Writing Group: A Strange Illness

Hello, Doctors and Virologists!

You’ve been sick before, haven’t you? Were you able to identify it right away? How many medical professionals did you visit before discovering the answer? Well, I think it’s about time for a checkup, because…

This week’s Writing Group prompt is:

A Strange Illness

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single person in the world who hasn’t gotten sick at some point in their lives. Whether it be from allergies, chronic conditions, or rampant sicknesses like the flu, we’re bound to catch something at some point or another.

For most of those things, we know what to do and how to handle them. For a cold or flu, we take some medicine and do our best to either prevent or break a fever. For allergies, we have antihistamines and other little bits like eye drops, nasal sprays, and throat sprays.

But what happens when a disease is unidentifiable? What if one was to fall ill with a sickness that defied all logic and science? Perhaps this disease is the kind that makes you burp bubbles of all different colours, or it causes you to shoot up into the air when you sneeze. Maybe it messes with your molecular structure and suddenly your skin is like diamonds, glass, rubber, or a kind of slimy gelatin. What if it makes you near vampiric in sunlight sensitivity, or it just slowly petrifies you from the inside out?

It may not even be a physical illness like a virus, but could be something that affects different parts of the brain. Perhaps a person who can seem entirely normal in the day has frequent episodes of sundowning, or maybe they have all kinds of hallucinations or memory malfunctions, both of which can make every day life far more difficult than it used to be. Maybe the illness causes things in the brain to misfire or behave differently, causing either compulsive movements and twitches, or even temporarily erasing all inhibitors and unlocking unbelievable strength in a person.

Or it could even be something only thought of in movies and stories. A single bite or scratch from a sick person is all it takes for it to spread, polluting the body and causing one to fall into a state of undeath. A bite and transmission of blood from a carrier mutates the body into a bloodthirsty, unstoppable nocturnal creature. An interstellar body that can infect and change an entire planet, using that planet to then spread its creatures and plagues to its next target planet… possibly even our own.

So, ready to dive into worlds and pathogens unknown? I hope so. Diseases don’t exactly wait for us to be ready for them. So grab your microscope and lab coat, and let’s see what kinds of bizarre ailments you can cook up.

—Shawna

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

Tune into the stream this Saturday at 3:00pm CST to see if you made the cut!

The whole purpose of this is to show off the creativity of the community, while also helping each other to become better writers. Lean into that spirit! Get ready not just to share what you’ve got, but to give back to the other writers here as well.

Rules and Guidelines

We read at least four stories during each stream, two of which come from the public post, and two of which come from the much smaller private post. Submissions are randomly selected by a bot, but likes on your post will improve your chances of selection, so be sure to share your submission on social media!

  1. Text and Formatting

    1. English only.
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    3. Use proper spelling, grammar, and syntax.
    4. Your piece must be between 250-350 words (you can use this website to see your wordcount).
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  2. What to Submit

    1. Keep submissions “safe-for-work”; be sparing with sexuality, violence, and profanity.
    2. Try to focus on making your submission a single meaningful moment rather than an entire story.
    3. Write something brand new; no re-submitting past entries or pieces written for other purposes
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Comments on this post that aren’t submissions will be deleted, except for replies/reviews left on existing submissions.


Comments

131 responses to “Writing Group: A Strange Illness”

  1. Killerclutch Avatar
    Killerclutch

    Someone’s Gotta Do It
    by Killerclutch

    They hung in rows, and with repeated yanks of the chain the caretaker, Harry, carted them along their tracks toward the furnace.

    “Out of sight, out of mind.” he liked to remind himself. In this line of work keeping your hands, and – most crucially – your mind steady, was crucial.

    It would be safe to assume that the worst thing was the smell. Under regular circumstances, you would be right. The J. Gooding Removal Company understood this and flooded the rooms and halls of the factory with a drowning stench of sulphur. He wouldn’t curse them though – the company was uncorrupt, even considerate, as far as he could tell, taking their morbid task with the utmost resolution given the situation, regardless of the generous fee granted by the mysterious Ministry of Disposal. Disposal indeed.

    However, it wasn’t the smell. It was the damn sight of it. The cadavers did little to hide the inhuman excretions seeping through, colours of an unearthly dichotomy of amber and azure in blotches across the material. But worst of all, and with every workday tugging more at Harry’s sensibilities, was the rare but sudden, meandering expulsions from the bodies. Harry was a man of grit. Of faith. But even he couldn’t conjure such portraits of hellish creation. It took stronger men than he to work the earlier stations. To remove whatever came before, often using tree surgeon’s tools to hack apart the bark-encrusted growths. But death did not stop this twisted blight, only evisceration.

    With thrashing tendrils and gnashing teeth, Harry stood frozen with a sharp inward breath, as men clad in tactical garb wielding flamethrowers and other incendiary devices charged onward to contend with the eldritch tree. As Harry stood unsteady, his mind unhinged, staring up at the contest between man and demon, his mind drifted, placidly, to the old tale of Beowulf and his dragon;

    “Then the baleful fiend its fire belched out,
    and bright homes burned. The blaze stood high
    all landsfolk frighting. No living thing
    would that loathly one leave as aloft it flew.”

    1. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      This is a very interesting take. I really liked how you imbued the horror with an unnerving quality. The presentation through the eyes of a somewhat resigned worker who has to deal with the logistics of the bizarre illness keeps it very well grounded and, as your title puts it, as something that is disturbing, but must be dealt with.

      The only thing I’d point at that I don’t think worked so well was the abrupt change in pace in the penultimate paragraph, although I understand it follows the scene and introduces the rhapsody that will follow. Tuning pace is such a short format is quite the challenge, anyway.

      Overall, a really interesting and atmospheric tale. Keep on writing!

  2. Damocles Avatar
    Damocles

    Untitled
    by Damocles

    “Ouch, how’d you do that?” Asked the man at the farmer’s market, pointing to Debbie’s upper arm, whereon resided a strange bruise. She looked at it for the first time; it had not been there an hour before.

    And so began the slow horror of events to follow.

    “Look, it spread!” Said Debbie to her daughter over the table. She pulled up her shorts-leg to reveal a dark purple bruise similar to the one on her arm.

    “Mom, it’s a bruise…” her daughter said with faint amusement.

    “I’ve never bruised like this before… there could be something wrong with me,” said Debbie.

    “There’s always been something wrong with you,” came the quip.

    “You be quiet,” Debbie said, smiling.

    Debbie woke to a dull headache. She went to work anyway. By the next day it was a full headache. She laid in bed for an hour that day before her shift. No energy. After her shift she was exhausted, and when she bit into her leftover microwaved chicken alfredo, it hurt to chew.

    The next day she had a full fever, and called in. She lay lethargically on the couch waiting for the Advil to kick in. She’d been sick before, and usually recovered quickly. As she blinked, the patterns on the popcorn ceiling seemed to shift and form ghastly faces. In the back of her mind, something was telling her this was not normal. A terrible feeling began to loom over her subconscious. That night her jaw swole up so painfully she could hardly speak.

    “It’s mumps,” said the middle-aged, bored-looking doctor.

    “Hmmp?” Moaned Debbie.

    “It’ll pass on its own. I’ll prescribe you some painkillers.”

    With the doctor’s blessing, Debbie slept very well that night. She died two days later. It wasn’t mumps. It was a novel disease with symptoms similar to mumps. It was a disease with no name. Though contagious, Debbie hadn’t encountered anyone with the right kind of immune system it could spread to. It would be the first and only time in history it would appear. Her daughter buried Debbie next to her grandfather. That’s all.

    1. Killerclutch Avatar
      Killerclutch

      The sudden, grim ending was very impactful to me, because sometimes that’s how it happens, one moment someone is there and the next they’re not. Really makes you feel for the mother as you establish the relationship between them. Maybe if you want to explore this story more in a longer setting you could delve into the relationship between the mother/daughter and life before and after this event.

      Great stuff, was easy to follow and I enjoyed it!

  3. Cressa Mariner Avatar
    Cressa Mariner

    The First One I Lost
    By: Anime Wiccan
    On the verge of tears and pure ten-year-old panic, I read and re-read the patient’s records; I was frantic as I looked for an answer:

    “William Mallore,” I read aloud. “Moss Sickness Stage: One. Condition: Mild obstruction of the throat and eyes. Moss is growing along the sides of the throat, this is temporarily solved with intrusive surgery via throat incision and carefully cutting away, or using sodium solution on said moss. The Adenoids have minimal functionality. Irises are clouded. Tear ducts are almost completely blocked. This is not safely solvable with surgery or sodium solution, blindness is definite. This is survivable.”

    …So why the hell is Mr. Mallore suffocating on that stupid moss right now?!

    I looked to see Mr. Mallone was looking at the ceiling, his eyes widened and weeping blood from the irritation of the pale-green moss. His tear ducts and the path of his bloodied tears had moss growing in their moist pockets and paths. He tried to leave his bed, but couldn’t move due to a lack of oxygen traveling to the muscles.

    Even as a doctor, this was horrible for me. Did a new kind of disease show up?! Did the Moss Sickness mutate?! Why can’t I just solve this?!

    I saw Mr. Mallone clutching at his throat as if he was trying to rip the moss out of his system. I needed to do something, now!

    I quickly grabbed the sodium solution and was about to spill it down his throat, “Just enough to kill the moss-“. He pushed me away before I could even attempt to pour. He lurched away every time I tried to get close… I couldn’t get close enough to him to save him.

    I walked home in despair. I saw my grandmother on a chair made of scrap. “You lost another one, Tyler?” She asked with sadness and predictability.

    I simply nodded and replied: “Did you ever get used to losing people to Moss Sickness?”

    “No… grief is the strangest illness of all, my brave grandson.” She simply replied as she got up to give me a hug.

    1. This is an interesting one, that raises a lot of questions.

      Since it seems like it really is moss growing in people, it does beg the question of why they couldn’t just rip/cut chunks of it out if it was that bad. And why the moss was growing so fast all of a sudden?

      And of course if it’s not actual moss and maybe just something moss-like growing out of people which is…probably worse. Definitely worse.

      Less strange, but worse.

      There was one thing I’d like to critique though. From the first sentence I thought the perspective character was actually 10-years-old, and maybe reading their own prognosis. And then I thought they were like, the a relative of somesort, but still 10. So, that could have been clearer.

      (Oh, and just as a general TaleFoundry thing, the third line should be blank. It has to do with how the bot counts words. Might not be important, But adding a space there would be a good idea.)

  4. The Last Day of The Rest Of Your Life (Chronicles of The Dragon)
    By Makokam

    Imogene was always small, and weak, and sickly.

    She’d fall ill at least once each season. Winter was always the worst.

    Which was why this illness was so concerning. No one ever fell this ill in the summer.

    No medicine had been able to help her. None of his magic was able to help her either. He was at a loss.

    What had he done wrong? What was different about this illness?

    He looked over the spell. There had to be something he was missing. It should be able to cure anything.

    But still she lay there, barely breathing.

    He walked over to her and asked if she wanted water.

    Her eyes opened, then shut, and she nodded her head.

    She opened her mouth and he spooned the water to her.

    After swallowing a few spoonfuls she turned her head away, licking her lips. He brushed her hair back.

    Her skin was too cool.

    He needed to consult with his friends and colleagues. Surely one of them would know something or someone that could help.

    “I’m going to go get someone from the village to watch over you. I need to go find something to make you better.”

    “Anye?”

    “Yes, yes. Of course.”

    He embraced his daughter before leaving for the village. Whatever this was. Whatever he had to do. He was not going to lose her to it. Death would not take her.

    Her eyes cracked open, and she looked towards the sun, streaming into their home. She could hear the distant laughing and cheering of her friends in the village.

    “I want to go outside again,” she whispered.

    1. Cressa Mariner Avatar
      Cressa Mariner

      This is such an emotional story, I feel like this is the beginning of something really breathtaking almost! If there was something I could point out, it would be that the paragraphs are too short. You could get a much better flow of reading if you kept certain ideas and thoughts together, kind of like making scenes in a play if that makes sense. But regardless, this is very good! I’m excited to see this on Stream! This is fantastic material!!!! <3

      1. Thank you! Honestly I was concerned about overshooting the limit, as usual, so I wanted to just progress as quickly as I could so I could get to the ending before I had to cut stuff for once. And this week was pretty rough for me so just finishing it was a win in my book.

        That said, I would have liked to put a little more oomph into everything. Just wasn’t in the cards for this week though.

    2. Firstly, thumbs up for that title lol. I like it, though I did notice that you forgot the ‘r’ in ‘your’, but that took me three reads because my brain kept filling it in. Stuff like that is so easy to miss.

      Nextly, oof! You think the story can’t get any sadder than it is and then you get to that last line which just gives you this whole new emotional gut punch.

      But as for the story before that point, I think it comes across so powerfully because of its simplicity. Even though magic is mentioned, it’s a father not wanting his daughter to die and that alone draws you into the story. You do a great job of describing how much he cares for her and how much he’d be willing to do to save her.

      Very powerful story and very interesting to see Imogene at this point.

      1. Thank you! I wasn’t sure if the title would really make sense, but I really like it.

        And yes. I thought this had an extra gut punch for people who know about Imogene.

    3. Aaaw poor kiddo. Being stuck inside sick is no fun for anyone.

      My inner parental wants to diagnose whatever this is, and there’s a lack of symptoms. Cold and clammy skin could mean ANYTHING.

      In the modern era, I would default to acetaminophen, warm soup, comfort foods, and keeping the kiddo comfortable. As well as being fully prepared to catch it too because infectious kids get super cuddly.

      1. The only thing I could come up with was something of an auto-immune variety…
        But magic and inter-dimensionality exist so who knows what kind of bizarre thing could be ailing her?

  5. Like a Broken Record
    By Angela

    The explanatory video had just ended, and yet I still had at least a million questions about my seemingly unique case. It has been at least a week since it has begun, a week since my state has been worsening every hour or so. What I still want to know more than anything at the moment is the reason behind the absence of any sort of pain despite my voice changing into something that resembles a grumble more than anything.

    I can’t talk anymore, so I had to write everything I wanted to say in a notebook for people to understand my demands. I did get used to it by the first three days of my speech being gone, however it’s never quite the same anymore to communicate with people. And even with my questions being clearly written down, after thorough inspections twice today, they remain completely unanswered. The best they could do to help me was get me some new stitches, but it only made me more desperate for actual help instead of reassuring placebo operations. 

    Then, in a flash, what seemed like my guardian angel burst into the room. She shouted loud and clear: “To the operation room, now!” My hope for salvation had been restored. As soon as I got onto the operation table, all around me people were trembling, and as hard as I could I tried to ignore it, until the surgeon finally pressed the off switch.

    When I had woken up, they made me undergo a speech test to see if all was well, and, sure enough, I passed flawlessly. Tears were rolling down my cheeks, I hadn’t been this happy since forever! But, one interrogation still remained in the back of my head, and so I asked: “What DID cause all this?” The surgeon then proceeded to explain that my voice box had simply broken and I needed a replacement, simple as that. And now that it was substituted, I felt the need to laugh at this mishap. It had just been this easy all along.

    1. Cressa Mariner Avatar
      Cressa Mariner

      WHAT?! OMG, that twist though XD!!!! That was a fantastic subversion of expectation!!! That was amazing to read and I was genuinely hooked! I did notice one grammatical error though: “… since it {has (had)} begun{,(no comma)} a week since my state {has(had)} been {worsening every hour or so(this could be worded a bit differently)}.” This part was a bit weird to read, but it didn’t do much other than throw me off for a second, so don’t worry too much! Overall phenomenal storytelling and I think this could be something cool to build a bigger story off of if you wanted! You’ve got the style and storytelling ability!!!! I’m routing for this to be on stream!!!! Good Luck!!!!! <3

  6. Agent eIe Avatar
    Agent eIe

    Dust of The Ancients
    By Agent eIe

    We have known of this illness for the past, I don’t know how long. Seemingly infects us at random and is one-hundred percent fatal. Most of the research into this disease, if you can call it that, seems to suggest it infects groups faster causing most of our kind to isolate more than normal. The symptoms are intense vibrations, degeneration of memories normally unheard of for our kind, and deterioration with delayed reformation.

    When I made it here I opened the lab, the floor was covered in dust. It looked like it’s been several years. I began to regret my trip here twenty Matranian orbits wasted. I went to see if there was anyone left.

    My worst fears were realized. The streets are coated with the dust of my kind. All that was left were the servants completely immune to this sickness. Seemed as though the servants were afraid of me, no it was an emotion I had not seen in such a long time. What was it, pity?

    I guess they saw something I did not. I’ve had intense vibrations for the past few days and one of my arms has already turned to dust. I’m leaving this here to tell what I can remember of our civilization so it will not be forgotten. We have been labeled as the Stellartons by many other races due to our appearance. I can not remember our actual name. We are older than most universes developing immortality and the ability to travel to other realms. Ever since the collapse of the race above we have taken control and conquered many civilizations using their mortal lives to fund our ever-expanding civilization. We became what most would label gods and we knew it. We are not good people, and knowing what is to come, I regret it. It appears I have less time than I thought my body is turning to dust. Don’t repeat our mistakes, show that your people are better. This has been the Stellarton race sigh…………….

    1. Cressa Mariner Avatar
      Cressa Mariner

      Wow… just, wow… That was so, weirdly peaceful. Kinda gave me a feeling of facing Ragnarok almost! This was so good!!!!! I will say there are some commas missing though, which makes some of these sentences run on just a bit. Something to work on, and much to look forward to! I’m rooting for this really cool story to be on stream!!!!! Can’t wait!!!

    2. Damocles Avatar
      Damocles

      The first three paragraphs are quite strong. Quite a few questions, such as what is this disease which strikes at random, and who are these servants? The exposition in the final paragraph is a little on the nose, and it is a bit odd (and raises more questions) why an advanced race can’t figure out how to stop this disease, but it’s an interesting idea.

  7. Sanguinerus Avatar
    Sanguinerus

    The Moment

    by Sanguinerus

    Our moment starts in a room with a single bed, its sheets portraying a floral pattern and within them lies a very sickly little girl of eight. Her skin is pale and her face flushed, she’s awake, but weak. The room is warm with the window shut and the curtains drawn and a bedside lamp illuminates the room. There’s a wooden chair besides where the doctor sat not long ago.

    Her father stands across the room, pacing left and right upon the floorboards. He had an air of professionalism and was clean shaven and well dressed without either a crease on his attire nor a scuff on his shoes.
    He continued left and right pondering for answers. Could it have been something she ate? No she ate what he did and he was fine. Could it have been something she had come into contact with? What might have caused these symptoms? Could the supernatural have played a hand in this? Is there something I could have done? Is there something I can still do?
    But the truth sinks in, it doesn’t matter how this happened, how she fell ill. The matter of the fact is that she is sick, and there’s nothing he could do about it.

    Although perhaps there was something that he could do, something he knew that he would forever regret if he did not. He was being foolish and he knew it. His pacing had no purpose and his pondering had no answers. He paced as though the marching of his feet would maintain the beating of her heart. But he realised now that his denial had to stop if he was to be there for her.
    He stopped pacing and approached the bed. He sat in the wooden chair beside her and held her hand.
    “I’m so sorry.” He said, eyes welling up with tears as he finally allowed himself feel. He had been afraid to face the moment and its sting was everything he feared. She looked him in the eyes and smiled, then she closed her eyes for good.

    1. Killerclutch Avatar
      Killerclutch

      This is a really poignant piece of work, and you really get into the point of view of the father, both visually and emotionally. There’s a nice balance of both simple and descriptive language that gives the story a nice flow. It really feels like you’re following this brief journey in the father’s mind.
      Good stuff!

      1. Sanguinerus Avatar
        Sanguinerus

        I really appreciate this, thank you.

  8. Arthur Reynolds Avatar
    Arthur Reynolds

    Going Green
    By Arthur Reynolds

    The forestation of humanity spread more rapidly than any pandemic in recorded history. It began in a logging camp near the Amazon rainforest. Workers began to fall ill. They were unable to keep food down and craved copious amounts of water. Soon after their skin grew rough and rigid until movement ceased entirely. Their breathing slowed and they began to turn green. In the end, the first victims were frozen in time as topiary homages to their former selves.

    Samples of afflicted cells were sent to labs all over the world for study. A surprising peculiarity presented itself during their research. The mitochondria within the host cells had been attacked by a retrovirus that rewrote the DNA to begin the production of chloroplast within the cells. This morphing of the mitochondria resulted in cellular respiration that gave off oxygen through photosynthesis.

    By the time we discovered the volatile nature of the virus’s transmission vector, it was too late. Research labs across the world bloomed into exotic arboretums. Each tree was as unique as the person who founded it. We never stood a chance. By traveling on pockets of oxygen molecules, the virus ensured its way into the lungs of fifty percent of humanity within the first month. A week later it was at sixty percent. Each new seedling planted a vector for the dispersal of more and more virus toting oxygen. Humanity did its best to quarantine, but there is no running from the air we breathe.

    With the scientific community in brambles and little hope for a cure, humanity fled to the poles. There, plant life could not survive to spread its disease. Life on the poles was difficult. Ice shelves had destabilized over time and were unreliable at best in supporting shelters. As more and more of the earth became covered in plant life the atmosphere began to repair itself. Humanity could not survive the harsh climates on the ice caps and their numbers dwindled towards extinction.

    We took and took and took from nature until its only course of action was to give us everything it had.

    1. Sanguinerus Avatar
      Sanguinerus

      I really like your use of scientific terminology, although it slowed my reading right down, it was fun and quirky, but it also gave the story and description of the disease some authenticity which I fell gave the story more weight. Good job I’d say. It is something of a style in itself.

    2. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      I really love the premise, and the subtle elements that link it’s theme together. The fact that the only place humanity could take as refuge had became less reliable due to humanity’s faulty behavior is quite nice. Really interesting take!

  9. Matthew R. Wright Avatar
    Matthew R. Wright

    Clip from Infectious Britannia: Gholston Village. Full HD
    by Matthew R. Wright

    It is here, in the small countryside village of Gholston, where we find the strangest of what Infectious Britannia has to offer: Lingua Relinquens, the ‘Leaving Tongue’.
    As we observe the members of Gholston, one cannot help but call attention to one member of the community: thirty-five-year-old local job-seeker Remy Johntey-Morgan.

    Remy has chosen to participate in, that is to be willingly infected, with Lingua Relinquens – oral infection and mysterious and ancient custom. One might wonder why someone would subject themselves to illness? In Gholston, to suffer from Lingua Relinquens is to avoid more extreme forms of behavioural correction. An alternative punishment, given to those seeking re-acceptance by the community.

    It is still early days for Remy, who, over the course of his infection will tolerate a variety of symptoms unique to Lingua Relinquens. He has agreed to share his thoughts on the infection.

    “I know why I’m being infected. Said some things I shouldn’t have. Unsavoury things, about immigrants and women. Not my greatest hour. It was either this or prison. At least this tongue-thing never appears in your background-check. Anyway, it starts when you neck this drink, made from things found in the community. Tastes rank, but it’s the only thing they make you do, the rest happens on its own.

    After a week, your tongue swells up, MASSIVE like, and you go on a liquid diet, chance for some WKD man HAH! That’s where I’m now. Stage three comes when your tongue starts moving on its own. Wiggling about it your mouth. Not looking forward to that. The last bit’s the worst apparently. I’ve asked to be sedated but they’ve said you can’t be sedated for three weeks. It’s punishment. Unfair. After it swells, it starts to grow like, limbs? Legs, with muscle and stuff. At some point, I guess after its fully grown, it tries to leave. It tries to escape your mouth. Painful, but serves me right”.

    Remy is one of many young men to take this path to redemption, here in Gholston. We will continue to observe him throughout this unpleasant experience.

    1. Cheezesammich Avatar
      Cheezesammich

      You paint an amazing picture here. You get a sense of a larger world that really draws you in. The prompt is in service of the story, and not the other way around, which is a great thing.

      I wonder what the implications of stage 3 could mean – perhaps he will start saying things he doesn’t intend to say?

      It’s odd, however, how, within the same speech, he considers his infection both “unfair” and something that he deserves. Perhaps his infection has something to do with it? It certainly would explain his seeming agreeableness, despite his circumstances.

      1. Killerclutch Avatar
        Killerclutch

        I echo Cheeze’s sentiments. you’ve created a very interesting character that leaves room for the imagination if you explore this story more.

        A unique introduction to the universe, as if it’s a documentary, experiment and news report combined into one.

        Very nicely written, and lots of room to develop if you so wish. Very nice x

  10. Living with the dead

    By: tape

    Humanity has always feared death, the suffering, the memories, the loneliness of it. So naturally they were constantly working to stop people from dying.

    A few decades down the line humanity biologically altered a type of bacteria to our favor. It preserves the human body and keeps it functional to an extent. Of course it cant be perfect, the body still deteriorates on the outside with mold and rot building up over time, but basic functions remain.

    Dana is a young not-dead-yet person, who never needed the bacterias help yet. She lives in a crowded small city that has an unwelcoming atmosphere, the people here are barely making a living every day, and barely living overall. This city can and will be a vicious place to the wrong type of person. And that type of person happened to be dana. She was either a bit too weird or a bit too awkward. Which made for the perfect circumstances to make danas experience living with people utterly terrible.

    Dana didn’t want to be around people. She preferred to disappear and so she did. She ran away to live with the dead, a group of people with a body that survived due to the bacteria, but a consciousness that is slowly deteriorating. She will never be noticed, and will exist alone.

    Living with the dead was all too perfect, she didn’t have to worry about a thing, the group woke up, wondered around aimlessly, then found food, found shelter, and repeat. Over and over for years. Dana had already forgotten most of how her life was before, and the parts she did remember have altered a bit with time. The only thing she was sure of was that people are monsters that could bite and scratch. While the dead weren’t due to their rotting teeth and nails.

    Dana had been thinking of taking the bacteria too, so she can also live forever. In order to do so she had to get it from a living people city that wasn’t barricaded. And they happened to be getting closer to a small one.

    1. Agent eIe Avatar
      Agent eIe

      Well, that won’t lead to anything bad. I always like a dark concept with some twists. However, you may want to capitalize the name. Other than that it’s an enjoyable read and caught my eye at least. It also conveys what the bacteria does pretty well, immortality with a clear cost.

  11. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
    RVMPLSTLTSKN

    A Matter of Character
    By RVMPLSTLTSKN

    “Hiya bossman,” Z said, the cafe’s door jangling shut behind her. She turned on the lights and reached for her apron.

    “Z,” Mike replied. “Kara’s running late today.”

    He was sitting at one of the bar stools and typing away at a spreadsheet. Employee work schedule.

    Do you ever not work, Mike?

    “Yep. Got the text too. You know, my friend Abe sent me a meme last night: Why is it always ‘Why are you late?’ And not, ‘Thanks for showing up.’”

    “Clever. I don’t think that’ll help me though.”

    “Hmm? Oh. Yeah, it would sound weird if you said it. I don’t know why.”

    “Gee, thanks, Z.”

    “Yeah, like that. It sounds… demeaning when you say it.”

    “You know I’m your boss right?”

    “Manager, opening shift. And you only graduated high school in May, so don’t act like you’re older. We can be friends and do our jobs well.”

    The coffee started brewing and filled the air with that early morning scent of caffeine and smog. A car door slammed outside.

    “So, you think I should try it with Kara?” Mike asked, pouring a cup of coffee.

    “Why not? She might like you more if you showed a bit more…. Um….”

    “Yeah, I get it.”

    The door jangled again.

    “Hello world!” Kara announced herself.

    “Good morning, Kara. Thank you for showing up.”

    ”Fuck you, Mike.”

    “Told you it wouldn’t go well, Z.”

    “What?” Kara said.

    “It’s fine,” Z exclaimed. “It’s just, um, your face?”

    “You mean my naturally depresso espresso self?”

    “Mike, make me a coffee before I decide to call you Eyore for the rest of the month,” Kara said.

    Mike handed her the cup he’d poured.

    “Depresso Espresso sounds like a decaff drink,” Z said.

    “My gooood,” Kara rolled her eyes.

    “Add it to the board. Decaff Cuban,” Mike said. “And I’ll work on it, Z. Thanks.”

    Z reached for the chalk, thinking, Maybe don’t.

    1. Killerclutch Avatar
      Killerclutch

      This is a very nice story. We get strong glimpses into the personalities of the characters and the dialogue feels very natural while still feeling unique to each of them. Leaves me wanting to know more as there’s a slight air of mystery in the story, as if there’s something you made a choice to keep from us as the reader, in a good way.

      Very nice dialogue, great stuff!

  12. Cheezesammich Avatar
    Cheezesammich

    The Offering
    By Cheezesammich

    – June 27th, 2234

    Lance Malar’s sputtering laughter filled the halls of Lumenar station. A slack-jawed grin stretched across his face as he limped through biomass infested hallways, dragging a decaying foot over swarms of pulsing detritus and writhing vines. Gone was the metallic sheen of the station’s walls, replaced by trees of wet flesh and broken bark that gently swayed in Lumenar’s now-stagnant air.

    Through shambling steps, Malar made his way to the middle of the station’s main lobby. He had been searching for a good spot to lie, where his body could die and his final self could take root. Here in the middle of the lobby, surrounded by a dark forest of trees with purple flowers, turgid limbs, and screaming faces, he could finally rest. As he dropped to the ground, his legs twisting into a maze of roots and his skin sprouting clusters of purple flowers, he smiled, finally at peace.

    – June 21st, 2234

    Captain Lance Malar fiddled with the service medal on his ceremonial uniform. He couldn’t help but feel out of place amongst the radiant opulence of Lumenar station’s decorated main lobby.

    In their first messages to humankind, the Sevkin had proven themselves perfect aliens. Their magnanimity quickly dispelled humanity’s fears that first contact with an alien civilization would spell our doom. Malar didn’t think he deserved to stand amongst humanity’s representatives and greet the Sevkin delegation for the first time.

    His superiors, however, clearly didn’t share his concerns. As the man in charge of security on Lumenar station, there was no one that knew humanity’s biggest colony better than him.

    His fear quickly turned to curiosity as he saw one of his officers return through the front doors with a tiny purple flower contained within a small glass jar.

    “What’s this?” Malar asked, eyeing the angiosperm as its petals caught the station’s artificial sunlight.

    “The Sevkins sent a gift ahead of them. They called it the greatest smelling flower on their world.”

    As the officer cracked open the jar, Malar smiled. What could be a greater peace offering than a flower?

    1. VanGrim Avatar
      VanGrim

      Ohh, a nice story. The right level of gruesome for me ^^ I liked the names you chose: They are very evoking and feel “right” for the setting. Well constructed – by telling the end first, it frames the start nicely and make one shiver.

  13. VanGrim Avatar
    VanGrim

    A body in disrepair
    by VanGrim

    He awoke from a deep slumber and groaned. His limbs felt stiff, his vision clouded, the breath short and whistling. Trying to move his claws, his wings, the life returned slowly but hesitatingly.

    Leandras, one of the Great Dragons, maybe the last one by now, clutched every bit of life he could find in his weak body. He knew that there was a sickness creeping into him but gazing over his old friend, he saw much worse damage.

    Deep, steeping wounds were torn relentlessly in the once beautiful body. Some parts were sickly green where the sickness poisoned the fluids. Some others were barren where once the life played catch with itself. The air was moving slower, filled with materials of a slow, fiery death.

    He knew that the fight was already almost lost. There was barely any salvation left. And he, Leandras, should have stopped it. He should have been there to halt the advancement before the body of his friend fell this ill.

    But he was hopeful at first – that it was only a short period of time. But then the sickness progressed, hurled itself through the body to reproduce and advance. And he felt his own powers waning: The fire that once shaped this world now only a mere campfire.

    And the darkness tugged at his consciousness once again, pulling him to slumber, maybe his last one. Should he ever wake up again, he would bring devestation – to himself or the illness. But he had no illusions, he would probably still perish. As everything faded to black, Leandras cursed the illness that drained him and his friend, that illness called technology.

  14. Lee Strangely Avatar
    Lee Strangely

    Call a Doctor
    by Lee Strangely

    The large window gave the perfect view of the family as they paced around the bed. The poor kid in the bed looked pretty weak, barely moving at all. The man could see it all from his car.

    The father back in the house picked up the phone to call someone. The man’s cellphone started to vibrate. He ignored it. The father looked very distraught as he put the phone down.

    Five…Four…

    Three…

    Two…

    One.

    He exited his car, heading for the house.

    When the doorbell rang the father immediately greeted him, “Doctor, thank heavens! I was afraid you wouldn’t make it in time.”

    With a careful balance between a relieved smile and a stressed brow he responded, “I got your first message. Sorry I couldn’t pick up the second one, I was on my way here when you called.”

    The father rambled on, “He’s not moving, and he’s barely breathing. Oh, I don’t know what’s going on with him.”
    “I’ll see what I can do,” the doctor said as the two came into the bedroom.

    When the mother saw the doctor, she was livid.

    “Get this man out of my house!” she screamed.

    “He’s here to help,” the father pleaded.

    “HE’S A QUACK!”

    She was wrong. A quack pretends to do something that they don’t actually know how to do. This man knew EXACTLY what he was doing.

    “Please, just let him through!” the father begged.

    The doctor clenched one of his hands.

    The kid in the other room started loudly choking. The mother reluctantly let her husband pull her away.

    With his back to them they couldn’t quite see him. He tried to look concerned and busy. Occasionally he discreetly looked back to see how his audience was doing.

    Eventually he declared proudly, “Aaaand… There!” as his hand opened.

    The kid began breathing again. The father was overjoyed. He began pulling out some cash.

    “No, no,” the doctor replied, “I couldn’t possibly…”

    “Please, you deserve it.”

    The doctor took the money and left; the mother glared daggers at him as he did.

    1. Creator of BS Avatar
      Creator of BS

      I find this story very intriguing because it leaves some important questions unanswered (I assume due to the word limit). What did the doctor do to the kid? Why did the mother immediately call him a quack? Did the doctor cause the issue (yknow, because it seems to worsen when he clenches his hand and it goes away when he opens it, also he calls the parents his audience)? I love speculating about these kinds of things and I believe that you incorporated these questions very well and not too in-your-face. Other than that it’s generally well written and I liked the subtle characterisation of the doctor through the narration.
      The only critique I have for this is a tiny nitpick, namely that the architectual layout of the house is a tad bit confusing. The doc enters, the father brings him to the bedroom, but then it says “The kid in the other room”, implying that this isn’t the bedroom the kid is in. But then why would the father have brought him there? But as I said, that’s just a small detail. Amazing job!

    2. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      Intriguing. I’m on the fence if I found the lack of a little bit more explanation and details a problem or not – usually, I’m quite comfortable and hooked by stories that allow ones to fill in the blanks, but I’m inclined to say there is a little bit too many blanks in this one.
      I got a feeling that the illness in this piece is more the ways and vainglory of the doctor than his puppetry (I’d say I choose puppetry for lack of a better word, but it does have a puppetry feeling to it) of the symptoms and its relief, but then again, a lot of questions. Interesting ones, sure, and that’s a strong suit of the tale, but the profusion of them, in this case, leaves things a little bit too in the air to start elaborating on them.

    3. Ugh, spooky and gross. Well-written and utterly detestable 😂. But I wonder how the “doctor” managed to get involved with this family? How did he insinuate himself for the father to know to call him?

    4. Arthur Reynolds Avatar
      Arthur Reynolds

      I like this story. This is what it would be like if Darth Vader became a snake oil salesman. “Seems your boy has caught the Force Flu. I can help for a small fee of course.” The word limit is a factor I’m sure, but I would have liked to see one additional nod to this “Doctor” being a conman of sorts. Something like putting a stopper on a fresh bottle of placebo water.

      1. Lee Strangely Avatar
        Lee Strangely

        I originally had him pull out and pretend to use a fake medical tool, but I had to cut out that part due to the word limit.

  15. Aracnarquista Avatar
    Aracnarquista

    A Summary Report for the Special Commission on Anomalies of Concern
    by Aracnarquista

    Regarding the situation of Special Interest Assignment CHR-011, the team is convinced that a change in predictive model is paramount. Despite the limited success of Dr. Gramarye’s crystallization model in establishing correlations on the spread pattern among buildings on the isolated section of the Industrial Quarter, we have, after thorough data assessment and careful consideration, decided not only that Dr. Fedriz’s model to be more accurate, but also that the consequences its conclusions entails require from us a certain sense of urgency that does not allow for idleness.

    We are convinced the unprovoked remodeling of the buildings in the sector is not to be explained through a mere mechanistic framework. Dr. Fedriz’s model’s merit is derived from trying to understand the phenomena through the lens of a physician: the advancement of the “temporal exchanges” (which Dr. Fedriz’s team is tentatively calling “hypothetical chronal dephasing”) that reconfigure entire buildings into what is being called “their futuristic versions” seem to more closely follows a pattern more akin the symptomatology of an infectious disease, rather than the crystalline growth previously proposed by Dr. Gramarye’s team.

    Also of note is the discovery that not all affected buildings are being “futurized”, for lack of a better term; some samples seem as if plucked from something past-like. Carbon dating supports this hypothesis, though the style and function of those edifications open the question that the past they have come from might not exactly coincide with what we recognize as our past.

    As previously stated, Dr. Fedriz’s model has consistently shown more predictive power than previous models, which would be merit enough for its adoption as standard. Furthermore, her current line of inquiry focuses on locating and identifying a possible vector agent causing the infection-like phenomena, which opens other avenues of action to the Commission.

    Those considerations inform the need for a new perspective on how to conduct our efforts in containing the phenomena: we need to consider architecture as a living entity, and the infectious vector as an unknown health hazard.

    We need to consider the possibility that other cities are already infected.

    1. This is a lot of fun! You definitely captured the jargon of academia well. It’s a nice bit of anthropomorphism to make buildings seem organic and capable of passing on diseases to one another. When you see city sprawl from above, it does tend to look like a fungus or an algae bloom.

      The sentences are quite long, but that fits in with the register. I’m guessing that’s why these typos slipped through:
      “ their futuristic versions” seem to more closely follows a pattern more akin the symptomatology of an infectious disease
      “follow”
      “(more) akin to”

      Great job as always!

      1. Aracnarquista Avatar
        Aracnarquista

        Thanks for the reading and feedback. That certainly was a difficult one, and I tried a format and voice I’m not very used too (well, not in this language), and it sure was a lot more challenging than I thought it would be. And the typos really skipped through all my reviews! Thanks for pointing them out.

    2. Killerclutch Avatar
      Killerclutch

      I love this story so much. This is my first week reading the stories and yours is my favourite so far. I love the style of writing you use. Reminds a lot of something by Isaac Asimov, SCP entries, ‘Monument Mythos’ or ‘Mystery Flesh Pit National Park’ in the POV being a more academic lens. Definitely my type of writing. The worldbuilding is excellent, and you could definitely take this style further into a whole universe of similar stories.

      I like the subversion of the theme, with a illness affecting buildings by way of time. Very great story, will look out for more of your work!

      1. Aracnarquista Avatar
        Aracnarquista

        Thanks a lot for the reading and the feedback! I’m glad you liked it so much. Subverting the prompt or going more the way of weird fiction is something I try to incorporate in my microtales, so I hope you like the others if you read them. This one, in particular, was a challenge – I wrote three different pieces before setting on this one, but it was an interesting change of register and format to try.

  16. Brain malfunction

    By: Hastaw

    “Wake up, Wake up!” my wife exclaims. I didn’t know what to do; I was stunned. I ignored it for quite a while, but it was real now.

    “What’s wrong with you?! Call the ambulance!” I was shocked out of whatever world I was caught in and slapped my pocket; my phone wasn’t there. 

    “Oh, my freaking gosh, your phone’s over there!”

    “Right!” I said with a slight smile, for which I felt immediate guilt.

    “Don’t smile! Our child is dying!”

    “Sorry!” 

    The phone rang while my wife sat there, holding our child and cursing. My brain was floating in and out of reality. I use it to converse with the operator, but that’s about it. 

    It was a blur, our child rolling out of bed only to crawl into ours, The crying into my shoulders because of a nightmare. I woke up and got out of bed to realize our child hadn’t stirred; he’s always been such a light sleeper. I thought nothing of it and continued to get ready for work. 

    I took a minute to watch my child sleep, then woke him up for school. He didn’t wake. I shook him a bit harder, and he started trembling. “It’s happening,” I thought to myself. I stood there in shock, then screeched out of panic. My husband fell out of bed and searched for his phone. I had to remind him where his phone was. I’ve always been slightly better at handling a crisis. 

    Mom and Dad had set up a doctor’s visit, and I was excited. I wanted to be a doctor someday, so there was a lot I needed to ask him. I heard there are different kinds of doctors; I wondered which one we would be talking to that day.

    “Hey, Mom?”

    “What, honey?”

    “What doctor are we gonna see today?” I saw she started crying.

    “What’s wrong?”

    “Nothing, sweetie.” Her saying that made me more curious.

     “We’re going to the brain doctor.” 

    “Ok. Why?”

    “Now’s not the time to ask questions, ok?” 

    “Ok.” and I left it at that.

    1. I love the three separate accounts you gave in this piece! I’m guessing the extra white line between got lost in the posting (the comments hosting technology has a tendency to do that, I’ve noticed), but otherwise it was more than clear enough.

      It was also heartbreaking. The husband struck mute and dumb in the face of the crisis. The mother trying her hardest to keep it all together. And the child having so little sense of what’s happening.

      Please don’t do this too often. My heart can’t take it! 😉 💛

    2. Sanguinerus Avatar
      Sanguinerus

      Yeah, I like this one, you get a sense of something very serious and yet the story retains a certain light-heartedness. The perspectives of two different points of view was a good way to make it unique which is rather hard when the whole thing needs to be kept so short. Poor kid, I hope he’s ok lol.

  17. Nostalgia
    By Katie Ampersand

    It is a timeless disease, after all. As much as I wish nothing was known about me, even by my closest peers, I sometimes feel like they understand what’s going on. Maybe in another timeline I have already given into them, with their friendliness and their constant cheering. It could be me, as well. Perhaps in my future I’ll have been less sad.

    It is genetic. My mother had it, and somehow, she managed to hide it from my father. He used to tell me about how charming she was with her volatile personality. It makes me wonder how he would have felt if he had been told about it. When he knew his daughter had it he didn’t really know how to react. I just know that one day, I got switched into a version of me which had ran away, and then I never found my way back home.

    I first knew when I was thirteen, the day I became twelve again. I’m lucky I told my mother about it instead of my father, as she was more understanding. She told me that every time she goes through my first switch, she always tells me the same thing. I don’t remember the words anymore, but I know the basic message of it. That I must hide it, that it is dangerous, and that she’s sorry, because she knew it would be this way, and it was selfish to bring me to life.

    I do think that it was selfish. It’s hard to form meaningful relationships, knowing that in the blink of an eye they will not have known me, or I will have skipped forward to their deaths, or who knows, maybe in some timeline I’ve tried to run away from them, and I will be switched into it without knowing why I did it or how.

    I’m trapped, hopping through endless time, creating futures and pasts. Everyone else just thinks my personality changes a lot, or that I’m easily distracted, but they always realize what’s really going on.

    It is a timeless disease, after all.

    1. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      That is a surprising one, sure. Before I really got into what the context of the story was, I was already hooked. There was one sentence that really hit close to home to something I’ve heard again and again about different world experiences when people are a bit different than expected: hen he knew his daughter had it he didn’t really know how to react. “I just know that one day, I got switched into a version of me which had ran away, and then I never found my way back home.”

      And then, the more fantastical element came in, and the hook didn’t even dislodge. It kept where it was, and the pull of the line reminded me of Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse Five (and, a phrase I found strange to have written twice in this thread, if you know me, you’d know is high praise). Temporal displacement of experience is a very interesting prospect (and a really difficult prospect to deal with), but it really works here. I dare say the short format might have been a difficult one, but seems like you got two hardships and made a pretty interesting tale out of their junction. Really great tale.

    2. Oh wow, this got more sci-fi than I was expecting. And I appreciate the repetition of that line at the end. At first, I thought you would be talking about aging as a disease, so you caught me off-guard.

      Now I wonder what that mother’s relationship can be like with her own daughter, if both of them just careen through their own timeline like that?

      This phrase isn’t quite correct though:
      “and it was selfish to bring me to life.”
      At least, I’ve never heard of it outside of the Evanescence song. People do say: “bring me/you into this life”, as a synonym for being born.

      Good job! Keep on writing!

    3. VanGrim Avatar
      VanGrim

      I loved the idea and it was built up well – the reüeat of the first line at the end was a neat trick and was making it a (little) full circle. Well done

  18. Creator of BS Avatar
    Creator of BS

    Unwonted Kindness
    by Creator of BS

    The door to Thomas’s room creaked quietly, like it always did when someone opened it particularly slowly. He lifted his head from his lying position to look at who entered, and saw his mother carefully peek inside. Her expression was a worried one, quite an unusual sight. As she approached his bed, Thomas could see her saying something to him, but his mind was elsewhere.

    He could not recall ever having been surrounded by this much care and affection in his life. Normally, everyone would surely tell him to simply “man up” and “get through this already”. But not this time.

    His mother was still talking to him, but her voice was made unintelligible by the rushing of blood through his ears. Thomas could feel a sneeze coming and tried to reach for the tissue box on the bedside table, but he was too slow. After his involuntarily closed eyes opened again, he could see a small puddle of wispy, yellow fluid slowly seep into the bedsheet right next to him.

    Did that… come out of his nose…?

    Well, at least it had cleared his hearing. Thomas heard his mother pull a tissue out if the tissue box. “Don’t worry”, she said in an unfamiliarly soft tone. “I was going to wash that today anyway.” She proceeded to wipe his nose with the tissue, before getting up and leaving the room.

    Thomas was still convinced that his sickness would not have taken such a turn for the worse, had they not been living in the middle of nowhere, and instead somewhere where there was an actual hospital. Still, though, it was remarkable how quickly it had advanced. Unsure of what to think about, he tried falling asleep, and, soon enough, could feel his mind drifting into unconsciousness.

    It rained the next day. As if it was a divine sign, foretelling the beginning of the end. Everyone at the funeral was occupied with saying their final goodbyes to Thomas, so much so that nobody noticed the wispy, yellow fluid pertruding from the nose of his weeping mother.

    1. Lee Strangely Avatar
      Lee Strangely

      Not bad, not bad at all. This story was heart wrenching. You did a fantastic job putting together this scene of Thomas’s final moments and how how sad it is for his mother who goes on with her fake smile and takes care of him as much as she can. I honestly don’t even care about what the illness is, I just love the moment itself. My only criticism would be that the funeral/death seemed sudden and to a degree and could’ve been left out, but with that final sentence I can completely overlook it. Keep on writing!

  19. Thawing Honey

    By Leila

    “Honey…”

    Stefan whispered as he felt her neck for a heartbeat. It was weak. Panic made his hands shaky. She felt lightweight, feathery, as if she had lost her weight, not condensed like most. She was unearthly cold, her hands felt clammy.

    “I can see it on her face, feel it in her hands. Something is choking off oxygen from her heart. It shouldn’t be hard. Just fix her!”

    He snapped at himself. His eyes traced over the crumpled mess of a girl before him with concern. He gently flipped her onto her back before buzzing up the defibrillator, slamming the pads against her chest. 400 joules of energy plunging down into her heart. Asta cried out in pain as she felt the electricity course through her, something in her chest tightening.

    “Asta, you’re not going to die.”

    Stefan grabbed her hands in his, dropped beside her, brought her hands to his lips, held them there. His eyes closed and he took a spasmodic breath. He tried to determine what was the matter, but it was nothing he could determine. It went out of medicine, science, it was excruciatingly different.

    Asta looked deathly pale, her eyes were hazy. She placed her free hand on her chest and felt her heartbeat, weak, “Please just stay with me until I fall asleep? I don’t want to be alone.”

    He closed his eyes, pulling her up against him. His fingers rubbed her stiffened body, trying to massage out the bouts of tension he found. She was so tiny. How did she shrink so much in so little time? Asta’s body was exhausted, her face paler, her once vibrant brown hair now a sickening blonde. He stopped, swallowed, his breath broke rhythm for a split-second. His eyes were red-rimmed, devastated.

    “Asta, I don’t think you make it through this one, honey,” his voice cracked over ‘honey’, “You’re a goddess who saved up energy for hundreds of years. The thing that froze your body’s natural aging, strength, divinity, the things that kept you going, was vital, protective. It’s like taking ice out of a freezer…”

    1. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      So… curious thing, I’m almost sure I didn’t get the whole context of the story (something certainly flew me by), but the pain of losing a loved one (and knowing in that long moment while it is happening and you have no possibility but to be there losing it) is fully conveyed here. I’d argue for a bit more clarity in the overall context of who and what Asta is, but frankly, I guess the sensation of losing is the point, and the point came across.

      The only nitpick I’d say I’d change is the repetition in “He tried to determine what was the matter, but it was nothing he could determine.” That second determine could be exchange for some other verb and it would made the phrase flows better. But, then again, that’s not really a problem when what is being conveyed is a sense of loss and that despairing attempt to not lose something that is already lost…

    2. Sanguinerus Avatar
      Sanguinerus

      I like how we jump straight into the symptoms with this one, although it seems like the illness is the absence of something that was keeping her alive, her pulse is weak, oxygen isn’t getting to her heart, she’s pale, her breathing is wrong, it’s very descriptive in search of a diagnosis but falling short. I think this is quite good, it’s personal, but it doesn’t feel as tragic as some of the other stories (not that it should be). This just seems natural, yet unexpected. It’s got it’s own flavour and it nice.

  20. I Am Human

    By Joe

    He thought it was only a virus, like the flu, but this one kept mutating until it fully infected the brain. First it was involuntary movements and spasms, then the slurring of words until they morphed into completely different sentences. But Clarence realized too late that it was the virus trying to communicate, trying to assimilate the body to its will. Eyes dilated and red from the blood surging through the energetic old man. An adrenaline rush maintained by the excitement of this virus, because it finally gained full control.

    “But… I don’t understand!” Clarence grabbed his head in confused fright. “You were just a virus! How are you sentient? How do you have control?”

    “I’m still a virus. A sickness defined by damaging your bodies a certain way. I infect your immune systems and attack your brain cells. Some viruses prefer certain parts of the brain. But not me!” It pulled the skin on its head further back to widen it’s smile. “I want the whole damn thing.”

    “You…want?” Clarence stared sweating.

    “Yeah, I want,” it said as if offended. “Your stupidity is a virus of it’s own. But it doesn’t hold a candle to egotism. It tries to use stupid ideas it doesn’t know are stupid, building arrogance that loves itself no matter what it does.” It took a breath. “But hey, we’re not so different. I mean look at me, scoffing at you, like you’re a moron when this is the first time we’ve ever made contact. I guess I’m just as human as you.”

    “You’re not human!” Clarence pointed and panicked. “What you occupy is human, but you’re not! You are a virus! A tag-a-long on someone else’s ride! You’re inhuman!”

    To Clarence’s surprise, the virus chuckled.

    “Inhumanity is just a name for YOUR evil actions. Actions that you patented yourself like you own them. But when something else does it, then it becomes your excuse.”

    “How do you know all this? How do you know anything?”

    The virus leaned in close.

    “Because…WE were the same way.”

    1. Creator of BS Avatar
      Creator of BS

      I’m a big fan of the idea that the sentient virus recognised its own hipocrisy for making fun of Clarence, and that that’s how it comes to the conclusion that it’s human. I definitely didn’t expect a sentient virus as a concept in the first place, but you made it very interesting and if you have any intention of further working with this concept, I’d love to hear how it works, as in how it gains sentience and control over the host body, how it communicates with the host, what it does to the body, etc.
      The only thing I have to criticise are the first couple of sentences, because to me, the perspective feels a bit off. It’s written from Clarence’s perspective in third person, but the wording makes it seem like more of an omniscient narrator type story. I think this can be improved upon by changing some of the more objective words like “mutating” and “infecting” into something along the lines of “worsening” or “spreading”, since that makes it seem more like something an average person would describe it as. In general, when narrating from the perspective of a character, you can be a bit more vague with statements, like instead of writing “X was y”, more something like “X seemed like Y”, “X felt like y”. This kind of spectulative wording makes the narration seem more human.
      Hope this helps!

      1. It definitely does. To answer the perspective case, I rushed myself on it because I really wanted to get to the conversation between the two characters, which is my biggest flaw as a writer. I’m a sucker for a collision of opposing perspectives, especially when there’s a point to be made. I believe the first three sentences are the biggest culprit of the omniscient narrator perspective. Originally Clarence was supposed to be a doctor, and the virus was inside of a patient. But I snipped some of the details, because of the word limit, and ended up with a rough translation that seems like Clarence is the host. I could rewrite the whole paragraph to show the perspective of Clarence as an overconfident doctor whose faults we see once the consequences are realized.

        Like this.

        The arrogant Doctor Clarence Simor new the virus was beyond his control when his sentences slurred into someone else’s. When his body moved on someone else’s permission. When he saw the new master speaking to him in the mirror. His eyes were dilated and red from the surging blood, no doubt from the excitement of the new master that now had full control.

        I saved 28 words with that. If I wanted to save more I could’ve omitted the pointless rant. That way I might’ve had enough room to provide an explanation to how the virus could grasp human knowledge, like the concept of language, like Aracnarquista asked.

        But I’m guilty of trying to make quirky characters and building a story around a certain argument I want to see made, i.e. the use of inhman and Virus. The perspective of what qualifies as a virus could apply it to anything that’s dangerous to something else, like humans to the Earth. And the perspective that Inhumanity could only be commited by a human since humanity is its creator.

    2. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      I liked the whole argument of your piece (really, really interesting), but the word limit really limits how well you can convey that idea here. I completely agree with Creator of BS that there is something that does not translate well in the narrator being so aware of what’s going on, but that’s a problem with these microtales, where we have so little room for build-ups. I’m quite curious on how you would have develop the whole concept if the word limits was not an issue – it surely has a lot of potential, but it also seems like a very thorny path to make sense of it all (how does the virus got a grasp of language, to say the least?). Anyway, really interesting premise, concept and discussion. I would love to see an expansion to it.

    3. I really love this story. The idea of a sentient virus gives off this very Venom/Symbiote feel especially with the way the two beings are arguing. And I do see what the other comments are saying about the perspective in the beginning seeming a bit too knowledgeable but that didn’t bother me personally because for all we know, some of the virus’s thoughts as it’s taking over would be getting in there.

      There’s a lot we don’t know and that’s what makes the story so intriguing. Along with the virus calling itself out on it’s own hypocrisy(which makes it weirdly endearing to me lol), now that it has control, what is it going to do? Is it alien in nature? There’s so much going on here that the word limit can only tease at.

      All in all a very cool take on the prompt. Great job!

  21. The Missing Link Avatar
    The Missing Link

    The Peculiar Patient
    By: The Missing Link

    “I’m tellin’ you Doc, this ain’t normal,” a spindly young man drowning in his unkempt beard sat on the couch across the room from my desk. He centered himself on the feel of the red velvet through his troubled breathing.

    “Yes, what can you tell me about it? When did the symptoms start?”

    “That’s… I don’t remember.” Ugh, this was going to be one of those patients. Think of the money, John.

    “I see. Well, that’s all right.” You have to be patient with these types. They don’t come back if you get snippy with them, and then I’m stuck with cold pizza and instant ramen for dinner again.

    “Oh! It was ‘round when my girlfriend went’n got that new job.” Relationship troubles? Hard to believe people would come to therapy over something so trivial, but whatever.

    “It is often difficult when the people we love have less time to,”

    “Nah, that ain’t it. New job’s right down the road. Got all the time in the world together now. Might even make a marriage out it.” Odd. By all rights, he seems totally normal… well short of being an idiot at least. I’m almost genuinely curious now, dangerous thing in this job.

    “Could you go over your symptoms again?”

    “Chest feels light, work gets done. I don’t understand it Doc, I’m scared I’ll work myself ta death the way things’re shaping up. This energy can’t last forever, right? Just my brain bein’ dumb an’ finding some new way ta try’n kill me.”

    “Ah, what you’re feeling, we call it hope.”

    1. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      I really like the take you got of it (reminds me of that old discussion on the meaning of hope being in Pandora’s box). There is a discussion in health sciences that opposes health and disorder considering a notion of “normal” as the divide between the two terms (there are a thousand arguments to be had about it, but that’s not the point of the comment), and taking it into account, thinking hope is nowadays, at least in sense and in a reading, pretty abnormal, making it being mistaken (“mistaken”?) by a disease… that’s an interesting discussion to have. And the patient description of the symptoms… those seem like a cause of concern, don’t they? Really loved the take.

      1. The Missing Link Avatar
        The Missing Link

        Yeah, I was trying to be careful to not have the doctor ever define normal, just the patient. The patient definitely has other problems, but that was one of the main themes like you pointed out.

    2. Lee Strangely Avatar
      Lee Strangely

      Man I enjoy the contrast between the doctor’s honest thoughts and his more restrained replies. This feels like the sort of thing you would hear from a character like Dr. House, a sort of character that doesn’t really have the best bedside manners but tries to be nice anyway. Great job!

      On an unrelated note, the way the patient’s dialogue was written made him sound a lot like Marty McFly. I don’t have a problem with this, but once I heard it, I couldn’t unhear it.

      1. The Missing Link Avatar
        The Missing Link

        Yeah, I tried to show the impression I’ve gotten from doctors of the job being a sort of customer service persona they put on to be nice to the people coming to them for help, even when they think it’s a waste of time. It matters to the patient, so they need to at least put on the show that it matters to them too.

  22. We Never Get Sick (excerpt from “Back from the Dead”)
    by Joris Lemoine (aka. Amaunator)

    “Oh, is that your,” she stumbled on her words, “your partner?” She pointed at the picture.

    “Yes,” he replied.

    “You look so happy together. Is he off on a journey or…?” Ayesha left the question hanging in dead air when she noticed his face settle into a dimmed smile. She averted her gaze and focused instead on the sloping, coffered ceiling with its cornice-work of tree roots and blooming vines.

    “He passed away, it must be almost four years by now? It’ hard wanting to forget the pain and then realizing you’ve forgotten something else instead.” Padraíg’s eyes got a far away look and they glistened in the slanted sunlight coming in through one of the coffers.

    “How did he…?”

    “Die?” A rueful but well-meaning smile, aimed at her reticence. She nodded. “Nobody knows, really. One day he was helping to dig up the potatoes, and the next I find myself wrapped around a cold body in the morning.”

    “I thought you never got ill anymore? Or was that another J&J lie?”

    “No, it’s true. Yet, after he died, some people reached out to me, informed me that there were other cases out there. Autopsy revealed that the medbots in their system had gone haywire. They attacked the amygdala and the central nervous system, shutting down all organ functions. Some malfunction of the autopilot during REM sleep.”

    A slight panic crept into Ayesha and buried under her skin. She feared she would never go to sleep again. “How many cases?”

    “Just a thou’ or so? I don’t dwell on it. It was a fluke, one that Harald was unlucky enough to experience. I’ve talked to the people over at NANO, and they assure me it is being looked into. She was a very nice lady, and she knew her coding. I don’t think even Harald could have kept up with what she was saying. Though she did dumb it down for me. Guess we’re still susceptible to disease. We thought our medbots would be the ones doing the dying for us. Guess we never figured they’d get sick or mad too.”

    1. I like how this expresses that technology is still vulnerable, and therefore so is the person. That the technology could fail to register the cause of the sickness, so they’re left in the dark because these characters have become so reliant on tech and possibly got too comfortable.

      1. I wish I’d had more space to offer up the ambiguity of the situation, because there is that, what you said: even when we think we’ve conquered nature, we still haven’t conquered entropy. And the more divorced we become from the source of our good fortune, the less well we know it.

        But there is a deeper layer here, about how maybe this isn’t an illness at all , but someone hijacking someone else’s medbots. Digital murder.

    2. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      Ouch, that one is deep. My technophilic side is nodding in silence absorbing the text and looking at all the different gadgets that are truly as part of my body as my legs and thinking “yes, most of them I don’t know how they work (legs included), but I trust them to work”. And my technophobic side is in conflict with the guy in the tale – how can be so … accepting of it all?

      You know when a story is so moving that you have a need to say something, but so moving you have absolutely nothing to say and words fail you? Well, here we are, you did one of these.

      Powerful piece, really powerful.

      1. Thank you for the lovely words of praise, Aracnarquista. I think I mentioned this before either in the writing group comments or on the discord, but I love making dystopic utopias. And that oscillation between technophilia and technophobia is definitely one expression of that here.

        Padraíg is definitely one of the more passive reactors out there though. Others are looking into it more closely. What would we be without the scientists 😉.

    3. “A thousand cases” as of four years ago. How many now? … And since when I guess is also important.

      The weird thing about this is that it seems a very real possibility. Or, consequence rather. Being at the mercy of malfunctioning machinery is bad enough when those machines aren’t inside our bodies.

  23. Sdudyoy Avatar
    Sdudyoy

    The Curse of Wrinkled Skin
    By Sdudyoy

    “There’s no doubt that you’re sick.” A slick haired doctor fixated on a holographic clipboard in hand spoke while standing over his patient. “Have you been eating your nutritio–”

    “I’m not having another of those accursed bars! I’d be better off chewing on a piece of drywall!” A man with wrinkled–almost paperlike skin, white hair, sunken bloodshot eyes, and a raspy voice; yelled this out in anger.

    “The taste is engineered to suit you, have you accidentally recalibrated your taste receptors recently?” The doctor raised his eyes from the details on the page for the first time since entering the room. “I suspect your condition is the result of a nutritional imbalance. I must advise you to change your diet immediately.” He flipped through the text on his screen. “Allow me to recommend a nutritional expe–” The doctor was interrupted by a fit of loud, unexpected and repeated convulsions of the throat and lungs by the patient.

    “Are you alright!?” The doctor worriedly rushed to the patient’s side, when the convulsions stopped but a moment after.
    “You damned fool! It’s just a cough!” The patient hissed. “What sort of crock doctor are you!?” He then yelled, taking a deep breath afterwards.

    “A cough?” The doctor stepped back, composing himself with a deep sigh and looking down at the records once more.

    “Now, sir, this may not be an appropriate time, but I’ve noticed a simple mistake within your medical record that I would like cleared up: it says by your date of birth, that you were born more than eighty years ago; if you would be so kind, what is your actual date of birth? I would like to rectify this error before you become a spectacle of sorts!” The doctor laughed.

    “It ain’t wrong, I’m eighty eight!” The man hissed, laying down in his bed.

    “There’s no way that’s possible! The human body isn’t designed to live past forty!” The Doctor breathed heavily. “Is it possible that your inhuman age is a direct result of your condition, this curse, of wrinkled skin?”

    1. Interesting setting you’ve got going on there. It sounds a little like Aldo’Aldous Huxley’s “A Brave New World”. Artificial boundaries that never get questioned; the ordinary, organic body being reduced to a chemical timepiece; the implication that somebody outside of the norm would immediately be seen as a freak or spectacle.

      Also, that’s what I’ll be calling old age from now on, the curse of wrinkled skin 😂.

      Nice job! Love to read more from you next/some time!

    2. This is a very interesting piece. I enjoy the humor as well as the unsettling edge. The attitude of the old man distracts well against the strange curse he seems to have. I also love the way the doctor is so done with his patient. Working with people is exhausting, let alone someone that reaches beyond the so-called natural boundaries. Great piece, I would love to read more of your work soon.

    3. Patrick Page Avatar
      Patrick Page

      What I enjoyed most was that this ‘old man’ felt like a real person. The interactions between himself and the doctor reflected perfectly the culture shock that must be taking place as we learn the twist. It certainly makes me want to read more! Good work.

  24. Ranma Saotome Avatar
    Ranma Saotome

    Rinera’s End
    By Ranma Saotome

    Despite recent attempts to ease the patient’s state of mind, they seem to be in a state of panic. With no real cause for such a reaction, I fear the pathogen is now becoming an even greater threat. Seeing as we are tasked with finding a cure to this ailment, it becomes increasingly frustrating that the symptoms continue to evolve with many cases being unique.

    We finally know now that the illness itself is airborne; now we can at least interact with subjects designated stable for further testing. Although our tests have been rather fruitful in discovering more possible symptoms, we have made near to no progress on developing a cure as all of our attempts have failed as this “sickness,” somehow finds itself able to counteract any antibodies we’ve been able to test.

    After approximately three hours of this patient being in restraints, they’ve managed to develop an inhuman amount of strength. Tearing through their metal restraints, the patient has not retained any injury, and immediately following their freedom from the bindings, the subject in question has become comatose. With no effective methods of waking them up. how will we ever hope to keep our people alive? What are we to do if its transmission evolves? I can only hope other labs have had greater luck. Perhaps this is our extinction event, a demise brought about by our hubris.

    Is it acceptable for us to play god, even if it’s for the good of our people? Let any who finds this document learn our name, for I fear that we may not persevere after this outbreak. We are the Rinera, should you find any of our specimens either in life or their bodies, know that we’re not a prideful race. Should you find my body, marked by the crown insignia etched into my cranium’s anterior face, I would serve to be a benchmark specimen, my qualities being near, if not perfectly average, makes me a perfect judge to label other members of my people from.

    I fear we may have been our own destruction.

    1. I wonder, are the Rinera a humanoid species? You don’t actually specify – which is good; aids with the intrigue -, but now I want to know 😂.

      There were a couple phrases that I think you could have trimmed some – which considering the word count for these pieces can be crucial. For instance:

      “Despite recent attempts to ease the patient’s state of mind, they seem to be in a state of panic.“
      “they seem to be panicked” or “they exhibit signs of panic” etc.

      “We finally know now that the illness itself is airborne; now we can at least interact with subjects designated stable for further testing.”
      “We now know…”or “We finally know…” b but best not to do both finally and now. Especially if you’re using “now” again after the semicolon.

      “ Although our tests have been rather fruitful in discovering more possible symptoms, we have made near to no progress on developing a cure as all of our attempts have failed as this “sickness,” somehow finds itself able to counteract any antibodies we’ve been able to test.”
      This a very long sentence. Best to put a full stop after “failed”. And for the last line: “This “sickness” has counteracted all of our antibodies so far.”

      “ With no effective methods of waking them up. how will…”
      I’m guessing that full stop is a typo?

      Anyway, I think with my examples you’ll get the feel for it yourself. If not, you can always come onto the Discord and asked people if they want to give your piece a read-through.

      Keep writing!

      1. Ranma Saotome Avatar
        Ranma Saotome

        Honestly, this entire thing was whipped up while I was half asleep to the point I forgot I wrote it. I don’t know where I was going with a lot of this. Thanks for the critique though.

    2. I have always been a sucker for a good contagion tale. There’s something naturally eerie about situations not even medicine can manage. The fact that it is created by humanity itself adds an entire new layer to the matter. The researcher’s final line feels very similar to Albert Einstein’s famous quote regarding the creation of the atomic bomb, a reference that really cements the seriousness of the situation. Amazing piece, I hope to read more from you in the future!

  25. Consultation Notes, Galactic Year 60

    by Tyler Wilding

    Date of Consultation: Patient year 1990, galactic year 60.

    MEDICATIONS: Oxygen.

    FAMILY HISTORY: Patient has multiple siblings, all of which are sterile. Most recently, patient’s brother became sterile 5 galactic years ago. Patient states some nieces/nephews may not be sterile but is unsure.

    PRIOR MEDICAL HISTORY: Patient has suffered five microbiome depletion events over the last two galactic years.

    PRIOR SURGICAL HISTORY: Introduction of oxygen, 10 galactic years ago. Glaciation, 2 galactic years ago. Attempted oxygen withdrawal, 1.8 galactic years ago. Induction of vulcanism, 1.1 galactic years ago. Induction of vulcanism, 10 galactic months ago. High-velocity lithospheric atomization, 3 galactic months ago.

    PATIENT COMPLAINTS: Elevated temperature and puncture in the lower ozone.

    PHYSICAL EXAMINATION: Volcanic activity normal. Temperature 13.9 degrees C. Significant metallic growths observed on exposed lithosphere. Ozone depletion observed from 20 degrees through 90. Significant ozone depletion from 50 degrees through 90 over southern pole. Atmospheric gas test revealed elevated carbon dioxide/monoxide, lead, and various nitrogen oxides and other impurities. Of note is presence of complex chlorine-fluorine-carbon groups. Lithospheric scraping revealed multiple synthetic polymers as well as high levels of strontium-90 and Americium-241.

    IMPRESSION: Malignant microbiome.

    CONSULTATION: Reviewed symptoms. Patient expressed concern over becoming sterile. Advised patient most treatments for a malignant microbiome carry significant risk of sterility. Possible treatments include radiotherapy and high-velocity lithospheric atomization. Lab results indicate if microbiome activity continues as present, temperature increase will result in microbiome depletion event, sterilizing malignant microbiome. Results also indicated microbiome may reduce in malignancy and return to homeostasis. Advised patient that no treatment recommended at this time. Patient will follow-up in 1 galactic week for further evaluation.

    1. Agent eIe Avatar
      Agent eIe

      I really like this approach. First of all, it’s a medical document style that I personally like. Plus it’s subtle enough that it took me a second look to get what’s going on. But that might just be me. I am also liking the use of element names to further the style. I have nothing bad to say about this.

    2. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      I really loved the style, and specially the technical terminology used. Really, I have no points to say besides that it is amazing, and that high-velocity lithospheric atomization will surely enter my usual lexicon from now on (also, great name for a band).

    3. Cheezesammich Avatar
      Cheezesammich

      I was drawn in by the format, but I stayed for the content. I loved the unique take on the prompt here in both of those aspects. I had a big “aha!” moment when I realized what the patient and its disease really were. You’ve got some good, focused writing in this piece. Everything lends itself towards the main point.

  26. Tamela Redfin Avatar
    Tamela Redfin

    A stranger in need needs a healer indeed

    By Tamela Redfin

    Months passed and then tragedy struck. Cecilia came down with a fever and green lines on her skin. Shortly after, it was Sapphira and finally Mica, but due to his half human nature, he was the least affected.

    I also concluded this was a cyphan illness. “Cameron.” Mica begged, “Please don’t let Sapphira and my children die.”

    “I’ve never dealt with this at the camp.” I sighed, “But, I will find a cure for this.”

    “Thank you.” He coughed.

    “Now you lay down.” I ordered. But what could I do? Was this serious or more like a strand of human common cold? And I knew Mica was worried about Sapphira, but what about Cece?

    I had heard reports of a rebellion group that help the cyphas and maybe my limited connections could lead me to them. What was the name? White…Grey…Rose?

    Grey Rose sounded right. In the next city over according to rumors, I mean news reports. I quickly called my brother to find any sign of Grey Rose. Luck was surprisingly on my side.

    A week later, I saw a man with brick-red hair and brown eyes there. He had a faded scar under his eye. “Cameron Boyle? Open up, it’s Salvador from Grey Rose.”

    I opened the door. “You need to help me. My girlfriend and her…”

    Salvador nodded. “Kennedy explained everything. May I see them?”

    I led them to the room where Cecilia, Sapphira and Mica were asleep. He looked at their arms and the green lines. “Yikes, is that girl pregnant?”

    I nodded as he pulled out a bottle from a small satchel.

    “It’s a cyphan parasite, known as Leechworm. It’s rare but possibly fatal. My ex-girlfriend had it a few times, so I helped cure her.” Salvador explained.

    So he dated cyphas?

    But then he looked at Mica. “Funny, I thought cyphas didn’t usually have red hair.”

    “Not many I met at Snos, but he’s a special case.” I admitted.

    1. Heheh I know about this. I checked it for errata before. I wonder if anyone is going to catch the secret before it’s told. [I know I was way too daft to catch it]

      Sickness amongst rebel groups is rarely covered, as getting medical help whilst The Man is after your butt is never something writers want to deal with. It’s amazing how many rebel forces have effective medical support.

      Well. Effective medical support when plot armour is involved.

      1. Tamela Redfin Avatar
        Tamela Redfin

        I perfer the term, good connections, haha! 😀

        Thanks for the read!

    2. It’s not bad writing by any means, but I’m very lost throughout, and at the end it just ends, it doesn’t wrap up anything – unless I missed something.

      “Funny, I thought cyphas didn’t usually have red hair.”
      Also, this sentence is a bit wonky. I think it’s “don’t usually” or “didn’t”, but not “didn’t usually”.

      1. Tamela Redfin Avatar
        Tamela Redfin

        So with the ending, there are supposed to be hidden implications about who Salvador is. I also wanted people to look at him as well as Mica.

        I maybe should have been more obvious (especially to new readers) about that.

        Do you have any questions in particular? If so, message me on Discord (to avoid possible spoilers)

        Regardless, thanks for the read.

    3. Definitely an improvement from what you first showed me.

      Curious what Salvador is going to bring to the dynamic.

  27. Lantis Armstrong Avatar
    Lantis Armstrong

    Twice Shy
    By Lantis Armstrong

    A young girl was alone in a sterile white room, florescent bulbs humming overhead. Her hands and feet tied tightly to the posts at the ends of the bed, and two large leather straps tied he torso to the bed, pinning her down. She tried to cry out, but her mouth was gagged. She flung herself about, but the straps held tight to her dark purple wrists and ankles.

    The door to the room slid open, and two men in HAZMAT suits entered. Their breath fogged their masks with every exhalation. The one in the lead couldn’t help but shiver.

    The shivering man approached her bedside and began observing the monitors. He ignored her pleading eyes while reading her charts, which identified her as “Subject 187.”

    “Hm…” he mused quietly, thumping the temperature gauge on the readout. He reached for a thermometer in a box beneath the monitors then pressed it into the side of Subject 187’s eyeball, pushing it down into her skull. She jerked her head, and the thermometer popped out of her socket and was flung to the floor. “Oh for Pete’s sake,” he muttered.

    Reaching for a second one, he lifted up an empty box. Letting out a sigh, he began to take off his glove – but the other man reached over quickly to grab his elbow. He jerked away from him then finished taking his glove off.

    Pressing the back of his hand against the Subject 187’s forehead, blood squirted out from the side of her eye where the thermometer had been. The man cried out while jerking his hand away and hurriedly putting back on his glove!

    The man swerved to face his partner, begging: “Wait no! I didn’t get any on me! I’m fine. I’m FINE!”

    B-BAM!

    His partner drew and fired a shot straight between his eyes, then rushed backwards out the door to call for assistance. Two others ran in and helped him lift the body up onto another bed next to the girl, and they began to strap him down.

    1. Ranma Saotome Avatar
      Ranma Saotome

      Reading this, I found myself not expecting the twist at the end. The pacing was perfectly done to allow for enough buildup to said twist, while not making it obvious something would go awry. While I feel this is meant to seem like a recount of events, it would also fit quite well as a bitter end to a minor antagonist in a series, while a sudden jolt of energy from the word choice near the end truly drives home the severity of the situation.

    2. Zombie? Subject 187 is a zombie, right?

      I can see why you had such conjecture regarding Hanahaki 😀 This sickness looks like a hell of a ride.

      People ignore infection prevention measures at their own risk. Wish we could teach the antimaskers that sort of thing.

      IMHO the next zombie movie should have people claiming that the Zombie Plague is a hoax and so forth. Or running straight into the zombie hordes to prove whatever the heck point they think they’re going to make.

    3. Great stuff! I love how you didn’t give too many indications of her humanity, making the reader believe that the scientists were acting in inhumane ways.

      And then the twist, indeed. The clinical motions of the two make us care very little for them and more for the girl, so we don’t realize that the guy taking of his gloves is not just breaching protocol for the sake of ease, but is really playing with his life.

      Which does get hammered home quite starkly. Maybe one thing you could add is to show that both of them carry guns when you describe them coming in? That or you may went to at least say “drew a gun” instead of just “drew” for clarity.

    4. Fvn :) Avatar
      Fvn 🙂

      I really enjoyed the mystery of this. While its never quite explained what the disease is that kind of fits because it adds the strangeness of the whole scenario. It comes across almost like an asylum story where we don’t really know what the reality is until its too late! Great job on this one!

    5. Arthur Reynolds Avatar
      Arthur Reynolds

      BAM! I love how even though he was shot in the head they still strap him down at the end. It adds an extra element of mystery to the ailment. I was expecting the two others that came in at the end to shoot the shooter as well, just to be safe, but I love this ending all the same!

  28. Fvn :) Avatar
    Fvn 🙂

    Raught
    By Fvn (CW: Very dark/despair, body horror, sickness)

    I watch the cascades of simmering crimson light in the air through the small crack in my window as the sun sets on the streets below. Dunva’la’s beautiful cobbled streets and mortar buildings, once filled with so much splendor, lay barren now. Shrouded in a miasma of crimson Dust which danced on each breeze. I know all too well what it really is. Why it litter’s every alley and corridor of my home. It’s what remains of those whom I had once known. All of them now coalesced as the clouds of malignance scattered throughout this great ruin of a city. The Raught was the name the beggars had given it, as it struck them first and moved fastest through their ranks. My old friend Ki’bar the performer, was where I caught my first glimpses of it.

    It started as a strange rash which wrinkled and distorted the skin into odd patterns before slowly bursting outward in rust-like growths covering the appendages. Soon, Ki’bar began to lose the use of his fingers, toes, feet then hands. Finally his limbs gave out as Raught slowly worked its way towards his core. Each piece of him would shrivel over time. Drying away slowly before falling off and collapsing into piles of flesh like crimson dust. He was not the heartiest of sorts. Poor Ki’bar only lasted a week, and by the end his suffering was so great that all I could do for him was end it. Over the following month more of my friends grew ill. Iji the fifer, Brother Kaimen, Ruma the merchant, and even little Saj’ar, one by one had been taken. I could only watch as they decay into nothing but dust. Their skin, flesh and even their bones were now no more than the malignancy which now proliferates this once beautiful place.

    I dare not venture out for those who do last naught more than minutes now before they are consumed. It is in the air we breathe now and I fear it might be too late Dunva’la, too late even for me…

    1. The description of the sunset contrasted with the appearance of the crimson disease took me by surprise. It provides a dungeon like mood in the character describing it. This perfectly fits into the prompt.

      The “once beautiful place” could use some description to help anchor me to where the character is, although since the character never leaves the safety of (insert pronoun here), it would make sense that she wouldn’t be able to. I don’t know, I’m kinda on the fence. Thanks for this story, it’s awesome.

      1. Fvn :) Avatar
        Fvn 🙂

        Ty! One of the things I wanted to do was elaborate a bit more in the setting but the word count was keeping me from going in depth. In case you were curious I imagined it as a grand Desert city in my head so brick, mortar, arches, etc. Although you can probably fill in the blank with any number of fantasy settings.

  29. Connor/Dragoneye Avatar
    Connor/Dragoneye

    U.S.Decay
    By Connor/Dragoneye

    “Demonsbane is here!”

    Calliope dragged her feet through the settlement, her boots kicking aside the empty shells of her revolver.

    A multitude of doors rattled open, and out came crotchety, pale-skinned folk. Some fell at Calliope’s feet, weeping and begging for help, while others stared at her with jaundiced eyes. She noticed that plenty of them were covered in unnaturally black boils, and the veins surrounding them pulsed visibly. If her dad taught her anything, it was definitely to look out for Stygian symptoms.

    “Oh, Demonsbane, thank you from coming on such a short notice,” the pudgy mayor blurted with a wheeze.

    Calliope couldn’t help but shield her mouth and nose, her stomach reeling at the town’s stench. Thankfully, she had already ingested some holy water beforehand. “Yeah, no problem. Where’s your water supply?”

    “Right here, in the town center. The old well here still works fine, it’s perfectly fine.” The mayor gestured to the dust-ridden stones situated in a circular fashion.

    Calliope gave a single glance down into the well, the darkness stretching down into the earth. “Not necessarily. Just because it’s clear doesn’t mean it’s safe to drink. Parasites and whatnot.”

    “But our doctor makes sure that the water is sanitized. What else could you look into?”

    Calliope groaned. “Does it look like I have a doctorate? I’m not your regular CDC asshole. Your water might be infected with Styxwater.”

    “What is that?”

    “Ichor from the pits of Hell itself, made from souls boiled in the Lake of Fire. Normally, it would let demons possess anyone who touches it, but on earth, it just makes you sick as Hell.”

    Calliope knew there was only one way to find out beyond drinking it. She took out a vial of a glowing blue liquid and poured a single drop down into the well.

    “What was tha-”

    The distant howling of a thousand tormented voices thundered from the hole, as if a pit of captives were wailing for freedom.

    Calliope snorted. “Welp, looks like you’re drinking hell-juice.”

    1. The main character in this story is fun. She points everything so matter-a-fact-ly, and makes the world come alive in her dingy personality. It’s awesome.

      The way you set the indicator up is really creative. I also appreciate your description of the harmful substance that’s making everyone sick. I enjoyed this story.

    2. Interesting. The few details provided (CDC, doctorate) indicate that our protagonist comes from a modern timeline but she’s treating a clearly magical affliction. On the first read I thought this was in medieval times but upon rereading I see it’s actually a post-apocalyptic modern world. I don’t know that there’s space to make that more clear or if it would be necessary. It’s a great introduction to a world I’d love to read more about.

    3. Interesting juxtaposition between the panicked and ignorant mayor and Calliope, who seems to be in the know about all of this. The fact that she has seen so much of this affliction that she has become jaded to all of it shows how people can get used to anything, especially when compared with the mayor, who has never seen this before.

      It sets up a neat conflict in this universe, between Calliope trying to save people from contaminated water and others simply not understanding what is happening. Her by-name, Demonsbane, conveys how the other people see her as someone special, simply because she has knowledge they don’t and can help them against the Stygians. It’s a nice touch to this scenario.

      Well done!

    4. Damocles Avatar
      Damocles

      The pacing of this is good enough that it really could slot right into a larger fantasy work without anyone noticing. The characterization is strong given the length, and there’s even enough lore that it again makes me think ‘what the heck 400 page book does this come from?’

  30. Something Came Up (A Tiefling Tale AU)
    C. M. Weller

    Of all the bad patients Kim had come to know, she despised the Quiet Ones. They didn’t want to make a fuss or be a bother until things became do-or-die desperate. The fact that Kosh was at her door asking about medicine meant that he had to be up to his indigo hairline in trouble. The fact that it was barely past SUNRISE only added to her irritation.

    Getting him to talk about his medical trouble required epic levels of diplomacy. Something that was not her forte at the arse-crack of dawn. “What’s the problem?”

    Kosh lurked just inside her door, arms folded, looking away. “I know somebody who has… a condition. It’s getting worse, and he needs relief.”

    “Not a cure?” Kim tried to get her brain moving.

    “He knows what he’s got. A cure is… unlikely.”

    “Ah. So what is it?”

    In lieu of an answer, Kosh produced a whole flower. “This came up recently.”

    The heart-shaped petals were a dead give-away. So was its freshness. The shape of the blossom, however, was not that familiar. “Hanahaki,” she whispered, taking the bloom.

    “He knows what he’s got.”

    Diplomacy. Kosh hadn’t had time to go anywhere or meet anyone. “Has your… friend… recently changed any habits?”

    He did not deny that Tieflings got friends. “Nein. Same ritual every night. Usually, I– HE… coughs up the petals, but…” His lips twitched to come up with something else, but remained closed.

    “And that ritual is…?”

    “Wishing his fiancee a good ni–” cough cough cough cough cough.

    Kim politely ignored the petal that escaped his fist. “I’ll see what I can do.”

    The flower, research revealed, was rare. Pining for an unknown love. No wonder he knew the cure was unlikely. Their fellow Adventurer had a complicated knot of secrets in him. Relief would come via a pomander or potpourri made from the petals.

    The REAL trouble would be in making one discreet enough for him to take it.

    1. Lantis Armstrong Avatar
      Lantis Armstrong

      I really love how much she hates having to wake up early; that’s something everyone can relate to. Everyone sane, anyway. And poor guy! (or poor guy’s “friend” cough), he grew that flower he showed her, didn’t he? Like, from his skin? That’s what I’m picturing… big oof.

      Either that, or he has a bad habit of eating those flowers then coughing them back up. Oh! The “disease” he could have might be an addiction, like alcoholism; he’s addicted to eating that flower he handed her, but it makes him cough up petals!

      Just wildly speculating here. It’s a very fascinating thing that’s happening to him! Er, I mean happening to his friend!

      1. Hanahaki is a fun condition where someone deep in unrequited love coughs up flower petals or, in this case, entire blossoms. According to whatever magical BS the author chooses, the blossoms grow in the bronchii and can effect the victim’s breathing.

        I don’t hold with fatal Hanahaki [confess your love or die, blended with f*ck or die] because the chronic condition is SO much more fun to write.

    2. Tamela Redfin Avatar
      Tamela Redfin

      The build up was great and so was the pay off. I loved seeing both.

      Also the last line was the best.

      1. Kosh is a collection of hangups in a trench coat XD

    3. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      Well, that comment is going to be a little strange, but I can’t help it. I really loved the tale, the concept, the build up, everything. But (and that’s the strange thing, and it shouldn’t be taken in consideration since it is not directly related to the tale, and still here I am writing something I say shouldn’t be taken in consideration, so obviously I’m a liar) the answer you gave to Lantis’s comment paints a different picture of the tale, and then something does not seem to work so well as it have worked before… ’cause, let me tell you, I really found the explanation of the cause of the disease amazing, but then it being possible to cure it by the application of an unguent of the petals… It works for the tale, but feels a bit strange on what it says about the disease, thematically. I don’t know if I’m being able to convey what I really want to say, but, anyway, great tale, great disease.

      1. There’s an illogic. Kosh’s state of mind has put him into believing a love that isn’t there, so fooling his senses would work too.

        Of course, I’ve messed with the original disease a bit, so it all works. At least I think so.

    4. … “Spirit blossoms”?

      Honestly I kinda love the idea of someone quietly pining for someone only to cough up a flower petal and looking at it for a moment before going, “Welp. Guess I’m gonna have to live with that.”

      Honestly it’s a pretty good physical representation of how it feels sometimes.

      Poor Kosh.

      1. Yeah. Kosh has to just Deal with a lot of nonsense.

  31. Skeleton Avatar
    Skeleton

    The Retort by Skeleton

    No, it was impossible.

    Sure, there had been cases of bacteria becoming antibiotic-resistant, and even some viruses had developed mechanisms of evading the immune system entirely. That made sense: it was a response to a selective pressure in the environment. The organism would naturally evolve to become better.

    But this wasn’t just better, was it? This was above better—it was an attack against mankind itself. What we abused, the rules we broke, the natural order we demolished in order to make ourselves comfortable was now fighting back. The chart in his hands was the smoking gun to prove it, however dire the consequences of the revelation were.

    Technology had been what put mankind on top, and now the one piece of tech that could save millions of lives had been stolen by a damn virus. It wasn’t even alive, technically. It was just doing what its genes had ordered it to do: infect a cell and replicate. Who could have foreseen that a virus would be able to replicate the crispr-cas9 system in order to edit our immune cells and render them useless?

    The chart fell to the floor as he looked into the other room at the patient hooked up to life support. He had assumed they had been immunodeficient for their entire life when the test results came in, but they had never been diagnosed. Not even a hint in 46 years of life. That was the first sign something was amiss.

    He supposed there was no way to avoid it now. The patient had been traveling all over the world for business—for an oil company—in order to plan new drilling sites. He began to wonder if this was just the planet’s way of getting rid of a sickness, like a fever to cook a virus out of its body. A parasite called humanity.

    He gave a sigh. There didn’t seem to be any harm in a quick smoke.

    1. Fvn :) Avatar
      Fvn 🙂

      I love the pacing of this. It really reminds me of the lab scenes from movies like Contagion and the part at the end with the smoke breaks rounds out the character pretty well.

      My only concern is that the pov character never really get introduced. Maybe try adding a line where you name them even if it’s something “the doctor”. It would help give the read more perspective on who they’re following.

    2. Wow. Now that’s a smack from the planet. The tone is very dry, which I honestly think works great here. It’s not overly despairing or angry, just matter-of fact. If someone isn’t familiar with crispr, your brief description explains enough that they can get the gist of it. It’s hard to tell a good story in a short form but this is solid.

    3. Ranma Saotome Avatar
      Ranma Saotome

      Honestly, I’ve always been fond of the idea of a natural order stronger than humanity overtaking our technology and innovation, the way you go about the description of the threat in this text is simply amazing . It’s casual yet professional tone makes it seem as if it’s truly being spoken about in an environment fit for the plot, and the way you’ve given life to a character without any proper dialogue is enviable considering my lack of ability to do the same with any real emotion. You can truly tell the sense of despair and knowledge of futility in the tone. Well done.
      (Sorry for the lengthy response I go off on tangents.)

    4. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      I really liked your piece. Pretty interesting premise, and the somewhat professional-amazed-confused mix of tones works really well for the discussion and the whole feeling of the scene. Guess if I found out something so bizarre – so utterly against what we know about the arbitrary steps of evolution and yet somewhat elegant in its way to present a finality that coincides with, perhaps, our finality… well, I guess I’d be a little bit confused between aghast and apathetic as well. Might even think of a smoke as well.

      But now that I read your little tale again, I am in doubt if I found it amazing or just incredible that the virus is kind of a suicide bomber in it. Makes me think of a lot of possibilities, and surely strengthens the feeling of strangeness and, perhaps, of finality of it all.

      And just to share the impression, I couldn’t help but chuckle while reading the line “it was just doing what its genes had ordered it to do”… it is not as if the point-of-view character is any different in that regard, right? Intentionally or not, I find this parallelism shared with all living beings that could be described as just emerging properties of the gene expression quite… well, I will say funny for lack of a better word.

      Anyway, great little tale!

  32. In My Own Little Corner
    By Marx (CW: PTSD, Mental/Physical Abuse)

    “Daisy…?” Rhea cautiously approached.

    Daisy was hugging her knees in the corner of the room. Her clothing torn and her crying eyes wide and unblinking.

    Rhea took a deep breath and placed a hand on Daisy’s shoulder. “Daisy are you ok-…urk!”

    “Have to kill him, Rhea!” Daisy shouted back.

    Rhea paused as she focused on forcing out enough air to speak, thanking whatever deity she could that she wasn’t human anymore. “Daisy… you’re… choking… me…”

    Daisy’s eyes somehow went even wider as she realized Rhea was right. She immediately let go of her throat and scrambled back to the safety of the corner. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”

    Rhea took a breath of air, rubbing her neck as the bruises steadily healed. “It’s okay, sweetie. No harm done. So… I’m assuming you… saw Alex?”

    Daisy shuddered at the name. “He found me… He was so… He wasn’t himself, Rhea… I hurt him…”

    Rhea sighed and sat next to Daisy. “Do you want to talk about it?”

    Daisy slowly nodded. “He hit me… Over and over… He was so mad that… I wasn’t his thrall anymore… It didn’t hurt… Not really… But… I could tell that I hurt HIM… and part of me still… I still…”

    Rhea placed her forehead against Daisy’s as they locked eyes. “That’s not love, sweetie. Or at least not the good kind…”

    Daisy smiled back before her mind was torn once more to the previous night. “Rhea. I HURT him…”

    Rhea nodded. “I’m listening.”

    “He… he kept hitting me… And he said… he would make me his again… his thrall… and I just… I snapped, Rhea… I hit him as hard as I could…”

    Rhea smiled. “I hope you broke something.” The smile faded as she took a deep breath. “What happened after he healed? If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s okay.”

    “Rhea… He DIDN’T heal… He… ran…”

    Rhea’s eyes shot wide as she finally realized what Daisy was trying to tell her. “You hurt him…”

    Daisy sobbed into Rhea’s embrace. “I have to kill him, Rhea… I’m the only one who CAN…”

    1. A nice twist to the assignment where immortality or immunity to fatigue is implemented as symptoms. Because it is an obstacle to overcome in order to beat the abuser, who is the sickness, and Daisy is the cure. The side effects are Daisy’s bruises, scars, anger, and lashing out at her friend when she didn’t mean to. And their’s no hopelessness either, just passing emotions that’ll fuel her resolve.

      Nice job!

      1. When I can, I really try to make it so that there’s multiple ways the prompt could be taken, and Alex being the sickness was one of the ones I thought might be too subtle, with Daisy’s mental issues taking the forefront in this one the way they do. I’m so glad you enjoyed it!

    2. Interesting segment from your universe. It’s always good to see more parts of Daisy’s story and I’m glad that Rhea is reaching out to her, especially because this seems to take place when her scars from Alex’s abuse are still very strong. But what interests me the most is the scenario and conflict you set up. Despite being abused and cast aside by Alex over and over again, she still harbours some form of affection for him, which is really hitting me in the heart.

      I do believe that Alex deserved every strike Daisy delivered and seeing her be torn up like this is really tragic to read. I’m curious as to how she will kill him or even if. It reminds me of something similar I read once in a different story. Very basically, in it a rebel tried to murder an emperor, who was ruling through a cult of personality strong enough that the awe the rebel felt in his presence caused him to hesitate, despite it all being propaganda. I was reminded of it, reading the end of the story.

      Great piece!

      1. Interestingly enough, this would be more of a relapse more than anything else. In the sense that Daisy was doing very well and then Alex brought the feelings back and along with the stress of realizing that she probably will have to kill him at some point reverted her back for a period.

        Either way, you’re absolutely right that it’s great that Rhea was there to help her.

        And the story of the emperor and the rebel is actually VERY similar to the situation. It’s not that Daisy isn’t aware that Alex is full of it. It still isn’t that easy to reconcile.

        Thanks so much for the review!

    3. “I’ve got a fever…and the only cure is more death knell!”

      I tried.

      The thing in my mind is that… I mean, as a normal mortal human, healing is something that takes at least a few hours to notice, depending on the injury. So, saying “he didn’t heal” … is that “he’s healing like a human” or “he’s not GOING to heal” in other words, the injury is permanent…which then begs the question how important it is for demons to have a whole and “functioning” body. Because…it must be fairly important, or healing wouldn’t be important, right? Or they would just ignore the injury until it became an inconvenience and then “manually” regenerate.

      For example, there’s a book where a God is injured, burned specifically, but God’s arent SUPPOSED to be injured. Shouldn’t be ABLE to be injured. So they don’t heal. It’s not part of them. So the burned God was just…burned forever.

      The point is, is Alex going to eventually get better, die eventually, or just continue living with some broken ribs and ruptured organs?

      1. As satisfying as it would be to think that Alex was just going to die of those injuries so that regardless of anything, Daisy had in fact ALREADY killed him, it is a matter of him healing much slower. He’s probably mostly if not completely fine at the moment but it’s difference of a Wolverine-esque healing factor as opposed to… needing a day to heal it or so.

        So the fact that Daisy(and Shayna for that matter, but I did NOT have the words to even begin to acknowledge her) can injure him enough to kill him in a fight when he was practically untouchable before is still a bit of a mindfuck.

  33. Afflictions (Darkspell Universe)
    By Alex Nightingale (aka Spectre)

    “How much time have you spent in the mind of a person?”

    Alastair’s question caused Max’s fingers to tense. Suggesting the very idea to him had, more often than not, caused someone to receive a glare from the exorcist to warrant a terrified fluster. The necromancer, however, was too accustomed to such simple intimidation tactics and they both knew it.

    “None,” Max said, very simply.

    “Shame,” Alastair pushed another needle into the skull of a fresh corpse in front of him. “You can find some truly fascinating things.”

    “Remind me to die as far away from you as possible.”

    Alastair let out a dark chuckle.

    “Oh, I wouldn’t dream of poking around in your brain, Max. I know what you keep in there.”

    Max ground his teeth, focusing on the corpse in front of him. He’d long since given up trying to argue with Alastair Maime. A pathologist/necromancer was not the easiest person to get along with.

    “Anything of relevance?” Max asked, nodding at the body.

    “Nothing,” Alastair folded his arms. “His death was too long ago. Next time, preserve it in some vinegar. It’ll buy you a day or so.”

    Max made a mental note. Evidently, even two days was too long for the procedure to still be effective.

    “Well, if you don’t have anything else…”

    “Oh, aren’t you curious about what I did find?”

    “A jumbled mess of meatball cravings and bad sex jokes?” Max was only half joking.

    “A fascinating cocktail of so many ailments,” Alastair chuckled again. “Greed, pettiness, spite. And so loud. Far too loud.”

    “Ailments, Alastair?”

    “Wouldn’t you call the desire to do harm an ailment?”

    Max had to bite back a harsh retort. He couldn’t exactly blame Alastair for his outlook. He knew from Felix that spite was a common feeling in the dead. Despite this, he couldn’t keep it all down.

    “I know you spend a lot of time among the dead, but maybe if you stopped looking at the human mind as a diseased mess and searched for everything else it has to offer, you might be a tad less miserable.”

    1. Lantis Armstrong Avatar
      Lantis Armstrong

      I suppose the desire to harm could be a symptom of an ailment, like with rabid animals or something, but… interesting that this Necromancer finds the mere impulse by itself to be a sickness. These two do seem like a great couple to just hangout with and listen to – poking around inside corpses while talking about philosophy. It does make me want to learn a lot more about them!

    2. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      This is an interesting scenario you are presenting. I have to agree with Lantis – these two might be interesting people to talk to, perhaps over a glass of wine. Reminds me a bit of the discussions of Mr. Ibis an Mr. Jackal in American Gods, and if you know my taste, that’s high praise!

    3. Lol I fully agree with the other comments on just vibing with these two conversing. Their opposing viewpoints which make complete sense with their characters were just a delight to read through, especially considering we’re talking about two people talking over and corpse, who’s mind they’re trying to read.

      The worrying thing is part of me probably agrees with Alastair a lot more than I like to admit. I put that up to me working customer service too long though lol. Point is, this was a very entertaining read and I loved this take on the prompt.

    4. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      As I said before, I absolutely love this story. I think it’s so finely crafted, and one of my favorite uses of the prompt anyone wrote this week.

      This is another story where you do a great job with contrast–two characters with contrasting views that makes both characters and arguments shine.

      “How much time have you spent in the mind of a person?”
      –Right off the bat I’m sucked right in. This is such an intriguing opener.

      “Alastair’s question caused Max’s fingers to tense.”
      –I like this action. It’s small but feels very real.

      It’s curious that Max is usually able to intimidate people. I usually think of him as very cool, and badass, but not necessarily someone to be afraid of. (Unless he’s in his possessed form). I also like that his usual tactics don’t work on Alastair.

      “Shame,” Alastair pushed another needle into the skull of a fresh corpse in front of him. “You can find some truly fascinating things.”
      –Both the action and the dialogue here are so great. It’s such a gross action that doesn’t seem to fit the casualness of his words…and therefore it perfectly encapsulates his character.

      “Remind me to die as far away from you as possible.”
      –I love this XD

      “Oh, I wouldn’t dream of poking around in your brain, Max. I know what you keep in there.”
      –Very curious. I wonder if he’s referring to the demon, or something else.

      “Oh, aren’t you curious about what I did find?”
      –Love this line too, feels like it cuts through the scene and I hold my breath, very curious myself.

      “A jumbled mess of meatball cravings and bad sex jokes?” Max was only half joking.”
      –XD This is why I love Max. Humor is really hard to write, and to have it work in such a serious scene is even harder. Hats off.

      “A fascinating cocktail of so many ailments,” Alastair chuckled again. “Greed, pettiness, spite. And so loud. Far too loud.”
      “Ailments, Alastair?”
      “Wouldn’t you call the desire to do harm an ailment?”
      –Gosh, I love this. I like that he still found more nebulous emotions, and the image of sins being sicknesses is both a very grabbing way to discuss this, and such a cool way to use the prompt. The cadence of the lines is great too.
      The last line makes me wonder if there’s hope for Alastair after all. He seemed rather immoral to me before I got to this line. But…he’s right that the desire to do harm is never a good thing.

      “He knew from Felix that spite was a common feeling in the dead.”
      –Very curious about this, and how it relates to how Reapers work in your universe.
      It’s also interesting the comparison between Felix and Alastair. I feel like maybe the reason Max snaps at Alastair is because he’s seen this happen with Felix: Felix wanted to do good and was consumed with all the evil he saw in the world.

      “I know you spend a lot of time among the dead, but maybe if you stopped looking at the human mind as a diseased mess and searched for everything else it has to offer, you might be a tad less miserable.”
      –And here you do what I always love about your writing: you take the end and bring it to a deeper, more transcendent, and positive place. A more human place, you might say. I love it.
      Here I was commending Alastair for seeing the desire to to harm as something bad…but Max is right too. If you look for the bad you will find it, and it will consume you. It’s important to see the good in humanity. You took it to an even deeper layer of good messages.
      I’m also curious why he says that Alastair is miserable. Max might not approve of his lifestyle, but I haven’t seen anything so far to allude to the idea that he isn’t happy?

      Wonderful job!!

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