Writing Group: Monster in the Mirror

Hello, Spirits and Otherselves!

Have you ever felt like something’s watching you? Especially around mirrors? Have you seen movements in the reflections that you just can’t explain, that your brain just seems to fail to process? As risky as it may be, I think it’s time to take a closer look, because…

This week’s Writing Group prompt is:

Monster in the Mirror

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

There’s so many different stories and myths and beliefs surrounding mirrors and reflections. Which gives us many ways to twist and bend this lovely prompt.

One way to take this prompt is a rather classic route. We’ve all heard of Bloody Mary, haven’t we? Perhaps you choose to write about the time you actually tried the trick yourself. Did it work? Did you, like myself, say it twice and then chicken out? Maybe you choose to write from Mary’s perspective. Is she really bloodthirsty, or does she just get a bad rap? What does she do inside the mirror while she waits for someone to be brave enough to summon her? Or perhaps you choose to write about some ghosts that haunt your home. After all, the mirror seems to be a very popular place to see them. Always looming in the background, just over your shoulder or passing through the background.

You could also write about someone who sees only the worst in themselves, who absolutely hates facing themselves in the mirror because they see just someone they hate. Maybe you write about them coming to terms with something about themselves. What part do they finally accept? Do they work through something that’s been weighing them down? Maybe the monster they see in the mirror isn’t themselves at all, but the reflection, taunting them and telling them the worst things about themselves. Maybe this reflection even wants to take their place in the real world. Or maybe this mirror is no real mirror at all, but an Ungaikyo, a particular Japanese yokai in the form of a possessed mirror that can warp and twist the reflections to show what it prefers to show. Oftentimes, when a human looks into it, it shows the human a monstrous, transformed version of themselves.

Mirrors are all around us. They don’t always have to be in pretty frames or on bathroom or bedroom walls, either. Anything reflective can act as a mirror. Windows, bodies of water, shiny metal objects like doorknobs or faucet taps. When you really think about it… your reflection is a hard thing to escape.

So steel your nerves and look back into yourself. 

What do you see?

—Shawna

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

Tune into the stream this Saturday at 3:00pm CST to see if you made the cut!

The whole purpose of this is to show off the creativity of the community, while also helping each other to become better writers. Lean into that spirit! Get ready not just to share what you’ve got, but to give back to the other writers here as well.

Rules and Guidelines

We read at least four stories during each stream, two of which come from the public post, and two of which come from the much smaller private post. Submissions are randomly selected by a bot, but likes on your post will improve your chances of selection, so be sure to share your submission on social media!

  1. Text and Formatting

    1. English only.
    2. Prose only, no poetry or lyrics.
    3. Use proper spelling, grammar, and syntax.
    4. Your piece must be between 250-350 words (you can use this website to see your wordcount).
    5. Use two paragraph breaks between each paragraph so that they have a proper space between them (press “enter” or “return” twice).
    6. Include a submission title and an author name (doesn’t have to be your real name). Do not include any additional symbols or flourishes in this part of your submission. Format them exactly as you see in this example, or your submission may not be eligible: Example Submission.
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  2. What to Submit

    1. Keep submissions “safe-for-work”; be sparing with sexuality, violence, and profanity.
    2. Try to focus on making your submission a single meaningful moment rather than an entire story.
    3. Write something brand new; no re-submitting past entries or pieces written for other purposes
    4. No fan fiction whatsoever. Take inspiration from whatever you’d like, but be transformative and creative with it. By submitting, you also agree that your piece does not infringe on any existing copyrights or trademarks, and you have full license to use it.
    5. Submissions must be self-contained (everything essential to understanding the piece is contained within the context of the piece itself—no mandatory reading outside the piece required. e.g., if you want to write two different pieces in the same setting or larger narrative, you cannot rely on information from one piece to fill in for the other—they must both give that context independently).
  3. Submission Rules

    1. One submission per participant.
    2. Submit your entry in a comment on this post.
    3. Submissions close at 12:00pm CST each Friday.
    4. You must like and leave a review on two other submissions to be eligible. Your reviews must be at least 50 words long, and must be left directly on the submission you are reviewing, not on another comment. If you’re submitting to the private post, feel free to leave these reviews on either the private or the public post. The two submissions you like need not be the same as the submissions you review.
    5. Be constructive and uplifting. These submissions are not for a professional market, and shouldn’t be treated as such. We do this, first and foremost, for the joy of the craft. Help other writers to feel like their work is valuable, and be considerate and gentle with critique when you offer it. Authors who leave particularly abrasive or disheartening remarks on this post will be disqualified from selection for readings.
    6. Use the same e-mail for your posts, reviews, and likes, or you may be rendered ineligible (you may change your username or author name between posts without problem, however).
    7. You may submit to either or both the public/private groups if you have access, but if you decide to submit to both, only the private group submission will be eligible.
    8. Understand that by submitting here, you are giving us permission to read your submission aloud live on stream and upload public, archived recordings of said stream to our social media platforms. You will always be credited, but only by the author name you supply as per these rules. No other links or attributions are guaranteed.

Comments on this post that aren’t submissions will be deleted, except for replies/reviews left on existing submissions.


Comments

94 responses to “Writing Group: Monster in the Mirror”

  1. Writer: Whistle
    “A planet for desert” A submission for the “Monster in the mirror”

    Standing upon the cold hard deck of the bridge a gentleman of a strong physical build resides, thick brown hair, powerful chest wrapped in a tight pristine uniform of a fleet Baron.

    He turns with a flourish, coat tails lifting with the energy of a man passionate about his work, a smile dressing his face and eyes locking onto the young officer stationed to his back.
    “Status!?” He barks

    The young man squirms, his eyes flickering from between his console and the baran, his collar chafing at his neck.
    “In position lord, no contacts.”

    “Goooood…” The baran murmurs.

    “Shall we… inform them…sir?”

    “Do you inform an enemy that you intend to shoot them if it’s your job to kill them?”

    “N-no m’lord, but the entire planet… this is…”

    “Once in a life time my boy, keep an eye on the scope and report.”

    With a flck of a wrist the Barons right hand hovers over the console ahead as if deciding on which of the plattered hors d’oeuvre to choose.

    He depressed the key, this dish would do and he would savour the taste for months to come.

    The silence was palpable, the young officers heart surely loud enough to alert the Baron to his discomfort, but lost in the hum of a classical tune upon the lips of the man executing the planet.
    That little desert planet that meant nothing to anybody until 24 hours ago.

    “Bombardment commencing…

    Surface temperature rising…

    1000 degrees

    1500

    1742 and stable…”

    The view of the planet began to slip away as the ship broke it’s orbital run.

    “Fleet reports all orbital facilities destroyed, all plantary cities have been pacified…”

    The baron ran his tongue over his teeth, the new sensation of unique beauty savoured, a planets death, this will go down a treat at the next feast.

    As the last of the planets scorched and burning surface slipped away, the view port went decisively black like a mirror, the young officers eyes locked to the gleeful expression of the baron reflected in that flash of darkness before the screen polarized against the night.

  2. Who I Truly Am – By Spec

    -It’s been a while since the last time I looked at my reflection, however, I’m not surprised by what I’m seeing. A hideous being, with a sloppy face. Yellowish teeth. Dark and soulless eyes. The sole responsible for all the disgraces that fell upon those around me. That monster… is me, and I can’t change that. This is who I am.

    -I say this every time I see myself. I need to remember my true self, there’s no denying that. I am a monster after all. Why should I change?

    -Every morning has been the same for a while. I just stay here, inside. At least I can work from home, my boss was nice enough to allow me to stay this way, even though the restrictions were lifted. But, it’s better for her this way, she doesn’t need to see my face again.

    -I enjoy my solitude, no need to go out. I don’t need anyone. They’re better off me, however, they keep calling. I don’t know why, I-I can’t understand, maybe they just feel obligated to check on me… that has to be it, nobody with a brain will like to be with me. But, can I say the same about myself…

    -Yesterday I bought a console, I believe it can help me to distract myself from those thoughts. I don’t need to care about how I spend my time. As long as I can work and do something useful, there shouldn’t be a problem. Now I can play video games all day, and… I just ordered co-op games with it. Whatever, I’ll just return them to the store and buy something else.

    -Recently, the calls have stopped… Maybe they finally gave up… And, I should be happy, the monster was finally sealed. Deeply forgotten by everyone. This is what I wanted. This is the destiny of the villain, to be forever alone. Trapped in his castle. The calamity was contained, and I accepted this outcome. After all, this is who I truly am… Isn’t that right?

  3. The Reflection
    By Wingman

    It had been decades. Everything appeared so much different than I remembered… but how could it look the same when I’d not seen it in so long. I thought that trading my sight for power would never be reversible but… here was the light of day. Blindingly bright.

    The spell worked! My sight had been stolen when I wished for power all those years ago and I never imagined this would bring it back. A basic healing spell of all things!

    I spin around to my casting pool and freeze.

    “No. No no no…” It can’t be. This can’t be me. I didn’t look like this in my youth! I close my eyes and touch my features, mapping them with my touch. They feel the same as I remembered. Could my memory of them have been changed so much over this time? No, there’s no chance. My skin still feels soft, my eyes and nose placed well. My lips supple and smooth.

    I fall back in horror as I open my eyes to peer back into the water. This hideous thing cannot be me. I scramble for more reflective surfaces. No mirrors, a glass teapot is too transparent to see. The silver! I scramble to the cutlery drawer and peer at the side of a tarnished knife.

    The horror persists. My skin – black. My hair is silvered and my eyes bloodshot with neon yellow iris. My hand grips the knife tightly and I notice my nails. Chalky and dark. A rind underneath them shows the red-brown of dried blood.

  4. In Each Other’s Eyes (Chronicles of The Dragon)
    By Makokam (and Lunabear)

    Whenever Jonathan Rose and Katarin crossed paths, there was always a moment of quiet as they took the other in.

    Each was a broken mirror of the other. But one that reflected all too well.

    Male and Female.

    Father and Daughter.

    The differences were striking. As were the similarities.

    He could see her Mother in her every time he looked at her. He could see himself in her as well. Far more than he wanted to.

    His face haunted every mirror she looked at, hiding just behind her own reflection. A demon she could never escape.

    When he looked at her, it was with sadness and resolve.

    When she looked at him, it was with anger and determination.

    But beneath that, there was regret for what could have been. The lives they could have lived.

    Loss haunted them both.

    A desire for what they could no longer have drove them.

    A love taken too soon.

    A home they couldn’t return to.

    A family shattered, though still drawn together.

    Each had made choices they regretted, choices they wished they hadn’t had to make.

    They supposed this was their common ground, where they were always destined to stand.

    Each had times where they had no choice at all.

    They’d made promises.

    To save.

    To burn.

    Each determined to keep them, even if it drove them to their death.

    Every time they met, they had so many questions.

    Coming back together again and again. Falling apart without reconciliation or healing. 

    Violence was always the only answer. They were true reflections, after all.

    1. Personally I really like this one. You can definitely feel the prompt throughout the entire piece. And I think what I like the most is that as it goes on, it becomes less clear what part pertains to which person and that just makes the story more like the blended, broken mirror that their relationship is betrayed as. You get the complicated nature of their back and forth across really well, which makes the ending both sad and completely understandable at the same time. Well done!

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      A very forlorn piece, Mako. It’s a type of tragic that permeates: one that is prevalent and inescapable.

      I love the depths in which the prompt is explored here. My most favorite is how they’re both broken yet alike because of their brokenness. This sinks into a despair and aching that very few dare to dive into. It’s bitter and harsh and authentic.

      Even though I helped, you made this story your own, and I came away from it with a sense of retrospection and sadness. A wonderful thi piece, made all the more memorable because of its bitterness. I’m incredibly glad you wrote this. I can’t wait to see what you post next. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this.

    3. Bitter. Alike in stubbornness. I’d like to learn more about Katarin.

  5. The Missing Link Avatar
    The Missing Link

    The Phantom Monster

    By The Missing Link

    I washed my face after a long day, brushed my teeth too for good measure. I’d looked all over for this so-called monster the lady earlier was screaming about. The face in the mirror smiled back despite not finding my quarry. Suppose they don’t make monsters like they used to.

    It’s always hard being a working man. You try and try, but people are never thankful. You expect some praise or recognition, but they just give you stares and indifference, sometimes even contempt and anger. That’s hardly fair for a man’s efforts, but I suppose people will be people after all.

    I got up the next morning and went out for another grueling day, stepping over the damned lump in the carpet that would never come out.

    The city was a wonderful place for scouting, lots of young people, full of potential. Makes a man jealous every once in a while, but that’s life I suppose. It took a while, some yelling, even a slap at one point, but I found my new hire. She had a wit to her, but that didn’t hide the brilliant mind behind her hazel eyes.

    It was getting late by the time we got back to the office, but a good hire is worth working late on occasion.

    “Odd place to run a business from.”

    “Well self-employment does tend to work that way, mam. Oh, mind the lump in the carpet by the way, damned thing won’t smooth out.”

    She gave a slight nod as I went into the other room. Ah this was a nice one, one of my favorites. Blood, sweat and tears. These were what they all said you get successful off of. Never worked yet, but I still try. They taste awful, but I still continue my business. Another day done, another phantom monster, and still the same unsuccessful face staring back in the mirror.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      The title of this evokes such shivers, Missing. I love when stories are delightfully morbid and from the threat’s perspective.

      Forgive my ignorance, but is he some kind of demon trying to hide among humans while also feasting on them? I do enjoy the casual acceptance with how he goes about his “work”, though. Him checking the mirror each time to see if his reflection has changed only to be disappointed does leave a bit of a bitter note.

      You had fun with this. That’s wonderful. And you write quite well. I look forward to see what you post next. Thank you for writing and sharing this.

  6. Connor A. Avatar
    Connor A.

    Moment Alone (Helsing: Vampire)
    By Connor A.

    Helsing leaned on the counter and took a moment to let the dizzy feeling pass. When was the last time he fed himself? With the current vampire situation and his own job at the university, it was hard to say for certain.

    When he opened his eyes, he saw his reflection staring back up at him. On one hand, he was glad that he could actually see his reflection these days. On the other, seeing how his fangs twisted his face into something inhuman was never a welcome sight.

    Was this what his son saw that night?

    He closed his eyes once more in a desperate attempt to discard the thought. But the image was still there.

    A dark, quiet room. The faint light from his candle serving as the only source of light as he peered in.

    Her. Covered in blood.

    That image slowly shifting between different victims from his own failures over the years.

    Helsing held his head in his hands. It would be impossible to get back to work like this. But there was still so much to do. The briefing of the week with Moretti, the grades for several different assignments, looking into a lead regarding vampires appearing from the harbor, the damned hunger gnawing at his gut—

    The sound of his phone snapped him back to the present. He read the caller ID before picking up and saying, “Hello?”

    “Hey professor,” Quinn’s voice answered, “just calling to let you know Mr. Moretti and I are coming over.”

    Helsing found himself raising his eyebrows. “Both of you?”

    He heard nervous laughter. “We… We figured you hadn’t had anything to… eat yet, so…”

    Luca’s voice cut in, “Both of you owe me for this.”

    Helsing hoped the shakiness in his chuckle did not go through. “We can discuss the terms of repayment when you two arrive.”

    He hung up just before he could catch what Luca tried to say. Mental exhaustion and hunger still hung over him, but for now that weight was just a bit lighter than it was before.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I love the reflective angst, here, Connor. If Helsing is doing all of these things and ignoring his hunger, then the guy has too much on his plate and not enough in his stomach. Very straightforward and a wonderful character self analysis. I can’t wait to see what you post next. Thank you for writing and sharing this one.

  7. Lantis Armstrong Avatar
    Lantis Armstrong

    Easy Money
    By Lantis Armstrong

    Nobody had reacted to the man in a long coat, dark mask and sunglasses as he walked into the bank, not during Covid. Everybody came into the bank fully masked up these days.

    The man received attention when he stepped over the velvet rope and walked straight up to the teller, a teller who was quick to smirk and point out the please wait to be called sign way in the back of the line. The man pulled out a round shimmering silver object and flipped it open – it was a compact mirror. He glanced into it, and then drew a gun from within his coat pocket.

    “Go to the vault, bring me the suitcase on the left. The black one,” the man spoke calmly to the teller, watching the mirror the entire time. “Stop,” he said before the teller began to walk, “don’t go towards the alarm button, go the long way around the counter.”

    The teller stared at the masked banked robber for a brief moment, mouthing the word, “how?” Walking stiffly, the teller went around the long way to the vault.

    Murmurs from the people he’d cut in line rippled behind him. Nobody had seen his gun yet besides the teller. The robber watched a scene unfold in his mirror as clearly as a video on his phone would appear of him opening the suitcase and ink bombs exploding onto his face.

    Grimacing, he looked up at the teller returning with the black suitcase.

    “No, go get the silver suitcase then. No ink bombs this time.”

    The image of police drawing on him as he left the bank appeared in the mirror. This would happen soon. Hairs rose on the back of his neck as he looked up and noticed the teller had walked the short way around to the vault on his return trip.

    Screaming obscenities, startling everyone around him at the sudden outburst of rage and energy, he spiked the mirror onto the ground before making a mad sprint towards the exit as his heart raced in his chest.

    1. Love your take on the prompt. What is a monster to one is the hero to others. The way you implied the mirror predicted the robber’s future with the circumstances in the beginning does make it easier to read. It really flows with the rest of the story quite nicely.

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is a pretty straightforward take on the prompt, Lantis. I really like how it flows. The use of the mirror to look into the future is really excellent.

      One of my favorite things about this is that even though the robber can see the results of the actions, he can’t see the steps taken that lead to those results. It makes for a wonderful storytelling and reading experience. It’s really awesome that you left bits and pieces of the future out. He doesn’t have all the answers despite knowing what’s coming.

      Critique:

      The teller stared at the masked banked (bank) robber for a brief moment

      A really fun story. I hope to see more of this kind of stuff from you in the future. You do very well with it. I can’t wait to see what you post next. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this one.

    3. Lol this story made me a bit antsy at first because I work at a job where this kinda thing could actually happen but it was such a fun ride. Even more so once I realized the nature of the mirror. It’s one of those things that makes you want to reread the story, which is always a good thing.

      I personally love that the glimpses into the future saved him initially but he had to focus so much on it that he wasn’t paying attention to what was going on in the present. Great take on the prompt! Really loved this one!

  8. Occultic;Z Avatar
    Occultic;Z

    A Letter to Beatrice
    by Occultic;Z

    My dear, Beatrice. The time has finally fallen upon us. I sit here at my desk, in the musky atmosphere of my study. I have found no desire to leave it in the past few days. I am fearful. Fearful that any last-minute misfortune may befall me. But it seems that there is nought to worry about.

    I sit here at my desk, in the dim candlelight. Its flames flicker in the reflection of that demonic object. Or at least what remains of it. But the candle also brings me hope. It illuminates the hands of my clock. A minute to go.

    I sit here at my desk, looking into the shards that remain in that object’s frame. They reflect a fragmented version of myself. The pieces that are missing remind me of our son. They remind me of you. They remind me of all that we have lost in the last seven years due to that… that spectre.

    I sit here at my desk, remembering the events of that day. How we scoffed at the superstitious, who claimed we had freed her from an icy prison. We laughed and laughed until the first sounds of her piercing shriek were heard. I feel her in the room with me now. She never left.

    I sit at my desk, anxious that she will make her move. I see shadows dance across the room. Are they the wind? Is my candle playing tricks on me? They’re closing in on me. No. I hear it again.

    I sit at my desk, my free hand clutched to my ear. She’s calling to me. She’s calling your name to me. Oh, my Beatrice, I wish it would end.

    I sit at my desk, and I feel her clawing up my leg from the shadows. I struggle to write much more because of the tears that well in my eyes. I do not have much time.

    Time.

    The clock.

    The clock’s hands move. I feel as if they are at a slowed pace. Please see an end to her seven-year curse for me.

    3.

    2.

    1.

    1. Lantis Armstrong Avatar
      Lantis Armstrong

      Oh, I love this story, it was such a delightful read! It was the name Beatrice that caught my attention in the title, a name I’m fond of as it invokes certain imagery in my mind of old timey ways, and everything from the candle lit inking of the letter to someone that still uses clocks with hands on them painted the exact portrait I was hoping for. It also has the feel of an old Civil War letter to it, which I’m always fond of.

    2. You present this piece thoughtfully. I appreciate the opportunity to learn about the character’s other misfortunes.

      The clock keeps up the suspense. The slowed timing of the clock really adds to that. I would like to learn of this character’s previous misfortunes. Great piece.

    3. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I love the repetitive use of “I sit here at my desk”. It feels like he’s grounding himself but also giving himself something to focus on while time passes. Kind of like existing in a middle space where he’s metaphorically in and out of time.

      Are they the wind? (Classic line of any horror tale to blame the wind)

      I feel this is also frightening because I think he ever got to send the letter to her. I am also assuming that the payment for freeing this creature was their child. I have so many questions, and I LOVE when a story leaves with fascinating ponderings instead of confliction and confusion.

      The demonic object is the obvious use of the prompt. However, in his letter to Beatrice, he is also reflective of the past and this curse that has plagued him for the last seven years.

      The atmosphere here is fraught with dread and malevolence, Occultic. It oozes from the walls and drenches the air in its putrid odor. Beautifully macabre and desolately hopeless. Bravo. I’m ecstatic to see what you post next. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this.

  9. Lee Strangely Avatar
    Lee Strangely

    Eisoptrophobia
    by Lee Strangely

    It was cold. Very cold.

    The dark fur coat only kept him so warm as he dragged the glass pane through the snow. Every minute out here only served to drain away more of his strength. He wanted to move faster, but most of his energy was used to dig through the frozen ground. His legs slowly transitioned from bones to jelly, and his hands ached in their gloves. It was quite possibly the worst time of the year, but it couldn’t wait.

    He couldn’t wait for a thaw.

    He had to do it now.

    “Clayre,” the voice from the mirror muttered, “Clayre you’ll die out here before you get rid of me.”

    He dropped the mirror into the open hole. Six feet deep, with a rectangular shape to match the mirror’s frame… It took very long time to make.

    “What you did worked,” his reflection stated from the other side of the glass, “undoing it isn’t an option.”

    Clayre remained silent as he shoveled icy dirt into the hole. He had a look of determination, which intermittently turned to untamed fear when he caught glimpses of his reflection in the hole. At this point the only things that seemed to hold him together was ice and sheer will to finish his job.

    “What will you do when you look somewhere else?” the reflection asked, “Will you cover every surface? Break every glass? Or will you simply blind yourself?”

    Clayre avoided looking at it as much as he could. He tried as hard as he could to ignore the words, giving little to no reaction to them.

    “Can you bear to never see your reflection again? To never be able to gaze into the crystal clear waters? To never be able to see what lies outside the window?”

    The mirror was soon completely buried.

    But as soon as it stopped the voice came again: now from the icy shovel, “To never look into the eyes of your love again?”

    Clayre for one moment stood still, shedding a tear before finally driving the shovel into the ground with his remaining might.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      So dramatic and tension-filled and wonderfully morose, Lee. I am intensely curious as if this was a Faustian deal or not. I honestly do not blame Clayre. I would be terribly fearful of my own reflection as well if it were like this. Honestly, this piece oozes desperation as he tries his very hardest to get rid of this ‘demon’, so to speak.

      His legs slowly transitioned from bones to jelly (the imagery in the sentence is so amazing!)

      One of my favorite things about this story is how the reflection ponders. It asks him how he will be able to look at other reflective surfaces without seeing the reflection. That is honestly brilliant, and I am incredibly glad that you made the reflection sentient. I also really appreciate you saying that there isn’t another option because the deal has already gone through. I know that some people like to play with ambiguity, but I think that was a great decision.

      I sincerely feel so terrible for this man. For him to dig a 6-ft grave, deep AND wide, only for the reflection to pop up on the shovel once the digging is done is fantastically cruel. I love the punctuation of the shovel. It does not only in the story, but it also shows how futile Clayre’s work is/will be in attempting to rid himself of this horrible malady.

      Critique:

      “Can you bare (bear unless you MEANT naked) to never see your reflection again?

      There is so much drudgery here. It’s somber and maligned. Very excellently written, as well. Hopeless situations such as these are some of my favorite because of the amount of creativity that can be put into describing the hopelessness. I am so excited to see what you post next. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this.

      1. Lee Strangely Avatar
        Lee Strangely

        Thank you so much for your critique! Thanks for pointing out the bear/bare issue (I wrote this rather late in the night, so a mistake was bound to happen). I’m happy to hear you liked it. I started posting on this site because I: one, thought it would be a good way to practice my writing and storytelling skills; and two, hoped to get feedback like this from other writers (there’s not really that many people in my life that I can look to for this kind of thing).

        1. Lunabear Avatar
          Lunabear

          You are most welcome. No worries about that. It happens to all writers, I’m sure. This is indeed a wonderful way to practice and strengthen skills. I’m very glad you feel comfortable enough posting your stories, as the ones I’ve read are quite good.

          HUGS to you. If you’d like, and haven’t already done so, you’re more than welcome to join the Tale Foundry Discord server. It’s a wonderful, engaging community with supportive, love individuals. We’d love to have you.

  10. My Paranoid Sleep

    By Hastaw

    The waking hours are dark for me. I stay in my bed, because I feel something creeping; it disappears.

    I’m able to walk around my home. I traipse through the jungle that is my room. Never know what type of creatures will pop out at you.

    I walk to the bathroom, with a sting of fear. I pass my doctor’s office, it grows stronger.

    A melody buzzed in my ear. Barely a hum, but I can still feel it’s ominous thrum. More like a subtle vibration.

    I pass by the park…that’s supposed to be the bathroom. I close it, the sting grows stronger. I open it, greeted by my mother and father. Obviously, not where I wanna be, so again. Close. I feel the sting of an orchestra, can’t even feel myself anymore.

    I open it, just the bathroom. Thank goodness. I brush my teeth, watching my reflection. I spit, then I look up.

    My reflection didn’t follow me.

    I ran, the sting of fear now hammering against my ears. Now my chest. Now my head.

    All black, red eyes, never seen me look so horrid and sad. Another one came out, then another. They charge at me, then I fade to black.

    I wake up, relieved.

    I step onto the good old carpet that I know and love, then head to the bathroom.

    I brush my teeth.

    I get dressed.

    I touch the mirror, shivering.

    It cries,

    “Come baaaaaack!”

    “Why do you hate me?!”

    1. Lee Strangely Avatar
      Lee Strangely

      Wow that was creepy. You did a fantastic job putting together this nightmare. You did an especially good job pacing and writing the lag of the reflection and the fear felt by its occurrence. This reminds me of a full short story I wrote not too long ago, though mine was more like a creepy episode of Doctor Who than the sort of horror movie this is.

      1. Thanks. This was stitched together by some of my own dreams and nightmares.

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I love the way in which you’ve maneuvered this story, Hastaw. I love how there are rhymes and then aren’t. It’s a clashing of calamity and calm, fiction and reality. It’s wonderfully tangled, like a spider’s prey in its web.

      You’ve constructed an abysmal dreamscape, and it feels very much like the main character is a puppet with an unseen puppeteer. It’s like a symphony.

      Him closing and opening the door to try to shake loose some semblance of sanity feels very much like OCD to me. I’m not sure if that’s intentional, but I love it.

      Then you hit with the twist at the end of who was the reflection all along. Brilliant! Five stars, man.

      My reflection didn’t follow me. (This is such an ominous line. It’s unnatural. I love it.)

      Critique:

      Barely a hum, but I can still feel it’s
      (its) ominous thrum.

      I love the melding of illusion types in this piece. It makes sense because of dream logic and even more sense because of paranoia dream logic. I cannot wait to see what’s in store next. Please keep it up. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this.

  11. Tamela Redfin Avatar
    Tamela Redfin

    Looking at the Heart

    By Tamela Redfin

    It was now dawn and Cecilia leaned over on me, asleep with my lab coat draped on her shoulders. I stopped the car and looked back to see Sapphira curled up and…

    “Gah! How long have you been awake, Mica?”

    “Eh, I just woke up.” He stretched but then frowned. “Please don’t be mean to Sapphira.”

    “Why do you say that?” I asked.

    “I wasn’t the nicest to her myself. She had this tiny lisp, and… I used to call her Slagpphira.”

    “I can’t say I’ve been too nice to Cecilia.” I shook my head. “Sometimes you hurt people you love.”

    “Ew, I don’t love her! She’s nice, but… we’re not dating.” He insisted. “She wouldn’t like me anyway.”

    “What makes you say that?”

    He hung his head. “I’m a jerkwad from way back. She beats up bullies who made fun of my heritage- people think I’m part human because of my short nails- and what do I do in return? Mock her. Call her names.”

    “Yeah, and I cut off Cecilia’s arm.” I replied, shuttering. “There was also that one time I… yeah.”

    Mica looked at me. “Cecilia talks nicely about you, at least. Sapphira just knows I’m a jerk.”
    I tilted my head. “How old are you, Mica?”

    “Twelve.” He answered.

    “Is your heart beating?”

    He placed a hand to his chest and nodded.

    “Then you have time to redeem yourself, Mica. As long as you’re alive, you can be a better person; especially to Sapphira.”

    He smiled happily and looked at the sleeping Sapphira.

    If only I had myself to speak to myself about that, I thought.

    1. The way you implied that they weren’t human indirectly made the character seem interesting, especially the added details about his culture and family. I also appreciate the figurative mirror he’s looking into. Nice metaphorical prop. The “If only I had myself to speak to about that” line refers to the prompt smoothly, creating a sort of imaginary mirror in the reader’s mind. Awesome piece.

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is a very nice heart to heart, Tamela. It felt very authentic and natural. Cameron is reflecting on his own past while talking to Mica, who is doing the same. Very good subversion of the prompt as others tend see the worst, the monstrous sides, of others. Very nicely done. Can’t wait for what you post next. Thank you for writing and sharing.

  12. Lunabear Avatar
    Lunabear

    Goodnight
    by Lunabear (CW/TW: Implied child abuse)

    “Any monsters?”

    The little boy shivers beneath his blanket while gripping his butterfly plushie. He watches his mother closely as she peers into the closet and peeks under his bed.

    “No monsters in sight,” she assures him. Plugging in his night light, she tucks him in properly, kissing his forehead as he yawns loudly.

    “Good night, my sweet pea. I love you,” she whispers while nuzzling his hair with her nose. Her fingers reflexively graze the thin, horizontal burn embedded in the back of his neck. In the dim lighting, her eyes zero in on the bandage wrapped around his left ring finger. She swallows her guilt and anger.

    “Good night, Mama. I love you, too.” The boy snuggles with his stuffed penguin and rests his head against his pillow. His small, light snores are soon heard.

    The mother heads to the bedroom door with a warm smile. Across from her, the mirror on the closet door displays her reflection thanks to the hall light. The shadow shrinks from the bright exposure.

    She puts her fingers to her lips. “Not a peep,” she threatens sternly.

    “Let me out,” the silhouette begs, its shadowy hands pressed against the glass. Its voice is wispy and mimics the sound of cracking ice. “I promise not to hurt him again.”

    “You’ll never have another chance.”

    A pained smile carves itself into her lips at her boy’s resting form. She quietly closes the door.

    ––––

    The little boy stirs fitfully, whimpering in his sleep.

    “No! I’m sorry!” The boy clutches his penguin tighter, tears falling from behind his clenched eyelids.

    A soothing rendition of a lullaby fills the darkened room. Soft humming soon follows.

    The boy awakens gently, rubbing sleep and tears from his vision. Sitting, he looks around.

    “Mommy?”

    “Please help.”

    He slides out of bed and reaches for a nearby lamp.

    “Don’t! The light hurts!”

    He moves towards the mirror, placing a hand against the cool surface.

    The silhouette copies him.

    “Are you stuck?”

    “Yes. But maybe…you can…release me?”

    “How?”

    A crescent opens within its darkness.

    “Do you have a hammer?”

    1. Already gave you feedback in DMs, but might as well repeat it here: I dig this one a bunch!

      The imagery is very clear and I like how the emotions come off, and there’s enough mystery/room for interpretation here to keep the readers going, which is something I adore in fiction.

      Good job!

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        I thank you for all of your feedback! I’m so happy that you enjoyed the story! Thank you!

    2. Continuity note: The kid initally had a butterfly plush, but it’s a penguin later on.

      The menacing shadow thing has hurt the kid before. Do they not remember?

      I also gain the feeling that trapping it in a mirror was a temporary measure until the mother finds a different way to contain/destroy/evict it. Lots of light seems to be one angle, but I doubt it’s 100% effective or Mama would have trounced that thing already.

      Also, on a Feels You Made note: GET AWAY FROM THAT BABY!

      1. I feel like I’ve failed my beta reader job by not noticing the plushie changing. Whoops.

      2. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        The butterfly plushie is there to indicate that he has different ones.

        The mother remembers; the little boy does not. Also know this: it’s closer to the family than at surface level.

        It’s definitely temporary. However, it can’t exactly leave. I’ll keep it at that for now. 😉

        Thank you so much for your review and your want to protect this sweet, precious baby.

    3. Tamela Redfin Avatar
      Tamela Redfin

      Wow, lots to unpack. So is that her evil side that hurts the child? I do like the duality of a love mom and her hate filled shadow. It’s good.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Not evil, darker. But essentially yes. Thank you.

    4. This is so fun! I love how its has this underlying sense of horror within it! The idea of it being a child is very creepy in a good way. I also love your description in this! Things like ‘a crescent opens within its darkness’ is an amazingly subtle detail into the maleficent nature of this… thing. Super cool stuff, I’ll be looking out for future reads!

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so very much. I’m very glad you enjoyed this. I meant a shrinking away from the light, but the idea of the light making it smaller does indeed work better. Thank you for that.

        I like that description, too. I’m very proud of it.

        I look forward to writing more.

    5. That is… haunting. The creature in the mirror, the mother scared for her child, the looming threat of the horrible… entity hanging over them. It’s all so well done. It really makes me fear for the both of them. The mirror scene makes me think that this entity is a part of the mother or was, at one point. Something she had to banish to save her child.

      The end just left me on tenterhooks. It’s almost like the boy takes the mother’s place, if he does smash the mirror. A kind of vicious cycle, perpetuated by this creature. It’s so dark and I genuinely feel for both of them. Just… don’t smash the mirror! (But he’s going to, isn’t he…)

      Amazing story!

    6. Occultic;Z Avatar
      Occultic;Z

      Not sure what it is recently that’s drawn me to stories with darker themes like this. (been watching Your Lie in April recently)

      This story is very vivid with a constant uncertain and uncomfortable feeling. The way you have spoken about what sits in the mirror is amazingly done with how open it can be interpreted.
      The ending is something I didn’t see coming and makes me intrigued. How might its freeing differ from its original reign of terror? You’ve built up a sinister threat without showing what it actually does and I love the suspense of that.

      A very hooking story, Luna!

    7. This story is absolutely amazing! You have such a slow burn horror feel to it all. It starts out pretty wholesome and then just gradually gets this creepy undertone. And then you get to the shadow in the mirror, which I originally thought was a dark persona of the mother which might or might not be supernatural in nature.

      But once it starts talking to the boy, I’m going to assume it’s an actual creature that she imprisoned in the mirror, especially if all it takes to free it is a hammer.

      Unless this is SUPER dark and the shadow is metaphorical, which would indicate that the boy has been abused to the extent that he has his own “shadow” which would imply he’s doing something significantly more sinister with that hammer than breaking a mirror. But I’m going to assume it IS supernatural and there’s an actual creature lol. Either way, great job with this one!

    8. Connor A. Avatar
      Connor A.

      I absolutely love the blending of fantastical and metaphorical here. Judging from the warning and a few other details in this story, I assume that shadow represents abusive behavior in each person and letting them out is giving into that behavior? Regardless of what the underlying story is, it was still wonderfully done.

    9. Those are some twisty twists.

      Honestly I’m not sure which is worse, if it’s a literal or if it’s a metaphorical interpretation

      Kinda sounds like the monster is out already…unless this a different one, which leads to different slash worse implications.

      This also kind of felt like a sequel. I have a vague memory of reading a story about a girl and a shadow creature that did something horrible in her name. And this felt like her grown up and still with the shadow. But I could be misremembering. Or it might not have even been your story.

      Great work regardless.

  13. Every Morning’s Battle [A Tiefling Tale] (CW: Suicide ideation)
    C. M. Weller

    Kosh had gone through his morning Kata, worked through the training to keep himself fit. He had bathed, combed his hair, tying his shoulder-length indigo curls back into his habitual ponytail. He had even brushed his teeth.

    Which meant that there was only one last battle in his morning. It was time and past time to face his first enemy.

    He put on the lather by feel, only pulling down the cloth over the mirror when he needed it to see what he was doing. The straight razor was as steady as a rock in his hands as he faced his foe. A blue-skinned devil man glared back at him with glowing yellow eyes, his indigo hair tied back and his horns cut off by the small frame. Handsome, in his way. If one liked demon-kin. He had foam on his face and stubble to purge.

    Just cut off the whiskers, he reminded himself. He had been doing this since he first needed to shave.

    Unfortunately, he had been facing down the demon in the frame for the same time period. It was this or grow a beard and look even MORE evil.

    “Just the whiskers,” he murmured, clearing his face of increased ugliness. “Just the whiskers. JUST the whiskers…”

    The blade neared an artery.

    All it would take was one quick motion, the beast in the frame whispered. Horizontal instead of vertical. He wouldn’t even have time to cry out if he changed his mind. So quick, and his father wouldn’t have to acknowledge him. His brother would never know. His master wouldn’t have to recognise his accomplishments. His bride would never meet him.

    …and Whitekeep might fall, if he caused harm to a Demon Lord…

    Thousands of people. Dead, dying, or destitute, all because he decided to be a coward, and not weather another day of rejection by the greater world.

    “Hor auf,” he told his reflection, and finished shaving.

    1. Gotta admit, I had to google the last line, “hör auf” isn’t among the few lines of German I know.

      Very nice story, however! That inner monologue of half-wanting, half-not-wanting to die, and thinking in detail both scenarios. Planning his own death if it were to happen in that moment as well as trying to predict the consequences of both action and inaction in that moment. That was all really good, and it felt really natural to me, very much in line with how chaotic our thought process often can be.

      And, as a man with a goatee, I can confirm that shaving really is a battle sometimes.

      1. It’s probably worse when you literally look like a demon 😀

        Props to all the peeps who fight thoughts like that on the daily and keep winning.

    2. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      So firstly I have to say, that I am very glad I live in a world where razors are easier and safer to use, and aren’t Actual Straight Up Blades that could easily unalive me if used wrong. My intrusive thoughts are bad enough as is without adding that element to the collection, and oh boy, Kosh’s thoughts are significantly worse than that I suspect.

      “The straight razor was as steady as a rock in his hands” – a simple line, but one that I liked a lot – it conveys the absolute discipline and self-control he has to have over himself when shaving, such is the extent which he straight up doesn’t trust himself to not try something dangerous.

      And while I know the context of the situation is quite serious despite its mundanity, I did find the primary motivation for shaving being ‘because beards look even more evil’ to be a fricking hilarious one. XD

      “clearing his face of increased ugliness” -oof, that line was a quick and painful reminder of his self-hatred though. One of many constant and effective reminders sprinked through the piece, even before the suicidal idealation really gets going.

      And helll, I didn’t even think about how the ‘no harming a demon lord’ rule applies as much to *himself* as anyone else. Like my gosh, that’s a horrible weight to have as a person even if you grew up in a 100% loving and supporting family, never mind what Kormwind got! Just, the paranoia of doing*anything* risky or out-there as an activity, just in case it goes wrong in the worst way and the silent, hard-to-truly-know logic of the curse blames you for it, ruining everything for everyone else…

      Yeah, not a fun time for the poor guy, shaving.

      But a very good scene it made! Well done Internutter! ^w^

      1. The family history HAS revealed that unfortunate/unpreventable accidents have happened to prior Kormwinds. Alas, the curse has ways of putting flies in ointments [ask me about Kormwinds Four, Five, and Six >:D] so there’s probably more than a little bit of him that hopes Adventuring will take him out and thereby exercise his brand of mercy on the folks he loves.

        My guy is walking Angst Juice lol. And more than a bit of an Edgelord.

        The bad news is that he’s worse around his birthday.

        The good news is that he eventually gets over it.

    3. Occultic;Z Avatar
      Occultic;Z

      There is so much in this that really blends together. The physical appearance of a devil looking back on you in the mirror. The fact this is his struggle day in day out. An amazing view of self-loathing and the struggles that are faced in tasks like this.
      It was tense and all I wanted was for Kosh to be okay.

      My love goes out to all who struggle as Kosh does <3

      1. The instant that the Safety Razor is invented in this fantasy world, Kosh would be an early adapter. Though the rest of the team might wonder why he keeps muttering things at his reflection.

        “Screw you, this CAN’T cut my throat.”

    4. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Me: The stories have been great so far, but I’m not necessarily finding that sweet sweet angst I’m looking for with this prompt
      Me, sees your story: *Rubs hands together* This is gonna be some Kosh angst isn’t it?
      Reads the story: *Leans into the mic* Hell yeah….

      Knowing where this was going, I feel like there’s a layer of extra depth to that first paragraph–he’s still able to take care of himself physically, even if in some ways he hates himself, (where a lot of people who hate themselves aren’t able to do so). Or perhaps, as later parts of the story might imply, he makes sure he looks good, not because he wants to take care of himself, but so that he seems less like a monster–to himself and others.

      “Which meant that there was only one last battle in his morning. It was time and past time to face his first enemy.”
      –I love this. I knew immediately it would be the mirror but I think the double meaning is cool–that one might think he’s really going to battle with someone else. It shows how much distance he feels towards himself.
      I also like how the “one last battle” implies that everything in the first paragraph was a battle too.
      And the “first enemy” is interesting. Because I feel like it means both his first enemy of the day, and his first enemy of life in general.

      “He put on the lather by feel, only pulling down the cloth over the mirror when he needed it to see what he was doing”
      –Aww, poor sweet baby; he actually physically puts a cloth over the mirror.

      “The straight razor was as steady as a rock in his hands as he faced his foe. A blue-skinned devil man glared back at him with glowing yellow eyes, his indigo hair tied back and his horns cut off by the small frame. Handsome, in his way. If one liked demon-kin. He had foam on his face and stubble to purge.”
      –I like the description of the steady razor, it’s like he’s truly doing battle: he’s holding a blade, and he has to keep a level head and stare down his foe without flinching. Then the description of everything he just described about himself now applied to an external “him” I thought was very well done. (I actually ended up doing something similar in my piece this week. Great minds…).
      I’m curious if the “cut off by the small frame” is meant to symbolize that he would in some ways prefer if they were cut off? Then again, if that was the case he probably *would* cut them off(?).
      “If one liked demon-kin.”–This is so clever, because not only is that genuinely how someone might talk about someone being handsome, but it also *implies that he doesn’t.*

      “Unfortunately, he had been facing down the demon in the frame for the same time period. It was this or grow a beard and look even MORE evil.”
      –I liked this. The last sentence is interesting because it kind of breaks the poeticness of the piece and feels like it’s much more in his head. I’m curious why he thinks a beard would make him look more evil. But I’m not complaining XD

      I went to copy down more lines I like but I ended up just highlighting everything from “The blade neared an artery” to the end XD

      The shift occurring with the location of the blade I think is a great way to do it.

      I like the list of what would happen. I really like that each verb at the end of the sentences was unique and personal. It feels very much like what someone in the mental state would think, and it’s sad to think that some people in his life might… indeed prefer it that way. And shows just how terribly tempting this choice would be. The “Whitekeep might fall” I feel is the most tempting aspect of all to Kosh, because, that’s ultimately what he wants, right?

      The last two paragraphs are so powerful though. The idea that thousands of people’s lives rest on his own. I wonder why that’s the case. But I like that he cares so much about the people of his kingdom(?) that he’s willing to shoulder this burden for him. It shows ultimately his kindness and selflessness.
      The rejection seems so big and insurmountable throughout the piece, and especially when you get to the list, but once he puts it in those terms it seems so small. It’s well done.

      I had to look up the German, but I love that what he says is just “Stop.” (I am curious how he knows German though XD) There’s such power there. In some ways it’s both a gentle but stern compassion, but in others it sorta goes back to the facing the enemy without flinching idea.
      Having dealt with such thoughts before, I do agree that just “Stop” in some ways is the most powerful defense you can use against them.
      This is also what I mean by “transcendent” too. The story goes from very engaging angst, to something more more applicable and relatable to me as a reader. And a beautiful lesson for us to take away.

      Okay…reading the last two paragraphs made me tear up, but now I’m actually crying.

      Thank you so much for sharing this. I absolutely loved it <3

      1. I get the not-so-subtle impression that this little tale of mine is going to be one of your Host’s Picks 😉

        FTR “Hor auf” is a little bit naughtier than just ‘stop’. IIRC it’s a lot more similar to how it sounds. It’s been a hot while since I found it and added it to my vocabulary. Ask someone who actually speaks German though.

        Actually Whitekeep falling is the thing he least wants. It’s the consequence that keeps Kosh fighting another day, so to speak.

        There’s a LOT of palaver about the Family Curse in Kosh’s life story. He is a Demon Lord, one of the Whitekeep family’s occasional Tieflings. There’s an element of that curse that also prevents anyone _in_ the Whitekeep family from harming any Tiefling spawned by a Whitekeep. Which may or may not include _self_ harm. It’s one of the fine points that Kosh isn’t certain of and certainly won’t test because thousands of people firkin live there.

        Responsibility on his shoulders weighing like a mountain blablabla…

        Not in the slightest helped by the fact that Tieflings get the short end of the stick, socially speaking.

        Re: the mirror cutting off his horns – Sometimes a small mirror is just a small mirror.

        My inner author: BWAHAHAHA! I made someone cry from reading WORDS! With this power I shall Rule The World!

        Supremely glad you enjoyed it 😀

        1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
          i-prefer-the-term-antihero

          Was it that obvious? XD
          It’s for sure in my list. But I wanted to make sure I let you know how much I liked it while I had the energy, in case I end up picking another candidate.

          I tried to look it up again and all it came up with was wither “stop it” or “knock it off” so I’m not sure I get the naughtiness, but I’m not surprised either.

          Oh gotcha!! So these are the people whose lives he’s trying to save?

          Ohhhhh that adds a lot of context (not just to this piece, but to all your piece). So it’s kinda like a bomb going off if the Teifling gets intentionally harmed?
          Oh gosh, what if something happened on accident? How do they avoid that? Like how can he practice sword fighting if any harm by his sparring partner would kill everybody? :O

          Yes, I definitely enjoyed it a lot. Thank you so much for posting it!!

          1. The exact details of the family curse are lost [because potential plot fun-times] but some injuries can be accepted and welcomed by the Tiefling heir in question _as_ part of any training. As for accidents, they’re accidents. That’s not a plausible thing to prevent.

            Some Earls in the past have successfully engineered “unfortunate, unpreventable accidents” to Kormwinds of the past and had the curse kick them in the arse. Not in the fall of Whitekeep, but in more Kormwinds occurring.

    5. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I have read this multiple times, Inter, and it’s great each time. I love the use of the prompt in the literal sense. It’s also quite clear that this is an illusion brought on by Kosh himself. I’d honestly be surprised if he DIDN’T have any trauma living under Earl Valiant’s tyranny all of those years.

      I like the description of the demon. It’s just enough to get a general idea of what it looks while leaving room for a bit of interpretation.

      Kosh’s resolve at the end is admirable. I WILL say that he definitely learned some great fortitude underneath that monster’s reign, but I am equally, if not more so, happy to see that despite the cruelties he’s faced, he’s not harsh or belligerent or unkind to himself. And he has to deal with this every day. Now THAT is true valance. Bravo. As always, I am super stoked to see what you post next. Thank you for writing and sharing this.

      1. The demon IS his reflection, combined with his inner thoughts. The demon is him, and his temptation to just… end it.

        Valiant only tyrannised Baby Kosh for six years. Master Bai did nothing to help the hangups at all. Unless “help” means “make them worse”.

        Did I give you access to the backstory novelisation “One Tiefling”? Therein lies all the horseshit Kosh had to wade through before landing in Waterdeep.

    6. Connor A. Avatar
      Connor A.

      What a grounded approach to the prompt. Though I don’t need to worry about shaving my face, I do think about how risky it is in certain cases, especially when struggling with these sort of thoughts. My only nitpick would probably be that I can’t see the purpose of mentioning Kosh’s hair color twice, but aside from that this was a solid piece.

      1. Needed to make sure that people KNEW it was just him in the mirror. That’s why I talked about the hair twice.

    7. Oof! This one hits and it hits hard and I love it. I had a feeling what I was in for as soon as I saw the title and I could already feel the growing desire to hug the poor devil and I hadn’t even read any of the actual story yet.

      There’s so many little details you put into this one. Just little things like the mirror being covered until it was necessary. It just really makes you feel for him. And the repetition here was used EXCELLENTLY. You completely understood the issue at hand and it only makes you feel all the more for the poor guy that he needs to convince himself so hard to only shave the hair, especially when he’s only shaving it so that he’s less scary.

      He is indeed a bomb of angst and this was an absolutely great take on the prompt!

      1. I periodically enjoy writing a LOT of Whump. Glad to know I succeeded.

    8. I very much like the concept. The description of “his foe” was well done. The mention of his hair was a nice touch, since I could, unfortunately, see people not catching on that he was looking at his (actual) reflection. I myself had a minor freak out at “his horns cut off” before I got to “by the small frame”.
      If that was intended, bravo.

      1. Nah Kosh doesn’t need to or want to sever his horns. That was an unintended thing all the same.

    9. Arith_Winterfell Avatar
      Arith_Winterfell

      Another interesting exploration into Kosh and his inner life. Having suffered suicidal ideation from depression, I can sympathize with dear Kosh. I also very much sympathize with the details of his battles to take care of his own appearance despite feeling seeming to feel like it was pointless when others judged him only with fear and hate it seemed. The details in this story are well done. For example, the going over of each morning task, the added detail that, “He had even brushed his teeth.” All point toward the difficulties of self-care under the weight of depression and its energy stealing power. Then the real struggle with his mantra of “JUST the whiskers” and the power of his moment of how easy it would be to take his own life. Detailed and realistic. All of this makes it all the more, almost triumphant, acknowledgement that it would be cowardly to give in. And the affirmation that he was needed to ultimately protect or save his destitute people under the cruel tyranny of his father and others who cared little for “lesser” people. Though I admit, I was slightly confused by his statement about Whitekeep might fall if he harmed a demon lord. Did it mean killing himself, would mean triggering some sort of prophecy or curse? I’m a little confused on that part. All in all, a really good and interesting study of Kosh’s mind.

      1. Kosh IS the next Demon Lord of Whitekeep and therefore victim and subject of the family curse. He does joke, “I _AM_ the family curse!” with jazz hands.

        There’s a clause about Whitekeeps not causing harm to Demon Lords, which he knows. Since he is a Whitekeep AND a Demon Lord, his suicide could cause ruin to his entire Earldom.

        …no pressure.

  14. Red (The Harbinger of Envy)
    by Alexsander Edwards (EddySc)

    Adrian’s hands remained unclean. Over half the bar of soap was gone, and yet they remained unclean. He could see – no, feel red everywhere.

    The blood wouldn’t come off.

    He continued washing his hands over the basin. He’d even tried to bless the water with the rituals of his old gods, passed down through centuries of temple work.

    The blood wouldn’t come off.

    It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t ask for any of this. Adrian was a priest! He wanted guidance! Blessings and holy words, not a curse and a possession! He never called this being, this demon, this abomination to the physical world. Adrian had to keep washing.

    The blood wouldn’t come off.

    How could he know he’d invite this creature and lose control to its symbiotic nature? By the time he’d come back to his senses, he knew only the gods could tell what this demon had done. Adrian cried while washing his hands – it wasn’t him, it wasn’t him, it wasn’t him…

    The blood wouldn’t come off.

    Adrian took a deep breath, slowly counting to ten. This is what the creature wanted, wasn’t it? Chaos? It thrived off of his despair, of bringing turmoil to a priest of those whose powers were above it. Adrian stopped washing his hands.

    The blood couldn’t come off.

    A sense of ire and righteous determination took over the priest’s senses. He had to act. He would not be this creature’s tool. Its scythe with which to reap the people Adrian tried to save from damnation for so long. No, he would be a beacon. If his fate was to be entangled with this being for eternity in the name of stopping it from taking physical form, so be it.

    He thought of the wry smile from when the creature first made itself known. Adrian looked at his reflection in the basin water with fiery eyes, hoping the creature would look back. It would be his turn – from now on and forever. Defiantly, he whispered to the abomination within.

    “I shall be your tormentor!”

    1. “Out! Out, damn’d spot!” 😀 Ah yes. The blood that can’t be washed away is the manifestation of guilt of a poor sod who is suffering for their sins. Or, in this case, the sins of something that also inhabits their body.

      I get the feeling that this “demon” inhabiting Adrian is one of the Deaths rattling around in ForgeSpace? Am I wrong? Merely confused? It’s the scythe. The scythe always sets me off.

      1. I honestly have no idea what you mean, so that’s probably a no lol
        The scythe was just a metaphor, since this is from Adrian’s POV and he’s supposed to be your traditional, verbose, romantic Gothic protagonist.

        You may recall him as the POV character from my story for the prompt “Make Me Immortal,” my first ever prompt here – his stories didn’t yet have an overarching name at the time, but they do now!

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I know I already gave my thoughts, but poor Adrian. I feel so awful for him. Anguished by guilt. But that ending rally to no longer be tormented and instead be the tormentor. Love it.

      The use of red is also spectacular. Blood, yes, but as passion to not be a hapless bystander any more.

      Truly love this one, Eddy. So very great detail in reflection of the water and from within. Also, him hoping that the demon would meet his eye so that he would know that Adrian met it was bloody (yes, pun) brilliant. Bravo. I can’t wait to see what you post next. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this.

    3. Very interesting story.

      I’m honestly a little unclear on how we got to this point. Clearly some murdering was done. But before that. How and why did this demon or whatever, Venom maybe, show up only to bond with or be bound to this priest? Was the priest specifically targeted?

      Anyway. Regardless of all that, I liked the story. I’d like to see how he goes about being a demon to the demon.

  15. Calliope Rannis Avatar
    Calliope Rannis

    A Fun Night Out (Nyx’s Story)
    By Calliope Rannis (Content Warning: Alcohol Abuse, Gore)

    Nyx tore the bottle from her mouth, savouring the warmth of the wine.

    It felt good.

    She felt good.

    Good enough to check the mirror?

    Sure.

    The reflection swung into view.

    Her cheeks were pleasantly red – was that the makeup or wine, she wondered?

    Her eyelids were dark, eyelashes long and shining – definitely the makeup.

    Her outfit was standard, practical – but she looked hot in it anyway.

    She looked beautiful.

    She felt beautiful.

    She glanced towards the bottle.

    Good, it was still mostly-

    Well, it was about half-

    Okay, maybe about a third full.

    No matter. It would last her until she reached the bar.

    Nyx looked into the mirror and smiled, fangs gleaming in the glass.

    This night felt like a good one.

    She awoke to a wet, foul stickiness, her head exploding with pain.

    She breathed in – the smell was disgusting – and out with a pitiful groan.

    Her hands clutched at slick grass and sticky mud, straining to raise her off the ground.

    Only when she was up on all fours, did Nyx dare raise her head, jaws clenched in agony.

    She looked upon scattered bones, gobbets of meat, shreds of organs and severed limbs.

    Oh for fuck’s sake.

    She staggered to her feet, only to immediately buckle over as her stomach twisted into knots.

    She tried to cough, and two pints of rancid blood scattered across the ground.

    She felt sick. But at least it wasn’t her own blood.

    Water. She could hear water. Good.

    Nyx escaped the trees to find a riverbank. The stars above judged her. Dark water flowed below.

    The reflection lurched into view.

    Her cheeks were red, caked in dried blood. As was most of her body.

    Her eyes were black pits, the moonlight refusing to enter.

    Her clothes were nowhere to be seen. Maybe those would be easier to clean, once she found them.

    Gods, she looked so ugly.

    She was always so fucking ugly.

    Nyx dived forward, her body shattering the reflection into nothingness.

    If the river wasn’t enough to wash this awful night away, then maybe the wine tomorrow would.

    1. I got huge Disco Elysium vibes here. The duality of the party person who’s all about having fun with alcohol and the depressed person underneath, who thinks of themself as a wreck.

      I also love how the break was done. rather than going for the obvious choice of having her take another swig and then cut, you just imply what happened next, really well-executed.

      “Good, it was still mostly-
      Well, it was about half-
      Okay, maybe about a third full.”

      Also a huge fan of these lines, they show a lot of character.

    2. This is really cool! You have both the look into the mirror during the party, and the river after, which really drives home the idea of the change, with that repetition. I like this style of line after line, like we’re being fed her thoughts as they go. Your descriptions are also really potent! Things like ‘She awoke to a wet, foul stickiness, her head exploding with pain.’ Really pop, especially when compared to the line just before. Great work!

    3. Lol okay, so by the title alone, I’m familiar enough with the character that I had a good idea where this story was going to go and you did not disappoint! I absolutely adored the way this story was told. You really make the reader feel the chaotic nature of Nyx’s thoughts. Even in the beginning when the reflection is “good”, there’s all those nice little nuggets in there.

      The excessive drinking. The denial about how excessive it is. The insistence of how beautiful she is to the extent that it’s clear she’s trying to convince herself of it, so that the payoff shortly after is glorious. Well… gloriously vivid, anyway.

      Your word choice was completely on point. Everything about it was visceral and disgusting to echo her surroundings and how she actually felt about herself. Excellent take on the prompt! Loved this one!

    4. Arith_Winterfell Avatar
      Arith_Winterfell

      I’m reminded of the Nickelback song “How you remind me” when he sings “And I’ve been wrong, I’ve been down / Been to the bottom of every bottle / These five words in my head / Scream ‘Are we having fun yet?’” You explore an excellent portrayal of Nyx in point and counterpoint if the form of her happiness being drunk and her misery after a night of bloodshed in the forest. You make good use of details exploring her reflections in both parts of the story. Together both halves of the story form a united picture of false happiness when drunk, and real misery in her semi-undead state which she tries to cover up with drunkenness and wine. All in all an interesting and details exploration of Nyx self-reflecting on her body, self-esteem, and the state of her existence through her reflection and actions. A really good and fun piece! 🙂

  16. Face Value
    By Chrono

    Lucas woke in a sweat, needles prickling his skin. He had had that same dream once more. He was falling, spiraling out of control into that cosmic maw; the only comfort that nightmare left him was the strums of Zana’s guitar. He knew what it meant; Leptin wanted to talk.

    He dragged himself out of bed, the fading warmth convincing him to throw on a hoodie, as he walked over to his desk. It wasn’t a far walk from his bed in his cramped little room, its wallpaper displaying fading red dahlias. A cloud of dust descended from the roof as people stomped above. He snatched up that jagged shard of polished aluminum plating. As he did, he felt that weight upon his shoulder and saw the black cat resting upon it in the reflection.

    The cat’s visage curled into a Cheshire grin. Its eyes glowed like two pale moons in the dark sky of its fur. It let out a yowling noise, forming into words.

    “Lucas, good to see you’re awake. Are you ready for your final trial?”

    Lucas nodded. This was it, his last step in obtaining what he needed to crush this loathsome King Jericho. He couldn’t stand to see innocent people sacrificed in the path of someone ensuring their power.

    Another sing-song yowl brought him out of his thoughts.

    “Kill Zana.”

    Lucas’ brain function slowed to a crawl for a moment, processing what Leptin had said. He looked to the shard to see if he could tell if Leptin was pulling a prank on him as he had before. Leptin was no longer in that fragment. Lucas’ stomach sank.

    He looked at himself in that chip of metal. Would he do it? Could he even bring himself to do it? His face was shiny from the sweat that had just formed on it. His anger surged; he didn’t even feel the blood trickle from his hand as he crushed that mirror shard in his palm.

    He had to.

    “I’m sorry, Zana. This is everything to me.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Chrono! I really adore the confliction in this piece!

      I’m not sure if you’ve written anything before this, but this is really good. If this is indeed your first entry, then it is a fantastic one. I am fascinated by a character communicating with music through dreams. That is really awesome.

      Also mirror communication and use of speech through an animal familiar! I cannot tell you how excited and giddy that makes me!

      From how Lucas is shown, he seems to be a very quiet natured, peaceful person. However, he is also righteous and honorable, seeing his thoughts about King Jericho. I think that if he goes through with this last trial of killing who I assume to be his closest friend, it will very well distort and warp his view of things. Because he has to do this one horrible thing to ensure the salvation and goodness for a lot of other people. That is bound to give him a complex, for sure.

      There is a soft hum throughout this entire piece, and I feel it’s a slow building malice. You give motivation for why he’s taking these trials, it is succinctly explained who Leptin is, and you present the obstacle that stands in Lucas’s way.

      Its eyes glowed like two pale moons in the dark sky of its fur. (Beautiful imagery)

      His face was shiny from the sweat that had just formed on it. His anger surged; he didn’t even feel the blood trickle from his hand as he crushed that mirror shard in his palm. (I feel like I’m right there with Lucas on this part. You can SEE the confliction and struggle radiating off of him. Excellently portrayed.)

      Critique:

      Falling, spiraling out of control into that cosmic maw(;) or (.) the only comfort that nightmare left him was the strums of Zana’s guitar.

      This is a very tiny critique in a sea of wonderfulness. I genuinely love this story. There is so much of back and forth between Lucas with himself. In Leptin’s mind, there’s no question that Lucas will do it. This is a really good story. I honestly don’t know what to say. I am extremely excited to see what you post next. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this one!

      1. I don’t even know what to say except thank you! Your reviews are always so comprehensive and I really appreciate the encouragement! This is my second time writing anything of this nature, since I tried last time. My only writing before just recently was from school. Once again, thank you for such a wonderful review, and thank you for that punctuation remark, I’ll fix it now.

    2. Lee Strangely Avatar
      Lee Strangely

      I get Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland vibes from this story. I can’t help but imagine Stephen Fry’s voice coming out of the cat in the reflection. Even before the end I can sense the the dark direction that everything is going. With no clue as to what might’ve came before this, you did a great job setting up everything and making it all understandable even with no prior context. I would love to know what happens before and after this point! Don’t stop writing!

      1. Thank you so much, Lee! This was a stand alone piece when I made it, but I definitely will have to think about continuing it! I really appreciate the encouragement!

  17. Death Doesn’t Discriminate Between the Sinners and the Saints
    By Marx

    Humans take so many things for granted. Such as breathing. I do not, technically speaking, need to breathe but I can appreciate the action. I enjoy doing it. The air is so much nicer here. There are so many interesting smells, both good and bad. It’s the variety that intrigues me.

    Something then catches my eye, drawing me away from my generalized revelry. Is that-?

    I sit down on the bench to get a closer look. Yes. From what I’ve been told, this red, horned figure holding a pitchfork with their middle finger pointed skyward was supposed to be a representation of me.

    “Heh. You like it?”

    I look up from the shoulder upon which the puckish image of me rested to see quite the pale young girl, contrasted interestingly with various black all about her person. “I… do. What, may I ask, convinced you to get such a thing permanently etched onto your person?”

    The girl let out a small chuckle. “My mom’s really religious. Getting it really pissed her off. She kicked me out because of it.”

    I nodded. “Yes. I can greatly empathize with your plight. It is funny how one who is supposed to love you unconditionally will put conditions on that love.”

    The girl laughed again. “Tell me about it. You have any ink?”

    “I do not.” I look again at the image on her shoulder. “Do you think I should?”

    “Totally.” She grinned widely at me. “It’s one of the best forms of expression as far as I’m concerned. Along with-” Cutting herself off, the girl turned her back to me. This tattoo was much larger and it was done in a more realistic style. It once again had the red figure, only this time he was playing a guitar shaped like a cross.

    How interesting…

    “I have never played a guitar before.”

    The girl giggled. “You should try that too. You only live once, you know.”

    I think to the horseman of Death who freed me in the first place and nod. “Yes. You do. You live your life quite wisely, human.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Marx, please tell me how you always make such fabulous titles. I wish to know how to harness this power for myself. I really love that Satan himself is there (or rather, I’m assuming it’s Satan), and I am always interested to see centuries old deities react to how people think they should look. I also really love the difference in between their speech and diction.

      It’s pretty awesome how you subvert the prompt. Instead of using a reflective surface, you use a tattoo. That is so wicked and quite excellent! I love it so very much!

      And did I interpret this correctly as being the start of the apocalypse, possibly?? I am incredibly excited!

      Allow me to express the hilarity of the fact that she got this particular devil tattoo with the middle finger sign on it simply to upset her mother, while also ironically having another tattoo of the devil playing guitar with a CROSS. That is so beautiful and amazing.

      Critique:

      I look up from the shoulder upon which the puckish image of me rested to see quite the pale young girl, contrasted quite interestingly with various black all about her person. (I believe if you remove the ‘quite’ before describing the girl, this sentence would flow a bit better. As it stands, it hits my ear wrong.)

      From what I’ve been told, this red, horned figure holding a pitchfork with their middle finger pointed skyward was supposed to be a representation of me. (This line is unfair and how hilarious it is. I genuinely love it)

      This is a much more subdued type of story from you that I’m accustomed to. However, it’s still really great. It feels as though it’s building up to something bigger, but it is also a necessary step in the process of getting to that big, bad grand thing. As always, your stories intrigue and fascinate me, while making me laugh and feel things. I am beyond excited to see what you post next. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this.

      1. Lol I won’t lie, I do spend quite some time thinking of the titles on occasion. But some of them do just snap in place and I know that’s the one.

        Another subversion that I would have loved to have gotten into that I just didn’t want to dedicate the word count to is that in my world Lucifer is female. So even the gender of the tattoos are technically incorrect lol.

        As for this being the start of the apocalypse, it is only in the sense that the horsemen of the apocalypse are on Earth, so she’s just assuming that the time is officially ticking(especially since freeing her from Hell kinda leads the world closer to ending anyway).

        And I do really love the idea for both tattoos. In my head she got the cartoonish one to tick off her mom and got the back one for herself which is why that one is the more intricate of the two.

        I’m really glad you liked this one. It was interesting to do a more subdued, wholesome story, especially considering who I’m doing it with lol.

    2. That awkward moment, when you see images of you made by other people and they look nothing like you. The narrator (who I assume is the devil) seems to have mixed feelings. I do find is quite sweet that their talking it out with the girl. Devil having a tattoo of themself… That would be fun.

      I really like the dynamic between the two. The devil learning to play the guitar and then performing in local pubs is a really sweet image to me. I also like the idea of the mirror here not just reflecting oneself, but reflecting how others see you, since these are representations of the adversary made by other people.

      Great story!

      1. Thank you so much! Lol that was very much the idea to play around with what exactly the mirror could be and to have it technically reflecting so wrong that even playing the guitar was technically wrong.

        And the funny thing is that you’re right. If Lucifer did get a tattoo, it probably would be of how the world sees her because she’d find that really funny. And if the right prompt comes up, I’ll definitely be doing more with the guitar.

    3. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      So firstly, that title is a Hamilton reference isn’t it? I don’t get many of the title references, but I do understand that one at least! Even if it initially made me think the viewpoint character was going to be Death. 😛

      I also really like how the initial paragraph of the story is so dedicated to Lucifer (I assume) just chilling. No particular plans or scheming here – the most that is indicated of her motivation here is just ‘generalised revelry’. Which is rather sweet to see, even if there may be sinister or sad reasons why she’s choosing to spend her time in such a simple way.

      “From what I’ve been told, this red, horned figure holding a pitchfork with their middle finger pointed skyward was supposed to be a representation of me.” – frigging loved this line in particular, as both a character reveal and as a punchline too. Especially because she doesn’t seem to disagree all that much with the idea either – the red skin, horns and pitchfork may be inaccurate, but the middle finger towards the sky deffo seems like a mood shared with the authentic Devil too.

      And likewise, it is very sweet that she could find such simple and human relatability with the goth girl she meets, purely because of their shared parental issues. In general, this scene was a lovely bonding moment for that. <3

      Oh, and I just adore how her response to the second tattoo sounds just like a tangental thought to anyone else, but is actually more precisely on topic than anyone else could ever know. As well as in general, it being very sweet that she sees this tattoo, and thinks 'maybe I should try that, if people think I would like it?'

      In any case, this was perhaps the most sweet and adorable scene featuring Lucifer herself that I have ever seen I think! Lovely work Marx! <3 ^w^

    4. Lantis Armstrong Avatar
      Lantis Armstrong

      He’s never played guitar before, but I hear he’s quite the devil with a fiddle!

      Ah, I love this story, was just grinning the whole time while reading through it. Satan talking to a girl with a Satan tattoo, and I love the parallel between her mom and God, someone who kicked Satan out of heaven despite supposedly being one to love his creations unconditionally, like the girl’s Christian mother.

      Very fun story! I enjoyed it.

      1. Lol thank you so much! I’m really glad you liked the story and that it was such an enjoyable read. I really like playing with the prompt and having multiple ways that it could be taken. Such as you could argue because of their similarities that the girl is also a reflection in a way.

    5. I hate that I can’t read your stories without thinking up dumb jokes/memes.

      “Will Matt free Lucifer? Will he remain neutral? Find out in the next episode of ‘Overly Familiar’; ‘Lucifer Gets Some Fresh Air!’”

      Tl;Dr
      Lucifer: [sees woman with a devil tatoo] Why did you get that?
      Woman: To piss off my mom.
      Lucifer: Mood

      And someone beat me to a joke about violins.

      And honestly I kinda love the idea that Lucifer isn’t on some unholy rampage, or out for blood or vengeance on even a small scale, but just enjoying the suddenly, comparatively, miniscule amount of life she has left.

  18. A Glimpse of the Squire (Exile Universe)
    By Alex Nightingale (aka Spectre)

    Janeah could barely lift her sword arm. It had been exhausting just to hold the damned thing, let alone swing it. After hours of fighting, her arms had begun to tire. With Soren and Naerahine who knew where, she counted herself lucky that she hadn’t run into anyone on the lower decks of the ship, frozen in waves of ice.

    Until now, at least.

    She heard its claws behind her, tasting the heavy, moist air, as it heated up. She began to sweat, as the ice around her thawed, dripping from the ceiling and down her collar in cold droplets. The frost hissed with every step behind her, as Janeah tried to avoid tripping over the corpses beneath her. Demons, hacked to death by one of them, she couldn’t remember who.

    She slipped on a wet plank and fell, fell hard onto the wood, crashing into a cabinet, behind a counter. Something showered itself onto her. Half frozen liquids, reeking of alcohol and other substances she couldn’t identify, rained onto her. Shards of ice and glass cut her skin and she clamped a hand over her mouth, to stifle a wince.

    Silence filled the deck. Silence, except for the slow hissing of ice, under glowing paws. Janeah felt the air grow heavy, as the thing moved around.

    She waited.

    And waited.

    Until she couldn’t anymore.

    She took a sheet of glass from the floor and held it in front of her, using it to look past the counter she was still crouching behind.

    She saw slick, black fur, showing the movement of every muscle fibre. Bony teeth glinted, within a maw, filled with yellow light. She almost screamed, as white sightless eyes stared right at her.

    Someone whistled.

    The creature turned and limped away, leaving Janeah panting in the water. Her gaze was still fixed onto the glass in front of her. For a second, the distorted monster was joined by a figure wearing a feathered hat and white eyes.

    She thanked gods she hadn’t prayed to in ages that they didn’t care about her on this day.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Oh, Exile! It’s Daimyn! Janeah is indeed very lucky and/or blessed that he wasn’t interested in her for whatever reason. I will say that even though he is a terrifying entity, he’s got a great sense of style.

      I really love the tension and build up and heart pounding exhilaration of the story, Alex. I really felt like I was there with her. The way that you casually describe the bodies being strewn out across the floor is really wonderful. It’s visceral and straightforward, but that makes it a little bit easier to absorb. Also because you don’t linger over the details.

      The intertwining of showing off the animal’s description and Janeah’s fear is also incredibly well done. She has to fight her own instincts to scream in order to save her life.

      The mirror in this case is pretty obvious. It’s the ice. It’s also very well interwoven into the story with how the place is already filled with ice and cold. Actually, I think that suits Daimyn’s personality quite well. And I don’t doubt that his pet is an extension of his usefulness rather than out of any kind of love. Then again, I could be wrong on that.

      Critique:

      Half frozen liquids, reeking of alcohol and other substances she couldn’t identify, rained onto her. (I feel like you can omit the last three words of this line. You already painted a pretty good picture with the sentence before this one.)

      She began to sweat, as the ice around her thawed, dripping from the ceiling and down her collar in cold droplets. (This is a really excellent line! I can FEEL it!)

      Silence, except for the slow hissing of ice, under glowing paws. (Another wonderfully vivid sentence!)

      I love this story, as I have all of your others. You do a magnificent job of setting the scene, the pace, and the atmosphere. You can TASTE the tension, and although this story ended on a relieving note, there is still a bit of a chill dancing along my spine at the almost encounter. Will there be a second chance at a first meeting? I am excited to see what you post next. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this!

    2. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Ahh, more Janeah!!
      Honestly when I saw it was her I was kinda hoping it would be about how she became this dragon being, but this is still cool!
      Your Exile stuff is always interesting to read. Not just because it’s a cool universe, but because I feel like I’m trying to piece together what this universe is all about as well as just enjoy the story XD
      So it seems this is after her and Soren become friends? And there’s a new name too, curious if we’ll meet them anytime soon.
      I didn’t catch that it was Daimyn at first but after I saw Luna’s review that just added a new element to the piece!! He’s definitely very terrifying and villainous…but I kinda love it.

      I definitely agree with Luna that this piece is very full of tension and exhilaration, and it feels like you’re right there with her.

      “she counted herself lucky that she hadn’t run into anyone on the lower decks of the ship, frozen in waves of ice.”
      –This is already an incredibly fascinating image. I love the setting so much. I feel like something probably *actively* froze those waves, because it usually isn’t *waves* that freeze, and it makes me incredibly curious. (At first I thought it was Daimyn’s creature, but I’m not sure if that’s the case upon rereads).

      “as Janeah tried to avoid tripping over the corpses beneath her. Demons, hacked to death by one of them, she couldn’t remember who.”
      –This adds a terrifyingness and gravitas to the scene. I’m curious what she means by “one of them” though. Does she mean “one of them” as in either by Soren, herself, or Naerahine? Or does she mean “either by us, or by Daimyn”?

      “Half frozen liquids, reeking of alcohol and other substances she couldn’t identify, rained onto her. Shards of ice and glass cut her skin”
      –I really like this image!! (Personally I like the “rain.” I think without it I would have gotten a different image in my head).

      “Silence filled the deck. Silence, except for the slow hissing of ice, under glowing paws.”
      –Love this too!! That auditory image is so freaky and distinct

      What sort of creature is this monster? Fur, muscles, teeth, and a glowing mouth, while a cool image, didn’t really give enough for me to go on in terms of what body type it has. (I kinda ended up imagining the creature that kills the priest dude in Castlevania).
      I wonder what sort of powers it has, what the glowing mouth means.

      Little nitpick: “to stifle a wince.” ..Do/can you stifle a wince? Isn’t a wince a silent physical reaction, not a sound? Wouldn’t you stifle a gasp or a scream? I could be wrong.

      Great job!!

    3. Frickin love this story! The descriptions and the way you paint the scene and give us that visceral feeling of panic as Janeah is hiding is just a glorious thing to behold. The beast especially comes off incredibly terrifying leaving the reader on the edge of their seat. Amazing take on the prompt!

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