Writing Group: The Fear of Sundown (PRIVATE)

Hello, Lygophobes and Crepuscular Beings!

That was a fun day wasn’t it? But it looks like the sun is starting to set. Did you bring a flashlight? Maybe we should turn around, because…

This week’s Writing Group prompt is:

The Fear of Sundown

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

The sunset is beautiful to most, but for some it is a time to be feared. Creatures of the night thrive after the sun goes down. Sundown is the curtain call for the night, the last chance you have to make it home. You could write a story about someone rushing home as fast as they can during sundown to avoid the monsters that come out at night. You could write about a monster hunter sworn to protect others during sundown. You could write about one of those monsters taking pleasure in people’s fear, or perhaps even afraid to come out themselves. 

Oftentimes, in stories where someone is forced to turn into a monster against their will, the transformation begins when the sun sets, which is a very fair reason to fear its departure. Someone might be cursed to become a monster every night, or at the full moon. You could write about the dread they feel as it approaches. Or perhaps you could write about their friends who have to make the choice between fearing the monster, and comforting their friend. Or maybe, like in Shrek, the princess herself is the monster…but maybe she has to learn that being a monster isn’t something to fear, but embrace. 

Or perhaps it’s not a repeated curse, but a devastating one that only happens once. Like Aurora, cursed to prick her finger before the sun sets on her sixteenth birthday and fall into a sleep like death. There are many more fairy-tale-esque stories whose curses must be broken before either sundown or sunrise, otherwise they’ll be permanent. You could write a story about a similar curse that’s prophesied to happen before the sun sets, or be permanent afterwards, causing fear and panic the closer the sun dips towards the horizon. 

In some stories, the sun setting doesn’t bring about a curse for a single person, nor is it simply a herald of night, but rather twilight is a dangerous time in and of itself. In the anime/manga Noragami, twilight is when the lines between the world of the dead and the land of the living are blurred, giving spirits greater power. Perhaps you could write a story about that, or something similar. What if the night is safe, but dusk is not? Is this something not many people know about, but still experience the effects of? Or do entire towns lock their doors during twilight? 

In The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, twilight is more than just a time. It’s a shadow that keeps spreading across the land, turning those under its influence into spirits and monsters. Perhaps your story could go in this direction.

Or maybe you’d like to go with something a little more real. Fear is the currency of the night during childhood. You could write about a child who fears sundown because of the night terrors that plague their sleep. They might fear it because they have to return to a less-than-ideal home life after school. Or maybe it’s sweeter and gentler than that; maybe the child is having so much fun at the fair, or a friend’s house, that they dread the sun setting because it means the fun will have to end.  

It could be more metaphorical. Sundown doesn’t have to be literally when the sun sets, but a metaphor for something ending. The last phase before the end. A last hurrah. It could quite simply be a symbol for death—the ultimate sundown, leading into the eternal night. 

Those tendrils blazing the horizon are shrinking, and the shadows that pull across the world might just swallow you whole.

Come on, kid, let’s head home.

—Kaylie

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

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Comments

56 responses to “Writing Group: The Fear of Sundown (PRIVATE)”

  1. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John) Avatar
    John Perceval Cain (oneeye John)

    Converts for our Eldest
    John Perceval Cain (oneeye John)

    Dressed in rich black clothing, cut in a high gothic style, they silently walked down the lane. At the first house they opened the gate of the picket fence, it’s white paint pristine. Entering in, they closed the gate behind themselves and mounted the stair to the porch. When they reached the door to the quaint suburban home they knocked firmly, but politely.

    The door opened, revealing an average middle-aged man in a polo shirt and golf shorts. “What do ya want?”

    They threw back the hooded cloak’s cowl revealing themselves as a woman. Her finely chiseled diamond shaped face and pale complexion contrasted against her black chin length hair and drew a gasp from the man as he opened the house’s door wider and started at her.

    “Hello!” She said deep and sultry. “My name is Ancillae Lidia Dragos, and I would like to share with you.” She held up an ancient looking tome with an ornately tooled dark leather cover and silver filigree closure. “This most phantastic book about our progenitor and Eldest.”

    The man stood transfixed by the woman’s tone and presence. He shook his head and looked Lidia up and down. “You’re a vampire?”

    “Yes,” she said, her penetrating gaze starting to enthrall, “we’re looking for converts, and this book gives the secret to eternal life.”

    The man shook his head again, before meeting her gaze. “But don’t you kill people and drink their blood?”

    “Superstitious folk stories.” Lidia held the book forward, a blood-red ruby in the center of the cover catching the man’s attention. “This book has so many awesome stories in it.”

    The man looked from the book to Lidia, her surveyed her, his eyes lingering on the pale flesh of her buxom bosom pushed up by the boned leather corset she wore. He stepped back opening the door wide.

    Lidia stepped forward to the threshold, looked deep into the man’s eyes and paused. “If you will but invite me in, I will show you how. I’m sure you won’t believe how much this will change your life.

  2. jesse fisher Avatar
    jesse fisher

    The Night
    By Jesse Fisher

    The child tilted its head as their parents began to lock the doors and block out the windows. Had they always done that? Was it something new?

    “Tgat.” The child vocalized making their parents look at them.

    The parents followed the pointed finger to the solid blinds and the repeated ‘tgat’ was all that the parents needed.

    One of them scooped up the child and carried it off to its room while the other finished up the lock down. It was almost the last light of the day. The last of the sane.

    —-

    “We interrupt the government imposed nocturnal lock down to bring you this information.” The well dressed man stated as the noise beyond that seemed dim. “A group of youths have stayed out once the last bit of light. What we feared has come to pass.”

    The parent looked at the television with a thing of fear. They had heard tell of how their kind are animals at night, but this was the first they heard of it happening via the news. They began to move to the child’s room to check on them both.

    “Grrrr.”

    Wait, did their partner not close the window? If so, that would mean…

    —-

    The panic room was the only safe place for the night as both partner and child clawed at the door behind them. Wanting to drowned out the noises of the world outside they turned on some music.

    The loud guitar rip was calming until the first lyric came to their ears.

    “I am a man who walks alone…”

    1. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John) Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John)

      Nicely done. Suspenseful, nice twist. Mixed world building in the descriptions. Dialog, exposition, description and hint of action all balanced well. I particularly like how you used the unsaid, to say what the risk was, leaving some to the imagination of the reader. I enjoyed this.

  3. The liberation of the Raven clans
    By Blinky

    Father Moss knelt below the stone sword of his god and prayed for her compassion. His enemies were fools but no less worthy of her grace than he or his brothers. They only sought to protect their people. The Raven kings rejected the emperor’s suffocating hand. He could find no blame in that.

    The cathedral doors slammed open, and five of his brothers stormed down the aisle. Their heavy boots and clinking weapons echoed across the nave and through the rafters. His brothers stopped just behind him, forming a loose semi-circle.

    “Pray with me, brothers.” Moss spoke to the men standing behind him. “Pray with me, Arman.”

    “Father,” his second, Arman, spoke. “Why do our brothers arm themselves?” His voice cradled his anger.

    “Because it is necessary,” Moss said plainly.

    Arman bristled at his simple response. “Necessary? Must I also kiss the feet of his arbiter? When did we become his hounds?”

    “I understand your frustration,” Moss said.

    “My frustration?” Arman threw his hands up in disbelief. “You understand only the orders you’ve been given.” Arman placed his hand on the hilt of the weapon at his hip. The leather creaked under his grip. “We follow only the word of our god, not that of the Archbishop. Call this off, Father. You know what you are about to do is wrong.”

    Moss bowed his head to offer Her his last prayers and stood. “I won’t.” He said and turned to face his brothers. “When sundown comes, we march on the keep alongside the imperial arbiter and his men. With or without you.”

    Arman drew his blade, and four followed his lead.

    “I prayed for you too, Arman. May she cherish you eternally.” Moss drew the blade at his hip.

    1. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      I so see this being a scene in a gothic medieval tv show. The flowing of the cloaks the sound design. The story was very well setup and just the flow is so good. I want a fight scene after this because dang it, so much drama.

      Love it so much and do not get the lack of likes on this one.

      1. I appreciate your words. It might have something to do with me posting in the middle of the night.

  4. MasaCur Avatar
    MasaCur

    Race Against Time
    By MasaCur

    Melissa watched Erykah writhe on the grass. She glanced up in the sky at the sun, feeling like she could actually see it creep across the sky, and wishing she could hold it back.

    A car pulled into the driveway in front of the house.

    A few seconds later, Ramona ran across the lawn, shopping bags in her hand. “I’ve got the sage!”

    “All five pounds?”

    Ramona nodded. “Measured it myself.” She looked down at Erykah, worry etched on her face.

    Melissa couldn’t help but look at her friend. The fungal growth had spread up her neck.

    “Is there anything else I can do to help?” Ramona asked.

    Melissa shook her head. “I need Clay and Francis to get back with the crushed shale before I can set up. And the others to come back with the other materials.”

    The one that worried her the most was the herbs she needed from her friends in Oakland. Ryan had the fastest car, so she sent him ahead to intercept them at Buttonwillow.

    She looked back up at the sun. “Maybe give Erykah another spritz. She may not be feeling it, but she’s probably cooking out here.”

    Had to be done, Melissa told herself. The sun was inhibiting the growth of the fungus, and keeping it from eating her brain.

    Ramona nodded and grabbed the garden hose, spraying the cold water on Erykah. As it hit her, Erykah’s thrashing calmed to mild twitching.

    Melissa’s phone rang. It was Ryan’s number.

    Melissa answered. “Hey Ryan, tell me good news.”

    There was a long pause. “I’m at Buttonwillow now, but your friends aren’t. There was an accident on the interstate, and they said they’ll be delayed. Maybe by an hour.” The fear in his voice was palpable. He sounded like he was crying.

    “Ryan, calm down. I’ll figure something out.” Melissa said, trying to keep her voice calm. This was a complication they didn’t need. The ritual needed time, and another hour could put them past sunset.

    She glanced at Ramona, still hosing down Erykah. “Ramona, is your helicopter license up to date?”

    1. Revisis Avatar
      Revisis

      Lovely! Nothing like reading an existencial horror story about evil brain eating mushroom before bed!

      I really like the tone of this story, its clearly set in the middle of the incident, with Melissa doing her damndest to both stay calm and enact a solution.
      Thinking about it now, I realize that in theory the helicopther could either be to get the interstate people from there to the garden, or put the mushroom person inside and take them to the interstate people.

      In any case, a great story masa! Im left bost curious how this started and how it may end!

      1. Cromillea Avatar
        Cromillea

        Me right now reading existential horror before bed lol

    2. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      I love the left turn the last line threw at me. It took a tense piece about waiting right into an action movie high stakes mission! I kinda adore that Melissa seems practical enough to send a car initially, but creative and adaptive enough to keep helicopter in her back pocket as an option, just in case things went sideways.

      I find this piece really interesting because there are a lot of characters in play, but I was never confused about who was where or what they were doing, which is always impressive in so few words.

      Also, that’s a hell of a first line. It sets up the tension well, because all they can currently do directly for her at the moment is watch her in her pain. Clearly there is a flurry of activity happening all for Erykah’s benefit, but its mostly off screen, and the characters who are with her can’t do much of anything as time continues to tick by.

      I’m sort of in awe at how little you actually mention the fungus or the impeding deadline, but still manage to create such a tense piece, mostly through your characters. Well done!

    3. Cromillea Avatar
      Cromillea

      This was great! The action and the scenes are so easy to see, while being very tense and dramatic. I see this story happening in the real world, with some fantastical elements at play, like a zombie fungus and magic rituals. The beats of action and dialogue are short, but descriptive. My mind sees the scene perfectly and I’m not confused at all. As Rose said, you manage your large cast of characters quite well.

      The scene makes me worried at the mention of more and more delays to helping Erykah. Help never seems to arrive soon enough! At the last line that tension is still there, but now I have hope. The helicopter trump card has been revealed, hopefully it will be enough.

    4. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      Oh the ticking clock is such a good trope, it adds drama to this so well. I could see some UV light helping but then again I don’t know the full context as magical based only sunlight would effect it. Really love the tension in this peace, I recall names from other stories but I know many of us have that universe in the writing group.

      Overall loved it and want to see more of this.

    5. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John) Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John)

      Well done. I bit many characters and names for such a short piece. But, there was a lot here. Crammed in lots of world building in a small place. Enjoyed the mix. Dialog and action moved it along well. Left it on a nice cliff hanger. I really want to turn the page to what’s next. The descriptions and exposition, clearly amp up the stakes before we get to the climax. Very enjoyable.

  5. VulpesRose Avatar
    VulpesRose

    A Desperate Retreat
    by VulpesRose

    The young soldier’s face pales when he’s assigned to escort a caravan through the Demon’s Wood. Too many men weren’t returning from the forest. Too many King’s Men.

    He believes the stories, about the thing, the beast, that lives in the woods. He believes the Dark One and his servant are lurking in the shadows, and while he doesn’t know what they want, he believes they’re dangerous.

    He doesn’t have to believe anymore. He’s seen it.

    Now, he’s running away from the remains of the caravan, hugging the treeline near the path to try to avoid getting lost as the light fades. His shoulder throbs, the wound made by man, not beast, and he can feel the blood trickling down off his fingers. It’s too much blood. He’s leaving a trail behind.

    He has to make it back before dark. He has to reach some kind of shelter before the sun sets. There’s no moon tonight. He’ll be helpless and lost. He doubts darkness will impair his enemy. The beast will find him.

    His breathing is getting heavier. It’s a warm summer evening, but he can feel the cold creeping into him. It’s hard to focus on where he’s going.

    The light is fading. The sun is sinking toward the horizon. Then he sees it, the spire from a castle tower, above the treeline. But it’s too small. Too far away.

    He isn’t going to make it.

    He stumbles back onto the path. He draws his sword with his off hand, but it feels heavy and wrong. He flings it weakly into the trees.

    He rips off the King’s badge from his cloak, curses the man, hurls it to the ground, and spits on it. He will not die wearing his mark.

    “Interesting.”

    The voice is sudden, but his reactions are slow, his vision barely holding focus. A young man stands behind him on the path. His hands are on his hips, and he’s smiling.

    The soldier has seen this man before, but, between the dim light and the blood loss, he doesn’t recognize the very man who stabbed him.

    1. Cromillea Avatar
      Cromillea

      A continuation of the story with the dark one? I like the added layers that not all men who serve the king do so favorably. This seemingly simple man is the beast that everyone fears. I wonder if he will spare this man after questioning his actions of discarding his kings brand.

      I also want to say that I like this step by step play of the night. Watching the soldier making progress as he runs out of time is a neat way to show time passing. The futility of his run to a distant goal rases the stakes a lot. He will probably die from losing blood if he is not helped.

    2. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      Intriguing.
      I wonder whether the Beast of the Woods ever existed, or whether it’s this man. Or even if the man that stabbed the poor young soldier is even a man. Perhaps he’s a demon in the shape of a man. There’s so many interesting questions about this story. Is the soldier’s denouncement of the King a denouncement of faith, the sin of an oath broken, something that may cost the soldier his soul? Why does the soldier even want to distance himself from the King? Will it even save him, or is it just a simple amusement to the man, before he finishes the job and kills the soldier.
      Great story, Vulpes.

    3. Adrian Solorio Avatar
      Adrian Solorio

      So, we have a soldier running for his life. Mortally wounded, he’s desperate to escape, but his chances are slim and he knows it. It’s not a man that’s after him, but something much more sinister, and although the story ends with him meeting the person/thing that wounded him, the question does remain about whether it was a person or some sort of super=natural being.

      I’ll give you three points of critique for consideration on a further rewrite:
      1. Give the soldier a name. This gives the reader a more immediate connection with the protagonist.
      2. I’d consider starting the story at the fourth paragraph, and adding in some of the previous paragraphs in as backstory throughout the rest of the story. The pacing is fast, and exposition can slow it down.
      3. I’d be a little more clear on whether the thing that wounded him was a man or a supernatural being.

      The pacing on this is great, and you have a lot of action taking place. The stakes are high and this gives us a sense of danger and urgency. Good job!

  6. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
    i-prefer-the-term-antihero

    [Removed]

    1. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      Well this is an interesting twist! Savion somehow split himself into multiple people, or went through some kind of reincarnation or rebirth. It’s interesting to see (some of) the aftermath of his lust for power. However, it is far more interesting for me to see that somethings don’t change: Savion seems to be as forceful as ever, choosing to stand between Lynai and the fairgrounds rather than just stopping and talking to her. It’s subtle, but it shows that he’s still a bit brutish–even if he doesn’t intend it in that way.

      The content is rather touching, too. Though the subtleties of the drawings and their emotional weight are lost on me, the themes of this small snippet of their lives is not lost on me. Scars on the body can heal, but emotional scars are fickle. While I don’t personally agree that making new, better memories can overwrite the trauma of the past, I do like that they decide to push past and try to live their lives to the best of their ability. Then again, if Lynai wanted to avoid any reminders of the old Savion, maybe she shouldn’t have gone on a date with his REINCARNATION, now, shouldn’t she? Regardless, I found their interactions to be sweet–but more friendly sweet than lover sweet, if that makes any sense.

      As for critiques, I have two. The first is one you’ve mentioned you have trouble with before: the single-line paragraphs. You’re aware of it, so I won’t go too deep into it, but it can mess with the pacing and there are several places where it does (in my opinion). The other is new and more pressing: the use of parentheses to indicate thought. I understand that the thought is an aside, but it clearly indicates one of Savion’s primary concerns/values/goals. As such, I think it should be without the parentheses, especially since the narration is clearly a free, indirect speech form of narration from Savion’s perspective. This is clear to me since you have narration lines like, “…Gross, huh?” which is a direct, internal comment on what Lynai says.

      Have I written basically a flash fiction of a review? Yes.

      Great as always! Keep up the good work!

    2. Alright, this piece ended up being a lot cuter than I was expecting. I’m curious if the capitalization of Dusk is because it’s an actual place, or just a stylistic choice.

      “You sound like me when I’m not fine.”

      I love this line so much. It’s such a great counter-argument.

      This piece was a lot of fun to read, and I like that Lynai still seems to have a bit of PTSD after her time with Savion. The emotions of human Savion reacting to this trauma was well done, I ended up feeling so bad for him. But I like that his humanity is showing more here, as he spends more and more time with Lynai.

      This was very well done, great job!

    3. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      Tag back!

      I really love this scene! There’s a lot of subtext and contextual nods, but it works in a vacuum as well.

      My only hiccup is this: does Lynai know she is with Savion in this moment? It seems like she doesn’t, but that feels a bit strange to me. It means there is context that we don’t really have and makes Savion seem a bit dirty for the trickery.

      Your dialogue is lovely here. No notes! Nothing to change.

      The parenthetical thought was a perfect beat for that reveal.

      Flawless!

    4. Adrian Solorio Avatar
      Adrian Solorio

      This feels like a continuation story revolving around a returning cast of characters. There’s a lot of history between these two, and it seems you’ve played with character duality with Savion. It’s like two separate people in the same body, but at some point or for some reason, Savion isn’t present at the moment. You also alluded to something with Lynai’s arm, whether it was a self-comforting gesture on her part or some sub-conscious reflexive action has me curious. Well done piece as usual!

    5. Ooooo, so much drama! This is done very well and big props on figuring out how to do this prompt in a world where time doesn’t move. I’m not sure how well it will translate to people who don’t know that aspect of the world but I think they’ll get the gist.

      As usual, with Savion and Lynai stories, it’s both adorable and yet tense because of that big lie between them. Especially in moments like these where Savion has to effectively help Lynai deal with her feelings about HIM.

      It took me a moment to get that line about Savion seeing the paintings before but never seeing them in color lol.

      But mostly I loved that even though it was a very human thing to do and he admitted as much, Savion saw that Lynai needed comforting and he comforted her. It made the ending that much more ‘Awww’ worthy, especially when you’re familiar with the character and know how much of this he’s winging.

      Great story!

  7. Adrian Solorio Avatar
    Adrian Solorio

    Safe for Tonight
    By Adrian Solorio

    The smell of approaching night seeped into the newfound shelter, creeping in through the many small holes and slits in the decaying walls, and settled heavily in the room. Charles worked in a frenzy filling the gaps, rushing to stop anymore air coming in, stuffing rags and loose papers into the holes, he worked with his brow knotted, and shining with sweat. If even one opening was left after nightfall, they would both be dead before morning.

    “Are you almost done yet, daddy?” From the furthest corner of the room Mikala watched her father with eyes as wide as saucers. “Mr. Teddy says we’re safe here.” She tightened her arms around the stuffed bear in her arms.

    “That’s about it, honey,” said Charles. “Mr. Teddy was right, we’re safe for tonight.” All holes covered, the corrosive smell seemed to lighten. Charles released a deep breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. His hands shook, and his vision was blurry. He felt light-headed, a bit drunk. “We’re alright, honey-bunny,” he said. “Everything’s alright. We’ll look for food in the morning.”

    “Will you tell us a story, now? About the before times? And mom?”

    “Sure,” he said. “Sure.” Outside the night-winds rattled the walls of the old building. Charles thought of The Three Little Pigs, but he knew Mikala wouldn’t like that kind of story. His hands trembled, and he hid them in his pockets. Mikala knew the signs as well as he did, and if she saw him shaking with the sickness, she would know he didn’t have much time left. “Sure thing, sweetie.”

    Charles closed his eyes and told his daughter about the before times: when the land was green, and the people would walk outside day and night. When birds flew and bees flitted among trees and flowers. The times before mother-nature’s death and revenge. Killed by her most destructive creation—humankind—nature’s revenge was biblical. He told Mikala about the times before this, before mother-nature’s death poisoned the earth with night-fumes. Air acidic and corrosive that cleansed the planet of remaining life.

    But soon, before he could finish, Mikala slept.

    1. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      I love the atmosphere you created here.

      I got very Fallout vibes, with humans wandering an unrecognizable wasteland hoping for shelter. Completely personal opinion: I almost wish we didn’t get an explanation of what had caused the destruction, and I wonder if those words could have been used for more of the father-daughter relationship instead. With the word count limit, I’m more interested in the world Charles is going to end up leaving his daughter in, in the challenges she will face than how the world ended up this way. Absolutely nothing wrong with your choices though, its still very strong, just throwing out some food for thought that you are more than welcome to ignore.

      The stakes are instantly recognizable in Charles’ frenzy to protect them, and I was so gutted at the realization that he’s already on his way out. I wonder if this is the beginning of Mikala’s story or the end. Can she survive alone in this hostile world? Or will her hope be lost along with her father?

      I really enjoyed this one, even though it kinda broke my heart a bit!

      1. Adrian Solorio Avatar
        Adrian Solorio

        I’ve never played Fallout, but I’ve seen screenshots and such so yeah, I can see that. That’s an intriguing suggestion. If I rewrite further, I’ll probably experiment with that. Thanks for the feedback!

  8. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
    RVMPLSTLTSKN

    The Dusk of Life
    By RVMPLSTLTSKN (The Saga of The Deep One’s Wake)

    Klajonas shriveled. Her flesh atrophie, locked deep within his temple. She felt the muscles in her wither away to almost nothing. While her hands, never quite clever, lacked the will to move, her mind moved quickly.

    She began to understand her predicament. She should have died in those days between meals. She knew this by the swell of her empty stomach and the clarity of mind freed of its body. Yet, she had already passed over the reaper’s threshold and stayed as his guest, only to be released. Even he would not keep her.

    She seized every opportunity to plant the seeds of her escape. Her jailers brought food and arguments, debated her simple experiences with high-minded apologetics. She answered them with stories and riddles, trying to reach past their thoughts and touch their souls’ desires. She told them that there was always help in the dark, always a quiet voice that would whisper answers and advice.

    It wasn’t enough and she began to fear the obscurity she found herself condemned to. She feared, most of all, that she would be tethered here. A household vengant in the bowels of the temple. Her future cut short and her legs withered so that she must crawl, even in death, clamoring at the barest level of ascension.

    She heard it clearly, lucidly, when the voice first called her.

    “Whisper in the dark, which way leads to safety?”

    Her mind laughed, but her tongue lacked such vitality. It would have broken the spell, she thought, but so would not answering.

    “What is the danger?”

    The replies drew her slowly away from her prison. She felt fresh air upon her brittle skin, tasted smoke and had her eyes assaulted by firelight. As she blinked away her tears, she saw how pathetic her savior truly was. A young man, alone, with a limp foot and crude crutch. He bled from a bruise in his side. He had fallen and broken several things.

    “You should go back to Tukminaluk,” she told him. “That’s the safest place for you.”

    “Who are you?” He was staring, aghast.

    “niekas.”

    1. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      Ooooh, I like the intrigue here, RVMPL! I may not be 100% familiar with The Saga of the Deep One’s Wake, but I know enough what “niekas” means, as well as a little about Klajonas. All in all, it’s a very clever prison escape, especially for one so close to the metaphorical sunset of her life. Overall, I liked this piece, RVMPL. Good job!

    2. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      This is fascinating, terrifying, intriguing, and confusing, all at the same time!! XD

      This is partially a critique, but because it’s the biggest part of the story, I’m going to start with it:

      Usually, when I run into something I don’t understand, I will feel either intrigued or confused…but this is a rare case when I feel both in equal measure XD

      So, here’s what I can guess at:
      “clamoring at the barest level of ascension.”– tells me that this isn’t her physical body on earth (or whatever their world is) but her god-body that has ascended. However, she hasn’t become the storyteller and killer everyone is seeking yet. This is very early on in her ascension, and she’s weak and susceptible to other gods.
      “Yet, she had already passed over the reaper’s threshold and stayed as his guest, only to be released. Even he would not keep her.” –I assume this references her visit to Charn? Is the fact that he wouldn’t keep her simply a sign of her ascending rather than truly dying? Or is it more than that?

      However, other than that I’m not sure what’s going on with her.
      I don’t think you’ve ever referenced the gods having physical bodies, or needing to eat before? Besides the uhh…stuff at Charn’s house. So muscle atrophy and hunger made me think she was trapped in her physical corpse on earth somehow. (Though maybe that’s just due to my preconceived notions of gods)
      “She should have died in those days between meals.”–Was especially confusing, because it implies that she died very recently, and it was from something other than that. But I also don’t really know what the line means even besides that…
      I also thought the swelling of the stomach was a reference to how that happens in corpses.
      But then it talks about her planting seeds of escape, and talking with jailers…which threw me a lot.

      But at the same time, I really liked your descriptions, especially of what’s physically happening to her, and was very intrigued at what exactly was going on with her and why, despite being confused by it.

      My favorite part of this piece is that you had some very tasty metaphorical language and literary devices, namely:

      “While her hands, never quite clever, lacked the will to move, her mind moved quickly”

      ” Yet, she had already passed over the reaper’s threshold and stayed as his guest,”

      “Her jailers brought food and arguments,”

      “Her mind laughed, but her tongue lacked such vitality.”

      “He had fallen and broken several things.”

      “She feared, most of all, that she would be tethered here. A household vengant in the bowels of the temple.” –was also a really interesting image.

      “Her future cut short and her legs withered so that she must crawl, even in death, clamoring at the barest level of ascension.”
      –This made me think of the ghost crawling on the floor in Crimson Peak…I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad comparison XD

      I like the idea of a savior pulling her out of this place with his words(?) but how he turns out to be even more pathetic. But that was also where I got even more confused. You said Klajonas couldn’t answer…yet she says “What is the danger?” a line later? I’m also not really sure what they’re talking about in general. Or how he saved her, why he’s important, and why she’s giving him advice on where to go when she doesn’t seem to know what’s safe herself….

      Anywho, I know I had a lot of critiques for this story, but I certainly enjoyed it, and would be curious to learn more!!

    3. I’m super into the idea of this dark god having to crawl her way back from obscurity. She’s broken and beaten and still fighting for power. The small seeds she plants bear fruit and she seizes the moment. Her “savior” isn’t much better off than her but through him she might reach a broader audience. Sick stuff.

  9. Cromillea Avatar
    Cromillea

    Soulfire (Dawn Collection)
    By Cromillea

    Over the years, Lucian had left many stone prayer tags to burden branches along the mountain, yet after the war, his wishes were buried among much more. In the clearings, groups of torches burned soulfire, connecting the living to their dead. Lucian looked for the ones marked Elena and Zoran.

    He found them burning blue and purple alongside their fallen comrades. He bowed before the flames and said, “my dearest friends, I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you. Each time I come up this mountain, I feel the weight of more souls pulling me back down. So many have died on my orders. I still hear them calling after every ceremony. Please tell those spirits that they don’t have to fight anymore, the Shadow Master is dead, I killed him.”

    To prove the feat, he laid the Shadow’s crown down before the torches. It was crushed and melted, which satisfied many soul flames. Some were extinguished and their smoke was carried away into the sunset. It got much darker, and Lucian hid himself in the middle of the remaining flames.

    “Those of us left still have to remind ourselves that the battle is over, but we can’t help fearing the dark,” he said.

    Elena and Zoran remained, burning brightly with anticipation. The dead had nothing left to fear; they were only waiting to hear about the daughter they left behind.

    “I have watched over Dawn, as promised,” Lucian assured them. “She’s been getting into a lot of scraps and she always yells at me, but I’m patient. I lost more than I could ever say, so I understand.”

    Gazing out on the sunset, Lucian musingly said, “the sun will rise another day as it always has and always will. I hold onto the belief that past her grief, a new life is waiting for us to share.”

    At twilight, he at last gathered his things and gave his farewells. “Thank you for your sacrifices,” he said. “Now all I ask is that you rest. Let there be peace in the dark.”

    And then there was darkness.

    1. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      Cromillea, this is so beautiful and yet so sad. I love the imagery. The fire IS their souls, and when the fires go out it means the souls are free to rest. I may not be as familiar with your Dawn Collection as other people in this group, but I would be glad to read more pieces set in this world. Overall, a wonderfully somber story, Cromillea. Great job!

    2. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      Lingering souls as wisps of flame is (I believe) a classic symbol in mythology. I like how you adapted the idea into your world, changing it so that each individual is represented by colour. Similarly, I really like seeing this more somber side of Lucian and what he has done to reach his current status. I additionally like the idea you used for the prompt: the fear of moving on to the afterlife–the sundown of one’s life. I think it was creative, and expertly executed!

      So I find myself confused as to why I still feel as if something’s missing. Perhaps it is because we read from Lucian’s viewpoint and not that of the souls themselves. The audience does not get to experience the fear of having to let go of everything a spirit has left behind in the material world. I feel as though that perception and experience of the regrets the spirits have would have elevated this more. Or, perhaps you could have turned the tables on Lucian himself and have a memento mori moment where he is reminded of his own mortality (or if he’s immortal, then a reminder that there are fates worse than death). Perhaps one of the flames refuse to die out? Someone he’s possibly wronged in the past with an undying hatred for him?

      Very well done! Keep it up!

      1. Cromillea Avatar
        Cromillea

        All very good ideas. I will keep this in mind for the larger work. I must get better at writing in this pov because I do believe, as you said, that there is much more for these characters to say.

        I was originally going to go with a momento mori spin, but it would be too hard to condense that into one prompt. As Lucian is a near immortal being, I would have to delve into more of his past and what it means for him to live or die.

    3. Adrian Solorio Avatar
      Adrian Solorio

      This was a sad, somber little story. Lucian is returning to his fallen comrades to deliver the news that he has ended the war and killed the big bad. Many of the soul flames extinguish, their souls finally at peace, but two remain. Those of his friends, Elena and Zoran. They remain because they want to hear about their daughter Dawn. This is what really matters to them. Thankfully, Lucian reassures them that she is alright and under his care.

      This was a good take on the prompt. It gave me some lonesome monk making his way to the mountaintop to commune with the spirits vibes. Well done!

    4. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      This is such a bittersweet story. Lucian, who finally had avenged his friends and vanquished the evil saying goodbye to his fallen comrades, raising a daughter they left behind. There’s so much loss in this story, so much trauma ingrained into the survivors, and yet, now that the Shadow Master is dead, there is also hope. I hope Lucian also finds peace in his life that he hopes his friends can find in death.
      Very well done, Cromillea.

    5. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      When I saw the prompt I was quite curious where in your world you would take us, as it seemed tailored well for your world. And of course, you didn’t disappoint!

      I love the image of the soul flames, burning on, their business still unfinished, perhaps afraid to pass on without answers. A tangible connection between the living and the dead, even if communication only seems to be able to go one way. The flames going out is such a wonderful representation of the processing of grief, and while it seems sad to think of your friend’s lights going out, it must also be immensely comforting to know that they are truly at peace.

      Your final line is so interesting, because in most other stories, that would be a very tense line with a decent amount of foreboding. And yet here, its comforting and peaceful.

      I always enjoy further glimpses into your characters. Great work as always!

  10. Glaceon373 Avatar
    Glaceon373

    Saturday Night (Students of the DiamondBridge Academy universe)
    by Carrie (Glaceon373)

    It was a Saturday evening.

    For most of the students of the DiamondBridge Academy—for most teenagers, really—it was a time for celebration. Maybe getting some extra sleep. Maybe getting none at all.

    But not for Callisto.

    She sat at her desk with her knees to her chin, one arm stretched forward, squeezing a pencil. In front of her rested a stupidly simple homework assignment that she just couldn’t seem to complete.

    All the math worksheets she’d put off that week, all the readings she’d never annotated, even permission forms now signed with forged signatures— they had all been completed and filed into her backpack.

    So why was one stupid physics assignment about to make her tear her hair out?

    It was just falling object calculations. She was good at those. She could even demonstrate them by dropping a flower pot, right now. Watch it shatter into a million pieces. Disappoint her younger sister for the millionth time along with it.

    “Not all of us can be calm, respectable child prodigies, Bianca…” Callisto growled.

    She checked the clock and her stomach sank.

    In less than an hour, the sun would set, and a full moon would rise. And Callisto would wake up tomorrow covered in mud or dirt or blood or guts or whatever it would be this time. And then her and Bianca would spend all day Sunday cleaning themselves up.

    It was a monthly tradition. Unavoidable.

    “Screw this,” she grumbled, shoving the half-finished homework in her backpack, blinking away frustrated tears.

    There were tricks to maintaining control during a full moon, she knew. Oh, she knew. Every single one, in fact. They never worked.

    This month’s pointless attempt was appetite suppressants. She popped a triple dose, then threw some painkillers down with it.

    She chucked her phone and her nice jacket onto her bed, ignoring the mountain of missed texts.

    “Bianca!” she called. “The sun’s gonna set!”

    “I’ve already locked everything!” her sister called back.

    “Good.” Callisto locked her bedroom door and snatched up a ring of car keys. “Let’s get far away from here.”

    1. Cromillea Avatar
      Cromillea

      I think this story reflects being a teenager in a fantastical way. Being overwhelmed by homework that is easy, yet takes too long to do is all very realistic. It’s nice to see into the daily life of the students like Callisto and how stress and expectations drive them.

      I like how the need to hide away during moody spells is greatly exaggerated in what I assume is an impending werewolf transformation. It’s a reflection of the inevitable pains and changes that come of teen life.

      I couldn’t help but see metaphors everywhere.

      Aside from the story within the story, I’ll say that you’ve done great with your descriptions again. In third person, they are still full of character voice. You narrate life very well through Callisto’s eyes.

      Overall this is a great post!

    2. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      I’m glad there was at least one story mentioning werewolves and/or vampires. It’s a classic symbol for unwanted change, usually highlighting a good side and a bad one. Although, it’s never actually said that Callisto is a werewolf–just heavily implied by the full moon comment and the appetite suppressors, which I like. I also like the fact that Callisto seems to be the archetypal “rebellious teenager” in the school if the line “All the math worksheets she’d put off that week, all the readings she’d never annotated, even permission forms now signed with forged signatures…” means anything. I like the idea of having to choose between the lesser of two evils, and the idea that despite the “rebellious teenager” persona, they genuinely care about leaving bodies in their wake.

      However, for me it reads as if Callisto doesn’t fear the full moon, but instead it’s a minor inconvenience to her. The fact that she’s murdered people in the past is ignored, and it seems as if this risk doesn’t mean much to her if the fact that she’s waited an hour before her transformation to do anything gives any indication. The line, “It was a monthly tradition. Unavoidable,” also implies that there is a sense of normality and lower stakes in this transformation, despite the previously implied loss of life. With such a focus on the physics problem and not the fact that she may KILL someone tonight, Callisto reads as someone with little to no empathy. Perhaps that was the goal, but then Callisto doesn’t really fear the full moon then, does she?

      Either way, I still enjoyed the read! Keep it up!

    3. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      Tag back!

      I’m a bit confused by why they will be covered in blood. I’m assuming they’re werewolves, but it isn’t explicitly stated—in the piece—as an urban fantasy world, so I guess the “tradition” could be anything.

      Your pacing is fantastic though! The character’s emotional state change feels natural and I very much empathize with stupid math homework.

      Good work!

  11. Murphy’s Law
    By Marx

    I hate the night.

    I’m not even safer during the day. But they all have such better eyesight than me. It’s so much worse when I can’t see them coming.

    “I… brought you food…”

    “Thank you, Nisha.” I force a smile as I accept the sandwich, trying not to freeze up at her voice.

    It doesn’t help.

    Nisha sees through the smile and frowns in response. “I… messed up again, didn’t I?”

    I shake my head. “No! This is good. It’s… cooked this time and everything.”

    “I got it from the grocery store you spoke of!”

    My eyes widen a bit. “Nisha… did you kill anyone getting me this…?”

    A grin forms on her beautiful face, but it’s too wide and momentarily breaks the illusion.

    I focus on my sandwich.

    “I only ate one person this time! And nobody else saw me!”

    I wince as Nisha looks at me, beaming with pride. It’s kinda cute. As long as… I don’t think about it too much. “You did… good…”

    Her smile fades again. “You’re upset… I really am trying my best… What can I do?”

    “I’m… just tired of being stuck all the way out here.”

    “You… want to go out again?” Nisha growls, her face contorting in her fury. “Okay, FINE! Let’s do that! You’ll leave here and they’ll find you just like last time! I’m just trying to protect you! Why am I the bad guy?! It’s not FAIR!”

    Stay calm.

    Don’t react.

    Breathe.

    God, I hate it when her human form breaks apart like this. She’s just… teeth. Rows and rows of teeth and eyes where there shouldn’t be eyes and tentacles and veiny flesh and appendages I don’t even want to try to figure out.

    All of Nisha’s eyes widen with realization as she rebuilds her illusion and hugs my leg. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do that!”

    I remind myself that without a protector, I’m dead or worse. I remind myself that Nisha killed my last protector. I remind myself that it could be worse.

    And I take another bite of my sandwich.

    1. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      I’m not sure if this is apart of a larger universe or not, but considering you did not mark it as such, I’m going to write as if this is its own contained piece.

      I think the idea of living in a world where you’re the prey and everyone else around you are the predators is interesting. It raises questions that the reader naturally want answered: who are “they” that have better eyesight? What is Nisha? Why does Nisha keep the protagonist around? How did the protagonist even wind up there in the first place? There is a lot of potential in this idea that I think could lead to a great world to write a story about.

      However, I feel as if this piece is a little all over the place. The story starts with the protagonist mentioning that he can’t go out at night because “they” all have better eyesight than him, hinting that they’ll see him before he sees “them”. From there, the story immediately cuts to Nisha and her trip to the supermarket, and additionally, all the trouble she causes. It makes it feel as if the prompt’s focus–those that lurk in the night hunting the protagonists–is merely an aside to Nisha and the protagonist. I feel that a stronger focus on the monsters outside would make more sense in this context, since it reads as if Nisha is there all the time.

      Another quick think I would like to point out is the sudden name change in the third-to-last paragraph. Nisha is suddenly Cassie without any prior context, so I assume this is just an oversight.

      I think you’ve got something good here, it just needs a bit more refining. You’ve got this!

      1. Lol yeah, this is technically still part of my usual universe, but it is a new story inside of it.

        That said, to answer your questions, Murphy(the protagonist) was born something of a demon magnet. He just has a very… unfortunate blend of incubus and human DNA that draws demons to him instead of humans, along with being human in every other sense. He grew up secluded but the moment he went into the public eye they kinda swarmed on him lol.

        Nisha is simply the current “winner”. There was just, in no way, the words to explain all this so I dropped you in the middle of it instead lol.

        But that said, with Nisha technically being one of the things in the dark that Murphy is scared of, I thought it tied everything together. Wasn’t sure how clear that came across. That’s why I put in that line of Nisha killing his previous protector.

        And thanks for the heads up on the Nisha/Cassie mix up! Was toying with different names in my head and that one slipped through. Went with Nisha since her name means “night” which adds another layer to the prompt lol.

        Thank you so much for the review!

    2. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      I really enjoyed this piece!

      The play between Nisha being a protector but also a killer, a helper but also almost a jailer was so well done. I love the conflict of the narrator’s nourishment coming at the price of another life, something that weights on them heavily, and yet, they have to eat it.

      The description of Nisha is just enough to get my imagination into full existential horror mode, without being bogged down in details. “She’s just…teeth” is a killer line and makes me cringe every time.

      You do a great job here of hinting at a larger story, without the lack of details making the reader feel untethered. I have no idea who “they” are or what happened “last time,” but I don’t need to to understand the weight of the problem facing the narrator. I’m super curious about those things, but I don’t feel lost without that knowledge in front of me. I think it strengthens the horror aspect actually, because its easy to be scared of what we don’t know.

      You’ve crafted such an atmospheric piece and it feels like we’re right on the edge with the narrator. Well done!

  12. Light Day
    By Gerrit (Rattus)

    Narine watched as the light slowly faded from the sky, the joyous blues giving way to reds and oranges that spelled the end of celebration. The festivities in the town square wound to an end, many of the younger and more vulnerable already back inside.

    The first night after Light Day was always the hardest. Being forced to spend a full day hidden away made the demons more voracious. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind that they would be out in full force tonight.

    But that wasn’t what she was afraid of. Not anymore.

    As a child, she had been taught to fear the First Dusk of the week. To make sure she was back inside long before the sun vanished behind the horizon.

    Now she found herself walking towards the sun, pack slung over her shoulder, Sunrender held loose in one hand. Night would come soon enough, and she intended to be far from the village when that happened.

    Narine felt the now familiar feeling stirring within her. It had been almost a month now since she had awakened. Her grasp on that half of herself was still tenuous at best, a mere illusion of control.

    Light Day was her only reprieve now. Once, it had been a time of joy, of peace from the monsters lurking outside the town. The smell of fresh baked bread wafting through the air. The sounds of revelry dancing across the wind. Frolicking in the town square with the very people who would now put her to the sword should they meet her on any other day.

    The sun was almost set now, her skin tingling in the last vestiges of light. She spared one last look over her shoulder, to the buildings shrinking along the horizon. To the town that was once her home, now only an occasional acquaintance.

    The next Light Day wasn’t so far away, she supposed.

    1. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      “Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster… for when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”

      I’ve always loved Nietzsche’s ideas, though I don’t necessarily agree with all of them. They’re a very useful starting point when reflecting on what it means to be human. It’s why I really like it when a character’s power comes from a monstrous source. You have made it abundantly clear that Narine’s “awakening” made her relate to monsters–and possibly turned her into one as well. I especially like the hint to this in her weapon’s name, “Sunrender.” I don’t know if it was supposed to be a pun on “surrender,” but I really like that reading because it says to me that she’s surrendering to her monstrous tenancies whenever she wields that weapon. This dichotomy between humanity and monstrosity is incredibly interesting because it can also be viewed as Narine’s loss of innocence. The change sometimes isn’t good, but it always comes. It is inevitable. Fear of it does nothing but hinder the choice of what change you want in your life, or how to handle the change thrown at you.

      Your stories are a treat. Keep it up!

    2. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      As I said earlier, I totally forgot this prompt actually lends itself very well to this universe XD I certainly enjoyed seeing how well it applied!!

      The image of the sunset at the beginning is very pretty and grounding. And the idea that the demons would be more voracious makes a lot of sense, and works well for the prompt.

      “But that wasn’t what she was afraid of. Not anymore.
      As a child, she had been taught to fear the First Dusk of the week. To make sure she was back inside long before the sun vanished behind the horizon.”
      –This is really intriguing. Because I don’t think you ever really tell us what she’s afraid of now. It’s interesting that she was told as a kid to fear it, and now she’s walking straight into it. I like it.
      I wonder why she specifically wants to be was far away from the village as possible? To keep them safe maybe? But it seems like she’s going to do something more dangerous than just fight demons.

      Also, she has a sword called Sunrender? That’s a metal as hell name, I love it. It feels like it has greater importance in this world though, though I’m not entirely sure what it is. You’d think it’d be called “Nightrender”…the fact that it “rends” the thing they all so desperately want to come back is intriguing…

      “Narine felt the now familiar feeling stirring within her. It had been almost a month now since she had awakened. Her grasp on that half of herself was still tenuous at best, a mere illusion of control.”
      –WELL THAT’S NEW AND INTRIGUING
      I’m curious if this means she herself was put into a sleep of some sort, and woke up recently, or if there’s some other spirit or being inside her that only woke up, or joined her consciousness, recently. Either way, it seems to say she’s more than just a normal girl…
      Not only that, the townspeople want to put her to the sword on any day that’s not Light Day…I very much wonder why.
      Also, I wonder if it being her only reprieve means that part of herself stays dormant during the Light Day?
      My only guess right now is she’s part demon herself somehow.

      It’s also interesting and sad they can’t even live their lives normally on any other day besides light day–I would have thought they’d still bake bread and stuff.

      “To the town that was once her home, now only an occasional acquaintance.”
      –I like this image

      It’s very interesting the story ends on a more hopeful note. I expected it to end on a determination-and-vengeance note, as her stories usually do XD

      Very good job!!

  13. Skeleton Avatar
    Skeleton

    Death is a Mercy (The Will)
    By Skeleton

    The campfire hissed venomously as it extinguished.

    Skore knew camping out in the woods of Fel Kass was a needlessly dangerous endeavour—they called them the “Woods of Death” for a reason! And now they were stuck in the middle of a cursed forest without any light, the snapping of branches around the three of them!

    “Y-Yaskjer?” the terrified wulack mercenary whimpered as he backed closer and closer towards the embers. “Where a-are y—?”

    Yaskjer’s scream ruptured the darkness beside him, stopping Skore’s heart. The thump of his brother’s body hitting the ground was quickly followed by his cries being smothered by distance.

    Another panicked scream rang out—Haval’s—as he, too, was dragged away into the darkness at unnatural speeds. Was the forest itself taking them?! Was it the tortured souls of the Kine family?!

    The last mercenary stumbled over his traveling pack and lost his sword to the cold, thick air. Skore quickly fell to his paws and knees, massaging the needle-bed of grass for his soft sabre. Instead, his paw touched something cold and wet.

    Skore’s screams permeated the entire forest when it touched back.

    It snatched his arm into the ground like they had been camping in a bog this entire time. When the other arm supporting his efforts to pull free began to be consumed by the black tar, despair set in. When his legs sunk beneath the surface and he felt the hands of the dead pulling him under, he knew it was already over for him.

    Sacrificing his last bit of hope, Skore pulled with all his might to free his arms, but to no avail.

    He would die on his paws and knees like the dog he was, knowing he would never see the sunrise again. All the mistakes of his life left to stain the memories that flashed before his eyes. The regret washed over him. He realized he didn’t want to die.

    And then it stopped.

    The tar returned to soil and Skore was left with just his head above the ground.

    It was silent—then he heard boots.

    The Sufferer approached.

    1. Revisis Avatar
      Revisis

      Now this reads like the prologe setting up a big evil thing for a book.

      The focussed POV, with the entire situation rapidly going from bad to worse, especially with out POV-character evidently about to bite the grass.

      There is alot of worldbuilding hits placed into the story, like the Kine Family being related to the harmfull magic of the forrest, or the final name drop of the Suffere.

      I am curious if our POV-Char is a Dog person! Given you used paw instead of hand and he called himself a dog.

      Great Story Skelle!

    2. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Oooh, this is a really interesting one!! I do agree with Revisis, this does seem like a neat prologue-type-scene!!

      “The campfire hissed venomously as it extinguished.”
      –I especially love the addition of “venomously” here. Hissed is often used in this situation, but venomously draws to mind a truly snakelike image, like the fire that was once their friend is against them.

      I was able to guess with avonis, but I don’t know about wulack. Other than the paw descriptions which, yes, seemed very doglike.

      “Yaskjer’s scream ruptured the darkness beside him”
      –I love the word “ruptured” in this sentence so much. I’ve heard “rent” “tore” and the like, but ruptured is more unique and vivid.

      I don’t know if this was intentional, but it also works well that you saved the information that he’s his brother. They just seem like friends or comrades, but revealing he’s his brother at the moment of death, at the callous “thud,” makes you feel for him more.

      “massaging the needle-bed of grass for his soft sabre. Instead, his paw touched something cold and wet.”
      –Amazing grounding. I can almost feel all of this on my hand.

      “Skore’s screams permeated the entire forest when it touched back.”
      –We know something bad is gonna happen, but those last four words still manage to be shocking and freaky and powerful.

      I also like the black tar description, plus “his legs sunk beneath the surface and he felt the hands of the dead pulling him under.” this is all so vivid and fascinating. I can really imagine this inky pool with the blackened hands of the dead clutching at him and pulling him under. Also reminds me a bit of Bendy and the Ink Machine.

      The sunrise line is particularly interesting considering the prompt. It’s almost like the sundown of the story is keeping him from seeing the sunrise.
      I assume the death in this story was meant to be the sundown?

      “All the mistakes of his life left to stain the memories”
      –Another great image.

      I love that last line!! I don’t know how it would come across for new readers, but it was definitely a shocking and awesome twist for me. I was fully expecting Skore to die, and then to have him not only be rescued, but Eymir, the Sufferer, be the one to do it was fantastic.
      Though…considering the title, I do wonder if Eymir will ultimately do something *worse* to him…

      My critique is a bit of a personal preference thing, so take it with a grain of salt, but, for me, exclamation points usually detract when they’re within narration. For me they tend to make lines seem…melodramatic, I guess would be the word? When those lines are properly and wonderfully dramatic with just periods.

      P.S. Is Yaskjer pronounced like Jaskier in the Witcher?

      Great job!!

    3. This is an amazing story! You had some very good descriptions and word choice that did such a good job of painting this horrible scene for the reader. It was incredibly vivid, which is always a good thing.

      I do agree with Anti that I don’t think the exclamation points in the beginning are necessary, but on the whole it doesn’t take away from how good everything else is.

      That image of being pulled into the ground like it was tar just for the ground to solidify so that only his head is above it is equally as intriguing as it is horrifying. It could come across as being saved or that it was just a purposeful way of making Skore immobile. Who needs rope when you can use the ground?

      Though when you get to that last line, I am not liking Skore’s chances of this ending well for him.

      Awesome take on the prompt!

    4. Man, that first line is so good. It really got me hooked to read the rest of this piece. The entire atmosphere of this piece was good, and the tension carried nicely through the piece. I’m curious what this thing is that was pulling them into the ground, whether it was a sentient being of its own right, or an ability/aspect of something greater. But I really want to know what The Sufferer is. I’m assuming he’s there to finish the job and kill Skore, but I could easily see him up to something more nefarious. This definitely sounds like the beginning of a much darker story, and if that’s true, I’d be interested to read more and see how it all unfolds.

  14. Revisis Avatar
    Revisis

    A new Type of Night
    by Exce, edited by Luna

    Above them stretched a newborn blue sky. The rejuvenated sea was lapping at the white beach, and a breeze rustled their hair like the first intake of air out of the womb.

    The four gods had performed their most holy of duties: reforming the emptiness of shape into a new planet filled with life one last time.

    They let go of each other’s hands, the sand around them having crystallized into a spiraling pillar high into the sky. As the three gods of Morning, Dusk and Noon turned to congratulate each other, the fourth stepped forward. Sparks of creation still shimmered in her silver eyes. The Queen of Night spread her arms before looking up the hollow center of the pillar as if in supplication.

    She had asked each of her siblings for their concession, a freehand to create her own realm in this last world.
    Now the Queen grasped those sparks, fanning them into flames one last time.

    Her cloak fluttered upwards, spreading outwards like a slice of deepest night, then it wrapped around her body, and a beam of pure darkness shot upwards, leaving the pillar in a heartbeat before piercing the sky itself.

    “My dear siblings. I do not begrudge you your place in the sun. But I demand equality. You can have this planet, an oasis of life. And I will make my own of the night and death.” Her voice came clearly, despite the wall of black between them.

    The sunlight began to fade. From where the stream kissed the sky, a dot of darkness began to spread. Greater and greater it grew, above the clouds far above the fetal planet.
    Slowly the sunlight of noon began to cease, growing thick and orange before being wholly covered.

    Finally, an untimely night reigned across the whole of the world as an enormous black razed planet had been placed between it and the sun.

    “A planet of death, a month of night. They shall be my realm and home, as LumenOrbis shall be yours.”

    With that, flow and the queen within vanished into the enormous planet above.

    1. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      This was a fantastic piece! The idea of using this prompt for a creation myth is incredibly unique, and your execution of the idea was flawless! The first paragraph really evokes the imagery of birth and creation, and immediately gave the piece an otherworldly feel to it. I also find it incredibly fascinating that you chose to have an unbalanced pantheon: you openly show the three gods congratulating each other, but they scorn the night. Perhaps this goddess of the night is more powerful than her collaborators? I mean, she even pulled a fast one on them by creating a damn planet to block the sunlight for one month!

      The only thing I could bring to your attention for review is a minor editorial note: the fourth paragraph as an extra “enter” input between the lines, making them their own paragraphs without the gap. I dunno if you want the gap there, or if those lines are supposed to be together in the same paragraph, but it might be best to give that a look to see if it’s how you want it.

      Magnificent work! Keep your head up, my bony brother!

    2. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      Oooh, LuminOrbis creation story. I love the way that you show the gods of the day creating their world and congratulating each other, just to have the Queen of Night take over and throw everything into a disarray. If there’s a month of night, does that mean the day takes just as long, or is there just a period of darkness that takes over, regardless of the planet’s movement? I’ve been aware of LuminOrbis for a bit, but I never got all the details It’s a very intriguing place.
      Anyway, very much enjoyed the story, Exce.

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