Tale Foundry

Writing Group: The End of the Hallway (PRIVATE)

—

by

thetalefoundry
in , ,

Hello, Travellers and Midnight Wanderers!

How do you feel about hallways? They’re pretty different from stairways, aren’t they? Yet still similar… but much flatter, they don’t really move up or down. They’re… connective, I suppose. Well, I guess we better study up on architecture, because…

This week’s Writing Group prompt is:

The End of the Hallway

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

Hallways are everywhere. It’s hard to find a building that doesn’t have at least one. Hospitals are riddled with them, as are universities, schools, offices, even theatres and pools. There’s always some form of hallway connecting one room to another.

Hallways have also been used a lot in media. In horrors, there’s always some version where the demon or the ghost is waiting at the other end of the hallway, staring down the protagonist with a face of stone or a malicious glare or grin. In adventure or thrill-seeking movies, the scene is that some priceless artifact lies on a lit pedestal at the end, and the entire hallway is lined with all sorts of traps and dangers to prevent theft… which usually end up all failing at their job. Those are a couple of ways you could take this prompt. 

Another is to explore the world of being a construction foreman, charged with putting together a house or apartment building. Maybe the end of the hallway still needs to be built, or maybe it’s been mismeasured and now nothing lines up right. Maybe a way you choose to explore this prompt is by navigating the hallways of a hospital. You’re in a rush, but still wanting to take your time, gripped by the dread of finally making it to your destination, and whatever horrible news that arrival brings. Perhaps you choose the story of the time you woke in the middle of the night and needed to use the bathroom, but the dark hallway seemed impassable. The creaks of the house, branches tapping on windows that are out of view, your imagination running wild and making you see those two shining button eyes in the darkness.

This prompt could even refer to tunnel vision, hyperfixating on one thing that prods your mind incessantly for hours and hours, or focused on one thing in front of you and blocking out everything else. You could be focused on a hurtful comment, or maybe you’re just really adamant about beating this level in the game. It could even be a depiction of indecision or journey; a hallway is that long stretch between point A and point B, and sometimes it’s easier to go back than to go forward, even if you know you’re not supposed to be. 

So whatever path you choose, just keep pushing onward. Eventually you’ll reach the other end, and it’ll either be everything you dreamed, everything you feared… or perhaps even a strange mix of the two.

—Shawna

—

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

Tune into the stream this Saturday at 3:00pm CST to see if you made the cut!

The whole purpose of this is to show off the creativity of the community, while also helping each other to become better writers. Lean into that spirit! Get ready not just to share what you’ve got, but to give back to the other writers here as well.

Rules and Guidelines

We read at least four stories during each stream, two of which come from the public post, and two of which come from the much smaller private post. Submissions are randomly selected by a bot, but likes on your post will improve your chances of selection, so be sure to share your submission on social media!

  1. Text and Formatting

    1. English only.
    2. Prose only, no poetry or lyrics.
    3. Use proper spelling, grammar, and syntax.
    4. Your piece must be between 250-350 words (you can use this website to see your wordcount).
    5. Use two paragraph breaks between each paragraph so that they have a proper space between them (press “enter” or “return” twice).
    6. Include a submission title and an author name (doesn’t have to be your real name). Do not include any additional symbols or flourishes in this part of your submission. Format them exactly as you see in this example, or your submission may not be eligible: Example Submission.
    7. No additional text styling (such as italics or bold text). Do not use asterisks, hyphens, or any other symbol to indicate whether text should be bold, italic, or styled in any other way. CAPS are okay, though.

  2. What to Submit

    1. Keep submissions “safe-for-work”; be sparing with sexuality, violence, and profanity.
    2. Try to focus on making your submission a single meaningful moment rather than an entire story.
    3. Write something brand new; no re-submitting past entries or pieces written for other purposes
    4. No fan fiction whatsoever. Take inspiration from whatever you’d like, but be transformative and creative with it. By submitting, you also agree that your piece does not infringe on any existing copyrights or trademarks, and you have full license to use it.
    5. Submissions must be self-contained (everything essential to understanding the piece is contained within the context of the piece itself—no mandatory reading outside the piece required. e.g., if you want to write two different pieces in the same setting or larger narrative, you cannot rely on information from one piece to fill in for the other—they must both give that context independently).

  3. Submission Rules

    1. One submission per participant.
    2. Submit your entry in a comment on this post.
    3. Submissions close at 12:00pm CST each Friday.
    4. You must like and leave a review on two other submissions to be eligible. Your reviews must be at least 50 words long, and must be left directly on the submission you are reviewing, not on another comment. If you’re submitting to the private post, feel free to leave these reviews on either the private or the public post. The two submissions you like need not be the same as the submissions you review.
    5. Be constructive and uplifting. These submissions are not for a professional market, and shouldn’t be treated as such. We do this, first and foremost, for the joy of the craft. Help other writers to feel like their work is valuable, and be considerate and gentle with critique when you offer it. Authors who leave particularly abrasive or disheartening remarks on this post will be disqualified from selection for readings.
    6. Use the same e-mail for your posts, reviews, and likes, or you may be rendered ineligible (you may change your username or author name between posts without problem, however).
    7. You may submit to either or both the public/private groups if you have access, but if you decide to submit to both, only the private group submission will be eligible.
    8. Understand that by submitting here, you are giving us permission to read your submission aloud live on stream and upload public, archived recordings of said stream to our social media platforms. You will always be credited, but only by the author name you supply as per these rules. No other links or attributions are guaranteed.

Comments on this post that aren’t submissions will be deleted, except for replies/reviews left on existing submissions.

Comments

46 responses to “Writing Group: The End of the Hallway (PRIVATE)”

  1. WolfsbaneX Avatar
    WolfsbaneX

    “Hallway to Perdition”
    By Hemming Sebastian Bane

    Long awoke in the dark. The solid stone dug deep into his shoulders. The cold crawled up his form. The kyorinrin climbed to his feet, the pages that made up his body ruffling softly. Long looked left, then right. Left, then right. He was in a… hallway? An old-looking hallway. That was strange. Wait. What was he doing before–

    Long’s thoughts were interrupted as a huge roar echoed behind him. Suddenly, the dark corridor lit up as the stone bricks that composed it turned red hot. The kyorinrin screamed as the soles of his feet began to curl and char and bleed inky black. And in the dim light of the heat, he saw something horrible. Its presence made Long’s head hurt and the walls around him spin. Abominable antlers and horrible horns, malicious maws and titanic talons. Ever-shifting, the shambling creature crawled across the searing stone towards the cowering kyorinrin.

    Long ran. Awkwardly, the paper man ran, leaving ashes and ink-stains behind. He could hear it. It was getting louder. Louder. LOUDER. It hit Long with the force of a tsunami, forcing the kyorinrin to his hands and knees. He screamed and screamed as the hot stone seared the scrolls that composed his body.

    Sudden flashes raced across Long’s memory. Laughing with friends after he fell out of a tree. His miserable, rigorous training in the lower court. The note the queen consort asked him to write. The coins given to keep him quiet. The day the palace went up in flames…

    Long awoke in the dark. The kyorinrin climbed to his feet as fast as he could. Suddenly, the hallway was again glowing with heat. Long screamed as his flesh burned and he leaked black. He started to run down the hall. There had to be a door. A staircase. A hideaway. Something that might protect him from goring and biting and slashing and burning. Even a turn would suffice at this point. But no. It was just a hall. One. Burning. Endless. Hall.

    The creature formed again behind Long. The hall glowed. This… was forever, wasn’t it?

    Reply
  2. jesse fisher Avatar
    jesse fisher

    That was a hallway, right?
    By Jesse Fisher

    Some wonder about the places that never have a permanent place in this world, even if it is just a lifetime. Places that have stories but unless memerible it was just a forgotten thing. This also means some places are just an enigma of unknowable mysteries that play in the back of people’s minds. The older the place and the more ‘pristine’ makes people wonder.

    “What do the walls know that we forgot?”

    Some wonder what laids beyond doors, or why were the ceiling lowered? Small changes that one only notices in a place that is almost always the same regard. Yet it is almost always different. Some are single buildings, while others are multiple buildings with a center hub. Decorations distract or add to the mystery of a place. Yet some just stop, like you look and think you see something but it is an open sky. Shake your head and you could swear this was an enclosed building or maybe the tiredness got to you.

    “Could have been the last place, I swear these places just blend together if you stay in them long enough.”

    When the walls were there one moment, but the next they are gone, yet the decore is what it was beforehand so it must be just something from all the driving. Transient places have this effect on people. Some wonder the paths between, before finding their destination. Now if that is several hallways ago and the seven flashes of the world before then it is just a part of the journey.

    Reply
  3. Lunabear Avatar
    Lunabear

    The Lupin and The Dreamwalker
    by Lunabear and Spectre

    Sam’s silent footsteps led her along the reflective hall. The mirrors continued endlessly. They pulsed with light.

    From above, her own cerulean gaze glared down at her. She liked her strawberry blonde hair but scowled at her red, lupine ears and flicking tail.

    Why couldn’t SHE pass for human, too? Reflections of her siblings haunted her.

    She ran until her feet numbed. WHY wasn’t she as tactical or more tuned into nature?

    Why was she STUCK between them? Tears fell.

    She ran faster, but couldn’t reach the end. Anger flooded her, and she struck the mirrors, shattering them on impact. They reassembled instantaneously.

    The space beneath reflected nothing. She dropped to her knees and wept even more.

    Sam would never escape their shadows.

    One of the mirrors burst without warning, shards hovering in the air. Sam turned, seeing a young, black-haired woman on the ground.

    “Ow… That actually hurt…” The woman stood, spying Sam. “Oh… hello. This your dream? I’m Valerie. Sorry about the mirror.”

    The shards didn’t mend. Sam hastily scrubbed away her tears. “How…are you here?”

    “I…fell.” Valerie touched her chin. “I can walk through dreams, and sometimes… Well, I fall into other people’s. You have a lot of mirrors here. Though… these reflections aren’t you. Friends? Family?”

    “No one you should worry about.” Sam stared at the empty space. “WHY are you here?”

    “Look, I didn’t mean to be here. It was an accident. I’ll leave, if you want, but… I can see this isn’t pleasant for you. If you need someone to talk to, I could hang around for a bit.”

    Sam snarled. “No, thanks. Leave.” Her knees touched her chin, and her ears and tail drooped.

    Valerie raised her hands.

    “Okay. Sorry for dropping in like this.” She began retreating. “I’ll find an exit.”

    Sam studied the shards.

    “There’s NEVER an exit.”

    Valerie smiled. “There’s always one; you just have to find it.” She extended a hand. “Let me show you.”

    “I’m never able to leave.”

    “WE will.”

    With Valerie’s help, Sam stood.

    Valerie gently led her out.

    Behind them, the mirror slowly repaired itself.

    Reply
    1. Marx Avatar
      Marx

      Well this is certainly a rollercoaster of emotion lol. You do a great job of describing the room both as a room of mirrors as well as their significance as reflections of her regrets that she literally can’t escape from or destroy because they’re always there. Very powerful imagery.

      And I love Valerie just popping in there and giving the poor girl some much needed hope. It made the ending so much more satisfying, especially when Sam took her hand. I adore this idea and this take on the prompt. Very well done!

      Reply
    2. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      This is such a lovely story, Luna! And a great intro to Sam. I’m very curious to read more about her now.

      I love the image of the hall of mirrors. That’s always a setting I’m a fan of, especially in dreams. The concept of mirrors that don’t reflect you is really interesting. Almost like her siblings are not her…and yet they’re also pieces of her, and she pieces of them. She sees in them what she herself wants to be, but can’t be.

      Definitely very curious to read more about Sam and her struggle with not being able to pass as human. It sounds like a very interesting one.
      It’s also interesting that she looks wolfish but is not attuned to nature. (I’m guessing the “tactical” one is Victor, and the “attuned to nature” one is Rosie?)

      I love the image of her breaking the mirror and then it reforming herself. The idea of her snapping and letting her anger out and doing something violent…only for her own mind to mock her, by not letting the effects stay, as if telling her she’ll never be able to make a difference, is powerful.

      “The space beneath reflected nothing.”
      –I missed this line before. It’s interesting and cool how she drops down to her knees in the one place where there are no reflections.

      Still love the image of Valerie breaking the mirror and the shards not mending.
      At first I saw it as a hopeful image, that maybe its possible to break the mirror, but now I wonder if that fact just taunted Sam more–*others* can break the mirrors, but not *her.*

      I definitely think I was wrong earlier about the anger reaction. It works. I was able to see in this readthrough that Sam is angry the whole time. She “hastily scrubs her tears away”, and then all her dialogue is slightly snippy, and then its after Valerie has been pestering her (at least, I think to Sam its pestering) for a while that she finally snarls.
      Sorry I was a bit too harsh on that earlier.

      I still love the ending where Valerie is able to help her. It interjects some hope into a situation that very much needs it, and is lovely to read. Even if Valerie can’t help her long term, its lovely to see that she’s able to be there for her in this moment.
      “There’s never an exit” seems like a summary and symbol of everything else going on emotionally before that–she feels stuck and trapped in her situation and can’t get out. It’s lovely that someone is there to tell her that she isn’t trapped, it just is going to take some finding.
      It might even be a symbol in another way–that Sam isn’t *looking* for the exit. She’s sort of trapped *herself* by not accepting herself.
      Even if Valerie can’t help her long term hopefully the message that there is an exit will stick with Sam in the future.

      I really love that ending image of the mirror reforming. I didn’t fully catch it until I read Alex’s, where he more explicitly talked about her not being able to help long term. I think, now, that it’s not necessarily supposed to be a sinister image of what’s to come, but rather showing that fact–that just because she can make it out of *this* dream doesn’t mean her problems are automatically healed. It’s a very neat and impactful way of showing it.

      Wonderful job, you guys!!

      P.S. Is the title supposed to be “Lupine” or “Lupin”?

      Reply
    3. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      This was a really cool and emotional story! You and Spectre did a great job with this collab. ^w^
      Sam is definately suffering heavily from self-comparison to others – it seems like her siblings unintentionally create a tug of war for her, both representing very different ways of coping with their unique heritage. I wonder if one of the siblings embraced their human side more thoroughly, while the other instead chose to embrace their wolfish nature instead – hence the ‘tuned to nature’ aspect?

      It was a really strong moment when Valerie entered the picture – you had established the rules of this dream, only to instantly break that rule to represent the disruptive influence that Valerie has within dreams. And clearly that was a big deal for Sam – during the initial conversation, her focus seemed to be more upon the broken mirror than the dream-intruder herself.

      And it was very sweet indeed, Valerie taking the time (despite Sam’s initial aggression) to try and at least temporarily soothe her worries and despair, just by showing her that escape was indeed a possibility within the dream. Because if it’s possible to do so with Valerie’s help, then the potential also exists for Sam to escape it all by herself too…

      Great work Luna! You did a great job with this one. :3

      Reply
  4. Rattus Avatar
    Rattus

    Greed
    by Gerrit (Rattus)

    It could be anything. A gargoyle, an incubus, perhaps one of the Named Ones. Though if it was the latter, she may have bitten off more than she could chew.

    Narine stepped through the gorge with no small measure of caution, each shifting pebble underfoot threatening to betray her approach. Her sword hung loose in one hand, her grip ready to tighten for a swing at a moment’s notice.

    She checked over her supplies one last time. Holy water, caltrops, a blowgun. A gas mask hanging around her collar, and as many knives as she could fit on her person. She was as prepared as anyone could hope to be.

    Somewhere between these rocky walls, hiding amidst the darkness and stone, lurked a demon. A foul creature born of fire and smoke, preying on unsuspecting people who dared stray too far from the safety of their settlements.

    Wind whistled through the ravine, rustling the leaves of the few trees stubborn enough to grow here. As she drew closer her breaths became shallower, the palms of her hand slicking with sweat.

    One final turn around a sheer cliff face, and she found herself staring at her target. And in that moment she realized that she never could have been prepared.

    Mammon stood before her, covered head to toe in finery and riches, the flames of Hell reflected in the jewels of his crown. Where he stood the shallow light of the moon seemed to bend around him, the air surrounding him somehow darker.

    As their eyes met, a twisted smile formed on his lips. A chuckle rumbled out of his mouth, echoing through the expanse as though it were coming from all around her. His voice, deep and commanding, cut through to her core.

    “About time we met in person, Princess.”

    Reply
    1. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      There’s a lot of wonderful worldbuilding here, Gerrit. The ravine being the hallway is a very clever idea, too. I don’t know if Mammon is an established demon from a specific mythology or religion, but I really like the details you used to describe him. The last line makes this feel like the prelude to an awesome fight scene, and I’m all here for it. Overall, a fun read, Gerrit!

      Reply
    2. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Ooooooh!!

      This was an interesting one. The piece is mostly a lot of tension leading up to the end, and I was like “Oooh we get revenge Narine today!! Time to kick some demon’s ass!!” and then the end is totally unexpected. It’s not unexciting, but it’s exciting in a different way that sweeps the rug out from under my feet. Which I think is what you were intending.

      “A gargoyle, an incubus, perhaps one of the Named Ones.”
      –I don’t know why I didn’t think about how you’d have different *types* of demons in this world, that’ll be fun to read about. The “Named Ones” is really curious. Both from a “what type of demon is that?” perspective, and in the sense that it almost sounds like it could just be “It could be a generic type of demon, or another generic type of demon, or it could be an individual demon with a name.” If its the latter, it seems like Mammon *is* one of the Named Ones.

      “each shifting pebble underfoot threatening to betray her approach.”
      –I like this image

      I like that the list ends with “and as many knives as she could fit on her person.” Like its a list of a bunch of specific things, and then it’s like “You know a bunch of knives sounds like a really good idea” XD I love it.
      What’s are caltrops?

      Demons are born of fire and smoke, huh? Interesting…I both wonder what exactly that means in general, and it makes me curious if they can give off warmth and light in this dark, cold world. If being around a demon could potentially physically help you survive…but also might cost you your life..because the demon might kill you.
      Could that be one of the reasons why people eat demon flesh? To try to gain their power of fire? But it taints them?

      “the few trees stubborn enough to grow here.” is a great line too.
      Is it the place that makes it hard for them to grow, though, or is it the lack of sun? Or is “here” just the world itself?

      “Mammon stood before her, covered head to toe in finery and riches, the flames of Hell reflected in the jewels of his crown. Where he stood the shallow light of the moon seemed to bend around him, the air surrounding him somehow darker.”
      –This paragraph is chefs kiss. Especially “the flames of Hell reflected in the jewels of his crown.” I don’t know if you meant it this way, but it gives off this image that they aren’t reflecting flames that are around them, but rather pulling the flames of hell into them. Like it looks so sinister that flames that aren’t even physically present reflect inside the jewels.
      The extra darkness around him is a cool image, and it could potentially be extra maddening in this world, because its just another reminder that the demons stole their light.
      Very interesting that he’s called Mammon right away, like she very much knows who he is and/or they already have some sort of relationship.
      Interesting that a super powerful demon could just be hanging out in the woods.
      I don’t recognize the name, but if I had to make a guess, I’d guess that he’s the demon of greed. That there are named demons who represent the seven deadly sins and he’s the greed one.

      The last line is very curious. I wonder if she’s literally a princess, and that is tied to her revenge quest. And how this powerful demon knows who she is.

      Great job!! I really want a sequel to this story to see how the conversation goes down!!

      Reply
    3. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      FINALLY SOMEONE USES MAMMON, LORD OF BUYING GOOD FRIENDS!

      Your pacing is really good for this scene. Good work!

      Reply
  5. Calliope Rannis Avatar
    Calliope Rannis

    A Dark Path (Nyx’s Story)
    By Calliope Rannis

    Nyx treaded carefully down into the opened passage, accompanied only by the bloody moonlight of the false temple above. Beyond the stairwell, the small hallway was utterly lightless.

    She squinted, trying to adjust her eyes. Gnomes like her had naturally good vision in darkness…or they were supposed to, anyway. But her eyes were slower to adapt than most.

    “That’s probably the human in us!” Her mother had light-heartedly stated once. Nyx remembered that sentence with a grimace. Yes, it probably was.

    Still, she thought as she walked deeper into the corridor, it’s not like she needed to worry. After all, she had done exactly what her Lord had asked.

    The light of the stairwell faded with distance, as the darkness continued unrelentingly onwards. Gods, the silence was suffocating. Her footsteps, her breathing, even her thoughts felt louder than they had ever been.

    Thoughts like the face of that man, when he- when she-

    He had been too loud and bold for his own good. What did he think was going to happen, when he kept talking about her Lord like that? In public, no less?

    Of course someone would have had to deal with him. It didn’t matter that it had been her. Someone would have had to do it.

    Nyx quickened her cautious pace a little, trying not to think too hard about her day. And failing.

    She – she hadn’t done anything. Not really. It had been the poison that had killed him, not her!

    Anyone could have delivered it. Anyone!

    She wasn’t in trouble. Lord Lectara had wanted this. There was no danger here…

    No. Danger had always been here.

    And now, she’d become part of the danger too.

    A speck of light caught her eyes. A single candle flame, hovering in the void.

    Nyx stumbled to a halt, as she realised that the walls of the passage had fallen away into a much larger room. The only light was the candle…and above it, a pair of burning red eyes.

    “Miss Nyx Murnor,” Lord Lectara spoke, his voice resonating through her bones. “We have been waiting for you.”

    Reply
    1. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      Am I glad this prompt finally won because it is a very good prompt? Yes. Am I also glad it finally won so I can read this story you’ve said you’ve had in the works for ages? Also yes!

      The atmosphere you created in this piece is gripping, Calliope. The setting and its capturing darkness leading into Nyx’s internal monologue feels very natural, which is not an easy thing to do. Also, am I correct in assuming Lord Lectara is evil? The whole story sets him up that way, at the very least.

      Great to read this long-awaited piece, Calliope. Awesome job!

      Reply
  6. Glaceon373 Avatar
    Glaceon373

    In the Here and Now
    by Carrie (Glaceon373)

    “Well, we made it.” I place my hands on my hips. “Door 100.”

    “Honessstly, I thought it’d be fancier,” the snake wrapped around my arm hisses.

    “The fancy door was the ACTUAL Door 100, you doof,” chirps the bird on my shoulder. “We didn’t start going through doors in this hallway until, uh, Door 15? 14, maybe? Is this actually our 100th door?”

    “You ssshould think about that for, like, hoursss,” the snake grins.

    “No thanks,” I sigh. “I’d rather think about how we plan to open this door. Ideas?”

    “Oh! Another DiamondBridge piece?” the bird asks.

    “Hmm… nah,” I say. “We just did two in a row.”

    “Maybe, jussst maybe, they’re getting bored—ouch!” the snake starts before the bird pecks its tail.

    “I know they’re not bored of it, you anxiety metaphor,” I chuckle. “And besides, it doesn’t matter if they are or not, right?”

    “Yeah!” The mouse in my pocket pumps its tiny fist in the air. “We care about ourselves! We’re improving every day!”

    “Are you sssure?” asks the snake, pretending not to stare hungrily at the mouse.

    “Snake, I appreciate your input, but please shush,” I say.

    “We still need an idea,” squawks the bird. “And it should be special, too. It’s a special day, a special door, so it deserves a special piece. Right?”

    I look around the hallway, throwing a glance over my shoulder. There are doors upon doors that I’ve opened, sometimes ripped off their hinges, sometimes just barely wide enough to fit through.

    But, of course, this isn’t the only hallway. I’ve gone through hundreds already. Hallways for writing groups and friendships and interests and learning, and I go through them all at once.

    Except for the ones that have ended. I don’t like thinking about those ones.

    And, most importantly, I don’t want to end this one.

    I look back at the door in front of me. A little placard, golden with black text, displays the prompt, as per usual.

    “Hey, guys?” I pull a pencil from behind my ear. “When did I last write in the present tense?”

    Reply
    1. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      Oh, I’m so glad this isn’t the actual end of your hallway. I, for one, can tell you I haven’t got bored of your stories.
      This was a fun piece to read, with each of the animals representing a different aspect of your psyche. Very meta.
      Apologies for the short review. But I still wanted to let you know I enjoyed it.

      Reply
    2. Rattus Avatar
      Rattus

      This was such a fun piece! When I got to the bird breaking the fourth wall and realized this was going to be a meta piece, it made me smile. Not only was this piece just generally fun, it was a glance into your thought/creative process regarding crating prompts, which was really interesting. I definitely feel your pain on the “I’ve already done two of these in a row, people might be getting bored.” But this was a really fun piece and such a joy to read!

      Reply
    3. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      Oh this was a trip and a half, the old hallways of the mind. And you have travel companions; anxiety, hope, and courage. I have my own, but that is getting off track. I like how there is an ongoing tale with all of this and how it lends into your mind and how you write something. I enjoy it and would like to travel in there again.

      Reply
    4. WolfsbaneX Avatar
      WolfsbaneX

      Wait. Is this your one hundredth piece?! Congratulations! Anyway, review review, yes, professionalism. I am always a sucker for meta-fiction, so having the “I” here be literally you, Carrie, was wonderful. I also loved how you were unafraid to add in fantastical elements. All of the meta stuff I’ve read is super self-referential and more realistic, but you eschewed that and made a more lively story. That is extremely commendable. My only question is who are the snake, mouse and bird? Amazing job!

      Reply
  7. MasaCur Avatar
    MasaCur

    What Happened Here?
    By MasaCur

    Shigure advanced upon the farm house, revolver in hand. After cocking his head to the side and hearing nothing, he waved. Sonja rushed forward.

    “There’s no one around,” Shigure said. He pointed at the hen house nearby. “Over half the chickens are dead. The ones that aren’t have taken to eating the ones that are. No one’s here to feed them.”

    “We should check the house,” Sonja replied.

    Shigure holstered the revolver and pushed back his Stetson. “I don’t think we’re going to find those missing yokai. At least not living, at any rate.”

    “If we find their corpses, then we’ll at least know what happened to them.” Sonja tried the front door of the house. It swung open freely. “You should check the root cellar.”

    Shigure circled to the side of the house, and pulled at the cellar doors. The smell of spoiled eggs permeated the air, but underneath it all, he could also smell the rot of flesh. He descended into the darkness, his eyes quickly adapting to the lack of light.

    A hallway ran off the end of the cellar, and at the end was a door. Shigure advanced upon it, the smell of desiccating flesh growing stronger as he did. He kicked the door open.

    Inside was what could only be described as the cross between a prison and a laboratory. Humanoids, not quite human, were slumped in cages. All dead, but not of starvation. It was as if something carved into the back of their heads.

    Lying on the floor was one of the human hunters that had imprisoned them, the back of his head also cut open. A notebook was clutched in his hand, and Shigure flipped through it.

    The door swung open. Shigure drew his gun, but saw it was only Sonja.

    “The entire family of hunters is dead upstairs,” she said.

    “The yokai are as well. No sign of what killed them..”

    Sonja nodded. “Gather up the notes; we’ll go through them on the road. I’ll burn the place to the ground when we leave.”

    Reply
    1. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      Oooooh, the tone is very clear here, Masa! The spook-spook is strong with this piece. The dialogue between Shigure and Sonja flows very well. You also establish the setting clearly, all the way up to what is at the end of the hallway. The descriptions of the corpses, while graphic, is very effective. Overall, a very enthralling piece, Masa. Great job!

      Reply
  8. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
    i-prefer-the-term-antihero

    [Removed]

    Reply
    1. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      Wow, this was a captivating story. It had such a great, creepy atmosphere.
      Poor Elizabeth (at least I’m going to presume that’s who she is). I mean, it doesn’t come as much of a surprise, given what I know of the Frankenstein story, but it’s still sad to see what’s become of her. I’m sure Victor is haunted with the fate he made for her, one it seems that would be worse than death.
      I really enjoyed reading this one, Anti.

      Reply
    2. GJFuller Avatar
      GJFuller

      This was really good!
      I feel like the formatting got in the way of my full emersion into this, though. Some of these sentences could have been put together into one paragraph, but I can see why you did it the way you did. I do have to ask why the speaker first calls his father “Victor” at the beginning? It just seems out of place for the level of trust and respect the speaker obviously has for him. However, if you gave other indications that the speaker held some sort of contempt for his father then it would make sense as (at least from the culture I’m speaking from) calling your parent by their first name is taken as a sign of disrespect. (something I have been smacked in the mouth for doing)
      But, otherwise, the reveal was super cool. I think that this would do well as a longer piece without the word limit constraints.
      In addition, I really like that build and I would have liked more descriptions of the attic. Just more atmosphere that I feel was curbed (again due to the word limit)
      Really good work!

      Reply
    3. Marx Avatar
      Marx

      Just coming into a person’s room, screaming bloody murder and waking them from their peaceful zombie slumber. They try to give their long lost daughter a hug and she just runs away in terror. Rudeness. Rudeness is what this is.

      Lol no, seriously though this was amazing. I loved the setup for the room. I loved the description of her mother and her own horror at seeing her like that and there were certain lines that just really hit you hard because they were done so well. Like the, she breathed and then she didn’t. And the something in the milk of her eyes churned. Something about that phrasing just makes you shudder.

      And I loved the ending. That last line sums up the whole thing. Yes, it’s very clear you tried good Sir. But it’s just as clear that it didn’t go too well for ya lol. Great use of the prompt in this one.

      Reply
      1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
        i-prefer-the-term-antihero

        Hahaha amazing XD

        Ahh I’m so glad you liked it!! And especially that you liked those lines!! I liked the breathing lines but wasn’t sure they would make sense, and then the milk line was definitely a phrasing I was hoping would be shudder-inducing. So this is really great to hear!!

        Yay!! Haha, very true!!
        It would be too funny if Peter responded that way
        Victor: “I tried to save her life.”
        Peter: “Well that didn’t go to well for ya, did it?”
        XD
        And I’m very happy you liked my use of the prompt too!! I had basically only one story that would work for this prompt…but it was one I was happy to use.

        (By the way, Peter actually goes by he/him! My three main first person POVs (Victor, Peter, and Savion) are all male. “The Ballad of the Monsters: …” at the top will always tell you who’s POV it is (or who the story is about, if it’s none of their POVs). Kinda necessary to clarify when you *have* three first person POVs XD)

        Thanks again!! This made me so happy to read

        Reply
    4. Rattus Avatar
      Rattus

      Good Lord! I don’t know what I expected, but it certainly wasn’t that! This was a great read, and the twist of it being his mother was beautifully done. At first I thought “oh cool, this is going to be the first time Peter meets the creature” but boy was I wrong(which I think was probably your intention). As soon as Peter realized it was a female, my initial reaction was “oh no” because I just knew this is where it was going. But even knowing what the reveal was going to be, it didn’t make it hit any less hard. This piece was very well done, great job!

      Reply
    5. WolfsbaneX Avatar
      WolfsbaneX

      I do love the macabre Gothic flavor of this tale. This just went from reinventing Frankenstein to full-on reminding me of some messed up Tim Burton nightmare. No wonder Peter is messed up. I do think the buildup could have been more impactful, but I may be nitpicking. I think my main problem is when did Peter get the key? I may have missed that. Other than that, I really enjoyed this. Good gorey fun for the whole family.

      Reply
    6. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      Tagback!

      Gotta say, I didn’t see this one coming. I FULLY expected the shadow to be in the attic in truth and Peter to accept the creature (then fly away to Neverland). But this… good gods below….

      Your writing is perfect for this scene. Great work!

      Reply
  9. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
    RVMPLSTLTSKN

    What Happens at The House
    By RVMPLSTLTSKN (The Saga of The Deep One’s Wake)

    The Usurper’s emissary came to the House. Was sent.

    He was a man thick of body and mind. His memories and past, like jade, stood in relief on his muscles. The scars there told a story of trust and betrayal and vengeance. He used to be one of a set.

    The god Charn welcomed him, as Charn welcomed all who came to the House, and invited him to stay.

    The emissary accepted, but at dinner, seeing the meal, he drew from his pack that mark of his station, a weapon of silver and quartz. A spear to kill gods.

    Charn, the masked god, got the first thrust as only someone who knows the manner of things can. He took apart that godslayer and fashioned from it, crudely and quickly, utensils for eating.

    The emissary fled, unable to exit the House—for no mortal who comes to the House can leave—and so he ran down the long hallway, past the alcoves of past residents and arrivals, past the catacombs of stacked bones and gristle. He ran, a man pursued by his past as much as his future, until he reached the end of the hallway.

    MY GUESTS ARE NOT USUALLY SO LIVELY, Charn told him. NOR SO RUDE.

    The emissary laughed, hysterical. “You know nothing of rudeness! You offer me that to eat?”

    YOUR MASTER KNEW. JUST AS HE KNEW WHAT THE WANDERER WOULD DO.

    The horror on the man’s face revealed his hidden fears.

    YOU MAY HAVE SLAIN YOUR BROTHER, BUT SHE DID NOT TEMPT HIM ALONE. IT WAS YOUR MASTER’S PLAN. DO YOU TRULY BELIEVE YOU ARE SO DIFFERENT AS TO ASCEND LIKE HIM? YOU ARE HIS CREATURE AND IF YOU WILL NOT FEED HIM, YOU WILL FEED ME.

    Charn left there with more jade than the god had ever felt, but the ghastly red grin beneath the porcelain mask never faltered.

    Those who ponder the manner of things sometimes neglect to remember the appetite of gods. A satiated god is a god who no longer needs mortals.

    Reply
    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Ooooohhhhhh, Drake! This tasty little morsel has left me just as satisfied as Charn. Excellent use of the prompt, especially as a horror. The emissary doesn’t even get a name, and that’s a classic move in Spookyville that THAT character ain’t making it out alive.

      A feast is a great setting for sacrificial offerings. Although, I will say that I initially thought this segment

      (He took apart that godslayer and fashioned from it, crudely and quickly, utensils for eating.)

      was in regards to the emissary. Would have made for a lovely image. But that was completely my fault for misreading it.

      He was a man thick of body and mind. (This line made me giggle for a full two minutes, and I do not know why.)

      Also, Charn taking food from another god may indeed cause some conflict. I’m also assuming that the “she” being referenced is Klojonas. Another wonderful piece all around. Super excited to see what you post next! Thank you so much for writing and sharing this one!

      Reply
    2. GJFuller Avatar
      GJFuller

      You have a great sense of atmosphere here. The word choices really made me feel like I was reading some sort of myth from another world’s book. I guess my only question would be as to why Charn speaks in all caps while the emissary gets quotations?
      The pacing was pretty good, though it felt a bit rushed towards the ends (that might be a factor of our word limit). I would have liked to “seen” more of the dinner before it got interrupted.
      All in all, it was pretty enjoyable. I don’t know the characters that well, but it had some great atmosphere. Good work!

      Reply
    3. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Ooh nice!! This one is nice and action-packed, I like it!! And each of Charn’s stories just make me more curious about him.

      “He was a man thick of body and mind. His memories and past, like jade, stood in relief on his muscles. The scars there told a story of trust and betrayal and vengeance. He used to be one of a set.”
      –Gosh I love this whole paragraph. The first line is funny and clever, memories like jade is a really neat image, and a person being “one of a set” is a cool turn of phrase.

      “The god Charn welcomed him, as Charn welcomed all who came to the House, and invited him to stay.”
      –Probably sounds benevolent to those who haven’t read other stories about the House, but after the last one this seems very sinister…Of course you’re welcomed…because you’ll never leave…

      “but at dinner, seeing the meal, he drew from his pack that mark of his station, a weapon of silver and quartz. A spear to kill gods.”
      –The meal being the point where things break is I’m sure a point of curiosity for those who don’t know the story, for myself, well…I can’t blame him. I like that being what sets everything off. Usually in these types of scenes it’d be something surrounding the meal that starts a fight, I like that it’s the actual meal that sets everything off.
      Very curious that a god-killing-weapon would be made of silver and quartz–things that, while still precious, are a bit more common. I’d think a god-slaying-weapon would be made of some sort of unique material. I wonder what it means. Or if it just means that the Emissary doesn’t really know what he’s doing.

      “Charn, the masked god, got the first thrust as only someone who knows the manner of things can”
      –I like this. Interesting how he knew it would happen right away. Can’t say I’m surprised though. It’s the image of being in complete control of the situation.

      “He took apart that godslayer and fashioned from it, crudely and quickly, utensils for eating.”
      –I didn’t catch this on my first readthrough, this is a slightly hilarious image, and I love it.
      Emissary: I’m gonna kill you!
      Charn: Gee thanks for the fork, buddy!
      XD

      I like the paragraph about him running through the hallway.
      “past the catacombs of stacked bones and gristle.”
      –I like the death image + food image. It’s clever. Also, I think this is the first outright death image, and it definitely cuts through the image of a benevolent and normal house well.
      “He ran, a man pursued by his past as much as his future,”
      –Love this.

      “MY GUESTS ARE NOT USUALLY SO LIVELY, Charn told him. NOR SO RUDE.
      The emissary laughed, hysterical. “You know nothing of rudeness! You offer me that to eat?”
      –Cool little exchange. Always love a casual villain.

      Very curious that the Emissary’s master knew ahead of time. I wonder if he sent the Emissary there to die, or if it was some other reason. I also wonder “what the wanderer would do” and if it’s already done, or going to happen.

      The last three paragraphs are where I get rather lost, honestly.
      The master and wanderer line is intriguing, but then the larger paragraph about slaying his brother is where I get confused. And those details honestly don’t seem important to this particular story, so they sort of take some of the power from the climax for me.

      The jade image is odd at the end. I thought it was a cool simile up top, so it’s odd to see it used again, but literally. I can’t tell if it’s now something different, perhaps literal jade, or if it has gone from simile to metaphor. Did he feed on his memories? How can you *feel* jade? Or feel memories? Why would that be liable to make his grin falter? Because seeing the emissary’s memories should make him more remorseful?
      (Also…how…can Charn…leave…?)
      I think the line is pretty and poetic, but I really can’t tell what’s happening there.

      Then, does the last line mean that other gods always come to the house for him to feed on so he doesn’t need to eat mortals? It took me a bit to realize that. And even then, I still don’t know if I’m interpreting it right…Maybe that’s on me though.

      I do like the line “You are is his creature and if you will not feed him you will feed me” though. Very sinister and villainous.

      Great job!!

      P.S. Question for if this one gets read: what sort of voice do you imagine Charn having? My mind comes up with a specific voice when I read his lines, but it’s kind of supernatural and not one I can do XD
      Would you prefer me to do a normal voice, or a demon voice? Or something else?

      Reply
  10. GJFuller Avatar
    GJFuller

    Tales From the Infinite Hallway: The End of the Infinite
    By Giovanna J. Fuller

    “We’ve been walking for three hours,” Angela groaned. She slumped against the wall between two doors, one made of a green gelatin with purple spheres suspended within and one that was painted white with pink flowers on it.

    “And we’ve gone further than anyone’s ever gone!”

    “It’s the INFINITE hallway! There is no end!”

    Marsh scoffed. “Nothing is infinite. Everything has a beginning and an end. The beginning starts at your door and ends…”

    The red haired witch flopped on the ground. “I can’t go on. Marsh,” here her voice became a sort of over dramatic weariness and she reached out to him, “tell my story. Don’t let my memory die here. Bleh.” She stuck out her tongue and went limp as though dead.

    Marshall rolled his eyes and grabbed her ankle. He only had to drag her a few feet before she wriggled out of his grasp and scurried to her feet. She brushed some dust off her pants and glared at him. “If I had known this was what you wanted to do with your adventure ticket, then I would have stolen it before you cashed it in.”

    “Three Angie adventures for one Marshall adventure. That’s the deal.”

    “It’s a stupid deal. All your adventures involve us ‘learning’ something.” She said ‘learning’ as though it were a dirty word.

    “And all your adventures involve us nearly dying.” He turned his back on her and continued down the passageway. “I know there’s an end soon. It has-.”

    “Marshall…”

    He stopped. “What?”

    “Hmm?”

    “You said my name. What is it?”

    “Wasn’t me.”

    “Maaarrrrshallll…”

    “There it is!” He gave Angela a look. “Stop it.”

    “I’m not doing it!” She was adamant.

    “MARSHAL!”

    Both parties screamed, turned on their heels, and ran back in the direction of their door.

    A crackled voice, like that of an old radio filled the emptiness of the abandoned space. “Seek out not the answers of eternity…for if you chase into the abyss, the abyss chases also after you…”

    The strange voice chuckled before slinking back into the unknown, uncharted hallway.

    Reply
    1. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      Oh, I have missed the adventures of Angela and Marshal. This was such a great prompt for them to come back.
      These two have such a great chemistry together, even if it is one of contrast. The two obviously have been friends for a good long while, and it shows. I love how Marshal is just unphased by Angela’s histrionics and antics.
      Such a fun read, GJ.

      Reply
    2. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      Yisssss! I won’t lie, while I very much had my own story in mind when I submitted this prompt, I was also hoping to see an Infinite Hallway story too, considering how much this prompt throws the gauntlet down for it. ^w^

      I truly adore Angela and her over-dramatic body language. It’s very cute and often hilarious, and it contrasts extremely well with Marshall’s seriousness and rationality of action. I especially like how they have a whole ticket system for adventures, just to balance each other’s very different appetites for adventuring and discovery. :3

      (Slight improvement I noticed btw: “here her voice became a sort of over dramatic weariness” is a little overly wordy, and I thought something like “her voice turned over-dramatically weary” could get the same point across in a snappier fasion?)

      And I was highly intrigued by what I can only describe as the Spirit of the Hallway. Is it a spirit that has existed for aeons within the hallway, some sort of guardian entity, or the true voice of the Hallway itself? Impossible to say, but I do like how it has a mischievous nature to it, a little like Angela herself – except this being seems much older and wiser than her. There may have been no end to this infinite hallway, but there was something to find in that long, long distance, and that is good enough I think. 😀

      Great work GJ! Lovely to see a story of yours again! ^w^

      Reply
    3. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      Tagback!

      Well, that ended frightfully. I hope they’re OK….

      This scene reminds me a lot of Monsters, Inc. The doors are particularly evocative and gives the hallway a sense of mundanity and familiarity, almost inviting. Great job!

      Reply
  11. Connor/Dragoneye Avatar
    Connor/Dragoneye

    The Solid Way
    By Connor/Dragoneye

    “Augmentation is the enemy of growth. Inner workings are the ally of growth. Growth leads to power, and power leads to a pure soul.”

    Ksutan sat alone in his room in a lotus position, his hands cradled in his lap. He focused on every intake of air collecting through his respiratory tubing and entering into his bloodstream pump. He hadn’t meditated for a long time ever since he returned from his pilgrimage through the Ferros Desert. The blistering heat and blasts of iron dust from the winds made it hard to focus on anything but the pain.

    A servant then poked her head into his room. “Ksutan. The Headmaster wishes to see you.”

    He immediately rose to his feet, straightened out his robe, and pressed his hands together with a bow. The servant then led Ksutan to the end of the temple hall.

    As he passed into the room, the Headmaster’s face was barely illuminated by the candlelight, her plain mask made of a humble steel and her filament hair pulled back into a tight ponytail. “Ksutan.”

    “Master, you called for me?”

    Her eyes scanned him up and down. “Do you know of Palaph’s whereabouts?”

    “I do not.”

    She stroked her chin. “I fear he’s strayed to the Allagia Dromo.”

    Ksutan could feel his coolant vents flair at the sound of those dreaded words. “You believe he follows the Kallierge?”

    “He was from the House of Blackmorne. Rife with Allagian traditions.”

    “Would you have me return to the Ferros Desert in search of him?” Ksutan asked.

    The Headmaster shook her head. “I need you to keep your eyes out for other acolytes like him. Those who would betray their oaths.”

    Ksutan tilted his head. “And if I find any?”

    She tapped her fingers together in contemplation. “Bring them to me. I will straighten them out.”

    Ksutan felt an uncertain dread situated in his bloodstream. The word choice was far from easy to parse. “You have my word.”

    Reply
    1. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      What even is this world, Connor? Not to ask in a bad way, it just seems so interesting. The spiritual quote at the beginning eschewing augmentation, and yet it seems apparent that both Ksutan and the Headmaster are both cyborgs. Or at least have some mechanical replacements to their bodies.
      I have so many questions about what’s going on, but this is quite intriguing. It seems like such a great opening to a larger story. Good job.

      Reply
    2. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      Like the feel of this story, has a tingle of old martial arts movie but the mechanical parts give me the idea of future or other worldly setting. I also get the feeling of something more then what is present here but that could be my mind. I see the hallway here and it is neat, bit standard but that is fine. Location is needed and just imagining a temple in this world is intersting.

      Reply
  12. Marx Avatar
    Marx

    You Should Have Gone For The Head (Overly Familiar AU) (CW: Suicide attempts)
    By Marx

    Matt snapped his fingers. And he snapped them again.

    And again.

    And again.

    “Please, Beloved.” Death pleaded, her usually steady voice quaking in terror. “Please stop this…”

    “It’s just an experiment.” Matt replied with an eerie calm.

    Snap.

    Snap.

    Snap.

    “Matt… I know you’re hurting, but this isn’t-”

    “Hurting?” Matt snapped again. “Why would I be hurting? Because my familiar is dead?”

    Snap.

    “Because my best friend is dead?”

    Snap.

    “That sweet goddess who just… who just wanted to exist and have a life…? Dead. And I’m supposed to be… what? Happy that I can’t die with them? Because Death won’t let me die?”

    Snap.

    “Heaven smited them, not me.” Death’s eyes continued to focus fearfully on Matt’s snapping fingers.

    “You’re right. You’re just the bullet. You don’t control who points you where.”

    Snap.

    Snap.

    “Matt! Stop!”

    “I’m just curious, is all…” Matt looked at his fingers. “I mean… we’re the same race, right? And death as a concept only exists because you do. So logically… shouldn’t I have my own death? A death that you can’t bring me back from?”

    Snap.

    “What do you want from me?” Death finally caved in. “Do you want me to bring them back? To break the rules of my existence for you?”

    “You know… when I figure this out, you’ll know how it feels to have everything you care about taken from you.” Matt looked into Death’s eyes as he snapped again. “You won’t have your fated horseman anymore. You’ll just be… alone.”

    At Matt’s next snap, a tunnel appeared before them. Matt smiled widely, slowly cocking his head to the side as the tunnel formed into a hallway with a singular door. When Matt snapped again, the door got closer. “I wonder…”

    “STOP! OKAY! O… okay… You win…” Death clung dejectedly to Matt’s arm. “I’ll do whatever you want…”

    Matt pat Death’s head as one would a pet. “I want to kill Fate.”

    “Fate just is, Beloved. It isn’t a being who can be killed. It’s an unseen force that guides all things.”

    “I. Want. To kill. Fate.”

    “…yes, Beloved…”

    Reply
    1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Oooh this is great!!

      This piece has such a cool, tense and eerie atmosphere that I like a lot.

      Okay, so, first of all, what is different about this AU from the normal story? While I’ve been reading your stories every week recently, and understand your universe a lot more nowadays, I haven’t read anything from your Overly Familiar AU, so it’s a little tough to tell what’s a product of the AU and what’s the same for me.

      I think you wrote more stories about Death and her fated before I started reading your stories weekly…I thought the person she was meant to be with was named Will? Am I crazy? Or is that actually the AU–that she’s with Matt instead of Will?

      …Anywho.

      The constant snapping is well done. It’s always risky to use your words on something repeated, and I think it really pays off here. Each snap truly feels like not just the words, but the action itself–him snapping here in the room with me–and even before the door appears the repetition has this feeling of something getting closer.

      So, is he concentrating all his powers, thinking he can just snap his fingers and make himself drop dead? Or is he truly trying to conjure that door? Or does he not know what’ll happen?
      And is entering that door supposed to kill him, or something else? Or kill him in an unconventional way?
      What would death even mean to a being already able to traverse heaven and hell? Or can he not go to them yet?
      But really, in this universe…would either be better than earth? (I mean, aside from his best friend being there, of course) Would he really be free in death?

      “Hurting?” Matt snapped again. “Why would I be hurting? Because my familiar is dead?”
      –I like the double meaning of “Matt snapped again” I’m assuming you’re referring to him snapping his fingers, but I also imagine that he’s snapping the words. It’s a cool way to introduce the context too.

      “That sweet goddess who just… who just wanted to exist and have a life…? Dead. And I’m supposed to be… what? Happy that I can’t die with them? Because Death won’t let me die?”
      –Hmm a goddess, that’s curious. The only person who I could guess would be his friend in the normal story right now is Laila, but as far as I know Laila isn’t a goddess.
      I wonder if this person is his best friend in only the AU, or in the normal story too. And if they’re dead in the normal story.
      Then “Death won’t let me die” gets us to the meat of what’s going on very cleverly. The line definitely makes you go “Oh…*Oh*”

      “Heaven smited them, not me.” Death’s eyes continued to focus fearfully on Matt’s snapping fingers.”
      –Curious on many levels. He’ll say in a sec that death as a concept only exists because of her, so I’d think there isn’t *any* death that occurs without her, even if she doesn’t do the killing. I wonder how that works. It’s also fascinating that Death can exhibit fear.

      “You’re right. You’re just the bullet. You don’t control who points you where.”
      –Great image.

      “I’m just curious, is all…” Matt looked at his fingers. “I mean… we’re the same race, right? And death as a concept only exists because you do. So logically… shouldn’t I have my own death? A death that you can’t bring me back from?”
      –I really like this line/idea. This is the next layer in the meat of the issue. It is very intriguing and makes me think.

      “Do you want me to bring them back? To break the rules of my existence for you?”
      –Hmm so Death wasn’t a part of them dying but she *can* bring them back? And she can bring people back in general? Curiouser and curiouser.

      “when I figure this out, you’ll know how it feels to have everything you care about taken from you.”
      –So Matt is her beloved, but he doesn’t love her back, correct? He’s fated to be with her, but doesn’t actually love her.

      “Matt smiled widely, slowly cocking his head to the side as the tunnel formed into a hallway with a singular door. When Matt snapped again, the door got closer. “I wonder…”
      –The way I end up imagining this image is rather terrifying. Not the hallway, the hallways is cool. But Matt’s face. A too-wide, too-calm smile at something that might lead to his death. Him bringing this unknown, sinister thing closer. I’m not sure if this is intended but Matt has never seemed more villainous to me than here.
      I wonder what would have been behind that door. It seems Death knows, because its scary enough to make her cave in to bending existence for him.

      And an intriguing ending too. It took me a bit to realize…he wants to kill Fate because he wants to sever his ties with Death, right? I mean, I’m sure he wants to sever his ties with his destiny with regards to the apocalypse in general. But this story was more about his fate with regards to Death. I’m curious if, (at least in this AU) if they’ll find that Fate is a being or not. And regardless…if they’ll be able to kill it.

      And lastly, of course I like the more real, and deep, and sad theme of suicide in there. It’s interesting, because the theme is both rather hidden, and very out in the open at the same time. I like the way it too cuts through the scene with every snap of his fingers. The truth that something deeper and sadder is going on here.

      Great job!!

      Reply
      1. Marx Avatar
        Marx

        Thank you! I was really happy with the way this one came out even if I really would have liked some more words to fill in some of the gaps.

        That said, this is the first prompt in this AU lol. And there are a few minor differences that lead into bigger ones, but the main thing is Matt himself and his relationship to his destiny(Lol Will is a half demon who’s connected to Daisy in her part of the story, btw. Matt is Death’s mate in both.)

        In the regular story he actively fights it and gets beaten down but he keeps fighting. Protagonist 101. But in this version, he (ba dum bum) snapped. I’m actually really happy about that line you said where Matt had never come across as villainous because that’s entirely the point. Matt doesn’t usually come across as a villain but in this universe, he’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal, ya know?

        As for the goddess? That’s Teriana. Poor thing. She’s usually around but she just rarely fits into these prompts lol.

        And I see a smiting as basically a magical nuke that destroys EVERYTHING, so there’s no real afterlife for them to bring them back from. There’s ways Death could get around that, but she’d have to break a lot of rules.

        And as for the snapping, it is basically him focusing his power to basically off himself. But it’s like… trying to come up with “colors” that make the concept of colors redundant. Like the color red is now redundant because you created the concept of this thing that’s adjacent to a color without actually being red. It’s hard to wrap your mind around it, much less actually doing it, which is why it takes Matt so many attempts to figure it out lol.

        Funny fact, though not funny ha ha, the original version of this story had Matt repeatedly slicing his own throat instead of snapping, but… I thought that was a bit much… and the snapping comes across stronger in a way because it’s such a normal thing.

        Reply
        1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
          i-prefer-the-term-antihero

          You’re welcome!! 😀

          Oh, really?! Interesting!!
          Ahh I see!!
          (XD Omg I wonder how I thought he was her mate, then. Thank you for clarifying!)

          Ahh that makes sense!!
          I’m glad that was what you were intending!! I thought you probably were, but I was apprehensive because if you *weren’t* that’d be a bad thing to hear in a review XD
          Well in that case I think you did a very good job of conveying that. It definitely is the villainousness of a man who’s snapped.

          I don’t think I’ve read any stories with her? But that is good to know! I’m curious to meet her at some point.

          Ohh I see. So heaven didn’t just kill her, they nuked her from existence entirely. Got it. The fact that Death *can* bring her back then is even more impressive now!

          Gotcha.
          Whoa…that’s trippy.
          How *did* he figure it out, then?

          Ooooh. Do you still have that version? I’d be curious to read it.
          I do agree that the snapping is very normal, and that creates a very interesting and effective tone to the piece–knowing what he’s *intending* to do with this normal action.
          Though I think the throat slicing would have been really interesting too, because of how violently in your face it would have been on *exactly* what he was trying to do.
          Definitely understand the decision to tone it down though XD

          Reply
          1. Marx Avatar
            Marx

            Lol to be fair I have a lot of characters interacting with each other and Matt and Will are kinda similar in that they’re “nice” guys, though Will is more on the pessimistic side of it. I think the closest I’ve had Will interacting with Death was a prompt where Will asked Matt if Death was hot while Death was invisible in the room.

            Lol I will see if I can get Teriana in some more. I’ve actually had a prompt with Teri and Shayna(who also tends to get left out) talking about how they tend to be out of the action most of the time.

            As for how she could undo erased souls… Death kinda controls time? To a certain extent. Because time tends to be measured by the death of things. Without Death there is no time if you think about it.

            As for how Matt figured out his “death”? Basically, adding having nothing to lose and a desperate desire to die with Death’s freakouts giving you clues that you’re on the right path, equate to figuring it out through sheer stubbornness and force of will.

            As for the slashy slashy version? Sure, lol I can link you on Discord.

            Reply
    2. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      So from the moment I saw ‘Overly Familiar AU’, I was like “Oooh, what’s this going to be about if it requires actual divergence from canon?”

      And as it turns out, the main difference so far seems to quite ironically be a notable lack of familiars. Because they are all dead! XD Ho boy, is Matt a scarier person when he doesn’t have his companions and loved ones to remind him how to be a human person.
      Even more so if you know Death from any of your previous stories, because seeing her terrified and basically submitting entirely to whatever Matt wants is *massively* different from her normal demenour and mindset. And you can learn a looot about a situation’s severity, from how out-of-character people behave during it.

      Just as Kaylie said, that moment where Matt sees the door and just smiles is truly a chilling moment. And it makes the simple hallway and door more ominious and scary just by association too, especially with how Death reacts to it too. I wonder what Bob would be thinking, in this particular moment? 😮

      And that ending, of Matt committing to an apparently entirely impossible mission just through a combination of endless spite, and through being the closest thing to a entity that can just say ‘fuck the rules, I have unlimited cosmic power’, which in turn makes it feel less impossible for Fate to truly be found and killed…yeah, that was a good way to highlight the desperate nature of this doomed timeline I think.

      Great work Marx! Awesome story! 😀 ^w^

      Reply
    3. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      So, wait. Layla died?? If that’s the case, then I can see the logic behind Matt’s decision even If I don’t personally agree with it. I love the switch up in their personalities here. Matt being more resolutely macabre in wanting to join his friend and Death losing her rather aloof, regal composure because the one person she’s ever meant to be with is trying to end his own life. That’s incredibly heavy and complex theming, Marx. Signature brilliance.

      I find it fascinating that Matt wants to kill Fate, and I’m as equally as curious to see how he’ll go about it. Him wanting to kill Fate has similar vibes as wanting to punch to God. It’s interesting.

      I highly empathize with Death here. Having her most beloved be self destructive and her not being able to do anything that won’t have potentially devastating, irreparable consequences is absolutely heartbreaking. She’s completely helpless. Poor dear.

      Critique:

      Matt pat(ted)Death’s head as one would a pet. “I want to kill Fate.”

      Another spectacular piece. You always, always manage to put so much heart, emotion, and nuanced aspects in such short parameters. It’s astounding and wonderful. I’m extremely excited to see what you post next time. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this.

      Reply
      1. Marx Avatar
        Marx

        For real? Like… for real, for real? I went back and forth like… five or six times with whether it should be pat or patted. I’m still not entirely sure, it just sounds right in my head. But it’s one of those things that was just kinda… screw it. That’s the one I’m going with. Even if I can’t read that line without thinking Film/Game/Food Theory.

        And yes! Not only did Laila die but Matt watched it happen. They were all together, Heaven nuke touches down and Matt is left alone as the sole survivor. Its definitely understandable that he snaps.

        Just as it’s understandable that Death is forced to go along with it. She’s literally been waiting for Matt for the entirety of existence just for him to force her to choose between him and wrecking the universe. It just puts her in this unenviable position where her usual confidence is simply shot.

        That said, yeah, Matt is down a very dark path to get what he wants. Lol I’ll definitely try to do more in this universe.

        Reply

Leave a Reply to Lunabear Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *