Writing Group: Only a Kiss (PRIVATE)

Hello, all you Lovelies!

Have you ever kissed anyone? What did it feel like? What do you think is the most romantic way to give or receive a kiss? I wonder if it would be as magical as the fairytales say? If it’s not asking too much, could you tell me what a kiss means to you, because…

This week’s Writing Group prompt is:

Only a Kiss

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

Count on you beautiful lot to choose a prompt perfectly fit for this upcoming Valentine’s Day. And what a lovely, sweet prompt it is this week.

A kiss can mean so much, and in so many different ways. 

For example, someone kissing another on the forehead can give a sense of protection, and show that they treasure this person. They treat them gentle and delicately, the closeness and care they both feel clear as crystal. A peck on the cheek can be many things, ranging from a standard greeting in some places— though in this greeting, the lips do not actually touch the cheek, but rather the kiss is made beside it— to a quick “I’ll see you later”, to even a tease of greater, possibly more intimate things to come. A kiss on the cheek is more affectionate than one on the forehead in most cases. Then there’s the kiss we all have seen in all the fairytales and fables. The lips. This is meant to show a special kind of love. You don’t normally kiss just anyone on the lips, after all. A kiss like this invokes a special sense of affection, the kind that blossoms into a passion like no other. 

Kisses aren’t limited to just the above, either. There’s soft, gentle kisses like the touch of a butterfly’s wing, invoking a sense of care, or even shyness. There’s quick kisses that show the person is either in a hurry, too timid to let it linger, or even that they are uncomfortable but still want to be polite.Then there are kisses that last an eternity, brimming with fiery passion, overflowing with a burning lust, or just teeming with all the love the giver has ever felt for the receiver. They can be one or two long and slow experiences, or they can be playfully peppered all over. 

There is no limit to what a kiss can mean, and what it can do. 

So place the pen to the paper, and let your imagination play across the page with kisses of ink and wonder.

—Shawna

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

Tune into the stream this Saturday at 3:00pm CST to see if you made the cut!

The whole purpose of this is to show off the creativity of the community, while also helping each other to become better writers. Lean into that spirit! Get ready not just to share what you’ve got, but to give back to the other writers here as well.

Rules and Guidelines

We read at least four stories during each stream, two of which come from the public post, and two of which come from the much smaller private post. Submissions are randomly selected by a bot, but likes on your post will improve your chances of selection, so be sure to share your submission on social media!

  1. Text and Formatting

    1. English only.
    2. Prose only, no poetry or lyrics.
    3. Use proper spelling, grammar, and syntax.
    4. Your piece must be between 250-350 words (you can use this website to see your wordcount).
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  2. What to Submit

    1. Keep submissions “safe-for-work”; be sparing with sexuality, violence, and profanity.
    2. Try to focus on making your submission a single meaningful moment rather than an entire story.
    3. Write something brand new; no re-submitting past entries or pieces written for other purposes
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    5. Submissions must be self-contained (everything essential to understanding the piece is contained within the context of the piece itself—no mandatory reading outside the piece required. e.g., if you want to write two different pieces in the same setting or larger narrative, you cannot rely on information from one piece to fill in for the other—they must both give that context independently).
  3. Submission Rules

    1. One submission per participant.
    2. Submit your entry in a comment on this post.
    3. Submissions close at 12:00pm CST each Friday.
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    5. Be constructive and uplifting. These submissions are not for a professional market, and shouldn’t be treated as such. We do this, first and foremost, for the joy of the craft. Help other writers to feel like their work is valuable, and be considerate and gentle with critique when you offer it. Authors who leave particularly abrasive or disheartening remarks on this post will be disqualified from selection for readings.
    6. Use the same e-mail for your posts, reviews, and likes, or you may be rendered ineligible (you may change your username or author name between posts without problem, however).
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Comments on this post that aren’t submissions will be deleted, except for replies/reviews left on existing submissions.


Comments

64 responses to “Writing Group: Only a Kiss (PRIVATE)”

  1. jesse fisher Avatar
    jesse fisher

    Death’s Kiss
    By Jesse Fisher

    A kiss.

    That was all it took for me to start to wonder why it took this long to experience this. A moment of closeness that I did not know I wanted. I could not breathe for the duration as if I was not of this world but a phantom only existing in this moment.

    As sudden as it happened it ended, once more heartache gripped me. The blood on my hands could not be cleaned, it stained my flesh as they fell down to the ground as shock flew through them.

    Love was not what I wanted, it was a mask that I wore to get close to the monster that haunted my family’s life. This was not meant to be anything beyond a means to an end but the blood was the only thing that broke the mask fully. The kiss was the crack that made the mask fail.

    That infernal kiss and feelings that made me break down as the blood pooled around the monster and my kneeled form. The weapon returned to my arms, it would look like someone had attacked them with sharpen wind. Who would use physical weapons when you could just use elemental powers to attack. And how could a low forsaken ever use such refined power, god had left them powerless for a reason.

    Part of me wants to give in to manic laughter as the deed was done, another wishes to mourn as the deed left me hollow from the love I lost.

    It was only the feeling of air moving around me that I noticed that the guards threw me away from the corpse.

    Maybe I’ll fall wrong and end up in the same place as the victim that I just made.

  2. WolfsbaneX Avatar
    WolfsbaneX

    “The Widow’s Kiss” (Mythos Cycle: Fyndveld)
    By Hemming Sebastian Bane (CW: implied mutilation, drugging, lack of consent)

    It was only a kiss, she said. Nothing more. Just a kiss under the moon at midnight. Her breath tasted like champagne and cherries. I wish I could have stayed in that moment forever. That’s when I felt my body go limp. My eyes stayed open as several muscular Fae appeared from their hiding places. As they grabbed me, she spat on my face. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. But I couldn’t. The burning tears formed a seal over my eyes. My vision blurred.

    It was only a kiss. That was how she lured a bored man like me into her chamber. The warmth of her lips burrowed into my skin and crawled down my back. My lust peaked. My interest piqued, I let her take my hand. She led me from the ballroom to a secret staircase. Why did I not see? I thought I did: away from wandering eyes we could be young without judgment. Virile. Full of passion. Alive. Yet here I am, being dragged blinded by my own tears.

    It was only a kiss. That’s how I knew she was still there after they strapped my arms and legs down to this cold metal surface. What was she doing? I heard the gentle clinks of metal on metal. A gray field gave way to white. I felt her hand rub down my bare chest, slowly.

    It was only a kiss. Electric pain and pulsing heat on my stomach. I wanted to scream, but my throat was closed. I could hear her speaking now.

    “The surgery is going as planned. Don’t worry. You may die here, but parts of you will live on.”

    I wish I could ask her to let me go. I wish I could bargain with her. I wish I could get up from this table and kill her with my bare hands. But I could barely cry at this point.

    It was only a kiss, and it took everything I had away.

    1. Even with the numerous content warnings, I was still unprepared for your story, Wolf. It’s so HEAVY. I had to actually stop reading for a bit. I got teary-eyed towards the end because it’s just so terrifyingly sad, man.

      I really appreciate you writing this from the perspective of a man. It is not portrayed enough, honestly. Whether that be a sympathetic or supporting or positive light. No doubt that this is horrific, but you have written it with a fair amount of sympathy and understanding from his perspective.

      I am not sure if any of your personal life bled over into this, but to me, it did feel like you were trying to purge some demons, in a way.

      I ache for this poor man’s experience. Being misled and drugged like that, to be put in a state of pure helplessness while being awake, is incredibly horrific. It honestly makes my skin crawl. I feel unsafe simply thinking about it. Not to mention the added layer of her muffling him by sitting on his face. I already have a very uneasy, uncomfortable feeling in regards to covering someone’s mouth. It’s a violent, visual reaction from me. To have her sit on his face is, in my opinion, honestly similar to sexual assault. She is forcing her AREA on his mouth, and I– Hoo boy! It’s no wonder that you kept it as short as you did.

      The repetition of it was only a kiss takes on a different meaning just about every time it’s used here. There’s a progression from “It’s a sweet, shared experience” to “This is a little bit strange, but it’s okay” to “Something isn’t quite right”, and finally, to “I’m not making it out of this alive.”

      It’s like a slow building of sinister blocks. The tension climbs as you add more pieces to the puzzle. Incredibly dark and well written. It’s also quite visceral. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this. I can’t wait to see what you post next.

    2. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      A fly in a spider’s parlor, a frankenstein in the making, the term black widow. All interesting themes on their own but the tale woven here is amazing. The first person adds to this all and the constant reminder of the prompt adds to this character is slowly going mad from all the things around him. Great story and love the chiller of it all.

  3. Destiny
    By NocteVesania

    “Hey.”

    Kat continues observing the crystal ball. Lucas, tired of staring at cleaning materials in the crammed janitor’s closet, calls again.

    “Heeey.”

    She leans closer, making out two horizontal figures. She tilts her head to the side and her squinted eyes suddenly widen.

    “HEY!”

    Lucas slams the table, launching the crystal ball up a few inches. It lands back on its pedestal without shattering.

    “WHAT THE HECK?” Kat glares at him.

    “Whoops. Haha.” Lucas gives a goofy smile, which he drops after a brief, awkward pause. “Anyway, did you see anything?”

    Kat’s piercing blue eyes soften and shift to the side. Her lips pucker up slightly. “Err…”

    Lucas leans to meet her gaze. “This is my chance! Will there be hot chicks at the mixer or what?”

    “Um… I saw you… well…” She starts twiddling her thumbs. “…with a girl.”

    His face turns to a stupid grin. “Is she hot?”

    Kat raises her eyebrows. “Well, excuse me,” she exclaims as she reaches for her bag.

    Lucas’ expression turns to bewilderment. “At least tell me what happens!”

    Kat stops. “You… k-k-kiss.”

    “SCORE!” Lucas raises his fists and hits a bag of detergent, which falls unceremoniously on the floor. He reaches for the doorknob to leave.

    “Wait,” Kat interjects, grabbing Lucas’ shoulder. She immediately recoils as soon as he glances back, “i-it wasn’t at the mixer.”

    Lucas pauses, then purses his lips. “Interesting. Where shall I claim my prize then, oh knowing one?”

    “H… h…”

    “Hallway? House? Hoteeel?” Lucas gives an exaggerated gasp. “Spicy.”

    “H… here…” Kat’s cheeks turn beet red.

    “You don’t mean… you and I…” He laughs. “No way!”

    “Excuse me?!”

    “Please! Keep dreaming, sister.”

    Kat hurriedly grabs her bag. “Well then, good day.” She slips past Lucas and opens the door.

    “Hey!” Lucas steps forward to follow her out. “You forgot–”

    Before he finishes his sentence, he trips over the bag of detergent. Time seems to slow down as his shadow eclipses Kat’s petite frame. She looks back in horror. His trajectory is set and their fate is sealed as their faces draw closer and closer. It is inevitable.

    1. Great to see you back in the writing group, Nocte! What a wonderful, sweet return it is! This is an absolutely adorable story. Lucas is a tool, but he’s one of those lovable ones who is so charming that you can’t help but love him. Definitely an extrovert if I’ve ever seen one.

      Kat is sweet but also appears shy here. Given that she can see the future and what she sees, it’s no wonder. I am quite curious as to how she obtained these powers or if this was simply an act. I understand that that’s not the focus of the story, but I would love to see more of that aspect.

      I love how hilariously wholesome the kiss in this one is. And I do love self-fulfilling prophecies. That setup for it is flawless. This is the perfect blend of humor and sweetness to me. I would definitely love to see more of these two.

      I love the wholesome stories that come throughout the week because I think with all the darker ones, they are definitely needed to hit that balance. You did an excellent job with this, and I’m so happy that you got a story out this week. Welcome back. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this one.

    2. WolfsbaneX Avatar
      WolfsbaneX

      Welcome back, Nocte! I’ve missed you. I really liked this story. This idea that fate gets in the way of what you want is intriguing. At first you think it’s because the fortune teller has a crush on him, but then she leaves. Well, tries to. The only gripe I have is the use of present tense is a bit distracting, but that might be a nitpick. Regardless, good job!

  4. Glaceon373 Avatar
    Glaceon373

    A Midnight Summoning
    by Carrie (Glaceon373)

    The last branch slid into the ritualistic circle. Sycamoris chanted in a long-lost tongue, sprinkling ashen flakes over bark and bones.

    “Of oak and yew and fallen dew,” his words clicked in his throat, swimming through the air, “of light and night and times of blight…”

    He blew out the candle in the center of the circle.

    “Grace me with your presence!”

    The midnight shadows of the forest quivered. Crackling out of the air, as if emerging from a space between where winds blew and creatures breathed, a ghost of emerald green spiraled into existence. With a flash of lightning, the spirit fully manifested into a face with eight eyes and a calm expression.

    It opened its mouth to speak…

    “Oh hey kiddo, what’s up?”

    Sycamoris set down the rest of his spellcasting supplies. “Quite a bit, Pops. I’m here for advice.”

    “Advice? What’s the advice for?”

    He sighed defeatedly. “Romance.”

    The face floating in the forest gasped. “Is my son in love?” the face mocked.

    “No, specifically the opposite.” Sycamoris sat down on the mossy ground. “People keep asking me when I’m going to get a partner. It’s been making me uncomfortable. And today someone kissed me on the cheek and I freaked out.”

    “Just a kiss?”

    “Yeah. Apparently she thought I wanted to be in a relationship with her. I didn’t. I don’t think I want to be in one ever, honestly. But everyone else seems to want me to. I came here for advice on what to do next.“

    Sycamoris’s father seemed to ponder for a moment. “Well, son, I don’t think you need to fall in love. It is truly a shame that you are human, for us spirits have none of that pressure. I hope the society that you are a part of can respect your wishes, kid.”

    Sycamoris smiled. “I really needed to hear that, Dad.”

    The floating head laughed, voice echoing amongst the trees as scattered whispers. “Remember that I am only one ritual away, my son. Now, would you please release me? I was in the middle of shaping a new river…”

    1. I love this, Carrie. The opening is incredibly serious, and then, it switches to rather whimsical and playful in the middle. It was a very natural transition, too.

      The thought of simply being able to summon someone from the land of the spirits with a spell is really intriguing. I also love the chanting that Sycamoris uses to summon his father. Also, the dialogue is very playful and fun. Absolutely like a loving father and son.

      The vivid descriptions are really great, and I could picture myself in the middle of this place with him.

      ~“Of oak and yew and fallen dew,” his words clicked in his throat, swimming through the air, “of light and night and times of blight…”

      The midnight shadows of the forest quivered. Crackling out of the air, as if emerging from a space between where winds blew and creatures breathed, a ghost of emerald green spiraled into existence.~ (Honestly, all of this is so good. Very visceral in one of the best ways possible.)

      I also love that Sycamoris openly admits that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship or in love. It shows a different side of things, as romantic love is not the end all be all that people say that it is. The advice that his father gives him as well is very solid.

      Critique:

      “No, specifically the opposite(.)” Sycamoris sat down on the mossy ground.

      Overall, this is a very sweet read. You always always find a way to add levity and a bit of whimsy into your stories. I do believe that is a wonderful testament to your writing. I am so very glad that you were able to post this week. I cannot wait to see what’s next.

    2. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      Short and wholesome, love it. I also love how you turned something that might be seen as a feat into a mundane thing. Like a phone call but with more pizzazz and theater. I do question how human and spirit are related but that might be me. loved it.

    3. WolfsbaneX Avatar
      WolfsbaneX

      This is interesting. I think this may be the only time I’ve read about an aromantic character. Or asexual aromantic. Regardless, I love the imagery of something you would think is dangerous to be innocuous. The idea that a ritual is basically a phone call is fun and funny. All around, nice job!

  5. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
    i-prefer-the-term-antihero

    [Removed]

    1. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      Kaylie, I’m giggling as I write this review. The dialogue here is so cute and very silly. I will admit that I don’t know either of these characters very well, but this dynamic is incredibly intriguing. Also, the last line of dialogue is pure gold. Overall, Kaylie, a heartwarming, silly story. Great job!

    2. Oh man, this was so good! Savion is so angsty here, I love it. I really like that the focus on dialogue here really allows you to just dive in to the characters and their emotions. There’s really no scene dressing, but you don’t need it, either.

      ||“Diagnosis: You, my dear boy, have a crush on me.”||

      This is probably my favourite line in the whole piece. It’s so playful and cheery. Poor Savion is freaking out and she’s just as happy as can be.

      This whole piece was excellently done, great job!

    3. As promised, this is the most “I got no idea what’s going on” review you’ll get in your *life*

      I like this. I am entirely confused as to why the POV character seems frozen by fear at the end and I have absolutely not a single gods-damned idea of what the hell is the past that these characters share. But I like this story.

      Writing dialogue like that which feels natural and realistic, especially involving younger characters (I assume they’re kinda young), isn’t easy, but this was really, REALLY well-written.

      Incidentally, this line:
      “I jerked away violently, nearly falling over backwards, staring at her with wide eyes. ”
      This is SO anime – I think I’ve seen that happen a few dozen times, and I’ve never even watched romantic ones!

      So, yeah. I’m left a bit confused at the end, but the journey *towards* the end was pretty enjoyable, even for a cold-hearted Goth who doesn’t like romance stories with happy endings (oh well). Good job!

    4. Kaylie. Ma’am. This is excellent. I love their back and forth. It’s sweet, funny, a bit awkward and SO RELATABLE. It’s also great to see more of Lynai. She’s vulnerable, but also a bit coquettish and mischievous. I also appreciate how gentle she is with Savion, knowing what she knows.

      Poor, poor Savion. He doesn’t even know what’s hit him until it’s too late. My heart aches for his confusion and his desperate need to understand what’s happening, as well as his deep rooted desire to be rid of these emotions. Even if they aren’t foreign to us as humans, they still definitely hurt.

      One would think that his is an overreaction. However, he’s never been human before, and he’s also never felt these types of emotions before. It’s like he is a lovestruck teenager, and he’s found a very poor imitation of an instruction manual, so he tries to navigate through it on his own until he no longer can. In all sincerity, his reactions are quite similar to mine. I had to stop reading for a little bit to process that revelation.

      There is so much care taken from Lyani’s side, and it is beautiful amidst all of the heartache. CONSENT IS EVERYTHING. I’m so thankful that she understands this. More to the point, I love love how she shows him instead of telling him. This speaks of her desire for him without her having to outright say it. It also shows that the trust goes both ways when he allows her to show him.

      I-I wish I knew what it was! I just want to get rid of this feeling! (Sincerely just need a minute. I resonate with this so much. It’s on a fundamental level. I too long to rid myself of the messy, complicated, crippling feelings of wanting a romantic entanglement. I stand with Savion in solidarity.)

      I thought I felt hot before. Now I was on fire. (This line got a genuine cackle out of me. I truly feel for him, but this is so funny.)

      Lynai had just kissed Savion. (Ah, yes. Momentarily stepping outside of his human flesh prison in order to process this miniature existential crisis.)

      “Diagnosis: You, my dear boy, have a crush on me.” (I can really get behind her frankness. Yes, she is coy and aloof when she needs to be, but she doesn’t pull any punches where and when it counts. I love the amount of honesty that she has with Savion. Even more than that, she doesn’t seem to mind one bit that he has feelings for her. Looks like they’re even reciprocity from her perspective.)

      The heat in my veins turned to ice. (This drop here is really great. It’s like instant denial and hatred. Like he is chastising himself and branding himself a fool for DARING to have these human emotions.)

      Outstanding, as always. You are so very wonderful at weaving emotion and action together. It’s not only reactionary, but action, as well. This is very fun and a bit overstimulating (which I sincerely believe is the point) with a hint of anger unearthed at the end.

      I may not always get around to reviewing your stories, but I am never disappointed when I have the amazing opportunity to read them. They are always so fascinating and fun and enjoyable and creative. I am super excited to see what you post next. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this one.

    5. William Maitland Avatar
      William Maitland

      Kaylie, this was frankly adorable. I’m someone naturally more comfortable in horrific writing, as you might’ve gathered from my own submission (thanks again for your review!), so I have a deep respect for people who are able to channel pure sweetness into their writing like this.

      The one line that throws me for a bit of a loop is “I’m really that human?” I know that this is part of a larger universe of yours called “The Ballad of Monsters,” judging by the title, and that context alone lends a lot. But I will need to hunt down more about this universe, because this incredibly human love story has me very interested!

      And my only regret is that this format doesn’t necessarily allow for italics and bold text, because I can practically SEE where it belongs.

      Top marks, you’re doing great!

    6. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      Tagback!

      Ah, you could the snark in this piece with quinine and sell it on the street. This is the good stuff!

      Despite being a dialogue heavy piece, the actions are forefront here and very poignant! I love Savion’s little melodramatic moment and Lynai’s response—while taking advantage—is lovely. I’m very much liking this Beauty and The Beast incarnation.

      Great work!

  6. Lunabear Avatar
    Lunabear

    One Foundation Stone At A Time (Temptation’s Fire)
    By Lunabear (CW: brief description of sexual assault, profanity)

    The memory haunted Zayn: Crystal’s lips crashing against his mid–conversation. After he had politely declined her offer.

    His tongue ran over the phantom ache on his bottom lip where her teeth had drawn blood. Afterwards, he’d run away, crying like a coward.

    He closed his eyes against the shame.

    Was he a man, or was he a MAN?

    LET. IT. GO.

    Zayn’s jaw clenched. A familiar, unwanted heat rose within his silent chest. He deliberately scraped one fang across his tongue. His hiss was nearly feral.

    Hating her wouldn’t change anything.

    “I didn’t think you were the brooding loner type.”

    Zayn swung his gaze to his bandmate.

    Luther ascended the final rungs of the ladder, his usual smirk in place.

    Zayn chuckled despite his turbulent thoughts. “Let’s call this brooding adjacent.”

    Luther sat a few feet away and stretched his long legs out in front of him.

    “So, why are we adjacently brooding?”

    Zayn looked away, biting his lip. “EVERY time I think I’m over it, I see Crystal’s face.”

    “Oh. THAT bitch.” Acid coated Luther’s words. “You know that wasn’t your fault. Right, Z?”

    Zayn’s fingers fidgeted. He took an unnecessary breath. “Do–do you uh, enjoy, you know, your mmmm… activities?”

    A quick, coy smile. “Yeah.”

    “Kis–kissing, too?”

    Sadness invaded Luther’s voice. “You haven’t had many positive, physical experiences, have you, Zayn?”

    “I haven’t had ANY.”

    “I can help with that. If you want.”

    The wind coasted over them as Zayn processed his words.

    It’s Luther. He’s a friend. Family. He’s also–

    “If you don’t want to, that’s fine. Just know that the option is there. At least ONE positive interaction is important. Y’know?”

    Safe.

    Zayn bridged the gap tentatively.

    Luther’s lips were an anchor, and Zayn soon found his own rhythm.

    Pulling back, Zayn caressed his swollen lips with careful fingers.

    Luther catapulted to his feet and over to the ladder within four heartbeats. His heavy boots clanged against the top rung.

    “Hey, Lu?” Zayn’s voice was tender as he stood and watched his friend. “Thanks.”

    Luther smiled then descended.

    Zayn studied the sky with a new understanding.

    1. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      Luna, this story is very cute. I want to give a special shout out to the first few lines between Zayn and Luther, before they start talking about Crystal. The “brooding adjacent” to “adjacently brooding” is a gorgeous play on words. The emotions in this piece are also incredible, and your ending feels perfect. Overall, awesome story, Luna. Great job!

      1. Thank you so very much! I am very glad you enjoyed the word play. It was one of the funner parts about writing this story. I believe that this dynamic between these two guys are my absolute favorite out of all the members of this band. They work so well off of each other, and their platonic chemistry is incredibly sweet. I thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment.

    2. I really, really like how human this story is.

      It’s incredibly relatable, even from the point of view of someone very far removed from the reality of these characters, and, as always, you really let the emotions shine through the prose over the entire piece.

      I particularly like the line “Pulling back, Zayn caressed his swollen lips with careful fingers.”
      It’s such a simple and short line, yet it really lets us understand Zayn’s uncertainty and just how much the previous event is still haunting him.

      Also, the piece stands on its own without much need for context. At most, the line “Zayn swing his gaze to his bandmate” might be a bit odd to people new to the story, as the band itself doesn’t play a role in the story, but I was already aware of them being bandmates (I believe you mentioned it on stream chat last week, or maybe on the aphitheatre), so I can’t tell with complete certainty.

      All in all, really nicely done!

      1. I’m really glad you like these characters. I’m also glad that they come across as human despite their actual nature. I have been waiting to write stories about these characters, as well as the rest of the members of the band. for the better part of 3 years now. So it’s awesome to see a positive reception to them.

        I’m very thankful that Zayn’s confliction and hurt come through. He tends to stay inside his head a lot. I was afraid I went too far one way and not far enough the other way with it. And I’m glad also that the depiction of the assault wasn’t too visceral. I tried to state it as plainly as I could so that it wouldn’t be too harsh.

        I do believe that the line about them being bandmates is just for my own self. I forget that people aren’t as immersed in this story as I am because I’m looking at, and writing, it from my perspective. And I honestly think I just wanted people to know that they were in a band together even though the other members don’t make an appearance in this one. I’m still learning to trim the fat. LOL.

        But I wholeheartedly appreciate your feedback, and I’m so very happy that this made a good impression on you and that the emotions came through and that it felt natural. I really appreciate it; you have no idea. I can’t wait to share more of this particular universe. Thank you, Eddy.

    3. chronicDreamer Avatar
      chronicDreamer

      Very nicely done!
      Since the beginning started everything out so heavy and dark you were able to use Luther’s relationship with Zayn and the first step towards Zayn’s salvation to orchestrate a very sweet and, for me, cathartic scene!
      It really isn’t portrayed much in media for a male to suffer sexual trauma from a female. It is getting more common for more explorations on what it means to be a man, just other stories shy away from using sexual Trauma to frame that question. It was really refreshing for you to explored. I’ve had a similar situation with someone like that too, and though cercomstamces differ, the emotions you evocted were vary spot on.
      It is abveouse you are familiar with your characters here, so I was curious about how this interaction will play out. I’m not sure of either Zayn’s or Luther’s sexual orientations but I belive it would be more impactful if one of thedm or both are not traditional attracted to men. For me itg would make the scene even more deep, calling into question the lines between male friendship and oproperate intimacy places on them. I can quite completely clarify why I feel this way so feel free to ignore me!

      1. I will not ignore you. Thank you so very much for your feedback! I’m so happy that you found catharsis in the scene. It was actually cathartic for me in a way to write. I also like that the transition from dark to uplifting felt natural to you.

        Thank you so very much for mentioning the female sexual assault against male aspect here. That is very much purposeful because in a lot of the media that I’ve seen, almost all of it in fact, if a man is sexually assaulted, then it’s usually played off as a joke or not taken as seriously. And the effects of that trauma certainly are never explored. I don’t know if that’s just me needing to branch out my media net or if it just needs to be explored more, but I’m very thankful that you brought it up. Also, I know that it’s Writing 101 to not use sexual assault when other traumatic things can be used instead, but I think that is because it is mainly, and, unfortunately, commonly, mishandled.

        I am very sorry that you’ve gone through this situation or known someone who’s gone through this situation. I hope you’re doing well and getting the help and recovery that you need. Hugs to you both.

        I love these characters, and I’m very glad that they feel as lived in as they are. They’re just really fun, complex people. Zayn is canonically asexual, although he has not discovered that about himself yet. Hopefully, this will help him understand more about himself. Luther is bisexual with a heavier preference towards men. And I’m very glad that you understand that this is friendship. It’s about one friend giving intimacy to another friend and allowing that friend to have a positive experience.

        Thank you again. I’m very glad I get to talk about this particular duo and this particular arc from Zayn.

    4. This was really good Luna, well done! I like the way the characters play off each other within their dialogue. The emotions of the piece came across very clearly and powerfully as well. ‘Brooding adjacent’ might be my new favourite term, I think.

      The ending was great, I honestly can’t imagine a better way for this piece to have ended. You did an excellent job with this piece, and I really enjoyed reading it!

      1. Awwwwwww! Thank you so very much, Rattus! Zayn and Luther have the closest relationship out of any two people in the band. They are kindred spirits in a way, but they’re also almost total opposites. I love these guys so very much, and I’m very glad to see other people enjoying them, as well.

        Please feel free to add “brooding adjacent” to your repertoire. Lol.

        I’m also very happy that you like the ending. I wanted Zayn’s mental state to be the center of the story, and not the kiss itself. I’m glad I got to show off some of his and Luther’s friendship. Thank you again. So very much.

    5. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      Oh gosh, this was a dark and sad start indeed. The description of the incident was brief, but the violence of it and the marks it left behind, both physically and mentally, are very clear to see. Especially the “Was he a man, or was he a MAN?” line, which very much felt like Crystal’s unwanted echo in his head rather than his own voice.

      And then we see his reaction to Luther a moment later, and it would so easily appear casual at first. It’s probably only cos Luther knows him well enough already to try and delve deeper into the issue at all, and likewise Zayn would probably never share such personal info to most others either.

      In short, it immediately felt like an easy, supportive and safe friendship between the two, and it also made the story feel so much warmer too, once Luther entered the picture. And even when he offers Zayn a kiss, its with plenty of prelude to prepare him for the idea, and with Zayn’s willling consent prioritised throughout before anything sensual happens at all.

      The kiss itself, and the moments after it too, are so much softer in contrast to the harsh sharpness of the scene’s starting moments. It seemed to be a quick moment, but it felt long to me – and likely to Zayn too.

      And I didn’t realise he was outside until the very end! I thought he was just in a dark room of his own at first, and learning that he was actually outside, with the majesty of the sky above, was a lovely reveal to me, even if it was not quite an intentional one.

      Lovely work Luna, a bittersweet tale with a warm and precious ending. <3

    6. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      Tagback!

      I really like this piece, Luna. You’ve handled some iffy subject matter with extreme skill and nailed Zayn’s arch in a lovely way.

      Great job!

  7. chronikDreamer Avatar
    chronikDreamer

    An Appropriate Inappropriate Relationship
    By chronicDreamer

    “Oh! Captain. How can I help you?” Nabi pulled down at her fatigues nervously.

    Victor ducked into her room, scooped Nabi up in one arm and swaddled her as they made their way to the bed.

    “Captain!” Pink light started to crystalize around her, psionic armor manifested reflexively from within the cloth cocoon. “It’s just a few bad dreams.” Heavy bags hung under her eyes. “I’m fine!” She wriggled hopelessly in his hold. “It was inappropriate,” she whimpered, “telling you I feel safer when you’re around…” Before her psychic shell fully closed, Victor kissed Nabi gingerly on the forehead. Nabi’s apprehension faltered, her armor dissipated. Out maneuvered, she buried her face deep beneath cover.

    Cradled against his chest, they settled down for the night. Victor recalibrated his frame to improve Nabi’s comfort: relaxed actuators, softened reactive skin weave, heart tuned to a soothing frequency, and cerebral EM field amplified to jam the invasive harmonics that had induced traumatic nightmares in Nabi’s sleep.

    They had promised Victor he would be able to train his subordinates as he saw fit. That he had the department’s respect as the last super soldier of his age. Just empty words. As soon as they discovered mental trauma amplified the psionic manifestations, they pretended not to receive his reports objecting to their inhuman treatment of his soldiers. Those damn bastards. They really only ever saw him as a weapon. That’s how they see everyone in this unit. They were just the next wave of soldiers to be trained up for global defense. The end justifies the means. A few months ago everyone under his command had all been civilians, only fighting to survive. When his rights were thrown away, at least he was the one who made the decision. They were never given a choice.

    Victor glared at the corner of the room towards the hidden surveillance system. His optics glowed red. A faint sound of metal cutting into stone lightly stored Nabi in her sleep. Victor stroked her hair protectively.

    If they weren’t playing by the rules neither would he.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I really love this setup, Chronic. I am a sucker for a cuddles and protective forehead kisses and fierce love interests who will do just about anything to fight for, not only their romantic partner, but also their friends and comrades. Victor as a character is very engaging and stern. I also really love when military personnel go AWOL for moral justice reasons. In stories, at least.

      Nabi is sweet, and it was very fun reading about how her defenses were stopped by a single kiss to the forehead. I love stuff like that. It’s really adorable and very effective. Admittedly, though, I would have loved to see more of her character here. But I do understand about the word limit.

      I like how you set things up and describe how the military is persisting in being the military by corrupting people and turning out these unfit and untrained soldiers using regular civilians. That is a definite cruelty. I’m curious as to what their specifically being turned into, however. Are they cyborgs? Androids? Are they slowly manifesting cybernetic technology within them? Does it manifest differently for each person? I am also assuming that the deaths are quite horrific, as their bodies can’t properly process everything that’s happening. It’s all so fascinating.

      I honestly have to commend the intimacy. I love romance and intimacy, and I will admit that I thought that this was going to get particularly sexual from the first paragraph. I am very glad that it did not go down that route, however. This is much sweeter and much more cathartic, in my opinion.

      Critique:

      A few commas were misplaced. They could have easily been either semicolons or periods.

      Overall, I really enjoyed the story, and I would love to revisit this particular universe and this storyline and these characters. I would especially love to see more about Nabi. I am excited to see what you post next. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this.

      1. chronicDreamer Avatar
        chronicDreamer

        I appreciate your overwhelming positive review, as always. Your just too kind. Its really nice to read your praise especially because of your level of skill as a writer.
        Sorry about not having more Nebi! But you were right on the money, the word limit stopped me from highlighting her as a character. I’m glad I was able to get you attached to her so fast. The most I could do was attempt to characterize her threw Vitor and her psychic ability, the psy armor.
        This whole universes is actually one of the more rediculuse in my opinion because it originally was a dream. Because of this there is a lot of disparate elements at play: cybernetic modifications, psychic abilities, aliens; which I completely omitted from the prompted.
        Nabi and the rest of Victor’s unite aren’t mechanical at all. The last alien attack, which was just a mass exodus misinterpreted as an invasion, was handled by the old super soldiers. The cyborgs like Victor. When the first aliens were eradicated they escaped psychically into the minds of random humans threw out Earth. Now a new invasion force is coming, a real one this time, but since space travel takes so long they are protecting the frontal assault using psychic manifestations that can only be disrupted by energy weapons, an extremely primitive and underdeveloped technology, or by other psychics, which Nabi and the rest of her platoon are.
        See? Really wild. It feels very B movie, to me at least. But the dream at least let to some cool character ideas even if the world is a little rediculuse.

  8. King_Nix Avatar
    King_Nix

    “Gratitude”
    By King_Nix

    “Help!” Augustina shouted. She tried to stand, but a sharp pain in her leg stopped her. She’d been warned not to play around the palace. There was no telling what state of disrepair areas were – the wall she’d broken through, for instance – or what forgotten hidden chambers there might be – like the one she’d tumbled down a flight of stairs into. The prospect of trying to crawl back up those stairs was unappealing, so she settled with crying for help.

    Sure enough, Augustina soon heard the sound of footsteps. They weren’t coming from upstairs, but some unseen hallway on the opposite side of the chamber. The sound was steady and rang like a huge bell. She grew anxious as the sound approached, and a massive silhouette started to take shape in the darkness. She closed her eyes tight, clutching her ears. The ringing became deafening as whatever it was came closer.

    The banging stopped before her. Hesitantly, she looked up. It was enormously tall with limbs as thick as tree branches. It was clad all in ornate armor and its plumed helm bore a detailed mask, likely the stern visage of the wearer. The giant kneeled down and reached towards her leg. Its hand rested gently there, and a rune upon it glowed for several moments before fading away. He offered his hand to help her up, and no pain shot up her leg as she stood.

    “You’re a Palatine Guard.” Augustina said in wonder. “We thought you were all destroyed.” She’d only read of these mighty golems in history books – great heroes of the Empire granted the honor of serving their king in immortal steel. “What’s your name, venerable one?” The guard’s head tilted, silent. You’ve…forgotten how to speak?” He lowered his head.
    “Well, I am Augustina, heiress to the noble clan Theodosian. I bid you kneel, that I may thank you properly.”
    The Palatine obliged, and Augustina stood upon her tiptoes to kiss the cheek of his death mask.

    A deep sound resonated within him. “Qu-quinntus…Sillviannus, mmy lllady. Plleased to serrve the crownn once again.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Really love the attention grabbing opening, Nix. It sucks the reader right in. I really enjoyed the story. Discuss some spooky atmosphere, and I love the subversion of gigantic, horrific looking monster really turning out to be a gentle being. Very sweet.

      Augustina seems quite headstrong but also a bit reckless. She doesn’t exactly flaunt authority, but she doesn’t stick strictly to the rules, either. She’s a very fun character in that regard. I do appreciate there being consequences to her actions.

      The guard is really cloaked in mystery and darkness. I find the way he speaks at the end quite interesting. That is what happens when isolation for so long takes a hold of you, and you don’t really have anyone to socially communicate with. Definitely can relate, especially given these past 2 years. I do wonder if the first two words he spoke are Latin. They certainly didn’t look English.

      Sure enough, Augustina soon heard the sound of footsteps. They weren’t coming from upstairs, but some unseen hallway on the opposite side of the chamber. (Just no. No to all of this section. Really excellent suspense building.)

      a massive silhouette started to take shape in the darkness. (The description here is a really great. I don’t know if the guard simply walked out of the shadows or he literally manifested from them, but this is really evocative imagery. It’s so good.)

      Critique:

      “You’re a Palatine Guard(,)” Augustina said in wonder.

      The paragraph in the middle where Augustina speaks to him could be broken up a bit more. With it being all squished together, it left it a bit difficult for me to read. But I honestly think that’s just a personal preference and because of my eyes.

      Overall, I really like the story. It’s got some good, tense atmosphere and a spooky setting. I like the hints of the relationship between these two come. It definitely feels very sweet and wholesome. I am actually surprised that there are no religious overtones in this particular piece, as I have grown accustomed to them. It does not detract anything from the story for me, though. That’s just something I wanted to point out. But I am really excited to see what you post next. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this.

      1. The big reason there aren’t as heavy religious tones in this one is because they simply wouldn’t fit the situation. A LOT of the stories I wrote the last couple times centered around my setting involving Arthur, which is supposed to be overtly religious since it deals with the Great Catholic Monarch and the Apocalypse. That and all the ones I submitted recently dealt with Arthur, who’s the Great Monarch, and Francis, who’s an Inquisitor and Demon Hunter, so religious overtones were unavoidable.

        This setting is my fantasy setting. And while the broader work is ostensibly Catholic at heart, the stories that pertain to it are unlikely to really evoke religion openly.

        Thanks for pointing out the issues with that one paragraph, I must have been too busy cutting the story down to notice that I left it like that. Even forgot a quotation mark in a spot, very sloppy of me.

  9. A New Experience
    By MasaCur

    “We should go out for a drink.”

    Famous last words, Andrew thought. They had managed a major arrest, yielding good intelligence against Van Nilsson. It was their most successful operation yet.

    Naturally, Cassidy wanted to celebrate this success, and said so directly.

    “But why?” Andrew asked.

    “Because we deserve it, Andrew. Come on, I know a great pub nearby on Charing Cross Road.”

    Andrew reluctantly agreed, and drove the two of them in his VeloCarriage to the pub. The sign read, “The Hound and Hare,” and it looked like it catered to the working class.

    Cassidy ordered them ales at first, and Andrew insisted on getting them pork pies to keep the alcohol from hitting them as quickly. But after their third pint, Cassidy started ordering gin, and Andrew whiskey, and in the end, the two were staggering out the door.

    “I’ll drive…I’ll drive you back, um, home.” Andrew slurred. He weaved his way over to the steam-powered autocarriage.

    “Andrew!” Cassidy grabbed him by the collar. “You can barely stand. You can’t walk. I don’t think I trust you to drive your WhateverCarriage right now.”

    Andrew stared at her for a few seconds, letting the words sink in. “You have a point.”

    Cassidy negotiated with the driver of a nearby hansom, then grabbed Andrew by the arm, and pulled him to the cab. Andrew helped Cassidy aboard and then climbed in beside her. The driver whipped the horse forward.

    “I am drunk!” Cassidy announced.

    “I can see that. I am too.”

    Cassidy looked at Andrew for several moments. “Do you…do you realise I’ve never kissed a man before?”

    “No, I didn’t.”

    Cassidy leaned forward and pressed her lips to Andrew’s. A few seconds later, she broke the kiss. Andrew was too shocked to react.

    Cassidy had a peculiar look on her face. A confused look, like how a wife would react after her mother-in-law tried to explain her marital duties to her a month after announcing she was pregnant.

    “Well, I don’t see what the commotion is about,” Cassidy said. She closed her eyes, and promptly passed out.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      You already know that I love your stories, Mas. You also already know that anything with Lady Cassidy and Sir Andrew are really going to catch my attention. I’m TOTALLY not biased because I already read this.

      This is a really fun and somewhat funny read. I love Andrew’s apprehension over not wanting to go out for a drink. He definitely seems like the type to not mix business with pleasure that often, and he was right to worry. Cassidy is drinking to forget, it would seem. Or maybe she just REALLY enjoys her drink, which, nothing wrong with that.

      This setting is always fun. I’m also pretty intrigued when they aren’t doing adventure, case related things. It really lets their softer, more vulnerable sides come out. In Cassidy’s case, a lot. As I mentioned before, friends should not let friends kiss drunk. However, I do appreciate Andrew not making a big deal out of it because she was drunk, and he understands that. I think that also shows a level of trust between the two.

      I also laughed at Cassidy being underwhelmed by the kiss. That could be due to her inebriated state, but that also could be because she’s just not interested in kissing or kissing Andrew. Love the nuance and different interpretations this can take. It definitely has me questioning her sexuality.

      I know I’ve mentioned this before as well, but is it bad that I laughed during the kiss? I also laughed when Cassidy passed out, which I hope to the heavens that Andrew caught her before she hit the ground.

      A genuinely sweet story of two partners and friends celebrating a very big break in this long-standing case. Really great stuff. I am super duper excited to see what you post next, as always. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this one.

  10. A Rose and Its Thorn (The Harbinger of Envy)
    by Alexsander Edwards

    Adrian Veidt stood still amidst the vast graveyard. Facing up and receiving the rainfall with his eyes closed as one would receive the waters of baptism. To all onlookers, he seemed alone, perhaps lost. They were partially right on the latter, but, for better or worse, he would never be alone.

    “Fifty years,” he thought – not to himself, but to the creature who shared his mind like an unwanted tenant: Abennon.

    No sooner had Adrian thought those words than the creature’s ugly, shark-like smile appeared in his mind’s eye. Taunting him in silence with its cracked, bone-like face.

    “For fifty years I’ve suffered you,” Adrian continued. “So many dead and gone, yet I remain.”

    “Yet you remain young and healthy!” the demon vexed his host with an ever-enlarging grin. “You’re as virile and strong as you were when we first met, even though you should be a decrepit old man by now! I would dare say that my powers give you exactly what you want right now, don’t they?”

    Adrian took a deep breath and, having long since ditched his priestly clothes – which seemed more and more like they had belonged to a different person with each passing day – shook the water from his blue military fatigues, acquired when the generals of Teriand mistook his demonic abilities for the powers of their own false idol and conscripted him on the spot. The ability to manipulate blood was not only a powerful weapon in and of itself, but had proven to be an extremely effective fear tactic over the decades.

    “No,” he retorted against the demon within, looking down at the gravestone before him. “No they do not, you foul thing.”

    He could sense the demon grin one more time as he turned and walked away with a tear rolling down his cheek and the thoughts of the one thing he wanted the most flooding his mind. Perhaps the bringer of envy had won against his conviction in the end.

    The best he could do now was forget the name etched onto the tombstone: Rose Veidt.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      So Abennon is the demon’s name! Pretty wicked, Eddy! I love that Adrian’s not aging because of the demon. It is quite interesting because it is passed by in the blink of an eye, and the things that he has done within that time span feel like an afterthought or a background to what’s currently happening. I like the knowledge that it’s lingering there in his mind alongside Abennon. It’s little details like that that genuinely elevate and make or break a story for me personally.

      This story is bitterness on top of sadness. Reading through it, I really like how you connect the story to the title in a very subtle way. With Rose, Adrian’s wife, being dead, that is a thorn that Adrian will never be able to remove. Because she isn’t immortal and has passed away.

      I’m not sure if this was intentional or just because of the word count, but I like that you left the prompt up to interpretation. One way to look at it is that he will never have any more kisses with his wife. No more single pecks on the cheeks or a lingering, passionate kiss on the lips, or a protective kiss on the forehead. Another way to look at it is that Rose has received the kiss of death while Adrian is damned to wander the Earth without her.

      You are really good at evoking some of the more negative human emotions. I also enjoy the malicious glee in which Abennon delights. It’s a macabre sort of fun. Import Adrian it’s just worn down by this point. I also think that it’s fascinating that his wife’s death has left him more drained and more heartbroken and downtrodden than being in this war because some worshipers thought he was blessed by their deity. I think that is a really great testament to his character and how connected they were and how much he loved her.

      Very great story. This is honestly developing into one interesting parasitic relationship. I would love to see more of this particular duo and the storyline. I wholeheartedly look forward to what you post next. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this.

    2. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      Tagback!

      Eddy, you NAILED the emotional impact of this piece. It hits hard early and keeps at it, has a great structure, and the resolution is beautifully wrought.

      I really like the use of his mind’s eye as a vehicle for the demon’s expressions. Possession is a difficult thing to express, but you did it well.

      Great job!

  11. You’re Making This Weird (Illusions of Heroes)
    by Gerrit (Rattus)

    “Okay, let me get this straight. At the end of the performance, we have to kiss?” Emrys stared at Niri with an incredulous look on his face. The flickering campfire cast dancing shadows across her face, intermingling with the feather pattern tattooed around her eyes, giving the impression of a hawk watching him from across the flame.

    Emrys was consistently impressed with the skill of the artists here on the islands. The feathers were so detailed, the only reason he could see the rune was because he knew to look for it.

    “It’s really not a big deal. What are you so worried about?”

    What was he worried about? Well for starters, he had never kissed a girl before. What if he liked it?

    That was a stupid question. Of course he was going to like it. That was the whole problem. They’d end the performance with the kiss, and then life would go back to normal and he’d have to pretend it was nothing.

    “What if people get the wrong idea?” Emrys fought the urge to scratch at his forearm. The tattoo was still fresh, and he didn’t want to risk damaging it. But Gods did it itch.

    “The wrong idea? Emrys, this is a traditional play. People are going to get the wrong idea if we don’t end it with a kiss.” Niri rose from her seat and circled around the fire, taking a seat next to him.

    She put her hand over his, and her skin was somehow even warmer than the fire. Emrys looked at the sea turtle inked on the back of her hand for a moment before her voice called his attention away.

    Before he even had a second to think, her lips were on his. A fleeting moment, and it was over almost as soon as he realised it was happening.

    She looked at him with a smirk on her face. “See? That wasn’t so bad.”

    Emrys swallowed hard. “Yeah. Not so bad.”

    1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      There you go again, making a title so good I gotta say that before I actually read the story XD

      The feather tattoo sounds so pretty. Though, at the same time, I’m curious why she’d choose to get the rune on her face, because it’s so noticeable. Did she get to choose where it was placed? Do a lot of people get it on their faces?
      And does she have two runes? The turtle and the feathers?

      “What if he liked it?
      That was a stupid question. Of course he was going to like it. That was the whole problem. They’d end the performance with the kiss, and then life would go back to normal and he’d have to pretend it was nothing.”
      –Okay I love this XD It made me chuckle the first time I read it they were so cute and funny and fluffy.

      “Emrys fought the urge to scratch at his forearm. The tattoo was still fresh, and he didn’t want to risk damaging it. But Gods did it itch.”
      –Iiiiinteresting. I’d like to learn more about these tattoos, and what Emrys’ is of.

      “The wrong idea? Emrys, this is a traditional play. People are going to get the wrong idea if we don’t end it with a kiss.”
      –Okay she makes a good argument there.
      Though the image of them not kissing in a play where everybody knows the characters kiss is rather hilarious. She’s right, it totally would give the wrong impression.
      It’s like going to see Sleeping Beauty and then he wakes her up with true-loves-hug XD

      The ending was very cute too!! Part of me wanted to him react more hilariously (like Emrys internally going”Oh no… I totally did like it.” XD) but I love “Yeah. Not so bad.” as the ending too.

      Wonderful job!!

    2. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      Tagback!

      This is a lovely piece, a bit of a convention in some stories, but very well executed.

      “Yeah, not so bad.” — HHAHAHHAHAHA. Great ending! I especially liked the foreshadowing that went into this joke (‘What if he liked it?’ Well, he clearly did.)

      I really like the setting elements here. The tattoos and traditional dances could be anywhere, but knowing it’s set on islands brings a Polynesian influence to mind and I am so very ready for that.

      Great job!

    3. I love the way you weave tales, Rattus. Emrys seems like a very emotional person who cares about deep connections. He also seems to be a very worried individual.

      There is a certain sweetness to this story. There’s also an innocence here that I really enjoy. The setting of a campfire really gives it a cozy feeling. I feel that the kiss means more to Emrys than it does to Niri.

      He tries so very hard to dismiss it as a simple touch of the lips. However, given his earlier apprehension in the story and the way he replies at the end, it is very clear that he’s going to be thinking about it far more often than he would like to.

      giving the impression of a hawk watching him from across the flame. (I love this description so very much.)

      Overall, definitely a sweet story. And an intriguing one. I definitely want to see more, please. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this. I can’t wait to see what you post next.

    4. “Well for starters, he had never kissed a girl before. What if he liked it?
      That was a stupid question. Of course he was going to like it. That was the whole problem. They’d end the performance with the kiss, and then life would go back to normal and he’d have to pretend it was nothing.”

      As someone eternally single at age 29: that’s a mood.

      I really enjoyed the character interactions, as is usual with your pieces (at least the ones I’ve seen on stream). I am wondering whether Emrys swallowed hard at the end because he liked it and didn’t want to make a big deal out of it or whether that actually didn’t help his fears at all.

      “She put her hand over his, and her skin was somehow even warmer than the fire. ”

      I really liked this detail, too. I’d imagine his anxiety and nervousness helped him just notice it much more, but it also brings a sense that the character of Niri being warm in a sense of welcoming.

      And, of course, a damn good title as always.

  12. William Maitland Avatar
    William Maitland

    A Visit in the Night
    By William Maitland

    Timmy’s heart pounded behind his ribcage like a barbarian at the gate. His eyes snapped open, and he was suddenly aware of his total inability to move. He was frozen in his bed, and the sensation itself was enough to incite panic.

    Then the strange one came.

    Slinking from the narrow shadow behind the open door, it seemed to make itself manifest in the thin ray of light. A walking shadow. It stood impossibly tall and impossibly thin, needing to arch a tad downward to fit into the room. Eyes, or some approximation to them, formed in what must’ve been the head. Twin motes of foggy, milky white, dim as distant candles, stared at him.

    He tried to struggle, to bolt for the window perhaps, but he couldn’t even budge. Strapped to the bed by his own paralytic fear, he couldn’t even scream. All he could do was sweat, eyes wide open, unable to look away.

    It glided toward him, and spoke in his mind. The voice sounded almost feminine. Nurturing. But dripping with poison.

    “Are you in there?”

    The question should’ve been stupid. She was staring right at him, of course he was in here. But he knew she wasn’t referring to his room.

    “You are afraid. Shaking. Please, do not fear me.”

    This only deepened the chill of his terror.

    “You are… not ready to walk by my side. That is okay. Very few are.” She knelt over him, nearly face to face. Nothing about her seemed solid. “I will come back for you soon, then. I love you.”

    The shadow planted itself on Timmy’s face, in a horrid facsimile of a mother’s goodnight kiss. A scream roared into his throat. Sensation started leaving his limbs. He felt his lungs shrivel and his heartbeat slow, slow, go dead…

    “NO!” He snapped up in his bed, soaked in cold sweat. His breath was ragged and raspy, his heart pounding once more. He moved his hands in front of his eyes, to make sure he still could.

    In the dark of early morning, Timmy wept.

    1. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      This is an interesting piece. Timmy seems both young and old, juvenile and adult. The setting is vague and anachronistic; it could be tomorrow or 10,000 years ago. The building mightn’t even be a house. All this leads me to think Timmy is in his early adolescence, a confused world for a confused body. He’s not quite ready to let go of childlike pleasures (mother’s kiss) but old enough to understand the concepts and implications behind the initial meaning.

      I have one piece of critique: the opening metaphor is very strange. Either it sets up the time period or Timmy’s interests, or it’s a confused turn of phrase the piece. It doesn’t tie directly to anything we see, which leads me to think it’s the latter, but I’m curious which you intended.

      Good work!

    2. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Ooooh, this is fascinating!!

      I like the twist on the prompt. It’s interesting because it’s a dark scene, but the kiss itself wasn’t merely the act of a terrible monster. The creature seemed to genuinely care for him.

      I’m very curious if she’s evil, despite the kindness of her words, or if she’s good, despite the darkness of her nature.

      “Timmy’s heart pounded behind his ribcage like a barbarian at the gate”
      –I love this image. It can be tough to do non-cliche heart-pounding images, and I think you accomplished it.

      I wonder if this is supposed to be an image of sleep paralysis, or if there’s something more magical going on.

      I like that he calls her “The Strange One.” Not “The Monster” or “The Shadow.” Almost like he hasn’t entirely judged her yet–she’s not a monster, she’s just strange.
      It also makes it sound like this isn’t the first time she’s come to him.

      I like the way you describe the shadow!!

      “Strapped to the bed by his own paralytic fear,”
      –Great image. I really like the verb “strapped” here.

      “Are you in there?”
      The question should’ve been stupid. She was staring right at him, of course he was in here. But he knew she wasn’t referring to his room.”
      –This is absolutely fascinating. I also like that that’s the first thing she says, it’s very soft.

      I’m left with so many questions (in a good way). I wonder how old he is, if she has come to him before, and will come again–and if so, how often? What she means by few being ready to walk by her side–what it even means to walk by her side. If her love for him is genuine, or something more parasitic.

      I wonder if this could be his mother, who died. That she wants to be with him again. I don’t really have the context to know, and “few are” implies that she goes to more people than just him…still, it is the only theory I have XD

      Great job!! I really liked this!!

    3. Kon, it’s great to have you back! This is one heck of a scary story! I got mad Crooked Man vibes from this. I have no idea if that was intentional, but I am here for it! I just want to wrap my arms around Timmy and protect him from this ghastly thing.

      This atmosphere drips and oozes with maliciousness. The fact that this creatures boys is feminine, and it speaks sweet words only heightens the fear and terror. I had chills running all through my spine throughout the entirety of the story. I honestly think that you should write children’s horror. It’s REALLY good.

      The entity itself is shrouded in mystery. I would like to see more of it. Not necessarily know the origins of it, but see more of what it can do. It seems quite gentle on the surface, but it is only in the darkest moments about humanity that we get to know our truest monsters.

      I love that you wrote that it was a facsimile, an imitation, of a kiss. That part seemed to me to be an act, a facade. It did not truly mean the kiss, nor did it feel genuine when the entity told Timmy that it loved him. That was simply something to Garner his trust or maybe steepen his fear. Or maybe it was planting the seed for something far more sinister. I love the notions of ambiguity and mystique. They allow the imagination to conjure up all sorts of terrifying things.

      I have nothing except praise for your story. Visceral, dark emotions elicited. If I had to have a critique, I wish it were longer so that we could explore this world more. I am so happy to see you riding again, and I hope you have been well. Thank you so very much for sharing this. I cannot wait to see what you write next.

  13. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
    RVMPLSTLTSKN

    The Meaning of a Kiss
    By RVMPLSTLTSKN (The Saga of The Deep One’s Wake)

    He smiled cruelly, “niekas.”

    She scowled and he knew he’d won.

    “You are a woman of the world, wanderer. Surely you understand what must come.” He said this not for her, but for the youthful zealots holding her. She looked like she knew it.

    “There are many aspects to a person,” she replied. “Just as a word can have several meanings, a person can have several names.”

    “Then those names are meaningless,” Osareph said, flat and powerful. “There is a purity to clear speech. A ‘dog’ is vague, but a ‘bitch’ is quite clear. Here, we value that purity.”

    “Dogs are common.”

    He admired the challenge she presented him, coming to his seat and threatening his position. “So are bitches.”

    Her eyes flared. “I think you’re wrong, priest. Words on their own hold no power.”

    “No?”

    “But words with context craft a spelling like you’ve never written.”

    Osareph laughed, “Demonstrate.”

    “‘There once was a wanderer who came from nowhere—.’”

    “Stories are for children,” Osareph said.

    “These two look plenty young to me.”

    Osareph looked again at her arresters. They were brothers, he thought. They stood alike in that way all fervent youngsters do, cocksure and unfamiliar with doubt. “Yes, maturation is swifter since that rapturous cull. The blessings of modernity for the faithful. But you were demonstrating. Do so without anecdotes.”

    “Without stories, life is dull.”

    “No. Anecdotes distract from the message. That is the point of argument. Speak purely what you mean. If you don’t know what you mean, speak not.”

    She laughed at him.

    “‘The Wanderer’s name was Klajonas and he was a man torn by myriad desires. In the end, he found peace only by choosing one path over all others. A kiss—’”

    “This is the trouble with anecdotes; there are unnecessary elements. This man is striving to either make himself essencial, yet this device is extraneous.”

    “When is a kiss only a kiss?” She asked, coily.

    He sneered and leaned close to her, whispered,—“When it is meaningless”—and pressed his mouth against hers.

    She bit him and spat bloodily, “Divine that meaning.”

    1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Me in the first part of this story: so Osareph is the good guy here, right? I like a lot of his dialogue
      You: No no he’s a monster too
      Me in this part of the story: *deep breath* This bitch needs to die
      XD

      I’m not surprised direct continuations of earlier stories aren’t used often here, as they kinda by default can’t stand alone, but reading this makes me wish they were more common. It was so fun to see the ending line of an earlier story start this one and to pick up where we left off.

      “ There is a purity to clear speech. A ‘dog’ is vague, but a ‘bitch’ is quite clear. Here, we value that purity.”
      “Dogs are common.”
      He admired the challenge she presented him, coming to his seat and threatening his position. “So are bitches.”
      —*Takes a minute to compose herself*
      This is some great writing. A very powerful idea. partially *because* of how mean it is. I like the crassness of “it’s important to use the proper word, even if—and partially because—it’s cruel.”

      I love the whole part about stories being for children, and about the arresters youth, and how people have to grow up fast in this world. And that Klajonas isn’t entirely ignoring the others in the room.
      “They stood alike in that way all fervent youngsters do, cocksure and unfamiliar with doubt.” Was an especially cool line.

      “Do so without anecdotes.”
      “Without stories, life is dull.”
      “No. Anecdotes distract from the message. That is the point of argument. Speak purely what you mean. If you don’t know what you mean, speak not.”
      —love this interaction. It’s very cool to think about, and makes her more lovable and him less XD
      I think I’m starting to understand that stories are at the core of who Klajonas is, which I think is really cool.

      “This man is striving to either make himself essencial”
      —I’m very confused by this. (I’m assuming you meant “essential” but i was confused what it meant even so). I feel like the dialogue would make a lot more sense without it…

      “He sneered and leaned close to her, whispered,—“When it is meaningless”—and pressed his mouth against hers.”
      —*Gags in the corner*
      *Gives you a weak thumbs up*
      Must say, he made his point there, both in what he said and on demonstrations without anecdotes. A powerful use of the prompt.

      I’m curious, was there always a kiss in the wanderers story? Or was it added for this story? I’m wondering what the ending of that part of the wanderers story would have been—what the kiss meant there.

      Great job!!

    2. This is really dark – and *really* fascinating (also, hey, I remembered what “niekas” meant, for once!)

      The power dynamic here is really… well… powerful, as the dialogue hits in just the right ways, both good and bad. The entire thing is disconcerting in what is clearly a very deliberate and incredibly well-executed manner, with the female character (I take it she’s Klajonas?) always feeling like an underdog, yet one who bites back (quite literally, by the end).

      The villain is, admittedly, pretty damn gross (as is the case whenever sexual assault is employed to showcase a villainous character), but it works in this story without making it unbearably grimdark, which is a tight balancing act (albeit one that I’m curious as to how you’ll maintain in future stories involving him).

      My main criticism is the same as Antihero’s: the line “This man is striving to either make himself essencial, yet this device is extraneous” feels… odd. I’m gonna go on a limb and guess that something was removed here in the process of making it fit 350 characters, since we get an “either” but not an “or” in there, which might’ve been cut without the realization that the word “either” remained. In the end, I, personally, took that line to mean “This man is striving to make himself useful, yet this (storytelling) device is extraneous,” I hope that was your intention.

      All in all, minor blip in a very good “her0-meets-villain” scene (… is she a hero? I’m second-guessing myself, now…)!

    3. Man, I had a feeling this guy sucked, but this really cemented it in. I like that she hardly even seems like she’s taking him seriously. She comes across as being very sure of herself and her safety in this scenario, which I quite like. The last line especially was really good, a perfect way to end this piece.

    4. I love the tension in this story, Drake. Despite being surrounded by enemies, niekas refuses to back down, solidifying her in my mind as a badass character. I appreciate her determination and her spite.

      Osareph is a very smug bastard, and I cannot stand him. He has that supreme superiority complex where just because a situation is going in his favor, then he feels that he holds all the power. He’s either not accounting for or doesn’t believe that the power dynamic can shift. He’s also just so narrow-minded and unimaginative. He’s insufferable.

      The kiss is obvious and disgusting. It is very quick, but still reprehensible as all get out. I know you said you did that to show that he is a slimeball, but I just have to add an extra layer of “skeevy” on top. Because to me, that shows more of his arrogance and wanting to possess power. To me, kissing someone without permission or when they clearly don’t want it is a power move, and it’s a gross one at that.

      I also like to think that niekas has Osareph rethinking some things about how he views life. That’s the reason he kissed her like that, I surmise. She challenged his worldview, and he couldn’t take it because he is a very vain, spiteful, insecure little man.

      ~“Dogs are common.”

      He admired the challenge she presented him, coming to his seat and threatening his position. “So are bitches.”~ (Just screw this dude, man. There was absolutely no reason for that level of disrespect.)

      She bit him and spat bloodily, “Divine that meaning.” (Certified badass. I cheered out loud while reading this part.)

      You did a fabulous job with the story. Some really great character developments, for protagonist and antagonist alike. Your stories are always are fun to decipher and interpret. Lots of think pieces. I’m very glad that you got to write the story and share it. I cannot wait to see what you post next time.

    5. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      I don’t recall the first part of this story very well, but oh boy, is Osareph a not nice person. And not just generically – he’s the very specific kind of asshole that tries to debate people so he can ‘win’ with his own rhetoric, while disallowing or invalidating any form of discourse that isn’t the style he’s trained at ‘winning’ with. And of course, he uses that to make himself seem superior to those he thinks of as lesser than him and his followers.

      Needless to say, I very much enjoyed that guy getting his smug mouth bitten and having his blood presumably spat all over his face. He may have the power over the situation still, but even if he responds with violence in return, he’s now been humiliatingly dragged down to her level, rather than holding a position above her. I’ll definately be interested to see how this scene resolves in the future. Good work! ^w^

  14. Calliope Rannis Avatar
    Calliope Rannis

    The Kiss That Broke Everything (Nyssa’s Story)
    By Calliope Rannis

    Nyssa remembered her fortieth birthday.

    She remembered how giddy, how excited she had felt.

    Memories of grabbing her best friend Allina’s hand, and almost dragging her across the parks and coastline of Renovaire, pointing out plants and bugs and talking energetically about anything and everything with her.

    She remembered how happy, how certain she had been.

    She had invited Allina to dinner, like they so often did together. Not normally at a place so expensive, but this was a special occasion.

    She remembered how nervous she felt.

    She had stood to lean over the dining table, caressing Allina’s face with her hands as her lips pressed against her friend’s – until they jerked away from her like a hangman’s noose pulling taut.

    There was this awful, long silence, as they both stared at each other with a kind of horror.

    Allina was first to speak, after a deep breath. “Why? Why did you do that?”

    “I-I…I, thought you would…like it?”

    “Since when have I ever liked kissing? From anyone?”

    “Well uh, I mean, I’m not just anyone-”

    “Nyssa, you didn’t even ask.”

    Her mouth was going dry. “Look, I’m sorry for that okay? It’s only because, I’ve been feeling really close with you, and-”

    “Oh, it’s been close alright. What with how often you keep touching me. Seriously, it’s been getting overwhelming lately.”

    Nyssa’s jaw dropped. “Wh-what? You didn’t – why didn’t you say anything?”

    Allina’s body tensed. “Because you are my best friend, that’s why. I enjoy our walks and conversations, and I tolerated you every time you touched me because-”

    “Tolerated?”

    “-I didn’t want to make things…awkward.”

    “You TOLERATED me?” Nyssa almost screamed, her throat tightening with anger.

    “No – no, that is not what I meant at all-”

    But ‘tolerated’ had already been burnt into her mind, and had already shattered her heart.

    She knew there were other things they said to each other that evening. Hurtful, painful, broken things.

    But she decided to be kind to herself, and opened her eyes to the present once more.

    One painful memory at a time. The rest can wait for another day.

    1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Ahh I should have guessed this is the scene you would go with!
      My heart though!! 😣 Poor Nyssa!! Like she didn’t just get rejected…it was so much worse than that. And from the first(?) person she felt such closeness with too…I just know this utterly devastates her.

      This whole scene feels so real. I’ll go into some specifics later but the whole thing feels so relatable and like something that could happen to anyone, which makes it tug on the heart strings even more.

      The happiness of the beginning is very well done (and helps to drive home the pain of the ending more). I like all the specifics of what they do together.

      I like the structure of “she remembered.” It kinda makes you feel like there’s a beat drop coming. It adds this air of bittersweet melancholy to have her looking back. Whereas it would have been more dramatic to just describe it in the moment.

      “ She remembered how happy, how certain she had been.”
      —this is one of the lines that feels so real. Maybe not with regards to a romantic context, but I certainly know what it feels like to be utterly certain…and then have that come crashing down, and how hard it is.

      “She had invited Allina to dinner, like they so often did together.”
      —I really like the detail that they do this often. Without it it could seem like “ooh a date!” But showing that this is perfectly natural hammers home the beauty and purity and ease of the relationship before. It also shows both why Nyssa thought it was an okay next step, and also why Allina was caught so off guard.

      “She remembered how nervous she felt.”
      —Also so real. Those nerves are supposed to be followed be a cute romantic scene…not the very thing those nerves fear.

      “ until they jerked away from her like a hangman’s noose pulling taut.”
      —Probably my favorite line. My gosh what a powerful image. It shows that no matter how strong the pulling back motion actually was, Nyssa felt that motion violently. And not just the pulling, but the noose comparison is so strong and dark it alone carries with it “everything just went more wrong than I ever thought it could, life will never be the same, I may as well be dead.” (I mean, as Victor would say, this *is* a spiritual death after all… though certainly it the good kind).

      “ There was this awful, long silence, as they both stared at each other with a kind of horror.”
      —And you just know the horror is the complete opposite between them.

      “Why? Why did you do that?”
      “I-I…I, thought you would…like it?”
      “Since when have I ever liked kissing? From anyone?”
      “Well uh, I mean, I’m not just anyone-”
      “Nyssa, you didn’t even ask.”
      —I love this interaction. (Well, love/hate it because its sad too). It feels so raw, and it makes a lot of sense, and I can honestly really sympathize with both sides.
      “Nyssa, you didn’t even ask.” Feels like such a beat drop. Because yeah, of course Nyssa wanted to be cute and romantic and surprise her…but at the same time, she really should have known to ask.

      “But ‘tolerated’ had already been burnt into her mind, and had already shattered her heart.”
      —Another part that’s incredibly relatable. I’ve certainly had moments like that, where the other person really doesn’t mean it how I took it but…it doesn’t matter. The worst idea has already been branded on my mind.

      As I’m typing out my thoughts, I’m realizing a lot of the realness and relatability of the scene, as well as the sadness of it, is that both positions are so understandable. I can put myself in each of their shoes and understand each of their horrors in the scene, despite those horrors being on opposite sides of the spectrum.

      I really really loved this piece. Wonderful job!!

    2. William Maitland Avatar
      William Maitland

      PSA: Always communicate your boundaries clearly with your friends!

      Augh, the sting of this memory is so palpable! I don’t know how old Nyssa is in the “present” of this story, but to have such a painful memory on her fortieth and still have it so vividly in her mind, man… it was legitimately a gut-punch. We’ve all had our moments of misunderstanding and miscommunication, and it always hurts so much to see it illustrated with such unflinching realism.

      Masterful job carrying us through one of Nyssa’s defining moments. This feels like a real interaction between two people, something I feel like I struggle with in my own writing sometimes. Keep up the good work!

      1. Calliope Rannis Avatar
        Calliope Rannis

        Thank you for your review! 🙂

        The ‘present’ Nyssa is about 54-56 I think. So it’s an older memory, but not so far away either. I am glad the scene and dialogue felt real to you though, that is always lovely to hear. :3

        It was a very defining moment for her indeed – and it took me a good while to make my character writing feel like that too I think. You’ll get there too in time! 🙂

    3. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      Calliope, this piece is like being punched in the delicates. “Tolerated” is such an ugly word between intimates and Nyssa’s pain is one we readers are highly sympathetic to.

      The time skip is well done. You’re really leaning into more experimental pieces lately and it’s working for you. Keep it up and good work!

    4. Oh man, this one hurt. I feel like I should have known it was going to go to that kind of a place, but I really didn’t see it coming. The emotion came across in the dialogue so well, I could really feel Nyssa’s pain. The atmosphere setting was really good too, it complimented the piece extremely well.

      All around this was really well done, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!

    5. chronicDreamer Avatar
      chronicDreamer

      I got exactly what I came for. An intense emotional response! Such a heart breaking but enthralling focus for the prompted. You really make me feel for Nyssa.
      My favorite part of this, actually, was how you structured everything! I am a poor critique but I feel like I know when something works. The beginning narrative followed by a focus on dialogue and then back to introspective narration really worked for this scene. Honestly, with how you use punctuation I forgot you used descriptive text between the dialogue. I really like this style! It at least really works well for flash backs.
      It seems like the bulk of the core story will be looking back. This could just be flashbacks are easier to put on display when restricted by word count. In my opinion, you have a really good writing style to tell this story I really hope you get published soon!

    6. Oof, Calliope! Right through the heart with this one! I have been on the receiving end of where people have tolerated me. Except it was through inference and not outright spoken.

      Feelings are complicated and messy. I understand that. However, Nyssa DEFINITELY should have asked before acting on the impulse. Although, you do a splendid job of bringing out her outrage. While both sides express hostility and anger, I believe both are justified in their reactions. There isn’t a villain here, simply some ROUGH miscommunication and impulse.

      Allina rightfully tells Nyssa about how improper the kiss was while also outlining WHY it was improper. I also love that she lays down her own boundaries. I would love to see more of people stating their boundaries and said boundaries being respected in writing all together come honestly. However, she doesn’t do a super good job of picking her words due to the unexpected action and her resulting emotions, which is realistic and understandable.

      Nyssa being angry and hurt by the harsh of the rejection and the poor word choice is also believable. No one ever wants to be simply “tolerated”. Unless they have just had one of the worst lives possible and any kind of attention does them good. However, that’s not the case with Nyssa. Someone she had developed feelings for rebuffing her in such a brutal way does hurt. The hurt of the rejection is bad enough; adding anger and hostility on top of that is just gasoline to the fire. However, this does not excuse the fact that she kissed someone without permission or knowledge.

      With unsolicited and non-consensual kisses, because this kiss IS both, a level of trust is broken. And trust is one thing that is nearly impossible to rebuild in the same way once it’s gone. The same level of comfortability and easy-goingness and understanding that was prevalent in the relationship is no longer going to be there, if there is any left at all after the fallout. Portraying is indeed a tough line to walk, but I believe you demonstrated that excellently without having to force it.

      Unrequited love can make us do some of the worst things, whether we believe ourselves capable of them or not, and whether we wanted to do them or not. Great story, Milady, as always. You always do such fabulous character development. I am super excited to see what you post next. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this.

    7. I’m not fully familiar with your characters yet, so I can’t say what this means in the grand scheme of things, but I can say this is very relatable. The reactions are all very natural and exactly what you’d expect would happen in such an awkward moment.

      Beyond that, every little bit of added detail also adds impact and needed context to understand the effect of this exchange in the minds of the characters.

      I particularly enjoyed the use of the word “tolerated” there. As someone obsessed with the idea of proper communication (see: my job), the way that little poorly-phrased comment snowballs into a huge scar in Nyssa’s psyche feels emblematic of the issues often faced by a lot of people, especially teenagers and young adults who are still figuring the world out.

      Very nicely done, good job!

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