Writing Group: The Last Song We Sing (PRIVATE)

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by

thetalefoundry
in , ,

Hellooo Musicians, Soloists and Choir Members! 

I hope you’ve all sufficiently warmed up your voices. We have an important performance to put on tonight! Because…

This week’s Writing Group prompt is:

The Last Song We Sing

RULES AND GUIDELINES BELOW!
Make sure you scroll down and read them if you haven’t! You may not be eligible if you don’t!

This is a prompt filled with poetic melancholy. It’s the idea of an end of sorts, but an end that comes with a song—going out with a bang, or a roar, or with gentle warble. 

The first thing that comes to mind for me is a literal take on the prompt—the last song before someone’s death. You could write about a funeral march. A singer might be sick, and want to put on one last show before they die. Or perhaps loved ones sing to a sick person on their death bed. Perhaps someone doesn’t realize it’ll be the last song they sing before they get into an accident. Or maybe death is not so melancholy— warriors might sing before or during battle, ready to go to Valhalla. Maybe a group of rebels know they’re going on a suicide mission, and they sing together on their last night; they are helping their cause tomorrow…at the price of their lives. I also think of movies like Captain America or Star Trek (2012), where someone has to sacrifice themselves so that others might live—in both situations the character sacrificing themselves could have sang a final song with the person on the comms. Maybe you could write about a mythical creature, and their customs around song—maybe sirens have a way of serenading their dead that is both haunting and harmonious. 

There are other kinds of tragedies you may want to use this prompt for. Perhaps someone is developing polyps on their vocal chords and wants to sing one last song before they lose their voice. I could see a story like Ariel’s being told with this prompt—someone giving up their voice, and singing a last song, their very notes captured and taken away. 

Or maybe you want to go bittersweet with it. You could write about a high school choir singing at their own graduation before going their separate ways; the choir might get new members, but this is the last song the seniors will sing. Perhaps a party of adventurers is splitting up and they sing one last song around the fire before they start a new chapter of their lives. 

Or maybe you don’t want to add anything bitter in your story—just the sweet part. It all hinges on what the word “last” refers to. Because “last” could simply be the last song in a concert or show. The last song a band or bard sings on tour before going back home. The last song a group of friends sings at a bar before going home for the night. It could be the last song before a new beginning. Perhaps someone is going to change—whether in a way that is mental or physical, or simply changing their stage name—and they sing one last song as their previous self. Or else they may be revealing a truth about themselves to the world through their last song before it’s revealed. Maybe a couple sings a song that doubles as a proposal—their last song before they are married. You could even use this in a “one more level” sort of way; maybe your character says “Okay, but this is the LAST song we sing” …but they keep going for hours on end. 

You could also use this in a symbolic way. The last story an author writes, the last art piece a painter makes, things like that could symbolically function as a last song. Even something like the last game in a tabletop roleplaying campaign could be the last song, so to speak. However, if you go this direction, I will warn you to make sure the prompt is still clear within your story! 

You may have noticed that, for my challenges, I like to find the direction in which I think people’s brains will most likely go with the prompt, and challenge you to go the opposite direction. This prompt is no different. I think the most natural trajectory of this prompt is to think of death, and general melancholy. My challenge is for you to make this prompt about something other than death, and/or something that isn’t melancholy. 

My other challenge for you is the same as one we had a while back: pick a real song and use it somehow in your story—be it that the characters are singing that song in the story, or simply that you listen to it while you write and let its rhythms influence you, even if it’s not directly mentioned. (Feel free to share these in generalchat-media!)

Remember, these challenges aren’t mandatory! They are meant to be a fun bonus if you’d like to have a little extra challenge. But, if you don’t want to use them, please don’t feel obligated to!

The curtains are about to open, everyone! Take a deep breath, and don’t forget the lyrics. We’ve practiced this hundreds of times! I know you’ve got this.  

—Kaylie 

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Remember, this is part of our weekly Writing Group stream! Submit a little piece following the rules and guidelines below, and there’s a chance your entry will be read live on stream! In addition, we’ll discuss it for a minute and give you some feedback.

Tune into the stream this Saturday at 3:00pm CST to see if you made the cut!

The whole purpose of this is to show off the creativity of the community, while also helping each other to become better writers. Lean into that spirit! Get ready not just to share what you’ve got, but to give back to the other writers here as well.

Rules and Guidelines

We read at least five stories during each stream, two of which come from the public post, and three of which come from the much smaller private post. Submissions are randomly selected by a bot, but likes on your post will improve your chances of selection, so be sure to share your submission on social media!

  1. Text and Formatting

    1. English only.
    2. Prose only, no poetry or lyrics.
    3. Use proper spelling, grammar, and syntax.
    4. Your piece must be between 250-350 words (you can use this website to see your wordcount).
    5. Use two paragraph breaks between each paragraph so that they have a proper space between them (press “enter” or “return” twice).
    6. Include a submission title and an author name (doesn’t have to be your real name). Do not include any additional symbols or flourishes in this part of your submission. Format them exactly as you see in this example, or your submission may not be eligible: Example Submission.
    7. No additional text styling (such as italics or bold text). Do not use asterisks, hyphens, or any other symbol to indicate whether text should be bold, italic, or styled in any other way. CAPS are okay, though.

  2. What to Submit

    1. Keep submissions “safe-for-work”; be sparing with sexuality, violence, and profanity.
    2. Try to focus on making your submission a single meaningful moment rather than an entire story.
    3. Write something brand new; no re-submitting past entries or pieces written for other purposes
    4. No fan fiction whatsoever. Take inspiration from whatever you’d like, but be transformative and creative with it. By submitting, you also agree that your piece does not infringe on any existing copyrights or trademarks, and you have full license to use it.
    5. Submissions must be self-contained (everything essential to understanding the piece is contained within the context of the piece itself—no mandatory reading outside the piece required. e.g., if you want to write two different pieces in the same setting or larger narrative, you cannot rely on information from one piece to fill in for the other—they must both give that context independently).

  3. Submission Rules

    1. One submission per participant.
    2. Submit your entry in a comment on this post.
    3. Submissions close at 12:00pm CST each Friday.
    4. You must like and leave a review on two other submissions to be eligible. Your reviews must be at least 50 words long, and must be left directly on the submission you are reviewing, not on another comment. If you’re submitting to the private post, feel free to leave these reviews on either the private or the public post. The two submissions you like need not be the same as the submissions you review.
    5. Be constructive and uplifting. These submissions are not for a professional market, and shouldn’t be treated as such. We do this, first and foremost, for the joy of the craft. Help other writers to feel like their work is valuable, and be considerate and gentle with critique when you offer it. Authors who leave particularly abrasive or disheartening remarks on this post will be disqualified from selection for readings.
    6. Use the same e-mail for your posts, reviews, and likes, or you may be rendered ineligible (you may change your username or author name between posts without problem, however).
    7. You may submit to either or both the public/private groups if you have access, but if you decide to submit to both, only the private group submission will be eligible.
    8. Understand that by submitting here, you are giving us permission to read your submission aloud live on stream and upload public, archived recordings of said stream to our social media platforms. You will always be credited, but only by the author name you supply as per these rules. No other links or attributions are guaranteed.

Comments on this post that aren’t submissions will be deleted, except for replies/reviews left on existing submissions.

Comments

32 responses to “Writing Group: The Last Song We Sing (PRIVATE)”

  1. Makokam Avatar
    Makokam

    Or Maybe Not (Chronicles of The Dragon)
    By Makokam

    Spiked hair dyed red and gold, the top to his black biker leathers flapping open to reveal an orange tank top, Maddox pulled his motorcycle up in front of the nightclub. People were just starting to be let in, so the line was long.

    He waved at the club goers, who screamed and cheered, as he entered.

    When he reached the green room, one of his band-mates yelled, “You’re late! Thought you were ditching us early.”

    “What? No way would I miss my last show with you!”

    “So you’re really going through with it? Shipping off to become a ‘big time superhero’?”

    “Hell yeah!” he said, his body igniting into flame, “Why would I deny my full potential?” The flames flickered out and he said, “The only real question is who you’ll get as the new singer.”

    “I still say I could be the singer,” another said.

    Maddox looked at her, then shrugged. “Maybe. A chick singer could help you stand out.”

    Their manager came in then telling them, “Time to hit the stage.”

    They moved out and took their positions, to a roar of excitement.

    They started with an “old classic”, one they’re long term fans knew and loved. Then they moved on to their new songs, “their latest album” Maddox would call it, though they’d only been able to afford to make a couple hundred CDs. Then they ended with some of the favorites from their last “album”.

    None of them had discussed it, but they each poured more into the night’s performance than they had ever before, Maddox singing his throat raw.

    Eventually, after three encores, the night came to an end. They bowed, and took their leave. Maddox took the longest, shaking hands and hitting high fives with the people at the front. Cheering back and blowing kisses before finally stepping off the stage.

    The band waited form him, sad but proud, before returning to their dressing rooms, only to find a man waiting for them.

    “I’m with Platinum Dragoon Records, and we’d like to offer you a contract.”

    Reply
    1. Marx Avatar
      Marx

      Lol I have mixed feelings about this one. But I fully admit that it could easily be intentional or I’m just reading too much into things.

      Firstly though, you did a great job introducing Maddox. You can totally picture him and he comes across as really cool. And the idea of a flaming rockstar is totally kickass. And the prompt is front and center with his motivations of wanting to be a superhero and this being his last show. It does get that last hurrah feeling across.

      Maddox comes across as really cool and likeable. But there’s something about the way he shrugs off the girl who thinks she could be a good replacement singer that comes off badly and makes him look like a jerk. So, I spent the rest of the story looking for more hints and there weren’t any, so it was a little confusing why that was in there and why it seemed like a point was made for him to dismiss her like that.

      Lol I also assume from the name of the title that he’s going to take the offer at the end, which comes across as him going into hero work because his band wasn’t doing well, as opposed to being a hero to save people. But then again, he never said he wanted to be a hero to save people. He wanted to be all he could be, so it absolutely works. I’m just not sure if I should be cheering for him or not.

      Regardless though, the story itself was done very well and kept me intrigued the whole time. Great take on the prompt!

      Reply
  2. jesse fisher Avatar
    jesse fisher

    Song Never Sung
    By Jesse Fisher

    Some have said we would hear the song of the ancestors when we pass. Others say the war cries are the choir that we hear as the world goes silent. More, think of a comfort song that we either find or our mothers gave us when we were young.

    My wasting form in an immortal state makes many of these stories a faded hope of hearing these, or anything else beyond the wind and ruins of this place.

    Broken ways of hearing songs that once meant the world to me, faded as I still stand here. I almost lose track of time if not for what songs still live out there. Some still conduct in the night as it was so long ago, the song changed just by the nature of time.

    I try to join into another song but the speaker just crackles and snaps scaring the creatures away and drawing others in.

    Once long ago someone could create beauty from my crackles and snaps but that died with the creative minds that could take noise and make it into music. Every part of me could make music in the right hands but now it is a shambling mass of parts of a once well thought out being.

    I hear the rhythm of my steps, the clicking of the gears and sprockets allowing me to move. This is not a song, well not a song worth singing. It is a death march for a thing that will not die, no matter how the world beats it down.

    Reply
  3. Norman Gray Avatar
    Norman Gray

    A Song Where A Mountain Once Stood
    By Norman Gray

    There is a rocky hill somewhere out in the Barrens… I’d treaded it as a boy, when my family escaped across the wasteland.

    Standing in the scorching desert heat, the Barrens are just as vast as I’d remembered them. Though we’d fled from war, I am amazed that I ever managed to cross these sands…

    I wonder how I’ll ever find what I’m searching for.

    “His voice had the power to crumble mountains,” father had told me, “or so the legend goes… He made songs so timeless that they needed not be written, for time itself would make exception; his words were carried on the breeze, their echoes reverberating forevermore… Some say he sang his final song for a mad king who lived beneath the mountain, and that if you put your ear to this hill and listen closely, you can still hear whispers of Tom Flint’s last ballad.”

    I’ve recounted my story throughout the years. Many dismissed it as a young boy’s imagination getting the better of him… But I swear upon my father’s soul, that when I pressed my ear to the ground that day, I heard singing.

    Perhaps it was his intent to distract me from the hardship of our journey, but father’s story never left me, nor did my fascination with song.

    Some say it’s a tall tale; that in truth a mining town lived there, and in their insatiable greed they tunneled so far and so deep that the whole mountain was hollowed out and destroyed…

    But those who know the story all agree: There’d been a mountain there, once… And one day, as slowly as the snow falls on a windless winter night, that mountain had crumbled.

    I close my eyes, and listen to the breeze. I press an ear to the ground…

    Nothing.

    If I don’t find Tom Flint’s last ballad, then I’ll tell of my journey, and sing of a song lost beneath the rocks, buried forevermore…

    But I have to keep looking. My life was shaped by father’s tale… I must know the truth.

    I must hear that melody once more.

    Reply
  4. Rattus Avatar
    Rattus

    Creation
    by Gerrit(Rattus)

    The two Gods floated in the expanse of the cosmos, a river of stars surrounding them in all directions. A universe of their own design, full of beauty and wonder, soon to be teeming with life. It was the ultimate symbol of their union, a legacy above all others.

    “At long last,” one said. “Every planet moulded and placed, exactly as they’re supposed to be.”

    The other God’s mouth curved into a wan smile. “I hadn’t expected it to be so tiresome.” Every ounce of their energy had been spent, converted into matter as their creation took shape. At least they could relax, now.

    Life had already begun to take shape on the planets, the first peoples settling the lands around them. In the blink of an eye civilizations would take shape, each unique and special, yet intrinsically linked in a way they wouldn’t understand for centuries to come.

    Rivers of energy flowed around and between the planets, each one forming the elements of nature that would make up the worlds. The newly formed worlds acted as conduits for the flows, each planet connected with a specific flow that would guide its growth.

    “Only one thing left now.” The first God smiled as they spoke. “Our children can take things from here.” In the furthest reaches of the universe, sparks of new divinity were beginning to awaken. They would be the shepherds of this new world left behind by their parents.

    The two Gods clasped hands and closed their eyes, satisfaction painted across both of their faces. Their forms descended from their heights, to the centre of the planets. The flows weaved around them in a sort of cosmic dance. The Gods felt the energies all around them, their physical forms disintegrating and mingling with them, becoming flows of their own.

    They had created the worlds, and their progeny would protect them, but their fates were in the hands of the people now.

    Reply
    1. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      Okay that was a near perfect gospel opening to a story. It feels so close to something I would hear in like the bible or other holy books. The creation is so intertwin with musical flow, I could hear the hymns from here.

      This is such a good story here and loved reading it.

      Reply
  5. DaLeen Avatar
    DaLeen

    Crushing
    By Taja DaLeen

    A friend of yours has a huge crush you don’t necessarily like, you think he could do better, but… the heart wants what it wants, right?

    Well, part of the reason you’re suspicious of that fire mage is that he’s in a small band, and while that’s not a problem, you’ve been to a few gigs now noticing he never turned down a flirt.

    It doesn’t seem to bother your friend though, so you never said anything about it. He’s also very happy every time you join him for another band evening.

    It’s a plus they’re actually quite good, too.

    Now he’s standing in front of you, or rather bouncing, because this evening they were playing in another pub. “You’ll come along, right?”

    Of course you go. Such a supportive friend you are, even when you don’t like his crush.

    Once you sufficiently told your friend that he is looking very handsome today, you go to that pub.

    When you arrive you notice a crowd; most you met at other gigs of that band. With some of them you talked before, others you noticed flirting with the mage.

    Weirdest among those was probably the banshee, since she couldn’t even really talk to him; she had a friend translating her sign language. Although, that ice witch with her frozen heart necklace was also quite the character…

    The band starts playing, which distracts you from your musings. They’re as good as ever, infecting the crowd with their fun and excitement; the bits of fire and light show definitely help with that.

    You catch yourself singing along to all of their songs; and once the singer declares their last song, you’re even a little sad. You weren’t that big a fan at first, but they grew on you.

    Just like your friend obviously grew on that fire mage, he’s definitely staring at him while playing that song about a happy “see you later”. Who’d have thought?

    But among the last lines you hear a weird wail, almost a scream, before your breathing stops.

    Seems like the banshee noticed as well.

    …wanna try again?

    Reply
    1. Lee Strangely Avatar
      Lee Strangely

      Kind of an odd combination, with the more modern setting and terminology, mixed with the fantasy terms a bits of magic use. I’ll be honest, initially it through me off and felt kind of odd, but with subsequent readthroughs it seemed like it all meshed a lot better for me. Though part of me thinks this story probably didn’t need to be written in second person pov, the writing has an “experiencing it for yourself” sort of feel that lets one just live in the moment of the story rather than being told about it that I liked. I also really like how the characters and especially the band are introduced and described. Even though each bit is more like a passing glimpse of each person, they still feel very distinct from that limited window you get for each. Odd bits or not, I thought this story was overall great. Well done!

      Reply
  6. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
    i-prefer-the-term-antihero

    [DM me on Discord for details!]

    Reply
    1. WriterOfThought Avatar
      WriterOfThought

      That was super cute. I enjoyed every moment of that story.

      I honestly couldn’t find anything particular to critique. This was such a fun story and I spent so much time enjoying it and relating to moments I’ve had with my own roommates that I could not find a spot that I could critique.

      Spectacular work, as usual!

      Reply
    2. Marx Avatar
      Marx

      Lol this was such a fun story! I do love that depending on the story, Savion can be tragic, hilarious or adorable. And in some cases like this, all three.

      The way that he describes his relationship to music like it’s a person he begrudgingly had to admit to liking was a joy to read. But then you get to the parts about him being lonely and being unable to howl and singing being the closest way of expressing himself how he wants to which is such a bittersweet deal.

      And of course once Moirai and Lestair enter it, it just becomes the most hilarious thing ever. Savion’s confusion at why him knowing Journey was such a big deal also added to the humor.

      And it’s so cute that Lestair wanted to sing with him! I do hope he was able to convince him at some point.

      Awesome take on the prompt! Thanks for sharing!

      Reply
    3. Lee Strangely Avatar
      Lee Strangely

      The language of the descriptions and names in this story paints something that feels very old and gothic, in a way kind of like if you were reading Dracula or Frankenstein… which made it even more hilarious when I read the line “You know JOURNEY?!”. That made me laugh out loud on my first readthrough. It’s a very wholesome tale that I sadly have little else to say about or critique. I just think it was fun, funny, and just great all around. Great job!

      Reply
    4. Makokam Avatar
      Makokam

      Is it bad that my favorite part was the “You can”, “You know”, “You were” part?

      I’m not familiar with Journey, so I had no idea what he was singing. (Maybe that’s part of why I liked that scene.)

      We’ve seen boom boxes and I think you’ve mentioned DVD or VHS players, so Savion singing Journey isn’t a shock, but it’s still funny.

      I don’t know when you started calling her Mo, since I’m pretty sure you used to always spell it out, but I enjoy the change. I feel like it really fits.

      The first part was sad though. In a way I can oddly connect with, though I’m not sure why.

      And I don’t doubt that he doesn’t know why he picked that song, but I’ve got a guess.

      Reply
  7. Lee Strangely Avatar
    Lee Strangely

    Driven to Madness (Life of Madness)
    by Lee Strangely

    “Buford, time?!”

    “Two hours… and, gaining…” he groaned.

    Waterdrops slammed against the windshield so fast that it sounded more like gunfire than rainfall. The sound was almost loud enough cover up the incessant rattling from the lump of metal with wheels that Maddy lovingly referred to as her “car.”

    As her hands practically strangled the steering wheel, she twisted herself around to look behind her. Past the moaning husk of her father and beyond the windshield was only more rain and darkness.

    “Are you sure?” she panted, “are you absolutely sure?”

    The query passed through Buford the way wind passed through the hole in his head. His response… repeating his last response… again…

    “I’ll die before I let Dad’s poor life choices kill meEEE,” a pair of headlights barreled towards her as she turned.

    In a carefully calculated split-second decision, she immediately jerked the wheel. The vehicle swerved just out of the way, the movement unfortunately bringing her almost over the edge of the pavement.

    The downpour however, happily rectified this and slid the car all the way into the ditch…

    The impact alone somehow managed to inadvertently activate the once busted radio. Despite her shock, Maddy quickly beat the thing back into dormancy… At that moment, she was in no mood to hear “No One Lives Forever.”

    When the shock wore off, her seething frustration quickly refilled the void, “What did I do wrong?” She slammed her hands on the wheel, “WHAT DID I DO WRONG BUFORD?! I brought Dad back and it still went FOR ME!”

    “What… is… missing?” Buford muttered.

    “EX-ACTLY!” she shouted, “What did I miss? He’s a blood-relative. And more importantly, ALIVE! I mean, he walks, he breathes, he talks…. sorta… He’s as alive as you are! Sure, he lacks imagination, will, and all that, but so do computers… And they’re…” She paused. “…and they’re not alive…”

    She pointed to Buford, “THAT’S IT! It’s not hardware, it’s software! His body may be functional, but he still lacks one thing: his soul… BUFORD! Help me push the car out, I know where we’re heading next!”

    Reply
    1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Yay! More Maddy!

      “Waterdrops slammed against the windshield so fast that it sounded more like gunfire than rainfall.”
      –Awesome description

      “The sound was almost loud enough cover up the incessant rattling from the lump of metal with wheels that Maddy lovingly referred to as her “car.””
      –An amazing way to not just describe the setting/an object in the scene, but show Maddy’s character

      “As her hands practically strangled the steering wheel,”
      –I freaking love this phrasing

      “Past the moaning husk of her father and beyond the windshield was only more rain and darkness.”
      –Amazing way to show that her father is a zombie by using him as a piece of the setting

      “The query passed through Buford the way wind passed through the hole in his head.”
      –Another cool way to describe this and tell us about his character

      “I’ll die before I let Dad’s poor life choices kill meEEE,”
      –The phrasing is funny, but I especially love the last word: that is an awesome way to properly use capitals in a tf story. I can totally hear this

      “The downpour however, happily rectified this and slid the car all the way into the ditch…”
      –I love your phrasing that it “happily rectified this” by doing something negative

      “Despite her shock, Maddy quickly beat the thing back into dormancy… At that moment, she was in no mood to hear “No One Lives Forever.””
      –Love it XD

      “And more importantly, ALIVE! I mean, he walks, he breathes, he talks…. sorta… He’s as alive as you are! Sure, he lacks imagination, will, and all that, but so do computers… And they’re…” She paused. “…and they’re not alive…”
      She pointed to Buford, “THAT’S IT! It’s not hardware, it’s software! His body may be functional, but he still lacks one thing: his soul…”
      –I love this. Even though the reader might be able to easily tell he’s not alive/needs his soul, her thought process makes perfect sense within the story. And I love how you show her coming to the realization. I can really follow what’s happening in her mind, and it’s really creative how you had her describe it. It also has so much character. She feels kinda mad scientist-y and I love it.

      The only substantial critique I have for the story is that, even though I think Buford is a zombie too, I am unsure, and I think it would be helpful to establish early on what he is. Especially in the beginning I felt a bit confused.

      I am very curious what’s chasing her. I don’t remember you saying she was being chased before? But I may have missed or forgotten it.

      Do tag me when you post a story in this universe again!

      Reply
    2. Norman Gray Avatar
      Norman Gray

      You had me hooked in right from the get-go. Loved the white-knuckle urgency of their situation, the imagery was so well constructed that I felt as though I was there sitting in the car with them…

      My only nitpick: The radio never plays anything as good as ‘No One Lives Forever’! If that came on on the radio, I’d think I’d stumbled into some alternate dimension where mainstream music didn’t suck!

      Reply
  8. MasaCur Avatar
    MasaCur

    A Night Out
    By MasaCur

    Nabiki skipped out of the restaurant, stopping just outside for her parents to come out.

    “That was delicious!” Nabiki exclaimed.

    “You deserve it, Nabiki,” her mom, Akane said. “You’ve been doing so well in school and all. First chair violin is a big deal.”

    “I should have got it last year,” Nabiki said, frowning.

    “You got it now. Before you know it, you’ll be taking my seat in the city’s orchestra.”

    Nabiki snorted. “I think I’ve got a ways to go before that happens.”

    Akane ruffled her daughter’s hair. “Remember to thank your father for taking us out tonight.”

    “Thank you, Dad.” Nabiki threw her arms around Rikuto’s waist for a second, then twirled away. Rikuto smiled and nodded.

    “You sure are lively today,” Akane said.

    Nabiki grinned, a song on her lips. “Don’t have to say that I love you, because you take a kiss from me.”

    Akane joined in, bolting forward to take her daughter by the arm. “It’s you and I filling my mind, never forgetting this memory.”

    The two danced away from Rikuto as they continued to sing. “Dorayaki got my stomach in a thousand knots. If I can’t have it all the time, then I’ll just make this a story about me.”

    Nabiki skipped ahead.

    “Don’t get too far, Nabiki!” Akane called out.

    Nabiki stopped at the curb, turned and waved, then waited for the light to turn green. She glanced in each direction, then skipped out into the street.

    “Don’t you know, I’m by you when you go?” Nabiki continued to sing. “Let me take the wheel when you can’t.”

    “Nabiki!”

    Nabiki heard her mother’s voice, saturated in terror. She began to turn, and felt two hands plant themselves on her shoulders and push her forward.

    She stumbled over the curb, falling to the ground. Her knees scraped on the sidewalk.

    Behind her, Nabiki could hear the squeal of tires.

    She turned around to look back into the street, afraid of what she’d see. “Mom!”

    Reply
    1. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      I’m honestly very glad that I was warned ahead of time, because…that was certainly a gut punch of an ending.

      However I think the way you portrayed it worked well. It’s abrupt and horrible, but perhaps benefited from the fact that you don’t go into detail with it. It would be much more difficult to read if we saw more of the aftermath.

      You always do such an amazing job at writing dialogue like how real people talk. Them talking about violin, “Remember to thank your father” and then even the song itself feels exactly how a family would talk walking home from a celebratory dinner. It is a great read, and perhaps the realistic-ness of it makes what happens that much more emotional.

      What’s the song? (Assuming it’s a real song).

      The “Don’t get too far, Nabiki!” builds so much tension. Especially when she properly waits for the light to turn green and glances in each direction. Like, she is doing things right but the worst still happens.

      You did a great job describing the sequence of events through Nabiki’s eyes. She wouldn’t see what happened, just hear her mother’s voice, feel her mother’s hands, feel her knees scrape, and hear the squeal of tires…It really puts us in her head in a well-written way.

      The only thing that I might critique, and it’s a bit nitpicky, is the “Mom!” at the end. In my opinion, formatting really can affect how things read, and that word reads as “Oh mom! Are you okay?!” to me, not her screaming “MOM!” because…she’s definitely not okay. And I assume you intended the latter.
      I almost feel like “Behind her, Nabiki could hear the squeal of tires.” Would function better as the last line. Because we can infer what happened from that alone, and calling it out more directly is almost less impactful? I’m not quite sure.

      I don’t know much about Genre Break, so I’m curious what this means for folks who do. All I know is that Nabiki always seemed so upbeat (at least…I think she’s the one I’m remembering) it’s so sad to see this happening to her.

      Great job!!

      Reply
    2. jesse fisher Avatar
      jesse fisher

      Oh no, I knew the death flag was high but this is just so heart breaking. The whole setup for this is such a pay off from knowing the characters from other stories. I’m not sure where this will go but I look forward to what happens from here.

      Reply
  9. Fog Wall Avatar
    Fog Wall

    A Good Day Done Right

    ~Fog Wall

     

    Above us, I could see the water flowing its course. Held aloft by transparent metal and gravitational manipulation. With my augmented eyes and a few blinks, I snapped some photographs to share with the gang back home. 

    Looking over at James, Excitement played off his expressions. Then, turning my attention back to the city’s biggest water slide, I watched another screaming boat take the drop. “This’ll be so fun!” 

    He was watching them too. With his fingers laced behind his neck and the biggest smile I’d seen on him, he responded. “Koelle, it’s a fifteen story drop at almost sixty degrees. This’ll be amazing!”

    The ride operator whistled for our attention before beckoning us to check our park passes. “Go aboard and prepare yourselves for Sky Waters Fall!”

    He directed us to a small boat, helped us in and secured our harnesses. Once he’d moved on, I had to shout to be heard, “Have you seen videos of this?”

    “That I have!” He shouted back, making me wince and cover my ears.

    “Acute hearing, y’know?!”

    “Sorry, I forgot. Still, this has been on my bucket list for as long as I can remember. Mom and I have always struggled to just get by.”

    “This’ll be a blast!”

    That got a big laugh from him. “Coming from an explosives expert… Koelle, I can’t thank you enough.”

    “Here we GO!” I screamed, throwing my arms up as we sped up as the boat lurch forward, carried by the current. Ahead of us the river entered an anti-gravity climb into the sky. 

    The ride up was slow, so I took more pictures. Of the park, of the people, of James and the river’s peak. I felt weightless just before we fell into a high speed downward ride!

    We were both laughing and screaming as huge waves crashed over us. After several banking turns, we came to a spiraling descent before hitting another gravity lift that would take us up for the final fall.

    We exchanged gleeful looks, and as if reading my mind. He shouted to the sky, “Bring it on!”

    Reply
    1. Marx Avatar
      Marx

      Awww this one is so much fun. And a big part of that is you can feel how excited everyone is from beginning to end. And while it probably would have worked without them, I think the lore worked pretty well in this one, especially with the camera eyes, which are such a cool idea the more I read about them.

      It’s also just fun being in Koelle’s head this time. Putting her in a situation where she had to remind James that she has sensitive hearing was funny as well. Though it does open up the question of whether being in such a loud place wouldn’t be fun to begin with.

      But all in all this a fun little read. The descriptions were done very well and the dialogue left me smiling. Thanks for sharing!

      Reply
  10. Marx Avatar
    Marx

    Some Are Born to Sing the Blues
    By Marx

    It starts with a song

    My song.

    I don’t want to sing, but I don’t have a choice. He makes me. And to be quite frank, I lost the fight in me centuries ago. He’s just another in a long line to steal my power.

    Next, comes the pain.

    My song becomes a scream as my divinity is forced out of me and into him. It’s an agony beyond description. My divinity is my very being and he just…

    …tears it from me.

    But at least it’s over. I slump, depleted against my cage as his song begins. I wish, not for the first time, that deities could fall unconscious. That it could end for me, but…

    That’s not my story, it seems…

    Wait…

    What?

    I force myself to sit up and look for him in the adjoining room.

    He’s… screaming?

    Why is he screaming?

    Then my view is blocked.

    “You… don’t need to see that part. Hi. I’m Matt.”

    I glare at the entity before me. How dare he choose that I not watch my tormentor be tormented?

    I’ve earned that!

    But then I take Matt in and I’m suddenly happier than I can ever remember being.

    He’s the end.

    The end of my suffering.

    The end of everything.

    “What’s your name?”

    I can’t remember the last time I spoke. Nor can I remember the last time I needed to know my name. I have to think for a moment. “…Sarasvati.”

    “Well, Sarasvati… this is about to get weird, but it’s necessary, okay?”

    That’s when I feel him in my head.

    Of course.

    He’s going to use me too. Why wouldn’t h–?

    Wait.

    What’s he doing?

    I can feel the centuries of torture, agony, and trauma not so much… fading away, but… being organized and put away into boxes I can choose to open.

    I frown at him. It isn’t horrible, all things considered, but–

    “Your trauma is part of you. If I erase it… bad things happen.”

    “Why… are you doing this?”

    Matt smiles at me as the other ‘he’ finally stops screaming. “Because you’re free now.”

    Reply
    1. WriterOfThought Avatar
      WriterOfThought

      I have read this three times now and I am fascinated by your singing entity. It’s as if the devil for Faust was unwilling, or as if the devil was actually the victim or the small fry in its deal.

      I do enjoy the idea of a captive patron, though. It’s one I don’t think I’ve seen before, or if I have, not often or in a memorable way, saving maybe the Genie in a Bottle. Yours definitely stands out in that regard.

      I do love that it is miffed at being unable to witness the torture of its former captor. It adds humanity to the character.

      Excellently done.

      Reply
      1. Marx Avatar
        Marx

        Thank you so much for the kind words! I do think that this is the first time I’ve been able to really delve into a captured deity, especially from their perspective. I’m so glad it came across so well!

        You’re right though. The closest equivalent to come to mind would probably be a genie, but I’m especially happy that personalities were relatable.

        Reply
    2. Fog Wall Avatar
      Fog Wall

      I enjoyed this more than expected. Liberation and freedom for anything, even a god-like entity is always a sweet piece to see. Especially when it’s a tortured existance… It leaves me curious though, who is Matt and how does he have the power to simply step in and flip the coin? The swing of events was far quicker than I would have liked – but what can be done in such limited space is fascinatingly good!

      I appreciate this story for your choice of words, the impact and skeptism displayed by the trapped one, and the ending being a unique touch. The visual of compartmentalizing emotions and memories has always caught my intrigue.

      Wonderfully written story.

      Reply
      1. Marx Avatar
        Marx

        Lol Matt is the Horseman of Death, so he is very much an overpowered character who can usually step in and at least in physical situations, crush whatever force is against him. It’s usually the consequences of his actions and the dominoes his power sets forth that’s the problem.

        That said, I am very happy you enjoyed the story so much and that it was so impactful. Thank you so much for the review!

        Reply
    3. i-prefer-the-term-antihero Avatar
      i-prefer-the-term-antihero

      Okay, first of all, I genuinely titled mine before I saw the title of yours XD But that is very funny that we did that.

      Oh man! This was a gut punch of a story!

      “It starts with a song
      My song.”
      –It seems so poetic, gentle and innocent.
      “I don’t want to sing, but I don’t have a choice. He makes me.”
      –Then this beautiful thing, even within the phrasing of the story itself, becomes twisted and corrupted, starting from the words “I don’t want to.”
      “And to be quite frank, I lost the fight in me centuries ago. He’s just another in a long line to steal my power.”
      –And the tragedy becomes horror at the knowledge that this has been happening for centuries. It feels like there’s no hope
      “Next, comes the pain.”
      –Then back to the initial cadence, a simplicity of horror

      “My song becomes a scream as my divinity is forced out of me and into him.”
      –Beautifully phrased but terrible
      “My divinity is my very being and he just…
      …tears it from me.”
      –This really does sound horrid. I’m curious how it’s even possible

      “as his song begins.”
      –It completes the violation that he doesn’t just take her song, but uses it himself

      “I wish, not for the first time, that deities could fall unconscious.”
      –Well that is interesting and terrifying. So gods just…never sleep?

      “You… don’t need to see that part. Hi. I’m Matt.”
      –I love how his casualness just cuts through the scene

      “I glare at the entity before me. How dare he choose that I not watch my tormentor be tormented?
      I’ve earned that!”
      –This was my first thought too. “What do you mean I don’t need to see it? I want to!” I’m curious why Matt denies her this. Is it meant to be that what he did was so horrible that even someone who wants to see their tormentor tortured would be horrified?

      “He’s the end.
      The end of my suffering.
      The end of everything.”
      –Does she know that he’s the Horseman of Death? Or is this kind of a cool, poetic teehee moment?

      “I can’t remember the last time I spoke. Nor can I remember the last time I needed to know my name.”
      –The horror of her situation redoubles

      “That’s when I feel him in my head.
      Of course.
      He’s going to use me too. Why wouldn’t h–?”
      –It makes sense she’d think that. That really would be awful.

      I very much like the ending…but I also am rather confused by it.

      I quite like the idea of trauma being put in boxes, and that it shouldn’t be erased. (Curious what happened when he *did* erase it). But I also don’t feel like I fully understand what he did. Is he like…allowing her to be her own therapist? Like “Your trauma isn’t going to affect you day to day. But you can address it if you want”?

      “It isn’t horrible, all things considered, but–”
      –What did she mean, here? Was she going to say she wanted it erased?

      And then “Because you’re free now” doesn’t really seem like an answer to her question? Maybe it’s because him freeing her was clear to me from early on, but “Because you’re free now” doesn’t seem like an answer to “Why are you playing with my brain?”?

      I really thought this was going to be Teriana. I do remember Mara buying time for them to free a goddess…is this goddess that goddess?

      I’m curious what exactly was happening–how her divinity was being stolen. But I also wonder if you kept it ambiguous on purpose. My first thought when I read the story was that the r word was happening, but once I read it again, I feel like it might be more magical than that. I’m not sure. But, especially if it is something so sinister as that, you did a great job of keeping it ambiguous while also making what’s happening clear.

      You do an astounding job of getting me to feel what a character is feeling, and invested in their escape, within a short time. I especially enjoy the cadence of the story.

      Great job!

      Reply
    4. Makokam Avatar
      Makokam

      This was a sad but cathartic story. I don’t know if this is specifically the other time they broke out a captured goddess, or a different instance, or if it even matters. But I wasn’t surprised to find Matt show up to shield her from…whatever Mara(?) was doing. (Though I could easily see Laila doling out Holy vengence.)

      I’ve known about goddesses and the like being captured and used for personal gain, but I wasn’t aware their divinity was taken. I’m very curious as to how that benefit the captor, specifically, as well as how it affected the goddess. Mostly because stripping someone of divinity sounds to me like making them mortal, at which point I feel like she’d die from her treatment.

      It also makes me wonder if I misunderstood something, because I thought she, and others, went from captor to captor. But how does the divinity get passed on? Is it relinquished? Does it not make them immortal, and goes back to the goddess when they die? Does it rebuild, a sort of infinite resource they they’re ripping off a piece of?

      Reply
      1. Marx Avatar
        Marx

        Lol it’s funny that you assumed it was Mara doing the torturing but acknowledged that it could be Laila too because that is a minor plot point. That Matt always takes Mara on these trips instinctively but Laila would be able to do them just as well.

        To answer your question though, this is a new instance in that I haven’t done a story of Sarasvati’s rescue before. And the divinity being stripped from the deity is more or less the equivalent of draining a human of their blood. If you take too much they’ll die but if you take a controlled amount they’ll be weak but will still make more.

        It’s basically an extreme version of a deity granting a mortal a boon, you know? In this case, it makes the captor more musically inclined, but it doesn’t last, which is why he has to keep doing it and why generations of people have unfortunately done the same.

        So it doesn’t so much make the mortal immortal as much as giving them a godly ability at whatever skill the deity is in control of, while weakening the deity themselves.

        As for how the deity gets passed on from person to person, usually the mortal either “sells” the deity once they retire or are done with whatever they needed the deity for(the most popular being love/lust deities or ones that promote a skill) or the deity is stolen.

        Reply
  11. WriterOfThought Avatar
    WriterOfThought

    Expectation
    WriterOfThought

    Penelope sat on the hill she usually went to when she was feeling off and needed to clear her head. She knew that pregnancy could mess with her mental state, but never expected it to go to this extent.

    She started to hum a familiar tune, and wondered if her growing child could hear it. Would it be a boy or a girl? What if it was twins? Triplets? Her mind began to spin with the countless possibilities in store for this life forming inside of her.

    “Rest now, my love, beneath the tree.”

    Her mother’s song sounded odd at first coming through Penelope’s voice. But the more she sang, the more the melody swirled its waves into the air.

    “And hear the song I sing to thee.”

    She loved how the notes rose and fell at this part. She recalled her mother singing this when she was pregnant with each of her sisters.

    “There’s a world of dark you cannot see.”

    Which was true. Life these days was a constant war. Some days she even wondered why she wanted children in the first place, but if she didn’t, then that would just be agreeing with the darkness.

    “So sleep now, never come to me.”

    Lullabies always had to have a sad and ominous ending, didn’t they? She’d have to ask her mom where that one came from in the next life.

    Penelope felt a kick, and tried to work up a smile. This was an exciting time, after all. She couldn’t let the baby feel how nervous she was. Lullabies were supposed to calm babies, not make mother’s cry.

    She wished she had asked her mom more questions while she had the time. How did she find the courage to raise three girls during this ongoing war? How did she find the strength to go on until the bitter end? How did she not lose hope?

    Penelope hummed the tune again and started walking back down the hill. Maybe she’d figure out the answer along the way.

    Reply
    1. Fog Wall Avatar
      Fog Wall

      Somber and slow.

      This lullaby is an odd one and while I can’t put it in the voice it belongs to; I can sympathize with the mother’s lack of expectations. The bewildering amount of possibilities that bearing a child in a war torn world could have leaves me baffled. I’m positive this story will ring closer to heart for some but for me, I have little to contribute.

      I do find the last line of the lullaby both inspiring and dread enducing… becaise what of mother passes on well before her due time? This I believe being the purpose to be passed on.

      Eitherway, this story is wonderfully written and I love the introspection on the mother’s behalf.

      Reply
    2. Marx Avatar
      Marx

      This is such an emotional story! It has that feel of absolutely being in a larger story but you don’t need to know it to enjoy this somber little slice of it.

      The way that you introduce Penelope and her pregnancy gets the reader into it and that’s before the lullaby even starts. But then with her pondering her baby’s future, it’s such an understandable feeling.

      And unfortunately I think we can also empathize with questioning bringing children into a chaotic world, but I love the justification of using that hope to not allow the darkness to win. It packs such a powerful punch.

      And when it gets to Penelope’s mother, it brings the somber back with a vengeance. There is something about that part that truly struck a chord with me.

      Thank you so much for sharing this story. Great take on the prompt!

      Reply

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