Writing Group: A Taste of Eternity (PRIVATE)

Hello, Augurs and Alchemists! 

Come on, just one little bite? Maybe a lick? I know it’s dangerous. But one taste can’t hurt, right? Because….

This week’s Writing Group prompt is:

A Taste of Eternity

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

Eternity can mean many things. It can be a beautiful gift, or a terrible punishment, depending on the story you want to tell. But something I love about this prompt is that it’s not just about someone living forever, it’s about someone “tasting” eternity. This could be a taste they are familiar with—even a taste they have come to despise. But usually this phrase is used when someone says they’re getting a first sample of something. Like getting a taste of ice cream before buying a bowl of it. Or giving a young adult their first taste of beer. What is it to get a taste test of eternity? 

It may make you think of a heavenly sort of eternity. Maybe you think of Greek gods and goddesses. Such as Psyche, who became a goddess after drinking ambrosia. Or Persephone, who was already a goddess, but who became bound to the Underworld for eternity because she ate the pomegranate seeds. You could write about the first time Sisyphus rolled the boulder up the hill, realizing what his eternal punishment would be like. You could even write about Zeus’ eagle getting a taste of Prometheus’ eternal liver. 

You could write about the undeath sort of eternity, such as vampires, ghosts, zombies, or liches. Could someone get a taste for what it is to be a vampire without being one? Perhaps someone expresses they want to be a vampire, and their vampire friend shows them the horrors of their day-to-day life to give them a taste of what their eternity is like. Maybe a ghost tells the one person who can see them what their eternity is like, and tries to help them avoid it. Maybe a lich sets up a simulation to show their protege how awesome it is to be a lich.

Or, for a more realistic take, you could write about an addict who believes their substance of choice lets them taste eternity—literally or figuratively. You could write about someone trying a drug for the first time, and after that first taste, they can’t stop. You could write about someone trying to stop, and having difficulty because they refuse to abandon that taste they got of eternity. 

Going back to my first example, you could also write a wacky and hilarious story where eternity is a literal food. Maybe an ice cream shop has a new flavor called “Eternity” and your character tastes it, only to remark that eternity tastes a lot like bananas. 

My challenge for you this week is to really try to place the reader in the mind of the character experiencing eternity—especially if it is their first taste of it. This is sort of a telling vs showing exercise. You guys are usually quite good at this, but I want you to go even deeper this week. Whether it is something sweet and beautiful, or something sickeningly horrible…or if it just vaguely tastes like bananas, I want to feel what the character is feeling when they taste it. 

Alright fine. If you’re gonna be like that, I’ll just get my taste of eternity from another supplier.

—Kaylie 

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

Tune into the stream this Saturday at 3:00pm CST to see if you made the cut!

The whole purpose of this is to show off the creativity of the community, while also helping each other to become better writers. Lean into that spirit! Get ready not just to share what you’ve got, but to give back to the other writers here as well.

Rules and Guidelines

We read at least five stories during each stream, two of which come from the public post, and three of which come from the much smaller private post. Submissions are randomly selected by a bot, but likes on your post will improve your chances of selection, so be sure to share your submission on social media!

  1. Text and Formatting

    1. English only.
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    3. Use proper spelling, grammar, and syntax.
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  2. What to Submit

    1. Keep submissions “safe-for-work”; be sparing with sexuality, violence, and profanity.
    2. Try to focus on making your submission a single meaningful moment rather than an entire story.
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Comments on this post that aren’t submissions will be deleted, except for replies/reviews left on existing submissions.


Comments

27 responses to “Writing Group: A Taste of Eternity (PRIVATE)”

  1. jesse fisher Avatar
    jesse fisher

    The Endless
    by Jesse Fisher

    I looked out to the sky, it sparkled without the brightest star to over shine it. They twinkle from the years that it took to come to this one moment. This was a time that was as fleeting as the lack of solar light. Some of this were delayed by minutes or hours but the closer I looked with tools time began to reverse.

    The stars born when the ancient empires fell could still be seen now, the deaths of whole systems enclosed in tombs that we will only know years after we find them.We can see so far into the past, and that lead to this.

    —-

    My obsession brought me to an internship at the largest telescope in the world, the visual type not the radio type. I moved to replace an older astronomer that was going off to publish a scifi novel that they wrote here while looking at the skies.

    Much respect to them but this is where the true history will be found, the latest data of the oldest light is where I will start looking. Where I could look into the, as some would call it, eyes of god. I know that this will be fool hardy as I have no clue what is after the bang or just a red giant expanding before exploding.

    This will be the thing I will go down in history for.

    —-

    It was my last day, three decades on and off here, I did get my wish. To see time long since past but it was not what a younger version wanted. It was still a passion, but passion changed once I saw my taste was satisfied.

  2. The Immortal’s Paella
    By MasaCur

    Ibrahim scurried about the kitchen, stirring the paella, and grabbing ingredients. His colorful suit was covered in an equally colorful, whimsical apron. Perched on his bald head was a chef’s cap.

    “Miguel, you are in for a treat today! Normally, you would be my underling. But today, it is my distinct pleasure to serve you, and prepare a meal. Specifically, I am making you paella, just like my abuela made for me.”

    Miguel raised an eyebrow. “Si, Master. Are you sure you still remember how to cook? I don’t remember you ever doing so before. And you have been alive for centuries now. Perhaps your brain has…deteriorated with age.”

    Ibrahim glared at Miguel, his eyes flaringred. “Look here, Miguel! Just because, as an immortal lich, I no longer need to engage in the banalities of eating, does not mean that I have forgotten how to cook. I am a genius, with a mind like a steel trap!”

    “Si,si. But, even steel can rust with age, Master.” A smirk crossed his lips as he said this. However, Miguel did have to admit, the smell coming from the kitchen was mouth-watering.

    Ibrahim tasted the paella. “It seems to be missing something.” His bony hands snatched jars from the spice cabinet, his spidery fingers threw in pinches of one powder after another. He tried it again, pondered the results, shrugged, and took the pan off the stove top. “Dinner is served!”

    Miguel looked at the plate filled with golden rice, shellfish, and vegetables that was set in front of him. He took a bite, and his sinus cavities were instantly assaulted by a pungency he had never encountered before. His mouth went instantly dry from an overindulgence of salt.

    “How is it, Miguel?” Ibrahim earnestly asked. “ I was worried that the paella is not correctly spiced. The paprika seems to be a little…off.”

    “Off?” Miguel coughed. “Paprika is all I can taste! Paprika and spice! You are an idiot!”

    “I am not!”

    “And I am a moron. Your stupid immortal lich tongue is so dead it can’t taste a thing!”

  3. VulpesRose Avatar
    VulpesRose

    When Epilogue Becomes Prologue
    by VulpesRose

    “I don’t understand, Master.” He could no longer sweep the floor. It felt too ordinary, too pedestrian after everything they had been through. He didn’t see how he could be expected to go back to the way things were before.

    “Understand what, my young apprentice?”

    He stared at his master, sitting in his chair, smoking his pipe, as though the last ten months hadn’t occurred at all. “How could you give up such power?”

    The master, as was his custom, did not answer immediately. He exhaled a ring of smoke and watched as it drifted toward the ceiling. When he did answer, he did so with a question.

    “Do you know what I felt when I held the orb?”

    “Powerful? Extraordinary? Immense?”

    “Lonely.”

    “Lonely?”

    “In that moment I existed in all places, throughout all of time, all at once. I was omnipotent and omnipresent. And I was overcome by loneliness. Because such power cannot have an equal, and so such an existence is doomed to be one of isolation.”

    “But with such power, what need have you of equals?”

    The master laughed. “You still have much to learn.”

    Later, in his room, the apprentice removed a small bundle from under the floorboards. Wrapped carefully inside was but a sliver of the Orb of Onirim, the beacon of magic that had directed so much of their lives over the past year. And now it was shattered, reduced to this.

    He carefully held the piece in his hand. His master had gotten a taste of the power of the orb, but now all that remained was an echo. There was no power here. But there could perhaps be again.

    As he held the shard, he felt a pull eastward, and he knew that another piece of the orb was there, just waiting to be reunited with his piece.

    Perhaps his master was correct. He might still have much to learn. But perhaps it was time for a different teacher.

    He packed his meager possessions, placing the fragment in a small satchel worn close to his heart, and was gone by morning.

  4. Norman Gray Avatar
    Norman Gray

    Lobster, Tiramisu, Eternal Slumber
    By Norman Gray

    Stasis.

    Mayhew hated that word.

    Too late had the courts been established and the proper confinements built; the jurisdictions not set until crime was already rampant across the cosmos.

    Stasis was supposed to be a stop-gap, a convenient means to incarcerate the accused until their sentencing. But Mayhew knew now that it was a lie, nothing more than final frontier justice. . . Detainees were stuffed into cryo-chambers, to await trials that never came.

    It was no better than a death sentence.

    Vicky had been lucky. She was caught well before things had gotten out of hand, and well before the agency started taking these cruel shortcuts. But it seemed her luck was running out.

    Mayhew took a deep breath, as he approached her cell for what would likely be the last time.

    “Detective. . . You seem rather somber. Bad news, I take it?”

    He sighed. “There’s new evidence in the Centurion case, apparently. They plan on sending you to Camelopardalis to eventually stand trial. . . You’ll be kept in Stasis until then.”

    She gave a solemn nod, knowing the implications. “Eternal slumber.”

    “I’m trying to find an alternative,” Mayhew said. “Any ideas?”

    Vicky smiled. “Lobster.”

    He thought he’d misheard her. “Come again?”

    “Lobster. Caesar salad, hold the croutons. Red wine, and a slice of Tiramisu. . . A fine last meal, wouldn’t you agree?”

    He grew tense. “Vicky, I-”

    “And some Espresso, to accompany dessert. Easily obtainable for a resourceful fellow like yourself, Detective.”

    He could feel the tears building. He closed his eyes.

    “Surely you didn’t think our acquaintanceship would have a happy ending, did you Mr. Mayhew?”

    ‘No,’ he thought. He supposed he didn’t.

    But this wasn’t what he signed up for; a one-size-fits-all penalty, forced upon every alleged perpetrator purely for convenience.

    Maybe his superiors were right; the two of them had become too close. Maybe Victoria had gotten in his head. . .

    But he wouldn’t let this happen. “I’m getting you out of this.” He told her.

    “You can’t save me, Detective.”

    ‘I can try,’ Mayhew thought. ‘I have to try.’

    1. WolfsbaneX Avatar
      WolfsbaneX

      Cyberpunk noir was not what I was expecting, but I loved it all the same. You very quickly establish what stasis is and how people have come to terms with it. Or rejected the idea as Mayhew has, so it seems. I also like the reason he has to despise this sentencing tactic. I’d love to see this idea explored more! Nicely done!

      1. Norman Gray Avatar
        Norman Gray

        Much appreciated. I have two previous stories involving these characters, from the last two prompts. This piece came about because I intentionally painted myself into a corner with the previous pieces, and I had to start filling in a difficult gap between the first and second story.

    2. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      I am getting more and more invested in these characters. I know I said it before, but they give me Batman/Catwoman vibes, this time with Cowboy Bebop thrown in. I just love the energy.

      You’re description of stasis is horrifying, and its clear to see how it would lead to divided opinions, and how you could spin it to seem like it wasn’t as bad as it is.

      I enjoy how he is driven by both his feelings for Vicky and also how he is losing faith in the system he himself operates in. This isn’t just throwing things away for love, its starting to see things aren’t what you wanted them to be.

      Great story, thanks for sharing!

  5. WolfsbaneX Avatar
    WolfsbaneX

    Flowereyes (Oniyama: Scenes from the 999 Hells)
    By Hemming Sebastian Bane

    Ahyu opened his eyes. Glossy jade covered the floor. Four red wooden pillars held the ceiling, a black and gold tableau depicting a wheel on which beings endured various forms of torture. The kameosa trembled, the sake in his jar-like gut sloshing a little. He knew this place from the stories his grandparents would tell him when he misbehaved. Stories that told him if he didn’t behave, he’d be punished for eternity. And before that, he’d be tried in the court of Banshie Sinduin Hamidim.

    Ahyu wept as in front of him rose a black mahogany desk, its size making the yokai feel like a bug. An enormous chthonic deity hunched over the edge to look at the accused. His eyes were red and yellow like a fire burning into Ahyu’s soul. His skin was like a corpse covered in soot. His head almost touched the ceiling.

    “You see me before your time, mortal,” Banshie Sinduin Hamidim asked with a voice that rattled everything in the chamber.

    Ahyu dropped to his knees. “I’m not dead?”

    “Close, but not quite there yet.” The deity took a scroll from his desk. “Ahyu Sakekawa. Petty thief. Prospered off others’ misfortune.”

    Ahyu felt a cold shiver run down his body. “Wait. You said I’m not dead yet! Why are you judging me?!”

    The judge didn’t look up. “To warn you what is to come should you not change.”

    With a thunderous snap of the deity’s fingers, Ahyu’s eyes began to itch and burn. With a scream, Ahyu realized he was seeing two things at once. A boy beaten by thugs. Another image came. A frail woman chasing after her stolen baby. Image after image of suffering flooded Ahyu’s consciousness until he lost track.

    “This…” thundered Banshie Sinduin Hamidim. “… is what waits for you in the Hell of Flower Eyes.”

    Every image coalesced into one: a field that stretched forever. Ahyu stood alone, screaming nonsense and crying blood. His eyes were made entirely of other smaller eyes. Images of suffering bludgeoned his senses.

    “Don’t worry,” the deity said, “It’s only a few trillion trillion years.”

  6. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
    i-prefer-the-term-antihero

    [DM me on discord for details!]

    1. Lee Strangely Avatar
      Lee Strangely

      Using “taste of eternity” with drugs here reminds me of the drug slo-mo in Dredd (2012) that quite literally made time slow down for its users. That’s an interesting direction to take the prompt… I can’t really describe it, but how you’ve written everything, it has a good flow to it. Everything is also well written in that it is brimming with personality. This is a great story!

    2. Yes, my friend. It might seem that way now but the main difference between drugs and going through the muck and grime of the depths of your depravity and dealing with the problem is that drugs wear off and you’ll just find yourself fighting reality itself which isn’t good for a regular person, much less someone wielding godlike power lol. I do not see this ending well.

      Seriously though, this was done so well and I fully agree that this is as different as can be from the other story and I like that. You don’t truly appreciate hope until you’ve been hopeless.

      You do an amazing job of getting right into it and delving into that desperate state of depression. It’s like a hole. You can either keep fighting to keep yourself from falling into it, or let yourself fall and have to crawl your way out from the bottom. And you really make the reader feel that hopelessness.

      By the time you get to the last line of the story, whether you agree with Savion’s choice or not, you can completely understand why he made it and there’s something truly powerful in that.

      Excellent take on the prompt!

    3. Clearly Savion didn’t watch enough of those tv psa commercials lmao. In all seriousness though, I really liked this piece. The descriptions were beautiful, and I felt like I really knew what Savion was going through here. The way you described the effect of the drugs was great too. A lot of wonderful emotion packed into this piece. Great job!

    4. WolfsbaneX Avatar
      WolfsbaneX

      That’s rough. Oh my gosh, where do I even begin? The heroin heroine homonym was a nice touch. This makes me worry about Savion’s well-being, both physical and mental. Heroin is very addictive and probably one of the most harmful drugs in the world. Savion has sunk so low means that he’s got to build himself back up again.

  7. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
    RVMPLSTLTSKN

    The House’s Function
    By RVMPLSTLTSKN (The Saga of The Deep One’s Wake)

    Charn’s earliest memory belonged to someone else: an orphan, bier-carried to the House, paralyzed by drink, sky bright. The funeral procession around the bier was a bony thing, angular bodies and swollen stomachs. Charn remembered being both dead and alive, the child, dead if only because others said so, bound for the House, and the only thing alive in the House, aside from the jade walls. It was a solemn and sordid time. Things did not follow the natural order. Parents buried their children, the living were treated as dead, the hungry did not eat.

    In the House now, Charn awaits temporal passage. There is no need, for Charn, to eat, only to perform a function. There is material which must be harvested, the first fruits of death, the transience of mankind.

    Charn was born after that child passed, like a chick from an egg. The House of the dead ate better than the living. And yet, Charn took time to perform the House’s function. Rancid, fetor, foul. The child who would be Charn, beneath that porcelain mask, threshed death’s foul harvest. Until there were no more supplications, no more harvest, no more living.

    Loneliness is not everlasting. Charn outlasted its hold and was joined by others. Children and wanderers, priests and godlings. Time, like storms’ ebb, flowed back and the cycle began again. A new harvest, the threshold of history become the herald of technology. Charn took up the threshing sledge and taught a new generation their past and future. Grains waxed and withered, fields fallowed and civilized. Charn worked hard and brought forth harvests once more.

    1. Lee Strangely Avatar
      Lee Strangely

      Judging by the descriptions of their birth, I assume Charn is some sort of zombie… Part of me thinks that it would’ve been good to not use Charn’s name for every mention and use a pronoun once in a while, but another part of me thinks it works in a weird way, like Charn themself is speaking and referring to themself in the third person in stereotypical monster fashion. That first paragraph though… WOW. That to me is one of the most vivid, creative, and brutally efficient descriptions I’ve ever read. Overall I think this piece is fantastic!

  8. The Prisoner (Illusions of Heroes)
    by Gerrit (Rattus)

    Falmiras struggled against his restraints, the cold metal biting into his skin with each twist and pull. He stared at the runes etched into the cuffs, as if his vitriol could dispel them. He’d never known runes that could sap someone’s magic. Without the energy coursing through him he felt spent, like his body had been hollowed out and left a shell.

    In the distance he heard footsteps echoing down the stairway. He tensed his muscles, wishing for even a spark of magic to surface. Anything he could use to defy his captor.

    The familiar figure rounded the corner, a smug smile already on his lips. Anger burned in Falmiras’s chest at even the sight of the man. Those gold eyes, nigh emotionless. The arrogant posture, self-sure of his victory even from the beginning.

    The man crossed the room in a few long strides, until he was less than an arm’s length from Falmiras. He looked to the two chains suspended from the ceiling, each one restraining one of Falmiras’s arms. A chuckle escaped his mouth as he surveyed his prisoner.

    “You were once so mighty, Falmiras,” the man said, his voice smooth yet taunting. “A fierce wolf, now little more than a mewling pup in a cage.”

    Falmiras said nothing. He fixed his gaze on his captor, imagining all the ways he would rip him limb from limb were he not restrained.

    “What’s wrong? If I didn’t know better, I would think you didn’t like your new accommodations.” The man gestured around himself with one hand. “I built them special for you, you know.”

    The man looked to the two chains suspended from the ceiling, each one fastened around one of Falmiras’s wrists. “You’ll get used to it. After all, you have countless centuries to grow accustomed. You claim to be immortal. And I intend to test that theory.”

    Culthinn, God of Knowledge, laughed at his prisoner as he walked away.

    1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      *Story is about a character I’ve never met before*
      Me, scratching my chin: redshirt or unmet hero?
      Me at the end: Ya know…I’m still not sure
      XD

      I think the action, emotion, and magic of the piece overall is portrayed super well. Even from that first paragraph I can feel the cold metal of the shackles, the incense at not being able to use magic, and the emptiness/fatigue left in its wake. The way magic is described like a spark is really cool. I feel grounded in the story the whole time.

      I’m also always a fan of a smug villain monologue XD I love when they are completely relaxed and even taunting in their villainy. I can feel Falmiras’ anger and Culthinn’s self-assuredness both so clearly.

      I also love the “imagining all the ways he would rip him limb from limb” image following the wolf line. It’s one thing to call him a wolf, but to follow through with an internal wolf-like image is chef’s kiss. I wonder if that means he literally has wolf powers?

      Is this the first time you’ve shown a story where magic can negate magic? I’m very curious how that will be implemented going forward…

      I also find it fascinating that he built this cell specifically for Falmiras. I wonder what exactly that means. I also love the fact that he called him immortal and he intends to test it, not by killing him, but by leaving him to rot (seemingly?). Fascinating and cruel.

      Is this also the first time we’ve directly seen a god in a story? We’ve seen Chaos and Order, and more, but the gods beneath them, I mean.

      Great job!!

    2. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      Big oof for Falmiras. Sometimes the gods are that cruel.

      Excellent job with this one. The pacing and description is perfectly done.

  9. Glaceon373 Avatar
    Glaceon373

    Right There
    by Carrie (Glaceon373)

    It’s right there.

    I can see it. Hear it. Smell it. Almost touch it.

    I want to hold it. I want it to be true.

    But I know it can’t be true. Not yet. Not yet, because everything else must happen first.

    But it’s close. So close. And once I get there, it’ll be incredible. Not just for me, ideally. For… the world? Maybe that’s hoping a little too much, actually. Maybe, like… like ten people.

    It’s right there.

    There’s just one slight problem.

    Okay, a lot of problems.

    I can’t move on from one project that requires a previous project to be done without actually finishing the previous project. And that previous project has, like, twenty steps before it. All of which take insurmountable amounts of time. And I have to get through all that before I can even start the second project.

    Can I believe I wanted to finish the first thing by the end of May? That was dumb of me. Why don’t I know how time works? Why is there never enough of it? Why’s there always too much?

    It’s. Right. There.

    What happens after I get there? Do I get famous? I don’t think I want to get famous. Have you seen famous people lately? Well, at least they can afford food and stuff. But I don’t want to be on the news.

    I’d rather just… do the thing. But, again, there’s twenty steps before I can even move on to step two. Which wouldn’t make it step two, it’d be step twenty-one, but that’s beside the point. It is, practically speaking, step two.

    Oh, it’s right there. Right there.

    But it’s not. I’m getting ahead of myself. Months, years, decades maybe, all too soon. I should stop. Get back on track. Finish step one.

    But isn’t it nice to imagine it, sometimes?

    1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Ooh, this is an interesting, introspective one.

      I don’t feel like I quite know what the “it” is that’s “right there” so I’m gonna kinda react based on my different theories. My theories so far are that it could be eternity, the end of a project, the next step of the project, or “making it”–like publishing your work (if the project is writing).

      I feel like all are fascinating and relatable in their own way.

      Something like eternity, which seems so unattainable and far away being seen as “right here,” you can almost taste it, is fascinating and something I think is oddly relatable. There are lots of things in our lives which are far away, but we believe are close. (Makes me think of the whole “grab the moon” thing from the Moon in a Jar stream XD)
      (Though, if it’s not eternity I’d be curious to hear more about where “eternity” is in this story.)

      On the other hand, sometimes something like finishing a project, or the next step, seems so easy, so attainable, so tantalizingly close…but it can be further than we think, and that can be very difficult.

      As far as writing goes, I especially relate to the whole “well I have to finish this before I can move on to this” and “I thought I would finish in May.” In fact, I experienced that recently, thinking I’d finish a story by Valentine’s Day…and failing to understand myself, and how I don’t work that fast.
      The “step 1 has 20 steps” is also something I can relate to. Recently I had to fill out a form and it said it had like 6 steps…but step 4 had like 20 steps and…dear gosh it was so annoying. So I definitely feel that.

      “I want it to be true.
      But I know it can’t be true. Not yet. Not yet, because everything else must happen first.”
      –This was one of my favorite lines. Very poetic and interesting. I like how it drops from physical descriptions of the senses, to a more mental description of *truth.*

      “Not just for me, ideally. For… the world? Maybe that’s hoping a little too much, actually. Maybe, like… like ten people.”
      –I adore the way this drops down from a lofty ideal to something real. Again, I can really relate if we’re talking about writing here. I want my writing to reach people, but writing for tale foundry has shown me that I don’t need it to reach the whole world to feel happy, if it reaches ten people I’m delighted.
      It also makes me think of the whole “will it reach them?” idea in Your Lie in April, if you’ve watched that.

      “There’s just one slight problem.
      Okay, a lot of problems.”
      –Once again, love the drop down to something more realistic and funny XD Especially because “there’s just one slight problem” is very commonly used as litotes.

      “Why don’t I know how time works? Why is there never enough of it? Why’s there always too much?”
      –Gosh if that aint a mood, but one beautifully described. Love the juxtaposition

      “I don’t think I want to get famous. Have you seen famous people lately? Well, at least they can afford food and stuff. But I don’t want to be on the news.”
      –I’m sure you meant this as something more lighthearted, but this line honestly hit me hard. Because I think a lot of people, especially people our age, want to be famous, not because they actually want to be famous, but because they want to be financially secure. That sometimes it feels like you have to be famous simply to “afford food and stuff.”
      But this is relatable too. Fame I think is at least slightly alluring to everyone, but you have to really look at what famous people have to go through to realize…it’s not as glamorous as it seems, and being not he news wouldn’t actually be fun.

      “But it’s not. I’m getting ahead of myself. Months, years, decades maybe, all too soon. I should stop. Get back on track. Finish step one.”
      –I like what an equally relatable place it ends on too. We like to dream about the future, fame and fortune, what things will be like when we finish what we’re working on…but right now we just need to focus on step one. I love that clarification that the character might be getting *decades* ahead of themselves. I don’t usually think of it that way and it’s poignant.

      Great job!!

  10. Lee Strangely Avatar
    Lee Strangely

    An Honorable Duel
    by Lee Strangely

    With the sun beating down on him, his pale, aging complexion and black cloak made Dane look more like a ghost than a man. With as old as he was, he may as well have been… I don’t think there ever was, or even is, a single person alive who can say for certain how long he’s been around… Apart from Quint that is… The same man that was watching him from the dark shadows of that crooked old tree.

    “I have waited far too long for this moment,” Quint cooed as his sword poked out from the shade.

    Dane’s sword was already in his hand. Sunshine flowed down its polished steel like raindrops. Quint seemed to keep trying to engage with him, but Dane only stared out just in front of him. Between the two was a small boulder. Sitting on it was a glass, filled with something that can best be described as cold and ill.

    To the best of my recollection, Quint took notice and said, “I intend to fight you as you’ll fight me.” He then stepped into the light, revealing darkened eyes and a striking, youthful face. “The elixir will return your youth to you, as it has to me.”

    Dane looked back at him with a glare so heavy it could flatten a hill if left sitting on it long enough.

    “I will fight you in your prime, and I will accept nothing less. Drink it…”

    The old man just… stood there… To this day I still cannot explain the feeling that those eyes gave.

    “Drink. It.” he demanded.

    Dane remained silent.

    “DRINK IT DAMN YOU!” Quint barked in a fit of teary desperation.

    Upon the utterance of those words, Dane held out the glass… letting the elixir dribble onto the dusty soil.

    Quint snapped, “Have you no honor?!” pointing his sword at Dane.

    Dane took a single step forward. Tossing the cup aside, in his deep, gruff voice he muttered to Quint, “There is no honor in what we’re about to do here…”

    1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Ooh this is an interesting one. I especially like the final line. It seems like the tale of two men growing older, but one of them holds onto immaturity of the past so much so they literally make themselves younger, whereas the other matures both mentally and physically.
      The fountain of youth is often sought for, I love the idea of someone essentially dumping the waters of youth out on the ground.

      Your images/figurative language here is *so good.*

      “With the sun beating down on him, his pale, aging complexion and black cloak made Dane look more like a ghost than a man.”
      –Love that intro

      “Sunshine flowed down its polished steel like raindrops.”
      –OH DEAR GOSH THAT IMAGE IS SO GOOD

      ” glare so heavy it could flatten a hill if left sitting on it long enough.”
      –I have never read an image like this before and I just love it.

      Not so much metaphorical but “Filled with something that can best be described as cold and ill.” is rather unique too. I love that ill descriptor. I don’t feel like it’s commonly used for physical inanimate objects.

      “Coo” is also a great, birdlike verb for someone watching from a tree.

      Did Dane refuse the duel, or was he saying “I’m going to fight you in my old age”? At first I read it as the former, but later I realized it may have been the latter.

      As for my critiques:

      “Quint seemed to keep trying to engage with him, but Dane only stared out just in front of him.”
      –This line is a bit confusing, and I think it’s because “seemed to keep trying” is quite clunky. I think simply “Quint tried to engage with him, but Dane only stared forward.” would be clearer.

      “With as old as he was, he may as well have been… I don’t think there ever was, or even is, a single person alive who can say for certain how long he’s been around… Apart from Quint that is… The same man that was watching him from the dark shadows of that crooked old tree.”
      –This part I think was the most confusing line in the piece for me. The point is to say that he’s very old, and Quint is (was) the same age as him, but all the stops and starts of the sentence muddy the meaning to the point where I actually completely missed it on my first read.
      The line does have character voice, which is cool…but I don’t think it’s necessary for this particular piece because, as I said, it muddies the meaning.

      Overall, I’m not sure why you picked a first person perspective. It’s always fun to have a character interject their voice into a scene, but, especially because most of it seems like 3rd person omniscient, the first person asides I think detract more than they add for this particular piece.

      Great job!!

    2. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      Tagback!

      Your descriptions are really good here. I’m not sure what Quint’s deal is, but a grudge match is always interesting.

      I don’t quite understand the elixir. Why is it bad? Why isn’t this engagement about honor? Why is pouring out the elixir dishonorable?

  11. I Can Lay My Body Down, But I Can’t Find My Sweet Release
    By Marx

    Though the Old One looked in Yelena’s direction, it was clear his gaze went far beyond the angel as he answered her question. “Like you, our souls come in two halves. The only difference is that angels were formed with their soul complete. Old Ones find our other half.

    “She was beautiful. Strong. Stubborn.” A pained smile formed on his face. “She drove me mad in the best way. It was only when I found her that I truly knew the meaning of the word, complete. This was why my kind joined the Morningstar’s war on the Father.”

    Yelena’s gaze immediately snapped towards the Old One, a clear confusion on her face.

    “In time, we would have defeated you. Your kind was more powerful, but ours continued to grow in number. Yours did not. However, that could take multiple millennia if not eons. Wherein one battle could have ended our war, after which Lucifer insisted we would be left in peace.

    “I could see an eternity with my soulmate. Or… possibly losing her in a long, drawn out war.

    “Of course… we both know how that ended. We lost. And the Father punished us by striking down our soulmates. Taking away our reason to attack Him again.”

    Yelena spoke, her voice barely above a whisper, “…we were told He did that so no more Old Ones would be conceived.”

    “If He truly wanted us gone, we would be gone. He wanted us in pain. And it worked. We never stood against Him again.

    “So yes. Your wing is gone. As you currently are, you’re useless as an angel, much less a warrior. However, I guarantee you that I also know what it feels to have an eternity lie before you, only to have half your soul brutally torn away until all that’s left is an endless entropy of an immortal existence.”

    As the Old One dropped his head, there was an instinct in Yelena to attack. He was her natural enemy and he’d dropped his guard. Instead, she covered herself with her remaining wing and dropped her head as well.

    1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Oh man, this story is really powerful. When I saw that it was Yelena and the Old One I knew I was in for something good, but I didn’t expect there to be tears in my eyes by the end.

      “it was clear his gaze went far beyond the angel”
      –Cool descriptor

      “Like you, our souls come in two halves. The only difference is that angels were formed with their soul complete. Old Ones find our other half.”
      –That’s fascinating. It reminds me of the Platonic idea that humans used to be four-legged, hermaphroditic creatures that were split in two…actually that might have been the origin of the soul mates idea, I don’t remember XD It’s always an idea I’ve found fascinating and it’s very cool to see it implemented.
      I’m curious, though, why does he say angels’ souls come in two halves if angels’ souls are always complete? Like…I wouldn’t say “my pizza came in two halves” if I simply got a whole pizza.

      “She drove me mad in the best way. It was only when I found her that I truly knew the meaning of the word, complete.”
      –Very cool descriptor of love.

      Though the next line (and the “taking away our reason to attack Him again” line) confuses me. How is “I found my love” an explanation for why they joined the war? I don’t really understand what they were fighting for.

      It’s interesting that he says they would have won. I think I remember you telling me in response to my question last week that angels have a fixed number, but demons don’t?

      “…we were told He did that so no more Old Ones would be conceived.”
      “If He truly wanted us gone, we would be gone. He wanted us in pain.”
      –That last line smacked me in the face. Powerful writing

      I love how he compares his situation to Yelena’s wing. And, if I remember correctly, it’s a direct answer to what they talked about in their last story where she was like “You don’t know how this feels”?

      I’m curious about the significance of her covering herself with her wing and dropping her head? Is it just a sign of vulnerability and trust?

      Beautiful story!!

    2. This was a really interesting piece to read. I don’t know anything about this world, but this piece alone has me so curious to learn more. I love that almost the entire thing was a monologue, yet you were still able to make it feel full and powerful. Great job, thank you for sharing!

    3. VulpesRose Avatar
      VulpesRose

      First of all, Buffy the Vampire Slayer reference in the title, I see you. And now I will have this song stuck in my head all day. I am always weirdly excited when I know where your titles come from.

      I really like descriptions of war that come from the losing side. While I don’t completely understand what the stakes or motivations were, you do an amazing job of showing what was lost, the aftermath, and how the winners aren’t necessarily the good guys.

      The line “He wanted us in pain” was an absolute gut punch. Pretty awful stuff for a Father to do to his creations.

      And Yelena’s responses shows how the winners write history. They were told a reason, and they accepted it, despite the obvious brutality of what was being done.

      Very interesting story! Thanks for sharing!

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