Writing Group: The Power of a Name (PRIVATE)

May I have your name Summoners, Con artists, and Pastors?

What? I’m not going to steal it or anything! Why would you ever think that! No, no, I just want your name—I mean, I want you to TELL me your name—because…

This week’s Writing Group prompt is:

The Power of a Name

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

This is a very rich prompt, full of opportunities for strange magic, and very real messages. 

The first angle my brain goes to is the fae. Perhaps you want to tell a story of someone encountering a fae, and facing the consequences of their name being stolen. Or maybe you want to write about someone cunningly avoiding this fate—not lying (mustn’t lie to a fey) but not telling the truth either. 

Maybe you have another sort of magical creature in your universe with the ability to deal in names. Maybe your character walks up to the name dealer in the market to see their coat full of names—and you don’t want to ask where they got them. Maybe a fortune teller can read your destiny in your name—or perhaps even shape it by reshaping your name. Maybe when a witch calls you by a certain name, that name becomes a spell—it becomes you. 

But magic isn’t the only way a name might have power. In the live action Cinderella, “Ella” is her real name, but her stepmother and stepsisters call her “Cinderella” as a degrading name. One of my favorite lines from the movie is: “Names have power, like magic spells. And of a sudden it seemed to her that her stepmother and stepsisters had indeed transformed her into merely a creature of ash and toil.” There’s no true magic involved in this scene, but the name has power over her still. The name grants extra power to the abuse she suffers; her identity has been stripped away; she is no longer the noble Ella her parents cared for. She has become a thing of cinders. Perhaps you want to write about this sort of thing. What happens when a parent, stepparent, sibling, uncle, etc—someone who is meant to love you—gives you a name like this? What happens when they pretend you are family, but call you by a name that is anything but? What happens when the true name your parent or guardian gives you is something cruel? 

Bullies are one of the most common people groups that use cruel nicknames. In Before I Fall, the cruel nickname that Lindsey gives to Juliet starts off a chain reaction that continues through the years, eventually leaving Juliet suicidal. There were many other cruel things Lindsey (and others) did to Juliet, but it was that name that started everything, and that name that Juliet always returns to in her mind. This is a very real struggle that lots of people, especially those in high school, might face today. Bullies are quick to give out mocking names, but what are the consequences of that? Does the name have more power than the insults, spitballs and wedgies? I think it usually does. Do you want to tell the perspective of someone hurt by a nickname? Or of the bully who doesn’t really know what they’re doing?

You could play with titles vs names. Someone might be “King” but that’s a title, not a name. Maybe someone in a position of power feels like nobody knows who they really are—no one really calls them by their name. Or perhaps the opposite—maybe someone only wants to be known for their title, either because they want the power of it…or maybe they just don’t like their name. It makes me think of Dumbledore and Harry specifically calling Voldemort “Tom Riddle.” They use his name to disarm him, to refuse to give him the power the title grants him. 

Especially when it comes to kings, names can be inherited. Does your character feel pressure in having the same name as their parent, or ancestor? Do they wish they had a different name? Or are they proud to share the name? Or maybe they are named after a particular historical figure—what power does this connection have over their life?

Surnames are always inherited, and perfectly worthy of this prompt. Perhaps you want to write about a family name, the responsibility or reputation that comes with it. Or perhaps the pride and familiarity that comes with it. 

Sometimes a vicious-looking beast is given a silly name, such as Adam naming his hellhound “Dog,” or Hagrid naming his three-headed dog “Fluffy.” Perhaps you want to write about this phenomenon. Does this silly name have some power over the creature to make it more docile? There’s also the opposite, like a teacup poodle being called “Bruiser.” Can a name grant strength, or ferocity, to an otherwise docile creature?

A name also reflects upon the person giving the name. To Hagrid, monsters are indeed sweet, misunderstood creatures. He gave Fluffy that name because that’s exactly how he saw Fluffy…as a fluffy dog. Perhaps, instead of writing about the person with the name, you want to write about the person doing the naming. Maybe your character recognizes that names have power, and doesn’t want to mess up naming their child, or pet, or favorite stapler. 

There’s also a scientific aspect to naming as well. Perhaps you want to write about a scientist who discovered a new species trying to decide on a name. Things in science often are named after the person who discovered it. Does this person get a big head? Or dislike being a namesake? I was reading about Dyson Spheres recently, and apparently Dyson did not like that they were named after him. Maybe you want to write about this. You could even write a funny story about a difficult to pronounce name, especially in a scientific environment. 

There’s also a common principle “Don’t name it. If you name it you’ll get attached.” You could easily write about this angle. Maybe you want to write about a child forming a friendship with a stray animal, and indeed getting attached when they name it. Or even about a grumpy person who thinks they don’t want kids getting attached to an orphan they met. 

Even inanimate objects can be named. Often when we name inanimate objects we anthropomorphize them and give them personality, simply because we gave them a name. This could be a very fun and cute thing to write about. Does an inanimate object come alive, simply because it was given a name? 

In the movie “The Man Who Invented Christmas” the characters come to life in Charles Dickens’ mind only when he finds a name for them. He can have ideas, tropes, plotlines, but they only appear as a person when they have a name. In this way, you could go very meta with this prompt—what’s your experience as a writer naming your characters? 

My challenge for this week is to use the word, or the idea of, “Fireworks” somewhere in the story. This is inspired by it being the week of Fourth of July for Americans. But not all of you (perhaps even most of you) aren’t from America, so I didn’t want to use the holiday as a prompt. Fireworks are a key, fun, summery aspect of the holiday that I think would be fun to work into our stories this week. You could write your story about fireworks, or simply mention them briefly. Whatever you want! 

In case that’s too mired in the holiday, my other challenge for you is not to use the words “name” and/or “power” anywhere in your story. (You can pick one or do both). Yes, you heard me: write about the power of a name…all the while, not actually using the words “name” and/or “power” anywhere. Play around with subtlety. Make sure the prompt is still clear, of course—that’s very important. But don’t directly use the prompt—don’t even directly mention the pieces of the prompt! 

Remember, these challenges aren’t mandatory! They are meant to be a fun bonus if you’d like to have a little extra challenge. But, if you don’t want to use them, please don’t feel obligated to!

Ah, I see. So that’s your name. Let me just add it to my collection—I mean memory!

—Kaylie

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

Tune into the stream this Saturday at 3:00pm CST to see if you made the cut!

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Comments

65 responses to “Writing Group: The Power of a Name (PRIVATE)”

  1. jesse fisher Avatar
    jesse fisher

    Power Word
    By Jesse Fisher

    Calm down, calm down, just breathe.

    Focus on the objective.

    Nothing else.

    You know what it is called.

    Speak it.

    But the word was caught in my throat, my mind knew it but my voice could not carry it. Hacking and coughing showed I could still vocalize but I could not do it.

    There was a test on using true names at the end of the month and the list was easy to recall but something kept keeping me from spitting it out.

    Research into the history of true names turned into a biography of the first person to bring this form of magic to the world. There was debate on this as it got complicated when the true name was spoken; anyone can claim it as their own.

    The rabbit hole kept going deeper and deeper until a word came from my mouth.

    “Sasiorgani.”

    My ears ringed from the power of the word as the pile of books and papers began to move and shift as the word began to make the chaos organized.

    To say my throat hurts from just this one word given form when not prepared.

    The dryness and scratchiness of my throat grew, I almost thought I would collapse from the drain of the word.

    It was only then that I noticed the water that we must use to regain my voice after working on this assignment.

    The moment I reached for the liquid another word came to mind.

    “Irexhaur.”

    The small torrent of water came from the vessel straight to my mouth.
    It was only a brief moment but at that moment I had drowned myself.

    At this point I was starting to question ever using this power.

    1. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      Very interesting take on the prompt.

      I was somewhat expecting someone to try to use the notion of true names (and power words as true names for concepts and things that can enact effect on reality is an idea with lots of potential), but I certainly wasn’t expecting something like this.

      I like the idea of focusing on the study and the imminence of a test as the setting – this allows a lot of exploration on the difficulty of using such a skill and also on its story and implications. And the discussion on true name magic is the highlight of the story. You have some very interesting ideas on it, and they are presented in an interesting and compelling way.

      I have two small points of critique, though. One is more like pointing out something odd. I believe that you missed an incomplete sentence in your text during reviews: “To say my throat hurts from just this one word given form when not prepared” – I know how that could end, but reading it as it is is a major break in immersion.

      And, lastly, I think the ending is a little bit on the bland side. I understand we are all dealing with the lack of leeway due to the strict word count, but it seems like it lacks something more – either the analytical voice that we were following so far, or a real break in it due to the experience. You probably got a little short on words at the end, and it suffered a bit for it.

      Still, a very interesting premise and with some very good considerations, and all so well present.

      Thanks for sharing.

    2. Laura Nettles Avatar
      Laura Nettles

      Love the true name magic system. I enjoyed what you did with it and diving a bit into the lore with anyone being able to claim what was done by another if they know their true and, and therefore become them in a way. I like the names you came up with, and the magic organizing chaos. The struggle to physically say the name was a cool conflict to incorporate.

  2. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
    i-prefer-the-term-antihero

    [DM me on Discord for details!]

    1. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      Well, I’m only minutes from the comment I made in the public thread and I’m quite surprised that my questions were answered so fast – I should have expected it, considering your late write of two part pieces – yet, I didn’t.

      And this was a nice surprise.

      It is a curious sight to see Savion so meek. The idea of him being ashamed of being human is quite strong on this one, and his discomfort is very well conveyed. It is particularly interesting since to the animals it seems like a non-issue calling a human a human, which turns his inner conflict something even more prevalent.

      It might be a minor thing, but I also really appreciate the choice of words in describing how each of the animals communicate. It is fitting, of course, but it also gives kind of a childlike vibe to that moment that also contrast nicely with the feeling of inadequacy Savion is experiencing.

      And the revelation that the names were something they more obeyed in accepting due to their respect/gratitude to Savion, but didn’t really care for among themselves is great – and “Millie”, the mouse, breaking in the news brings a nice echo to the previous story. It is even better when the comparison that names are to these animals indeed a human affair, and that Savion gave them importance more because his life already gravitated toward humanity so much before (even if due to hate).

      Great story! Thanks a lot for sharing it!

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Ok. So, I read this one first. This one stands on its own just fine, but for me personally, I thought I was lacking a little bit of context. But that isn’t anything to do with you or the way the story is written. It’s just how my mind processes. But having just read the one in the public group and then coming back to this one makes much better sense to me. It helps to better ground the context for me. I think because the animals caught me off guard a little bit. But again, I process it better having read the public story first. Nothing wrong with this story at all.

      With all of that out of the way, I love this story. It not only serves as a continuation of the one in the public group, but it also acts as a mirror. Where Savion did not respect Millie’s wishes to simply be called Mouse, the animals here do not acknowledge him as Wolf or even Remus. To them, he is Savion. That’s who they recognize him as, and that’s who they would rather acknowledge him as. Even though they’ve all accepted the names that he has chosen for them, despite the fact that they do not abide by human nomenclature, they do not see the same way for him. On that note, he isn’t even the Demon King or the Scourge King; he simply Savion.

      Savion here is attempting to shed his past once again, which I don’t blame him for, but the animals do not observe it in the same light. It’s also really intriguing to see him in a more passive, almost subservient role. He is beholden to these animals because he feels a greater kinship to them, but the animals see him more as human and personality. It also is to his detriment that he is speaking to them now in a human form. That’s not going to help his case much.

      I feel genuinely sad for him and this one. Having read as many stories as I have about him being the demon king, human, in love, with his brother, and now amongst the animals, it seems to me that he really doesn’t have a place where he can belong. Not 100% as himself. It also seems that he may be developing an identity crisis, if he hasn’t already. So he’s not only trying to find himself but also his place in the world. As I said many times before with these stories, I just want to hug the guy and have him talk out his problems and hopefully help him work out some solutions. That option has been needed for so long now.

      Here too is a great usage of the prompt. You have names for the animals, which are great. Also, you have Savion trying to shed different aspects of his identity. As a human, and who he was as the Demon King. He’s even trying to shed Savion, with the insistence of him being referred to as either Wolf or Remus, which is also wolf when translated. A very good look into his psyche and how it may be fracturing, if it hasn’t already. Also, I do love that the animals respect and adore him enough to take on the names that he has assigned to them even though they would prefer being simply referred to as the animals that they are.

      This is an incredibly interesting story and framework that you are giving us with Savion. We’re eating very well, and I thank you so very much for that. I am always excited and grateful to see what you share with us. I cannot wait to see you the next installment.

      Please keep writing but also take care of yourself. ❤️

    3. Lmao okay, I’ll start this by saying that I’ve read this story about three or four times and it was a different experience each time, which is amazing.

      So I always do a first read just to enjoy the story and then a second one with a more critical mind. And the funny thing about the second one was that the story slightly confused me, but I ignored it. Why it confused me will make sense once I explain the third read.

      So, it hit me that at no point in the story do you make it clear that Remus IS Savion. If you know, you know and if you don’t, you don’t. So I read it a third time to try and get in the mind of someone who doesn’t know and halfway through that the animals don’t know Remus is Savion.

      For some reason I just assumed he would tell them and THAT’S what confused me. If they’re willing to use Savion’s name because he says so, why wouldn’t they use Remus’s for the same reason? Or at the very least, call him Savion. But once it hit me that they don’t know he’s their king and to them, he’s just a wolf that transformed into a human, of course they would treat him completely differently. It also explains why they’re talking about Savion so flippantly.

      So, this story was incredibly entertaining when I read it wrong. But reading it correctly makes it HILARIOUS! No wonder Savion is so distraught. Not only is he being told that he’s human as a human, but that the animals see him as humanlike as a wolf too. Which, being familiar with Savion, is the funniest thing ever.

      This works very well as a standalone and even better paired with the other piece, that lets you put Savion’s human actions together yourself before the animals confirm it in this one. Excellent takes on the prompt! Thanks for sharing.

  3. Names To Run Away From (Chronicles Of The Dragon)
    By Makokam

    Eddie walked into the bar and went to sit down next to his friend Vinny. “Did you hear?” he asked. “There’s word The Dragon is in the city.”

    Vinny set his drink down and pulled some bills and set them on the bar. “I’ve been thinking about taking the girlfriend for a weekend in the mountains. Now seems like a good time.” He got up and headed for the door.

    “Wait, you’re going NOW now? You don’t think he’d be interested in hunting down some old fucks like us, do you?”

    “We didn’t get to be old fucks without being cautious.”

    .oOo.

    Terrence got out of the car and headed into the warehouse. On the far side, Rafiel paced behind a truck, looking at his phone while two other men stood watch.

    “Ah man, I was worried you wouldn’t be here,” Terrence said, jogging over.

    “Why?” Rafiel said, looking up.

    “There’s a rumor The Dragon is in town.”

    Rafiel stiffened, then grabbed a paper wrapped package out of the truck. “You got the money?”

    Terrence nodded as he hurried to hand a couple wads of cash in exchange for the package.

    “Good, now get the hell out of here.” He turned and motioned to the other men. “Pack it up! We’re getting the hell outta here.”

    .oOo.

    The General watched the screens as they updated with the latest positions of his troops as they moved towards the boarder. A slow build up of his forces to where they could quickly cross the boarder, but were far enough away to plausibly deny their threat. Their “neighbors” would be brought back into the fold after twenty long years very, very soon.

    An officer rushed in, holding out an envelope. “Sir, the latest intelligence report-”

    The General snatched the report and gave it a quick glance, before stopping at a single line. He turned to the officer. “Is this accurate?”

    “Multiple sources confirm the sighting.”

    The General tore the report apart. “Send everyone back to their bases. If The Dragon is here, this is no time to start a war.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      I love that this is a treat for long-time readers. I love that we get to see how simply knowing who The Dragon is affects regular people. Like I said before many times, reading about your superheroes and who they are under the masks is really great, but it is good to get to know how the citizens are doing in all of this. Even those that are of a criminal nature.

      I personally think that for new readers, this could be intriguing, as it builds an air of suspense and mystery.

      Critiques:

      The General watched the screens as they updated with the latest positions of his troops as they moved towards the boarder (border). A slow build up of his forces to where they could quickly cross the boarder (border), but were far enough away to plausibly deny their threat.

      And of course, the government has to government. I do like that the General knows that he can’t afford a war with The Dragon right now. Really fun, different perspectives. I also like that we get to see different lifestyles and different walks of people. Really good job. I’m always excited to read your stories, and I can’t wait to see what you share next time. Thank you very much for writing and posting this one.

    2. Lol this is really fun. And I could absolutely see this as an introduction for those who don’t know anything about Jonathan because the main thing you’d need to know is that he’s terrifying.

      I love that you were able to get three different stories in that all had the same ‘punchline’ of sorts and yet it worked so well. And for those who know the character, it’s even funnier because those actions are very merited. If you’ve ever crossed him, you avoid him. If there’s the slightest chance you’re a villain in his vicinity, you change your vicinity. If you’re going to go to war, you don’t.

      The last one specifically makes me think of the ending of Watchmen. If Jonathan’s mere existence might make the world slightly safer because everyone knows there’s a much bigger threat they need to prepare for.

      All in all an excellent take on the prompt! Thanks for sharing!

  4. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
    RVMPLSTLTSKN

    [Removed]

    1. Partran Avatar
      Partran

      This is an excellent little back and forth between the various characters, each butting in and correcting one another in a way that feels natural and realistic with old friends who can finish one another sentences and often interrupt one another’s trains of thought.

      It also has the flavor of old folk tales and indigenous stories where the trickster is secretly the story teller for their own tales and I appreciate that greatly.

      My one critique is that in the first five lines you use various replacements for the word ‘said’ that while amusing in what they portray, ends up feeling a little cluttered, but otherwise this is a delightful little tale.

    2. Laura Nettles Avatar
      Laura Nettles

      Fun! I liked the reveal at the end, and the “How can we tell a story we do not know” line. The stories by a fire vibe was comforting and added to the mysticism. I’m left wondering what “old love” really meant in the curse. That the Wonderer would never get to love another for long? Or be able to return to one they loved in the past, before the curse was cast? Ambiguous.

  5. Partran Avatar
    Partran

    Consequences.
    By Partran

    “Pronunciation matters.”

    “So you’ve said.” Lawrence muttered from where he lay, face down, against a distressingly fleshy floor.

    A small mercy that had arisen in the hours he’d been in this strange place was that his shoulders had gone numb. If only he were fortunate enough to have his hips join them, then his position of being trussed up with his arms and legs behind his back would be far more tolerable.

    As he lay there helpless, in the all-pervading crimson gloom of the place his linguistic shortcomings had trapped him, he turned to once again look at the creature that kept him company in this small, humid room.

    To say it was a strange creature would be a statement of the obvious. It was perhaps a meter tall, lanky, with mostly bare skin save odd patches of long, wiry hair on its knees and elbows. It possessed the expressive face and head of a startlingly ugly dog. Despite its aesthetic shortcomings, though, it had a pleasant voice and an almost genial demeanor.

    “There wasn’t a pronunciation guide. How was I to know how many of the letters were meant to be silent? What madmen created silent letters, anyway?!”

    The creature, whose name Lawrence had thought was pronounced “Oopszslashkintintizz,” squatted in a comfortable manner. With a tilt of its head and a chuckle it said, “You’re not far off. It really is some of our sides’ greatest work. Subtle, irritating, and utterly devastating in the right spots.”

    “But why?”

    The creature considered for a moment, picking at a space between its sharp teeth with an equally sharp talon, “Well, for one, it pries unwary and incautious fools like you from your home dimension and drops you into ours, and, for two, it’s really, really funny. The best part was when the smart people in your world started doing it to themselves, without our interference. I mean, Pthalate? Mnemonic? Psychic? Social inertia does so much of our work for us, really.”

    “So… what happens next?”

    The genial smile on the creature melted seamlessly into an unpleasant grin, “Consequences, Lawrence. Consequences.”

    1. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      Okay, I am really curious as to how that name is pronounced. I mean, only some of the letters are silent, but it’s never mentioned which ones.
      I really enjoyed this story, Partran. The idea that unfortunately mispronouncing a name would result in a trap being sprung, resulting in the unfortunate situation that Lawrence now finds himself in is an intriguing concept. That you’ve also turned around to explain silent letters in the English language is just icing on the cake.
      I love the description of “Oopszslashkintintizz.” It’s very descriptive in an economic number of words. The term “expressive head and face of a startlingly ugly dog” is perfect.
      Thanks for your submission.

      1. Partran Avatar
        Partran

        Thanks! I admit I’ve had a bit of a _thing_ against silent letters for ages.

    2. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      This is delightful. You do a great job of setting up the chthonic atmosphere of this hellscape without becoming phthisic or stygian.

      The linguist diatribe is pure torment—to those who don’t enjoy such discussions; I do—and extremely well done.

      Is Oopszhizzlebits based on Jim Henson’s designs?

      1. Partran Avatar
        Partran

        You know I hadn’t intended Oops being based on anything but now that you mention it I think of the creatures from Labyrinth that tossed their heads around.

  6. MasaCur Avatar
    MasaCur

    Audition Day
    By MasaCur

    Nabiki entered the orchestra club room, clutching her violin case to her chest. Beside her, Chiyo hefted her cello case by the shoulder straps.

    Nabiki could feel the eyes on her as she entered. Curious, judging, contemptuous. Most of the people looking at her didn’t glance away when she looked at them.

    They knew who she was.

    A tall, older girl stepped in front of her.

    “You’re Nabiki Teion, aren’t you?” the girl asked.

    Nabiki looked up at her. “Ye-yeah.”

    “You’re not taking my seat from me.” She glared down at Nabiki. “I don’t care who your mother is, I worked hard for the first chair violin. I’m not going to lose it to you.”

    “I…uh, as far as I’ve heard, first year students aren’t eligible for the first chair,” Nabiki said, hoping to deescalate the situation.

    The girl pointed two fingers at her eyes, then turned her hand to point at Nabiki before she walked away.

    Nabiki clutched her violin case tighter to her chest.

    “Nabiki, don’t let it get to you,” Chiyo said. “They’re just trying to get into your head and knock you off your game. You’re definitely going to make your audition. Not because your mom is Akane Teion. You’ll do it because you’re an awesome violinist in your own right.”

    “I hope so,” Nabiki replied. She bit her lip nervously.

    “Me, I’m less sure of,” Chiyo added.

    “Mom says you’re a pretty good cellist.”

    “Nabiki Teion? Is there a Nabiki Teion here?” asked a voice from the seating area.

    Nabiki took a deep breath.

    “Good luck!” Chiyo winked and held up two fingers in a peace sign.

    “Thanks.” Nabiki let out her breath in a sigh. She pulled out the Klotz violin, and stepped toward the microphone. “I’m Nabiki Teion.”

    “Your mother is Akane Teion?” asked the school’s orchestra director.

    Nabiki nodded.

    “First time I saw her play was in ninety-five for her Summer Breeze tour.”

    Nabiki looked down at the stage floor. “That was her breakout album.”

    “If you’ve got even half her talent, you’ll do fine. Just relax and do your best.”

    1. Partran Avatar
      Partran

      There’s a subtle thread here that is quite a lovely, visceral thing. The shadow of a parent whose accomplishments precede Nabiki. You illustrate three facets of it quite well and without being egregious in drawing attention to them.

      First is another person’s presumption that Nabiki is, in some way, trading on her mother’s fame or skills.

      Second is that Chiyo would potentially give more weight to Nabiki’s mother’s opinion of Chiyo’s skills than their own or Nabiki’s opinions.

      And third is the director’s assumption that Nabiki has inherited some of her mother’s talent in some fashion.

      It could be quite a difficult thing for Nabiki to be Nabiki and not spend much of her life feeling as though people saw her only as a dim shadow of her mother.

      Excellent work.

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      One of my favorite things about delving into your characters, Mas, is that they have such a rich background. And I’m so happy that you’re diving more into Nabiki. Depending on the prompt, we get a vastly different yet consistent character from her. And even though she carries a lot of trauma and grief and guilt about what happened to her mom, she’s also very proud and regal and even a little bit haughty sometimes.

      Here, we get to see her nervous and unsure and anxious. Even more so is the fact that she’s living in her mother’s shadow. Most people know her because they know her mother. They don’t know the real her. So, even though nabiki is accomplished in her own right, people are still expecting her mother from her, whether they know it or not. Even the girl that antagonizes her perceives Nabiki to have a presence or an attitude that is more conceited because Nabiki is following in her mother’s footsteps.

      I love your character breakdowns, and this one is no exception. A really great use of the prompt, also. As always, I really enjoyed this story. It’s got really small moments of tension that add up. But I know Nabiki is going to rock it on that stage because she’s got it like that. I cannot wait to see what you post next. Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this.

  7. Glaceon373 Avatar
    Glaceon373

    Credit Where It’s Due (Students of the DiamondBridge Academy universe)
    by Carrie (Glaceon373)

    “Who are you visiting?”

    Mrs. Tizip checked the crumpled note in her hand. “Uh, room A107—”

    “Take a right, fourth door on the left,” the hospital receptionist answered immediately.

    Tizip thanked the receptionist and almost ran to Room A107.

    She knocked on the door. “Mrs. Tizip. May I come in?”

    There was a second before she heard a weak but happy “Yes?”

    Tizip opened the door and gasped. But not for the reasons she’d expected to.

    The tiny room was stuffed with people. Sam and Ahna had the only provided guest chairs, while Jidz, Cypress, and Feleron sat on the floor. And, of course, Roselyn was in the hospital bed.

    All six of them were working on homework.

    “…Hello,” was all Tizip could think of to say.

    “Haven’t seen you in a few hours,” Sam quipped. It made Roselyn laugh, even if weakly.

    “I thought they limited guests to… less than six?” Tizip squeezed through the door so she could close it all the way.

    Feleron explained: “Well, Jidz and I are officially visitors, Ahna’s observing the doctors for her final project for Spellcasting, Sam shows up so much the staff stopped caring about her, and I think Cypress just sneaks in.”

    They all nodded their confirmation.

    “And if the nurses try to kick them out,” Roselyn added, “I remind them that we’re the six students who saved the school. Now I’ll just add ‘and teacher’ to that.”

    Tizip blinked. “T-teacher?”

    “Yeah. You?”

    She tried to take a step back. “Please, you did all the hard work. The dangerous work. I did—”

    “A lot,” Cypress stated with such finality that the whole room felt compelled to agree.

    “… Oh.” Tizip found herself reaching for the door handle.

    “Y’know,” Ahna shrugged, “people keep wanting to give US awards, maybe we could arrange one for you?”

    “Yeah!” Jidz nodded. “What kind of award would you like, Mrs. Tizip?”

    “I hear the school needs a new Vice Principal?” Sam asked.

    “I— well— it was lovely seeing you all, have a great day!”

    Tizip bolted from the room, followed by a chorus of laughter.

    1. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      This is lovely.

      I also find it incredibly how much dialogue and how much characters you managed to cram in this story (and in this hospital room as well). For flash fiction, that is quite the feat. And it does not feel rushed or nebulous on who they are, even if we don’t spend long with them.

      That being said, I am left with the impression that this seems like either an amazing companion story for the end of a longer narrative or for its beginning. This hooks us in and build up a lot of questions, but even though I’ve read some of your previous stories, I feel completely without resources to answer any one of them.

      I also really like how you approached the prompt. There is power in being recognized by an act, and it is also hinted that this power could be used to concede another kind of power in a title. And just the mention of it might have the power to make one character feel a little bit overwhelmed.

      This was a lovely scene, and a very instigating one. I can’t help but wonder on what happened for us to get here.

      Thanks for sharing!

    2. Laura Nettles Avatar
      Laura Nettles

      Nice! I enjoyed the dialogue and sprinkling of world lore dropped in. We know it’s a magical world with the “Spellcasting” project mentioned. I wonder what went down at the school that necessitating saving. There seems to be history between the characters we are not privy to. There are some fun names in here I enjoyed, like Tizip and Feleron.

  8. Aracnarquista Avatar
    Aracnarquista

    you can’t make a gold-lead alloy without cracking software
    by Aracnarquista

    The feeling of fear is not something Richard LaCroix is used to. Dreading is for others, not him. Richard LaCroix wields fear. CEO of the Zenith Corporation and major shareholder of some of the more significant corporate conglomerates, Mr. LaCroix handles economic and political leverage as a weapon or threat as the need calls for. No one dares to cross him.

    LaCroix feels no fear.

    Yet, there is a ghost haunting him. He notices the signals of the guards of his secluded vacation home going silent one by one, and he knows despair. Someone is hunting him. His mind rushes to the other weapons one with his wealth could use…

    ***

    Walt Whitman may as well sing the body electric, but “John” is the one who dances to its tune. Every fiber of his augmented body is aflame as he breezes through the security. Automated defenses fail to detect his passage. Guards are neutralized with precision and grace. Every motion of the assassin is a sight to behold – though those who catch as much as a glimpse of him have few moments to register it.

    “John” flows in the moment. He enjoys the craft, the vertigo and exhilaration of moving unseen and being where he is denied to be. The melody of violence – carefully suppressed as it is – sounds like music to his augmented ears. The synthetic reflexes that guide his movements – cybernetically tuned, ironically enough, in a Zenith lab – rejoice in being put to action. The electric signals shared through wire and nerves explode as fireworks and light the night of his life as he snuffs the lives of wealth’s lap dogs.

    He doesn’t kill indiscriminately, though.

    Precision is what he sells, and collateral damage is best avoided.

    ***

    “I know you have a busy schedule, Mr. LaCroix. But now you have a meeting with a certain Gentleman John, Death’s own amanuensis.”

    LaCroix faces the barrel of a ceramic pistol and his own mortality. He still has two tricks up his sleeve. Especially now that he knows who the killer is.

    “Whatever they are paying you, I can overbid them.”

    Once a deal is cut, “John” never go back on his word. LaCroix knew that. But uttering that proposal gave him the time needed to activate the killswitch codeword that would make the assassin’s implants to betray him and leave him paralyzed.

    Some problems are best suited for violent ends… and it is a good thing that “John”, or Snakebite, as he was known at the time, had once been in Zenith’s payroll. What Zenith gives, Zenith can take away.

    The code was sent. “John” smiles. A smile he should not be able to flash – still, despite the killswitch, he smiles. That smile – Death’s own grin mocking LaCroix for overbetting and coming short -, the last thing Richard ever sees. Snakebite’s arm is massaged by the gentle caress of pistol recoil.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This is an intriguing story, Ara. It is a bit more intricate than I initially thought. It definitely has a “ghost in the machine” type vibe to it.

      If I’m interpreted this correctly, then “John” is the ghost in the situation. He used to work for Mr. LaCroix and has now returned to seek vengeance against his old employer for dirty dealings and unfair treatment. Mr. LaCroix thinks he’s untouchable and therefore can’t be harmed or killed.

      So it’s very much like LaCroix thought that he could be the puppeteer when he knowingly installed these implants within “John”, now Snakebite, and left him for dead. And in the end, Snakebite gets his revenge, and LaCroix gets his comeuppance.

      And this is a story where the name of the company (Zenith) and its CEO (LaCroix) are known for shady, unethical business. Really intriguing use of the prompt.

      It definitely has the essence of a science fiction thriller. It’s really good. The title also made me laugh. It’s really, really well played.

      I would admit that I don’t get around to reading many of your stories, but I should start. They’re really good. I am so excited to see what you share next time. Thank you so much for writing and posting this.

      1. Aracnarquista Avatar
        Aracnarquista

        Thanks a lot for the comment and feedback, Luna!

        I’m very glad you found the story interesting. This one is really out of my comfort zone – it started out as an attempt to write an action-oriented piece (which I just gave up on trying after a while), but the characters and settings all have some pre-existing stories. In fact, Snakebite is an old character I made for a Shadowrun game (though here I am re-imagining him without any setting-specific elements, so as to reuse him in my own cyberpunk stories).

        My first draft for this one was in a different format, and in it I tried to explain a bit more who “John” is and why he was chosen for this hit job (and why he also chose to be part of this job), but that version was not working and in the rewriting he was taken in another direction. So for this story, we don’t follow his thoughts as much as I’d like us to – but he will appear again in other stories, and then I’ll be able to better present him.

        Also, I’m very, very glad you found the title funny. I had a long list of possible titles, and I felt like most of them wouldn’t really make a lot of sense – I was not sure if that one would convey enough information to make sense, but I’m glad you got it!

        I was trying to play with a variety of takes on the idea of names that hold power – the company certainly is one of them (and the implants being their technology also mean that “John” is still playing with that kind of power), and the CEO with enough fame and influence to threaten almost anyone and control the economy certainly is another. “John” being a guy who uses a variety of street handles in his job also has something of it – Snakebite is how he is portrayed in his high-stake hit jobs, and so that name alone also carries a lot of weight. “John”, on the other hand, implies there is some power in anonymity as well. The thing that he never goes back on his word is a matter of maintaining his reputation – which is also a way to keep his credibility – his name – in high regard. And, finally, the codeword is the name of a function that would start or interrupt a process in his implants – so here we have a name that enacts some power by its own broadcasting.

        And there is the small pun that a gold-lead alloy his no practical or interesting use, so it is an alloy without an interesting name (but that’s my own inside joke).

        Thanks again for the feedback! I love hearing or reading your opinion on the story!

    2. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      Well that was something I did not think we world get, a whole dang metal gear solid type of story. I know it is more thriller espionage but I can so see this in a MGS game. I also like the uses of split perspective, the building dread to the manic glee to the hope only to see despair.

      Very good story.

      1. Aracnarquista Avatar
        Aracnarquista

        “Snake! Snake? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!”

        Thanks a lot for the comment and feedback, Jesse Fisher. I didn’t see the comparison at all at first, but yeah, now that you pointed it out I can see the parallels. And I’m pretty happy with that comparison! I haven’t catch up with the latest… well, I don’t even know how many are there now… Metal Gear games, but I absolutely adored the first Metal Gear Solid when I first played it, and I find its story (convoluted and over-the-top as it is) incredibly compelling!

        As for the changes and the build up of different tones emotional tones and rhythms – if I was playing with longer formats, I’d like to introduce at least one more character to complement this mix even more, with yet another range of sensations… but I have already went overboard with the additional length of the story. But I’ll return to this character and its world in the future!

        Thanks again for the feedback!

    3. This is a really cool take on the prompt! You did such an amazing job with each scene, and I do always have respect for anyone who can manage to fit multiple scenes in these stories.

      Funnily enough, I initially misread what was happening. I think I took thinks a little too literal and assumed “John” was actually turning into living electricity to get past the security measures. Which had me very curious why someone with electricity powers would be using a gun at the end lol.

      On the second read, I realized he was a cyborg of sorts. But that didn’t take anything away from this piece. That actually made it more badass to me. It was all written very well. You make the reader feel the same thrill as “John” and I am thoroughly on his side by the time we get to the final showdown in the end.

      And that showdown was a satisfying read as well. It’s always good to see the cocky villain having that one last plan which doesn’t work. Pure chef’s kiss!

      Thanks for sharing!

      1. Aracnarquista Avatar
        Aracnarquista

        Thanks, Marx.

        I read it now again and I assume this is a very fair mistake to make, indeed. I was trying to squeeze a little bit of reference to the Walt Whitman poem “I sing the body electric” there, both as a way of implying that although “John” is being presently here as just a killer, he is indeed a cultured guy who enjoys poetry; and also just because I liked how that phrase would go making the contrast of what the poem talks about and then cutting to an assassin enjoying the craft of being in action invading a place and doing his dirty deed. But I can see how that and the sentences that go afterwards with that could also make it a little bit too confusing (specially if one does not catch or know about the poem to begin with).

        And the cyborg thing would be more easily understood at the beginning of the piece if we had the other prompt that also tied for the first place (synthesis of metal and flesh) – I took as a personal challenge to use both prompts at once, since they tied.

        And I’m glad with your reading on the story. There is some ambiguity in here, but on my mind and the way the story is going to go, although “John”‘s methods are certainly questionable, he is the hero of this one. And the ending being satisfying with the villain getting his comeuppance is something I was trying to go for as well.

        Thanks for the comment and feedback!

  9. WriterOfThought Avatar
    WriterOfThought

    The Devil is in the Details
    WriterOfThought

    I was the King Beneath before the war. I witnessed the deaths of Titania and Oberon. The gods knew me and never interfered with my domain. My minions never questioned my orders.

    My Mephistopheles was appointed carefully. I knew he would never usurp me, as he was prone to sloth. He would remain prince as long as I remained king.

    I lurked in the shadows, ready with gifts for those who would ask, for a price. My reign was glorious and full of splendor. I never wanted it to end.

    I was Underlord during the reign of the final Prodigy. I ascended from the Mephistopheles title after the war, and would never appoint a prince to succeed me. My daughter was set for my succession, but even then, plans changed.

    My reign was precarious and constantly challenged, but it would not end until I gave it my permission. No Angel or Demon or Hero could usurp me, even if they believed they had. All I had to do was wait. I had plenty of time.

    Many had questioned my viability as Underlord. There was not a single council in the Hells, Heavens, or beyond that didn’t think they could find a suitable replacement for me. But try as they might, I could not be dethroned. I would not allow it. It had to be the right time.

    I am the Ruler of the Hells after the Worldflame. I became one with the Hell Dragon to become War. Death is my brother, Famine a cousin, and Pestilence a close friend.

    I upended the tyranny of my sister. I brought the last war to an end, and brought about the dawn of a new era. I witnessed the births and deaths of kings and kingdoms the likes of which the world has never imagined.

    I am War; my reign is young. I know not how long I will last, or if I will be eternal. But I will do what is needed no matter the end.

    Long life to the King, the Underlord, the Ruler, and War.

    1. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      Okay, this is very interesting.

      If I am reading this correctly, the narrator is the title of king itself. Each time, someone is taking the whole and as they become the king, they also become the narrator. No one is named anything except for their title, and the story ends up singing the praise of conquest and the rise to the throne (and that leaves the fall of the previous ruler in the shadow – quite noticeable, but never stated, and that makes for a very interesting effect).

      I find it particularly interesting (and also, a little bit funny) that Mephistopheles here is a title as well. And that one can ascend (maybe, in this case, descend would also feel like the appropriate word) to the throne from it.

      This seems like an expanded meditation on the “the king is dead, long live the king” concept, and it really puts the reader in a meditative state on the idea of succession and how regal story is made and written.

      Great story. Thanks a lot for sharing it.

    2. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      Well that was a tale and a half, I could see this being an end boss in a DND campaign. The use of the fae as a starting point was neat but the build up was what truely sold it to me. Really great job taking this whole thing in three hundred and fifty words or less.

      Also nice uses of uncommon words.

    3. I like this. It’s an interesting story.

      I’m confused about how many characters are in this though. I know it’s at least two, I think there could be four, but beyond that I’m not sure.

      The ending is interesting, and I like the implication it’s after the apocalypse

  10. Rattus Avatar
    Rattus

    A Power Stolen
    by Gerrit (Rattus)

    Pain shot up Aila’s thighs as she was forced to kneel, her knees colliding hard with the ground. The two soldiers holding her wrists maintained an iron grip, their free hands holding their swords crossed in front of her throat.

    “You have betrayed not just the Seelie Court, but the entire realm of the fae,” Queen Titania began. “Your thirst for power and propensity for violence will see the ruin of us. What do you have to say for yourself?”

    Aila raised her head just enough to meet the Queen’s gaze. “I am merely trying to protect the world, something you clearly don’t care enough to do. You’re happy to hide away in your court and let the world of the mortals crumble, unaware, or perhaps willfully ignorant, that the fae realm would be next.”

    She felt the blades at her throat press tighter. She didn’t flinch. They would need to try a lot harder if they wanted to intimidate her.

    “If the evils come to our doorstep, then I shall protect my people,” the Queen said. “Until then, I will not waste precious lives and resources against a threat that is not ours.”

    “So you’re content to doom every last mortal to death, simply because you can’t be bothered to step in?”

    Queen Titania waved a dismissive hand. “I’ve had enough of this. I will allow you one final word, Aila, before I pass down your sentence.”

    Aila smiled. She had been waiting for this moment. Her final word was not of any language known. It was the gentle whispering of wind through the valley. It was the patter of spring rain. It was the rustling of autumn leaves as they tumbled to the ground.

    Fear exploded into the Queen’s eyes, prompting Aila’s smile to widen. She wondered how long it had been since the Queen heard her true name.

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Ok, so, if I’ve interpreted this correctly, Aila knows and has spoken Queen Titania’s true name, stealing her power. Am I close? How off am I?

      This is a really intense piece, Rattus. I love the resonance of how people in power think that they are untouchable simply because either danger has been avoided or beaten before, or it is never been at their doorstep. In this regard, the Queen is incredibly cocky and also ignorant. If there is a force or person or being that is decimating large parts of the world, then there is no reason it will stop and only those places.

      If my assumption is correct, I wonder if Aila will now be the Queen and can/will do something about the imposing threat. It’s quite an interesting route to take, and I would very much enjoy reading more about this. Regardless, it’s a great standalone piece. You write it well. Thank you so very much for sharing this one. I can’t wait to read more stories from you.

    2. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      Okay, I really love the premise behind this story. The idea that Aila knows the true name of Titania (and I think that implies knowing one’s true name gives one power over the Named) is quite interesting – and your description of the name utterance and its effect on Titania is really beautiful and interesting. That much I really, really appreciate.

      But I can’t help but feel like the story is a bit contrived just where it hurts it the most. It feels prompted for the end, and even though the punchline is beautifully written, I had a little bit of problem in accepting the build up as a natural progression. My problem is specifically with the idea of allowing Alia one final word. This seems way too perfect to how the story needs it to go, and is just a strange way to end the trial.

      Overall I really liked it. The character of Aila and the question her actions present make for some very interesting ideas. But I also have a hard time not seeing the hand of the author in this one.

      Anyway, thanks for sharing. It was an enjoyable reading.

  11. Laura Nettles Avatar
    Laura Nettles

    Initiation
    Laura Nettles
    326 Words

    Dual moons hung low in the twilight sky, dancing smoke rising from the ceremony fire twisted in patterns to be divined. The young one knelt next to the flickering flames, Elder Wisdom painting designs along their naked skin.

    “Worried?” the elder asked the soon to be initiated.

    The young one flicked their fingers towards the sky in affirmation, the mute language of children.

    “You are strong. Your name will find you.” Weathered fingers dipped back into the bowl of paint, before tracing sacred symbols that had been revealed by the Fire of Creation in the beginning of time. Lines bent, doubled back, and overlapped in ways that revealed the meaning of life if one was enlightened enough.

    Elder Family approached, anointing the initiate’s head with soot saved from the fire that had burned bright at the time of their birth. “It is time.”

    Shivers wracked the young one, but he stood tall. The heat of the flickering fire intensified. Smoke twisted downward, caressing the child on the verge of adulthood.

    They needed to take a step. To trust the Knower of All Things. To walk into the towering flames and claim their name. Have it fill their mouth and seep into their very essence. Unlock their tongue and bestow purpose.

    They took a breath and stepped.

    The warmth of a womb engulfed them, reds and oranges of the conflagration morphing to the hues of eclipsed celestial bodies. Colors they had never seen up close alighted along the painted lines on the surface of their skin before sinking deep. Sparks exploded in wonderous displays. The soot marking on their head tingled in recognition. Acceptance.

    “My child…” came a whisper. “Your name shall be…”

    The young one held their breath, entire body a world of nearly-painful tingles.
    Darkness shattered the fire, warmth and enlightenment fleeing.

    A shadowed voice boomed from the center of the ceremony circle. Child-speak finger flicks now gone, the adult pronounced: “My name is Destruction.”

    1. WriterOfThought Avatar
      WriterOfThought

      I quite liked this one. It has this otherworldly feel to it. The mystery of this world is fascinating, where children not only are not named, but cannot speak.

      But in that, I think it might have even been better if we did not get the new adult’s name. A name like Destruction makes the child feel like a god or like a primordial force, but if the new adult were left with the audience guessing the name, the possibilities would be endless rather than finite.

      Other than this one detail, you painted an excellent picture.

    2. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      The tone whiplash here is very powerful. This can make or break a story. In this one, I think it works very well in its favor.

      Your description of the naming ceremony feels very magical and mysterious, and the language used hints at something both poetic and precise.

      I particularly enjoy the paragraph about the step that needs to be taken. this sounds ritualistic not just in the context of the story, but it almost feels like secret knowledge hidden in the text. Very beautiful and gripping way of highlighting the theme of the story.

      I really like this one. This was a very enjoyable read, and I hope to read more from you in the future. Thanks for sharing.

    3. RVMPLSTLTSKN Avatar
      RVMPLSTLTSKN

      I really enjoyed this piece! Archaic fantasy is a genre that’s near and dear to me, and it’s uncommon enough that every entry is a treat. I’m very curious about the broader implications of the naming ceremony, but the importance of it as it fits with the rest of the tale is an excellent ending.

      Also, your prose is quite good!

      I have two critiques.
      Firstly, there’s at least one place where the younger one is referred to as ‘he’ rather than they. It’s an easy fix, and might not be a mistake, but it stood out.
      Secondly, the opening passage without the dependent clauses (“ Dual moons hung low in the twilight sky…. The young one knelt next to the flickering flames….) sets up the tale as being about moons rather than people. The story still works in this light, but is more fantastical and less empathetic. The relationship between those first two sentences isn’t all that clear, so watch out for that in future.

      Great job!

    4. This is such an amazing take on the prompt. Your descriptions paint such a wonderful image for this naming ceremony. It’s very easy to picture how it would look and the details help to ground it. Little things like the children being unable to speak until this ceremony is finished and how the painting symbols glow once he’s in the fire are just these really cool additions and that’s before you get to the ending.

      And end just adds another layer of “Oh damn,” to the whole thing. It just makes the reader all the more curious about where this is all going, which is always a good thing.

      Excellent story! Thanks for sharing.

    5. This is a very interesting story.

      The start is simple enough. Leaving you wondering if this is simply a tribal ceremony, or something from a world of actual magic.

      And then not only do we learn that, yes, there is magic here, but this might be something primordial, from the very dawn of creation.

  12. He’s a Radical Rat
    By Marx

    “I don’t get it!” Matt growled, sitting back in his chair, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I just want to free them! That’s all! But every time… every SINGLE time I free a muse, they insist on serving me!”

    Laila flashed Matt a bemused grin. “You want to know why that keeps happening?”

    “Enlighten me. Please.”

    “So… imagine, for a moment, that you’re human. Captured by evil whatevers and kept in a cell for years upon years. Then one day the cell door just… opens. And when you look outside, you see that your cell has an electric panel and a rat chewed through it. Would you feel appreciation to the rat?”

    Matt paused to think about it. “Of course.”

    “Would you feel the need to pay the rat back?”

    “Well… no. It’s a rat. Even if I tried to, it would just run away.”

    “Bingo!” Laila said with a laugh. “Now, rewind. Your cell door opens, but this time it’s another human. One actively freeing you and showing you how to escape. What changes?”

    “I’d be absolutely indebted to them. And if they needed anything from me, I’d be there for them. But that’s not the same as–“

    “Rewind,” Laila interrupted. “This time your cell door opens and it’s me. You don’t know me. And when I say it’s me, I mean…” Standing up, Laila spread her arms wide, unleashing her glowing, feathered wings, bathing the room in her holy light.

    Matt’s eyes narrowed. “Okay… Okay, I get it. So, the problem is me, specifically.”

    “You’re the horseman of Death. Everything you do is with the power and authority of that title.”

    “So… I need a rat…”

    Laila threw back her head in a loud laugh. “What goes into freeing a muse? You overpower their captor. You free the muse. Then you literally go into their minds and give them the equivalent of magical therapy for their trauma.

    “You could try to use a ‘rat’. But returning to the analogy, it would be a holy rat who you’d know was serving under a higher power.”

    “…dammit!”

    1. Laura Nettles Avatar
      Laura Nettles

      Nice! Reminded me of “Sandman” with the Muse that wanted to be released from her imprisonment by a human. I liked the banter between both characters. But what if it was a regular rat that the holy rat possessed which chewed through a prison door? Would that still leave a trace it was intelligent intervention? Bahaha! Fun logical discourse. I’ve never heard of a horseman of the apocalypse being named Matt before. Interesting choice.

      1. Lol I will fully admit that I got inspiration for muses in my world from that Calliope story in Sandman, so that is very intentional.

        And while the holy rat chewing through the panel works for the analogy, it would be very tricky to pull off in the actual situation. That’s why I put in the things that go into freeing a muse, which wouldn’t really work in making it appear as happenstance lol.

        As for the names though, that’s an ongoing joke in my world that a lot of most powerful beings have the most hilariously normal sounding names.

        Thank you so much for the review!

    2. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      This one gave me an extremely good chuckle, Marx. I love this dynamic because they bounce off of each other so well. The fact that Matt doesn’t understand the metaphor is simply a metaphor for how people see him and why they trust him after he saves them is hilarious!

      It’s rather sad, though, that no one knows him as Matt but instead as the horseman of Death. I do love that he turns it into an allegory, which is apt, given previous stories. I wish to see more of them together. I can’t wait to see what you write in future installments. Thank you so much for sharing this one.

      1. Thank you so much! Funnily enough, the reason Laila’s analogy works so well is because Matt still has such a hard time seeing himself other than human. It’s hard for him to grasp how powerful he is and how people will see a being with that much power.

        I do try to give Matt a slightly different dynamic with each of his familiars, and his relationship with Laila tends to be very fun and casual when he’s not teasing her. And even then its still a pretty fun relationship since they’ve known each other so long.

    3. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Oh my gosh, this is so fun, Marx!!

      The beginning almost reads as “Ugh, all these beautiful girls keep throwing themselves at me! Whatever am I to do?” XD

      “So… imagine, for a moment, that you’re human.”
      –Well, Matt *did* think he was human for a long time, right? So this probably isn’t hard to imagine

      I realized where the analogy was going early on (I was like “Ohh, it’s like a god coming to save you! That is different”) but I think that’s a testament to just how good it is. It flows so well and is very intuitive.

      “So, the problem is me, specifically.”
      –I don’t know why this phrasing is funny to me. Rather than “So the problem is I’m basically a deity.” it’s “Ah, okay, I’m the problem.” XD

      “So… I need a rat…”
      –And this conclusion is just hilarious XD

      I mean, a holy rat who’s serving a higher power is still better for Matt’s goals, right? The Muse might search for the “rat”‘s master, and they may find him, but at least they wouldn’t immediately insist on serving him.

      Do they magically know he’s the horseman? Laila says everything he does is tied to the title, but he’s also not giving the title out, right? Is there a way he could hide it?

      Sorry I don’t have more to say, this is just a cute, fun, and informative story!!

    4. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      I’m a bit confused by this one. There are some moments of it that I really enjoyed, but this is one of those stories in which I think we need previous knowledge of the setting to really dive into it, and even though I have come to know a bit about your setting, I don’t think I really got this one.

      Though I love the rat analogy and specially the timing of the “So… I need a rat…”. That was certainly not the solution I was expecting, and even after it being explained it still felt quite funny.

      But I am completely lost on the whole idea of “magical therapy” Laila is trying to explain. I feel like something just didn’t click to me for it all to make sense.

      Regardless of that confusion on my part, I really like how your dialogue flows. Conversation feels natural – even with such a supra-natural topic being discussed and Matt’s feelings are well conveyed through dialogue alone (I can point out his frustration, annoyance, a sense of urgency and him trying to come to terms and understand his presence effects on the muses) as well as Laila’s attempt to explain and her choice of analogy. All of these show character through dialogue alone, and that’s great.

      Thanks for sharing.

      1. That’s fair actually. The basic idea with that last explanation was that while for Laila’s analogy, you could argue that there are multiple ways you could free the prisoner and have it appear to be by chance, it’s a lot trickier with actually freeing a muse.

        The magical therapy line was the most concise and(I hoped) the most direct way of getting across that he literally goes into their minds(which are traumatized from being enslaved for so long) and basically gives them a magical shortcut to therapy. Which is something that he can’t make appear to just… happen.

        Won’t lie though, was absolutely fighting the word limit in this one lol.

        Thanks for the review! I’m glad you enjoyed it.

    5. I mean, the rest could have the army then.
      And if he REALLY wanted to, I’m sure he could do this without ever being seen.
      Or be like, “I, The Horseman of Death, accept your offer of servitude. I’ll call you when I need you to do something. In the meantime, go enjoy your freedom.”

      On the other side, it’s funny to imagine the muses as like, cats who got stuck somewhere, and Matt came along and unstuck them, and now they’re constantly doing figure eights around his feet and he’s like, “Damnit, just go be a cat somewhere else, I don’t want a pet!”

      I feel like it’s been a long time since we got to see Matt and Laila talking. It’s nice.

      1. What’s really funny about that is that’s EXACTLY what he does. He basically says in the future, he will ask them for something that will be of equivalent value to their freedom and in the meantime, act as if they’re already free. It does work, but technically it means he has a bunch of sleeper agents waiting for his orders.

        And the army is actually formed by the ‘holy rat’ situation. Freed muses team up with others who want to serve Matt and they free other muses in his name, allowing his following to grow even though he isn’t technically doing anything lol.

        And yes! Matt and Laila are adorable together. I really have to do more stories with them.

  13. Lunabear Avatar
    Lunabear

    Is Who We Are Who We’re Meant to Be? (A Song for: ???)
    by Lunabear

    The little girl watched the man, the one who’d introduced her to this new life a few short weeks ago. Standing atop a grassy knoll, proud and unencumbered, he looked over the horizon. The sinking sun cast a crimson glow to his charcoal-colored skin. He resembled, at least to her, stirring ashes in a fire. Something that could burn itself out if left unattended.

    He set his eyes upon her, and she stilled. Breath didn’t seize her lungs. The sluggish organ in her chest almost beat thrice.

    His smile bloomed, full and warm. “Ah! Awake at last. I was sure this sleep would be eternal for you.” He beckoned her with a curl of his fingers.

    A sliver of unpleasantness dripped down her spine, but she pushed it away, limping forward. The break should heal with one more daysleep, he’d promised. The night surrounding them was loud, rhythmic. Frogs croaked from a distance, crickets chirped, fireflies, or lightning bugs as they were called here, signaled to potential mates. They seemed almost like tiny fireworks.

    “Can you picture it, Newling?” he inquired. Spreading his arm in front of him, he indicated the field of flowers and grass before them.

    Her gaze, however, was drawn instinctually to the stars above.
    She allowed his words to sink in, nodding without truly comprehending what ‘it’ was.

    “A vision for your future, little one. You shall be unmatched, a marvel for the ages, modeled after your progenitor, of course.” A crooked smile displayed his sharpened fangs. His knee touched the green blades, and a heavy hand fell onto her shoulder. “You understand what needs to be done before we continue, yes?”

    “Forget who I was and embrace who I’m going to become.” The words were stated on autopilot.

    “And have you?” Sugarcane lacquered his question, but underneath was granite.

    Who she was before, that human girl, lingered within the darkest parts of her. She doubted it would ever be different. She looked down at her polished black shoes. “Yes.” The lie left a rancid aftertaste.

    “Good,” he purred. “We shall decide who you are now.”

    1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      This is so beautifully written, Luna!!

      I could tell this was Kit pretty early on, but I still think that the ??? is a cool meta thing in terms of the prompt. Yes, she’s Kit to us, but that was not always her name, and right now she doesn’t know who she is–more than that, is being asked to forget and be rewritten.

      This story has a fascinating tone. It’s soft, gentle, and the setting is beautiful with the flowers and fireflies. Yet something very dark indeed lingers under the surface–like catching glimpses of a snake within the flowers. Everything is *too* pretty, from the scene, to his voice/words, to her polished shoes.

      Remind me, in the sunshine story where she had a rare happy moment, did she play on this same grassy knoll?

      “He resembled, at least to her, stirring ashes in a fire. Something that could burn itself out if left unattended.”
      –This is a beautiful and intriguing description.
      I wonder if Kit is underestimating him in even her initial assessment–believing he’ll burn himself out, rather than the winds rekindling him.

      “Breath didn’t seize her lungs. The sluggish organ in her chest almost beat thrice.”
      –A beautiful and disquieting description of her new state.

      “His smile bloomed, full and warm.”
      –I don’t know if you’re purposely using the last prompt/challenge here, but it’s lovely!

      “Ah! Awake at last. I was sure this sleep would be eternal for you.”
      –This is curious. Is this the first time she’s awoken since he made her a vampire?

      “A sliver of unpleasantness dripped down her spine,”
      –This is a beautiful way to describe it, (so much more unique than “A chill ran down her spine.”!)

      “The break should heal with one more daysleep, he’d promised.”
      –I really like the phrasing of “daysleep.” It also emphasizes the unfamiliarity of it–later, it’ll probably just be “sleep.”
      What is “the break” though?

      “The night surrounding them was loud, rhythmic. Frogs croaked from a distance, crickets chirped, fireflies, or lightning bugs as they were called here, signaled to potential mates. They seemed almost like tiny fireworks.”
      –Beautiful description and use of my challenge! Like I said, your scene setting is so so good in this piece. Not only because it’s beautifully described, but because it serves a purpose of juxtaposing and/or hiding the darker aspects of what’s happening.

      “Sugarcane lacquered his question, but underneath was granite.”
      –Oh my gosh, this description! I don’t think I fully get the reference, but “Sugarcane” has plantation vibes to me, which is… properly icky for his character. It’s so much more powerful than using “sugar.”

      “Who she was before, that human girl, lingered within the darkest parts of her. ”
      –This is so sad. I wonder if that human girl still exists today

      “She doubted it would ever be different.”
      –I’m not quite sure what this means, though?

      “We shall decide who you are now.”
      –This is such a poetically-gross microcosm of what her maker does to her. He doesn’t let her be who she is, or who she wants to be. He shapes her in his image.

      The title is beautiful, and takes on such a sad tone after reading the piece. Like Kit is wondering exactly that…but over time, she will probably stop wondering. Not because she’s who she’s meant to be…but because she’s not allowed to wonder.

      Awesome job, Luna!!

    2. Rattus Avatar
      Rattus

      This was a wonderful piece, Luna! I’m curious to know who this little girl is, because I have a sneaking suspicion it’s a character I’ve met before, and my brain just isn’t making the connection. It’s interesting that she doesn’t seem, at least outwardly, very upset about becoming a vampire. It feels like she’s already accepted it, despite being recent. Makes me wonder if she knew what she was signing up for ahead of time, and chose this as a solution of some sorts.

      I really enjoyed reading this, thank you for sharing it!

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so much for the review! This is Kit (Nikita) my little vampire girl and her Maker. Your assumptions are correct. Even though it’s early in her transformation, she’s already been conditioned very heavily. She didn’t know at all. I won’t say too much to avoid spoilers, but he’s been in control since the very beginning. Her avoidance of meeting his eye is one of the limited ways she sees as protection for herself. Even if it doesn’t work.

        I’m so glad you enjoyed this. 💕

    3. Aracnarquista Avatar
      Aracnarquista

      Oh, I love the take you made on the prompt! Even though her maker wants her to forget her past so that she can trail something new ahead (and I dread to think what he plans as her “ahead”), the human girl still remains a force shaping what she will be.

      Not what I’d expect for the prompt, and that makes it even more interesting.

      This is Kit, right? I’m pretty sure this is her. I don’t remember any story I read in which her maker was physically present, so I was a bit surprised by his description.

      And I’m sure I have already said it once or twice, but I love how colorful your descriptions and your use of metaphor and comparisons are. This paints a very vibrant (even if dark) world for your characters to inhabit, and narratively, they fit perfectly.

      Thanks for sharing this story.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so much. This is indeed Kit and her Maker. And yes! She clings so closely to the little girl that she once was because it reminds her of her past and her humanity. And it will indeed shape her going forward. And her Maker plans nothing good for her, unfortunately.

        I’m so thankful you enjoyed the story and the descriptions. I had a time writing them, but it was fun.

    4. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      As an avid fan of Kit’s stories, I recognized this was her right off the bat, even if her name was never mentioned. So I was quick to recognize that this took place shortly after her turning.
      The way her maker is stripping down her identity, forcing her to forget everything about what she is is insidious and well done. There is such a frightening beauty to this that doesn’t quite hide the violence that Kit’s maker has inflicted on her to subjugate her.
      I’m fascinated that in a story about the “Power of a Name” that no names are used. Kit hasn’t been given one yet, and her maker’s name has yet eluded us in all these stories.
      This was such a fun read, Luna. Even if it wasn’t a fun subject.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so much, Masa. You are one of the main reasons I’m pushing so hard to write Kit’s origin. Your constant love and support truly keep me going.

        Yes. This is almost a month after she’s been turned.

        To the detriment of her, her Maker is very good at manipulation and breaking her down to bare bones just so he can build her back up the way he wants. I really love your description of the process.

        This story is the beginning of a transition of sorts for them both. By the end of it, she will have earned her new vampiric name, and he will have officially earned the title of her Maker. And not to worry; I have very big plans for revealing who he is. Just please be patient with me.

        I’m so very glad you enjoyed this story. I do so appreciate your feedback and critiques and reviews whenever you have the time. ❤️

    5. This is a…terribly beautiful story.

      All of your descriptions are excellent, and it’s such a peaceful moment on a beautiful scene.

      Except there’s a palpable tension and cruelty in the scene, whether you know of Kit or not. The casual mention of her walking on a broken bone is a perfect example.

      1. Lunabear Avatar
        Lunabear

        Thank you so much for your review, Mako.

        I really love the way you describe it, especially about the tension and the cruelty. No one else is really picked up on that. I think it might be too subtle. But I’m very thankful that you did. Also, thank you for mentioning that she’s walking on a broken bone. It’s one of the more literal examples of him breaking her/breaking her down to suit his own needs.

        I’m so glad you enjoyed this.

    6. This is such an amazing story. I do genuinely look forward to it. You have an amazing way with descriptions and this piece is another perfect example of it.

      It comes across as equally beautiful and terrifying which fits the situation perfectly. This might be the first story I’ve read where you get a description of Kit’s Maker, which is very interesting. His actions were… tame at first glance(for what you expect from her Maker, anyway), but it’s definitely there.

      I’m assuming from the limp, she has a broken leg that she’s walking on. And of course, the entire ending is one big massive manipulation. That she is unable to keep who she is to be remade in his image. And who knows what he’s already done because she’s clearly already fallen in line, or at the very least, keenly aware that she needs to appear to.

      I do like that she acknowledges that her humanity and sense of self are still there, she just has to keep them hidden, which gives the reader a glimmer of hope at least.

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