raving about the ending, and I absolutely loved it too, but I’m just trying to wrap my brain around what exactly is happening, haha! This scene feels like it could have been real, so I dont know if it was a memory she was dreaming about, or if it truly was her self hatred manifesting in a dream of someone else tearing her down (the latter would be a bit more preferable to someone actually being so mean to her). And I wonder if, if it was indeed a memory, when she yelled “stop”…she could have accidentally sent a lightning blast through the room…

      Another bit that makes me especially curious is this one: “If you REALLY wanted it to never happen again, you would have burnt your notes, consigned your dire machine’s memory to ash. Instead, you keep them. You modify them. You IMPROVE them.”
      “-No, it’s not like–”
      “You want this. You want to try AGAIN.”
      …Is this true??

      I really like the way you used this prompt. I think it’s really perfect for this point in Nyssa’s story, your dialogue flows extremely well, and it hits hard. Amazing job, as always!!

    5. RVMPLSTLSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLSKN

      Tagback review!

      This piece is definitely more characterizing than some of the more recent pieces. As a scene, I think it’s one of the best Nyssa stories. There are some technical issues (see below), but mostly I wanted to say that there’s one aspect that’s confusing: the dreamscape and the concrete description you give it from the first line. If you instead simply say, ‘it was dark,’ without telling us we’re in a room, we’ll assume that the characters are in a room. It’s a very minor thing, but for dream sequences it’s usually better not to describe things unless the character touches it or it’s important for another reason (e.g. the descriptions of places in Tel’aran’rhiod in the Wheel of Time are used as a tension mechanism).

      Technical issues:
      -“‘If I had known that the effects would spread—’ Nyssa’s voice shook.” I think you should swap these sentences if the goal is to communicate that Quelvara is interrupting her.
      -You end two sentences with em dashes, but I believe there should be a period following the dashes.
      -Nice use of capitalization in lieu of italics, but the triple exclamation mark isn’t grammatically correct. (I think only apostrophes can stack like that).

      Great work as always!

  26. Insania404 Avatar
    Insania404

    Thirteen (Oneiron Universe)
    By: Insania404

    The Architect looked the kid over again. Everything pointed to him being Deprived, from the emaciated body that looked like it would collapse into a pile of bones at any moment, to the dark circles dancing around his bloodshot orbs.

    “Thirteen, how did you beat the Madness? I mean you look like-”

    Thirteen stopped drinking and cut him off. “I look like I’ve already lost myself don’t I – I didn’t beat the Madness – H.C – I don’t think anyone really can – I was just lucky enough to stumble on a way to hold it off.” He seemed to never take a breath and spoke as if someone had hastily sped up an online video, but that was likely due to the coffee.

    The Architect eyed the nearly empty mug that Thirteen held in his shaking hands. “You need more coffee? I was about to get some myself.”

    “Nope – Can’t have anymore – I reached my allowable limit for the day – I’m trying to hold on to this cup as long as I can – Thank you for offering.” Thirteen stared intently at the words that flickered on the monitor, entranced by the methodical pattern of the scrolling sentences.

    “How did you stop the spread? Anyone else would have been consumed or in the cell with the others, if they even survived.”

    Thirteen responded, his eyes still fixated on the monitor. “It was luck – An accident if you will – My obsession with routine finally paid off – When I heard voices – I noticed they abated when I drank coffee. Eventually – I learned to limit my intake enough to function at least.”

    “And what of the times that you cannot drink coffee? What then?”

    “I suffer – These voices are relentless – H.C – but I can’t lose myself to their pull.”

    “I agree, but there must be something you can do to keep yourself sane between cups.”

    Thirteen took another sip. “Believe me – I’ve tried everything I possibly could – There’s no way to control this Madness – You either strictly manage it or give in – It’s so much easier to give in if you believe the voices.”

    1. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      Wow, Insania, this is really interesting piece! I really like your dialogue, but I’m not sure I fully understand why Thirteen’s speech is spliced with spaced out em dashes. If the goal is for him to sound slightly robotic or remove the smooth aspect of his speech due to the insane amount of caffeine in his system, then that goal was reached, but it could have also been done with short sentences or frequent commas if you’re interested in options. Still, Insania, this is a very well-written piece. Great job!

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      So, this one was an intense rollercoaster ride, Insania. I love Thirteen’s character. Manic but sensible.

      I’m even more curious as to what the Deprived even is. They’re obviously people who are lacking something thanks to this Madness and the entity causing it. Then again, I missed the last 2 weeks, so I don’t know if you’ve written anymore on this. Regardless, I would still love to read about it.

      I love the Architect’s counterbalancing calm to Thirteen’s hyperactivity.

      This one is more subdued than the last one I remember reading, but I love it all the same. He saved himself by accident because of his habits.

      Absolutely looking forward to more. Wonderful story!

    3. Coffee. Coffee is the answer to everything. I really enjoy that this perfectly normal drink is managing to keep the Madness at bay, even just a little. Since Thirteen is obsessed with a routine, was drinking coffee part of his routine before the Madness took hold of him? It certainly seems like it.
      Overall, I really enjoyed this piece, Insania. Well done.

  27. ThatWeirdFish Avatar
    ThatWeirdFish

    In My Defense, It Was a Huge Spider

    By ThatWeirdFish

    “Now, don’t panic, but there was a spider,” James said as he stopped Ruth from entering the lab.

    “Okay.” Ruth’s nose itched at the smell of sulfur.

    “A huge spider.”

    “Yeah, right, just let me in already.”

    “So big that I had to use drastic measures to banish the beast!” James stalled and pressed up against the door with a nervous smile.

    “Look,” Ruth frowned. “I can tell you’ve already done something stupid based on the stench coming from there. Just let me in so we can fix the mess before the professor shows up.”

    The nervous flush on James’s cheeks faded to a fearful pale. “Couldn’t we… just… um… tell the professor that there was a break-in?”

    “Seriously? The lab is six flights up and golem guarded, and that’s your excuse?”

    James shrunk under Ruth’s skeptical glare with a nervous chuckle. “Ha… yeah. It does sound kind of silly when you say that…”

    Ruth sighed and ignored James’s protests as she opened the door. The instant wave of sulfur fumes almost made her gag. Through the green haze of whatever explosive concoction James had used, she could see the remains of the alchemist’s lab. Shattered glass lay everywhere. Diminutive golems scrambled to clean up spilled chemicals and elements. Their golem assistant, G-five, limped about on a twisted leg as they put out the rest of the flames.

    And there, on the far wall, was a speck of charred spider dust.

    “What did you DO?” Ruth exclaimed. “This is at least a level five disaster or worse! Do you understand what could have happened to the city if we didn’t have golems to save your ass?”

    “I… but… there was a spider.” James withered under Ruth’s angry lecture. He flinched at the familiar taps of his professor’s cane as they approached.

    “James Bullwick.” The professor said as they cast a disapproving glance between the wreckage and the teen. “We need to talk.”

    1. Tale Foundry Avatar
      Tale Foundry

      Oh… my… goodness…. yeah, if the spider was that big, he did the right thing, one arachnophobe to another. Heck, I think he went lightly on it. At least he didn’t burn down the building. Which, by the way, is also a valid way of killing that gross arachnid.

      This was a fantastic read, Fish. Pardon the pun, but I love the clear chemistry between Ruth and James. I love how this just drips with the tense emotion he’s feeling. Sure, he’s going to get in trouble, but us arachnophobes actually do this kind of stuff when we’re scared. Most of the time, not to this extent, but it can happen the longer we go trying to get rid of the pest, and I’m sure he’d be more than happy to help clean up what he can. I feel for him, I really do. From a psychological standpoint, I totally get it.
      Wonderfully done, Fish~

    2. Makeshift Mousepad Avatar
      Makeshift Mousepad

      This was a lot of fun to read. There was a lot of different kinds of emotion packed into a very familiar scene. For a moment I was believing that this spider was the size of a car. (when it clearly wasn’t).

      Furthermore the relationship between (potentially) magic users and the use of magic is nicely conveyed through the description of the golems. Great work!

    3. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Poor James. As someone who is not very fond of spiders, I agree with his need to exterminate it. He did what he felt he had to do to get rid of the spider, especially one that enormous.

      I also feel really bad for the golems because of how hard they have to work to contain the disaster. I even sympathized with Ruth because she wasn’t there for the spider incident, and her anger is justified.

      Love the way you blend humor and dread, Weird. I hope James doesn’t get into too much trouble. Excellent job.

    4. KipOfTheMany Avatar
      KipOfTheMany

      Oof, I can feel James anxiety from here!

    5. Insania404 Avatar
      Insania404

      Humor and mass destruction go so well together. Add in an overreaction and you have the perfect disaster! I love James’s attempts to cover up his incredible blunder while Ruth is having none of it. The spider being a small speck of dust at the end of the story is just the icing on this cake of pure hilarity. I had a lot of fun reading this one to myself out loud.

    6. Cansas Wanderlust Avatar
      Cansas Wanderlust

      Fun fact, I almost flooded the bathroom in an attempt to wash away the humongous spider that loomed above me. So I definitely sympathize with James.

      The relationship between Ruth and James was fantastic. I thought the golem’s were very helpful in showing us a little bit about the world, and helping us to understand the (completely justifiable) damage James did trying to destroy the evil spawn of hell.

      This was just a really fun and well written piece! Great job, Fish!

  28. Makeshift Mousepad Avatar
    Makeshift Mousepad

    The End of Time

    By: Makeshift Mousepad

    A canopy of crimson leaves rested atop the trees. Ariadne’s spry gate stirred a wake of leaves into the otherwise silent air. Periodically, she stopped and waited for her companion to close the gap between them.

    “You know you walk slow for a guy who can tear open tanks.” Ariadne crossed her arms.

    “I’m also a couple hundred years old.” Joseph smiled, “So, give me a break.”

    As their paths crossed, Ariadne looped her arms over Joseph’s shoulders and let her legs drag. “You don’t look a day over twenty. And, unlike everyone else, you don’t even have to take care of your skin.”

    Ariadne’s chin slid along Joseph as he turned around, “Maybe he’s born with it. Maybe it’s nanobots.” he smiled down at her.

    “Actually, I’ve been curious.” Ariadne replanted her feet. “You said the first generation nanobots made you immortal. But you always seem to regret creating the second generation. Why?”

    The silence of the autumn air left him defenseless to his vivid memories. The events snapped through his mind and he suppressed them just as quickly.

    Joseph inhaled, “Well… There was a terrorist organization attempting to destroy the lab I’d been working at. Only I knew the full potential of my work. But they didn’t need to.” Joseph rubbed the skin over his heart. “They were going to kill me, Ariadne.”

    “So, you acted in self-preservation. What’s so wrong with that?” Ariadne asked.

    Joseph closed his eyes and let the images flow back to him. In his mind, a different version of him stood on a far-off hill glaring back at him. “I had lost all desire to live in my final moments. The muzzle flashes must have distracted me for just long enough for the other half of me to act. The next thing I knew, the needle was piercing my chest.”

    Ariadne pulled him close, “Well, if it’s any consolation. I am glad you’re here. Even if it wasn’t completely your intention.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Wow, Makeshift. This balances humor and sadness so very well. That’s hard to do. This dynamic is sweet and trusting and loving.

      My heart breaks for Joseph, as it seems he doesn’t have the nanobots in his system by choice. It’s wonderful that he has Adriane, though. They complement each other beautifully.

      I saw some teeny mistake, but nothing at all distracting. Overall wonderful story!

      1. Makeshift Mousepad Avatar
        Makeshift Mousepad

        Thank you so much for the review Luna! Joseph’s story has been a very lonely and painful one. These weekly writing prompts have been a fun way to imagine what a “happily ever after” would look like for him. So, I am glad that others get to see these happy moments of his at the end of such a long road.

    2. Insania404 Avatar
      Insania404

      Joseph is such a tragic character, haunted by his own creation. He cursed himself with immortality, but now I learn that he didn’t even want to survive in the first place? His will to live overtook his own desire to let the world crush him. If the other version of him on the hill means what I think it does, he must still regret his decision to live. I love that his melancholy perfectly contrasts Ariadne’s happy-go-lucky attitude and I love that dynamic.

      1. Makeshift Mousepad Avatar
        Makeshift Mousepad

        Thank you so much for the review! I’m glad that this story was able to convey more of the complexities of Joseph’s past better than the previous stories I have posted.

  29. Margaret Couplet Avatar
    Margaret Couplet

    Home to Roost
    By Margaret Couplet

    “It always is, isn’t it?” The girl mused.

    She was small for her age with bouncy blonde curls and hands small enough to fit inside pickle jars. The man lying at her feet wasn’t, he was built like a bear at the end of winter and had hair the color of ashy charcoal.

    “Wh-Wha?” He asked.

    “An accident,” she replied.

    The girl blinked down at him with those big blue eyes, so deep and watery that you could drown in them if you weren’t careful. She pursed her lips in disappointment before glancing around the room.

    It was a small place, cozy even with a white carpet that had a steadily spreading red stain seeping in and a fireplace that was beginning to belch out black smoke. The furniture was small, small enough that it was clearly meant for someone far younger than the man at her feet, for someone even younger than herself.

    “Do you know what accidents are?” She smiled sweetly down at the man.

    The man sobbed in horror, looking away from the needle like teeth that sat behind her lips as he choked on his own breath. The girl huffed in irritation and poked at the knife buried in his lungs with one bare foot, ripping a scream from his throat.

    “Pay attention,” she whined at him. “Do you know what accidents are?”

    “No,” the man sobbed.

    “Oh, good, so you haven’t been making that mistake, one more sin off the list then.” The girl clapped her hands together and giggled like an oncoming storm. “But that just makes things worse because it means the only accident you ever fell prey to has come home to roost.”

    The man’s eyes were going dim as he stared up at her but there was still a certain horror sitting in his eyes, just enough to show that he was still alive. That was fine, he was no use to the girl if he was dead but one step away meant that he was so much easier to twist into what she needed.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Margaret, you have some crazy powerful descriptions here! I had a permeating sense of dread throughout this entire story. It’s brutal and callous.

      Given certain clues and the title, I assume the man was very abusive to the girl. It also seems like he didn’t want her and her birth was unplanned. She’s now acquired abilities (or they’ve manifested), and she’s going to make him pay.

      Devilish. Got chills while reading. Beautifully cruel!

    2. Insania404 Avatar
      Insania404

      This story has some terrifying implications. What exactly does the girl intend to do with the man in order to twist him into what she needs? Will he remain physically human, or will he be turned into a reluctant monster? Are these two related and this is some type of revenge plot? Despite the questions, the story is still wonderfully chilling.

  30. Tale Foundry Avatar
    Tale Foundry

    Part of a Healthy Breakfast
    by DukkiFluff

    “Mummy! Try this, it’s yummy!”

    Her voice barely registers before she’s poured something sweet and grainy down into my open mouth.

    I wake with a start, coughing and spitting out sugar as I sit up. I sigh, brushing the grains from my shoulders, chest, and face. I blink tiredly, seeing she’s already fled the room as I swing my legs over the edge of the bed.

    Alright… bathroom first, then clean up the sugar and change the—

    CRUNCH!!

    What. Was. That?

    I sigh, stepping again.

    CRUNCH!!

    Ohhh God…

    I look down. In my blurry vision, all I can see is… Rice Crispies? Great…

    Bracing myself, I crunch-crunch my way to the bathroom. I’m a little more awake now that I’ve gotten myself moving. I exit the bathroom again, greeted by more crunching under my feet.

    I head up the hallway of the apartment, following her cheerful giggles and the sound of more Rice Crispies pattering against the floor, the table, the rest of the furniture.

    There she is, dancing around in the cereal, her brunette hair still a mess from her slumber.

    “Beluga… what are you doing?”

    She pauses, facing me and smiling her big beautiful smile. “I’m making it snow for Cashmere!!”

    She throws another handful of cereal over the tabby cat lying on the floor. I watch him roll back and forth, then look back to her.

    “Look, mummy!! Isn’t it pretty?!” She giggles in pure delight, completely oblivious to the mess she’s created.

    Here I stand, in a cereal wonderland of Rice Crispies, sugar still stuck all over me, watching my little angel make it snow for the cat at seven in the morning.

    I heave a deep sigh, shaking more sugar out of my nightgown. This was going to take a lot of cleaning…

    But first, coffee.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      DDDUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKSSSSS!!! This is cuteness and sweetness overload on at least two levels! This mom has patience I’m sure most parents can only dream of! I’m not 100% sure how I would react if there was cereal everywhere. She’s a super mom. It’s also extremely hilarious!

      Regardless of the mess, Beluga just wants Cashmere a fun time with snow (I’m guessing they either don’t get much of it or Beluga REALLY wanted to show the kitty what snow looks like).

      Critique:

      There I stood (stand), in a cereal wonderland of Rice Crispies, (different note: I love this sentence!)

      It’s great to have you writing again. Most definitely missed your wholesome stories! Love this piece!

    2. KipOfTheMany Avatar
      KipOfTheMany

      AWWW! This is so sweet. I like the slow ajustment as the mom wakes up. Like there’s only so much info she can take in at a time because she’s just waking up, so we get to walk through this reveal of this huge mess with her. I also like the last line. It captures so much of her attitude, and behavior in three words. Nice!

    3. I’m not going to lie, I also would have needed coffee to deal with the Rice Crispy blizzard of 20xx. I love that the mother is able to take this in stride and not get overwhelmed or angry with her child. She lets her child live in the moment of wonder and joy. This is a very sweet and tender piece. We recognize the child is just being a happy child, yet we can also heavily sympathize with the mother. Wonderful job, Dukki!

    4. Insania404 Avatar
      Insania404

      What a way to wake up. I really like how the mother indulges the child’s imagination, figuring that it’s already a mess, so she might as well let her have her fantasy before she has to clean it up. Of course, the mother may also not have the energy to get upset, since she hasn’t had anything for breakfast yet. Perhaps the true horror hasn’t yet set in. Either way, it’s a cute story that sets off my OCD and I’m thankful that I’m not the one that will have to do the cleaning!

    5. Matthew (Handsome Johanson) Avatar
      Matthew (Handsome Johanson)

      aw lawd they messy x3 I love how you composed this, the perspective you took is really endearing and really helps the dread pile onto the reader as we slowly approach the catastrophe of sugar and delight x3 this was pretty adorable over all! 😀 I’m not exactly sure what can be improved here, other than perhaps adjusting word choice and syntax to slightly smooth out the flow and flesh out the imagery. something that would be difficult to do under the word constraints. good job 🙂

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