Writing Group: Magic Won’t Save You (PRIVATE)

Hello, Down-On-Your-Luck Witches and Second-Rate Wizards!

Well well well… [INSERT EVIL LAUGH] It looks like you’ve fallen right into my trap. Best give up the fight right now, my dear, because…

This week’s Writing Group prompt is:

Magic Won’t Save You

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

Magic is often the catch-all of fantasy solutions. The most important and powerful tool in any adventurer’s kit—as long as one knows how to use it. But what happens when even the one thing that seems impossible to beat isn’t enough?

There are many situations in which magic could fall short. A villain who knows your character’s weakness might have them captured. Your character could stumble into a strange place which disables or otherwise interferes with magic. Fighting someone with the same level of magic could mean your character’s magic isn’t much of a trump card. They could be fighting an army, and maybe their magic simply isn’t enough to take all the enemies down. Or perhaps your character is still learning, or otherwise incompetent, and their magic simply isn’t strong enough to save them at this point. And there’s always the things magic usually can’t do: bring back the dead, and make someone fall in love.  

Perhaps it’s less about the fact that magic can’t accomplish the task, but rather that the cost—either to the one performing it, and the one it’s performed upon—is so great it’s worse than not working in the first place. Perhaps it can’t save you because, even if it works, it will only drive you further into darkness and despair—further back than square one. 

It could be more domestic. Perhaps a student wants to cheat on a test, and their magic solution fails, or else they get caught, and magic won’t save them from the principal. Perhaps magic can’t save a couple—be them a king and queen, or a lower class couple in modern day—from a loveless marriage. Perhaps someone loses an arm, or becomes paralyzed, and magic cannot heal them. Maybe someone is depressed, or struggles with some other mental illness which magic can’t fix. 

One of the most interesting aspects of this prompt is that the specific magic system within your universe determines how difficult the bar is to hit. Some magic systems are weaker than others. In that case, there are far more things that magic wouldn’t be able to fix, or save you from. However, for those systems in which it is extremely powerful, the situations it couldn’t fix would have to be a lot more rare, dramatic, and intense. 

Playing with different specific, classic types of magic could be fun too. Such as, what could make it so even true love—said to be the most powerful magic of all—isn’t enough to break a curse? 

So far I’ve been using the words “won’t” and “can’t” interchangeably, but that distinction could potentially be important. “Won’t” implies a will. What if magic itself is a sentient entity, and—while it can save you—it willfully refuses?

As Arthur C. Clarke once said, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” In a science fiction story, perhaps the advanced technology— which for all intents and purposes acts as magic— is what cannot save your character. Perhaps, despite all their laser guns, teleporters, fancy spaceships, and force powers, they just can’t win. 

Or maybe it’s more real. There are some things in our real world that can be referred to as “magic.” People today often like to peddle solutions to problems that are too good to be true.  As The Mad Hatter in Once Upon a Time says “You know what the issue is with this world? Everyone wants a magical solution for their problem, and everyone refuses to believe in magic.” Perhaps you could write about a character who has to learn they’ve been scammed, or to stop chasing magic solutions to their problems, and either pursue something more real, or realize their problem is unsolvable. Or perhaps, instead, they learn magic is real…it just wasn’t what they thought it was. 

Many of us write about characters who are powerful beyond belief, who seem impossible to beat, let alone kill. Let’s see how they’re brought low this week, what situations even their immense power cannot save them from, shall we? 

Psst. While he’s distracted. Hand me that rope. Also the book, and the knife. Oh, and we’re gonna need that guy’s leg too. Magic might not be able to save us, but I think I can still get us out of here.

—Kaylie

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

Tune into the stream this Saturday at 3:00pm CST to see if you made the cut!

The whole purpose of this is to show off the creativity of the community, while also helping each other to become better writers. Lean into that spirit! Get ready not just to share what you’ve got, but to give back to the other writers here as well.

Rules and Guidelines

We read at least five stories during each stream, two of which come from the public post, and three of which come from the much smaller private post. Submissions are randomly selected by a bot, but likes on your post will improve your chances of selection, so be sure to share your submission on social media!

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  2. What to Submit

    1. Keep submissions “safe-for-work”; be sparing with sexuality, violence, and profanity.
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Comments on this post that aren’t submissions will be deleted, except for replies/reviews left on existing submissions.


Comments

48 responses to “Writing Group: Magic Won’t Save You (PRIVATE)”

  1. jesse fisher Avatar
    jesse fisher

    Chained
    by Jesse Fisher

    The clattering of chains filled the halls as I ran. The weight of the chains were like paper but the effects were all that mattered. I could feel the block as clear as someone pounding on thick glass. No matter how I moved, even as my hand brushed the wall the thickness was there.

    —-

    Time lost meaning for me, I recall where I was before I came to these halls. I think it was when I was looking for a missing person, my clients were a family of immortals that lost their daughter. They knew of me due to my family being one of the few that married into theirs. We got longer lives but the youth was not a part of it, however the magic boost made us sought after for archmages or teachers. I however took it as a way to just see the world. Around twenty or so years I would change locations, just to keep my heritage under the down low. While not immuned to the aging of time, twenty years is like a year for the layman. The extended family could still find me, guessing magic but that is something to think of another time.

    —-

    The silence of the chains snapped me back to the now. The fact I could not hear anything else did not fill me with confidence. I also did not notice my breathing if not for movement. That means something is affecting me.

    Then I see it, well dressed goons. Normally I could take them but the chains kept me as I am. They wanted me alive if the chains are anything to go off, time to see how badly they want me.

  2. WolfsbaneX Avatar
    WolfsbaneX

    “Regret and a Revenant” (Garoloch)
    By Hemming Sebastian Bane (CW: brief self-harm, mention of/implied decay)

    Lightning screamed across the night sky as I engraved the ritual circle into the dirt floor. Three candles formed a uniform triangle outside of the circle, the top candle pointing to the door. A dish of raw venison and pine needles sat in the middle. Starting with the top, I lit the candles clockwise. Taking the first candle, I lit the needles and let them burn. Then, I took out my knife, placed the blade in my hand and dug into my own flesh. The pain was like fire from heaven striking my hand. I winced as I squeezed my blood onto the plate. Taking the second candle, I burned away the wound. It stung, but it wasn’t as bad as the knife. I picked up the plate and the third candle, put them outside and shut the door.

    I blew the other two candles out and climbed into bed. Never had I found sleep so elusive than after the ritual. Thunder rumbled. Lightning flashed. Heavy rain pattered. Every sound outside of my hut seemed to echo within my head. The low fire from the hearth did little to deter winter’s cold bite. I pulled my threadbare blanket over my head, forced my eyes closed, and tried to shut out the sound of the storm. That’s when a new sound began. A knock at the door.

    Despite the terrible weather, this knock had no urgency. It was more like someone colliding with the door over and over again. Tossing the blanket aside, I walked to the door and opened it. My blood ran cold.

    Her blond hair was matted with gravedirt and debris. Her blue eyes glazed over. Her skin was yellow with rot. Her mouth was sewn shut with coarse black fibers. Her fingernails, now serrated, grasped at her mouth. I watched in horror as she cut the strings one by one. Her mouth, now free, oozed a fetid black liquid as she smiled at me.

    At some point, I started screaming. This… this couldn’t be! I pulled out my knife. Too late. Her hand was on my throat.

    1. I love your resurrection gone wrong, Wolf. Necromancy isn’t always the answer. Sometimes you just have to let the dead rest. The way you describe the resurrected woman is really well done, and very unsettling. I presume the ritual has some basis in real world mythology; that seems something that you often do. A lot of immersive descriptions here. Well done.

    2. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      This was so interesting.

      Part of me feels like the ritual was described too much, and those words could be used to give the reader more context on the narrator, but at the same time I absolutely loved the description of the ritual itself and would absolutely hate to see it cut! So I’m glad you included it. It’s just detailed enough that it feels like each step has meaning and purpose, like following a recipe, and not a random assortment of actions thrown together.

      I am so curious as to what went wrong, or if the ritual did exactly what it was intended to do but there was misunderstanding by the narrator.

      I kinda wish you’d been able to end it with the smiling line, because its such a gross, gut punch of a line, but I can see how you need the confirmation that he wasn’t just summoning a zombie lady and that this is all deeply upsetting and wrong. Maybe moving the description of her cutting open her mouth to the end would be stronger? I’m not sure, just spit-balling random thoughts.

      The whole thing gave me Fullmetal Alchemist vibes, in the best way. Great work!

    3. Amazing! The creepy messing with the unknown vibes sent shivers down my spine.

      I did have that automatic reaction of “what were you expecting? You did blood magic at night during a thunderstorm, you ticked every box for voodoo” when they first saw the revenant but I think it made the reveal that this shouldn’t be happening hit so much harder.

      The ritual was excellently visualised, I could almost feel the pain from the knife and smell the pine needle venison tartare. Very good I loved it!

  3. Calliope Rannis Avatar
    Calliope Rannis

    The Witch That Stole Her Heart (Nyx’s Story)
    By Calliope Rannis

    So, I may have made the mistake of picking a direct fight with a witch. She hadn’t looked that tough – I figured a couple of good strikes with my rapier could have brought her down…

    …but I hadn’t been prepared for a single spell of hers to instantly paralyse my body.

    Now, all I could do was watch. Watch as this ragged woman steps closer and closer, until she’s right in front of my face.

    “Foolish girl. Did you really think your small share of your master’s magic would ever be enough to contend with us?” She tittered in delight. “You really are an abomination, little girl. But one we can certainly make use of.”

    With that, her hand warped into a long-nailed claw, and punched into my chest with surprising force. I gave a strangled gasp.

    “A heart both living and undead…oh, so much potential for our rituals!” Her claw twists agonisingly inside me as it burrows further within. “What were you to him? An assassin? Such a waste.”

    She peered into my twitching eyes and smiled, almost reassuringly. “But with us, the magic inside you will finally be able to reach its full potential.” Her nails dug deeper, and I wanted to scream. “Really, you should be proud. It’s almost a shame that you won’t live to see-ack!”

    Before my eyes, the witch’s body greyed, shrivelled and withered, and then collapsed entirely…and as the paralysing magic abruptly released its grip, I ended up falling right on top.

    “Well, that was easy.” A sweeter, almost sing-song voice. “Just as my mothers say: ‘A mortal’s magic matters not – if their body be weak, then the Blight shall rot!’”

    I forced my head upwards to find the source, and set my eyes on one of the strangest-looking people I had ever seen.

    She stared back, slightly startled. “Oh! You’re alive.” She stepped forwards cautiously. “Are you a friend, my dear?”

    I glanced at the unrecognisable pile of dusty bones underneath me. I didn’t need much convincing.

    “Uh, yeah! Yeah, I’m a friend! A friend sounds good right about now!”

    1. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      I love how the prompt works in two ways, for Nyx, the magic inside her isn’t enough to save her, and the same ends up being true for her attacker! The irony!

      I love the sweetness of the sing-song rhyme, right after a murder. The juxtaposition of that just works so well. Even without knowing exactly what Nyx is seeing, it isn’t hard to believe she’s one of “the strangest looking people” she’s ever seen (I assume more details on that observation were casualties of the word count, but it still kinda works without knowing more).

      I also love Nyx’s immediate acceptance of “the enemy of my enemy is my friend.” I would certainly want to be her friend after seeing what she could do too!

      Minor grammatical nitpick: You slip into present tense in the line “Watch as this ragged woman steps closer and closer, until she’s right in front of my face” with “steps” and “she’s”.

      One final detail I loved, the “may” in the first line. Like, Nyx is paralyzed and still is only willing to posit that maaaaaaybe mistakes had been made. I just love the (over)confidence that shows, and I mean it does all work out, so how can we judge!

      Great work as usual, Calliope!

    2. MelodyLuna7 Avatar
      MelodyLuna7

      I really liked the personality (I think that’s the right word?) that shone through this piece. Right from the get-go, Nyx’s pride makes her reluctant to fully admit her mistake that got her in this situation. Her panic at the end was also amusing and a bit relatable, as she’s panicking-ly making friends with a powerful stranger.

      The rhyme really stood out to me. It really said a lot about the mysterious character being introduced, but it was also sufficiently creepy in its delivery.

      Another line that stood out to me was “A heart both living and undead…”. It has some interesting implications for future conflicts, as other witches may continue to hunt her for it. But also, it made me interested to learn how her heart became like this, as it seems to be an unusual occurrence in this world based on the dialogue.

      Side note: the witch turning her hand into a weapon like that was absolutely metal.

      Great job!

  4. VulpesRose Avatar
    VulpesRose

    Impending Arrival
    by VulpesRose

    Agatha had done the reading three times, to be sure. She’d changed the question slightly, making sure that the verbiage was as accurate as possible, to alleviate the normal misunderstandings that came with peering into the unknown. But there was no change in the outcome. The meaning was as clear as it was vexatious.

    She ran through the rituals she could pull together in such a short time. A standard blessing was possible, although she wouldn’t have a full moon for maximum potency. She was out of fresh rosemary for summoning good fortune and she wasn’t sure she could get enough people together for a greater banishing of evil (it was a three day weekend after all, and her friends were likely to say she was overreacting).

    Fleeing crossed her mind, but there were too many spies close to home who would notice her sudden flight and report her odd behavior. She had no definitive evidence, but she had long suspected that her movements were already being tracked. There were just too many “coincidences” and “chance encounters” for her liking. So there was really no sense in running (plus she’d promised to help Hazel’s daughter with her potions, and it simply would not do to shirk her commitments to her friends).

    In the end, she straightened her shrine and put out a fresh offering, muttering prayers to the gods to give her the strength and wisdom to see this challenge through. But the gods she prayed to were the gods of her rival as well. They were likely to remain neutral in this encounter, assuming they wouldn’t be outright against her; her adversary’s shrine was always immaculate (a fact she had been reminded of many, many times).

    Despite her lifelong well of knowledge, there were no tricks that could safeguard her, nothing to prevent the inevitable. Even though she knew it was coming, the sharp knock at the door startled Agatha out of her musings. She took a deep breath, put a smile on her face like armor, and opened the door.

    Her mother had arrived for an unannounced visit.

    1. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      I was so confused on this as it went through so many ways of magic that sounded like word salad. Then the last line hit and damn I get that so much. Like rereading it after finishing it, and ya all of this has been a nice ride and just the whole feel of it. Now I wonder how the mother will be if she learned about this.

    2. WolfsbaneX Avatar
      WolfsbaneX

      I love this. You give the reader this idea of this malevolent force or army of conspirators when in reality it’s just Agatha’s mother visiting. Granted we don’t know anything about her mother, so she might be awful. Regardless, I do like this idea of warding against her mother, but it wouldn’t have worked anyway (this could me be looking too much into the subtext). A paranormal twist on a mundane trope. Nicely done.

  5. The Hunter Clan
    By MasaCur

    Otsu crept through the bamboo forest, hunting for her lost friends. Her ears twitched at every sound that passed through the stalks of bamboo, her hand fiercely gripping the shaft of her shakujo staff.

    The tracks ahead of her showed a story of a struggle. A body had slumped to the ground, leaving a clear indication, and beside it, a scrap of red ribbon that Mishonji wore in her hair. She was on the right track.

    A flash from the corner of Otsu’s eye caught her attention, followed by the crack of a gunshot as a bullet struck a nearby bamboo stalk. A spell quickly came to Otsu’s mind, then her lips and hands. Two more gunshots, but the lead balls stopped just inches from Otsu’s outstretched fingers.

    Otsu was being hunted. She knew that now.

    Two riflemen rushed Otsu from the depths of the bamboo forest, bayonets attached to the muzzles of their muskets. She blocked the first thrust with her staff, using the momentum to hit the second one in the chest with the follow through. The impact knocked him back on his feet, and she reversed the momentum, thrusting the base of her staff into the first attacker’s leg, causing him to drop to a knee.

    Where was the third rifleman?

    A light sting hit Otsu in the chest. She looked down at the small iron dart protruding from her, too small and too slow to be stopped by her spell. The third rifleman charged in, musket in one hand, a blowpipe in the other. Otsu tried to raise her staff in defense, but it felt heavy in her hands. Poison. She quickly swept through her memory for the spell to counteract it, but her thoughts were sluggish.

    The staff slipped from her hand. She crumpled to the ground, feeling like she was getting smaller.

    Ryojin Kashiwagi looked down at Otsu, as the cat girl with two tails slipped out of her glamor. “Tie her up, blindfold and gag her. I’m sure my mother will be pleased to examine this one.”

    1. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      That was a well crafted little action scene! I feel like you did a great job of painting the picture of exactly what was happening. I was easily able to follow the beats of the fight and knew where everyone was and what they were doing. You also integrated the magic very well, so it was easy for the reader to follow what the magic was doing, and then later, why it failed.

      There are a lot of open questions here, but I think they serve their purpose well, making the world feel larger and ongoing without leaving the reader stranded wishing they had more information. Your opening helps establish why she’s in the forest and the potential for danger, even if I don’t know who she’s looking for or why. And the ending presents a threat of danger, even though I have no idea what exactly is in store.

      I’m a sucker for Japanese Yokai stories, so I was probably predisposed to like this one, but I think you did a great job here! Keep it up!

  6. Dynamic Dumbasses

    By Green

    It’s early morning, my coffee is nice and hot. I needed one sip before the world, my world could get started.

    Sluuuuuuurp cough cough cough”.

    No such luck.

    “Guys come on” I managed to Splutter ”, you can’t make me laugh after a night like that…ugh my head is still thumping”.

    “SooooRRryyy CAAAsssEEEEy” my dynamic dumbasses sang out. one side of the duet sounded cheeky while the other was mocking. God… these two are so lucky we’re dating.

    pulling out my outdated VisiTab I asked them the first question I had “What can I do for you this morning assholes?”

    Dumbass on the right, Christie, put on her best hurt expression. she said ”Aw don’t be like that Case, I really need your help this morning.” she held up her own VisiTab “this thing crapped out and I can’t save my work.”

    I noticed her device was much newer than mine of course. Perks of being in the administration guess. How I fixed mine wouldn’t work. Guess I’ll have to brainstorm.

    I clicked through settings and debug screens looking for any easy fixes. I had to ask the second question “what’s with Himbo-Houdini over there?” pointing to the left dumbass, Sam. who was currently wearing a pointed purple hat/robe combo with yellow stars on it.

    “First of all Houdini was an escapologist, I’m a wizard you know that.” I did not. “Secondly I’m here for when your non-mystical ass can’t fix it” he taunted waving a black and white wand for me to see.

    “Excuse me!” I was the best fixer in the Regime…he’d have to take that back.

    “I said he could have a go with his hocus pocus if you couldn’t fix it” Christine chimed in.

    “He’s gonna take out back and chant some magic words. If it doesn’t work he makes dinner for all three of us tonight” she giggled.

    Of course, hearing dinner and my reputation were on the line I replied in the only logical way.

    “sexy Saruman over here isn’t even gonna get a go, magic ain’t saving shit today”.

    1. Thanks for sharing, Green:
      The bad: There are a few grammatical errors here. Possibly a missed word or two, improper capitalization. Not sure if you wrote this while tired, or what.
      The good: This story is hilarious. I love the utter disdain the narrator has for the dumbasses. “Himbo-Houdini” and “Sexy Sauruman” got genuine laughs out of me. I really had fun reading it.
      A good proofread would have helped, but I really enjoyed reading this one.

    2. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      That is a need slice of life thing going on here. The whole setup is just a good comedy from the 90’s, and given the fact there was an sitcom about aliens living on earth this seems similar. Granted technomagic will be a fun thing to deal with all this silliness.

  7. vellichorian Avatar
    vellichorian

    The 691st Annual Battle of the Bands
    by vellichorian

    The Velvet Wave was nearing the end of the second verse of their hit song, “Your Arrogant Escape,” and Rupert gestured to Edgar to pull the fuzzy orange earmuffs slung around his neck up to his ears. Exactly one minute and fifty-seven seconds into the song, the band hit the bridge and the lead singer’s voice belted with an increasing intensity that pulled at Edgar’s mind even through his earmuffs. Below the sound booth, the crowd fell still, unblinking. As the song neared its final chorus, the audience swayed in unison, unaware of their motion. The final chord sounded, and Edgar cut the lights, counting to ten while the reverb cleared. He flicked the switch back on, and the audience, including the judges, came to their senses in complete unison — a standing ovation. Rupert removed his earmuffs.

    “You bet against them? Are you daft?” Edgar asked.

    Rupert gave a wheezing chuckle. “I’ve been listening to the rumors. Took a chance they’re right.”

    “But, Velvet Wave has won for the last 250 years at least,” Edgar reminded him. “What rumor could beat that record?”

    Rupert shrugged. “They’ve gotten used to winning. Cocky. Lazy. And look,” he winked and pointed toward a hooded figure standing in the shadows behind the stage right curtain.

    “A wizard? But magical music enhancement is against the rules, isn’t it? I mean, the Wave only get a pass because Vanessa is a quarter siren.” Edgar shuddered. Earmuffs wouldn’t be enough if she were more. Below them, the stage crew was setting up an elaborate drum kit, bigger than Edgar had ever seen.

    “Not a wizard. A necromancer. The magic is just fuel. The band plays the music themselves,” Rupert rubbed his hands together and licked his lips.

    The stage manager gave the go-ahead, and Edgar raised the lights again. Five figures shambled onto the stage as the MC introduced Zom-B-Pocalypse. Edgar rubbed his eyes. Was that Hendrix? Lemmy? Joplin? Peart? And Zappa? Damn. The Waves were in trouble. Rupert might be right. Magic wouldn’t guarantee the win this time.

    1. Dude, I would love to watch this band get resurrected to play. That’s insane. The idea that this is the way to finally beat the juggernaut that is the Velvet Wave, and their multi-century lock on the battle of the bands is to resurrect legends of rock, and then just let their talents slay? Brilliant. Very creative way of tackling the prompt, Vellichorian. Good story.

    2. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      This is such a fun little story!

      I love that the POV is from the guys in the sound booth, more or less neutral observers who are still experts in the field.

      I misread your title as “Battle of the Bards” but was only slightly disappointed that magical music enhancement was against the rules lol

      I just love the world building you accomplish here establishing that magic is fairly common, and well known enough for rules have been made to try to regulate its use in this competition, and then of course the clever work arounds.

      Thanks so much for sharing, your story brought me much joy!

    3. How you captured the hold the ‘quarter’ siren had on the audience was super interesting, almost tugging at the audience in that classic ‘come swim with me’ classic siren song way. Really great

      Oh and then there is Rupert’s character, ultimately he is in it to win a bet and only jumped ship because he did his research and I love it.

      we definitely need a follow-up to this though where the undead bandmates have none of their musical ability because the necromancer only reanimated a shell. Would bring him and his schemes tumbling down lol.

      No one can magic pure talent back to life, Amazing piece.

  8. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
    i-prefer-the-term-antihero

    [Removed]

    1. Ooooh boy, you weren’t kidding about this being a reveal. I definitely didn’t see that coming. Now I’m curious to know what caused him to get banished, and even more curious to know what is causing him to turn things to gold, if not Kairos. I feel like I have a lot more questions than I did going into this, and I can’t wait to see what the answers end up being. Really well done!

    2. Looks like Kronos has the Midas touch when it comes to pissing other people off!

      Jokes aside, this was an interesting read. It’s not every day you see someone narrate in the present tense! I believe this is my first time reading about these characters, so I don’t know for sure, but I suspect this first person narrative has something to do with Kronos himself, considering his namesake. Considering names, the title, too, is spot on. I would imagine that Kronos is fixated on his godhood (or at the very least, his home dimension) if his near mental-breakdown at the thought of not getting back is anything to tell by. This seems to be the start of a terrific, social-distanced adventure, lest he turn his wife, child, and dog into gold by accident.

      My only critiques here have to do with the present tense;

      “At best it’d look like miming.” Saying “it’d” implies “it would” which is past tense. I think it might be better with “At best it looks like miming” if you want to stick with present tense.

      “He’d never felt his heart beat so fast.” Same as the above. “He’d” implies “He had” which is past tense. If you want to stick with present tense, I would suggest changing it to, “He has never felt his heart beat so fast.”

      “Time, marooned on the physical plane, banished from home by the Moment.” I… I actually don’t know how to fix this one. I’m pretty sure “marooned” and “banished” are past tense, but I honestly don’t know how to change this sentence to be present tense. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think there’s a way to talk about the past in present tense, only the present and the future. If I am wrong, please enlighten me because I have no idea.

      Regardless, this was pretty darn tootin’. I look forwards to seeing more of Kronos… Midas… Monos? Kridas?

    3. MelodyLuna7 Avatar
      MelodyLuna7

      I really liked how you nonchalantly described all the things he touched – because it makes sense for someone who’s disoriented to use various things for supports or accidentally fall on various things – and then have it all tie back in the ending when you tell the reader “Remember those things he touched? They’re all gold” was top notch.

      After learning about what kind of person Kronos is, this predicament was very much deserved, and seeing Kairos wreak havoc on him like this did much good to my heart. I was rooting for her as she delivered his comeuppance.

      “Even before he opens his eyes, the light nibbles on Time’s eyelids, and the grass bullies his skin.” This was a really interesting line to start with because it really tells the reader a lot about Kronos – how he feels about being outside (including outside his comfort zone), how he views the world – and it lets them know it’s not pleasant.

      I also really liked how you conveyed his spiral into panic as he fully realized the predicament he was in.

      Overall, you did a great job!

    4. Oh? It’s not cool when someone banishes you to another reality against your will, is it, Kronos? Hm? Hmmmmm?

      Lol all seriousness, this is a very fun story. And I’m assuming Kronos is breaking down and leaving bits of himself on everything he touches leaving the gold behind, which is awesome and terrifying. And it makes that line of the grass bullying his skin, which I was already a big fan of, hit even harder.

      I also like that every time he touches something there is that very specific sensory description to it, which also adds to the reality that parts of him are just being ripped away.

      Kairos is also an amazing character in this as well. I just love the sinister playfulness she has, especially with Kronos being such a serious character. And I will fully admit that I had to look up “schadenfreude” but that is a very good word lol.

      It does make me curious though if Kronos breaks down when he doesn’t have access to his dimension or if someone else is at play here with Kairos’s comment about not being responsible for what was happening to him. In any case, loved this take on the prompt!

    5. WolfsbaneX Avatar
      WolfsbaneX

      Wait. Kronos is King Midas?! And he’s been trapped… Interesting. The idea of Time himself cut off from his realm is honestly terrifying. It feels like time is much more malleable and less inevitable. It also makes Kronos feel more human, which makes his fear here much more palpable. I’m not sure what to make of Kairos at this moment, but her characterization is strong and I really like her mischievous, bubbly personality. Nicely done.

  9. Glaceon373 Avatar
    Glaceon373

    Avoiding the Pain (Fuchsia) (please don’t read on stream)
    by Carrie (Glaceon373)

    Fuchsia turned a page.

    She was delicate with these pages. In part because it was a library book, her sixth of the month, but also because this was a book that deserved to be treated delicately. It had earned it.

    The words flowed over her brain like syrup. Slightly chunky syrup, but it still tasted good. She let the words swallow her attention, let the fantastical descriptions fill her mind.

    She was ignoring the knocks at her door.

    If she kept ignoring them, she believed, then eventually she wouldn’t hear them anymore. But it wasn’t working.

    “Hey, Fufu?”

    Fuchsia turned another page.

    “Fuchsia? Can I please come in?”

    Silence.

    A sigh. “I have to leave in five minutes. I gotta say goodbye.”

    More silence.

    “… What are you hiding in this time? Loud music? Some art thing? Another high fantasy novel? Can you even hear me right now?”

    No response.

    “Fufu, I have to go to college. I have to. And you’re gonna be fine without me. I made Mom promise that. And fall break’s just around the corner, if you think about it. So why are you so scared of me leaving?”

    Tears didn’t make noises when they rolled down cheeks.

    “Who am I kidding, I don’t even know if you can hear me. Or even if you’re in there. I guess I’ll just go then, okay? Goodbye?”

    Fuchsia slammed her book shut and tore open her door, throwing herself into her sister’s arms.

    “Woah, hey there,” she said as she staggered backwards, laughing lightly. “Be careful with the ribs, huh?”

    Fuchsia didn’t let go.

    She sighed. “I’ll miss you, Fufu. But I’ll see you soon, okay? Just a month or two and Azzy’ll be right back here, and you can tell me all about the books you’ve read, okay?” She gave Fuchsia one last squish.

    Fuchsia let go, but didn’t look up. In less than a minute, the book was open again and the words flowed over her brain once more.

    If she ignored the car leaving the driveway, she believed, it would be like it never happened.

    1. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      This is such a neat take on the prompt! I love that the magic is that of a fantasy world, an escapism in the form of fantasy, that can’t save her from the pain of the real world. It just speaks quietly to the magic in fiction, the power of well written prose to carry the reader away. And of course, that’s a sentiment near and dear to all of our hearts.

      You do such a good job in this story and others (I’m thinking of your No Longer Human one) of showing the pains of real life and the struggle of just being a person who loves others. As a group, I think we skew toward the fantastic, but its very refreshing to see a simple story like this that is so relatable in many ways. You are excellent at grounding the characters and showing the conflict and pain rather than telling it directly to the reader.

      I went back and forth on if I liked that you never revealed why Fuchsia was scared of her sister leaving, but I’ve decided that I am for it. Not spelling out an exact reason allows the reader to reflect on all the fears they have experienced when family or friends go away. And even if they would not match up with Fuchsia’s exact fears, it makes her relatable and sympathetic. I have no siblings to have experienced this exact situation with, and I still felt for her deeply.

      I LOVE the repetition in the last line (and that you didn’t include the “it wasn’t working” part the second time, because the reader knows it isn’t).

      My only minor critique is with the lines “Silence.” “More Silence.” and “No response.” I feel like this might be a word limit issue, but these lines felt disconnected from Fuchsia and didn’t flow as well as her side of the not-conversation as the ones around them. Like maybe, “She didn’t respond” would flow better than “No response.” I’m not sure, but that was the only thing that bugged me a little.

      But “Tears didn’t make noises when they rolled down cheeks” was wonderful, and maybe its just so good that it makes the things before it look weaker in comparison.

      Overall a very touching piece. I don’t know anything else about Fuchsia and if she has a larger story, but this story worked very well for me. Thanks so much for sharing!

  10. MelodyLuna7 Avatar
    MelodyLuna7

    You can DM me on Discord for the details!

    1. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      I’m not sure I understand what’s at stake here. There’s contact missing. She bumps into an abusive cop in front of the station. And she’s in trouble for that?

      I think you do an excellent job of escalating the stakes, despite the missing context. She’s got a problem and her usual methods won’t fix it. She needs help and doesn’t want to accept it, presumably due to pride. That’s all clear and wonderfully written.

      Great job!

    2. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      I think the reason I really like this piece is because I am reminded of Hitchcock’s take on suspense. The bomb under the table is Luetta herself, able to explode at any time (if she wasn’t “dry,” at least). It’s not obvious from the beginning from the text alone, but given the context of the prompt and her opening words, it’s clear she could lay someone out if she wanted to. This is compounded by the fact that this would still not save her, as her positioning right in front of the Greycoat fortress would still cause her demise even if she did have her magic. The logical conclusion of this situation is a failure of her pride, but the introduction of Emery and their humility and kindness saves the day, trumping magic in this case. Everything flows neatly and the tension is high!

      I only wish I could see what Emery says to smooth the situation over.

      One small critique: I’m not quite sure what the Greycoat means by “patron.” Does he mean a godly patron? Luetta’s guardian? Or something else? This is probably due to the fact that I have no idea what a Greycoat is in relation to the society in this world. It could be clearer, but it doesn’t detract from the narrative at all.

      Wonderful! I look forwards to reading your next piece!

    3. I like the subtle worldbuilding in this, it was well done. We know the Greycoats don’t view commoners very kindly, and presumably really don’t like Larouges. Luetta’s internal debate was a nice touch. I’m curious what she would have done if she had magic at her disposal.

      I like that they seem to respect Emery though, or at least tolerate him more. Is that just because he’s a man, or because they suspect Luetta of being a witch, I wonder.

      This was great, good job!

  11. A Life Undeserved (Illusions of Heroes)
    by Gerrit (Rattus)

    Serennia dropped to her knees, staining her trousers with the blood that spread from Emrys’ now lifeless body. Tears traced sombre paths down her cheeks as she took his hand in her own.

    “I’m so sorry.” Her voice was barely more than a whisper, any further strength quickly draining from her body. “I wasn’t enough.”

    The last remnants of opalescence faded from her veins, the warmth beneath her skin giving way to a pained chill, her magic more exhausted than it had been in years. Every ounce of her power had been brought to bear in the fight. Still, it wasn’t enough.

    She wasn’t enough.

    Emrys had always insisted on alternatives to killing. He truly believed that any problem could be solved without death. It had been a hard lesson, but one that Serennia eventually accepted.

    When she heard the breath forced from his lungs, saw the spear protruding from his chest, all of that had been forgotten. In that moment she became a whirlwind of death. A storm of blades that left nothing in its wake.

    Now she was left hollow amidst a sea of undeserved death. A single weed among a garden of trampled flowers.

    She had broken her promise. She swore to him that killing would be a last resort only, that she would strive to solve her problems through other means. Yet when things got difficult, all of that went away. Was she so weak that she would betray her word the moment it was tested?

    “Please forgive me.” She leaned forward and pressed her forehead against his. Her hand cupped the back of his head, fingers intertwined with his hair. “I’m sorry.”

    She had become the weapon that so many before had tried to make her. Gave in to the power that surged within her. Yet Emrys was still dead.

    All she had to show for her surrender to these base instincts was a battalion of dead men and women that deserved life. She was the only one in the valley that deserved death, and the only one that it hadn’t come for.

    1. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      Well, I guess that’s one way to avoid confusion between Emery and Emrys…

      I like the structure of this piece. We see the immediacy of her problem then, slowly widening the view, you show us the details and how she got here.

      The fragmented lines work well for this piece as well. I don’t think they often do, and frequently get overused, but they work here.

      Good job!

    2. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      “Now she was left hollow amidst a sea of undeserved death. A single weed among a garden of trampled flowers.”

      Oof.

      I feel like this one line encapsulates everything I like about this piece: the conflict is clear and concise, the imagery is beautiful, and the message of the story is compelling and is (sadly) relevant to current affairs. Death is very clearly the most direct way of clearing an issue, but the easiest way isn’t necessarily the right way. I like how you highlight the fact that it was the easy way that lead to the most dark outcome, and that Serennia has room to grow. This definitely reads as one of the most defining moments of Serennia’s character.

      And damn it. First character name similarities, and now we’re using the same damn imagery and themes, too? I wanted to use flowers to juxtapose my murder monster… =(

      As usual, this was a pleasure to read. I can’t wait for next week!

    3. MelodyLuna7 Avatar
      MelodyLuna7

      “Tears traced sombre paths down her cheeks as she took his hand in her own.” This was an amazing line and really set the tone exceedingly well for this piece. And the rest of the piece certainly did live up to the expectations that line set for me. Serennia’s emotions and inner conflict were portrayed very well, and the line “Was she so weak that she would betray her word the moment it was tested?” really drove that conflict home. Awesome job!

  12. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
    RVMPLSTLTSKN

    The Duel
    By RVMPLSTLTSKN (The Saga of The Deep One’s Wake)

    The spirit manifested behind the shaman as xe said, “My name is Jabil-Tai.”

    Osareph smiled slightly. The shamans from the days before the godslayer were formidable and adept miracleworkers, though some called them “spirit wrestlers.” A derogatory name for the way they mastered their people. This one had a pet.

    His own power was strong, but he knew the danger in underestimating a shaman.

    He decided on tact, “Apologies. I did not realise any of your kind had survived. I have had to deal with petty warlords and raiding clans for so long, I assumed you were just another one of their ilk.”

    Xe lifted xir chin. “Give me the girl.”

    His lip cracked as he smiled further. “I cannot do that.”

    Xir staff raised.

    “She has caused harm in Tukminaluk, so in Tukminaluk she stays until her punishment is met.”

    “I know about your punishments. You will leave me with nothing but a bloody corpse. That is no justice for my people.”

    “Your dead would rest easier if you made them,” he said, gesturing to xir pet spirit.

    “Our dead have moved on. It is the living who need justice.”

    “If they are living these days, they must be accustomed to disappointment.”

    Xe scowled, xir broad face like a war god’s statue.

    “Single combat then, little priest. Like our apprentices used to come here for.”

    He knew what she meant. Shamans would come and challenge priests in duels of power. Many errant spellings or suddenly feral spirits killed shamans and priests alike.

    He eyed xir pet and knew he had never seen anything like it.

    “Prepare your spells. I want to not see your city by sunset.”

    He began scratching his knife in the dirt, forming miracle worker’s spellings.

    “The stakes?”

    “I win, you give me the girl.”

    “I win, you all leave.”

    “And never return?” Xe asked.

    “I do not think that is a concern,” he said.

    “I understand the stakes. Are you done?”

    He cut through the farce at his feet and felt a burn inside as he became a conduit for the miracle: a lightning bolt.

    1. This was an interesting read for sure. The dialogue flowed well, and the short sentences between added to the overall atmosphere of the piece. I’m curious to learn more about this shaman and the pet.

      I like that their are different methods of dealing with spirits, presumably varying between cultures and ages. Definitely a nice touch.

      This was a great piece, well done!

  13. Oh Sure, I’ve Heard THAT One Before…
    By Marx (CW: Horror)

    “You can teach me magic?” Murphy asked wide-eyed.

    Cassie chuckled softly. “Normal humans can learn magic. And you’ve clearly got some incubus blood in you.”

    Murphy’s face fell. “Not nearly enough to matter…”

    Cassie closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. “Oh… trust me. It’s there…”

    “Are you… sniffing me?”

    “I just… need to get used to it.” Her eyes opened with an ominous red glow as she smiled back coyly.

    Murphy immediately looked away. “I’ll… take your word on that…”

    “Don’t worry. I have enough magic for the both of us. I’ll protect you.”

    ***

    Murphy curled into the tightest ball he could manage and tried to cut himself off from his senses.

    His closed eyes only made it worse. He could still feel the blood pooling around him and Lord knows he could smell it. And he could hear the wet crunching noises as Cassie’s fading voice apologized for failing him, pleading for him not to run.

    As if he’d be able to outrun that thing if he tried. Besides, it was night. Demons were so much worse during the night and if he started sweating in the open air…

    You only make that mistake once.

    He’d just been lucky Cassie got him away that time.

    The crunching stopped. It was eerily quiet now as he could feel its eyes staring at him.

    “There there, pretty boy. Don’t be afraid. I won’t hurt you.”

    Murphy forced his eyes open. She looked human. She looked beautiful. He knew that both were lies. Still, he pasted a smile on his face. “…hi. I’m Murphy.”

    Despite her recent meal, her eyes were still wide in hunger, but the smile that spread across her lips was almost sweet. “Hi Murphy! I’m Nisha. It’s so nice to meet you. You… smell REALLY good…”

    Even though Murphy screamed inside, he willed himself to keep smiling. “Thank you. You’re really pretty.”

    “That’s so sweet.” Nisha licked her lips, slowly approaching him. “So… very sweet…”

    “…please don’t eat me…”

    Nisha smiled so widely it became uncomfortable to watch. “Silly boy. I’ll never eat you. I’ll protect you.”

    1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Me: *Sees the warning*
      Me: Oh no. Horror can be really hit or miss for me. This’ll either scare me, or I’ll love it
      Me: IT’S LOVE IT, BABYYY

      I do think it adds to the piece to start with a happy scene, and I like how the sweet scene gets broken. I also like how both him smelling good and the “I’ll protect you” are mirrored darkly at the end.

      “Murphy curled into the tightest ball he could manage and tried to cut himself off from his senses.”
      –What an opening to the second half!! You could have just stopped at the first half of the sentence, but the idea of him so scared he’s trying to cut himself off from his senses is so much more powerful.

      “His closed eyes only made it worse. He could still feel the blood pooling around him and Lord knows he could smell it. And he could hear the wet crunching noises as Cassie’s fading voice apologized for failing him, pleading for him not to run.”
      –All the sensory descriptions are incredible. It makes it so much more freaky and visceral than simply saying the action of what happened.
      When closing your eyes doesn’t help you know things are at their worst. And the “wet crunching noises as Cassie…” is of course the horrid climax of all the sensory details. Wet crunching noises are terrifying enough, but knowing it’s your friend…*shudders.*

      “Demons were so much worse during the night and if he started sweating in the open air…
      You only make that mistake once.”
      –“You only make that mistake once” is powerful on its own, but the fact that it’s about sweating in the open is certainly a particularly terrifying image. Really makes the horror seem unavoidable.

      “Murphy forced his eyes open. She looked human. She looked beautiful. He knew that both were lies.”
      –Fantastic line. Probably my favorite line.

      “Still, he pasted a smile on his face. “…hi. I’m Murphy.”
      –This is so shocking and powerful and adds to the horror in a great way. You really would not expect him to say that so it really adds an extra “Oh god” aspect to the piece.

      “Despite her recent meal, her eyes were still wide in hunger”
      –Incredible image

      I absolutely love their continued nice-and-casual back and forth. It adds so much to the horror of the piece because it’s so discordant and unexpected.
      And I love how it ends on a poor, scared boy’s tiny “please don’t eat me” That he’s trying to maintain the facade, but in the end he just breaks. Either that or he’s hoping talking to her nicely first will make her actually oblige.

      “Silly boy. I’ll never eat you. I’ll protect you.”
      –Now this…this is a very interesting ending.
      Is this because
      a) She smelled his incubus blood and decided he was friend not food?
      b) All demons–or maybe all succubi– have an instinct to protect him–Cassie being one of them too, as well as the one that attacked them before?
      c) She absorbed Cassie’s personality and desire to protect him?

      I do have some critiques, and they mainly have to do with this line:

      “Cassie chuckled softly. “Normal humans can learn magic. And you’ve clearly got some incubus blood in you.”
      Murphy’s face fell. “Not nearly enough to matter…”
      –Was she supposed to say “Normal humans *can’t* learn magic”? because if normal humans *can* ….then it doesn’t matter if he has incubus blood, right? He can learn magic anyways? She basically said “I can teach you magic and you have a little extra potential too.” And he’s like “Not enough potential obviously.” …I’m confused.

      Also, the magic thing honestly felt rather unimportant–and even like it detracted. I got very confused by it. I know that was the fulfilling of the prompt. But I almost feel like this piece would have worked better for a different prompt so that didn’t need to be there, and the other mirrors could really shine.

      What is the title supposed to reference? I love it, as I always do your titles XD But I felt like I didn’t quite get it at the end.

      Is Murphy a part of you universe at large or just a random character you made up for this week?

      I’m kinda sad that you were picked last week, because now I really want to read scared boy vs scary sexy demon out loud XD

      Great job!!

    2. Skeleton Avatar
      Skeleton

      You’ve definitely nailed the horror of this scene on it’s head.The crunching of Cassie’s body was an excellent descriptor of her demise and leaves how mutilated she is to the imagination, though I don’t think you need to describe it as a “noise.”

      My critiques of this all stem from the question, “What’s the point of…?” I find myself lost on the reasons why there’s the conversation on magic preceding the horror, and on certain character choices. On the topic of magic–yes, it’s interesting that there’s magic in this extended world, and that creatures such as incubi exist. However, I feel as if our grasp on how powerful Cassie’s magic really is, is lacking. If there were some kind of indicator of any variety other than Cassie saying the equivalent of “just trust me,” then I feel that the shock of her failing to protect Murphy would land harder.

      The other thing I was questioning was Murphy’s interaction with Nisha. If monsters are how you describe, and Murphy is truly mortified by them as he seems, then why would he ever respond to Nisha? At that point, shouldn’t he believe he’s as good as dead? No questioning why he’s still alive? It just seems odd to me that his first response to the monster that literally murdered his friend brutally is a greeting and an introduction.

      Regardless, I do like the world building in this piece! Keep up the good work!

      1. Huh… you’re right. I probably could have taken ‘noise’ out of that sentence. Good call. I’ll keep stuff like that in mind.

        And I do agree that showing Cassie being badass might have made her death more surprising, but I decided to try and get her personality in a bit more and the word count was not my friend in this one lol. I needed the words much more for the second half which does leave the first half a little lacking, but I hope it still gets the points across.

        As for why Murphy would try to play nice with a demon who just ate his friend? Lol he’s unfortunately been through this before. He knows he’s more likely to survive (when its only one demon) if he plays nice and doesn’t offend them. Lol which I had in no way the words to get across.

        I’m glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the review!

    3. Calliope Rannis Avatar
      Calliope Rannis

      Ahhh this is a fun little horror story here. The beginning and end of a loop of compulsion and obsession, with the end transitioning immediately into the start of another. Yup. it’s not her magic that will protect him. It’s his own delicious, delicious-smelling blood that protects him from horrible violence instead. XD

      I just wonder how often this loop has happened to him before. Was Cassie the first, or did she kill the demon that had attached to him before then? Either way, this whole cycle clearly helps that title make sense…

      I think the most subtly creepy thing about this piece is Cassie begging Murphy *not* to run. Now maybe that’s just cos of the sweat thing, but I feel like the real reason is just that she’s so addicted to his smell that she can’t bear to be away from it, even as she’s literally being eaten alive. If that is the case…well, Murphy might be more powerful than he knows. If only he could use it actively instead of by accident…

      Great work Marx! ^w^

  14. Skeleton Avatar
    Skeleton

    Vicious Vixens (The Will)
    By Skeleton (Edited by MelodyLuna7)

    “Five against two ain’t bad odds in my book—especially with these babies!” The bandit captain laughed as he and his cronies affixed the ornate, wooden plaques to their upper arms. “That magic of yours won’t save you now, Witch, now that it serves us, too!”

    Zaila took a step between Remianna and the men, raising her claws up to fight. She had to buy the mage enough time to retreat and get her colleagues, but five-on-one odds wasn’t something she was ready for yet.

    Despite the dire threat on their lives, the White Witch began to giggle with a shake of her head. “Magic?” the dragoness began to tease, gently bringing the young girl back behind her. “Oh, please do give us a demonstration of this magic you speak so highly of.”

    “You asked for it!” the wulack commander sneered as he reeled back his fist, thrusting it forwards towards the dragonesses.

    Zaila flinched, but not much else happened.

    The robbers’ overconfidence broke once they realize their inability to work said device, beginning to glance towards their leader anxiously. “C’mon… work damn it!” the leader seethed as the punched the air again and again in hopes that the magic would manifest itself.

    “That Crystalline Reinforced Essence Stability Transmuter isn’t a toy, you know,” the White Witch continued to tease; moving forwards towards the men slowly with her hips and tail swaying entrancingly. “Those prototypes can drain their user’s life essence completely.” The bandit’s eyes immediately stopped ogling the radiant scales on her legs and filled with fear. “I hear essence sickness isn’t a very pleasant way to die.”

    “Then we’ll kill you the good, ol’ fashioned way!” the wulack man gloated maliciously as he and his men reached for their swords.

    “Please,” Remianna scoffed. “You’re about as proficient with those deathtraps as you are with those things on your hips.”

    The White Witch raised her arm, the multiple gemstones in her ivory C.R.E.S.T. beginning to glow with colourless life essence. “But if you insist…” she began with a wink, several claws of stone rising from the dirt.

    “Let’s dance.”

    1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      You know, it’s funny, when I saw the title, even though I know vixen can mean a scary, sexy woman, I was like “Do we have fox ladies??!” XD
      Still a great story,, even if I’m slightly disappointed in the lack of fox ladies XD
      (Wulack are dog people though, aren’t they?)

      It’s really neat to see Remianna in badass mode. We’ve seen her being kind to Eymir, and her after a long journey of searching for something important–a journey which likely made her into this–but nothing of the true White Witch yet. It’s terrifying and cool, especially after last week’s piece. (She feels like a quintessential “Mark me down for scared AND horny” kind of character XD)
      It does make a bit more sense now as to why she is able to be more of a peer with Eymir though now.
      It also makes the tender scene from before all that more sweet, knowing it’s not necessarily her default personality.

      “Five against two ain’t bad odds in my book—especially with these babies!”
      –This is a fantastic setup to the scene. It tells us what’s going on, it gives us a curious hint to another important aspect, and it’s in a character’s voice so it feels like it’s inside the scene, and not just exposition for the audience.

      I love the little bit of internal monologue Zaila has. She seems quite brave–“I know I am not ready but I’ll do it anyways.” It’s especially neat because we are put in exactly the same headspace as her, and thereby just as surprised when Remianna goes against those expectations. I always think one of the best ways to accomplish a mystery is to tell them things are one way with certainty, and then show them it’s not. Even though this isn’t a mystery, it’s still a great technique, which is hard to do in a short story. Well done!

      “the White Witch began to giggle with a shake of her head. “
      —Why does she already feel powerful and terrifying before she says anything?!

      The bandits unable to work the magic is a really fun scene and take on the prompt.

      “Zaila flinched but not much else happened.”
      —I love this. It’s much more powerful than “Nothing happened” and it really shows us Zaila’s headspace.

      “Those prototypes can drain their user’s life essence completely.”
      —This is a neat mechanic that reminds me of Eymir’s powers…but I can’t help but wonder why Remianna and Zaila were using them, then. Unless dragons have a lot of life essence or a way of protecting it.

      “You’re about as proficient with those deathtraps as you are with those things on your hips.”
      –Great line.

      What is the “CREST” and why is it capitalized?

      Also, as always, I love how you describe the action of the piece.

      I do have a couple critiques. None that detracted all that much from the story though.

      The namedrop of “That Crystalline Reinforced Essence Stability Transmuter isn’t a toy, you know.” It felt like it was info for the reader more than for the characters. And the reader doesn’t really need to have that info, because she explains what it does next. I feel like saying “That isn’t a toy” or “What you’re holding is a powerful weapon, not a toy” would have worked better.

      I really liked all the mentions of Zaila, but it felt like by the end she wasn’t really important to the story. I would have loved to have her say or do a little more. Maybe simply the piece ending on Zaila being even more impressed (and potentially scared) than the bandits would have been enough? Either that or I think, despite liking her parts of the story, taking her out could have made it smoother.

      “The bandit’s eyes immediately stopped ogling the radiant scales on her legs and filled with fear”
      –I can’t decide if I should critique this or not. This did confuse me on my first read, but on my second it made more sense.
      Basically she was swaying seductively, and some of the bandits took notice, right?
      I think what made it odd is that only the leader was mentioned before, and he was focused on the situation, so it seemed odd to cut to a random bandit ogling her. Also I think the other thing is that one scary line comes before that, so it seems odd that only the mention of the sickness, not its cause, would scare him. But I realize that’s nitpicky.

      Wonderful job!! Hooray for badass dragon ladies!!

    2. I know basically nothing about this White Witch, but I already love her. She has so much sass, and I can’t wait to see more of her and learn more about her.

      The worldbuilding here was good, I’m intrigued by these C.R.E.S.T.s and what they can do. It sounds like the risk can be pretty high, so I imagine they’re capable of some pretty cool shit.

      This piece was a joy to read!

    3. MelodyLuna7 Avatar
      MelodyLuna7

      I really loved the tone of this piece! It gave me the sense that it wasn’t trying to take itself too seriously, and it was leading up to a really fun fight scene. For example, when the robbers try to use the device, and their desperate in-the-moment realization that they didn’t know how to use it gave the scene a humorous tone. It made me pretty excited for when you write it!

      I also really liked Remianna’s confidence in this piece. Her casual attitude while facing off five bandits – and her verbal decimation of them – made me think she is a badass. Not to mention it’s a great contrast to last week’s piece! Awesome job!

    4. Lol this was amazing. I love how you introduce the idea of the 5 on 1 situation and you begin to worry for Remianna and Zaila, only for it to be a non issue.

      Silly bandits. You always test the weapons first. Lol I do love that even if they HAD figured out how to use them, they still would have been draining their own essence. I’m assuming that’s why they’re a prototype? Or that it’s a matter of being aware that they drain your essence and controlling how much it takes. Either way this was a very fun scene and all hail the White Witch. She was frickin glorious through the whole story and I’ve no doubt she wrecked the lot of them lol.

      Great take on the prompt!

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