Writing Group: Second Chance (PRIVATE)

Hello, Risk Takers and Rule Breakers!

You were warned about this before, sure. But you can’t just give up, now can you? Maybe you messed up, maybe it wasn’t to your liking. Whatever. C’mon, it’s time to pick yourself up and try again, because…

This week’s Writing Group prompt is:

Second Chance

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Lots of us grew up with this sentiment of encouragement, pushing us not to give up even if we fail the first time ‘round. 

But not all second chances are so easily given, many are taken for granted, and sometimes, it never should have been granted in the first place. Take, for a rather easy example, infidelity. One going behind the back of another and violating an agreement made between the two. For some, this would instantly be a deal-breaker. But for others, they can look past this, and allow the relationship to try again. Whether it’s successful or not always depends on the people involved. Perhaps you choose to explore a child getting caught in a fib, and promising to tell the truth next time. Maybe a new employee has botched a job they were given, but are allowed to retry simply on the basis that they are new. What about a long-time employee messing up that same job? Do they get the same leeway as a newer employee? Perhaps this is really as simple as going back through the drive-thru to let the food handlers fix a mess up in your order… or not giving them that chance and then leaving them a negative review.

What about the other side of this, where the second chance was already given? Did that relationship stay intact, or did the cheater fall into old habits yet again? Did the child lie again to avoid getting into trouble? Did they stay true to their word and consequences were lighter? Maybe you could choose the clumsy alchemist student who was given a first and second chance at a test, and whether or not they referred to their notes properly this time. Perhaps someone has already been caught twice trespassing upon sacred land. Do they stop going, are they caught a third time, or do they finally find what they’re looking for?

Second chances are everywhere, and they happen all the time, whether given by others or by ourselves. This intro itself took a few attempts. It certainly wasn’t perfect the first time I tried to type it. Some things never are. Those second chances come often; it’s then our choice on whether we take it or let it go.

So go out there and write! Keep in mind it’s okay to mess up, too. It doesn’t have to be perfect your first run through. That’s what the edit button is for. 

See? Told you second chances are everywhere.

—Shawna

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

Tune into the stream this Saturday at 7:00pm CST to see if you made the cut!

The whole purpose of this is to show off the creativity of the community, while also helping each other to become better writers. Lean into that spirit, and get ready to help each other improve their confidence in their writing, as well as their skill with their craft!

Rules and Guidelines

We read at least four stories during each stream, two of which come from the public post, and two of which come from the much smaller private post. Submissions are randomly selected by a bot, but likes on your post will improve your chances of selection, so be sure to share your submission on social media!

  1. Text and Formatting

    1. English only.
    2. Prose only, no poetry or lyrics.
    3. Use proper spelling, grammar, and syntax.
    4. Your piece must be between 250-350 words (you can use this website to see your wordcount).
    5. Use two paragraph breaks between each paragraph so that they have a proper space between them (press “enter” or “return” twice).
    6. Include a submission title and an author name (doesn’t have to be your real name). Do not include any additional symbols or flourishes in this part of your submission. Format them exactly as you see in this example, or your submission may not be eligible: Example Submission.
    7. No additional text styling (such as italics or bold text). Do not use asterisks, hyphens, or any other symbol to indicate whether text should be bold, italic, or styled in any other way. CAPS are okay, though.
  2. What to Submit

    1. Keep submissions “safe-for-work”; be sparing with sexuality, violence, and profanity.
    2. Try to focus on making your submission a single meaningful moment rather than an entire story.
    3. Write something brand new; no re-submitting past entries or pieces written for other purposes
    4. No fan fiction whatsoever. Take inspiration from whatever you’d like, but be transformative and creative with it. By submitting, you also agree that your piece does not infringe on any existing copyrights or trademarks, and you have full license to use it.
    5. Submissions must be self-contained (everything essential to understanding the piece is contained within the context of the piece itself—no mandatory reading outside the piece required. e.g., if you want to write two different pieces in the same setting or larger narrative, you cannot rely on information from one piece to fill in for the other—they must both give that context independently).
  3. Submission Rules

    1. One submission per participant.
    2. Submit your entry in a comment on this post.
    3. Submissions close at 12:00pm CST each Friday.
    4. You must like and leave a review on two other submissions to be eligible. Your reviews must be at least 50 words long, and must be left directly on the submission you are reviewing, not on another comment. If you’re submitting to the private post, feel free to leave these reviews on either the private or the public post. The two submissions you like need not be the same as the submissions you review.
    5. Be constructive and uplifting. These submissions are not for a professional market, and shouldn’t be treated as such. We do this, first and foremost, for the joy of the craft. Help other writers to feel like their work is valuable, and be considerate and gentle with critique when you offer it. Authors who leave particularly abrasive or disheartening remarks on this post will be disqualified from selection for readings.
    6. Use the same e-mail for your posts, reviews, and likes, or you may be rendered ineligible (you may change your username or author name between posts without problem, however).
    7. You may submit to either or both the public/private groups if you have access, but if you decide to submit to both, only the private group submission will be eligible.
    8. Understand that by submitting here, you are giving us permission to read your submission aloud live on stream and upload public, archived recordings of said stream to our social media platforms. You will always be credited, but only by the author name you supply as per these rules. No other links or attributions are guaranteed.

Comments on this post that aren’t submissions will be deleted, except for replies/reviews left on existing submissions.


Comments

73 responses to “Writing Group: Second Chance (PRIVATE)”

  1. DesOttsel Avatar
    DesOttsel

    Turning it over
    by Gage Jarman

    Jaime marched towards the door and kicked it open. He was tall, blonde, handsome, athletic, and absolutely livid in this grungy, high school bathroom of browns and yellows, littered by years of sharpies and jokes etched into the walls.

    ‘I should be the lead, but no, William gets to be Romeo. He’s the most awkward motherfucker in the club! If he looks bad, we all will. I can’t carry this as Tybalt, and then my Father— Play sports, be a man. Uhg, I’m not going to lose this bet, damn it, but why William? Why does it have to be him?’

    “Shit!” Jaime hit the side of the stall. His head hung low. A jagged message under his fist glowed. A crude etching of a leaf with the words “A flipside for the desperate” scratched just below it. Jaime looked at it closer in disbelief before his stomach knotted up.

    The teen doubled over, curling up on the tile floor. He felt hot. His jaw clenched so tight it cramped. His breaths were rapid. Blood rushed to his skin, making it itch with a foreign numbness. His mind locked down into circular thinking from the sudden surge of hormones.

    ‘Get up. Am I dying? Get up. Just get up.’

    Jaime tried to push himself off the ground, to stand, to sit up, but his hand was shaking, trembling like it never had, and he collapsed. Darkness encroached over his vision.

    Jaime awoke on the cold tile. He felt weird, lighter, except his whole body ached. There was something in his face. He brushed it away, but it swung right back. He picked himself off the floor and stumbled out of the stall. In the mirror, near the entrance, was a girl. She was petite, kind of cute with curly, mousy hair. She mimicked Jaime perfectly. Her eyes went wide and began to water. He— She didn’t know what to do. She wandered into the hall dazed.

    William shouted from outside the auditorium. “Hey, you’re the new girl, right? The boys finished auditions a while ago. You better hurry.”

    “… Ok….”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Oooohhhhhh, Des! This one is great! I love the emotional buildup to Jaime’s transformation. He already displays interests that most people would consider feminine. Definitely nothing wrong with a boy enjoying the theater. I wish his dad would be more accepting. There are definitely many ways to be human.

      There’s a lot of nuance here. I feel like him wanting the lead stems from more than simple love of the thespian arts. He’s a teenage boy; he wants to show off and be seen. I also think that in a way, he wants to prove to his father that what he loves is valid and worth his time and effort.

      Critiques:

      He’s the most awkward mother fucker (this is one word) in the club!

      A crude etching of (a) leaf with the words “A flipside for the desperate” scratched just below it.

      The twist here is great. Jamie’s deepest, most desperate desire is to be the lead. You can have easily had the spell reverse time and have something awful happen to William so that Jamie could take the spotlight. I’m gathering that Jamie had been William’s understudy.

      No. Instead what happens is that Jamie is now a girl. This gives her a second chance at taking the lead, except it’s for Juliet. That’s brilliant, dude! It also seems to have wiped boy Jamie from everyone else’s memory. Love that twist. It’s also a cool take on transgender.

      I’m seriously curious about what the effects of this spell are. Will Jamie remain a girl permanently? If so, will anyone remember her as being a boy before? How will her parents react? Will she get the role of Juliet? If this continues on enough, would she William develop feelings for one another? So MANY possibilities! I wish it were longer! I hope you continue this! Thank you so much for writing and sharing this.

  2. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
    i-prefer-the-term-antihero

    [Removed]

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Right off the bat, Antihero, I love love this title! I am absolutely LOVING the public domain reworks! What I really love about this is the blending of genres.

      The way in which you’ve personified Death as vulnerable and, well, human, is very touching indeed. There’s so much sincerity to him.

      Kronos is too arrogant for his own good. While I was reading, I wanted to take that smug look off of his face. But he’s written so smarmy and self-assured and I love to hate it! I’m really curious to see how his character develops.

      Critiques:

      “Now this (is) unexpected,” Kronos speaks,

      “You’re Time(;) surely the job isn’t too hard for you.”

      The twist here that Death is Frankenstein is so great. Having his memories erased is a wonderful touch, as well. With the context of the original story, it makes so much sense. It gives him so much agency and character! Brava! I’m really loving how this storyline is coming along. I cannot WAIT to see what you do next! Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this!

    2. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      Tagback!

      This piece makes me wonder a lot about the personified abstract concepts of your setting. We’ve seen Elan and Kairos and Kronos and now DeathX2. Are you playing with our parsed down understanding of the mechanics of the greek pantheon? Or is there more at play here?

      This piece is powerfully philosophical and I love it!

      “Neither personification of Death grovels.” is a ridiculously good line. It makes me wonder if Death is a shapeshifter, an actor at heart, changing appearance to fit the role for each player on the worldstage?

      You played a lot with audio description in this piece. I can’t help but wonder which sounds better to you: ‘His words are thick’ or ‘His voice is thick.’

      Great job, Anti!

  3. Cansas Smith Avatar
    Cansas Smith

    Just Another Day In Monstervile
    By Cansas Wanderlust

    “When I said come back, this” Jessica waved a finger at her reanimated husband, “is not what I meant.”

    Zakary sighed and put his decomposing hands on his lopsided hips. “Well, what were you expecting?”

    “Oh, I don’t know, an angel or a ghost of your younger self like Viki’s husband.” Her voice went up an octave as she continued. “Just something, anything else. This is simply repulsive. What would it look like if Viki showed up with Gary looking twenty years younger and floating, Monica strutting next to Vincent and his gorgeous new fangs and flowing black cape, then me showing up with you dropping your fingers and yanking your head back on every ten minutes?!”

    Zakary rolled his eyes. “You’re right, I’ll just go die again and ask the devil for a different suit to walk around in!” There was a tearing sound and his tongue flopped to the floor.

    Jessica squealed as the wet muscle squirmed like a slug. “You see? This is what I’m talking about! And don’t be ridiculous, the devil doesn’t talk to low lives like us. You’d be talking with his assistant, Beezlebub. Lovely fellow. You know I was just talking to his wife.” She shook her head and made a clicking sound with her tongue. “Poor girl still hasn’t made it out of heaven. No matter how many angel wings she tears off, the big man is just too damn forgiving. But I hear Beezlebub is concocting a bomb of sorts to bust her— “

    “Jessica dear,” Zakary interrupted having replaced his tongue. “You’re babbling again.”

    “Oh yes. Where were we? Ah right. You are disgusting, Zakary, and I need you to go back to hell and ask for a new suit. A merman perhaps, or maybe a werewolf. Yes, I do like the idea of strolling up to Tuesday brunch with a dashing werewolf at my side.”

    “As you wish dear,” Zakary grumbled and headed for the door. Maybe he could find the same train that killed him the first time. Now that would be poetic.

    1. Ahahaha, this is great. There’s so much visceral detail; I gagged out loud at the tongue falling out and slugging around.

      I gotta wonder about the day-to-day effects on a world where you can just phone the devil and ask for a favor, and these monster forms are just as important aesthetically as ability-wise.

      Or maybe they’re not, and it’s just Jessica who thinks so. She comes across as a very image-focused person, and kind of an asshole. I think the most significant second chance in this story is the second chance Zakary’s giving her after that display!

      Great piece, Cansas 😀

    2. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      wow, really showing how shallow people are. Like really Jessica is not just happy to have her husband back, no she wants a ‘sexy’ monster. Zakary must really get more out of the marriage then the nagging part.

      All in all love the universe cansas, got a wondervision/older sitcom vibe to the whole affair and I love it.

    3. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      OKAY THIS IS FREAKING FABULOUS AND I’M SO GLAD YOU DECIDED TO POST AHHHHHHH

      What made you unsure about posting this?!?! It’s amazing!!!

      This reminds me of like Beetlejuice, or the zombie in Hocus Pocus? in the best way.
      I forget what that department was in Beetlejuice that they’d have to wait forever at was but I feel like I could totally see these two arguing in the lobby there.

      This is one of those stories where when I try to pick my favorite lines I just wanna highlight the whole story XD, but I’ll try and pick some lines that stuck out to me in particular.

      ““Oh, I don’t know, an angel or a ghost of your younger self like Viki’s husband.”–This is when I knew I was in for something great XD
      “Her voice went up an octave as she continued. “Just something, anything else. This is simply repulsive. What would it look like if Viki showed up with Gary looking twenty years younger and floating, Monica strutting next to Vincent and his gorgeous new fangs and flowing black cape, then me showing up with you dropping your fingers and yanking your head back on every ten minutes?!”

      “And don’t be ridiculous, the devil doesn’t talk to low lives like us. You’d be talking with his assistant, Beezlebub. Lovely fellow. You know I was just talking to his wife.” She shook her head and made a clicking sound with her tongue. “Poor girl still hasn’t made it out of heaven. No matter how many angel wings she tears off, the big man is just too damn forgiving. But I hear Beezlebub is concocting a bomb of sorts to bust her— “

      “Oh yes. Where were we? Ah right. You are disgusting, Zakary, and I need you to go back to hell and ask for a new suit.”–this one killed me XD

      It’s creative, it’s funny, it’s vivid and visceral, A++

      I really REALLY hope you get read this week.

    4. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I haven’t the foggiest idea why you didn’t want to post this, Cansas! There’s so much great dark humor here! The image of his tongue popping out and squirming is funny and horrific at the same time. I also REALLY love how these creatures have connections to heaven and hell. Very nice touch.

      Jessica is SO vain and condescending! One would think that she could be at least a LITTLE bit happy to see her husband. Especially after he’s gotten a second chance at life.

      This is honestly one of those couples that you see and wonder why they’re still together. Poor Zakary.

      The only critiques I see are a few minor comma errors and one missed semicolon.

      I hate that Jessica compares him to his friends’ wives. That is an excellent way to kill someone’s self-esteem. It definitely seems that he doesn’t have the best confidence to begin with.

      I love that you combine visuals and dialouge so well. Through the use of both, you’re able to paint an incredibly vivid picture. I hope Zakary is able to find some kind of compensation for all of this mess. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this. I’m so very happy that you did!

  4. WolfsbaneX Avatar
    WolfsbaneX

    “Sorry About That”
    By Hemming Sebastian Bane

    She couldn’t believe this. Snoring drowned out the ringing telephone. Trash littered his desk. Onus Lakitz was asleep on the job. AGAIN. The small woman slammed her fists into the desk as hard as she could muster. The snoring man jerked up with a shout of alarm.

    “Onus, I swear. If you keep doing this, I swear I will fire you in a heartbeat!”

    Onus stood up, wiping the cheese dust from his hands. “But my father…”

    “I don’t care who your father is. Your actions have lost his company money, Onus. This is the final straw. Your ass is on the line. Do or die. Got it?!”

    Onus slumped and sat back down in his chair.

    “Yes, Ms. Sychule.”

    Ms. Sychule nodded and walked off hurriedly. Onus rolled his eyes as he pulled the office phone off the receiver.

    “Lakitz Repairs. Magic on the fritz? Call Lakitz.”

    “Yes, I’ve been without magic for six hours now! When are you going to fix it?!”

    Onus huffed. “Ma’am, we are busy right now.”

    “Busy? Busy?! My neighbor got her magic back up and running four hours ago. Everyone else on my grid has regained ley line connection.”

    “Sorry, may I put you on hold?”

    “What do you think I’ve been doing?!”

    Onus pushed the hold button and hung up. With a groan, the rotund man stood up and cracked his back multiple times before sitting down again. The on-hold light blinked ominously. Onus picked back up.

    “Sorry about that. We will have someone out to your house within the hour. Have a good day.”

    Onus slammed the phone down and sighed as he slumped in his office chair. This was going to be a hard week.

    1. Lari B.Haven Avatar
      Lari B.Haven

      This it’s a pretty funny story Wolf, I really love settings where the world works like ours, except magic.
      Onus has the right amount of slacker energy to make myself imagine him without the need to describe him as much.
      The dynamic of the lazy waste of space and the stuck up hard worker it’s one that I’m never tired of reading.
      Great story Wolf!

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is a funny one, Wolf. I didn’t notice this the first time, but Onus’s last name is the name of the company. I’m pretty sure that means he was hired on nepotism. Unless it’s his company. Which paints a slightly different story.
      And I’m so surprised that he’s made it as far as he did with the company.

      I like that the woman is a very good counterbalance to his personality. She’s definitely more hardworking and takes herself while more seriously than he does. It’s actually interesting to watch it unfold and because you can tell he just does not want to be there, but it feels like there’s a certain amount of weight on his shoulders in regards to his family.

      I wonder if he’ll be able to rise above the low standards that he is set for himself or will he simply buckle under the pressure. It’s a very good story. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing it.

  5. Matthew(Handsome Johanson) Avatar
    Matthew(Handsome Johanson)

    Unwanted Interference
    by Matthew (Handsome Johanson)

    As I flew back from my quick morning meal, I noticed that something was off about my nest. I hurriedly returned and examined my babies.

    “One, two, three… who are you?”

    Yup, one of the eggs was definitely different. My babies were big and blue; this new one was small and speckly.

    I debated what to do with the foreign egg for a moment. It would have been hard enough to feed the eggs I had once they hatched, so I made the decision to remove it from my nest.

    I carefully tossed the egg from the nest and plopped down, ready for the long day ahead.

    A few hours later, a shadow quickly blotted out the sun. I looked up to see a brown headed cowbird swooping about the tree. I hunkered down, hoping he wouldn’t see me, but it was too late. The bird swooped down and perched on a branch, right next to my nest.

    “Hi there.” He called out in a thick Italian accent. “I hope you are havin a nice day, mrs…”

    “M-Martha.” I quickly stammered.

    “Martha, eh? What a lovely name.” The larger bird took a step onto the edge of my nest. “So, Martha, sweetie. I see youse got a nice nest here.” I nodded quickly, trying my best to keep my nerves down.

    He took another step and peered over me and my eggs. “But, it’s a little dangerous, isn’t it, Martha. I heard from some of my associates that you dropped one of your eggs this morning.” He leaned in. “A tragedy.”

    Then it clicked. “N-nope, I-I haven’t lost any eggs, so far. Th-they are all safe in my n-nest.”

    The bird laughed a throaty laugh. “Don’t lie to me, Martha. I’m a nice guy, honest.”

    He jumped off of the nest and back on the nearby branch. “I’ll give you a second chance to keep ou- your eggs safe. If you can’t do that, you’re going to have to do some ‘relocating,’ if you catch my drift.”

    And with that, he flew off, leaving me along with my young.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      So, is this bird part of some Italian bird mafia? Cuz I got heavy vibes in that direction. Also, he feels very much like a condor or a vulture. He’s so skeevy. Shame on him for trying to intimidate Martha.

      When he says that he’s a nice guy, I just shouted “EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!” at my screen for about 5 minutes.

      I wonder if the egg belongs to the bigger bird. I feel like it does because of how he corrects himself when he’s about to say “our”. See? That right there strengthens my theory that he’s part of some Italian bird Mafia because he probably put the egg in her nest knowing that it’s not hers. He probably knew that she would get rid of the egg, and then he can come back and claim some kind of right on the nest.

      Critiques:

      I quickly flew back and examined my babies. (I hurriedly returned and…)

      My babies were big and blue(;), this new one was small and speckly.

      I carefully toss(ed) the egg from the nest and plop(ped) down, ready for the long day ahead.

      The bird swooped (dove) down and pitched (perched) on a branch, right next to my nest.

      Despite the critiques, I promise you, I love this story, Matty. He’s got a lot of humor interwoven into it, but there’s also danger and really heavy fear. I was seriously scared from Martha throughout the entire conversation with this other bird. I hope she’ll be okay in the future and she can find some way to protect herself. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this.

    2. Lari B.Haven Avatar
      Lari B.Haven

      Oooh this story angers me. But not in a bad way, treating the life of *any* baby it’s really evil. I know the mama bird dosen’t have the moral ground here since she herself, threw a innocent egg away.
      Also, I know some birds are pretty opportunist when it comes to leave eggs in other bird nests, but I never read one that was downright evil.
      I really like those kind stories that aren’t from the usually human perspective.
      This one was a fun experience, and now you make me hate some birds lol.

  6. jesse fisher Avatar
    jesse fisher

    Continue?
    By Jesse Fisher looked over by Edward

    The rhythmic beep of the heart monitor played as a countdown to the person’s final moments in the world they knew. Here after a journey unlike any other was coming to an end. Their memories were fuzzy as the daze of only the noise played on. Vehicles and people were silent as well as the void of the light bringing sea floated outside of their room.

    Machine noises faded as did the person, a collection of knowledge and experience slowly drifting into an unknown. Before they knew it, there was no sound. No sense of time, nor a sense of touch. There was just a floating feeling but no warmth or chill.

    Only a void.

    ….

    ….

    Suddenly a light blinded them as if a sign of hope to the ‘problem’ they now found themselves in.

    “Congratulations,” The weird light…sign started. “Due to you leveling up your skills you have been given a new chance at life. You can either return to your original self but younger with all of your knowledge or start a new journey and keep all your memories.”

    The person had some memories come up reading that message, stories of dying people that somehow end up surviving in another world…but that was fantasy, right?

    Questions of if this was truly death then did that prove they had/are living in a simulation and something programed this for people to get upon death. Or was this true magic giving them a choice? Maybe a god’s doing to show that they had free will even in the end?

    Mental anguish was not coming to them so not even pain could disprove it. Now that left only the choice, load a previous save or start a new game.

    ….

    ….

    Ya that one will do.

    Light blinds the person as they leave the void behind.

    1. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      Wow, Jesse, this is an oddly existential yes somewhat silly take on the prompt. The concept here is amazing, and you executed it very well. Your narrator’s reactions feel very realistic, even with very little elaboration. There are some spots that could have been rephrased to make your point even clearer, but still a very solid piece, Jesse. Nice job!

      1. jesse fisher Avatar
        jesse fisher

        Thanks Glaceon

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is nice, Toa. This feels like the being transitioning from one consciousness to another. I like that the memories get one more run through before the being switches over. I imagine this as what happens when a character gets a redo in a video game. It’s really cool.

      I like that ending is left ambiguous as to whether they choose to start over or not. Very well done. Thank you for writing and sharing this.

  7. Glaceon373 Avatar
    Glaceon373

    A Year-Long Sellout
    by Carrie (Glaceon373)

    The man named Franklin held his head in his hands, elbows resting on the small desk. “I just can’t afford to do this.”

    “Sure you can,” the salesman smiled. “You’re rich.”

    “Not after this I won’t be.”

    “Isn’t that the point?”

    “I know that! Just…I don’t think this is the answer to my whole…issue, y’know?”

    “Actually, it’s your only option. Outside of rotting in a jail cell for the rest of your life.”

    “There’s bound to be another way—”

    “I believe you’re forgetting a certain part of the deal.” A finger tapped a section of the small print of the contract. “You did read the whole thing, right?”

    “Of course I did, I’m not a moron.”

    “Maybe reread this section, then?” The salesman’s signature, tormenting smile practically begged to be punched out of his stupid face.

    Franklin sighed and reread the paragraph.

    “…Done?”

    “Yeah. It lasts a year. Then after that time’s up, you find me again and tell me about all…this.”

    “Exactly. So, to rephrase your choice: rot in a jail cell for the rest of your life, or you get your death faked, have your memories backed up on our systems, and live as a simple nobody for a full year. Three hundred and sixty-five days of complete safety and obscurity, then after that, your life, both now and whatever you’ll be in the future, will be fully in your hands.”

    Franklin took a slow, deep breath.

    “Also, you’ve only got about two and a half minutes to decide—”

    “I’m doing it.”

    “Oh! Great! We’ll have it all ready for you in ten minutes.” The salesman left the room, his smile gleaming in the electric light.

    The year-old security camera footage faded to black.

    The man, who, before then, had thought his name was David, stared in stunned silence at the emptiness.

    “So?” the salesman, the exact same one, slid the screen aside, the exact same tormenting smile on his face. “Finally believe me, Franklin?”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh, Carrie! I love how smarmy and sleezy the salesman is presented. It’s accurate to how a lot of them are. I really love the direction in which you’ve taken the story for the prompt.

      I’m wholly curious as to what was so bad that Franklin has give up his identity and life for a full year. I feel like it’s embezzlement or something along those lines. That title definitely does the story justice. I love it.

      It’s also really cool that the contract takes effect immediately. That trick with the camera going dark: is that so Franklin won’t have evidence of the deal as well as covering this company’s tracks in case authorities come snooping? If so, that is genius, and I love that it coincides with Franklin losing his memory.

      Love love this story. It’s got some humor, but it’s definitely dark. Like what type of life will Franklin even have when he regains his memory? And who’s to say that the current situation he’s trying to get out of won’t be waiting for him once he resumes his life? If that’s the case, then him giving up his money and life is essentially a waste of time.

      Very sneaky work around. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this.

    2. Lari B.Haven Avatar
      Lari B.Haven

      Oh this one it’s really interesting! ‘Deal with the devil’ kind of stories are always so full of tension and temptation.
      I love the way you described the salesman, it definitely gives off a a creepy vibe, being so cunning and willing present this deal to Franklin.
      For some reason I could totally see this as the premise of a Twilight Zone episode.

    3. Cansas Smith Avatar
      Cansas Smith

      I always think it’s amazing when someone can fit so much into 350 words, and do it well. This is really good! You hit a bullseye on the salesman’s vibe! Classic salesman with tones of creepy and probably has a handlebar mustache. This whole concept is very interesting and I love it! Great job, Carrie!!

  8. GJFuller Avatar
    GJFuller

    Tales From the Infinite Hallway: Infinite Chance
    Giovanna J. Fuller

    Angela sped like a bullet through her above-shop apartment stuffing random items in closets, cupboards, and under her couch. Once she was done, she sat on the floor and heaved a huge sigh. ‘All done…’

    “Help!” The soft, mellow voice of her rabbit familiar came from between the cushions of her couch.

    “Cake!” The witch ripped her couch apart and pulled the white ball of fluff out and cradled her in her arms. “I’m sorry.”

    Cake sniffled and burrowed into the crook of Angela’s arm. She yawned. “What’s the hurry? You never clean the place…”

    “I just got the call. They’re coming.”

    “Hmm…they?”

    “Yeah! Mom and dad. In fifteen minutes!”

    The red eyes snapped open and the bunny let out a squeak. “Tonight!?”

    “Tonight!”

    “Now!?”

    “Now!”

    “AH!”

    “AH!”

    “I know! So everything has to be perfect.” She stood up and carried Cake over to the basket full of fluffy pillows and set her familiar down. “It can’t go like last time.” Angela gave an affectionate scratch behind the magical creature’s ears.
    Cake let out a contented, though still sad, sigh. “I know…But…don’t get your hopes up.”

    “I know…But mom told me things are different now. They’re done with their book tour and they’ve cleared the whole night just for me! They’ve promised. No cameras. No fans. No last minute interviews. They won’t even look at their magic mirrors the whole evening! Just me, mom, dad, and Adam-”

    “And Marshall.”

    One could have heard a pin drop.

    “Marshall?” Angela squeaked.

    “Yeah. He’s bringing the next season of that medical show you’ve been watching. *LA MD with No PHD*…” Cake looked up at Angela with sleepy, yet wise eyes. “You did remember-”

    All the color drained from Angela’s face as she remembered her mortal friend and her very NOT mortal parents. She couldn’t imagine how her parents would react to her being friends with a mortal. “Ah!” She ran over to the hotdog telephone she had picked up at some garage sale with Marshall and dialed his number. ‘It’ll be alright. I’ll just cancel before he-”

    DING DONG

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Hooray! You’ve returned, GJ! And so has Angela! Your presence and stories have been greatly missed around The Foundry!

      You never disappoint with your stories, and the Angela series is a fan favorite. I do believe that this is a more subdued, vulnerable side of Angela. She’s still quite hyper, but there’s a nervousness where confidence is often shown. It’s no wonder, given what her parents are like. It’s quite sad because it seems like she doesn’t get much time with them.

      I really love how you juxtaposition that sadness with the classic humor. The hotdog phone got a giggle out of me. Her forgetting that Marshall is supposed to come over at the same time as her parents is very tense, but the way in which you’ve written it is humorous, indeed. Poor Cake! I’m glad she’s ok. Angela’s a wonderful owner. I don’t blame her for her nervousness, especially because her parents may not approve of Marshall just because he’s human.

      That cliffhanger with it knowing who’s at the door is definitely a slick note to end on. I wonder if her parents and Marshall arrive at the same time. Knowing Angela’s luck, it wouldn’t surprise me. It’s great to have you back, sweetie! Definitely looking forward to more! Thank you so much for writing and sharing this!

    2. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      AAAAAAAH! I suspect a night of unintended hijinks to ensue as Angela tries to hide Marshall from her parents while also trying to hide the fact that she’s hiding him from her parents from Marshall. This was such a great story. The hotdog phone was an excellent touch, totally in Angela’s character. The cliffhanger ending was the icing on the cake.

    3. Cansas Smith Avatar
      Cansas Smith

      The Infinite Hallway is my absolute favorite thing! Ok just had to get that out of the way first. Now, the story. I loved everything about it! The adorable dialogue, the well done cliffhanger at the end, and the fact the familiars name is Cake. I don’t think I’ll ever get over how precious that is. Amazing story GJ!!

    4. Oh nooooooo, this is bound to be TERRIBLE for Angela. Naturally, I desperately want to know what happens next XD

      The highlight of this piece is definitely the character interactions. I read the echoing bits several times over, and they made me laugh every time.

      I’ve missed this story world! It was great to read in it again.

  9. Lari B.Haven Avatar
    Lari B.Haven

    The sunset we shared (Haven’s tale)
    By: Larissa (Lari B. Haven)

    When Haven closed her eyes and concentrated, she could sink into her own mind.

    The task ahead wasn’t as clear to her as it was to her master magician.

    “Find your mind palace,” he instructed. “Imagine it, visualize it,—and as your first magical act—bring to reality.”

    What does that mean? What does a mind palace supposedly look like? It was too late to ask now.

    Inside her mind, there was nothing. It was as barren as the blank void she’d left. She forced her mind to think about something, but nothing came. So she just wandered aimlessly through her thoughts.

    “Think about what home means to you,” he had advised.

    The people she loved and cared for were her home. But even there, they were too distant for her to call upon. Home was now a thing she lost and couldn’t return to.

    All she had were those confused, sinking feelings and escaping glimpses of light. But she had to do it.

    Haven took a deep breath—or at least imagined one—and tried to reach in the dark the faint glow that shone above her.

    She jumped, throwing her head to the back and feeling each limb dissolve like mist. In this shapeless form, she rose in the light’s direction.

    “The sunsets are my favorites, Haven.” A faint maternal voice echoed in the light. She could almost reach it. “I wish we could return to this moment forever.”

    And she opened her eyes.

    “Your mind created something so simplistic yet hauntingly beautiful,” her master praised her. “Hurry, Miss Haven. Your palace awaits.”

    She looked up, her first grand magic spell. It was a room, made entirely of pink and orange clouds, stuck in the warm sunset glow.

    She got up and took in all the beauty of that very moment. The emptiness she felt before was gone.

    That was her new home, at least for a while. A place where she could stay, and hope for the day she would have the chance to share that sunset again.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Oh, Lari. This is so very beautiful. I really really love how you balance light and dark in this piece. While reading this, I could genuinely feel Haven’s struggle with herself. She wants so badly to find an inner strength and a peace, but it’s so easy to see that she is on the verge of giving up on it.

      I really love that you define the inner peace as a “mind palace”. I feel like that specific term embodies much more than simple inner peace. It feels very much like discovering a different facet of her being.

      The tranquility that Haven finds after she does into her mind again is so palpable and powerful. It is a very beautiful and vivid memory that she has watching a sunset with her maternal figure. That’s very heartwarming.

      Critiques:

      “Find your mind palace,” he instructed(.) “Imagine it, visualize it,—and as your first magical act—bring to reality.”

      But it (she) had to do it.

      I’m so sorry that I missed these two. I absolutely love this story. It is sorrow and tranquility. It is heavy and light. I’m absolutely loving how Haven’s character is developing. She’s very nuanced and complex and flawed. And I honestly think that that is beautiful and realistic. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this.

    2. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      Lari, this story is gorgeous in basically every way. The descriptions you have here are extremely powerful and immersive. That, combined with your character interactions, makes your story very impactful. I saw in the title that there’s more with these characters, and I’m very exited to read it. Overall, Lari, amazing story. Great job!

    3. DesOttsel Avatar
      DesOttsel

      I really like this. I think your descriptions were good, though I would have liked it to be a little more visceral/experiential towards the end just to slow it down and let the beauty sink in. I would have also liked a mention of the darkness at the start of the dreamscape. I kind of pictured the void as a blank white and it threw me for a loop for a second, but that’s just me. I also like the little hints at her character and her perception of the world and her friends.

      It’s a pretty simple story, but I think you did a good job with it and it resonates.

  10. Insania404 Avatar
    Insania404

    A Blank Slate (Oneiron Universe)
    By: Insania404

    “I was so careful, almost undetectable. I concealed the symptoms of my presence behind benign insomnia, yet somehow you saw through my ruse. You built this machine to balk my efforts and now it sustains your life as well. Ironic, how the scientist becomes the lab rat. Don’t you agree?”

    The shadowy creature looked down at the man suspended in the infinite void.

    “Jamie! Are you listening to me? Wake up!”

    A sharp pain seared through Jamie’s mind and his eyes shot open, only to be blinded by the scorching cluster of white lights that floated over the shadowy figure looming overhead.

    Jamie stirred and spit crimson onto the formless ground.

    Jamie spoke between gasps. “I knew it was strange, how the Madness destroyed the mind and left the bodies intact. You don’t just use them as puppets, like I originally thought. You feed on them! The Haze, the Madness, They were never real, were they? It was always you!”

    “Jamie, I thought you were a man of facts, not speculation! Who are you to judge what is or is not real? Are you not in a coma right now? Who’s to say that the world you know was ever real to begin with? Alas, our time to chat has ended and you’re no closer to the truth!”

    “What truth? The truth is nothing more than your own fabrication. You’ve blinded us and warped reality into your own version!”

    “This is why you’ll never learn, Jamie. Perhaps, when we meet again, you’ll have greater understanding. Until then, you’ll have to start over. From the top!”

    Jamie sat up in the tall grass. The wind whistled through the dark green trees and he brushed aside some rogue blades of grass that threatened to scratch his cheek. He spotted a small wooden sign in the distance pointing to the left and right. Squinting, he could barely make out the words ‘City’ and ‘River’ crudely drawn in white paint. Something compelled him to pick a path and as he strode forward, the events that took place just minutes ago drained from his mind.

    1. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      Wait, is Jaime in a timeloop?!

      This is a terrifyingly fun piece. The speculation you’ve had building isn’t going anywhere, but you’ve given fuel to more speculation.

      I’m glad to know that Jaime and you will both be returning.

      Well done!

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh, Insania! The Groundhog Effect! Jamie is in a time loop, but for what purpose?? What lesson is he supposed learn? What is supposed to understand? Could it be the mysterious origin of the shadow creature? The Haze? The Madness? Could it possibly be that shadow creature was born into existence by the collective human consciousness? What could it possibly be that the shadow creature and Jamie are connected in unseen ways, and that’s why the shadow creature is trying so hard to get Jamie to see it? Maybe Jamie is a figurehead for the shadow creature and the shadow creature is using him for something. That’s why Jamie is in a position of power, and that’s why it’s taking so long for the Madness to consume him-because the shadow creature still needs him for something.

      SO MANY questions this story raises!

      I really love this, man. There’s such great dialogue here! It’s so rich and engaging while still being steeped in so much mystery.

      It’s super interesting to me that this shadow creature and Jamie have this begrudgingly tenuous relationship that others who fall within the Madness don’t. I think that’s evident by how the conversations between them go.

      I’m super stoked to see where this goes next. I really enjoy Jamie’s character. He’s simply a man trying to do his best to save this city. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing it.

    3. ThatWeirdFish Avatar
      ThatWeirdFish

      This is an interesting take on the fabricated world scenario. The ending gives me starting a videogame vibe, which makes me think that the shadowy creature views all this as a game.

      I feel sorry for Jamie. He’s worked so hard to discover the truth of his world, only to have it ripped out from under him. Maybe he did learn the truth-or just a part of it, as the shadow figure suggests. We may never know.

      I also like the dialog here, particularly from the shadow figure. It seems like they’ve been through this conversation before somehow. Hmmm…. it makes the mind wander.

      Excellent story, Insania!, I look forward to more installments in the Oneiron Universe.

  11. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
    RVMPLSTLTSKN

    Once More with Feeling
    By RVMPLSTLTSKN (The Saga of The Deep One’s Wake)

    He sat next to the fire as he opened his clams. The wind moaned dully in the eaves. The thick walls removed the worry of it from him. The temple silent but for the Everflame’s weak crackle. Iron on shell. A deep breath, half released. Push now with a half turn. Don’t hurt yourself.

    The clam yielded. He plucked the precious pearl from its meat with a pair of copper tongs. The pearl to a bowl of water. The meat to the stew. Shells ring in a pile.

    Onto the next one.

    He had a half dozen of the pearls again, red like sea-god’s crown. Red like coral on the beach after a storm. Red like a fever. Like the Deep One’s skin.

    Padas glances at Vienas, dozing next to the Everflame. The pale light lit her face and made her look more becoming. He was alive. He was well again. He was the Living. It all overwhelmed him, silenced him and forced him to reflect. Alive. Hale. Whole. And more.

    He closed himself to his feelings, closed off tight like a rosebud, small and red.

    The knife on shell again. A slow prying into the wet meat. The clatter and splash.

    “What’s wrong?” Her voice quavered as a quiet thrum in the once-holy building.

    “Nothing. Just thinking.”

    “What about?”

    “Nothing.”

    A pause as pregnant as she was. “You’re usually quiet, but there’s more to it tonight.”

    The knife again. He dropped the pearl into the bowl.

    “Are you finding many?”

    “That was the seventh.”

    “Are you angry with me?”

    “No, just thinking.”

    “You were dying.”

    “I know.”

    “I couldn’t live without you, Padas.”

    “I know.”

    “Then what is it?”

    He looked at her. Her red, blinded eyes. Her obsessively combed hair. Her worried face. Words eluded him. In this reverie, he couldn’t think of how to answer. Memories like fever dreams. The élan of the Living. The spiritual turmoil of epiphany and lust and something more. Something beyond him. Beyond human capacity.

    He said the only thing he knew to be true. Real.

    “I love you.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      RVMP, this is an incredibly sweet piece. Yes, it’s still dark and heavy, but that’s mostly relegated to the background. I love the scant mention of The Deep One’s skin. I think he’s been talked about in terms of non-physical presence besides him being so big.

      In regards to the emotional aspect, I love it. In the last installment, Padas had worked so hard to collect the pearls for Vienas, but then she uses them to save his life. I appreciate how that carries over here.

      One of the first things Padas does after his fever breaks (if I’m reading this correctly) is to get right back at collecting pearls for her.

      What I absolutely adore about the way you handle this is that they have this open communication. There’s no beating around the bush. That’s such a strong character building moment for both of them.

      And Padas could have EASILY blamed her in some way or held the fact that she used the pearls he worked so hard to collect for her over her head, but he DOESN’T. That is such a beautiful aspect of his character. I REALLY love it.

      “A pause as pregnant as she was.” I REALLY love this line! It’s such a simple implementation of the world building, but it says so much.

      Critique:

      Padas glances (glanced) at Vienas, dozing next to the Everflame.

      I love that this gives such depth to their relationship. It has a quiet intensity about it, but it’s very open and honest. It’s very guileless and sweet. I also really love that Padas can’t immediately articulate how he feels, but Vienas gives him the space to figure out what he’s trying to say instead of rushing him or putting pressure on him. That’s a beautiful thing that I really wish more relationships with display. Thank you, man. Thank you.

      And that ending line nearly had me to tears. For these two struggling people who have faced much tragedy and hardship to find love and moments of peace in this bleak world is so heartwarming. That’s definitely the romantic in me, and I appreciate it so much. Brilliant story. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this.

    2. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      “The thick walls removed the worry of it from him. The temple silent but for the Everflame’s weak crackle. Iron on shell. A deep breath, half released. Push now with a half turn. Don’t hurt yourself.
      The clam yielded. He plucked the precious pearl from its meat with a pair of copper tongs. The pearl to a bowl of water. The meat to the stew. Shells ring in a pile.
      Onto the next one.”–Absolutely love the rhythm here. You can really feel his actions within the cadence of the words. Wonderful use of indirect speech.

      “red like sea-god’s crown. Red like coral on the beach after a storm. Red like a fever. Like the Deep One’s skin.”–These are all super pretty, but also hold on a second!! I didn’t know the pearls or the Deep One were red!! :O
      It’s interesting, I don’t really realize that I view stories in specific hues, but I view this story in lots of greens, yellows, and whites. Red sticks out a lot in such a pallette–which, I mean, works well for all the things that I now know are red. But I always thought of the pearls as white and the deep one as green. This is interesting.
      Have we ever gotten a full description of the deep one?

      “Padas glances at Vienas, dozing next to the Everflame.”–Cute image!
      “The pale light lit her face and made her look more becoming.”–Aww
      “He was alive. He was well again. He was the Living.”–This is very cool. I didn’t connect last week how the pearls were “for the Living” and that he was about to become, well, not the Living anymore, and it was the pearls for the Living brought him back to life. It’s a cool idea.
      “It all overwhelmed him, silenced him and forced him to reflect. Alive. Hale. Whole. And more.”–Cool cadence again.
      “He closed himself to his feelings, closed off tight like a rosebud, small and red.”–Beautiful but sad image. Is he doing that because feelings are how the Deep One gets in? Or does he just generally do this?
      “The knife on shell again. A slow prying into the wet meat. The clatter and splash.”–More cool rhythm.

      “Her voice quavered as a quiet thrum in the once-holy building.”–Pretty phrase, especially “once-holy.”

      “A pause as pregnant as she was.”–I’m trying to decide how I feel about this. One side of me thinks it’s a little too over-the-top, and the other absolutely loves it. It has stuck with me since I first skimmed the story, though, so maybe that means the side that loves it is the winner.

      “He looked at her. Her red, blinded eyes. Her obsessively combed hair.”–Now that’s an interesting image. I don’t think of Vienas is obsessive like that. Adds something to her character/mannerisms.
      “Her worried face. Words eluded him. In this reverie, he couldn’t think of how to answer. Memories like fever dreams.”–Pretty phrase.
      “The élan of the Living.”–Eyy!!
      “The spiritual turmoil of epiphany and lust and something more. Something beyond him. Beyond human capacity.
      He said the only thing he knew to be true. Real.
      “I love you.”–ABSOLUTE CHEFS KISS
      Bonus points if this is the first time he says that.
      The first time I read this I misread it as her saying it, when I realized it was actually him my heart just…yes. This is good.

      The rhythm of the conversation also fit really well with all the rhythm in the piece. I liked it.

      This was a great one!! It’s cool you were able to continue last week’s so directly.

      1. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
        RVMPLSTLTSKN

        I’m glad to see folk enjoyed my experiments with prose style these last two weeks.

        To answer your questions:
        • I’ve shied away from describing TDO as the physical appearance isn’t too relevant, except where the survivors recall it.
        • This is the first time Padas admits to his feelings for Vienas. They’ve been together about five years at this point.
        • ‘Pregnant pause’ is a weird phrase in the language. It brings to mind a sense of impending pain and abrupt ending of the status quo. I thought highlighting the knowledge of her physicality would be prudent here.

  12. MasaCur Avatar
    MasaCur

    Plan B
    By MasaCur

    Cristian took a seat with the others in Ridgecloud’s briefing room. Standing at the head of the table was Sonja, and in front of her was what Cristian could only describe as a cannon.

    Sonja looked around the room. “Okay, since we’re all here, I should tell you what I have planned. We’re taking another crack at Rikke Farlund.”

    There was an audible gasp from some of the other members of the group, and Cristian noticed that Francis had gone pale under his beard.

    “Are you sure about this?” Francis asked. “We took some heavy hits last time we tried to infiltrate her compound.”

    Sonja nodded. “We’re already at war with her. It’s not going to stop until one of us is out of action. But we’re not going to hit her compound this time. We’ll take her out while she’s in her car.”

    Cristian raised an eyebrow. “Won’t her car also have protection?”

    Sonja nodded. “Yes, quite likely. Both physical and magical, in all likelihood. That’s why we’re using this.” She slapped her hand on the weapon on the table. “This is a twenty milimeter anti-material rifle. It’s powerful enough to shatter common shield spells. Melissa, Ramona, you two need to learn how to use this thing.”

    The two ladies glanced at each other before giving a hesitant nod.

    “This should be able to disable Rikke’s car,” Sonja said. “Once that’s been immobilized, the rest of you will neutralize her security, and abduct her. From there, we should be able to transport her to a holding facility, and negotiate a truce.”

    “It sounds dangerous,” Francis said.

    “Yes, it probably will be,” Sonja replied. “But less so than the last attempt.”

    Francis sighed. “I just want to make sure everyone stays safe. I’d rather not do another resurrection if it can be helped.” He glanced at Cristian.

    Sonja’s eyes tracked over and looked at Cristian. “Are you okay with this, Cris?”

    Cristian shrugged. “I guess I’m okay with it. I did die last time. But it’s not like I remember it happening. I’m sure this time we’ll be successful.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I’m never disappointed to see the Ridgecloud gang, Mas. I love that though wraparound story focuses on Cristian. He’s very cool character. And I really love how Sonja asks if he is okay with facing Rikke again, given what happened to him last time. I think that’s a great way to show respect and camaraderie between the two.

      One of my favorite things about this, though, is how you build Rikke up as a threat without even needing to show her. The ways in which the group reacts to having to face off with her again is very telling, and I think that’s some really good subtle character building.

      I’m genuinely curious as to what Melissa and Ramona are supposed to do with that cannon. I feel as though exciting things are on the horizon, and I am here for them all. I also really love how you take the time to give each member of the group more and more character development with each new installment.

      Your exposition is on point and I love that you leave enough open for the readers to discern certain things on their own. That’s called building a rapport with your audience. Great job. I would absolutely love to see more from this particular universe. Maybe even show a little bit of Rikke?

      Overall, this is a fabulous piece, and I wholeheartedly look forward to more. Thank you for writing and sharing it.

    2. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      “I did die last time.” O.o

      This feels like a fun set up for a heist/gang story. I’m wondering why they aren’t A) trying to just kill Rikke and B) why they aren’t worried about the cannon killing her.

      Is this part two of another story?

      Good job!

      1. MasaCur Avatar
        MasaCur

        Thanks, Rvmp. There was a previous story I wrote in which Cristian died, and needed to be resurrected, although I’m really hoping that this story makes enough sense that you didn’t need to read that one as well.
        The 20mm rifle is pretty much going to be used to disable the car’s engine, nothing more. It’s overkill, but there’s a bit of a joke in this universe regarding how 20mm will go through a certain spell, while .50 BMG will not.

  13. Rapture
    by Brickosaur

    When the rapture came, nothing really changed.

    The sky unzipped, and some unfathomably forgettable face poked through.
    “I’ve built another planet. It’s perfect. I’ll be moving immediately, and I’m taking my bestest creations with me. Thank you for participating in my experiment.”

    And then God just fucked off.

    Naturally, everyone freaked out. People packed bags and ran to tell each other goodbye. Insta-wills were drawn up. Everyone partied, as we all waited to be taken up to this glorious new world.

    We held our breath.

    And nothing happened.

    Fucking zero discernable difference, in any civilization on the planet.

    Well, Jerri did go missing, but that was probably a classic lost-in-the-shuffle that would be fixed in the new place.

    Okay, we reasoned, maybe it’s just taking a minute. This is an omnipresent, immortal being, after all. On those timescales, “immediately” could mean anything! And God’s probably making the final touches, so that it’s nice and ready.

    So we held out for a few more weeks.

    By this point, party poopers were saying we needed to get back to work. Nobody’d been interested in keeping the economy going with the promise of paradise. But we had to stay alive while we waited, so business as usual, we guess. That one disappearance probably wasn’t the first guy to get raptured, after all.

    It was on day seventeen, back in our reluctant old lives, when something fell from the sky.

    Again, pandemonium, as everyone prepared for extinction level firefloods or a beam from the mothership. They sent every major world leader to pick up the heaven-sent artifact at once.

    It was a postcard.

    “Dragoncorn Beach, Euphoria, Planet Perfection. Having a fabulous time. Wish you were here! XOXO”

    On the back was a selfie of that ordinary-ass face from the sky. And next to it, the missing person.

    Turns out, the sum total of “my bestest creations” was every pigeon, some really cool seashells, and Jerri. They all went quietly that first day, to live happily ever after.

    They abandoned us. And without even an apocalypse to remember them by.

    1. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      Brick, this was just hilarious. I kind of got the idea of where this was going fairly early on, but knowing that the Rapture was not going to include pretty much anyone in no way blunted the humor of this story. I had a really good laugh while reading this one. Great job.

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Why does this immediately feel like a child playing pretend? That’s what struck me about the beginning. I really love the line about the sky unzipping.

      This is quite funny, Bricko. I’m trying to imagine the partiers. The preparation alone has me breaking out. Never mind the amount of people.

      Critiques:

      But we had to stay alive while we waited, so business (as) usual, we guess(ed).

      That one disappearance probably wasn’t just (omit) the first guy to get raptured, after all.

      Honestly, this event must feel so anticlimactic for the people who didn’t get taken. I can’t imagine making all of the preparations and only getting a face followed by a postcard. I really enjoyed this. Also, congratulations on getting your story out so early. Very proud of you. Thank you for writing and sharing it.

      1. Thanks for catching those! I was debating 2 of them myself, and I have no idea how “as” got deleted.

        I’m leaving “we guess” present tense because that feeling of “hold up” is intentional XD But it’s definitely not *correct*

    3. Iceburgh69 Avatar
      Iceburgh69

      Love it! It kinda brought to mind Douglas Adams when I read it. A sort of understated-yet-absurd humor that I absolutely love! I’m also reminded of someone who postulated that the Rapture has, in fact, happened but no one was worthy of being taken. Rather interesting implications. And the fact that God gave all of humanity (except Jerri) the finger also has some interesting implications.

      1. Aaaaa thank you! I had Hitthhiker’s Guide in mind, and I think that informed the tone here. That comparison just made my week <3

  14. Iceburgh69 Avatar
    Iceburgh69

    Second Bid
    By Iceburgh69

    Jullian fumed inside of his armor. The invasion of the inner planets had been proceeding according to plan. His Clan was to take over a backwater planet, and the key to that was to overtake a small garrison. Jullian’s Point of five armored infantry could easily have taken it, but for his rival, Richard, who had the winning bid of four. So while Jullian was aboard the ship, Richard was down on the ground wreaking havoc.

    The enforced idleness is marching on Jullian’s nerves. He goes through a systems-check…again. He watches the chronometer…again. He grinds his teeth…again. The one thing that would salvage his pride and sanity is for Richard to fail, and Jullian’s Point to be unleashed. He goes through his battle-plan again, knowing full well the ancient adage that no battle plan survives first contact with the enemy.

    The centuries have left the inner planets soft. They will accept anyone into their warrior caste, even those not bred specifically for the purpose. Nothing but cannon-fodder that will burn under the boots of the Clans.

    ALERT! ALERT!

    Jullian starts for a moment, not comprehending what is happening. Then it dawns on him and he grins a feral grin. Richard had indeed failed.

    “Saddle up, whelps! Time to stomp them into a mudhole!” The four with him, clad in the same power-armor as he is, assemble and begin their final preparations. Systems check, weapons checks, comms checks. They pile into the shuttle, ready to swoop upon their target like living bombs.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is a very interesting take on the prompt, Ice. Even though the reader doesn’t get to see any of the action, it’s still quite intense. I like that Jullian kind of placates himself by looking at the situation from as many angles as he can while his ground troops swoop in.

      I’m interested in how Richard and Jullian know each other. From the way it’s worded, Richard and Jullian have a history together beyond just being enemies. Although, that just might be my mind reading into things.

      Critique:

      Jullian fumed (fumes) inside of his armor.

      There is definitely a smugness that comes from Jullian here. He kind of goes through a range of emotions in this piece, and I really like that. I also like that he does not allow those differing emotions to show to his troops. I’m also very curious as to what things were like on Richard’s end. I think I may be slow in this regard, but did the plan fail because Jullian’s ground soldiers were able to overtake Richard’s?

      It’s kind of cool to see Jullian get his second wind as he gets a second chance to take Richard down. Very nicely done. I would like to see more of them. But I also feel like you’ve written about them before. I could be wrong, though. Also, that last line is really spectacular. I absolutely love the imagery that it creates. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this.

      1. Iceburgh69 Avatar
        Iceburgh69

        I haven’t written about them before, but I AM tucking them away for later. I will say this, though; they’re not enemies in the way that you’re thinking that they are. They’re more rivals. They aren’t in direct conflict, Richard got the winning bid to attack the garrison. It seems that I need to make that clearer.

  15. ThatWeirdFish Avatar
    ThatWeirdFish

    Try Again (Tales from Alsair)

    By ThatWeirdFish, with help from Lunabear

    THWACK!

    Jule congratulated Mara on her shot as the hanging target spun, arrow firmly lodged in its center. Then he aimed and fired. His arrow found its mark on the target’s opposite side.

    “Show off,” Mara playfully muttered as she collected the arrows and reset the target.

    Dresden watched the bantering hunters with crossed arms. Though he never fired a bow himself, it looked easy enough. Why did they need to practice so much?

    “Hey, let me take a crack at it.”

    Mara stifled a laugh and said something to Jule Dresden couldn’t understand. Jule rolled his eyes and handed Dresden his bow and an arrow. He patted Dresden’s shoulder and pointed to the closest target.

    “This… is… easy!” Dresden hid his struggle to pull back the bowstring behind a smirk.

    WHAP!

    Dresden’s confident smile faltered at the sight of his arrow standing firmly in the grass in front of the target. His cheeks flushed at Mara’s laughter.

    “No,” Jule chuckled. “Like this.” He demonstrated the proper stance and encouraged Dresden to try again.

    Dresden inhaled sharply and aimed.

    THWISH!

    The arrow disappeared into the bushes beyond the target. Mara called over some passing hunters and pointed at Dresden while saying something to them. Their laughter burned in his reddening ears. “Jule, I can’t-”

    “You can.”

    Dresden’s heart pounded as the handsome hunter came closer.

    “You are too tense.” Jule guided Dresden’s arms into the correct position, hands resting gently on his elbows. “Breathe deep. Feel the earth beneath you and the sky above.”

    The hair on the back of Dresden’s neck shivered at Jule’s voice. “When you are in harmony, let it fly.”

    Dresden’s breathing slowed as he tried to focus. Time seemed to pause as he drew in a breath and aimed. He fought against his imagination as his crush leaned in closer.

    “Now,” Jule whispered.

    THWACK!

    Dresden stared in disbelief. He had hit the target! Well, the rim of it, at least.

    “Well done!” Jule beamed and patted Dresden on the back. “I knew you could do it.”

    “Y-yeah.” Dresden chuckled nervously. “I guess I could.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I really love the dynamics between all of these characters, Weird. Mara, Jule, and Dresden have their own distinct voices. Mara and Jule are quite competitive. They have a very sweet, laid back relationship.

      Mara and Jule have had more practice at archery, so it makes sense and feels very natural that they would be more comfortable with it, as well as be a bit arrogant. Meanwhile, poor Dresden is trying his best to not look like or act like he cares.

      Dresden comes off as the typical standoffish, tough guy, but is quickly revealed to be a shy, rather insecure person. Like he has low self-esteem and puts on the brave front to hide his uncertainties and fears. It’s wonderful that he shows a good deal of emotion here. I really love when a writer isn’t afraid to have guys show emotion.

      I know that’s probably redundant or unnecessary for some at this point in time, but it always surprises me and hits me in a very warm spot in my chest whenever I get to see men express emotion. It’s very sweet and reaffirming to let guys know that they can show their feelings and be accepted for it instead of ostracized. That is absolutely one of my favorite parts of your story.

      Add on top of Dresden’s emotions the fact that he has a crush on Jule. I did not expect that initially. It is definitely a pleasant surprise, and I am 100% here for it. One of the main things about Jule teaching Dresden how to shoot an arrow properly that gets me is how natural and heartwarming it is. It’s treated very sincerely and openly. I also really appreciate that it’s not treated as a natural or shameful. It’s one guy with a crush on another guy. That’s very beautiful to me.

      On top of that, I really love that Jule doesn’t give up on Dresden like Dresden tries to give up on himself. He gets to try again. And to top all of THAT off, he doesn’t hit a perfect shot on the target, but he does hit the rim of it. I think that is excellent character building for him later on to improve. I love that he’s not a straight shot right out of the gate. That’s really fantastic. And that is absolutely what I did with my characters in this similar situation.

      I have to admit that there is something very intimate about the story. I really really love it. Great job overall. I absolutely hope to see more from this team in the future. Nothing but praise. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing it.

    2. CUTE. This is adorable. It leans into its tropes in all the best ways and makes for an all-around delightful scene. Nice use of sound effects to get readers guessing what’s happening, and paying off the original THWACK at the end. The whole scene is written very economically, and that enables you to really say a lot in the few words you have. Excellent job, this made my gay little heart very happy cx

  16. Twangyflame0 Avatar
    Twangyflame0

    No Foul Deed Left Unpunished
    By Twangyflame0

    The portly man glared at Valik like an angry pig. His eyes were nearly popping out of his head.

    “Are your men done ransacking my apartment?” Valik said calmly, looking at all the books which had been thrown to the floor.

    “They won’t be done ’til you tell me where that file is!” The man’s jowls quivered as he yelled.

    “I see. So you won’t mind if I report all of this to constables.” Valik took a sip of his tea.

    “Pah!” The man’s whole body seemed to ungulate as he laughed, “You can try. They always side with me.”

    Valik chuckled.

    The fat man furrowed his brows. “What’s so funny?”

    “The constables aren’t the ones who decide what the law means; that is the job of the court.” He took another sip. “And as the injured party, I get to decide which courthouse I want to go to.”

    The man stiffened up as he felt the room get cold. Valik continued to speak. “Who do you think will win, a detective who spends his time studying law and socio-economic issues or a man who has spent his entire life hoarding money only because he can?”

    The man quivered with anger and fear. He leaned forward, talking quietly. “I will bury you. Your firm will be demolished and I will place a new store right on top of it. There will be no second chance for you.”

    “Just like how there was none for Charles Lanker, who lost his arms in one of your factories?”

    He froze.

    Valik kept his face composed. “Or Nathaniel Bauld who had to work overtime in order to pay his rent and died of heat stroke one day? Or your workers in Dor who were shot and beaten for trying to unionize? Or perhaps–”

    “Enough!” The man stood up and waved his bodyguards over. “I’ve heard enough from you. You will rue the day you crossed me!”

    Valik simply smiled as the door was slammed. “I do love these pre-courtroom chats.” He clicked off his tape recorder in his pocket. “So much convincing evidence.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I love how you present arrogance from both sides here, Twang. Valik is more accommodating and lenient in his approach while the other man is more threatening. The exposition in this is also used brilliantly. It has multilayered purposes: it exposes the negligence of the workplaces under the man and his horrible personality to the readers; it forces the man to face his horrific actions, which escalates to his confession; and it gives Valik the moral high ground and evidence to convict. That is some amazing nuance, man.

      As always with Valik, you bring about such good humor. Valik’s complexity deepens with each installment. And it becomes more apparent that his humor is very natural. He’s got a fun, quirky character, and it’s easy to dismiss his detective skills BECAUSE of his mannerisms. But I think that’s part of what makes him an excellent detective. He’s not bumbling, but he’s not completely overly serious, either. It’s like Humphrey Bogart meets Sherlock Holmes, but Valik makes it his own.

      I truly hope that horrible man gets everything he deserves. I am curious as to whether or not that tape recording will be admissable in court. Knowing Valik, however, I’m pretty sure he will find some way to push it through to convict this terrible, awful person. Great job. Thank you for writing and sharing it.

      1. Iceburgh69 Avatar
        Iceburgh69

        It depends on the jurisdiction. I found out that in my state, yes that recording would be admissible so long as at least one party is aware of it. Since Valik is one of the parties involved…

    2. ThatWeirdFish Avatar
      ThatWeirdFish

      I like your use of description here, Twangy. It makes each character feel alive and unique. I also like how natural the dialog feels.

      The only thing I don’t like is that we have too short a time with Valik, the detective. But, alas, word limits be like that. Hopefully, we will get more installments of his adventures in the future.

      Excellent detective story and well done!

    3. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      Ah the old frost-nixion gambit, you either take down the baddie or you are going to have a bad time. A man who’s power is hollow when it comes to the masses versus a man that can out smart those arrogance enough to ignore them.

      Really I’m down to see more of this story just because of the charm and swaveness that Valik has.

  17. IsaDragon Avatar
    IsaDragon

    On Phantom Itching and other Maladies; or, Captain Clanker’s New Shell
    By IsaDragon 337

    Clanker had a headache. He did not care, Razor, that it was both physically and technically incomparable to an organic having a headache. He needed a metaphor about as bad as a new shell and six hours straight of debugging.

    Razor felt something like hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it. Clanker would have snorted, but he was holding very still while the secondary medic– MD-24601, still unnamed — fished his drive out from Razor’s chest cavity.

    “Really, darlin, it’s not that urgent.” Clanker twitched as 24601 bumped something important.

    “Sure, Captain.” The medic scowled up at him. It would have been cute if she hadn’t had her hands wrapped around his- Razor’s- CPU. “I’ll just let you fry in there. Like an egg.”

    Clanker rolled his eyes and looked at the shiny, lifeless shell. The armor pieces hadn’t finished printing yet. It looked… tiny, and exposed. Trooper model, slightly modified to support command functions. The best they had.

    His brothers would give him grief over it if they knew. Well, at least his men weren’t gossips.

    …who was he kidding. Poe probably sensed it.

    “Disconnecting, 3-”

    —-

    EJECTING.

    Time passed. It was hard to tell; a drive was mostly storage, minimal processing. The disconnected thoughts were the closest he imagined he could get to dreaming. His dreams were about sneaky medics who pulled on two instead of one.

    BOOTING. STANDBY.

    Clanker prioritized getting visual and audio first, ignoring the shocked error messages about the state of his memory banks. He rolled one shoulder, then the other. Recalibrated nerve feedback, did it again. Maybe someday he could have time to fine-tune properly, instead of just pouring himself into a shell and hoping he could squeeze everything inside. It itched.

    “You with us, Captain?”

    “Left side’s got about a micron of lag, Raz. And it-”

    “It’s impossible for it to itch. I can see it didn’t affect your head.” Razor huffed. He was applying the finishing grips to replacement armor panels with 24601. “I’ll leave you to calibrate.”

    Razor switched to hand signs, for privacy. “Command call. Declarative. Medical. Three hours. Approximate.”

    “Thank you kindly.” Clanker smiled.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      That double title is very fun, Isa. I love watching old shows that implement that. I really enjoy the auto mechanics in this story. Clanker’s shell is his second chance at a new body in this case. The worry he has about it is very understandable.

      So, are Razor and Clanker sharing the same being? I think that would help explain why Clanker keeps going back and forth between the two names. It might be my lack of understanding. Regardless, I like it very much. There’s almost a duality there that’s ALMOST kind of tangible, if that makes sense.

      Critiques:

      He did not care, Razor, that it was both physically and technically incomparable to an organic having a headache(.) (H)e needed a metaphor about as bad as a new shell and six hours straight of debugging. (Is this being told from Clanker’s perspective? Is that why Razor is mentioned there? I think it would help the sentence flow better if you removed Razor’s name here.)

      It would have been cute if she hadn’t she (omit) had her hands wrapped around his- Razor’s- CPU.

      The armor pieces hadn’t finished printing yet(.) (I)t looked tiny and exposed. Trooper model, sleightly (slightly)modified to support command functions.

      It was hard to tell(;) a drive was mostly storage, minimal processing.

      Please, take these critiques with a grain of salt. They’re nitpicks, really. Didn’t deter my enjoyment at all. I really do like how you gave the characters so much personality, especially considering at least one is a robot. Very well done. Thank you for writing and sharing it.

    2. Twangyflame0 Avatar
      Twangyflame0

      Hmmmmm, this is very interesting. It’s quite obvious that these are machines of some kind and highly advanced ones with emotions to boot. I’m trying to figure out what exactly is the second chance here. I’m also kind of confused as to what exactly is going. I understand that Clanker is being pulled out of his frame for some sort of medical reason, then gets rebooted or something, and then gets put back into the frame. I’m probably just blind as a bat. I did the relationship between Clanker and Razor though. Very well done.

      1. Iceburgh69 Avatar
        Iceburgh69

        It’s a continuation from Functionally Immortal, where Clanker was damaged and had to be ejected and reinstalled into Razor.

    3. ThatWeirdFish Avatar
      ThatWeirdFish

      Who doesn’t love a good robot story? I love the interactions between the three of them. It feels like they have a genuine relationship with each other, even on the bickering side. You display this beautifully through the dialog and Clanker’s reactions.

      I also like how you decided to show the passage of time by using dashes and paragraph breaks. It emphasizes the lull in Clanker’s consciousness well.

      Great story, Isa Dragon! I look forward to reading more from you.

    4. PixieWings Avatar
      PixieWings

      This was a fun read, Isa. Any non-human character trying to find a a concept analogous to what they’re experience is a delight. I think you did a fantastic job
      playing with that concept through robots (or at least robotic bodies?) The dialogue is also very well done. It does a great job establishing personality for the characters. I really enjoy the sass of a medic saying “I’ll just let you fry in there. Like an egg.” xD Def not great bed side manner, but amazing.

      I will say, it is a little bit confusing to try to parse out the different characters here and who’s speaking when. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems like there’s three: Razor the medic, Clanker the Captain, and a third, unnamed medic. It took me a few read throughs to realize there were actually two medics.

      Take my criticism with a grain of salt, especially if I’m not picking up on something specific you were doing, but I don’t know if you need that second medic character. It seems like this piece is mostly about Clanker and his second chance with a new body, and I think the back and forth with either Razor or the unnamed medic would do what you wanted in a more streamlined way.

      Either way, enjoyed this piece a lot. ^^ Wonderful work, Isa!

  18. Lunabear Avatar
    Lunabear

    For the Fate of A Friend
    by Lunabear (CW: Violence and blood)

    Lightning streaks through the heavy clouds. Kari levitates steadily. Tears track down his cheeks as his eyes flash between his blue and onyx. He fights to keep his horned head upright.

    The sword in his hand trembles as it lifts into the air. Another lightning flash. A roar exposes elongated fangs. Fangs aching for blood.

    He doesn’t get a say this time.

    Below, atop the windswept hill, Morana stares up.

    The light of her eyes beats in time with her heart. The color ricochets between crimson and golden.

    Her grip tightens around her consecrated bone whip. Her teeth grit at the pain digging into her palm. She strikes the ground once, twice. The earth trembles from the impact.

    THIS is her purpose.

    This time, she won’t fail.

    This time, she’ll save her friend.

    Above the wind, Morana’s voice nearly breaks. “Kari! I’m here!”

    Kari lowers his head. He swings without hesitation.

    Morana is sent tumbling down the grassy incline. Her whip strikes her in various spots on her body. Her grunts are swallowed by the fierce gale.

    Kari touches down at the same time as Morana shambles to her feet. His voice is distorted and cruel. “Two times is more than sufficient enough to prove what a failure you are.”

    Morana faces him. A sliver of blood glides down the side of her head. “I won’t-”

    Kari captures her around the throat and grins. Fresh tears glisten on his cheeks. Blue fills his eyes before he sinks his fangs deep into her neck. Her screams and crooning whimpers stir his blood.

    Her whip slices across his face. A diagonal line sears into his flesh. He releases her, and she crashes at his feet.

    Kari bellows out his rage and pain. His sword thunks to the ground as he clutches his face with both hands.

    Morana’s heart hammers against her ribs. She sits and wraps the whip around his ankle, but Kari kicks her off. She lurches into a shaky stand and grips her bloodied neck.

    She lopes away at a janky run.

    Kari retrieves his sword and launches it.

    1. ThatWeirdFish Avatar
      ThatWeirdFish

      Excelent and tragic story Luna! I love the dark horror aspect of losing control over what you are. (Maybe it’s a reaction to my own experiences with delusional thought, who knows?) The eyes changing color sells the personality change really well. I also like the detail of the tears falling down Kari’s face as he chokes his friend. It signals the internal battle between him and whatever-whoever is controlling him that we cannot see.

      I hope Morana makes it alright and finds a way to save Kari from his fate. The bone whip is an intriguing weapon choice. Makes me wonder what kind of bones were used and why. Ah, that’s just the worldbuilder in me talking.

      Anyroad, again, well done as always, Luna! I look forward to reading more from you.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so very much for the review, Weird. I’m so very happy that you picked up on the struggle of Kari as well as appreciating the darker aspect of him not being able to control his actions.

        I’m so very happy that the changing of the eye colors wasn’t overdone.

        I too hope that Morana comes out of this okay. I didn’t have much time to think about the bones of the bone whip, but I do believe that the whip is made from spines and rib cages. Of what creature, I’m not yet sure.

        Again, thank you so very much for the review. I do hope to write more in this storyline. I’m so very happy that you enjoyed it.

    2. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      Tagback!

      This is a viscerally wrenching piece. Your prose is more fragmented than usual and it works so very well! I love the details of eyes oscillating in colors, the sheer pain they both feel in their roles, the pain they cause each other.

      The names seem familiar. Which stories have we seen these two in before?

      “She lopes away at a janky run.” This line threw out of the moment. I’m not sure why, maybe the redundancy of the verbs?

      Fantastic job, Luna!

    3. Maybe a review here is redundant after my read-through earlier, but I don’t care! I like this story a whole lot. You combine present tense with brief glimpses of what’s going on, both in the world and emotionally. It simulates that lightning illuminating things for just a second, and that makes this cohesive in a really cool way. Definitely a “greater than the sum of its parts” thing. I don’t know if this technique would work as well in a longer form, but man I’d love to see someone try.

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