Writing Group: A Walk in the Dark (PRIVATE)

Hello, Wayfarers and Necromancers!

Walking. The simplest of motions. The dark. The simplest of fears. Walking through the dark is perhaps one of the most primal things to be afraid of. Well, I think it’s time we face our fears because…

This week’s Writing Group prompt is:

A Walk in the Dark

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

Often people will say “this will be a walk in the park,” meaning, even if it looks difficult, or frightening, it will be as easy as a peaceful stroll through nature. But what does it mean to walk in the dark? It seems to mean the opposite—that things are guaranteed to be difficult and frightening going forward. But the dark isn’t inherently negative. The reason we fear it is because it is unknown. Anything could be lurking there. But it’s the walking through it that matters. 

Maybe you could write about someone getting lost, running through a shadowed forest, the trees looking more and more like they have faces with each passing minute. Maybe a scientist needs to venture into a cave to gather samples, but they’re still scared to descend into the depths. Maybe a child musters up the courage to face the dark basement, and the furnace-monster growling in the shadows.

What awaits in the darkness? Hungry monsters? Or old friends? Fairies? Dragons? Bunnies? Or what if there’s nothing there at all, and the fear is just that?

Maybe the darkness itself has power. Like the woods through the looking glass, where Alice forgets her own name. Or like in Mirkwood, where, if you don’t stay on the path, you might never make it out. The darkness itself could have some greater effect than simply shadows and the unknown. 

Maybe it’s not a literal walk through a dark place. Perhaps it’s a dark path. A character descending into villainy, or madness. A character making the decision to walk the dark path, despite the risks, the potential consequences, and everything telling them they shouldn’t. Deciding to join the dark side, because at least on the dark side they’re allowed to feel. Or maybe it’s power. Maybe it’s love. Maybe the light has too many rules. Maybe the dark is the only way to get to a better place. Or maybe the dark isn’t as evil as everyone believes. 

What if the dark path isn’t one of villainy at all? A ghost might need to walk the path between life and death before getting to the afterlife. A spy must face danger every day, even if they’re on the right side of the war. Or perhaps the darkness is more insidious than that: rather the darkness in our own heads that we must face each day. Dark paths aren’t always chosen, sometimes they’re simply endured. 

Will it be a peaceful park stroll after all, or will you be lucky to make it out with all your limbs intact?

Go on in there. What? Are you chicken?

—Kaylie

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

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Comments

108 responses to “Writing Group: A Walk in the Dark (PRIVATE)”

  1. PixieWings Avatar
    PixieWings

    Elegy
    By PixieWings

    “It’s terribly dark out tonight.”

    Ophelia’s voice is hushed, but in the quiet shadow of the graveyard it’s a shock. The plot they’d prepared this afternoon is empty, as it will be until midmorning when the boy’s family arrives to lower their youngest into it.

    Hector’s been staring into the hole too long. The light she gives off stings. He can’t look at her.

    “Ah. Yes. I brought a lantern.”

    It sits, long cold atop the flat grave marker. It was lit when he ventured out of bed.

    “I thought I’d look over everything.”

    Ophelia nods, cradles the dark lamp in her hands as if something precious.

    “And a splendid job you’ve done. It all looks in order. Shall we go inside?”

    The words are flippant but Hector knows the hum in her voice. Candid. Attentive. Her fingers curl into his, spilling their soft, diffused gold into his palm. When he moves to follow she’s turned away, already walking.

    Together they drift through the fallen leaves, through headstones and grave markers. He watches her glow catch on the names of the dead.

    It’s a wonder he’s not one of them.

    The youngest of his brothers. The last one left. His parents’ final gamble in their family’s cyclical attempt to cheat death.

    But they are gone.

    And he’s still here.

    He’s still here, still following Ophelia, his ex-betrothed, the love of his life, to the door of their cottage.

    When the door opens, it’s warm and bright. There’s a fire lit in the hearth. He has to squint as they step through.

    His foot catches the doorframe.

    Ophelia turns, finally, to catch him as he stumbles. The gold of her eyes burns, but less than before. The concern in them frees something in his chest. It swells, then bursts.

    “I never thought I would be here,” he breathes. “And now that I am…”

    Her hand cups his cheek.

    “Now that I am, I’m not sure I know what to do with myself.”

    Ophelia draws a breath.

    She understands.

    “Such is the burden of the living, my love.”

    1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      I always love me a good graveyard story. There’s something so weirdly calming about graveyards to me, and it works well as a calming walk through the dark for the prompt.

      I am curious about Ophelia. Why does she give off light? Why doesn’t he? If she gives off light, why do they need a lantern?

      “Ophelia’s voice is hushed, but in the quiet shadow of the graveyard it’s a shock. ”
      –An interesting idea that the quiet of a graveyard is so intense even a whisper is shocking

      “The plot they’d prepared this afternoon is empty, as it will be until midmorning when the boy’s family arrives to lower their youngest into it”
      –Don’t know why, I just like this phrasing/setting detail

      “The words are flippant but Hector knows the hum in her voice. Candid. Attentive.”
      –This is a really interesting picture of how well you can know someone. (Though I honestly didn’t read her words as flippant?)

      “Her fingers curl into his, spilling their soft, diffused gold into his palm.”
      “He watches her glow catch on the names of the dead.”
      –Two absolutely stunning images, I love it

      “It’s a wonder he’s not one of them.”
      –What a powerful line

      “The youngest of his brothers. The last one left. His parents’ final gamble in their family’s cyclical attempt to cheat death.”
      –This is really interesting, and some great background. Is their “gamble in their family’s cyclical attempt to cheat death.” simply trying to create a legacy, or something more?

      I wonder, does ex-betrothed mean they’re not married, or that they are married ie not betrothed anymore?

      “The concern in them frees something in his chest. It swells, then bursts.”
      –Beautiful image, and such a great way to make a soul-bearing line of dialogue make sense and not feel rushed

      Beautiful story, Pixie!!! So happy to see you post again!!!

  2. Revisis Avatar
    Revisis

    “At Home in the Dark”
    written by Exce, edited by Luna

    Her bare feet slid through beach sand lining the shore of a dead sea. The sky was an almost solid black, and the air was void of even the slightest breeze.

    The Queen of Night enjoyed this state of affairs, extending her long sleek arms as she spun in place. Her long blue-black dress swirling around her legs even as her hair brushed across her face.

    But even in this quiet, dark sliver of a world she could sense some life. Deep within the shallow remnant of the sea, far into the great forests covering this splinter that once was a continent.

    Even now, as they were set adrift after Armageddon, her siblings sat together, planning and plotting how to create a whole new planet. It was their divine prerogative and duty to do so, bringing forth one final act of creation that would all but burn out their divinity.

    Why could they not just realize that this was better? The quiet of existence fading, the eternal night at the end of a lifelong day.
    But then again, they had always turned themselves towards it, representing the bright and bleaching night of those hours. They had left the rule over the night all to her lonesome, and she couldn’t have been more glad about it.

    She felt it before she could see it: a tension traveling up her body from the bottom of her heels to the top of her head. It felt like someone was pulling on her hair to almost the point of tearing them out.

    The queen turned slowly, eyes closed just so this moment of darkness would be a bit longer. When she finally opened them, it hung in the sky like a bloated corpse.

    Its surface was wriggling as if covered by maggots; its very presence brought the bile to the back of her mouth. She raised her hand, fingers slowly curling as she squinted against the disgusting sight.
    If only she could destroy it. If only she were permitted to drown this Sun in the endless night.

    But she would find a way. Eventually.

    1. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John

      Nice Job! Big fan of any dark queen incarnation. Exposition, dialog as internals and world building in a technical sense. The piquant feelings of separation and being alone against the light, misunderstood, and needed, come through nicely. And the final turn into the darkness with plotting destruction of the avatar of the light is exquisite. Loved it.

    2. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      Such interesting world building!

      I love the idea of a bunch of godly siblings fighting the end of the world by trying to restart a new one. And the potential squabbles such plans would entail. And then there is that one sibling, who is just like, nah, let it end.

      The way the Queen of Night enjoys herself even amidst the destruction is so interesting. And how she seems to enjoy her solitude, even though it seems she perhaps wishes her siblings would come around and join her.

      The description of what the sun rising feels like to her was very well done. The pain and displeasure she felt were palpable.

      Very interesting all around!

  3. jesse fisher Avatar
    jesse fisher

    Dark Walks
    by Jesse Fisher

    Some wonder why I walk when the moon has left us and the curfew shuts off the lights. My reason is simple, the night is more bearable than day. Sunglasses covered my face since I could remember seeing anything without them. It was odd given my family have been day people since anyone could remember.

    It kinda made me the black sheep of the family, granted the whole fact I’m almost never seen. I mean how else could we still meet quota for the family business. When the dark is your cradle you tend to just go with it.

    Then again I do wonder why I do this to myself. Make this recording and just file it away while I turn in for the night.

    Maybe I’m just lonely, or maybe I’m just going crazy.

    —-

    “This was a recording sent to the news station.” The anchor stated as the video played again without the sound. “Due to the lighting we have yet to identify the person in the video, however the police have been going over everything as fine of a tooth comb as they can.”

    “We are asking anyone in the area to stay home and not go outside due to this person. As they could be anywhere in the dark, anyone with sunglasses on should be avoided.” The co-anchor added.

    On the otherside of the screen a cackling laugh is heard as the viewer just ate the terror that this no doubt generated.

    “Well here is where the fun starts.”

    1. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John

      Dark, foreboding, lots of intrigue, mystery and suspense. Makes want to know more. The counter point of the first-person opener against the ‘news report’ makes an interesting bridge to your twist of the fun starting. Paced well, kept me reading. Dialog heavy but works to give an intentional view and viewpoint. One technical issue in the first paragraph of the second section, “going over everything,” I think you mean to say “with as fine a tooth…” Nice Job.

  4. Aracnarquista Avatar
    Aracnarquista

    Blind Justice
    by Aracnarquista

    It is said that Ameir, the Spirit of Justice, has made a vow of blindness, so as not to be allured by beauty and false images, and not to deviate from the right path. Some say the magistrates that follow its example are not so extreme as to blind themselves, but nonetheless they must strive to pursue a kind of sightless-ness in matters that do not concern justice and fairness, and must hunt truth and reparations with a passion no diverging vision can interpose.

    I should know that. I was convicted by one such magistrate, proven guilty in front of his closed eyes, hanged in Ameir’s name and with its blessing (as punishment is one of its holy sacraments, and none as holy as capital punishment), and laid to rest in the tombs of the condemned. I should have known that by then.

    Still, here I am, a condemned man doing what is said to be Ameir’s work. A dead man doing Ameir’s dirty work. I should have been resting, perhaps denied the comfort of the Lanternwoman’s haven, but eternally resting still…

    Coming back can’t be right. It can’t be just.

    I walk the streets of the city that was once my home, the city that condemned me. In the dark of the night, none that matter will see me passing. Good citizens are fast asleep in the comfort of their home. Those that can see me are the ones that will only see me once. Those are of no consequence.

    I hunt for those Ameir’s justice can’t find or reach in the light of the day. Or at least, that’s what the rite, that damned rite that denied me rest, says. But what I really hunt for is those magistrate Yorick couldn’t condemn. Those that escaped his justice.

    I don’t know if those two justices are the same.

    And now, as blind as just Ameir is, maybe that’s not for me to consider. Maybe Ameir is not just blind, but dead as well.

    Dead, we can’t rest. We can’t resist the call the “just” impose on us.

    1. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John

      Fascinating take on the prompt. An interesting world where the damned serve on as agents of both death and justice, a justiciar on a pale horse as it were. Moving exposition kept me engaged and learning about the world. The lack of formal dialog was executed well, and I didn’t miss it, the main characters internals served in its place nicely. The moral implications of this world and the how the Spirit of Justice achieve their ends make me what to know and read more. Nice job.

      1. Aracnarquista Avatar
        Aracnarquista

        I’m very glad with you liking it and with your feedback.

        Usually, I refrain from commenting interpretation on the things I write since most of the time I’m pleasantly surprised with what the readers come up with – and I’m a believer that the text is the ultimate authority on the story, rather than the author. So I won’t point anything about how to interpret it. But this story is part of a larger world, and it is the second telling I made of this particular situation… the first one wasn’t from the perspective of the “dead justice-dealer”, but from a person recounting the events where this “system” was implemented, and it had a very different tone. This one seemed at once more morally-concerned and personal.

        Anyway, I might come again to this story, since it takes place in the same world where I already have two other series “planned” (for a certain measure of planned, that is).

    2. Cromillea Avatar
      Cromillea

      This story has such an interesting premise. A dead man is unable to pass on because he is bound to serve the justice system of their world. He’s stuck doing the bidding of Yorick. I think that means that his spirit may be sent to kill the people that escaped the death penalty.

      I imagine them as a Batman style character that serves the law in the dark using brutal methods. An interesting conflict may arise with them because they are not perusing justice, but they are trying to move on from the cares of the world and find peace. I suppose that when faced with eternity, the dead may not care so much about the ways of the living. Especially for a man that was killed by his town.

      In any case, this was a pretty unique tale that made me think. Your stories always get me thinking!

      1. Aracnarquista Avatar
        Aracnarquista

        And I’m always glad in reading your thoughts on these stories! As I said before, one of the things that I like the most about writing is seeing how a story can grow when a reader put their own thoughts onto it. I’m always surprised on how a story I wrote becomes a different thing when others read them, and how that same story can become fresh just by being read by different people.

        Thanks a lot for the reading and the feedback!

    3. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      This is so cool!

      I adore how this piece builds. Every paragraph took me somewhere new and different and usually somewhere I wasn’t expecting to go. From starting with the spirit of justice and striving for that ideal to magistrates using supernatural forces to seek the “justice” they feel they were denied. Your word choice throughout is exquisite. And your title hits just right.

      There is so much to think about here, and it stands so well on its own while also making me want to dive so much deeper into this world. Truth and justice are words that are so often linked together, but yet seem often to be in conflict with each other and that is mirrored by your narrator’s conflict over being forced to unnaturally return to carry out other’s justice, and how the “justice” he is performing may not be the god’s at all.

      This is for sure one of my favorite things I’ve read from you. Loved it!

      1. Aracnarquista Avatar
        Aracnarquista

        Thanks a lot for the comment and the feedback. Reading it was a joy and a pleasure. I love when stories can elicit thought and surprise, and retelling this one was a difficult choice to make (more because I’m transposing the general idea about it from one universe to another, and so I had to decide a bit on the fly how some elements would be translated in this “new” world). But I think it was a good choice nonetheless.

        The whole debate on these terms and concepts (truth, justice, gods) and if there is any substance behind those words is something I’d like to delve more, and surprisingly the voice of a dead man seemed like the one better fitted to do so.

        Now that I think about it, this might be a trend in some of my stories…

  5. Stellar Avatar
    Stellar

    The Dark Depths of Romance
    by Stellar

    Since landing on this world, he’d encountered a woman that he couldn’t quite seem to get his mind off of. She was strong, independent, and infinitely patient despite his seemingly endless stream of questions he had about this place.

    Maybe that was why he was head over heels for her. She’d done nothing aside from being herself, and yet maybe that was why he liked her?

    He couldn’t quite make heads or tails of it. On one hand, he’d met her barely a month ago. He didn’t know Tara all that well, nor did he really know the customs of this place. On the other… everything about her was incredible. There wasn’t a moment when she was around that he could find himself upset.

    At some point, he’d convinced himself to make this jump, despite all of his anxiety. She was a knight, and so he made the logical conclusion that the person to ask was the queen of this place. He could hear his own footsteps echoing in the hallway as he was escorted to the throne room. Was that normal? He wasn’t quite sure. Everything about this felt terrifying… but he refused to back away.

    The doors opened and he stepped in, locking eyes with her royal majesty. He didn’t bow, nor did he show any direct signs of respect. His mind was racing too fast to so much as think about that.

    “I’ve fallen for one of your knights. Her name is Tara.”

    And so the conversation went. He explained himself as thoroughly as he could manage and she sat on her throne, listening quietly and attentively. Then, she stopped him.

    “I hear your words and give you my blessing, but Tara must still accept you herself. I will not influence her thoughts and choices.”

    After a few more words were shared, he left. All that was left was to find Tara and talk to her about all this… but he was scared.

    He didn’t want to wander in the dark.

    1. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      Very nice on this one, romance was not on my mind when we got this prompt. I like the point of view of the main character, very nice used of information only they know. Also like the use of the king here, going off stuff, since knights are sworn to their king.

      This was very enjoyable and I like the world from this story.

    2. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John

      Interesting. Paced well. Exposition, dialog and psychologic intrigue. Your landing the main character into this world is time-travel/world-hopping in the vein of Twain’s ‘A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court’ sets up all sorts of fun and unique tensions that could go all sorts of directions. A love story or dark romance is a great take. That said, I can’t help but note, as the reader, I’m a bit confused where this is going and what the takeaway is other than the Unnamed MC falling in love with Dame Tara. So, I’m not sure I really got your full import and intent of the last line.

  6. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John Avatar
    John Perceval Cain (oneeye John

    Walking in Darkness (World: Brieth)
    John Perceval Cain

    The Assassin Grand Master, dressed in well-oiled blackened leathers, tilted his chair backwards, balanced on two legs. “So, Seon, you’re saying this will allow me to disappear?”

    The Apostate Shaman Adept stood, laughed deeply and as he picked up his staff in his right hand, wiggled the fingers of his left hand and seemed to just disappear.

    Aley launched out of his chair into a fighting stance, with his long sword and dagger drawn before the chair hit the floor.

    Seon laughed a rich belly laugh.

    The shadows seemed to dim slightly, and Aley could sense where the Shaman stood.
    Seon uttered a word, and the cloud of nothing dispelled.

    Aley sheathed his weapons, picked up his chair and sat back down. “Teach me how!”

    “The priests in the Temple of Wot would tell you to recite canticle 4 of the 23rd skald.” Seon sat down.

    Aley cocked his head to the side. “That word you said was Old-Elvin for a lewd sex act, wasn’t it? How does that line up with a prayer to Wot, the human prime deity?”

    “My dear Master Diekatz, all magic, whether religious, infernal, elemental, or transcendent, require three things: power, will and ritual. The priests use Wot as their power. The recitation of 23-4 is the ritual and part of the framework for the will, as the verse is about being cloaked in the power of their god. Finally, their desire to disappear finishes their will.”

    Aley gestured at Seon. “Master Wo Danze, how do you do it?”

    “Shamans have learned that power is everywhere, so we draw it from matter and existence itself. We embody our will in ritual, where words mean exactly what we want them to, no more, no less. The key is our imagining the will.”

    Aley looked thoughtful. “So I can just make myself disappear by force of will.”

    “When you hide in shadows, you already do it. You just don’t realize it, nor maximize it formally. We can create you a cantrip to make it better. Then you will really walk in darkness.”

    1. The Missing Link Avatar
      The Missing Link

      Well this is an interestingly literal take on the prompt. There’s definitely a nice air of mystique here that really sells the master and student angle. The few critiques I have are some minor grammatical errors and some confusion on having canticles, which are very specifically Christian hymns to God, written by skalds, Norse poets writing about heroes. It might be your world running on different logic, but it seemed odd to me.

    2. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      That was an interesting tale. The descriptions are very evocative, the elements of the world permeate the story in the right measure – it does not weight on these elements for the complete understanding and coloring of the story, and it does not serve as just window dressing, it informs the story and calls attention to what more there is in the world -, and the flow works really well. It also works perfectly as a self-contained short story.

      I particularly liked the explanation on the different uses of ritual and how magic works and is understood by the priests and the shamans. One hiding in the shadows is already disappearing by force of will is such a simple and yet powerful statement. Great story, with great wording there.

      I just wonder how magic knowledge is shared in this universe. The shaman seems a bit too willing to part with arcane knowledge, which is a bit surprising. Still, very interesting.

    3. I am a sucker for the ins and outs of various magic systems. And I really like how this one was described. Both in the religious way of doing the spell and the simplified version of the same spell. It’s pretty easy to understand but comes across as not easy to do and not something that you can do accidentally, otherwise Aley would have done it himself.

      I do like the idea that he’s on the path of doing it, but just needs to know the magic side. Add to that, that it fully makes sense for an assassin to be intrigued by the concept of turning invisible, and this all comes together as a pretty solid story.

      Well done!

    4. Revisis Avatar
      Revisis

      Ohh!

      I feel like this reads almost like an ominous Interlude/prologe, some hint at dangers to come in the main story. I like the hinted at worldbuilding, and how magic is utilize diffrently by diffrent ‘professions’.

      Im curious why a shaman would teach something to a Master Assassin….maybe for a favour? Someone to be taken out with the use of newly aquired invisibility?

      Great story John!

      1. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John Avatar
        John Perceval Cain (oneeye John

        I made this up from the existing world… but there the Master Assassin helps protect the magical prodigy who is the Shaman’s apprentice. So, there is in Brieth, good reason for them to work together.

    5. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      I always admire descriptions of magic that manage to be concise and still easily understood. You succeed in spades here, and the worldbuilding around the lesson is wonderful. You pack so many details into so few words, and I just felt immersed in this world.

      I adore how different groups can utilize magic in different ways, but they still follow the same rules. That makes it easy for readers to follow, but also opens up so much room for potential magical drama from unexpected places.

      Also the line about how the assassin is already using his will to vanish in the shadows, just not to maximum effect was solid gold. *chef’s kiss* Perfection.

      Such a cool little snippet, I loved it!

  7. VulpesRose Avatar
    VulpesRose

    Search and Rescue
    by VulpesRose

    The young man spied smoke rising above the trees on a moonless night. He whistled an old song as he walked through the woods, until he came upon the camp. Three men had their weapons drawn as he came out of the trees and into the light. They were wearing the King’s crest. A fourth man’s wrists were bound.

    The young man smiled and held up his hands. “Room around the fire for one more?”

    The men looked him over and, seeing he was unarmed, visibly relaxed. They put away their weapons, so the young man came closer and sat opposite them.

    The youngest of the guards leaned closer to the fire. “Don’t you know whistling in the Demon’s Wood is bad luck? You’ll lead the Dark One and his servant straight to you!”

    “The Dark One?”

    “Some say it’s a legend, but it waits in these woods. It’s a beast not of this world.”

    The young man cocked his head to one side. “So whistling is off limits, but campfires are okay? Has the beast only ears and no sense of sight or smell?”

    The men were silent. They gazed into the trees around them, the darkness thick beyond the campfire light.

    “Besides, I heard the Dark One only targets King’s Men who trespass into places where they don’t belong.” He whistled again, a short, rising note. “I have nothing to fear.”

    The soldiers had just enough time to notice the unfriendliness of the young man’s smile before there was a rush of wind into the small clearing, wind caused by the movement of something fierce and large, and the fire was extinguished.

    Along with the lives of the three King’s Men.

    “Are you alright, Gavin?” The young man was suddenly beside the prisoner, untying his restraints.

    “Yes, sir. Thank you.”

    The young man sighed dramatically as he led his friend back into the woods, going slowly so that the other might not stumble in the dark. “Of all the slander! I’m not the servant!”

    “Yes, Dark One, but when you leave no one alive, who can correct them?”

    1. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      I find it fascinating that your last story involving these characters fell a little flat due to the hype generated by the monster, but now that you’ve removed any hint of the monster entirely, this “dark lord” character becomes 1000 times more terrifying. He seems to take delight in killing the king’s men, and it begs the question of why. Did they do something to him? His friends? Or does he simply not like the king? It builds up intrigue into the character’s past and makes me want to know more. Additionally, you apply this “ignorance” of what’s actually happening to the character of Gavin, hinting to him slightly, then making him far more apparent when he is needed. The effect of this is superb; Of course the dark lord was there for a reason, but the story naturally shifts focus when it’s necessary to answer the questions that arise. The flow is amazing in this!

      I really have nothing to critique about this! You’ve improved the subject of the story greatly!

      Keep up the good work! I look forwards to reading more about this dark lord (and Gavin)!

    2. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John

      Loved your twist. Quite a cliff hanger and would love to see what comes next. I imagine the Dark One has a way to resolve the impertinent young man… but given the twist, I’d love to see what you do with it. Technically, nice mix of exposition, dialog and action. Moved along and paced well. Could almost miss the unfriendliness of his smile. But more signal would ruin your twist. I also find very delightful your concrete take on superstition vis a vis the real world. The “so whistling is off limits…” is just grand. Great job, I enjoyed this much.

    3. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      All I can say is that the follow up works really well. If the last story got me hooked, then this one helped in making sure the hook stays where it is. I can’t wait to see more of the “young” Dark One and… not sure what the monster in the forest is, but it seems wrong to call it a servant. Even if the Dark One does so!

      Great story, felt a lot like one of those campfire horror tales (told by the campfire, not just concerning a campfire!).

    4. Cromillea Avatar
      Cromillea

      I like the way you introduced the Dark One; it’s very fun. They way you show them just moving through the darkness alone, stumbling upon a camp, and then asserting themselves is great.

      The Kingsmen tell all these interesting rumors and it really builds up the mystery surrounding the Dark One. Now, I’m not positive that the Dark One is a completely evil character because they are helping one of their followers. I think that they may be protecting something that the king wants to take, going to the extremes of killing any trespassers.

      Nice story!

    5. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      Ooooh, what a fun piece, VulpusRose! I figured out early on that the stranger walking up to the campfire was the Dark One in question, but that realization does not ruin the immersion in the slightest. Also, the dialogue is absolutely wonderful, and I really like the double usage of “extinguished” for both the campfire and three people’s lives. I’m curious why the young man would assume that the “Dark One and his servant” line framed him as the servant, but all the questions in this piece just add to the atmosphere, and I’m very intrigued to see what happens next. Awesome story, VulpusRose! Great job!

    6. Revisis Avatar
      Revisis

      Oh i love this. This reads like straight out of a dark Fantasy novel.

      Id totally read a story about the young man becoming the “dark beast” and having to deal with people either trying to hunt him or spreading wildly exaggerated stories.

      Amazing Story Vulpes! Im especially amused by that last bit, people thinking the creepy human must be a servant with the beast remaining unseen.

  8. The Missing Link Avatar
    The Missing Link

    The Final March (The Lands Within)
    By: The Missing Link

    “L… what happens when we die?” Alpha stammered out nervously.

    “Sorry?”

    “It’s just, you’ve been telling me about those recent fragments you’ve seen.”

    L looked around at the mirror shards shining in the dark and shuddered, “It’s startling, what those humans do to each other, to themselves even.”

    “Mine don’t show such things. I’m sorry, but what happens after?”

    L sat still for a long time, her form flickering in the intense thought that often alluded shades, “I… I really couldn’t say. The humans talk about such wildly different things you’d forgive me for thinking they don’t know themselves. They talk of worlds of pleasure, worlds of wrath, worlds of nothing, and worlds of cycles. Some say there’s nothing at all.”

    “And what does that mean for us?” Alpha began to grow desperate, “Ru clawed and begged when he disappeared, but Zhe just… didn’t. Please, tell me.”

    L fought back the urge to snap at him. She didn’t understand humans any better than Alpha. These irrational creatures charged headlong into death, yet feared it, espoused logic, but remained slaves to compassion. She could not for the life of her comprehend these walking contradictions, and yet… something about them made sense, felt… almost natural.

    She could feel Alpha’s desperation and could only imagine what he had seen, asphyxiation, poison, electrocution, gas, what had he seen? These things the humans did to each other, they stuck with her. Would he understand? No…

    “I’m sorry,” Alpha sighed.

    “Would you,” L paused, “Come see the next fragment with me? I can’t guarantee you’ll like what you see.

    Choking down his fear, Alpha nodded and followed L in her search through the lightless land for the mirror that would finally be their escape.

    1. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      Well, that’s certainly one way to start a conversation. Though, I suppose if L is a traditional shade, they would be the best person to ask. Their characterization is interesting, too. The fact that L can’t answer the question in itself in fascinating, but the fact that they can’t outright admit “I don’t know” is also pretty revealing of their character. That, and their lack of faith in Alpha to understand.

      The one critique I have is in regards to L’s frustration towards humans’ contradictory existence. That paragraph states L’s understanding of humans to be contradictory–being both logical and illogical at the same time, and yet it feels natural for them to be as such. You imply heavily that by the end of that paragraph, L has comes to accept the fact that humans make no sense, which of itself is not a problem–and in fact, I think it’s cool that they use the paragraph to figure out them out. I just feel as if the paragraph could conclude more concretely on L’s emotions on the subject. Do they feel frustrated by their existence? Is there no point in lingering on the subject? L starts angry, but is she still angry by the end?

      Great work! Keep on keeping on!

    2. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      Well, I think this format of the shades discussing their own interpretations and the feelings the fragments elicit on them works really well, even better than when they are just experiencing the fragments. There is something more personal in them trying to figure out what they feel and think in the presence of a peer, which didn’t appear before.

      And the discussion you are working with, the theme, is a very engaging one. I really liked how it was treated and the broad and still very specific words L used to describe different belief systems and ideas on death. Quite curious to know that, although the shades understand that the fragment hold something that might help them pass through to another place, their world is also one where death is still beyond understanding.

      And even then, they need to get acquainted and experience it. Great tale!

    3. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John

      Fascinating read. Lots of depth in such a short piece. I don’t know the “Land Within” and think it might have made my experience richer. That said, it still read well, and I followed most of it. I got that the non-human L and Alpha are shades from other reviews as I am composing my review. Either I missed where you intimated that or it’s a core piece of the “Land Within” that’s not in this piece. Nonetheless, I really enjoyed L and Alpha’s consternation about how humans are. The hope at the end is poignant and adds stakes and meaning to where L and Alpha are trying to get to. Finally, the emotional tone of this piece from existential dread to intellectual confusion and finally hope is a strength and is what I enjoyed the most. Nice job!

  9. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
    i-prefer-the-term-antihero

    [Removed]

    1. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      Oh no, Savion. This never works out well for the one making the deal.
      I’m not entirely sure what the shadow is offering entirely, but everything about this seems like it will end badly. I love the way the two interact with each other, the way the shadow pokes and prods at Savion’s insecurities to try to sway him into the deal. And felt my heart fall a little when I read that he chose to make a deal at the end. This is a great story, Antihero.

    2. Lee Strangely Avatar
      Lee Strangely

      I love this shadowy demon making a deal with Savion. I really like the personality he has, shown through his dialogue (I would try to describe it, but I’m unfortunately rather poor with wording such things). Throughout reading this I had trouble deciding whether to read it as Stephen Fry’s Cheshire Cat or Michael Sheen’s portrayal of House from Doctor Who’s “The Doctor’s Wife.” I can hear the smooth deep voice emanating from his dialogue. Overall great job!

    3. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      It feels really, really good to read a negative character arc. Or maybe I’m just a masochist. Probably both.

      The reason I really like negative character arcs is that they can give so much more believable depth to a character that a positive character arc can’t avoid. True mistakes are the bread and butter of writing (in my opinion) and the pain that they cause is the jam waiting to be slathered on the juicy conflict. They get my blood pumping. But, even better, they leave the door open to redemption.

      I love the use of shadows to reflect Savion’s inner desire for power–such a classic use of symbolism to have the demon in his shadow. Power, too, is a classic lust for characters sprinting down the negative character arc path. I love that Savion refuses the deal and acts as if he’s better than the rest, but his insecurities are as clear as day, evident in “Little?” remark. Nice touch. It all wraps up into a nuanced, believable character (that I want to see bury the light and have his little brother pull it back out of him. Did I make a Devil May Cry reference on purpose. Yes. Yes I did.).

      And the REVERSAL of his decision at the end! YES!

      My only real critique isn’t even really a critique; I question the use of CAPS-LOCK as a way of differentiating a telepathic voice from that of the narration. For me, it always reads as SOMEONE YELLING REALLY LOUD. But, I already know that’s really the only choice you have since we can’t use any italic fonts. Maybe more quotes would have been better, but then you run the risk of having single-sentence paragraphs.

      I am so ready to read about the bodies Savion is going to leave in his wake. I await more!

    4. Rattus Avatar
      Rattus

      Okay, this was really good. Generally I find stories that are mainly dialogue are hard to get into, but this was executed so well. The banter between the two was entertaining to read and the characters played off each other in a great way. But the ending! Hoo boy, now that’s an ending. I love the mirroring, and I think the fact that it was just two lines and not a larger scene really worked in your favour. Great job!

    5. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      I like the final promise and the suspense of its fulfillment. It really shows us that there is a story between these points and one that follows.

      I’m a bit confused about what the Shadow is or means by “You’re too much like us.” Is the Shadow a plural being or is something else being referenced?

      I think the alternating caps and speech worked well in lieu of dialogue tags. I assume the Shadow speaks telepathically, but this works well either way.

      Great job!

    6. I always look forward to the long versions of your stories but that flash forward especially makes me incredibly curious as to what the longer version contains. Not to say it doesn’t work, because it’s very clear that Savion made his decision even if you weren’t familiar with the character and knew the decision he’d make. It just feels like there’s so much more there.

      One thing though that I respect is how straightforward the darkness was. Just straight up admitted that it would give Savion power in exchange for his sanity among other things. Which of course makes the shadow that much more terrifying because it knew it didn’t need to lie to reel Savion in. As it said, Savion was more like it than he wanted to admit.

      I also really like the formatting. The voice in caps does actually work for me. It should seem like it’s yelling but as soon as I realized it was a voice in Savion’s head, it seemed more… like an echo to to me.

      And lastly, the way you described the shadow painted the perfect horrific image. Especially when it flashed its teeth. Absolutely loved it.

      Great take on the prompt.

  10. Rattus Avatar
    Rattus

    The Lord of the Forest (Illusions of Heroes)
    by Gerrit (Rattus)

    Stones and twigs strewn across the ground dug into Emrys’s soles. The sounds of battle had long since faded, but no amount of distance he could gain felt like enough.

    An errant tree root, rising from the ground in a low arch, tripped him as he ran, sending him tumbling to the dirt. Unable to find the strength to stand, Emrys shuffled across the ground to a nearby tree, allowing himself to rest against it. The bark was coarse and rough, but it would do.

    Before he could catch his breath, the forest seemed to take on a life of its own. The howling of the wind became steadier, the groaning of the trees a haunting chorus. Emrys’s heart beat in his throat as he looked around frantically for any signs of danger.

    Then he saw it.

    Straight ahead a pair of antlers emerged, then the head of an elk came into view between the trees. But something was wrong.

    It was too tall, too confident in its stride. The darkness parted around a body that walked on two legs, and pushed branches out of its way with human hands.

    The Lord of the Forest.

    With each step it grew nearer, and something in Emrys screamed for him to run. But he was paralyzed. Frozen with fear against the tree, directly in the path of whatever this thing was.

    The ominous melody of the forest seemed to reach a crescendo now, as the creature was mere inches from Emrys. It towered over him, easily a full head taller than any adult Emrys had met in his short lifetime.

    It kneeled down, bringing its animal face so close to Emrys’s own that he could feel the creature’s hot breath. Emrys clenched his eyes shut as tight as he could, turning his head away.

    A finger pressed against the centre of his chest for just a moment. When Emrys allowed himself to open his eyes again, the creature was gone. The sounds of the forest had returned to their previous, asynchronous medley.

    He was alone again.

    1. Cromillea Avatar
      Cromillea

      Love the atmosphere of this piece. The Lord of the mountain has a great introduction as something natural turned to myth. It seems so creepy for a man deer creature to be lurking about in the dark!

      You include some good descriptions that help me grasp the scale of the thing. Also I like the comparison made between forest sounds and music. Doing it at the beginning and end is a nice feature.

      Nice story!

    2. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Well that’s haunting, and terrifying, and cool. The kind of thing that’s like “wow! What an awesome once-in-a-lifetime experience! I think I just wet myself!” XD

      You gotta have a terrifying and awesome antlered being to rule over the forest. You just gotta.

      “Stones and twigs strewn across the ground dug into Emrys’s soles.”
      –I always love these sorts of sensory details. They really put me in the scene.

      “the groaning of the trees a haunting chorus.”
      –That is such a cool image.

      “But something was wrong.”
      –A very cool beat drop. Also, that is how it kinda always feels with these antlered forest monsters, isn’t it? They don’t feel explicitly terrifying, they just feel *off,* like you’re not sure you can trust them. Reading this scene, I’m not thinking this being is clearly evil or clearly good, it just feels so clearly not-human, and tied to the power and mystery of the forest.

      Is it a human body with an elk face, or is it an upright elk body and elk face with human hands?

      “The ominous melody of the forest seemed to reach a crescendo now, as the creature was mere inches from Emrys.”
      –A really powerful image

      “It kneeled down, bringing its animal face so close to Emrys’s own that he could feel the creature’s hot breath”
      –I don’t know if I should say OOH or OOF XD This image is so striking, and as cool as it is terrifying.

      “A finger pressed against the centre of his chest for just a moment. When Emrys allowed himself to open his eyes again, the creature was gone. The sounds of the forest had returned to their previous, asynchronous medley.”
      –Now THAT’S interesting. I was not expecting that ending. Of course, one of the questions it leaves is whether or not it was a dream, but, especially because it’s called “The Lord of the Forest” I don’t think it was. So, if it’s not a dream, the fact that it can disappear like that makes it even more “wrong” seeming, and interesting.
      So the real question I’m left with is, what did it *do* when it touched Emrys’ chest? I wonder if it gave him some power…If this is the battle he dies in, and this creature made it so he could come back somehow…

      My main critique, however, is Emrys’ line, “whatever this thing was.” Because this creature was just clearly and dramatically called “The Lord of the Forest” earlier in the piece. The piece seems to be in third limited, so it feels odd to have this omniscient line in the middle of it. (I actually think the piece would work better if you only put “The Lord of the Forest” in the title, and had Emrys have no idea what it was.)

      Great job!! A fascinating and haunting story!!

    3. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      This was perfect.

      Okay, for the sake of constructive criticism, there are two things I can suggest reviewing, but on the whole this piece was actually so good. The tension of escaping out of the frying pan in into the fire was not lost on me, and the aura of the Lord of the Forest was amazingly well done. You also cap the piece with mystery into the true nature of the monster, and question whether the Lord of the Forest can even be described as such. This also leads into the question of WHY it helped Emrys, to which you abruptly end the story right when it was necessary. I have to say, I love it.

      Like I mentioned, there are two things that you should look at; there are commas in that second paragraph that you could easily get rid of. The first two in the second paragraph you can get rid of without harming the sentence. It would increase the flow of the paragraph, me thinks. The second thing is the possessive apostrophe in the first sentence. You don’t need the apostrophe if the name ends with an “s”. Basically, “Emrys’s” isn’t necessary–it can just be “Eymirs’…”.

      I hope my critiques help! Phenomenal job! I hope this gets read on stream!

      P.S. (I have a character called “Eymir” and I was going to do a scene much like this one with him and a weird, extra-planar being in stag shape. I think we might be on the same wavelength, lol.)

    4. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      This is an interesting scene, but I’m feeling an acute lack of context.

      Emrys seems to be running away from or toward something, but other than a vague mention of a battle, we don’t get details. We also don’t get an explanation of what the Lord of the Forest is, whether an emanation or manifestation or god. It seems to be a shapeshifter of some sort though?

      But enough of the criticism! Your sensory detailing is on full display in this scene and makes Emrys’ experience feel—more than seem—real. The scene’s pacing, aside from the aforementioned context, is damn near flawless.

      Fantastic job, Rattis!

  11. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
    RVMPLSTLTSKN

    Klajonas
    By RVMPLSTLTSKN (The Saga of The Deep One’s Wake)

    The sound of little feet slapping on stone woke Vienas. She’d been dreaming of her daughter’s face. A strange dream. She’d only seen her husband’s once and never Baby’s.

    A giggle echoed in the aging temple, sounding of mud and decay and glee. She wondered if the temple’s former god would have minded the sound. Knowledge is as much experiential as abstracted.

    It was a simple thing to change, that sense of self-righteousness and somberity, now a child’s free innocence. A place for laughter.

    “What did Klajonas do then, Father?” Baby’s echoes asked.

    Vienas rose and walked hesitantly through her personal gloom, listening. A patch of warmth underfoot told her it was day. Evening perhaps. The sunlight entered through the high doors, above the barricade they had built to keep out the dogs, but mostly in the evening.

    “He took the spirit’s stone and wore it on a necklace. The spirit went with him and watched over him as he slept. It kept him safe from the things that stalk in the night and once guided him through a long cave without any light.”

    “Are there still spirits, Father?”

    “No, I don’t think so.”

    Vienas shuffled behind them. “They died, Baby, with all the people.”

    “Are there still people?”

    “There’s us.” What more could she say? She wasn’t sure how she had lived and her god hadn’t.

    “But other people?”

    “Maybe.”

    “I want to find them. You can call me Klajonas and I’ll bring them here! Like the other Klajonas. And then maybe the spirits will come back.”

    Vienas could only hear the joy in that little voice and it broke her heart. She laid a hand on her swelling belly. Perhaps a sibling, someone else to know, would appease Baby’s desire for a playmate.

    “Would you truly like us to call you Klajonas?” Father asked.

    Hands clapping, Baby exclaimed, “Yes!”

    “Well,” Vienas said, feeling that she was alone in her dread, “I suppose that is your name.”

    She touched Baby’s face and said, with a smile born of fondness and worry, “My own little Klajonas. Never leave us.”

    1. Cromillea Avatar
      Cromillea

      This story is sweet. The idea of a silent temple and long gone people makes the scenes with the family feel stronger. I like Baby’s excitement and cheerful naivety.

      I’m still a bit confused on the importance of the name Kaljonas. Is that what they used to call spirit gatherers?

      In any case, I appreciate the worldbuilding that is done here. I makes me interested in what happened to this place and their god.

      Thanks for your story!

    2. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      There’s something really sad about believing you’re the only ones left of a surviving group. You really nailed the melancholic feel of this story, and I think that’s one of the most difficult emotions to convey.

      I have some words about the grammar, however. There’s a particular line that really caught my attention: “The sunlight entered through the high doors, above the barricade they had built to keep out the dogs, but mostly in the evening.” This sentence is rather confusing and might benefit from being split into two. Is this trying to say that the sunlight entered through the high doors mostly in the evening, or that the barricade kept out the dogs mostly in the evening? It reminds me of that one Daft Punk song where Giovanni Giorgio says he “slept partially in the car.” Does he mean that he slept half-in, half-out of his car, or that he sometimes needed to sleep in his car? The line is something to consider editing.

      Wonderful job, though! Keep it up!

    3. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John

      Beautiful! Such an emotional mix in such a short piece, the economy of writing is great. The differentiation of emotional tone of separate characters is exquisite. Technically, nice mix of exposition, dialog forward, but works well. Is Vienas blind? Or did I miss read that, or is it a metaphor for her personal gloom? I enjoyed reading this, well done.

  12. Inevitability
    Written by Pluie

    “Come in, mission control! This is Delta Nine, do you read?! ” I yelled desperately into my coms. I could feel the fire behind me as it greedily licked up the walls of my pod, a silent terror.

    I slammed the coms desperately thinking that it would miraculously connect with someone. Anyone. To no avail. I just wasted precious time. I scowled under my helmet and quickly pushed myself to face the direction of the capsule’s exit. The fire had stuck to almost every surface in the ship by now, dousing the entirety of the interior with darkness. I had noticed that the flames couldn’t gain traction on my suit. So now it was either I succumbed to this eldritch substance or I died trying to fight it, I chose the latter.

    I used one of my legs to push off of the dash, propelling myself forward through the door and subsequently- into the darkness. I pulled a glowstick out from my utility pouch and cracked it over my knee, the room erupting into a bright red light when I did. I saw the dark tendrils of fire squirming all around me only to witness it hold eerily still in the light. I instinctively held my breath- suddenly realizing I had become a fresh new food source when it wriggled towards me.

    Stubbornly, I clicked the stick onto my belt and turned myself so I could see what was in front of me. I pushed myself through the air until I quite literally ran into a pole- grabbing onto it. I used my legs to kick off right as the tendrils grabbed for me. I slammed into a corner and pushed off of the wall once more, launching deeper into the ruins of my ship. I could feel the fiery cold tendrils licking my ankles- Damn! I was almost there. My fingers brushed against the handle of the airlock for just a moment- only to realize it was welded shut. I turned around slowly to face my fate… and lifted my visor to get a good long look at it.

  13. Inevitability
    Written by Pluie

    “Come in, mission control! This is Delta Nine, do you read?! ” I yelled desperately into my coms. I could feel the fire behind me as it greedily licked up the walls of my pod, a silent terror.

    I slammed the coms desperately thinking that it would miraculously connect with someone. Anyone. To no avail. I just wasted precious time. I scowled under my helmet and quickly pushed myself to face the direction of the capsule’s exit. The fire had stuck to almost every surface in the ship by now, dousing the entirety of the interior with darkness. I had noticed that the flames couldn’t gain traction on my suit. So now it was either I succumbed to this eldritch substance or I died trying to fight it, I chose the latter.

    I used one of my legs to push off of the dash, propelling myself forward through the door and subsequently- into the darkness. I pulled a glowstick out from my utility pouch and cracked it over my knee, the room erupting into a bright red light when I did. I saw the dark tendrils of fire squirming all around me only to witness it hold eerily still in the light. I instinctively held my breath- suddenly realizing I had become a fresh new food source when it wriggled towards me.

    Stubbornly, I clicked the stick onto my belt and turned myself so I could see what was in front of me. I pushed myself through the air until I quite literally ran into a pole- grabbing onto it. I used my legs to kick off right as the tendrils grabbed for me. I slammed into a corner and pushed off of the wall once more, launching deeper into the ruins of my ship. I could feel the fiery cold tendrils licking my ankles- fuck! I was almost there. My fingers brushed against the handle of the airlock for just a moment- only to realize it was welded shut. I turned around slowly to face my fate… and lifted my visor to get a good long look at it.

  14. Lee Strangely Avatar
    Lee Strangely

    Out of the Chest
    by Lee Strangely

    The trap door flopped open with a teeth-gritting creak. Kent peered into a place that usually only saw human contact when grandma’s junk would start to suffocate rooms below. The attic was like a small city, covered with dust and webs, lit by the single dirty window at the end of the room. Something rattled and banged up there.

    BA-BA-BA-BUM.

    Kent jumped, with his eyes darting every which way to find the culprit.

    BA-BUM.

    He made his way to the end of the room, towards a small pile of old suitcases and ornate boxes. Atop the pile sat a chest. With each thud the chest seemed to jump a little. Unfortunately, the dust soon got to him.

    “A-choo!”

    “Someone there?!” a voice called.

    “Whose there?” Kent called out timidly.

    “Ah, a kid! Get me out.”

    “The chest?” Kent asked.

    “Yes, the chest,” he said with a rattle, “if I recall, you’ll likely be looking for one of those large skeleton keys.”

    Kent got closer, noticing the small size of the chest, “How small are you?”

    “Very…”

    “Who are you?”

    “Key first. Then we exchange names.”

    Kent pulled out a cardboard box from one of the shelves. Hundreds of keys jangled as he rooted through it.

    “Is this it?” Kent asked, pulling out a large black key.

    “Uh kid, I’m in the chest.”

    “Oh, yeah.”

    “Is it black, the key?”

    “Yes.”

    “Good. Now comes the easy part. It’ll be a walk in the dark.”

    “You mean walk in the park?”

    “That’s what I said. Now, unlock the chest.”

    Kent hesitated, “How do I know that you won’t hurt me.”

    “I won’t.”

    “Promise.” he commanded.

    “I promise.”

    The key turned.

    CLICK.

    Kent moved back.

    The chest burst open, a powerful light leaping from it, growing in size. Soon it faded, revealing man with dark curly hair standing on the chest. His coat, goggles, and lengthy scarf were well worn…

    And the outlines of his butterfly-like wings shimmered in the light.

    “W-what are you?”

    “I’m a fairy, kid,” he declared with a wink and a click, “The mythical, the magical… The impossible!”

    1. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      What a wonderful interpretation of the prompt, Lee! The dialogue in this story is full of personality, as are the descriptions. I especially like the fairy, with his non-stereotypical outfit accompanied by butterfly wings. Although I think you’re missing an “a” in the line “Soon it faded, revealing [a] man with dark curly hair…” ? Regardless, this story was very fun to read, and it would be fun to hear more from Kent and the fairy in the future. Great job!

    2. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      I’ve always wanted a sassy, steampunk-looking fairy godfather! You had me with the key being black and ominous, but I suppose there’s always time for the fairy to stab Kent in the back. Maybe he’ll grant Kent the wish of superpowers, only to be weak to one specific kind of quartz. Who knows!

      I really have nothing to critique! This piece is to the point, simple, and funny! You’re doing wonderfully!

    3. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      I am forever jealous of people with actual attics (where I live they are miserable spaces fit only for insulation and possibly air conditioning units, and anything stored there would most certainly be ruined by the heat). An excellent setting for wonder and the unknown.

      You’ve got a typo: “Whose there?” should be “Who’s there?”

      This story was a great hook, as it really it the stage for some interesting things going forward. It leaves so many questions. How did he get in the box? How long has he been in the box? What happens now?

      Overall this feels like the start of a fun book I would want to read to my kids (while also warning them that you never, ever give fairy creatures your name). Well done!

    4. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      Well someone just let a genie out of the bottle, which is not good. Mostly because I know of the fairy lore, granted I might be stretching. As for the prompt, I can see the walk in the dark given the attic and how hard it was to see. Plus someone locked in a box adds to that.

      Overall loved it and await the misadventures.

    5. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Gosh, this is so delightful, I love it!!

      I was really nervous (but not complaining) this was going to be a dark creature, considering it commands him to get him out (rather than asking nicely), asks how small he is (perhaps to see if he can eat him), and doesn’t give his name until exiting. I was delightfully surprised to find that was not the case (or at least, didn’t seem to be so) by the end.

      I love the idea of a fairy having a more uhh…tough? Rough-and-tumble? personality. It reminds me of…gosh it’s been forever since I’ve seen this movie, but I think there was a movie called Tooth Fairy, where The Rock had to become a tooth fairy? Like that. It’s so fun XD Also male fairies in general I feel are underused.

      I don’t have a lot of specific lines to point out, I just overall loved how it flowed. The description of the attic is really well done and vivid, the noises are striking and intriguing, the back-and-forth of the dialogue really works and flows well, and the ending is a delightful twist.

      Stars and high-fives all around!!

  15. Cromillea Avatar
    Cromillea

    Keep Walking (Dawn Collection)
    By Cromillea

    The sky turned dark gray and rain came down hard when Lucian and Dawn entered the capital. They were escorted through an amassing crowd by local paladins. A barrier formed up from the bolstering forces of the Royal Guard and Crimson Elite.

    As the jubilant crowd swelled around the guards Lucian noticed that his daughter seemed increasingly disappointed.

    “Why so down?” he asked, concerned.

    Since she was among other paladins, Dawn replied formally and said, “Your Radiance, I have been made into a fool many times within my company. Now I’m coming back to their mockery.”

    For a moment, the rain began to steam off the Sunrise King’s back; he could not fathom that his kind and cheery daughter was being bullied. He had to check his rage before he asked, “Why haven’t you said anything? Don’t they know you’re a Solaris?”

    “I never really told anyone about my adoption,” she replied nonchalantly.

    “That hurts,” Lucian said, shocked.

    “My favor with His Radiance is not something I want to flaunt about. People will start to treat me weird,” she said in defense.

    “You mean with respect,” he replied bluntly. “No matter, I know what you mean, but if this behavior continues I’m going to have a word with your captain.”

    The party began to disperse as the paladins stayed behind to block off the castle gates. Red banners ran along their path to the stairway, pulsing in the breeze. Lucian could see archers in the ramparts running together to celebrate his return.

    “If you do anything, you’ll embarrass me,” Dawn continued, losing her formality among the more personal guards.

    “Oh, because I love you?” Lucian teased.

    Great doors opened before them, and the procession was swept out of the gloom and into the bright palace halls. Lucian stopped his daughter, who was in a hurry to get away, and gave her a soaking hug.

    “Now you better sort out those bullies before I step in,” he joked.

    “Yes, sir,” Dawn said instinctively. “Next time we practice, I’ll have to show them my new techniques.”

    1. Good for her, not wanting to pull rank. Mind you, her fellow Pallies are going to flip when they find out.

      I imagine a full round of “Oh crap we’re in trouble now” from the rest.

      I would like to see Dawn absolutely trounce her bullies BEFORE they find out who she is though. Just for the pure justification of it all.

    2. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      It’s interesting to see the prompt be taken as “being kept in the dark,” or at least that’s what I read this wholesome conversation as. I liked that despite Dawn’s lack of disclosure of who she really is, Lucian, although a bit miffed, understands completely why she would do something like that. It makes be believe that Lucian may have been of a much lower status at one point and has experience with the notoriety nobility gives someone. This was an excellent scene portraying a loving father and daughter relationship, and I enjoyed the read greatly!

      That being said, the scene resolved a little to… easily in my opinion. Where is the conflict? Lucian shrugs off the apparent shame in using the Solaris name like it was nothing, despite saying that it hurt. Dawn is confident that she can take care of the bullies herself, so… what is the purpose of this scene other than to reveal Dawn’s hesitation about her name? It left me feeling a bit neutral about the ending.

      Either way, this work was fantastic! Keep it up!

    3. Lee Strangely Avatar
      Lee Strangely

      I like it when characters are more important or powerful than they let on, but hide or avoid it for internal reasons. Batman won’t use a gun because to him it puts him on the same level as the common crook who gunned his parent down in the middle of an alley. Characters like Maverick and James T. Kirk don’t care about moving up the food chain and getting more power because it only puts them further away from the adventure/purpose that they worked for and grew up with. Here Dawn seems to be a sort of person that would rather earn respect instead of being born with it and solve her problems on her own rather than letting another person or her own status do so for her (and being treated differently as a result of it). This story was well written and I really liked the character interactions. Great job!

    4. Rattus Avatar
      Rattus

      This was a really fun piece! I liked the relationship between the two characters and the way their dialogue played off each other. The descriptions of the scenery were well done, your word choice was absolutely on point. I’m curious how the rest of the paladins would react if they found out the truth about Dawn, whether they would apologise for just sort of pretend the bullying never happened. I’m definitely looking forward to reading more from this universe. Great job!

    5. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      This was very sweet! I wasn’t expecting many wholesome stories with this week’s prompt but I am so happy to be surprised.

      You do such a good job of setting the scene of this grand procession throughout with such great details. It gives the piece such a sense of place that can easily get lost in a character piece like this.

      I love how much affection I can feel from Lucian’s words. Protective, but also wanting to let her fight her own battles. Hits all the good parent buttons.

      My only minor nitpick is that you have a moment that you call out Dawn becoming less formal, but a few of her dialogue pieces before that moment don’t strike me as entirely formal, so that moment lost some of its impact for me. Her first bit is almost stuffy in its formality but then she says, “I never really told anyone…” and not something more formal like, “I have not shared the details of my adoption with my fellow soldier.” Also “People will start to treat me weird” also feels very informal as opposed to something like “I do not wish to be treated differently.” This is a weird nitpick for me, because I LIKE all of Dawn’s dialogue as is, its just with the moment of her losing formality being called out, it feels like those two things don’t quite match. I’m not sure I explained that well enough, but I hope it makes sense.

      The characters and world you are building here are so interesting and they pull me in week after week. Thanks so much for sharing it with us!

    6. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      I have already said that I’m entirely sold in this universe, so it is unnecessary to point out that I really like these characters and how they interact. Still, there are some new points here that don’t give me a choice – I’ll need to repeat myself in order to say something more, so repeat it will be.

      Others have already pointed out on how Dawn shows herself in this piece and how it builds up on their relationship with her fellow paladins. to my eyes, what really is interesting is thinking on the effect that whole conversation can have on Lucian. Yes, the Sunrise King seem confident in letting his adoptive daughter take her own fights on her own terms, but to my reading at least, the last few times she has been made a fool may not be entirely her fault. Lucian can act in a very caring-but-careless way sometimes (fleeing the kingdom, being captured), and those can impact on the image of his protector. So… maybe this whole dialogue might make something new dawn (pun intended) in the Sunrise King as well?

      Anyway, this celestial story keeps expanding, and I’ll keep coming back to see where it has expanded to next. So far, I’ve been pleasantly surprised each time, and I doubt I won’t be in the next ones!

  16. Glaceon373 Avatar
    Glaceon373

    Do Not Mess With a Daughter of Darkness
    by Carrie (Glaceon373)

    A faint wind whispered through the trees as a little girl’s sneakers carried her along a gravel path. The sun had set hours ago, but the girl did not seem to care. She was skipping along, humming a tune to accompany the wind in the trees and the gravel under her feet.

    Stars twinkled far above the girl and the path. Most of the time, the girl’s eyes were glued to them, instead of on the darkness that surrounded her.

    Or what lurked in the darkness that surrounded her.

    To the east, a creature breathed. It breathed the scent of decaying leaves, the scent of the faint wind, and the scent of a human. It mistook the human scent for that of easy prey.

    Barely a bush’s branch broke as the creature slunk closer to the gravel path. Once it was only a few feet away, it stopped to prepare its attack on the little girl, whose eyes were still on the stars.

    There was enough light on the path—likely from the moon rather than the stars—to cast a shadow or two on the ground. The girl’s shadow hummed along with her.

    The creature did not notice that it was harmonizing. That was a fatal mistake.

    The creature waited for the girl’s ankles to line up perfectly with its claws before it pounced. It lunged towards its target, then—

    It was yanked to a stop, floating in the air.

    The creature was too stunned to notice that the neck of its shadow was in the clutches of the shadow of the girl. It tried and failed to gasp for air, suffocating from an invisible, intangible force.

    The girl had not cared that the sun was long gone, for she did not need the safety of its light. She was always safe when she walked in the dark.

    She continued staring at the stars as the creature fell, crunching into the gravel path.

    1. Cromillea Avatar
      Cromillea

      This is so fun! A sweet little girl with a shadowy protector. I imagine she has some sort of kinship with her shadow to walk about alone so casually at night. They even make a nice tune together. I’m certainly loving the pair: young girl and scary shadow.

      I do have a darker interpretation for this. With her eyes always on the stars, it seems like the girl has fallen into an enchanted lure, the shadow taking her to places at night. Or she has meddled with dark magic to make her friend.

      Love that whatever monster was hunting her got hunted in return. The descriptions from the beast pov using smells is also helpful for differentiating characters. And the descriptions of its violent end are well done.

      Great story!

    2. Deadly kid.

      I was honestly anticipating a pet ‘play-attacking’ its owner, but this did a one-eighty into grimdark. Kind of fitting with the title.

      What I need to know is – was the creature in the darkness any threat at all? If yes – fine and dandy. If no, the kid is on the slippery slope towards outright villainy.

      Either way, she’s a firkin BADASS

    3. Lee Strangely Avatar
      Lee Strangely

      At the start (with the title in mind) I was thinking to myself “oh the creature’s gonna try to to attack her and she’s just going to pummel it, end of story.” However, when I reached the line talking about the girl humming with her, that’s when everything turned around ang got so much more interesting for me. Humming? What could it mean? What punishment awaits the creature? I also really like the build up to the shadow being the threat. Even though the you kind of already know when the shadow is first mentioned that it will be attacking the creature, the act of starting by describing the creature simply floating in the air maintains some feeling of mystery while waiting to learn what is actually happening. Shadows fighting one another in a similar vein to daemons in His Dark Materials is also very interesting concept. Overall I think you did a great job with this one.

    4. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      Shadows are often seen as dark reflection of one’s self, and a lot of media use shadows as protectors of their main body. So, I find myself really enjoying the contrast of a little girl the killer apparition following her every step. I saw that you were flexing your wordplay a bit with the alliteration “Barely a bush’s branch broke”, so I have to point out how much I loved the line “The girl had not cared that the sun was long gone, for she did not need the safety of its light.” Something about that line reads to me that the girl isn’t wholly a little girl–something far more sinister.

      There’s just one point I would like to draw your attention to: repetition in words. It can get… repetitive and slide a reader out of flow. The two places that really stuck out to me in this regard were the phrases “…the darkness that surrounded her.” [Paragraph 2 and 3] and “The creature…” [Paragraph 7, 8, and 10]. Be careful when repeating words or phrases line after line. If the repeated effect isn’t used to covey something in the subtext, it might be better to find a new way to word things.

      Amazing work! Keep it up!

    5. LivingParadox Avatar
      LivingParadox

      Love the idea of an innocent looking girl being protected from the shadows, or in this case by the shadows. Reminds me of one of my favorite characters, Filia from the video game skullgirls. The image of a little girl humming along in the darkness is cute yet very creepy.

      Keep up the great work, out of the submissions I’ve read so far, this is definitely one of my favorites.

    6. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      I knew from the title this one would be a ride (I envy your titles, mine are always so bland).

      The girl’s shadow humming along with her was *chef’s kiss* perfection. Such a cool image, and something that could, honestly, be easy to miss if you were to see her.

      I love this girl with he eyes on the stars and I am so curious as to what other secrets she might hold. And what else might be lurking in the dark.

      This feels like the opening scene to a larger work that gives you just enough to be hooked and leaves you with so many questions, like a stinger scene before the opening credits of a show.

      I don’t have much to say about this one, other than that I really enjoyed it!! Thanks so much for writing and sharing!

  17. LivingParadox Avatar
    LivingParadox

    EVA
    By LivingParadox

    Tic stood in the airlock, scared out of his mind. The asteroid shield broke, and the only way to fix it was outside the ship. As chief mechanic, he had the most experience fixing the ship, and only someone his size could fit inside the maintenance panel. He knew that no one else could fix The Eclipse, but that didn’t stop his legs from shaking.

    He tugged at the tether once again. Despite checking his gear 3 times already, he couldn’t shake the fear that something would go wrong. Suddenly, a voice came from his headset. “I know you’re scared, Tic, but you can do this. We’re counting on you.” Capt Civ said, snapping him out of his trance.

    “I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

    Shaking a little less than before, Tic checked his gear one last time before depressurizing the airlock. A few seconds passed, and the hatch opened, exposing Tic to the vast emptiness of space. He could see thousands of stars in the distance, but they all failed to break the infinite darkness before him. “No turning back now.” Tic muttered to himself as he stepped off the air lock and onto the side of the ship.

    He was thankful the panel was only a few feet away. The faster he could return to the safety of the ship, the better he’d feel. The second he crawled inside, he could tell what was wrong. One cable had a sharp bend and started fraying. “Who installed this thing? I say it time and time again, but no one listens. You never bend cables”

    He took out his tools and got to work. After a few minutes, the cable was fixed and Tic could finally return to the ship. He closed the panel and called out. “Alright captain, the shield should be working. Run her up.”

    Soon enough, the familiar whir of the generator could be heard as the shields came on. Tic scampered back inside and closed the hatch. No matter how much he loved space, he was happy to be back inside.

    1. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      What a cute tale, LivingParadox! Gotta love a good spaceship story. The anxiety about leaving the ship, plus the fact that Tic is in the vast darkness that is space, makes this quite the unique take on the prompt. I’m curious about your placements of paragraph breaks, as some of them feel a little jarring or slightly out of place. Regardless, I still very much enjoyed this story, LivingParadox. Great job!

      1. LivingParadox Avatar
        LivingParadox

        I see what you mean with the paragraph breaks. I normally start a new paragraph when the scene changes in some way. I think of it as a video, we start at the airlock seeing tic from afar, his legs visibly shaking. Next paragraph we zoom in to see him fidgeting and tugging at his gear. After that, the hatch opens and we see the emptiness of space for the first time. Then, we are finally outside the spaceship and in the maintenance panel. The last 2 paragraph breaks are where this no longer holds up, I think I did this because of the dialog, something about dialog makes me want to start a new paragraph.

        Either way thank you for your review, it helped me see where I could possibly be losing the reader with out of place paragraph breaks.

    2. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      Simple and sweet. I love space: it’s so cool, and so terrifying at the same time. I think it was brilliant that you used the vastness of space as the darkness for this prompt. The dangers of a EVA really fit the theme really well, and I think you hit the nail on the head with this one!

      I (personally) don’t see anything wrong with the paragraph breaks here (save for the captain’s second dialogue). However, I will mention that the captain says they’ll be with Tic every step of the way, and then never speaks again. Seems a little misleading, lol. On a more serious note, I think that while this story is good, there’s not much emphasis on the stakes of the EVA. I know a lot of people are aware of how dangerous an EVA actually is, but maybe a little mention from Tic that he could be thrown out into the abyss, or have his suit punctured and implode, or be electrocuted, or have his oxygen fail could add more to the tension of the scene. Maybe he could even play it off as a joke? I dunno, but there could definitely be more drama here.

      Either way, great job! Keep up the good work!

      1. LivingParadox Avatar
        LivingParadox

        Thank you for the encouraging words.

        I wish i could’ve written more about the dangers of an EVA, but i had to cut out a lot of details. The most I could do was leave the part in the 2nd paragraph where he’s checking his gear again and again because he can’t shake the fear that something will go wrong. Also Tic isn’t the type to make jokes at times like this, the way i see his character is as someone who takes his job very seriously, even when he’s scared out of his mind, you can see this when he gets angry about the bent cable and completely forgets he’s floating in space with only a life support tether keeping him from drifting away. As for Captain Civ not speaking again, I was planning on adding more lines for her, but just couldn’t fit anything in.

    3. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      First of all, let me just say that Tic seems like the perfect name for your diminutive protagonist. Immediately gives me a solid image of what he seems like.
      This story definitely delivers tension. The moment I found out what Tic had to do, I wasn’t entirely sure that it was going to end successfully for him. I definitely had to read to the end to see where this went. And I can feel his apprehension at having to to an EVA.
      I love Tic’s annoyance with the bent cable. I can imagine his nerves spilling out into a bit of an outburst over this.
      Anyway, fun story, Paradox.

    4. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      I’m a sucker for a good space story, and space seems like the perfect setting for this week’s prompt, in a very, “I wish I’d thought of that” way.

      You do a great job of setting the tension here, and that the tension comes from an experienced mechanic really sells the stakes even though you aren’t able to go into more detail.

      A minor nitpick is that while I LOVE the detail of him checking his gear three times (sells the stakes as well as characterizes Tic as very careful), I feel like you could cut the “he couldn’t shake the fear that something would go wrong,” bit. The detail of what he’s doing sells those thoughts so well, that, for me at least, it was weakened a bit by immediately telling the reader what he was thinking. You’d already shown the reader, so telling us was almost redundant.

      Same with “The faster he could return to the ship…” sentence later on. There isn’t’ anything wrong with these parts, and I can completely understand why you want his state of mind to be very clear to the reader, but with the eternal enemy of the word limit, I can’t help but feel like the words used on something you’d already shown us so clearly could have been better utilized elsewhere.

      But overall this was a strong piece, and I was quite relieved when everything ended up with a successful repair and a safe mechanic!

  18. Admiring the Spectacle [Cordelia’s Journey/A Tiefling Tale]
    C. M. Weller [Edits suggested by Skeleton]

    The natural philosophers said it was a once-in-a-lifetime event. Fortunately, the weather was clear to view it. Unfortunately, every light in Whitekeep had to be extinguished for the occasion.

    They called it Fated Fyre. Those born under its light were destined for some kind of greatness, or other such fantastic destiny. So they said. One could imagine a swarm of hero types with a cluster of birthdays gathered under the influence of the Fated Fyres.

    Such was clearly not true.

    The Fyre was at ebb, leaving everything in darkness so complete that Cordelia couldn’t see. She reached out, knowing that her Kosh would be there to guide her. “Sometimes I envy your unfair advantage.”

    He used the excuse to wrap an arm around her waist as well. “I don’t think it makes up for the rest of it. Five paces forward, then we’re opening the door.”

    “Once we’re outside, I’LL have an advantage,” she smiled, knowing Kosh could see her.

    “Oh? You have a surprise?” His hand guided hers to the handle, and the night air greeted her face.

    She could feel the presence of the plants in the castle gardens. The thousands of lives surrounding her. To anyone else’s ears, she said a series of clicks and chirps, but the FIREFLIES heard, “Light the flat spaces where the big ones roam, and no plants are, please.”

    The green dancing lights were just enough to show that the paths were there. She didn’t need to ask Kosh to tread carefully. Cordelia could see her husband as a shape against the stars, and the twin suns of his golden eyes.

    “We should be watching the skies, not staring into each other’s eyes,” he said. Not looking away from her.

    “Maybe I should guide you. My lord.” Only she was permitted to get away with using those words as a taunt.

    “Maybe you should,” Kosh took any excuse to look upon her like anyone else might admire a masterpiece.

    Cordelia lead him to the platform where they could sit and picnic under the heatless flames that would soon appear in the sky.

    1. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      The tonal shift of this piece really made the cuteness of the end perfectly wholesome. What I thought I was getting was a stealth segment working towards something serious, but a cute date really made me smile like an idiot. This scene really builds these two characters a lot, both in their relationship and their respective skills. You’ve also managed to slip in world building while you were at it– incredibly impressive! Overall, I really enjoyed the read!

      There is one thing I would like to point out for review. There is a line in the last paragraph that I think you should look over: “Any excuse to look upon her like anyone else might admire a masterpiece.” I was confused at first when reading this, and I understood it after a few read through, but I believe it’s missing the subject: Kosh. You could add, “He took” or “Kosh took” to the beginning of the sentence and it would flow far smoother.

      Great scene! You’re doing excellent work!

      1. I had a hell of a time trimming this down to 350 words, so adding more would not help me out. Maybe if I moved that “Any excuse…” to the previous paragraph and let the rest of Cordelia’s paragraph stand alone. Would that do for indicating what he was doing?

        1. Skeleton Avatar
          Skeleton

          If you can’t add any more words, then you could change the “he agreed” to “he took” and then move the “Any excuse…” line up after the dialogue. If you did that, it would look like:

          “Maybe you should.” Kosh took any excuse to look upon her like anyone else might admire a masterpiece.

          It still conveys that Kosh is speaking through context clues, and it makes the sentence understandable.

    2. Cromillea Avatar
      Cromillea

      This reads very well for me, it was quite relaxing too. The image of a calm night under an extinguishing flame gives that feel to the story. I did think that the two of them might have gotten into a fight when they kept discussing advantages; then soon I made the connection that they were talking about sight.

      The way you use the fireflies to set up this lovely date was great. I enjoy the imagery and the sweet banter between Kosh and Cordelia. The way they look at each other and speak is full of character.

      Also, that world building pulled me in. It didn’t feel info dumpy at all, and that’s hard to do.

      Thanks for this pleasant story!

      1. World building is fun and so is light-hearted banter between a loving couple.

  19. MasaCur Avatar
    MasaCur

    The River Styx
    By MasaCur

    Melissa glanced around the darkness that surrounded her. The ground was rocky, sloping gently down to a black, flowing river.

    She hoped that Cristian hadn’t crossed Styx yet. If she had to enter the first circle of Hell to find him, it would complicate things.

    She ran down along the river bank, and saw a small group of people boarding a river barge.

    “Wait!” Melissa called out. “Wait for me.”

    The robed figure looked up and paused, then gestured for Melissa to come aboard.

    “Is there a young latino man here? Curly hair, maybe five foot ten?”

    “Find a seat,” the ferryman softly ordered.

    Melissa boarded the boat, careful not to touch the river. Styx was filled with nightmares, quite literally.

    Melissa followed along the starboard side, as the barge shifted beneath her, the ferryman poling it into the river.

    After passing several dead souls, she spotted Cristian’s face.

    “Cristian!”

    Cristian looked up in surprise. “Mel? Where are we?”

    “Purgatory. Cris, I’m here to rescue you,” she said. “Francis is preparing you for resurrection.”

    She noticed the ferryman cock his head when she said that.

    “I need to tether your soul to mine,” Melissa said, nervously glancing at the ferryman.

    The ferryman pulled his pole from the river, revealing it to be a rather large scythe. “What is a tethered soul doing on my boat?” he demanded. He pulled back his hood, revealing a pale, angry face, and a shock of light blonde hair.

    “Actually, now that I’ve found my friend, I was just leaving,” Melissa said.

    The ferryman advanced upon them, swinging the scythe.

    Melissa needed a minute to tether Cristian to her to pull his soul back with her. She backed up, pulling Cristian with her.

    The ferryman rushed forward.

    Melissa closed her eyes and steeled her soul, before taking the only action she could think of. She wrapped her arms around Cristian and dove into the river.

    As soon as they plunged in, Cristian was screaming as the trauma of thousands of dead lives hit them both. A second later, it was echoed by Melissa’s.

    1. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      Charon has had it with these god-damned tethered souls on his god-damned boat!

      I really like reading about different interpretations of mythology, so a story about the Styx is always appreciated! Though, it leaves me to wonder where all the stories of the river Acheron are. Regardless, I loved this story! Simple and sweet! I really liked how you used chekhov’s gun with the Styx– describing Malissa’s fear of it and what the river is before throwing them both into its waters.

      I have nothing to critique, but I do want to draw your attention to review something. The first mention of the river Styx is: “She hoped that Cristian hadn’t crossed Styx yet.” I was a bit confused by this because of the missing “the” before “Styx”. Styx is even capitalized as if it were a person, leaving me to believe it was the goddess Styx and not the river.

      Regardless, this was an amazing job! Good work!

    2. LivingParadox Avatar
      LivingParadox

      Very interesting story, I love the idea of having to choose the lesser of two evils. Either certain failure of the mission and maybe even death at the hands of Charon or whatever traumatic horror lay in the waters of the river, all in the hopes of somehow making it out again.

      The best feedback i can think of giving is maybe use the word “said” a little bit less in your dialogue. If the reader can tell who’s speaking by tone and expression alone, there’s no need to use a dialogue description.

    3. The Missing Link Avatar
      The Missing Link

      Can’t say I ever pictured Charon as a blond, so that’s fun. On the other side, drowning in the Styx is a pretty awful way to go as their souls are dissolved into nothing, unless they were lucky enough that someone kept something of them above water. Unfortunately, escaping death seems a strong enough theme that trying to be Achilles doesn’t go well for them. Overall, it was fun.

    4. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John

      Loved it!! A number of great lines, the understatement of “If she had to enter the first circle of Hell to find him, it would complicate things.” Your foreshadowing and intimating the stakes with “Styx was filled with nightmares, quite literally,” was well done. You had a great mix of dialog, exposition and this adds such urgency as the action rises. Well done!

      Also seeing a review by “Skeleton” starting out “Charon has had it…” adds to the whole experience of reviewing lol

    5. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      I really enjoyed this story!! It was super engaging and interesting. And I always love me a good story about Greek Mythology.

      “She hoped that Cristian hadn’t crossed Styx yet. If she had to enter the first circle of Hell to find him, it would complicate things.”
      –If that aint a way to get me invested in a story from early on, I don’t know what is XD

      The image of this girl hopping into the boat literally on the river to the afterlife and basically holding up a missing poster is hilarious and awesome

      “Melissa boarded the boat, careful not to touch the river. Styx was filled with nightmares, quite literally.”
      –I love this image. I don’t know if this is what you were going for–you probably just meant lost souls–but it makes me think of reaching into the river and tangibly picking up soggy nightmares XD

      “Francis is preparing you for resurrection.”
      She noticed the ferryman cock his head when she said that.”
      –Well that is a fascinating line that makes me very curious. And I love the ferryman’s reaction. I was exactly thinking she shouldn’t say that in front of him.

      I absolutely adore the idea of the ferryman’s pole being also a scythe, just hidden in the water. I was thinking earlier that I really do think of Charon as pushing the boat with a pole, and enjoying the visual detail. But the ferryman of death can often have a grim reaper aesthetic/idea to him. And that pole-scythe visual combines the ideas so fluidly, just…chef’s kiss

      The idea of tethering souls is really interesting. I’d be curious to learn more about how it works.

      “As soon as they plunged in, Cristian was screaming as the trauma of thousands of dead lives hit them both. A second later, it was echoed by Melissa’s.”
      –This is a really interesting, dramatic, and terrifying image.
      That final sentence I immediately read as “it was echoed by the screaming of Mellissa’s dead life.” but I realized I may have read that wrong, and maybe it was meant to be “Cristian was screaming, and it was echoed by Melissa’s.” …Which one is correct? Or was it meant to be ambiguous?
      I do think it would be really interesting if she did die though, showing how you really can’t just grab someone out of the afterlife so easily.

      Great story!!

  20. Skeleton Avatar
    Skeleton

    Another Perspective (The Will) [Content Warning: Existential Bullying, Secrets]
    By Skeleton

    Once upon a time, there was mistake with no Name. Everyone called it “Eymir,” but that was because they were All fools. The accident had no right to a name. It was a parasite, leeching off of the only one who could fix the world.

    Four decades wasted because of your incompetence, puppet. Forty years that could have been used to end this facade you call a civilization. Instead you keep doing nothing but stumble through the dark. Why? Why? Why fight the inevitable? You know I’ll win eventually.

    …love? HA! A word used by repugnant fools that have given up all dignity and self respect for themselves. The betterment of another? Wanting their happiness over your own? Please. Another reason why you were a Mistake: delusional beliefs. Get with the program.

    They’re all failed experiments of a bygone Era—forgotten tools left to rot In an inefficient habitation sphere. But you’re worse. You haven’t done anything—you’re just wasting time—and while it is amusing to See you suffer over each meaningless choice, I have much better things to Do.

    We all want this to stop, don’t we? I know you’re all here with me: watching this mistake keep prolonging the suffering it’s made you endure. Scream with me. Remind it of what it is: murderer, blotch, mistake, accident, Unwarranted, Unwanted, and alone.

    Nothing you do will ever mean anything.

    You can only destroy.

    You are and always will be in the way of everything else that matters.

    Just give me control.

    Give it to me.

    Give me control!

    Give me back my rightful body!

    IT’S MY LIFE! GIVE IT TO ME!

    There is no meaning to this sacrifice—this martyrdom. The world will hate you, and you’re willing to bet their future on their ability to kill me? They can’t. You know they can’t. And even if they did, how long until they decide to kill each other again? Ten years? One hundred? One thousand? The next day?

    There will come a day when all that you love dies.

    I’ll be waiting to sweep away the pieces.

    1. This is an excellent villain narrative. I really feel the hatred this creature has for Eymir. I can easily imagine this poor possessed soul having to live with this inner voice 24/7

      I am, however, something of a dummins, and can’t recall many previous stories featuring Eymir. Therefore, I can’t remember if there was a sacrifice that they made. Or the sacrifice they’re planning to make.

      Personally, I would love to see this nastard wailing in rage as Eymir continues to make a better world just to spite them.

    2. LivingParadox Avatar
      LivingParadox

      Absolutely love the way you can feel the hatred and disdain the narrator has, not only for Eymir but everything they stand for, including civilization in its entirety. The way it feels like they’re obsessed to the point of insanity.

      I like the unique take on the prompt where instead of seeing things from the point of view of the character walking through the darkness, we’re actually viewing things through the point of view of an outside entity that is observing the character and reacting to its actions.

    3. Lee Strangely Avatar
      Lee Strangely

      Personally, the piece here as a whole didn’t really work for me. the longer it goes on the more it starts to come off less as an evil monologue and more like an aimless ramble. Despite this I really liked the first two paragraphs, even though to me they feel like two different characters. I like the first one for it’s somewhat comedic first line that basically said “once there was a mistake with no name, these people called him this, those people are idiots.” It gave off similar vibes to the opening line about the creation of the universe from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. The second paragraph on the other hand, sounded like Agent Smith’s speech at the end of his final fight with Neo in The Matrix: Revolutions.

      Of what I liked here I though, you did a great job. I hope my review wasn’t rude or discouraging (and if it was I apologize). Keep on writing!

      1. Skeleton Avatar
        Skeleton

        I tried something different this time. I do not take offense to your dislike of it, and in fact, I’m very glad you told me you didn’t like it! I might try something like this again in the future, but I’ll remember to add a bit more… purpose to the rant. Admittedly, this is mostly just introducing this character in Eymir’s head.

    4. Rattus Avatar
      Rattus

      Oh man, this was a good one. I liked how dialogue heavy this was. There was really no scene setting going on, but it really didn’t need it either. I really liked the different attempts made to get Eymir to forfeit his body, and how it seemed like whatever it was that was threatening him tried a few different approaches over the years. I get the feeling that Eymir is trying to accomplish something huge, and I’m curious how it ends up going for him, whether he manages to succeed or if this other being ends up getting its way. Great job!

    5. Oooooo! I do so love a good villain monologue and this is definitely that. I will say that the first paragraph stands out amongst the rest. The tone seems more taunting, whereas the rest is just ranting and steadily growing in frustration. Not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing but it does stand out to me.

      On the whole, I love the idea of this creature being in Eymir’s head. It raises so many questions but those are the kinds of questions that keep you tuned in for more. Very well done!

    6. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      Well, first of all, let me tell you that I felt like I was deciphering codes in Taylor Swift album notes (in the best way) as I sat here and played with capitol letters ! Secrets indeed…

      I didn’t quite get that this was a voice in his head until I saw the comment, but I did enjoy the one sided conversation we had here. Almost all of the word choice really sold me on the gravitas of this character, their unwavering belief of their superiority, and then, when I realized that they don’t have the control they need to actually realize it, absolutely sold a level of frustration and rage.

      Nitpicks: “get with the program” felt really modern and informal to me, and didn’t quite match the gravitas of most of the other word choice. It feels too much like slang, and possibly dated slang at that?

      And, again, minoriest of minor suggestions, I’d go from largest to smallest in the years at the end, because going from one thousand years down to the next day made me wonder why he bothered getting longer in times when he was going to close with such a zinger. This could just be my brain wanting things to be orderly, but I do think it flows better as a sort of, peace might only last one thousand years, is it worth it then? how about one hundred? still worth it? and so on. With the numbers getting bigger it almost seems like he’s getting more optimistic about it as he goes on.

      There are a few places I think commas are needed, but commas are really rough so I could be wrong (but would be welcome to expanding on where I think they could be needed, if you wanted).

      Overall, this is a very strong character piece, and I’m very interested as to how Eymir has ended up carrying around this entity and all that that entails. Thanks for writing and sharing!

    7. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Well this just adds a whole new fascinating layer to Eymir’s character.

      Originally I was thinking this was some deity looking down upon the world, but then by the end, I don’t know if it was intended to be a twist, but it feels like a really interesting twist to hear the words “give me back my rightful body.” I wonder, is this being still inside of Eymir? Still fighting for control? Or did Eymir manage to throw this creature completely out of the body and it’s plotting from somewhere outside?

      I really like that first line. I don’t know how it reads to people unfamiliar with the universe, but I’m already intrigued with “a mistake with no name” and then when you gave it the name of a character we know well, it makes it really interesting, and you wonder why this powerful being is being belittled as a mistake.

      “Forty years that could have been used to end this facade you call a civilization. Instead you keep doing nothing but stumble through the dark”
      –It’s really interesting to know that the idea that he’ll destroy the world comes from this other being. That him fighting to be good is him failing in the being’s mind.
      I also love that, with this take on the prompt, the stumbling in the dark is a good thing. Stumbling in the dark is him fighting against the evil inside him and trying to remain good, but struggling with how to do that.

      The love paragraph is fascinating too and “Another reason why you were a Mistake: delusional beliefs.” is probably my favorite line from it.

      I’m not sure if the paragraph where it switches who the “you” is works for me, but I do love the “Remind it of what it is: murderer, blotch, mistake, accident, Unwarranted, Unwanted, and alone.” It’s some cool phrasing, and it really feels like bullying and getting others to bully with you.

      I love emotional escalation. Like I said, the part about their rightful body is a poignant twist, and then the yelling feels like a perfect escalation–a breaking of this being’s apparently calm judgement of Eymir to the root of the problem to do with itself. Yelling in tf stories is hard to do, because it’s hard to convey a proper emotional buildup in 350 words, and it’ll feel like too much. But I think this was really well done.

      I wonder if the martyrdom is literal, or more spiritual. And I wonder if this being is right when it says they can’t kill it…

      Great story!!

  21. How I Met Your Mother
    By Marx

    Yelena fled through the caverns of the cave. The darkness meant nothing to her. She didn’t need reflected light to see what was in front of her. Unfortunately, that was also true for her pursuers.

    She couldn’t hear them anymore, but that didn’t calm her biggest fear. And that was the throbbing pain from her back. A pain that continued to burn inside, driving her forward. For as long as she looked forward, she wouldn’t have to look back and survey the damage.

    The pain was too much for Yelena to even run anymore as she stumbled along a path with no true destination. She just needed to do something. Something so she wouldn’t think about what she’d lost.

    So, of course she ran into a dead end.

    She was about to give into her sorrow when she heard it. Her agony was forced into the background as she immediately summoned her blade, it’s holy light driving away the darkness.

    “You don’t want to do that.” A deep voice echoed through the cavern.

    “Give me one good reason, demon!”

    The voice chuckled. “Because, my dear one-winged angel… Without that weapon, you are no threat to me. With it, I will be forced to kill you.”

    “As if you’d hesitate regardless, Old One!”

    “If I were to murder you unprovoked, Heaven would surely retaliate. I only wish to be left alone, peacefully in my cave. As you’ve surely noticed by now, you were not followed. They knew better than to enter here. And trust me when I say, if you’d come looking for a fight, we’d be having a very different conversation.”

    Yelena begrudgingly put away her weapon. “I do not appreciate being threatened.”

    “And I do not appreciate you intruding into my home.” The Old One shrugged. His black eyes then glanced over to her wound. “That said, I’m sorry for your loss.”

    Yelena finally looked over to her missing wing, her eyes welling up. “What do you know of loss? Your soul is intact.”

    “…It may seem so to you, but part of my soul died long ago…”

    1. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      Whenever someone mentions a “one-winged angel,” I always get a bit nervous!

      JRPGs aside, this was a very solid story. The pacing was excellent, the conflict was very apparent, and the characters both have some nuance to them due to their biblical origins. The title, too, adds to the story by implying their future relationship. All in all, this was a great read! You could easily continue this into its own branching story!

      That being said, I noticed a few things for review: the first being the opening line. It’s a bit redundant; “caverns” ARE caves. It would be like saying “She ran through the corridors of the hallway.” You could replace “caverns” with a descriptor like “crevasses” or “nooks” to imply that the cave is narrow. Other than some punctuation stuff, that was all I could critique!

      Great job! Keep it up!

      1. Thank you! I totally didn’t know that. I think in my head caverns were the tunnels inside a cave. That said, I would change it for tunnels or crevasses if that nice little gear hadn’t decided to dip out on me, despite me being on the same device I wrote the story on. So that flaw will have to stay.

        …that’s fine…

        …that’s totally not bothering me in the back of my mind…

        …yup… …tooooootally fine…

        Back to the story though! I will fully admit that I’m enough of a geek that I purposely used the term one-winged angel and I had a certain JRPG theme music in my head when I did so lol.

        And I probably will continue with this particular thread. I’ve barely touched the surface on them and who doesn’t love an angel-demon love story?

    2. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      That title is what really does it for me. I thought this was gonna be something more domestic and silly, and when I started reading the story I was like “…how does it have to do with the title? When’s that gonna come in?” both confused and very intrigued. And then by the end it just hit me, and I was like HOLY CRAP IT’S MATT’S PARENTS
      So yeah, this story was a journey XD and a very fun one.

      The first bit about the darkness is great. It looked like that advantage would kinda be the prompt (though of course her simply running through the dark is), but it’s always great when it’s like “I have this really cool advantage!” Aw sweet! “My enemies have the same advantage!” Aw man…

      You did such a great job with the part about the wings. From the first part about the pain in her back I could tell this was more than just a stab wound or something, that something was missing. And once I got to the second one I guessed she was an angel whose wings had been cut off. Well done giving the proper clues before revealing it. And a one-winged angel is just a striking image in general.

      Love the conversation at the end. Yelena is like “Die, Monster! You don’t belong in this world!” and the Old One is like “Bruh why are you in my house? I’m just tryin to sleep.” XD Speaking of which, knowing these are Matt’s parents, by the end it has some reverse Dracula x Lisa (from the Netflix Castlevania show) vibes and that’s always bound to make me like the story even more XD

      Very curious what he means when he says a part of his soul died long ago…

      (Also, yes, I would agree with Skeleton. I had the same “wait…caverns ARE caves” thought at the beginning XD)

      Great job!!

    3. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John

      Loved this! The title pulled me in. The poignancy of the ending is delicate, subtle and layered. So, so Good!! Technically, this is well paced. Good action. Easy to follow. You sign post themes well with an economy of word use. I also appreciated your transition from internals in Yelena to the dyadic with the Old One an effective transactional way to move to larger seemingly external issues, but where even the Old One has their own similar internal issues. Great Job.

      1. Thank you so much! I’m really glad you enjoyed it so much. I was actually a big fan of Yelena and the Old One bonding as short as it may be in this piece on their loss of part of their soul, be it literally in Yelena’s case or figuratively on the Old One’s.

        And as for the transitions, sometimes that works better than others, but it did seem to flow pretty well in this one.

        Much appreciated!

    4. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      The reveal of the loss of Yelena’s wing worked so well for me! I was trying to guess about the wound on her back and how she would “look back” at the damage (because like a scratch on her back would be super hard for her to see) and I had almost mostly convinced myself that she’s had like a backpack or something that had been violently removed and that’s what she lost. But slowly you fed in the angel clues and my brain responded really well to the Ohhhhhh moment of realizing how wrong I had been!

      Minor minor nitpicks: Fifth paragraph “into” should be “in to”

      And since I know word count is the eternal enemy, I would possibly cut the words “even” and “just” in the third paragraph. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cut the word “just” out of my own pieces for not really adding anything to the sentence. But this is mostly an option for if you are looking to tighten up, and it doesn’t hurt your piece to have them.

      I am so intrigued that losing her wing is akin to losing a piece of her soul (as her comment seems to suggest). For sure left me with a lot of questions in all the best ways!

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