Writing Group: A Reward You Will Regret (PRIVATE)

Hello, Monkey’s Paws and White Elephants!

You sure you want that prize? I know it looks shiny, but you might want to think twice before going after it, because…

This week’s Writing Group prompt is:

A Reward You Will Regret

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

Rewards are almost always good things. It’s in the name, right? The trophy, the prize at the end of the race, or for doing a good deed. But what happens when it’s not everything it’s cracked up to be? 

Maybe a mad sorcerer seeks immortality, only to find that they’ve lost the life they could have lived in the process. Maybe a pop star, after reaching the top, realizes they hate being famous. Maybe someone goes out partying, as a reward for getting a promotion…only to regret it when the hangover comes in the morning.

It could be more literal than that. Maybe a character wins a trophy, only to find it’s cheap plastic. Or maybe they learn that the trophy is cursed.  

Genies are a perfect example of this prompt. Being able to wish for anything you could possibly want sounds like an incredible reward, but, the vast majority of the time, those wishes end up leading to immense regret. 

Revenge is another good use of this prompt. While plotting in anger, the cold dish of revenge seems like a tasty reward, but more often than not it comes with a side of regret.

This prompt has a lot to do with cost—on both sides. Sometimes rewards come with sacrifices, or exchanges. You’re offered everything you want…but for a price. The cost may be mentioned first, or you may only realize it cost you once it’s too late to get your old life back. Is the reward really worth it? 

Like when King Arthur chooses Guinevere. He is warned up front this is a bad choice, but the reward is too alluring for him to listen. Or like Oedipus, who gets the reward of marrying the queen…only to later realize it’s his own mother. 

Sometimes a character can be so focused on a mission or goal that they lose sight of what they were originally fighting for. Like Anakin in the Star Wars Prequels, or Rumplestiltskin in Once Upon a Time. Anakin goes to the Dark Side in order to save Padme’s life, and Rumplestiltskin becomes the Dark One to save his son, but they both end up becoming monsters in their loved ones’ eyes, losing the reward in the process of pursuing it. 

(Speaking of the Star Wars Prequels…) You could write about how one character saves another’s life, and the second character decides they owe a life debt. But…it turns out they’re really annoying, and the first character regrets saving them. 

Perhaps, rather than the life debt of another human being, someone receives an animal as a prize. Perhaps a child, who has been asking for a puppy, gets one as a reward for good grades in school…only to realize that their parents are right; they can’t take good care of it. 

Maybe you could write about a kid (or any character really) getting a cake, or a bunch of candy from trick-or-treating, or some other big food as a reward, but getting sick from eating it all at once. 

You could write about a villain tricking a child into a terrible situation with a reward they don’t understand. Like someone in a nondescript, white van offering candy to children. It might look like a reward to the child…but they will ultimately regret trusting this person. 

The quintessential “the real treasure was the friends we made along the way!” could play into this too. What happens to the person who didn’t learn that lesson? Who pursues the original goal, no matter the cost? Perhaps one character of the party realizes that their friends were more important than the treasure too late, and regrets leaving their friends to pursue the original treasure. 

Remember, kids, read the smallprint, use protection, and don’t snort that fairy dust!

—Kaylie

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

Tune into the stream this Saturday at 3:00pm CST to see if you made the cut!

The whole purpose of this is to show off the creativity of the community, while also helping each other to become better writers. Lean into that spirit! Get ready not just to share what you’ve got, but to give back to the other writers here as well.

Rules and Guidelines

We read at least four stories during each stream, two of which come from the public post, and two of which come from the much smaller private post. Submissions are randomly selected by a bot, but likes on your post will improve your chances of selection, so be sure to share your submission on social media!

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    1. Keep submissions “safe-for-work”; be sparing with sexuality, violence, and profanity.
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Comments

64 responses to “Writing Group: A Reward You Will Regret (PRIVATE)”

  1. VulpesRose Avatar
    VulpesRose

    Take the Money and Run
    by VulpesRose

    The first thing I noticed as I awoke was that, while the ropes binding me had not been expertly tied, my captor had compensated by using a lot of them. I could likely wiggle out of most of the knots, that is, if I had been able to move much at all. It was inelegant but surprisingly effective.

    My captor was sitting nearby, watching me. She was probably no older than fifteen, and while I was not thrilled to have been captured, I was certainly impressed that she had accomplished it.

    “I know who you are.” Her voice was low but steady. I wondered how many times she had practiced saying that before I woke. “There’s a bounty on you.”

    I shrugged as much as the glut of ropes would allow. “You lead one little uprising against a corrupt government and suddenly you’re a wanted man.”

    She muttered something that sounded like, “You should have done better.”

    Then she stood and frowned. “I’m sorry, but I’m turning you in, in exchange for my mother.”

    A chill ran down my spine. “Your mother is a prisoner of the King?”

    The girl looked away but nodded. “She’s been in Blackgate for three years.”

    “Well then,” I said, as plainly as I could, “you’d be much better off asking for the money.”

    “The charges against her were false!” Her eyes were back on me, anger bubbling up behind her tears.

    “Oh, I’m sure they were. But if she’s been in Blackgate, then your mother is gone. They would, of course, release whatever abomination remains in her place, but if you were to bring a monster like that home, I fear you would regret it.”

    Something inside of her, some secret resolve, seemed to crumble. It pained me to strip the last of her hope. When she spoke again, her voice was weak. “You’re just trying to trick me. To let you go.”

    “I’d greatly prefer that, yes, but if you must turn me in, I beg you to take the money and get as far from this kingdom as you possibly can.”

  2. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
    RVMPLSTLTSKN

    The Wanderer’s Regrettable Choice
    By RVMPLSTLTSKN (The Saga of Them Deep One’s Wake)

    The Wanderer came to a town where no one had a shadow. These were the people who were welcome nowhere and hated by their fellow men for only one reason: they had no shadow.

    The Wanderer, in keeping to himself, had never paid much attention to his own shadow. It was a thing which tailed him, dogged his heels, or vanished altogether in gloom. It was mundane in the extreme. A thing so commonplace, even its absence went unnoticed. Until he met a woman with no shadow.

    The Wanderer came to call her ‘My Everlove,’ but her name was Squalor and Gnashing Teeth. He walked with her until they came to the place her people belonged, were sent.

    They spoke of many things and of no one, niekas. She said he walked like one accustomed to it, admiring his legs. The Wanderer said she had hair dark as night, and she wept silently, but let him see. After that, they walked only in gloom.

    The place with no shadows was cavernous and echoing. It was natural and not, built and never made. It existed only when observed, a parody of the one thing it lacked. It was a place of presence, of unchanging existence. A point in time immovable and yet wandered through.

    It was a place the Wanderer was unwelcome, For the Wanderer had not one shadow, but two. At the border, they stood and knew they must part. Neither wanted to. The Wanderer offered her freedom to wander, the world and a place in it. She offered him love and a place to stay. No one offered them nothing, but whispered quietly his own words, a promise.

    niekas.

    The Wanderer offered her a shadow and she rejected it and offered him her legs. In the end of that timeless moment, the Wanderer left behind his shadows and wandered no more. A little death, and his only legacy. The Wanderer is no longer the Wanderer and there are no more tales of him.

  3. jesse fisher Avatar
    jesse fisher

    Huff..Huff
    By Jesse Fisher

    Huff…huff

    The light was blinding him in his unprotected eye. His other eye read out the message on the inside of his helmet.

    WINNER

    Huff…huff

    He won…where was the joy, where was the thrill of it all. Where was the self gratification?

    The hollowness of it all fell on him. How many people died at his hands? How many were in this contest or just civilians that wandered into this?

    No he could just recall all the armor people he fought, then he recalled that some of the people came here to be selfless.

    And he was the one that was the end cause for all their deaths, if not directly killing them. Then it was not killing those killers.

    Huff…huff

    This was a journey that changed him from a careless punk to an empathic person. Something so cruel was done to him. His humanity led to this, this pain.

    Huff…huff

    His heart was slowing down, and his lungs felt like they were just now filling with the foul air around him. There could not have been more than ten left. He counted his kills just to stay alive, but now it was just him and the bodies on the floor.

    Clap…clap…clap

    “Very good, very good.” A well dressed…would man be the right word for it.

    This was the one who said it would give the winner their heart’s desire. Now what would it be for a broken man.

    “You said I would get my reward after this is done. So give it to me.” The man yelled at the well dressed being.

    “Of course, the reward.”

    SNAP

    1. Lol that ending. I kinda love it and not just because I’m a bit of a sucker for death games. That being said, I do love how it’s only after the narrator wins that they can slow down enough to take in the morality of their actions.

      I was also a big fan of them catching their breath for most the story as that adds and extra sense of realism to what I’d assume was a brutal last battle.

      Which of course leads to the end where I have to assume the reward is death. The narrator served their purpose as I’m sure it is with most death games… They exist for someone else’s entertainment.

      And the sudden nature just hits you even harder. Great story!

  4. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
    i-prefer-the-term-antihero

    [Removed]

    1. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      I never questioned Savion’s “wolfish” nature until now. The wolf is usually a go to symbol for those alone, but when you analyze the behavior of wolves, they’re an incredibly social group. Because of this, I find that this piece really highlights Savion as an outlier in regards to his peers, and I think that fits wonderfully with the wolf-like nature of his being. In this piece, it’s made clear that Savion is an Omega–someone removed from the pack–and I think that using the driving force of Lestair (and by extension, his pack) moving on without him is great symbolism. Savion’s desires for power are not what others value, and it’s interesting to hint that they’re not Savion’s real desires at all. It makes me wonder what event lead Savion to desire power above all else. Additionally, this piece makes me wonder what the true nature of Savion’s benefactor is. Before, the demon seemed malicious, but now it seems neutral–maybe even friendly with Savion. The complex character relationships here make me want to know more!

      Some editorial notes: I’m actually quite impressed that you did the correct format for multiple paragraphs of dialogue! Not many people leave out the ending quotation mark, opting to just close off the paragraph because they think it’s safer! The only thing I see that I would look at again is the ending paragraph–specifically the beginning. ““Victor’s involved.” He chuckled.” Typically, that ending period in the dialogue would be a comma, and the “He” would be lowercase to end the dialogue neatly.

      As usual, your work is impeccable! Keep it up!

    2. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John) Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John)

      Not ugly… but as it is supposed to be! Nice twist on a reward you will regret. Pessimistic to the point of nihilism, where all choices in life results in regret; versus a transcendent view that there is always meaning, just whether we find it now as we are or later when we become something different. After a few of these, Victor seems to have a prime place in the world and touches most everything. Technically, paced well, moves along with exposition and description, moving to a nice tête-à-tête dialog exchange and finally into the big paragraph. I don’t find this confusing. Deep, poignant, revealing the pain of really living. But not confusing. Nice job.

    3. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      The double edged sword. Which of the two evils is the lesser? Would Savion choose a life of loneliness, or live with his friends as something he detests? I don’t envy him his decision. The fact that he’s already suffering, and moreover, that Lestair is genuinely happy as a human, with or without Savion seems to make it worse. This is a very excellent examination of a choice with no truly positive result, Antihero.

    4. MelodyLuna7 Avatar
      MelodyLuna7

      I really like the facet you explored for this prompt! Being faced with a choice that you will regret, no matter which way you go, it’s just a matter of which regret are you more willing to live with. It is really interesting and sets the groundwork for some really good character conflict.

      I did find myself confused, as I’m not as familiar with this world/story as I would like to be, but after we chatted, it really helped me to understand the context and perspective of this piece!

    5. Oh man, this is a good one! I really like the way Kairos is portrayed here, I feel like I got a good sense of their character just from the little bit of dialogue in this piece.

      It’s interesting seeing the internal debate Savion is having about whether or not to become human, and Kairos not just saying ‘oh you’ll love it let’s do it’. He’s actually being honest about the fact that it might not be a good time, but it’s a lot better than the life he’s living now.

      I especially liked the ‘Victor’s involved’ bit, that made me smile. This was a great piece, well done!

    6. Heh, awfully big adventure, eh? I see what you did there. This is the most I think I’ve seen of Kairos short of being mentioned. It is interesting seeing him lay everything out for Savion.

      I think my favorite aspect is the brutal honesty of, you can be miserable as a wolf alone or miserable as a human with your loved ones. Both are going to suck for you but one is clearly the better of the two choices.

      You did a great job of putting a lot of character and information into such few words. You get a good idea of Savion’s dilemma. As to why this choice is so horrible for him and that pulls you right into it.

      Great take on the prompt!

  5. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John) Avatar
    John Perceval Cain (oneeye John)

    The Adventures of Ellettricia
    John Perceval Cain (oneeye John)

    Elle bent and placed the bouquet on the headstone. Her mother, Giovanna, had died 10 years ago. She had been in her seventies, but was still doing well, until the massive stroke took her.

    “Momma G, I miss you so much.”

    Elle had started out as an android. Gia, an out of work, electrical engineer, who was let go during the mass layoffs following earth’s First Contact War, had built her. Gia had never married and so wanted children. She built Elle as a companion.

    “It’s been hard, so hard, without you these past years.”

    Gia was better with robotics than AI programing, and as a result, Elle had been unruly and difficult to the point of mischievousness. Gia was so exasperated that she installed a secondary logic unit in Elle to function as a ghost conscience. While this helped, it didn’t prevent Elle from living through a series of transformative experiences.

    “You treated me so good.”

    One time, Elle had run away. She had joined a gang. Their boss had installed a restraining bolt and forced her to serve as a translator and protocol assistant. Net Security agents had raided the boss’s hideout and liberated Elle. It seemed she had learned her lesson.

    “And all for what?”

    On her way home to Gia, Elle was enticed to run off to the Pleasure Zone, where androids and AIs can exist without interference and there are no external restraints on their programming. But it turned out to be another trap. An artificial neural machine was capturing and incorporating tech to grow into an entity capable of becoming humankind’s overlord.

    “My sacrifice, for existence, for human life?”

    Gia had hunted Elle down and found her. Together, they had attempted to escape; the machine had attempted to end Gia. Elle had sacrificed herself to protect her, and a miracle had occurred to bring Elle to life.

    Elle dropped to her knees on her mother’s grave. Holding her head in her hands, she sobbed. Tears streaming down her face.

    “Without you, existence is useless.”

    1. vellichorian Avatar
      vellichorian

      I have always loved a good fractured fairy tale, so I might be reading into your piece differently than you intend, but it reminds me of an original take on the Pinocchio story. I like the concept of a precocious AI learning lessons the hard way until she becomes a “real” person. I feel like the scenes you reference–the gang and the Pleasure Zone–could be very interesting if you had the space to stretch out. I hope you have time to expand this into a longer piece that can explore those aspects of the story.

      1. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John) Avatar
        John Perceval Cain (oneeye John)

        Yes, it’s a reimagined Pinocchio.

    2. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      I like the idea, kinda got an XJ9 vibe from Elle but more reckless abandoned. Granted some of the ideas seem to be tripped up and confused on where we are going. Lot of it is easier to get after the second reading and I get this being a lost for a being that does not know what it is with out someone.

    3. I love how you have weaved sci-fi tropes through this retelling of Pinocchio. You hit so many staples from digital pleasure houses to robot slavery and protocol droids that the whole story felt so much more grounded than the original “oh a fairy granted Geppetto’s wish”. I do wish that continued towards the end though, maybe the miracle that turns her human was actually an amazing new body indistinguishable from human or an improvement in coding that lets her pass her Turing test idk. Overall some classic sci-fi here and would love to see more fairytales tackled like this.

  6. MasaCur Avatar
    MasaCur

    The Hero
    By MasaCur

    Lucas sighed wistfully as he watched the merriment of the people in the kingdom.

    Ten years now, the Demon King had been defeated. Defeated at Lucas’s own hands. Before that, twenty years of fighting the Demon King and his legions, of fighting to rid his evil from the lands.

    But Lucas had prevailed. He struck the Demon King down, and drove his demonic horde to the Hell from which they came.

    The mortal legions of the Demon King fought on, but eventually they too would surrender. Doomed by the lack of leadership, poor morale, and their own infighting, Lucas had no troubles leading the offense against the remaining threats. The Orcs were the first to capitulate. They came to the human kingdoms with offerings and articles of peace. A treaty was struck. Lucas remembered witnessing the ceremony, called upon by his king to mediate.

    Slowly the other races followed suit. The dragons were last, but even they offered to return to the Burnt Lands, never to return to fight against humanity.

    The kingdom had known nothing but peace for five years. Lives were rebuilt, the kingdom had prospered. Trade agreements with many of the races considered monsters a decade ago had built up everyone.

    The people were happy.

    But not Lucas.

    He felt fat and old, even though he was certain he could defeat any of the king’s knights in combat, many of whom were half his age.

    He had known nothing but fighting the forces of the Demon King for so long, he couldn’t remember his life before it.

    It was Lucas who was responsible for this peace. It was through his actions that this festival was being celebrated.

    But he didn’t feel like he was in a celebratory mood.

    What to do when you have a single purpose in your life, and then fulfill it? What do you do with your life afterwards?

    1. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John) Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John)

      This is a great take on the prompt. Nice building tension takes us through the history and the fight overtime to really appreciate Lucas’ position vis-à-vis peace. Paced nice. No dialog, but not really missing it. Your use of the main character’s internals fills the gap. The meaning gap, tending to existential angst, is a nicer take than a bitter John Rambo returns to America feeling you could have gone with. I enjoyed it, well done.

    2. vellichorian Avatar
      vellichorian

      It feels like Lucas is having an extremely human reaction to his success. So many people struggle with knowing what to do with their success after they achieve their goals, or at least find the life they desired less satisfying than they expected. University graduates. Empty-nester parents. Retirees. The question, “So what now?” is so relevant, and I’m glad to see it presented in a high fantasy setting. Well done!

    3. Lucas in this piece is almost wishing for the return of all of the bad things that had happened to his people and I am here for it. The fine line you walked him down looking at what should all be good things like no more demons, dragons or orcs is slowly revealed as a yearning to do what he was good at. So much more complex than a simple one-punch man “hey I am very strong and no one can keep me entertained anymore” type of conflict.
      Awesome as always!

    4. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      Very cool take on the prompt!

      I love the idea of a hero who worked so hard to change the world, but then doesn’t belong to the world he helped to create.

      I don’t think you need the last two lines. Those questions are very clear within the work and I think you can trust the reader to be asking them without having to spell them out. I think those words could be used better to show more of how Lucas doesn’t fit in the world he helped shape.

      You have a lot of worldbuilding in this piece, and while I enjoyed the descriptions of the different factions coming to peace, I have to wonder if they distract somewhat from Lucas and his story. It’s all very interesting and compelling, but it does take us a while to get to Lucas and his unhappiness, which feels like it deserves a bit more of the focus. Again, nothing wrong with how you’ve done it, just another opinion to kick around.

      Random thought, but it might have been interesting to see Lucas watching someone else in the crowd celebrating, a sibling, another soldier, or an old love interest perhaps, someone who had adapted to the new world order well and who could stand as a foil to Lucas and his struggle.

      This review ended up as a lot of “but what about this…” but I really did enjoy what you created here! I really did feel like I could see Lucas, I just wanted to see more of him.

      Thanks for sharing!

  7. vellichorian Avatar
    vellichorian

    Open Letter to the Foundation for Heroic Pursuits
    by vellichorian

    To Whom It May Concern:

    I have spent many hours perched atop the apex of Mount Achtung contemplating the reality I have forged through the application of my own hubris, and I must confess that the swirling magma has revealed that I must alter the target of my longtime ambition. My past self strove to eliminate, with extreme impunity, all who challenged the maniacal devices I had set in place to threaten the citizens of your fair city. As you may remember, my unique talents have forged me into a paragon of villainy, resulting in the decimation of your organization.

    Alas, since the final confrontation between the Silver Axeman and myself, I have found myself gripped with lethargy and apathy, roaming the depths of my underground base without even recognizing the depths of wonder that lie within. My genetically-enhanced piranhas grew emaciated and lazy. Apparently, consuming the Axeman’s faithful companion, the Brass Buffalo, ruined their appetite for more mundane flesh. The Amazer-Razer-Lazer sparked and spluttered at the entrance to the Magnetic Boulder Slalom. With no one to singe and slice, replacing the lenses seemed a pointless endeavor. Preventing the Electro-Moths from charging my cape collection with uncontrollable static cling in their boredom was the most I could achieve for months.

    But the time has come for me to turn over a new leaf.

    Starting today, I will change my ways. I will no longer play our little games of cat and mouse with the sole focus of extinguishing the competition. Instead, I have invented new, ingenious quagmires for heroes to traverse without fear of lethal evisceration, pulverization, or asphyxiation.

    I beseech you, please accept my invitation to rekindle our rivalry, for the wellbeing of all. I realize that my request may seem a little selfish. To encourage your participation, I offer as a prize, the antidote to the poison I released into the cotton candy machine at the State Fair this morning. You have six hours until the effects become permanent.

    Your nemesis,

    The Architect

    1. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John) Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John)

      Loved it!! Very Mega Mind-esque. One long soliloquy of a letter to the whole association behind his nemesis. The irony and humor come through and made fun and playful despite the clear regret of the villainous protagonist. The description of his prior maniacal devices and traps is serious, but fun setting up the fun, but thoughtful tension. And there it is at the end, despite the regret, the baddie gonna plot. Nicely done!

      1. vellichorian Avatar
        vellichorian

        Thanks for the feedback!

    2. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      This was a super fun read. I love the idea of a supervillain that is so good at what they do, they have to dumb themselves down in order to get a challenge out of the heroes. That they also now have to beg, BEG, the heroes to come play with them again makes it even more hilarious. I absolutely loved this story, Vellichorian.

    3. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      I loved this!

      I’ve seen stories of villains who regret winning before, but they often skew very serious, with the villain reducing everything to ash in order to win and then regretting it. But you manage to balance a tone that is perfectly over the top and yet has clearly been the result of an organized villain who is just too good at what he does and is now bored.

      What is a villain without a hero to stand in their way? What if the chase, the battle, was the point, and not the actual victory?

      The Architect’s wallowing in the meaningless of it all now is perfect and really captures the type of villain he is. I especially love the end where he is pleading with them to come back, and has already put a new plan in motion to tempt the heroes back into the fray.

      Super fun piece that stood on its own perfectly, but could also easily lead into a larger world. Thanks so much for sharing!

  8. MelodyLuna7 Avatar
    MelodyLuna7

    The Tragedy of Success (Ashcairn of the Shaded Realm)
    By Mel

    You can DM me for the details!

    1. This piece was wonderfully done! That opening paragraph was a great opener, it definitely gripped my attention right from the very start.

      The emotion in the piece came across very well too, I felt like I really understood what Luetta was feeling. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for her to make it to her sister, only to fail in the final moments.

      Great job, and I can’t wait to read more from this universe!

    2. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John) Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John)

      Tight, poignant and full of affect. Paced from slow burn to urgency at the end. Good mix of description, exposition and dialog. Nice sense of gravitas to the loss and how it complicates Luetta’s relationship and life. Narrowly descriptive and self-contained, but you have enough hints of the larger world to make me interested in what the Shaded Realm is all about. Well done!

    3. vellichorian Avatar
      vellichorian

      I absolutely love the sensory descriptions you include in this piece from the very beginning. It reinforces the strong emotions you evoke, and gives your pace a good starting point as Luetta’s shock and grief overwhelm her senses. Your dialogue is effective at implying a complex relationship between the sisters, and the ending provides an appropriate urgency that the story is not over. Well done!

    4. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Heck!! Using your TF piece as a prequel to your critique group piece?! Only one week in and you’re already doing awesome, big-brain stuff we’ve never done XD

      I loved that first paragraph, it’s incredibly sensory and grounding, and fascinating how she *doesn’t* feel these things that are so well described. Really gives you a numb feeling. Also it’s cool how you went from sensory things she can’t feel to the call of the moon, which is a bit more metaphysical. It might be easy to miss, but because I read your critique group piece first, I knew going in just how strong that call is, and that was by far the most powerful image–that even *that* became dull and numb.
      And then the transition to what she actually does feel is great too.

      “Instead, on the other side of the iron bars was her sister, a wooden stake protruding from her chest and – even worse – slowly deteriorating into the ash that their kind returned to upon death.”
      –This is a powerful image. Especially because there’s no buildup, no action. Just her sister, and a stake through her chest. The whole time we don’t know what’s making her feel numb and shocked, so when we do get the image, we feel shocked too. It almost feels like an episode of a show which starts on a character’s shocked and horrified face, and you’re thinking “What’s that about?” and then the camera pans to her sister with a stake through her and you’re like “Oh *crap.*” It’s effective.

      “Riella’s head moved slightly, enough for her eyes to meet with Luetta’s.”
      –Another powerful image of her only having the strength to barely turn her head, and barely say a few words.

      “You never stopped being my sister.”
      –is a curious line. I would have thought this would refer to one of them becoming a vampire, and the other not having a problem with it, and still believing they’re sisters. But considering they’re both vampires, I wonder what could have stopped them from being sisters–so much so that she felt the need for these to be her final words.

      I don’t know if the shriek was supposed to feel vampiric, but it did to me and that felt cool XD

      Her forgetting her companion is a great continuation of the numbness image from the beginning.

      And that last line being the first line of your critique group piece (or something close to it)?! Masterful. Absolute chef’s kiss.

      I do have a couple critiques for you.

      My first one may just be a personal preference, but “No! Riella, I can’t be too late!” felt too soft to me. Like the power/correct tone of the line is missing. I know you can’t do italics, but I think this does need some extra formatting. Usually I would recommend being sparing with capitals, but I actually think “NO! RIELLA, I CAN’T BE TOO LATE!” might better convey the emotion behind that line? I’m not sure. It just feels a bit off to me.

      And then, my biggest critique is that…I don’t understand how her sister can have a stake in her, while the hunters are not currently in the room with them–and weren’t in the recent past. I had the image that they were both in prison cells, and the hunters came in and killed her sister in front of her, and there was nothing she could do about it. My only guess for how that could have happened is that her sister triggered a trap. But that is very unclear, and I think it needs to be for the hunters’ approaching footsteps to have the proper impact.

      Wonderful debut!! Thank you so much for joining and sharing!!

    5. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      Thanks for beta reading my piece for this week, Melody! However, that won’t spare you from my critiques!

      If I had any.

      To be honest, this was fantastically good–good descriptions of sensations to bring the audience into the scene, good emotional drama with repercussions and costs to the characters, good sense of urgency as the time limit slowly dwindles down, and finally a damn good resolution and possible character development! Everything was great! The line, “…her voice hoarse with tears unshed,” was especially powerful to me. I really like knowing that a character wants to cry, but can’t/won’t. That, or a character who cries silently as to hide it the best they can. I also love how deeply you can see the siblings love each other even though not much is said in that regard! I can’t wait to read what Luetta will do now that her sister is dead. Probably something drastic with outlying consequences!

      I can’t wait to read more! I eagerly await your next submission!

    6. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      I don’t have much to say that others haven’t already said, but I finally got round to reading your story, and my gosh, it was a sad one. On the one hand, she saw her sister die, slowly and agonisingly in front of her, something she will likely never be able to purge from her mind…but on the other hand, she got to hear her final words. She got a goodbye, at the very least. And I don’t think she will ever forget that either.

      Obviously the information was limited within the story, but I guess a staked vampire takes a long time to slowly crumble, and Luetta got there just in time to see the final stages? I assume that’s how it would have to work, for her sister to be locked away in a cell without hunters nearby and yet already staked. But either way, it made for a very effective and tragic scene! Lovely work Melody! <3

  9. Calliope Rannis Avatar
    Calliope Rannis

    A Perfectly Fair Exchange (Nyx’s Story)
    By Calliope Rannis

    “Will you provide that for me?”

    My mouth felt dry, as if simply making such an unnatural request had already cursed my tongue. I closed my mouth and swallowed hard, trying to maintain eye contact with the burning gaze above.

    The Vampire Lord before me smiled his terrible smile. “Oh, what a woeful tale to hear,” Lectara said with a tone of pity laced with faint mockery. “A young woman’s life, unavoidably shortened by an impurity of blood.” His last word felt especially heavy on my ears.

    With a quick gesture of a marble hand, he held out his golden jewel-encrusted chalice before him. “Yes, I do believe I have a satisfactory solution to your problem, Miss Murnor.” His other hand drew something from the depths of his fine clothing – an ornate dagger with a strangely wavy blade and an aura of seething magic. “We just need to make a simple exchange.”

    I expected the blade to do nothing to his stony skin. So watching it cut through the back of his hand like warm butter was an unsettling surprise. As was the speed that his thick dark blood filled the goblet. It felt like only seconds before Lectara was offering the cup to me, almost full.

    It was heavy, enough to require both my hands to hold. I looked into the cup. This close, that pool of blood looked less like something to drink, and more like a lake to drown myself in.

    A thought crossed my mind. “My lord? What did you mean by an exch-”

    My vision blurred white for a second.

    I didn’t know what happened. I almost stumbled as a wave of dizziness washed over me.

    Then I began to feel a rising dull ache, where my shoulder met my neck. And I began to understand.

    He casually wiped his mouth with a napkin, unconcerned. “Well? Drink, if you please. It is what you wanted, is it not?”

    It was. It really, really was.

    No time for fear now, Nyx. Just drink, and you’ll be there.

    So I swallowed my pride, and I drank.

    1. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      More of Nyx’s origins! Always wonderful to read, even if this piece in particular is very dark. I especially liked how you never specifically explained that Lectara drank Nyx’s blood near the end of the story, because you didn’t need to. The dizziness, the pain, and the nonchalant napkin wipe explain it all. It’s very clever. Overall, a chilling yet fun read, Calliope. Great job!

    2. MelodyLuna7 Avatar
      MelodyLuna7

      This is the first time I’ve read anything of yours, and I’m already incredibly interested in reading more about this character. I love the ceremonial tone to the process, how you conveyed her unease that her perceptions of the Vampire Lord didn’t match up to the reality, and how you conveyed her apprehension when it came time to drink from the goblet. I’m very curious to learn the circumstances that brought her to this moment, and what the result of her acceptance of this “exchange” would be.

      Also, I really love vampires in fiction.

    3. Oh crap! I knew this was Nyx as soon as I saw Vampire Lord, but the reveal at the end was still wonderful.

      Your descriptions in this piece are great as usual, making sure to describe the little details that really breathe life into a piece. I loved the dialogue for the Vampire Lord, definitely fitting for someone as noble and (presumably) shady as they are.

      I’m curious what brought Nyx to this point, and what that dagger was. It seems like it’s probably a big deal based on how easily it cut his skin, but maybe there’s something else at play here.

      This was a great read, I really enjoyed it!

    4. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John) Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John)

      This appears to be part of the making of Nyx. Fascinating!! I want to know so much more. Paced well. Good crescendo to the rising action. Nice mix of description, exposition and dialog. The voice of Lecrtara comes through strongly. Tight and self-contained, but clearly part of Nyx’s Story. The one critical observation is that while the Reward is clear, I only see a hint of future regret. Still, I really enjoyed this and want to read more.

    5. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      I’ve read about the ritualistic nature of turning into a vampire, but your description of the Lord’s blood was very ominous and pulled me quite deep into the story! “…that pool of blood looked less like something to drink, and more like a lake to drown myself in,” is such a powerful line! It holds so much darkness in it and spells out how wrong and unnatural the situation is. I also especially like the fact that you specify that he cuts the back of his hand–a part of the body that does not bleed too much when lacerated. Typically, one would reach for the wrist, under the arm, under the knee, or from the neck, so the fact that it poured so quickly from the back of the hand makes me wonder if Lord Lectara has some control over his blood–and now quite possibly control over Nyx to some degree. That would be quite the twist!

      Keep it coming! Don’t stop now!

    6. This flows so well, especially piggybacking off the previous story where you see the direct consequences of this choice. What I think I love the most is that I’m pretty familiar with Nyx at this point and yet this was still such an intriguing read despite knowing how it would end.

      Everything from Nyx’s initial apprehension to the way Lectara talked to her to how his bleeding was described was done amazingly. I’m a particular fan of that line of the blood looking like a lake to drown herself in. Such great foreboding imagery there!

      And while I’d assume the word count was the culprit, I absolutely adore how Nyx’s bite was done before she even realized what was happening.

      Like a giant mosquito bite lol. It also entertains me that he got off his throne (because I picture Lectara sitting on an ornate throne as he’s having this conversation) zoomed around to an oblivious Nyx, chomp, suck, and then went back to sitting and elegantly wiping his mouth like nothing happened, while Nyx is like, “Ow! Consent bro! You should ask a lady before you start chomping in her neck! Bad vampire!”

      I kid, of course, but in all seriousness this was a very fun read. Especially since the regret is only hinted at in the story, but if you know the character, you know just how much she’s going to regret this.

      That said, I do wonder if he’d actually explained all the downsides of being a dhampire, would it have mattered. Nyx is terrified of dying so maybe being told the frustration of super hearing and finding your own blood delicious wouldn’t have deterred her in the moment regardless.

  10. Glaceon373 Avatar
    Glaceon373

    A Mark of Honor (Students of the DiamondBridge Academy universe)
    by Carrie (Glaceon373)

    A knock hit the office door. Before Mr. Nicklescribe could invite his guests in, it flew open.

    “What’s up, Nick?” Callisto folded her arms and leaned against the bookshelf, loudly chewing gum between her sharp teeth. Her werewolf ears flicked in a fidgeting pattern.

    “Finally got the courage to expel me?” Meserix, with his ridiculous grin, grabbed the nearest open chair and sat down as incorrectly as possible.

    Nicklescribe sighed. The two most problematic students of the junior class, maybe the entire school. Whatever. He’d make this work.

    He cleared his throat. “Ms. Aphelion. Mr. Tignor. You’re not here for disciplinary action.”

    “Then what’s with your desk?” Callisto asked.

    Indeed, it looked very strange. Glassware, leather-bound books, and paintbrushes lay scattered where paperwork should have been.

    “Again, you’re not here for disciplinary action.” Nicklescribe gently picked up a flask of thin maroon liquid. “In fact, I would like to honor your spirited natures with a reward.”

    “Ha!” Meserix laughed. “As if—”

    “It’s called a Principal’s Mark. A symbol of prestige. While you’re on school grounds, it will appear on your arm. I’m only giving this out to a select few, and I feel you two deserve it. Now, who would like to go first—”

    “Hold on, buddy.” Callisto put an arm in front of Meserix. “This is more suspicious than the Peravaught incident. I don’t want a magic tattoo-thing. Just give us detention like a normal vice princi—”

    “ACTING principal, please. And this is a high honor, Callisto.” Nickelscribe swirled the liquid in the flask. It smelt of burnt berries and nausea. “And I can only give it to the best.”

    “Here’s an idea,” Meserix offered. “Don’t give the messed-up magic to anyone! Even people who might deserve it!”

    “Is that what you believe?” The flask hit the desk. “Again, this is an honor. If you two don’t accept it, two freshmen will have to take it. I believe you both know… Bianca Aphelion and Mavthos Tignor?”

    Callisto’s red eyes turned to daggers. Meserix readied two fists.

    Nicklescribe smiled. “That’s what I thought. Now, please hold out your right arms…”

    1. Your character work is great in this piece, well done! You do such a good job of describing character’s actions between bits of dialogue, which adds a lot of life both to them and the scene.

      I don’t trust Nicklescribe at all, I gotta say. I’m sure that liquid is not nearly as much of an honour as he’s making it out to sound. I am curious what exactly it is though, and why they’re being given it. Seems like they’ve done something wrong, but I imagine whatever they did wasn’t bad enough to deserve whatever that liquid is.

      Great job, thank you for sharing!

    2. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John) Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John)

      Engaging. Dialog forward but moves the story along. Enough exposition and description for it to make sense. Heavy on names, particularly when you use, I presume the younger, freshman, siblings of the two in the office. While I get the ‘reward’ and the ‘regret’ here, what I’m struggling to understand is the setup. What exactly did the two do to deserve this from the vice princi… er Acting Principal? You note Nicklescribe views them as the ‘most problematic students’ and his intimation via the ‘whatever’ and ‘He’d make this work’ implies this wasn’t a thought-out plan–either as a punishment or a reward. Is it he, Nicklescribe, is just that petty and dictatorial of an ‘Acting’ authority? Despite that, it hooked me, interested me in their story and plight, and made me want to know more. Nice job.

    3. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      I’m very impressed at how you managed to infer Nickelback’s–I mean Nicklescribe’s ulterior motives without any directly confrontational dialogue. Sure, there’s that bit at the end about giving the mark to two freshmen, but without stating how the mark is so terrible, it can be construed as simply a matter of fact. Nicklescribe as a character raises many questions, too. There’s not a lot you give about him in this piece, so I’m lead to wonder why he dislikes Callisto and Meserix. Is it simply because he sees them as troublesome? Or is there something more? Or could it be that this is truly a misunderstanding on the student’s parts, since all suspicion raises from them? I would find it rather fascinating if Nicklescribe was just a normal dude trying to have hope in troublesome students, and their mistrust in the system leads to their distrust in Nicklescribe’s intentions. As it stands, I don’t know if relying on “the Peravaught incident” (a separate story altogether) for a standalone piece is the right call here. I wish there was some hint of this in this piece. I also wish there was some indication of how the Principal’s Mark is detrimental. Will they get expelled if they lose the mark? Will something worse happen? Without any indication, I fail to see how the mark is nothing more than just a mark of prestige.

      Editorial notes: “It’s called a Principal’s Mark. A symbol of prestige,” should have a colon after “mark,” as you’re continuing the thought with more information. It makes the sentence flow better and lessens the amount of sentences within the paragraph.

      I quite enjoyed this piece! It reminds me a little of harry potter!

    4. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      There’s a lot to like here!

      I love how, even if a reader isn’t familiar with your larger world, the threat to the younger siblings is very clear. Sneaking in their last names under the guise of respect and politeness was very well done!

      I do wish we had some inkling as to the true purpose of the Principal’s Mark. To me, it seems like Nicklescibe needs two students to has this mark, and has reason to avoid giving it to other students, possibly out of necessity, and he’s willing to threaten these two into taking it, even though they don’t seem like his first choice. Since he needs to “make this work,” there is clearly more going on here, but as a reader there isn’t much of a hint as to what it could be. Word count is the enemy of us all, and it doesn’t take the steam out of the piece entirely, but it was something that felt missing.

      I adore that Meserix “sat down as incorrectly as possible.” That line really got my brain going with what that might look like.

      You do a great job of world building here, raising questions on the periphery of the scene. What happened to the principle? What is this other incident Callisto speaks of? What have Callisto and Meserix been up to to earn them this troublesome reputation?

      I always find your magic school stories delightful.

  11. How did it come to this
    By Green

    “My lord Malgave Dodge, formerly of Isle Wyte, ah…now exiled… forgive my lord, I am but the messenger.”

    How did it come to this? This morning he had the king’s ear. He was dining with drunk politicians in imperial halls. Foreign princes held their tongues in fear of losing his favour. Now he drank swill in the stonewalled home of a serf, with a halfling letter reader trying not to hurt his feelings.

    “Ah, let’s see…Know that our sympathy and blah blah”. The Hobgoblin continued, ” we send you our condolences, especially since we appear to be at fault! Oh my lord, I swear I had no idea!”

    Of course, his failings had begun with these wretched good fellows. Yes, funding the “expedition” of these vile creatures had angered the king. His blood boiled as he grasped the tiny shoulder of the messenger. He gestured for it to continue, bearing down with what lordly presence he could remember.

    “Um ah oh here… as it appears, the king disapproved. In compensation, we bring glad tidings that the quest you sponsored has been a success! The great barrow dragon, Gland, your party has slain in the Brown Marshes!” the halfling exclaimed, believing the news was good.

    Success?! Oh, unaware puck, he thought that vile drake’s death would not regain his honour or his position with the king! Oh, what he had earnt for his loyalty, cast aside after one mistake.

    “Unfortunately, the adventurers…that…were hired…did not survive the battle. They fell to the hated serpent’s flame. Ah, there are silver linings to these deaths, my lord, as you are now the sole inheritor of the rewards!”

    Relief washed over the lord; at last, some good news, he would still have wealth. His grasp lessened on the letter reader’s shoulder, imagining his retirement, disgraced but comfortable.

    “The main part of these spoils is, of course, the dragon’s hoard. This hoard having melted into one clump in the battle that we cannot remove from the barrOOOOOW!” cried the halfling as the lord threw him against a wall in rage.

    1. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      The opening of this piece was very strong. Revealing the primary conflict of the situation is beneficial in many ways, such as laying the context of why the scene is so important for the acting characters. Your descriptions, too, of this lord’s regrets is quite gripping and highlights the lord’s values: being drunk with power and most pertinently, being seen as important. It marks the lord as greedy and prideful, which adds some depth to his character.

      However, I feel that this piece isn’t too clear with the lord’s intentions. The line in question here is, “…he thought that vile drake’s death would not regain his honour or his position with the king!” The key word here is “not” and how that clashes with what we know of the character. Was this expedition for the gold? The lord’s reactions to the rewards being his alone is… secondary to his loss of favor with the king. All this leads me to ask what was the point of funding this expedition? This could be more clear in my opinion.

      Good work, Green! Don’t be discouraged!

    2. John Perceval Cain (oneeye John) Avatar
      John Perceval Cain (oneeye John)

      Well, that was unexpected! Dude falls from grace, is hopeful he might be rich as a result, but the gold, etc. is all in one big slag of a clump inside the dragon’s lair. Both a reward and a regret, but with a clever, witty, humorous punchline. Technically, the piece read well; mix of dialog, description and exposition via the letter and internals/reflections. Pace pushed the crescendo to the right moment nicely, adding more punch to the ironic revelation. I liked this very much!

  12. Yay! We’re doomed!
    By Marx

    Yelena had known fear many times in her very long life, but it was nothing compared to what she felt now. She knew if she were rejected here, in the Garden, it would mean both the end of her and most likely her unborn child.

    “…Father… I… know I shouldn’t be here, but… I had nowhere else to turn…”

    A chuckle echoed from all around her throughout the Garden. “Ah, Yelena… The last time the child of an angel and an old one was born she took the form of Death. The end of all things, including me. Come child, do you honestly think I would allow such a being to be born again unless it was my will?”

    Yelena paused, her eyes widening as she unconsciously touched the bulge on her belly. “You already knew?”

    “Of course I did.” He replied, appearing before her. “You are exactly where I want you to be. And the two of you are under my protection. You have nothing to fear.”

    Yelena sighed contentedly as that weight was lifted from her shoulders. It only left one other. “My child’s… father… he-”

    “Served his purpose.” He finished for her, affectionately touching her belly. “Just as you will have served yours after he’s born.”

    Yelena tried to fight against the tears as the reality of those words sunk in. “Can’t… can’t I be allowed to live? To raise my child?”

    “That’s not how this works.” He chuckled back. “This child is going to need both his parents’ essences if he’s going to be all he can be.”

    “But… Father, you write those rules.”

    “And it would do you well to remember why, child.”

    Yelena immediately looked away. “I meant no disrespect. I just-… I love him… so much…”

    “Of course you do, child. I wrote it that way.” He said dismissively, turning His attention once more to the unborn baby. “Death has been waiting for you for quite some time.”

    Yelena’s eyes widened again. “He’s… Death’s horseman?”

    “Death made the end to everything possible. And this little guy is going to bring it all home.”

    1. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      There’s something sinister in the way the father speaks, and in the undertone of his words. This is a being that controls everything and seemingly cares for nothing but the fate he’s written. Although it would have been nice to know why it has to be the way he desires, I can understand the allure to a character who’s motives are shrouded in mystery. It adds a dark aura to his being that sends shivers down my spine. The way he speaks, too, adds to this malevolent feeling whenever he’s in the scene–cold, slow, and meticulously.

      Some critiques: because of his nature, I really don’t think the wording of “this little guy” said by the father really fits for his character. It pulled me out from the ending because the father struck me as someone who was not casual by any means, and hasn’t used casual speech since the beginning of the piece. Other than that, I think the ellipsis before “…Father…” in the first line of dialogue is unnecessary as it’s the first time she’s speaking anyways. Any hesitation she feels is clearly stated before hand in the narration of her fear.

      Nice work, Marx! Keep up the good work!

      1. Hm, you know, you’re right. Funnily enough, he usually is extremely casual. But that’s not really shown in this piece because he talks differently to angels. The power dynamic IS the dynamic and in this case especially, he cares about the baby infinitely more than he cares about the mother. She’s very much a means to an end. But I am glad that the dark aura of his power comes across.

    2. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      You know the fact you both stay true to what most know of the creation myth. Also love how this started out like a normal girl coming home with a child. Then the voice of god comes in and we figure out where we are. The twist at the end was good, I though it would be Adam just for a different view of that myth.

      1. I won’t lie and say that having this take place in the Garden of Eden, I didn’t intend for it to seem a little Adam and Eve-ish with my own twist on things lol. I’m glad you liked it!

    3. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      Finally gotten to my much-belated review of your story! XD
      That said, I do really feel for Yelena. Of course she loves her child, and wants to survive to raise him…and if she can’t, she still loves him enough that she will willingly go through her own death to birth him. But it’s still real sad that Bob doesn’t express so much of a shred of empathy for her, treating her just as a tool he programmed for that specific purpose. And sure, he may be accurate to think that way, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

      Though on another note…if she has to die to give Matt life, and his father is already dead…did he, like, die on Yelena the moment they concieved him? Kinda like how various insects and the like have the males die right after mating? XD Or did fate just randomly kill him another way shortly afterwards? Because the way Bob put it, it seems like the former is actually more likely! 😛

      Still, a cool story to have read, helps clarify a lot of Matt’s origins pretty well! It is a shame that he doesn’t get his birth mother to raise him though. I hope the family he ended up with treated him alright at least?

      In any case, good work Marx! ^w^

    4. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Oooh another Yelena story!! I was not expecting that!! This is really cool!!

      Okay first of all, love the title XD

      I also think this is my first story with Bob in it and…I don’t know if I can say I *like* him as a person XD But I think you wrote him very well, and as a *character* I very much like him.
      I haven’t read the other reviews yet, I’m very curious how people who don’t know Bob, and thought of him as just “God” viewed the piece XD I feel like it offers a very different perspective.

      “She knew if she were rejected here, in the Garden, it would mean both the end of her and most likely her unborn child.”
      –A powerful beginning that sets up the story well. (Works well as a stand alone–she has a dilemma, how will it be fixed/end?)
      I also wonder if this the Garden during Adam and Eve’s time, or if the Garden remains a special place for Bob and the angels in modern times.

      ” The last time the child of an angel and an old one was born she took the form of Death. The end of all things, including me. Come child, do you honestly think I would allow such a being to be born again unless it was my will?”
      –This is very poetic and fascinating.
      Was she being hunted because she had a child with an Old One? And was scared Bob would smite her for it too?

      “You are exactly where I want you to be. And the two of you are under my protection. You have nothing to fear.”
      –This sets up the prompt part of the scene so well. I can really feel the relief Yelena would feel upon hearing this.

      “My child’s… father… he-”
      “Served his purpose.” He finished for her, affectionately touching her belly.”
      –And this is so poignant. She’s gotten her relief, and is sure she will get more, but he is m0re callous than she probably could have imagined–the affectionate touch only accentuating that.

      “Just as you will have served yours after he’s born.”
      Yelena tried to fight against the tears as the reality of those words sunk in. “Can’t… can’t I be allowed to live? To raise my child?”
      –And then boom, the callousness drops to the most horrifying level, the true regret of the reward. And the reveal of Bob’s true character.
      I love how gentle her response is. She doesn’t respond with anger or horror, she just wants to be with her kid. It makes the scene so much sadder.

      “This child is going to need both his parents’ essences if he’s going to be all he can be.”
      –Does this mean when his parents die their powers go into Matt?

      “But… Father, you write those rules.”
      “And it would do you well to remember why, child.”
      –Another poignant slap in the face of dialogue. He *could* change it, and he is for sure not going to. He doesn’t care about her.

      “I meant no disrespect. I just-… I love him… so much…”
      “Of course you do, child. I wrote it that way.”
      –And the most powerful slap in the face of dialogue of them all. Even her kind gentle words of love that seem to combat her callousness…merely how he wrote her. Of course he doesn’t feel disrespected…she’s acting exactly how he planned her to act.
      The very thing that was so comforting before–that everything was according to his plan–becomes horrifying now.

      “Death made the end to everything possible. And this little guy is going to bring it all home.”
      –I like the “this little guy” phrasing especially. It feels both endearing and condescending and works perfectly for his character.

      Great job, I really liked this one!!

      P.S. What kind of voice and/or accent does Bob have?

  13. Skeleton Avatar
    Skeleton

    Credited Certification (The Will)
    By Skeleton (Edited by MelodyLuna7)

    Remianna placed the strange, ancient device into the beggar’s coin-pan. “I’ve done as you asked,” she relayed to the old, blind woman dressed in white, sacred garbs. “I stole it—costing me over twenty years of labour and rank, my reputation among all the scholars of the world, and my life—now that I’m wanted.”

    The Woman in White gave an amused laugh, reaching forth and grasping the strange device. Her thin, ebony fingers caressed every edge of it with melancholic care. “You do not sound that torn up about it,” she teased with a victorious smirk. “The White Witch… a fitting name that suits one of my most reluctant followers—criminal or not.”

    “If you think that I take any pleasure in fetching your fancies, then I’ll shatter that thing right here,” Remianna threatened, unconsciously glancing towards the white scales on her claw. “I’m running out of time—Eymir will lose his mind completely soon, and I think the Void Queen is plotting something to speed up the process. Quit stalling and tell me where this… “Memento” is.”

    The Woman in White hummed with amusement as the device finally came to rest in her lap. “Are you sure that is the question you wish to ask? I am already certain you know the answer.”

    Remianna bit her lip and looked away. “How do I reach the moon, then?”

    “Perhaps you have heard the tale of the city that lingers in the heavens?” the Woman in White suggested.

    The dragoness’ eyes widened at the mention of her childhood dream: a metal city suspended in the clouds that levitated with a strange energy. Buildings were connected by rails that you could ride on with strange technologies—simulated flight.

    “It is invisible to the naked eye,” the Woman in White continued, “and its altitude is too great for any of your kind to breathe. Not even the avonis can fly up there.”

    “Then how do I reach it?!” Remianna demanded.

    The entity’s mischievous smile widened to near malice.

    “You do not.”

    1. There’s a lot of good intrigue in this piece, well done! I feel like I’m left with so many questions that make me want to read more to find the answers. Who’s the Woman in White? What’s the strange mechanism and what did Remianna have to do to acquire it? What’s up with the floating city? There’s just so much good worldbuilding here, something that I think is pretty hard to do in such a short word count. Great job!

    2. MelodyLuna7 Avatar
      MelodyLuna7

      It was my pleasure to beta read this piece for you, and rereading it now, I still really like it! There’s a lot of implied mystery between the two characters’ interactions that leaves me with a lot of questions. What was the device Remianna stole? What is the Woman in White and why does she want it?

      There’s also enough historical worldbuilding to catch my interest and make me want to learn more about this story/world. What is that city in the sky? Was is a technologically advanced society that met it’s downfall, and now no one can benefit from their findings? To spite what the Woman in White said, I hope Remianna is able to find a way up there and retrieve what she needs.

      A side note on the Woman in White: my interpretation of her from this piece is that she is cruel in a fun way. She probably knew what question Remianna was going to ask, but still used her to retrieve the device she wanted.

      Also, Remianna is a dragon-person and that’s awesome.

    3. Lol that is how it goes sometimes. Especially when you risk everything for the answer to a question and not necessarily a way to perform said answer.

      That said, this story was set up beautifully. As has been said in the other comments, it makes you ask so many questions that you’re genuinely intrigued to know more by the time you get to the end.

      Sure the Woman in White says that there’s no way of getting into the floating city, but I’m sure Remianna will figure out a way and I look forward to eventually reading about it.

      Excellent worldbuilding here and a great take on the prompt!

  14. A Warrior’s Heart (When Dead Gods Rise)
    By Gerrit (Rattus)

    Akhellien had only been the beginning. The Great Ones were all waking now, leaving ruins where there had once been cities.

    The scar on Ral’s back burned, a reminder of his last good day. Back when he had a home, and family, and things to look forward to when he woke in the morning.

    He sat on a stone bench in the agora, hardly noticing the myriad of wandering townspeople around him. He may as well have been alone. It was hard to focus on anything besides the steady thrumming in his head.

    Another Great One would awaken soon.

    Since finding The Heart, he had become acutely aware of any Great Ones nearby. The closer he was, the more intensely he felt them. It had allowed him to follow them, warning cities to shore up defences and prepare to fight back.

    They almost never listened to him, and this city was no exception. The people roamed freely and happily, unaware of the imminent danger stirring beneath them. Ral wondered how many cities would be reduced to dust before his message started being heard.

    For now he hoped he would at least be able to stop the Great One before too much damage was done. He couldn’t save the city, he wasn’t fool enough to believe that. But maybe he could save the land around it, if he was lucky.

    Ral sighed, steeling himself for another fight. He had tried running, at first. Tried hiding in every crevice and cave he could find.

    But The Heart worked both ways.

    His existence was a marker of some kind for the Great Ones. They knew where he was at all times, and each one sought to kill him. It had only taken so much running to realise he only had one choice.

    As the ground below began to rumble, Ral thought back to his childhood days in the temple. What a strange twist of fate, for him to end up here. He had never been a warrior.

    But he had become one.

    1. Glaceon373 Avatar
      Glaceon373

      Rattus, the worldbuilding here is wonderful. I especially appreciate the way you paced this piece. While much of this story is worldbuilding, Ral’s actions splice it out with emotional moments. There’s an inherent sadness to trying to help someone or a group of people, but they won’t listen to you. And Ral is still going to fight the Great One for them, anyway. It would be awesome to read more from this world, Rattus. Great job!

    2. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      The pacing, the world-building, and the atmosphere of this piece was perfectly executed. Atmosphere, specifically, is one of the things I believe to be the hardest task for a writer since it include multiple different factors such as word choice and tonality. When I read this, I felt nothing but dread, and your expert use of using two-sentence paragraphs really draw out that dread and makes me sit there with Ral, stewing in it. “The Great Ones,” too, are very impressive. We don’t get to know what they look like, but we can imagine them–each reader crafting their own monstrosities in their head–and they are so close in name to the Great Old ones that we know they are of Eldritch origins. How one man can face such power and horror alone is enough to understand why Ral is so pessimistic in his goals.

      This is a great piece, Rattus! Well done!

    3. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Me, *is scrolling up from the bottom and sees the last line first*: Oooh “But he had become one”? That sounds epic!! I’m excited!!
      Me *reading the title*: “(When Dead Gods Rise)”?! What universe is this?! Is this a new one?!
      Me *reading the first line*: GrEAt OnES?!?!
      XD

      Holy CRIMENY Gerrit, this is so good!! Like, this is one of those special stories where I’m like
      *Reads the first line*
      “ooh I like that line, I’ll have to comment on that!”
      *Reads the next line*
      “I like that line too!”
      *Next line*
      “And that one…”
      *Next line*
      “And…And that…”
      It’s like the “That’s good…that’s good…It’s…*It’s enough slices!!*” tiktok XD

      I’ll try to pick out some of my favs as best I can XD

      “a reminder of his last good day.”
      –Is such a dang striking line. Like it gives us all the backstory we need in a poetic and punchy way.

      “He may as well have been alone. It was hard to focus on anything besides the steady thrumming in his head.”
      –I love how you show the atmosphere and put us in his head. It feels like everyone else is blurry.

      (By the way, I’m sure you just meant that everyone was going about their lives normally, but I kinda got the image of people dancing around and singing cluelessly XD Like the camera shows the townspeople twirling around grinning in the sunlight, and then it pans to Ral and there’s ominous music and storm clouds overhead XD)

      I can really feel the beat drop, the ominousness in “Another Great One would awaken soon.”

      “Ral wondered how many cities would be reduced to dust before his message started being heard.”
      –This is poignant too.

      It’s so hard to do proper world building in a short story, and I feel like this is kinda the standard to strive for XD You can talk about a world of Great Ones and we’re not lost. When you get to The Heart, I’m not left confused. And then when you explain the Heart works both ways I feel like I have a proper “Oh crap” moment. The pacing is stellar, not just for the story itself, but for all the bits of information you give us.

      I am so ready to read more about this universe. (And you put a universe name in parentheses, so don’t you dare tell me this was a one-off you came up with on the fly!!)

      Also, I’m curious, Ral sounds a bit like Ra, was that intentional?

      OMG and I just realized the pun in the title too!! Gosh dang man!! Every part of this is so expertly crafted!!

      Fantastic job!!

    4. MelodyLuna7 Avatar
      MelodyLuna7

      I really, REALLY liked this Rat! The first line set up a really great premise that lends itself to really interesting questions. Did the people build cities on top of the resting places of old gods? Why did they do that, and who was the genius that thought it was a good idea? Or when the gods awaken, do they manifest underneath hotspots of civilization?

      The conflict for this character is also interesting: a survivor of such as devastation, and now has taken it upon himself to warn cities of the coming disaster, and when they inevitably don’t listen, he still tries to help them as best he can. That tells to a strength of character, which can lead to interesting conflict when it’s put to the test. I’m interested in learning how he got this power and what other consequences he may face for using it.

      Overall, great job! I’m looking forward to seeing more of this story and world.

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