Writing Group: I Wasn’t Aiming for You (PRIVATE)

Hold it steady Cannoneers, Cosmonauts, and Whalers!

Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to, I promise! Please stop screaming! Because…

This week’s Writing Group prompt is:

I Wasn’t Aiming for You

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

This prompt is a tried-and-true action trope; a cocky hotshot pulls out a gun and shoots at the villain…only for the shot to go wide and the villain to laugh maniacally. That’s when the bullet hits the intended target: a street sign that falls over and knocks the villain out cold. It’s cheesy, but it works. Now…how do we write stories out of that?

The first place my mind goes to is weapons. Whether swinging, stabbing or shooting, all weapons require you to aim. You could write about a sniper hitting the wrong target, a knight cutting down his own page, or even a soldier blindly tossing a grenade over a wall. Or maybe that was the intent; think of the thief who aims for the giant keg behind his opponent, soaking them in beer. Or else, maybe an unforeseen element comes into play like a drunk stumbling between the dartboard and the players. 

You could go fantastical with it. Perhaps a time traveler tries to shoot someone through time only to find out they’re not there anymore. A superhero might be aiming their laser blast at a villain…and accidentally hit a civilian. Or vice versa. They could even accidentally save the villain’s alter ego, unaware it’s really them. Magic works well too, but you don’t have to stop at lightning blasts and fireballs. Maybe a witch intends to turn the prince into a frog…but accidentally hits his servant. Maybe a necromancer is trying to raise a corpse…but accidentally brings a streetlamp to life, not even knowing they could do that. This way you can have scenarios of all sorts—from hilarious to heroic to horrific!

An interesting adjacent take on this prompt is an authorized strike. This prompt isn’t about the shot; it’s about the aiming. The person who aimed could very well be the big wig sitting safely away from the battle. Maybe they authorize a bombing of a certain city…not realizing their family member is currently vacationing there. Maybe an evil queen creates a law she never thought would affect her loved ones. 

Most sports have something you’re aiming for, whether it be the basketball at the hoop or trying to get your horse to jump over the right log fence. You could write about the wrong teammate catching the ball, or about one player accidentally hitting someone hard enough to hurt them. You could write about getting the wrong person out in dodgeball, despite a pact made. You could even do something like the episode of Ted Lasso where Dani Rojas accidentally hits their greyhound mascot with the ball instead of the goal. 

What about a camera? It’s only too easy to get a picture of someone you weren’t “aiming” for. Perhaps you want to write about a paparazzi who discovers evidence of a crime on their camera roll. Or you could write about a skeevy person trying to get pictures of their crush…without their current significant other in them. 

Even information can be sent to the wrong person. You could write about the spy trope where briefcases are switched, where a random passerby accidentally picks up the briefcase full of government secrets. Another common trope/joke you could play with is hitting “reply all” in an email, and sending sensitive information to way too many people. Letters are another way information might be sent to the wrong person. (The beginning of Dear Evan Hansen I think has two great examples of this). A letter could contain many different things you might not want sent to the wrong person. If a love letter suffers this fate, and the unintended recipient accepts the profession of love…things could get very messy very quickly. 

Love could be aimed at the wrong person in many different ways. Not just a letter, but flowers sent to the wrong address, chocolates put in the wrong locker, even blown kisses could be mistaken in the hallway. It’s a common experience to think someone is waving at you…when actually they’re waving at someone behind you, after all. One of the most fun uses of this could be Cupid’s/Eros’ arrows. I could see lots of fun takes on Cupid accidentally hitting the wrong person. You could even play with a retelling of the Psyche story, where he accidentally shoots himself. 

That itself could be another really fun use of the prompt: what happens when the person aiming accidentally hits themselves? Voldemort’s killing curse backfiring on himself could count as this. What happens when a witch accidentally drinks her own potion, or a mad scientist accidentally shrinks himself? 

Accusations and threats, or praise and jokes, all work. You can easily accuse the wrong person—whether it be “You left this ice cream out to melt!” or “You murdered this man!”—as well as threaten the wrong person—be it aloud, or in writing. Recent real-life events have taught me that even something as official and important as a Cease and Desist can be sent to the wrong person. A boss might want to praise one employee, and accidentally send it to someone they are intending to fire. 

But this prompt doesn’t have to be negative. It could be especially intriguing to see how you could take it in positive directions—how the recipient is actually very happy to receive…whatever it is, and the aimer must decide if they’re going to tell them the truth, or roll with it. 

I could see this prompt having a vast variety of tones, from extremely dark, to extremely funny. The focus could change the story too; the whole story could focus on the aiming, only to end with a wail of pain coming from the wrong person; or perhaps the story doesn’t include the actual firing, only the aftermath where they’re desperately pleading with their victim. 

My first challenge for you is a simple content challenge: this prompt lends itself very heavily towards weapons, my challenge to you is to think outside the box and write about something other than a weapon being aimed. You could add extra challenges to this as well—level one being “Don’t write about a weapon,” level two being “Write about something more symbolic being aimed,” level three being “Write about this being something positive (or received positively),” and level four being “Write about the person accidentally hitting themselves.” (You can mix and match, as always!) 

My second challenge is to use the structure, syntax, grammar, etc. of the story to pair well with the content. What I mean by this is that if your character is very carefully aiming, be intentional about the technical aspects of your story to make it feel like the story itself is aiming. However, if your character is scatterbrained, structure the story in a scattered way. Don’t just tell us a character is careful, show us the carefulness in our reading. Don’t just tell us a character is messy, make us feel their messiness in the very structure of the story.  

Remember, these challenges aren’t mandatory! They are meant to be a fun bonus if you’d like to have a little extra challenge. But, if you don’t want to use them, please don’t feel obligated to!

Oh, you don’t mind? That was a scream for joy? Well umm…cool I guess. I’ll just be going, then!

—Pearce & Kaylie

Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

Tune into the stream this Saturday at 3:00pm CST to see if you made the cut!

The whole purpose of this is to show off the creativity of the community, while also helping each other to become better writers. Lean into that spirit! Get ready not just to share what you’ve got, but to give back to the other writers here as well.

Rules and Guidelines

We read at least five stories during each stream, two of which come from the public post, and three of which come from the much smaller private post. Submissions are randomly selected by a bot, but likes on your post will improve your chances of selection, so be sure to share your submission on social media!

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Comments

31 responses to “Writing Group: I Wasn’t Aiming for You (PRIVATE)”

  1. jesse fisher Avatar
    jesse fisher

    The sound will be missed
    By Jesse Fisher

    The sound was the last thing that entered the now shattered eardrum. Falling to the ground, something wet fell on my hands. Was it mine or did luck save me again. My mind began to fade back to how I ended up here.

    —-

    It was just a boring day, my job was just to drop off a package. I get paid less than my value but I rather get a job that I can just be out of the house. I don’t question what is in the boxes, nor where I go.

    Back alleys were common, a knock on a door and “leave it by the door” as a response that washes my hands of whatever this is. Then the sound of a door screamed into my ear and my feet moved faster than my head.

    The loud bang came from my left and fell to the ground.

    —-

    My eyes hurt as a blinding white light filled my vision, I tried to move my arms but the jerk on them caused me to look towards it. Them being able to move gives me hope but the jerk makes me worried.

    I tried to get up, but my legs did not respond yet my back could move. All of this ran in my mind, then I felt something touch me. I jerked but while doing so I noticed my eyes had adjusted, but something was still off.

    I could see this was now a hospital and the one that touched me was an officer. My voice echoed in my mouth but it did not sound right.

    It was only after I calmed down that I noticed the paper.

    “Can you hear me?” it read.

    It was then that it clicked in my head in the craziest ways, I was shot at. That is why I can’t hear now.

    I yelled this to the officer, my rage was great but once I calmed down they had another note.

    “They were trying to kill you.”

  2. WolfsbaneX Avatar
    WolfsbaneX

    “Entries from Project Jiyesid Tagustul K’bisa”
    By Hemming Sebastian Bane (Jinndina)

    Entry #1

    Experiment Leader: Shaima Euluim

    Experiment Codename: Project Jiyesid Tagustul K’bisa

    Duration of Experiment: Nine months

    Statement by Experiment Leader: Samples were collected from a donor with parents’ consent. Donor is best described as a female djinn of hatif heritage with “boyish tendencies” according to her mother. It is the opinion of the research team that the donor is an ideal subject for this project. The team has observed the specimen, and its development has progressed as expected. Testosterone replacement has been a simple procedure so far. Everything is going according to plan.

    Entry # 5

    Experiment Leader: Shaima Euluim

    Experiment Codename: Project Jiyesid Tagustul K’bisa

    Duration of Experiment: Seven years

    Statement by Experiment Leader: The team has vaccinated the specimen and reported its growth to be nominal. A schism has started to form between my personal team and team members hired by my sponsor. It is my personal team’s professional opinion to develop the brain so that in the scenario we believe may come to pass, there is less risk for neurological damage. Others have asserted that such efforts would force the specimen to develop in a metaphysical sense and may make this project unethical. A compromise is yet to be reached.

    Entry #9

    Experiment Leader: Shaima Euluim

    Experiment Codename: Project Jiyesid Tagustul K’bisa

    Duration of Experiment: Thirteen years

    Statement by Experiment Leader: The team has elected to develop the mind of the specimen and supplement the activity with mind altering chemicals. Close examination of brain activity is necessary to ensure specimen integrity remains intact. While a compromise has been reached, the schism remains. Other members of the project team have reported to me incidents in which during mind enrichment activities the specimen has spoken. Efforts to corroborate their stories have been met with a lack of sufficient evidence. I fear they may be correct, but until I have proof, I can do nothing.

    Entry #VHlwZSAiSW5

    Experiment Leader: jaWRlbnQgMTkz

    Experiment Codename: IiBpbiByZXBse

    Duration of Experiment: SB0byB0aGlzIHN0b3

    Statement by Experiment Leader: Experiment JTK compromiJ5IGZvciBtb3Jl Specimen has escIGluZm9ybWF0aW Lab team in critical condi9uLg==

    END OF ENTRIES FOR THIS PROJECT.

  3. Lunabear Avatar
    Lunabear

    Who Says Trophies Are Easily Won?
    by Lunabear (CW: Violence, blood, death)

    The heat of the mid-day sun was unrelenting.

    A slug whizzed above Charles’ perspiring head. It ricocheted from hard tree bark and disappeared into thick underbrush.

    “What fun is the game if you don’t run, old sport?” Edwin chuckled with derisive glee. The reloading of his sturdy shotgun echoed.

    Charles almost threw up his lungs, but still circled to the other side of the tree. Without sense of direction, he stumbled his way through the untamed jungle. His heart pounded as though it meant to escape, and the blood rushing within his ears matched the harshness of his breathing.

    Edwin’s jovial whistle called to the sky. “I am hoping we can drag this out a little more, dear boy. What with Julie having sacrificed herself, it doesn’t seem like you all will win.”

    Bile doused the back of his throat. Julie’s head had been a macabre crimson painting against the jungle floor. Charles couldn’t decide if Edwin was closer or further away than before. Regardless, he wasn’t keen on finding out. At least Ian and Miranda were safe. He hoped.

    Spying a coiled vine, Charles rushed to climb it. A knife sailed and cleaved the flora in half. Charles yelped as he fell and thumped against the earth beneath him.

    “Tsk, tsk, Charles! Surely, you can do better than hiding! Be a man!” Edwin’s growl reverberated from everywhere at once.

    Charles swiped his forearm across his forehead and sat with some trouble. His elbow screamed out when he put weight on it. “Come on, little Charlie. Don’t let him beat you!” Shoving to his feet, he pitched from side to side. The world spun, but he kept his feet moving. Desperate, he dove into a shaking bush, landing face down into the dirt.

    “Charles!” Ian hissed.

    Charles bolted upright, his eyes wide. “Oh! You’re alive!” His friends were as haggard as he was.

    “Edwin’s gone mad!” Miranda moaned.

    A shot parted the brush and propelled Ian backwards. He screamed, holding his bloody shoulder.

    “Damn!” Edwin lamented. “That one was for Miranda!”

    Ian was tended to while another slug was chambered.

    1. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      I said before, I love the take you had on The Most Dangerous Game. This one was a bit of a fun read, Luna. Edwin seems so unhinged in this. And you portray Charles’s tension and weariness perfectly. I can feel the pain he’s going through. Once again, you have managed to immerse me in your story. Thank you for writing.

    2. Me: Wait… is someone throwing slugs(as in the snail-like animal) at people? At superspeed? Because that’s hilarious.

      Gun? Wait, so it’s a gun that shoots slugs? Because that’s even funnier. Wait… waaaaait… Bullets. They’re bullets. Okay, clearly need to start this over from the beginning…

      ***

      Lol now that I’ve read the story correctly, it’s not nearly as funny but no less entertaining. I think I remember these two talking in a previous story before. And I remember liking Edwin then too.

      In this story, he seems especially unhinged, which makes him that much more of a terrifying villain, especially since you never actually see him. You just see the results of what he’s doing, letting you know he’s close but giving you no idea of an actual direction, which is horror fuel for both Charles and the reader.

      I thought at first there might be too many names in the story, but it actually works with how you used it. It gives it a good scale of how many people Edwin is hunting and makes it clear that they all know each other, making this hunt even worse, somehow.

      The dark part of me chuckled when it got to the actual prompt, so I’d say you definitely succeeded in making a horrible villain who clearly enjoys what he does.

      I’d still argue that it might be minorly improved with a gun that fires living slugs, but I suppose bullets make more sense for the tone.

      Loved this take on the prompt! Thanks for sharing!

    3. I have a vague memory of a story that implied it was leading to a situation like this. Did you write that? Is this a sequel?

      The thing I like about the ending, is that it implies to me that Edwin isn’t some great, long time, world traveling, hunter who has gotten bored with things like elephants and tigers. He’s just a psychopath with a gun on an island. (…are they on an island?)

  4. Not Mad, Just Dissapointed (Chronicles of The Dragon)
    By Makokam

    The warehouse was full of caged therians. They cowered, glared, cursed, and struggled against the bars. The stronger ones were chained up as well.

    The Black Fox mercenaries had been hired to collect a few dozen therianthropes, and after a month of stalking and snatching animal-people, they’d met their quota and were eager for their quarry to be picked up and to get their pay. Now they just needed to guard them until they were picked up.

    They were disciplined enough to wait until the mission was actually done, but the excitement of a huge payday coming their way was palpable. Perhaps that’s what made them let their guard down, as they didn’t realize they had an intruder until he spoke.

    “I thought better of you.”

    They all reacted instantly, turning their weapons on the man wearing a long coat and smoking a cigarette. Fox herself addressed him, “So you’ve heard of us! But if you know our reputation, then you should know that we’ll take any job if the pay is high enough.”

    He shot her a glare. “I wasn’t talking to you.” He took the cigarette out of his mouth. “I was talking to her,” and he jabbed it at a small curly-haired cat girl.

    “I’m sorry!” she said, “They ambushed me! But look, I’ve almost got this…” The mercenaries all turned and watched, confused, as she pulled at her chains. Her jaw set and muscles went taught as she pulled and pulled, and then the chains holding her snapped. She let out a breath, then bent the bars on her cage and jogged over to the man.

    A more proactive mercenary drew their weapon on them, but the man instantly pointed a finger at him, a fireball at its tip, without looking away from the girl.

    “So, do you want to get out of here, or get some payback?”

    “Payback!” she said, punching a fist into her palm and dropping into a three point stance.

    “Nice,” he said, flicking his cigarette away.

    The first few mercenaries were down before it even hit the floor

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Love a good Jonathan-Berri team up, and it’s a smackdown, no less. A very straightforward story, but still enjoyable. I hope the Black Fox mercenaries will be in future installments. I wouldn’t mind getting to know them better.

      Critiques:

      Her jaw set and muscles went taught (taut) as she pulled and pulled, and then the chains holding her snapped.

      The first few mercenaries were down before it even hit the floor(.)

      Always fun reading about your characters and your world building, Mako. I can’t wait to read the next story. Thank you for writing and sharing this one.

    2. MasaCur Avatar
      MasaCur

      Would I be right to assume that this is Jonathan and Berri? These mercenaries bit off way more than they can chew. This is most certainly not going to end well for them.
      The Berri reveal was excellent. I can just imagine her being all, “I’m sorry, I know I messed up. But give me a second, and I’ll be out of here.” And then just breaking herself out as all the Black Fox mercenaries stare on in amazement.
      Anyway, I can just imagine the short, but intense ass kicking that is going to befall them. Fun read, Mako.

    3. Lol this is such a fun story. It got a few chuckles out of me, especially with the casual nature of Berri and Jonathan’s conversation as she freed herself.

      That said, you clearly need to do more stories of Berri kicking ass because I didn’t know she was strong enough to break chains and bend bars like that. I just assumed catgirl=agility and that was that. It was a very cool visual.

      In fact, I’d say besides the dialogue being fun, what I really enjoyed was the descriptions of everything. It was really easy to picture what was going on.

      Great take in the prompt! Thanks for sharing!

  5. Glaceon373 Avatar
    Glaceon373

    Target Practice (Students of the DiamondBridge Academy universe)
    by Carrie (Glaceon373)

    Roselyn walked along the line of study rooms, glancing through the windows of each one until she saw a familiar face. She couldn’t help but smile as she opened the door.

    The hinges had barely enough time to squeak before a loud noise cut them off: a booming impact inches from Roselyn’s face.

    “Oh my gosh!” Sam, dropping a bunch of foam shapes, shuffled Roselyn inside the study room, closing the door. “Did that hit you? I’m pretty sure it didn’t, but…?”

    “W-what just happened?” Roselyn asked.

    “Nicklescribe’s homework. Apparently we’re getting tested on our knife-throwing ability now? Not with real ones!” Sam proved this by picking up a foam knife and squishing it. “But with how far we are from the syllabus already, we all doubted it.”

    Roselyn now noticed the hand-drawn target taped to the door she’d just walked through. It had a lot of impact marks near the center.

    “Well,” Roselyn mused, “you seem pretty good at it. Mind helping me with the history homework instead?”

    “Sure!” Sam shoved the knives to the side. “What do you need?”

    ~~~

    Roselyn took a deep breath and slid on her blindfold.

    She knew exactly what her spellcasting range looked like. She knew exactly where her feet were on her bedroom floor, and she knew exactly where the target was in front of her.

    She did not need her eyes to cast a simple icicle spell. Well, it wasn’t simple, but it was on her next test from Prof. Paqulamar, so she needed to do it.

    Flick!

    Clink!

    “Did I get it?” she asked the empty room.

    “Yup! Bullseye. Nice job—”

    “SAM?!”

    Roselyn ripped the blindfold off. Sure enough, Sam was there, appraising the two-foot icicle sticking out of the target.

    “What? How?! Are you hurt? Oh goodness, I—”

    “You left your history homework with me, remember? I’m here to bring it back. And I’m not hurt, because you’re awesome. Also, here’s your homework.”

    Roselyn took the papers from Sam, still discombobulated. “Do you think there’s a reason our assignments have been so… violent lately?”

    “I… hope not.”

    “Yeah. Me too.”

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Leaving us off on a wonderful mystery, indeed, Carrie! At least Rosie is practicing as hard as she’s able. I do sincerely hope it’s nothing bad.

      Despite the possible gravity of the situation, this one is sweet and wholesome, as I’ve come to expect from you. Target practice is a great way to use the prompt. I never tire of reading adventures and interactions between and about these two. I can’t wait to see what you post next time. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this one.

    2. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Every time I read Diamondbridge I fall more in love with it. The idea that their assignments slowly get further and further away from the syllabus and more and more violent is just hilarious and wacky and feels so accurate to how Nicklescribe is.

      I like the mirror nature of this piece as well. They’re both doing their own target practice and missing in different ways. That was a really cool take on the prompt.

      “The hinges had barely enough time to squeak before a loud noise cut them off: a booming impact inches from Roselyn’s face.”
      —you tell this really well from Roselyn’s perspective, so that we as the reader experience what she’s experiencing: a loud noise, a booming impact.

      “Nicklescribe’s homework. Apparently we’re getting tested on our knife-throwing ability now? Not with real ones!” Sam proved this by picking up a foam knife and squishing it. “But with how far we are from the syllabus already, we all doubted it.”
      —XD So funny and great. I love how they’re all like aware that this is probably going to become real.

      “She did not need her eyes to cast a simple icicle spell. Well, it wasn’t simple, but it was on her next test from Prof. Paqulamar, so she needed to do it.
      Flick!
      Clink!”
      —i loved this. It’s fascinating that she doesn’t need her eyes for spells, and I’m curious to see that explored more. And then “it’s not simple but it’s on the test” is so funny and relatable. And then I love the onomatopoeia.

      “Do you think there’s a reason our assignments have been so… violent lately?”
      “I… hope not.”
      —This is kinda fascinating because usually you *want* there to be a reason, but a benign one. It’s interesting they want it to be no reason at all.

      So…I got really confused in the second half and it took a bit of sleuthing to figure out what the issue was. It was the fact that I thought Roselyn’s spellcasting *was* her homework that she wanted help with, and that the break was more of a skipping of all the setup. So then when she asks if she got it, Sam answers, and then she’s completely shocked Sam is there….it was incredibly confusing to me, because I thought Sam was already there helping her.
      After a few more times rereading it, I noticed it said *history* homework, *bedroom* floor, and *empty* room. So maybe it’s my fault for missing that. But I thought I’d mention it.

      It’s been a little while since I read anything from you, and it is lovely to read your work again!! Especially Diamondbridge, as always <3

  6. EddySc Avatar
    EddySc

    Beneath a Blanket of Stars
    by Alexsander Edwards

    Under the evening sky, She lied down on the grass, her crimson hair glistening under the bright light of a full moon. From inside the cabin, He smiled.

    Stopping for a moment to look through the window, his hands still grasping the wine bottle, He felt both at peace and endlessly anxious at once. And yet, this sensation was pleasant. ‘Is this love?’ He thought.

    Snapping from his own mind for a moment, He put the bottle on the kitchen counter and went on to find his corkscrew. ‘I never thought I’d see the day,’ He mused. ‘But here I am…’

    She looked at the stars, appreciating the beauty of the Milky Way’s many arms stretching across the skies, shining their own oh-so-subtle light on the meadows.

    Hearing a creaking noise, She sat up and looked back at the cabin, its front door now open, as He stood, occupying the frame. On his face, a smile – and in his hands, two glasses of red wine.

    She smiled back as a sense of warmth washed over her body. Handing over a glass of wine, He sat next to her, both sharing a toast under the moonlight.

    ‘I never thought I’d be here,’ She contemplated. ‘But I like this.’

    The couple lied down on the grass, each wrapping an arm around their partner’s shoulders, appreciating the soft breeze and the beauty of the heavens. He could feel his heartbeat slow down as the warm embrace brought comfort and calm.

    For hours, the two took turns pointing at constellations, sharing fun facts and stories, and laughing at their own jokes. Hours upon hours passed, until He noticed, looking to his side, that his partner had eventually fallen asleep.

    As the wind stroke his hair, so did He softly stroke hers with a gentle smile on his face. ‘You were never the one I was looking for,’ He thought to himself, before looking up to the blanket of stars that adorned the moment. ‘But you are definitely the one.’

    1. Lunabear Avatar
      Lunabear

      Truly a lovely, heartwarming piece, Eddy! One thing I really love is how we get the story from both perspectives and neither of them are sure if this is love. Despite that, they’re happy and content to simply exist in each other’s presence. To enjoy the moment and each other. It’s a beautiful memory that I’m sure will last them a lifetime.

      Critiques:

      For hours, the two took turns pointing at constellations, sharing fun facts and stories, and laughing at their own jokes. Hours upon hours passed, until He noticed, looking to his side, that his partner had eventually fallen asleep. (You mention hours pass twice here. I think removing one of the sentences would help this part flow better.)

      As the wind stroke(d) his hair

      Honestly, this is the type of love, the type of intimacy, that I yearn for. It gives me hope that it’s possible, so long as I’m still alive. Thank you so very much for this one, Eddy. Even though this kind of story isn’t something you’re accustomed to writing, please know that captured the moment excellently. I happily await your next story.

    2. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Aww I love this, Eddy!! Just the lovely, gentle, romantic piece I needed to cheer me up right now.

      I love the atmosphere of this piece. Despite there being scene breaks, the whole thing flows really well, to the point where I feel a similar peace to the main character. I can just picture the stars, and safety of this scene.

      “He felt both at peace and endlessly anxious at once. And yet, this sensation was pleasant. ‘Is this love?’ He thought.”
      —I love this. I wasn’t expecting the “is this love?” But it feels so accurate, and again, it’s said in that same soft atmosphere. It tells you the theme and meaning of the piece as a whole in a beautiful way.

      “As the wind stroke(d) his hair, so did He softly stroke hers with a gentle smile on his face.”
      —I just really enjoyed this image. Feels like a microcosm or the flow of the piece.

      “‘You were never the one I was looking for…But you are definitely the one.’”
      —I adore this. Often when people talk about finding the one, they *do* refer to it as “you are the one I’ve been looking for.” I love the the idea and the honesty of “you’re the one, even though I wasn’t looking for you.”

      I’m sure you purposely kept their identities secret, but my guesses are Hades and Persephone, or Eros and Psyche.

      I think my only real question at the moment is…this is all one scene, right? So I’m actually curious as to why you had the scene breaks in the first place. They work, and don’t trip me up. But when I got to the end I was just curious.

      So happy to see you posting again!!

  7. Fog Wall Avatar
    Fog Wall

    Breaking Breakfast
    ~Fog Wall

    The Speakeasy we called home was empty this early in the morning and while I sat with a bowl of cereal, I couldn’t stop looking at James who had fallen asleep on the bench of one of the booths off in the corner. I ate my cereal dry, because soggy grains just weren’t appetizing.

    Clacking my hooves off the floor below me whilst lost in thought, debating the content of our work and the crimes we were committing. Is it worth it? Granted, this was all in an effort to better the lives of millions. Taking down or bringing to light the criminals of higher stations.

    The rapid tapping below me was thoroughly tuned out and I lazily chewed on a pinch of grains. Sure, this is the only life I’d ever known, being orphaned and taken in by this gang of information brokers. Couldn’t there be a better life to be carved out in this city?

    I fidgeted, looking at a piece of cereal I held up. Accidently crushing it, the broken chunks fell to the tabletop. Scooping out some more, I dropped them into my mouth and began chewing slowly. This is my home. They are my family. Surely I should do everything in my power to keep them safe.

    Frustration boiled just behind my eyes. Taking a few quick deep breaths, I almost wanted to scream it out. I didn’t like this life. I don’t want this future. To be a criminal, yet a Robin’s Hood.

    I stood abruptly, sweeping my forearm across the table; hitting the bowl and sending it flying across the room. “It’s not fair!”

    I expected to hear the bowl crash, but only heard the cereal scatter across the floor. I whipped around to see James standing nearby, the bowl held from the bottom in one hand.

    “Koelle? What’s not fair?” He asked in a leveled tone.

    My eyes burned, threatening to tear up as a pressure built behind my brow. I looked away, punching the table as hard as possible. My fist broke straight through the wood, unphased.

    1. Lee Strangely Avatar
      Lee Strangely

      This was a nice little introspective piece, with an atmosphere that felt straight out of an old grungy looking western. There are one or two places in which I found the wording a bit weird, but not bad at all. Unless it was intentional, I think it should be Robin Hood rather than “Robin’s Hood.” Also, unless the character is intended to be a horse, I wouldn’t recommend referring to the main character feet as hooves (maybe instead “like hooves”), while also having him eating grains. Overall though, I thought this was pretty good. Keep up the good work!

  8. Lee Strangely Avatar
    Lee Strangely

    Icicles (Amelia)
    by Lee Strangely

    Even as the seared meat steamed on the table, the air seemed thick with cold awkwardness. While Amelia and Prince Lorn kept to themselves, the King and his General debated aloud.

    The General spoke, “I would recommend that you prepare soon. Winter’s practically on us. We wouldn’t want to let the cold in, would we?”

    “I suppose you’re right…” The King mumbled.

    “Winter’s such a horrible season, isn’t it?” his eyes drifted across the table, towards the prince and his witch, “So dark, and cold…”

    “You could always put on more clothes, if you don’t feel comfortable.” Amelia jeered.

    “Should a man have to cover himself further just to walk in his own home? I’d take the hottest summer over the coldest winter.”

    “But what if his home gets too hot?”

    “Then he can enjoy the outdoors’ warm embrace.”

    She raised an eyebrow, “And what if that gets too hot?”

    “Then… he’ll do away with unnecessary clothing,” the General faltered, still projecting some confidence.

    “I see…” Amelia smirked, “And once he runs out of clothing, will he be rid of his dignity as well?”

    The King gave a drunken chuckle.

    Lorn finally butted in, “Honestly, I quite like the winter. It’s very beautiful. I particularly love the icicles that hang from the ledges, glistening in sunlight.”

    “Yes, the icicles… Beautiful, aren’t they? Clinging to the brick, dangling over us. Dazzling us, distracting us as they grow longer. And grow, and grow till the bricks can’t hold them anymore. And then… They drop. And when they’re high enough up, they’ll kill anything… in… their path.”

    Lorn caught a glimpse of the flames that spewed from her glare. His hand hovered over hers, He could feel the frost that was forming around it.

    He whispered, “Don’t.” Lorn then turned back to the General, “Seems a bit harsh…”

    “Winter’s a harsh season… besides, we’re only talking about weather…” he looked directly at the two, feigning innocence. “Aren’t we?”

    Amelia’s hand then seemed to fly from her chair. While the General flinched, Lorn jumped to stop her.

    She paused, “I just wanted another drink.”

    1. Fog Wall Avatar
      Fog Wall

      I love the way this one is written. Foreboding, tentative talks over a winter-bound war and icy metaphors. I do enjoy the way you present these characters and explore them, even in a word count so restrictive. Such as when the king looks at the prince and his witch.

      I did get a good chuckle from the clothing conversation and the snarkiness of it all. lol, excellent story, thank you for writing it.

  9. Rattus Avatar
    Rattus

    Made Ya Look
    By Gerrit (Rattus)

    Yaichi pulled the trigger, eyes locked with the demonic creature before him. This was his one shot, he knew. These things were fast, and the distance between them was short enough that it could reach him before he could ready another shot.

    The bullet sped through the air. As it approached the hulking beast, it leaned to one side, the projectile flying through the air past it. It’s face twisted into a rictus, muscles tensing in preparation for a counter attack.

    “You missed,” it grumbled, voice deep and rumbling. Its snarl revealed a row of sharpened teeth, yellowed and blackened.

    Yaichi watched as the bullet continued its trajectory, directly towards where Marik was standing, shield at the ready.

    He saw the bullet strike Marik’s shield, the energy rippling out from the point of impact. The bullet seemed to fade into the shield for a moment, before protruding back out facing the opposite way. Yaichi smiled, and the monster noticed too late.

    The bullet shot from the shield, still carrying all the momentum of when it first left the muzzle. It caught the enemy through the chest from behind before it could even think of reacting, inky blood quickly staining the front of its armour.

    The beast tried to snarl, the sound coming out breathy and faint. It dropped first to its knees, then onto its face. Yaichi and Marik converged on either side of the fallen body.

    “These things are so full of themselves,” Yaichi said as he shook his head. “Always think I’m aiming for them.”

    1. Fog Wall Avatar
      Fog Wall

      Ooo! I do like a magical item. A shield that reflects projectiles is wonderfully creative. To use it as a way to rebound an apparently missed shot, I dare say, that’s spectacular! Fantastic work. I couldn’t find anything to critique, but then again, I’m not much of a critic.

      I do wish there was more here on the monster they just slew, as it has intelligence and seems to be fairly capable. I’m curious as to what level of social construct they have, if they got armor and such… but I’ll just assume demons and demon slayers.

      Wonderful writing! Keep up the good works. :]

  10. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
    i-prefer-the-term-antihero

    [DM me on Discord for details!]

    1. Lee Strangely Avatar
      Lee Strangely

      I mean this as a compliment when I say that this scene has so much emotional weight that it could feasibly be used as a dumbbell.

      My only critiques for this seems to center around these lines:

      “You’ve always wanted this body, and because of me… it’s ruined.”

      I assumed it was Savion wanting his humanity back, but the line feels either too vague, or like there a bit of context that I didn’t quite grasp. and it gets a little harder to pick up on when I get to the line:

      “You gave up your own being for me. You already have. And it’s not ruined. I’ll… figure it out.”

      The “You already have” line feels like it was written in early on, with some prior material connected to it being cut out in the edit, leaving this line that feels like it’s in response to something that is no longer there (but that’s just me).

      With that out of the way, this piece was very well written. The exchange, the minor little actions, the added descriptions from Savion that add some context to each little thing, all combine wonderfully to make a very strong emotional moment. This is fantastic!

    2. Oh how I love these two moody boys lol. Seriously though, this is such a powerful story. I think we’ve all done that thing that probably wasn’t the best idea but you weren’t sorry about what you did, but you were at a consequence of it.

      And that is exactly what this feels like, especially solidified at the end when Savion and Lestair agree on the fact that regret for one casualty for what I’d assume was a mass attack doesn’t make you a good person.

      You also did an an excellent job having us truly feel for Lestair with the idea of him wanting to be human so badly just to have that body wrecked by someone he cared about.

      And on a side tangent, I did know this already but I am such a big fan that it was family that made Savion suck it up and turn into a human and not a love interest. It usually is for a love interest with things like this and I like that Lestair did it because he loved being human and Savion did it to be with Lestair. It does make this scene that much more brutal of a read of course lol.

      That’s a good thing, though! Great story! Thanks for sharing!

    3. That title though.

      I feel like I’ve been on both sides of this conversation.

      The need to explain yourself and apologize over and over because you can’t accept they don’t hate you forever and you don’t know what else to do.

      The knowledge that no matter how angry you still are, that you can’t hold it against them forever even if you might want to, but they won’t let you deal with your anger so you can’t stop yuorself from snapping at them.

      But they say actions speak louder than words, and Savion did a hell of an action.

      “Did they let you keep the old one?” O__O

  11. MasaCur Avatar
    MasaCur

    Hunting Rabbits (Genre Break Universe)
    By MasaCur

    Breathe in deeply. Empty your lungs to one quarter full. He’s not that far away. Aim for the second mil dot down. Squeeze the trigger. Do not pull at it; it will ruin the shot.

    The rifle bucked in Mizuki’s grip, the butt pushing hard against her shoulder. She released her hand from the grip, and up to the bolt handle, quickly turning it and drawing it back before slamming it back into position.

    She looked through the scope once again, to see Ritsu hopping around from one foot to another.

    “Dammit, Henjinko! I know you’re the one shooting at me!” he yelled, looking around. “Where are you?”

    Mizuki focused her sight on his foot, now that he had stopped jumping. A great sense of accomplishment filled her as she saw that one of Ritsu’s slippers was missing a rabbit ear.

    Again. Breathe in, let out all but one quarter of your breath. Don’t rush it. You need that oxygen in your blood to keep your eyes sharp and muscles steady. Aim. Squeeze.

    Another shot rang out.

    Ritsu jumped back. “FUCK! Stop shooting at me!”

    Mizuki glanced through the scope again. The second rabbit ear was missing. A grin spread on her face as she cocked the rifle again. “All’s fair in love and war, Tobose-san!” she called out. “And you are on the opposing side in this genre break.”

    “You need to adjust your aim, Henjinko. I expected better from you, but that’s twice you’ve missed me.”

    “I’m not trying to hit you, Tobose-san. It’s your slippers I take offence at.”

    “What have my bunny slippers ever done to you?”

    “I think they’re stupid. Now just surrender before I have to kill you. I’m giving you this courtesy as my best friend.”

    “If you’re going to kill me, then kill me! Stop toying with me, Mizuki-chan!”

    Deep breath. Empty your lungs. Aim. Squeeze.

    Bang!

    “Dammit, Henjinko! Leave my slippers alone!”

    Notes: Henjinko – Weird Girl. A nickname.

    1. What’s so offensive about bunny slippers that she has to shoot them? 😂

      I wasn’t aware they could end up on different sides in these things. I thought it was more like Sliders.

      Her shots seem slightly less impressive though, knowing they’re close enough to just have a conversation during this.

  12. It’s All About the Game, And How You Play It
    By Marx

    “Have you lost your ever-loving mind?! How could you even suggest that?”

    Jasmine sighed. “Daisy, look… I get where you’re coming from. I do. But you catch more flies with honey…”

    “Alex is NOT a fly.”

    A smirk curled up Jasmine’s lips. “I’m just saying you’re his thrall now. He literally controls you. He’s clearly a very old, bored demon. You’re a shiny new toy to him, you know?“

    “So… your great plan… is to have him PLAY with me?! This isn’t one of your stupid novels! This is my life!”

    A blush colored Jasmine’s cheeks as she nodded. “Got it. Sorry. Different plan then. We’ll get him to release you. It’s just… You do realize he’s part incubus? He’d probably be really–”

    “JAZZ!”

    “Sorry. Sorry.”

    ***

    I can’t stop a chuckle from escaping my lips as I watch the two bickering in the distance, clearly unaware of how easily I can see and hear them.

    I generally try not to be noticed. The game works better that way. So it’s fun to be someone’s focus once more.

    Daisy’s soul is encompassed in a glowing darkness, but there are already glimmers of a bright red within.

    Boring.

    Jasmine on the other hand, she’s immersed in crimson. Her fire burns so much hotter than any sane human’s should. I am a demon after all. She should know this won’t end well for her. But that’s what makes this game so fun.

    Just as Daisy has little sparks of red that will take over as all thralls eventually do, I also see some viridescence within Jasmine.

    My grin widens.

    It’s already starting.

    They’re such polar opposites in regards to me. Daisy’s change has already begun. Regardless of if I’m cruel or kind it will end the same way.

    But Jasmine…

    She’s going to be fun.

    Nurturing that envious tint. Discovering what will finally make her own inner obsidian void infest and bloom.

    It makes me appreciate painters. Taking a plain canvas and manipulating colors until it’s art.

    Bringing beauty out of nothing.

    This will be a very fun game, indeed.

    1. Honestly, this is an interesting one.

      I assume the one he wasn’t aiming for is Daisy. I’m very confused about the soul color thing. At different parts it sounds like the crimson and the black are both the normal, or at least their own color, and the bad thing.

      I do like the idea that Jasmine, either knowing it wouldn’t work or thinking it was a good idea, seems to have tried to talk Daisy into putting out for Alex in the hopes that he’d discard her afterward and move on to someone else.

      Either way(to go back to the soul thing), it’s interesting to think that Jasmine might in fact have been the real bad influence of the two.

      I dunno. Will be interesting to see how that all plays out in the end.

      1. Thank you so much! I was kind of experimental with this one and I think I had more fun with the experimenting than making sure the story was easy to follow. But I was hoping at the very least it would seem like Alex was targeting Daisy in the first part and you realize he’s targeting Jasmine in the second part. And it does seem like that part came across, so success! Lol

        As for the soul colors, black is hatred, red is passion/devotion, and green is envy. But the reason it was probably confusing as to which was a good thing and a bad thing is because Alex sees it differently depending on who has it. Daisy’s glimmer of devotion means nothing to him while Jasmine’s intrigues him. Kinda tried to show that in his word choice for how he described the colors as well. Jasmine has the more flowery descriptors.

        And speaking of Jasmine, she was being sincere. She was suggesting Daisy get ‘friendly’ with Alex because she legitimately thought that would make things easier and because she was projecting what she’d want to do in Daisy’s shoes.

        Thanks for the review!

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